Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Now I'm starting to think my mother's actively trying to deny (to an extent) what I've told her on Friday and today. This is making me feel a bit depressed right now. I kind of feel this conversation would've been so much easier at 15( right before I really started getting aggressive towards masking my femininity), but I can't change the past.

She keeps telling me shes doesn't see me as ever acting very feminine( she doesn't seem to understand that it's because I was so afraid of myself that I refused to act on my feminine side) in the present or in the past. I find this to be irritating/frustrating, because I know deep down what I am.  I almost started crying at one point(my eyes started feeling watery), but I was in the car so I couldn't.

She said I don't look very feminine, but she obviously never looked closely. I really don't look that masculine either though. I had to explain to her that there are ways of fixing that, besides just hormones(she didn't understand that hormones like estrogen and anti-androgens can actually feminize the body to an extent.) I told her later down the line I could always get FFS if the hormones aren't enough.

Some girls get to see my true side if I trust them enough, that not even my mother ever sees. Everything I say to my mother she tries her best to counter with something else, trying to convince me what I think is wrong. I can't really force her to see what she's not ready
to see.

I keep telling her it's what I want, but she says she'll still support me if I'm serious about it. The other thing I like that she said was that I'll always be her child no matter what.

She said things like "You don't enjoy shopping"(in some ways that's a stereotypical comment), but I find it hard to enjoy when I so afraid I just want to get in and out of the stores as quickly as possible. In reality I'd like to take my time in stores and look at things, but fear and the male image I'm still expected to show in society make things hard on me. I also tend to overemphasize certain masculine traits in front of my mother and other people, I'm well aware I'm doing that, but it's all part of my mask. It shows I've been doing a good job covering my tracks (at this time that's a disadvantage), but it's putting a tremendous strain on my mind, that's really starting to get to me.

If I don't deal with my problem soon I fear I'm going to become suicidal again, and that prospect terrifies me. I really don't want to go down that road and became another causality in the TG/TS world. I never told my mother this or about my last suicide attempt when I was 20, because I'd rather not scare her or have it coming out sounding like a threat.

Have any other people here had this problem talking about this to their parents after initially coming out?
I'd be grateful if anyone can help me.

I'm sure others have been asked "Why would you want to be girl? I've never seen you act like one (She's never seen me when I'm alone though)?" This comment hurt me more than words can describe, but like everything that hurts me I tend to internalize it. I know who I am inside, isn't that what really matters.

What would be some good/recommended articles or even books that might help my mother understand better?

~Marciel

Marciel,
Parents are defensive like that all the time.
Mine are the most supportive in the world, yet
my mother said things a lot worse than yours when I told her.

Don't justify yourself, its only destructive, you know who you are
and that's enough. If she's really supportive she'll let you go
to a gender clinic (pay for it if its private) and let what going to happen
happen.

As for shopping, being feminine, etc. I hated my appearance so much prior to HRT that I never wanted to buy male clothes and I'd let them fall appart if not for my mother buying new clothes for me into my 30's!!! Many TS have learned to cope in repressing their normal instincts.

Quote from: Marciel on July 22, 2007, 02:31:40 PM
She keeps telling me shes doesn't see me as ever acting very feminine....

She said I don't look very feminine...

Everything I say to my mother she tries her best to counter with something else, trying to convince me what I think is wrong...

The other thing I like that she said was that I'll always be her child no matter what.

"Why would you want to be girl? I've never seen you act like one..."

My mother said all of these things too. Not much fun, is it? You're telling your mom your deepest, darkest secret, and expect that hey, maybe you'll even be *closer* now because you can be real and open and honest... and they DOUBT us, and question the one thing we're dead sure about.

But parents can be like that, always protective and figuring they know what's best for us. It's their job to help make sure we're not about to walk off any proverbial cliffs, you know? Heck, I'm *43* and my mom STILL does this, lol.

Just give her time. It's a LOT to digest for a parent especially.

QuoteWhat would be some good/recommended articles or even books that might help my mother understand better?

