Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I have been invited to a wedding. I used to be friends with the older brother of the girl that is about to get married. I met her when she was 7, this is how far back this goes! Our families used to be so close, we'd have holidays together. But as with time, things drifted apart. Until recently, last September, our families have reconciled their differences. Well, to their mother anyway... Other than their mother, I have not seen them in nearly 8 years. They knew me under a different name, and probably don't know much at all about being "transgender". Well, since last September, I changed my name legally in December of last year, and started T last November. My voice hasn't fully dropped, it's going very slowly and steadily, but I sound like a teenage boy just starting puberty. Er, am I getting off topic? Wrapping this all up...

Well, the wedding is next month! I'm not sure if I want to face it, or I should brave it and let it be my first real test of kind of... coming out. I might as well face that I do not pass very well yet, but because of the name change, there will be questions. I plan on not mentioning a thing if no one asks why I changed it, but if they do, I want to say the truth. After all, I planned on dressing in guy's clothing (black vest, slacks and a simple white button down) but would think that might make me stand out from the get go. On a side note, the only people I would know there are my mother, my uncle, the girl that is getting married, her oldest brother (not my old friend, he's off in Korea in war >.<), and then her parents. Their family is coming up from the south, (live in Ohio) and some of them are strict catholic or just plain very religious folk. I'm not sure what I will be facing exactly, but there could be possible reactions. Hopefully, they will be too distracted by the wedding itself, and that would be even better, but it's inevitable folks will wanna meet and greet each other.

I'm not sure if I should go or not though, because I still get defensive about being ma'amed, and many folk will probably try to refer to my old name. It's become a mantra that as soon as they say that, come back with, "it's Kai", lol. But still, I have Aspergers and most of the time I don't really even know how to converse with others, and have trouble masking how I feel. So, why I am here, is to ask advice from some *ahem* neurotypical folks (knowing how to socialize normally, and reactions). Not really the kind of thing I could ask on an Asperger forum. Got a mix of several worlds colliding.

If you could picture yourself in this situation, what would be your reactions and how to appear to staying calm and collected, even though you are obviously nervous as heck and already awkward, but on top of that dealing with people you kinda grew up with, not seeing them for years and then finally throwing the truth out. Actually, most folks were not surprised at my answers, because I showed dysphoria for... well, my whole life. Even worse in the teen years, I remember (is that a boy or girl, and whispering)... not the best confidence booster. But yea,... sorry for all that, but I am debating whether I should even go. It's going to be a big event... and very close to home, literally and emotionally. Vulnerability!

Sure, it's a big event, but it's not about you, which is a very good thing here. My advice would be to go and be who you are -- introduce yourself by your chosen name, and if anyone addresses you by your old name just say "I go by XXX now," and if they question you, or if anyone comments on your presentation, just say something like, "I'd be happy to talk with you about it, but we're here for [bride and groom], and it's their day, so this isn't a very good time."

As to staying calm and collected, just be confident about who you are, smile, and if you know the person, say something like "How have you been?" -- if you don't know them, you can always ask "How do you know [bride and groom]?"

If you have a friend or relative you're comfortable with, ask them if they could help you by doing some "role-playing" practice ahead of time. "Neuro-typical" people get shy and anxious too, and they'll likely think you're pretty smart to be planning ahead for this event.

You might also talk with your mother about having a "Plan B" if it gets too stressful, maybe a code word you could use for "Get me  out of here, Mom!" Just knowing that you have an out if you need one might reduce your anxiety level.

I second Tysilio. 

It's going to be about the bride and groom.  Just be yourself and don't think about it too hard.  Plotting and planning things out too much will be a recipe for nerves and possibly drama.  Just go with the flow.

Ok, so I know my advice is opposite to what the other guys have said :p but Im just speaking from my point of view.

I have been invited to a wedding, it is a friend from secondary school, we were pretty close for quite a few years and have been half in touch since school. Anyway, after school, I cut ties with about 99% of people, and I know many of them will be at the wedding. Also, her fiancé, I worked with when I was 16. He is a good guy, but his work mates will be there. Age 16 was when I was beginning transition, so people will probably put it all together when they see me.
  I pass completely, been on T for years, had top and bottom surgery, I never really have to think about transition.
  But Im not going to the wedding. As harsh as it sounds. She will have plenty of friends for support there, and she will no doubt, have told many people about me, I hate that.

So your situation may be better since only a few people know about your situation, but I guess theres a question of whether you want to risk being questioned many times. Some people are better at dealing with that, I am not. So, I just avoid it all, but I know that isn't for everyone...

I do hope that whatever you choose, things go well for you :)

Thanks for your replies. It helped me. Indeed, it is about them and they'll understand if I don't go. It's a big event, don't really wanna have my first true out at something like this. Not really an appropriate setting. Yea, kinda decided not to go. Will just send a card & gift. The mother knows what is going on and can explain it, told her I don't mind if she says the truth.

This sounds like a good decision for you, Storm, and a good way to handle it. Good job, too, being up front about why you won't be there.