Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Sorry to come off as negative, but I'm in a pretty bad headspace today and I would really like a little advice. Basically, what do you folks do on the bad days, the days when you hate yourself?

-Tegan

What do you mean? Body dysphoria or Not being able to do somthing you want to? Do you mean being at war with yourself, un decisive moment? Or when you set out to do somthing and second guess yourself and don't do it?

Or do you just mean "hate" for anyreason?

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One of the things I do, is take to someone I hate less then myself. I talk to my dad a lot and he treis his best, but turns dismissive some as far as my transition is concerned, and I'm greatfull for this in a way, because I leave the convo hating him instead :p.When I talk to more sympathetic people I get hugs and cuddles (sometimes I hate myself for completelly none dysphoric reasons).


If I hate myself because I think I should of been better, had more courage, more intelects, more stamina, I just keep trying and trying, and oive had to learn I'm not a heroin, I can't help everybody and somtimes its bnest I do nothing or do somthing els.
Wishing I could do more, realy gets to me.

Another thing I do, is a try and see a funny side or take my mind off of it, I somtimes do things for the purpose of feeling better about myself, ill visit the what made you un-happy and can I pass threds to cheer people up. Last time I hated myself I read the bad jokes thread from start to finish

My nose 🙁 and my big butt make me self conscience

Self harm, starve etc. I don't handle stuff well, evidently. We all feel insecure sometimes, tho, even the most beautiful people in the world do. It's apart of life I guess.

you dont even wanna fathom or guess what i do on days i hate myself.

Whatever the reason I always believe if your going to do something do it properly.  So for a bad head space I like to go deep really deep. Be that picturing me and a blunt instrument,  or listening to Nick Cave's murder ballads and I come up when I'm good and ready blasting anyone who says I should cheer up. (Side note never be afraid to ask a friend R U OK, a simple conversation may change a life), even if some of us like to wallow its nice to know people care.

I also bowl either by myself or with anyone I can drag with me.  It forces me to clear my mind and focus if I want to get a decent score and I can take out any issues on the pins >:-) (They can't do anything back to you)

I tend to just slink away off to my own space and just overwhelm myself with music. I just drown everything out with that.

Quote from: Abbyxo on May 21, 2014, 08:15:25 PM
Self harm, starve etc. I don't handle stuff well, evidently. We all feel insecure sometimes, tho, even the most beautiful people in the world do. It's apart of life I guess.

i dont know how people can starve themselves. i just end up going bulimic o.O

Quote from: immortal gypsy on May 21, 2014, 08:37:11 PM
(Side note never be afraid to ask a friend R U OK, a simple conversation may change a life)

Yes and if nothing els. said freind has already vented some anger by grumbeling "what do you think" and being sarcy.

I talk with my brothers or close friends aware of my 'situation'.
Frank talk. Keeping for yourself is not good.
Otherwise, music or watching a documentary (I love documentaries about social insects and space) also helps me a lot if I'm alone.
Try to take your mind off the negative feedback loop. Put your brain in standby.
Alcohol and drugs won't help. Tried that before...

Sonia

I stare at myself in the mirror and have a very bad conversation.

Quote from: Brianna Umiko Liliana on May 21, 2014, 08:41:51 PM
i dont know how people can starve themselves. i just end up going bulimic o.O

And ruin my teeth?? Never! Starving is truly an addiction for me. I love hunger pains when I'm really bad off xD

Quote from: Abbyxo on May 21, 2014, 09:28:16 PM
And ruin my teeth?? Never! Starving is truly an addiction for me. I love hunger pains when I'm really bad off xD

i can understand that. i use to starve myself but after being starved most of my life, my survival instincts say you must eat even though i dont want to lol

Quote from: immortal gypsy on May 21, 2014, 08:37:11 PM
Side note never be afraid to ask a friend R U OK, a simple conversation may change a life, even if some of us like to wallow its nice to know people care.

So Tegan are you okay?

sry, i did get a bit carried away, but i'd say go for a bike ride, go for a walk, find anything to distract yourself. hell, if you dont like reading, nows a good time to pick up a good book lol

I'm assuming this has everything to do with transitioning or something presentation related - so in this context - I would just accept the best version of me at the time of whatever it is that's causing me an insurmountable dysphoria and live with-and-within it. Don't harm yourself needlessly by trying to do otherwise. It will crush you in the end.