I sent my parents a copy of "True Selves." from Amazon. She read some of it apparently, but didn't seem to absorb a word of it, as she still says the same demeaning and dismissive things. Both my parents just avoid the subject entirely now when we talk on the phone (they live 5 hours away and have never seen "Kate"). So I know what you mean about denial, and I don't know what to do about it either. They've made it clear they're not "ready" to see me, so... oh well.

~Kate~

Quote from: Keira on July 22, 2007, 03:23:15 PM

Marciel,
Parents are defensive like that all the time.
Mine are the most supportive in the world, yet
my mother said things a lot worse than yours when I told her.

Don't justify yourself, its only destructive, you know who you are

and that's enough. If she's really supportive she'll let you go
to a gender clinic (pay for it if its private) and let what going to happen
happen.

As for shopping, being feminine, etc. I hated my appearance so much prior to HRT that I never wanted to buy male clothes and I'd let them fall appart if not for my mother buying new clothes for me into my 30's!!! Many TS have learned to cope in repressing their normal instincts.

Thanks, that makes me feel a little better  :) , knowing things could've been much worse.
I guess I shouldn't feel the need to defend myself, since I know what I am that's all that really matters.

I know what you mean about the clothing and hating my appearance. I also let my mother buy most of my clothes, because
I never really cared if I looked good (I'm pretty much asexual for now so I never really tried to attract anyone). The funny thing is my mother said she'd buy me women's clothes if I ever felt the need.

Eventually I may take her up on the offer, because in the past 3 weeks I've begun experimenting a little bit with my sister's clothing in secret (though I can't fit most of it unless it buttons up or is adjustable, with her being very petite/short. She'd probably kill me if she knew.) I also found I can somehow fit a size 9 women's sneaker (even though I wear size 11 mens, how does that work? I'm glad her feet are kind of big), and one of her sets of 2 in. heels. I've even done some minor experimentation with make-up (though all I could find was light pink lip gloss and grayish blue eyeshadow, they didn't look too bad since my skin tone is pretty close to my sisters), though seeing it with my stubble is depressing. It makes me happy that I'm finally starting to feel comfortable enough with myself to try new things towards my eventually goal. I haven't felt any sexual arousal doing any of this, it just feels nice. I always used to be so jealous of how nice and comfortable it would be to wear the clothes I saw on girls.

I also I haven't told my mother about that just yet, because I'm just giving her a little bit of information at a time. Too much at once would probably be a bad thing.

I'm sorry I got a bit off topic... ;D

The closest gender center I know about in my state is at least 45 minutes from my house. With me relying so much on my mother driving me, I have to work around her busy schedule, so that doesn't leave much time. I guess now I should start learning to drive, as much as it stresses me out. If I had to pay a taxi, that would start to get expensive ( not ideal since I need all the money I can get at this time). I don't really have any friends right now, so I have nobody else to drive me.

Would I be able to go to any endocrinologist with a recommendation, or do they have to be a specialist of some kind?

Quote from: Kate on July 22, 2007, 03:26:20 PM


My mother said all of these things too. Not much fun, is it? You're telling your mom your deepest, darkest secret, and expect that hey, maybe you'll even be *closer* now because you can be real and open and honest... and they DOUBT us, and question the one thing we're dead sure about.

But parents can be like that, always protective and figuring they know what's best for us. It's their job to help make sure we're not about to walk off any proverbial cliffs, you know? Heck, I'm *43* and my mom STILL does this, lol.

Just give her time. It's a LOT to digest for a parent especially.

If I can still get her support (though she may well be in denial) I guess that's better than being shut out,disowned, etc...
Right now support is what I could really use anyways, I just hope that in time she'll come to terms with it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quote from: Kate on July 22, 2007, 03:26:20 PM

I sent my parents a copy of "True Selves." from Amazon. She read some of it apparently, but didn't seem to absorb a word of it, as she still says the same demeaning and dismissive things. Both my parents just avoid the subject entirely now when we talk on the phone (they live 5 hours away and have never seen "Kate"). So I know what you mean about denial, and I don't know what to do about it either. They've made it clear they're not "ready" to see me, so... oh well.

