Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Lorrie (my nickname for him (he still goes by Male Pronouns)) is my MtF Boyfriend. I am a straight female in love with him (he has been the closest best friend I ever had, we just connected when we met 7 months ago), we started dating about a month ago). Well I knew about the Transgender and all that and I am very supportive.... this is where the shallowness comes in. >_>

I am fine and dandy with him dressing up, makeup, clothes, wigs, even the growing breasts.... my shallowness is the Genital part... I'm not sure if I can handle a vagina. I'm more of a penis type of person.

Well he has mentioned he probably wont get the surgery because of financial issues, but he is on the hormones which will eventually block all testosterone so all in all the equipment won't work.

I am very supportive of who he IS, I love him very dearly... just I am almost 25, and have a very high sex drive when I am with someone. I yearn to please them and whatnot. He is 40 and still has a moderately high sex drive, but occasionally the issue with arises with him being on the hormone treatment.[sorry if any of this is TMI]

I just feel like a Shallow B*tch because I have never been one to "care" about genitals (as long as they were male, because I've only been with males).

He has offered to quit the hormone treatment because he loves me but I feel horrid that he is willing to give up his life-long dream of becoming a woman for me. I would NEVER ask him to give it up, he has offered it all on his own, even tho I told him I dont want him doing that because of me. He has brought up quitting all on his own.

I do not think I would leave him, but I am just so confused. I feel bad because I did know all this before I got involved with him, but I fell in love with him way before we started dating.I love him to death, even tho I havent known him very long. I have had close or even "best friends" I have known since I was 5 years old, but Laura is someone I have became closest to in my whole life, even closer than my father and my dad was my world! I would be willing to take needles, handle snakes and lay my life down for him (my three biggest phobias) for him. and I would do it in a heartbeat without question.

I've read a lot about transgenders that stop or try to hide who they are and it talks a lot about depression and suicide. I couldn't bear to put him through that!

I don't know if he has tried quitting before this, I know he self-medicated and now is official [doctors and all], but he was hiding it before he more or less came out to me. I was the one who helped him start dressing publicly, but he doesn't do it often and he says he feels uncomfortable still dressing in public at times.

I dont mind the dressing and all that. I would never expect, or even want him to stop dressing if he wanted to continue dressing, that would not be a problem. IF [100% his choice] he were to stop the hormones, he could still dress (home, public, whatever he wanted), makeup, nail polish, wigs, even female pronouns if he wanted, I have ZERO issue with that, its all a genital thing for me which is why I say it's shallow, but I can't help it....

I'm just looking for some advice or words of wisdom.  :-\ Thank you for all and any help.

First.. I think it's important to clarify the difference between 'cross dressing' and transgender. Essentially, you are saying that you're OK with him cross dressing.. but here's the thing.. if a person identifies as a female and they put on female clothes... then they aren't cross dressing. Also.. just because someone identifies and trans doesn't mean that they will automatically have surgery. Some folks never do. I'm sure someone else can chime in about sexual functioning after hormones.

Hi Calico! I would advise consulting a Therapist with gender experience on this. Don't feel shallow though because you have a preference. A Therapist may be able to find out if this is really what you want. I am not saying this to be mean or anything, it's just down the line this may become a larger issue as time goes by. There are permanent effects from HRT such as infertility, sometimes a loss of function and differing sex drives. This a is very complex issue that we can give advice for, but it needs to be investigated further by a specialist.  :)

I can't offer much help other than to remember that just because a person is trans, doesn't mean they'll automatically be able to be who they truly are just like that and do the things that match their gender. I point this out because you mentioned they aren't comfortable at times going out dressed up. Basically we take it in baby steps, because we fear what the public will think of us and do to us if they found out. (Sad I know but such is the way this world is atm) So my advice is to not pressure your partner and take it slow and easy. The only other thing I can offer advice wise is, if your partner ever gets a sex change then see if they wouldn't mind wearing a sex toy for penetration. Hope that helps some.

Just a little info from my experience with HRT. My wife is also MTF and has been on hormones for 9 months. They did start to affect the functioning of that part pretty quickly for her. I know it does vary person to person but for us it was fast. She's never been keen on using it but especially since hormones she really doesn't like to anymore. It was fine for me but did require we alter our intimacy. I was never 100% straight so for me the lack of male genitals was never going to be an issue for me.

That being said, you really do need to do some soul searching here. You don't need to feel selfish or wrong for your concerns. You are entitled to your feelings just as your partner is. But do ask yourself if that is something you can do without. If not, what can you do to solve the problem? Maybe a toy or 2 is all you'll need. Or maybe it's going to be a little more complicated. If you still can't come to a conclusion then give it time. My philosophy has been to take things are they come. If it's not a problem now than I try not to make it one. No one is forcing you to make these decisions at this moment. As long you maintain an open dialogue between each other and make sure everyone's needs are being met.

i agree with crackpot... i have the same issue. i have a high testosterone issue and my girlfriend knows it but i also know that sex isn't something that's ever on her mind so i put her first and do my own thing so i don't pressure her. and she is fine with how things are and is hopeful for the future.

For now, I would say don't borrow trouble. Not everyone has problems functioning on HRT (my wife *could* anytime she wanted to, right up to surgery, although she didn't actually want to except to test the bits and make sure it'd work for surgery), and there are lots of trans people who choose not to trade in one set of genitalia for another. I know your partner has occasional issues, but so do plenty of 40-year-old cis men, and there's no guarantee that it'll get worse or function will go away entirely. Even if it does, you may be able to work out a compromise; sometimes dropping the dose or stopping anti-androgens will allow erections to come back without putting an end to feminization (it'll likely slow the process, but not stop it).

Right now, your partner is still working through the initial stages - and you're totally supportive of everything else, which is fantastic! So try not to worry too much about what the last few steps will be when you're still barely past the starting line.

Incidentally, there's also the option of artificial erections; my wife is happy to use a strap-on now, for all that she didn't want to use her original equipment.

Many 40 year olds men and above who are not trans start to have trouble functioning. Hence the popularity of the blue pill.

As to a preference in genital type, it's a valid concern especially if sex toys are not used.