~Kate~

I might have to settle with articles, because my mother is a bit of a slow reader (understatement). I guess parents can only absorb what they want to accept. Sorry to hear your parents are still in denial.



Thanks both of you, I'm starting to feel a little better now.

~Marciel

Quote from: Marciel on July 22, 2007, 02:31:40 PM
She keeps telling me shes doesn't see me as ever acting very feminine( she doesn't seem to understand that it's because I was so afraid of myself that I refused to act on my feminine side) in the present or in the past.

My mom said exactly that to me.
In response, I wrote and sent her a detailed history of transsexualism active in my life going back to my early childhood, over 40 facts, many things I'd hidden my whole life. She was surprised to learn many of these things, but some of them she argued with me about.

QuoteSome girls get to see my true side if I trust them enough, that not even my mother ever sees. Everything I say to my mother she tries her best to counter with something else, trying to convince me what I think is wrong.

I got exactly the same reaction from my mom. I became so frustrated and hurt when she blocked out everything I tried to say from my heart, I verged on suicidal for a while too. For about two years, communication between my Mom and me was shut down.

I got a small breakthrough a few months ago, when I was so suicidally depressed my wife called my Mom and told her. Then she contacted me and we talked. She said "When you hurt, I hurt," which was encouraging. She seemed oblivious, however, that she was the one who had been hurting me. She still wasn't supporting me being trans, but at least she began to listen to what I had to say somewhat. Now I'm beginning to worry that because she's old, her mind is starting to slow, I used to think she was being deliberately obtuse, now I'm concerned she's just turning senile.

Like Kate, I sent my mom a copy of True Selves (http://www.amazon.com/True-Selves-Understanding-Transsexualism-Professionals/dp/0787967025)... I haven't heard back and don't know if she's read any of it... but I hope it will allow a ray of light to dawn for her...

Quote from: Hypatia on August 01, 2007, 10:23:11 PM
My mom said exactly that to me.
In response, I wrote and sent her a detailed history of transsexualism active in my life going back to my early childhood, over 40 facts, many things I'd hidden my whole life. She was surprised to learn many of these things, but some of them she argued with me about.

That's just how parents are I guess, they'd do anything to convince you your wrong, even if you had all the evidence in the world.

I could list as many instances from my past as I wanted for my mother, but I have the feeling she would have a counter for everything I throw at her. As long as she stays supportive I can live with her partial denial for now. All I know is things could've turned out worse, reading other people's stories.

If she had time to be reading books that book would be a good idea, but she's so busy working, that she barely has time for anything else. I don't think she'd actually read it anyways.

~Marciel

I've been out a year and a half, and my mom is still in denial about it.  She only in the last 2 months started using my new name.  She doesn't use the right pronouns ever.  And just last week she told me I was ugly and no one would accept me as female, which by this point is completely laughable.  Fortunately she had to tell me this over the phone, because I moved out finally, it was just not healthy to live in that house with that kind of constant negation.  And she was probably a lot better than most trans parents are.

I would just say, take whatever your mom says with a grain of salt.  She's not exactly objective to the situation.  And she is used to seeing you one way and not another.  Get your own income, get your independence and live happy. 

Soon I'll be able to work from home, because I'm almost done with some online courses for graphic design. Maybe then I'll be able to move out, if I can make enough.

My mother may be in slight denial (I doubt there's many parents that don't have some degree of denial), but my relationship really hasn't changed with my mother (It's always been pretty good), which shows there may be hope for her yet. I'm not really feeling any negativity at all from my mother, she's just not that kind of person.

My mother isn't really giving me any reason to leave yet, but I guess I'll have to see how she handles things when I begin HRT in the next 2 months(wishful thinking), five if I can't get the letter from my current psychiatrist (since she doesn't really have much experience with GID.) I'm going to ask my psychiatrist during my next appointment just to see if she can. If not I guess it's time to seek out a therapist that specializes in GID.

~Marciel