If you achieve androgyny - live happily androgynously. If you pass - live passably. Be realistic and temper your expectations.

I'm still moving along here at a comfortable pace, yet mindful to preempt myself from iffy thinking by adhering to baby steps, testing, then deciding if what I'm doing is realistically feasible or not.

I realize my limits.

If anything that I'm doing is not in the cards or feasible or attainable, then I'm going to drop it, have a dry martini, reflect a little, forgive, and move on. At least I tried.

Oh yeah, there's always the option to chase after $$$$. Because it tends to solve a lot of other problems in life. And it keep you busy to-boot.

Cry... don't get out of bed... don't eat... cry some more...

My partner learned well and blocked off all of our mirrors around the room.

I don't necessarily hate myself- just my body. And that's pretty much 24/7 it just depends on the intensity.

I talk to my friends and family. Those who know me and who I really am and accept that. Before I could do that though I talked to my therapist and my mentor on this journey.

And as of lately I have devolved into a certain Hearthstone game. 🙁
Horrible I know.

Cry very easily or feel dead inside. Self harm with cutting, drinking alone, starving. Sleep too much, isolation, accepting emotional abuse, vicious self-loathing. Feel suicidal more easily.

Recently: Not cutting anymore (though still tempted), trying social interaction, using a crisis chat line I found (7 cups of tea), not drinking. Still excess sleep, self harming with starving. Still think about killing myself/ remembering past attempts on those bad days.

I could be wrong, but I gathered Tegan was maybe looking for some positive solutions and coping strategies. :)

Self-hatred is a pretty dark and toxic place. Been there on more occasions than I care to mention. Fortunately not for a while now. The worst thing about self-hatred and self-abuse (verbal or physical) is that you're doing it to yourself. If you wouldn't do the same thing to another person or animal, why on earth would you do it to the most important person in your life - you?

I don't know how it happened, but one day a few years back I was in a despicably black place of self loathing, and all of a sudden, like an out of body experience, I saw that I was a prisoner to a mean, nasty tyrant and sadist. I became deeply sad and upset because I realised that sadistic tyrant was myself. I just wanted to hug myself, heal myself, love myself and keep myself safe. "It's OK, sweetie, they're gone, no more abuse, no more prison." 🙂

I play the piano or guitar and usually soft and light sounding music such as A River Flows in You by Yiruma.

I work on mathematics

Cry, mildly starve myself and take a sleeping pill. Not a dangerous amount.. Just enough to knock me out for the day in hopes that I'll wake up feeling better.

If for whatever reason I can't take a sleeping pill (at work or not gonna be home any time soon) I revert back to the other 2.

As for doing something that makes me feel better ~ not very productive or healthy; I shop... Singing also lifts my spirits, gets me high lol

I used to hate my self everyday some days worse then others, and one day I read a qoute online it went something like "Love isnt about being happy, but sacrficing things to make others happy" and from that point it sort of clicked I decided to help others. So now im going to school for nursing and I work and volenteer alot at the hospital s in my area as a EMR and paitient watch. Sometimes I work 16 hour shifts 5 days a week just to distract my self but I always find it worth it 🙂 Although I still get really bad days and on those ones I go in my car crank my music up and drive or just go out and walk around for an hour or to. Worst thing i did is hide and wallow in self pity, I found it always made it worse.

I have a tough time dealing with this. Ive suffered from alot of self hatred and self harmed when I was in school. Nowadays I dont self harm instead I drown myself in music until i feel better but now ive started to write again and i find that if i write my feelings down and what Im going through at that time. When i write its like my feelings and ideas are placed out of my mind and taken away, when i close the book the problems stay in there. Its not always that easy bit i think it helps me alot especially when im not able to talk to anyone. 🙂

QuoteI could be wrong, but I gathered Tegan was maybe looking for some positive solutions and coping strategies. :)

For me, I try to pay attention to the negative things I tend to do on those days, and then try to do the opposite. I like several of the positive things I've read on this thread, especially the writing down thoughts to help get over them.

I usually listen to music to get me through days when I'm feeling down. House/Trance mostly with upbeat melodies and a bit of energy to them. No depressing lyrics if there are any. I've found music to be a great help in my transition as it takes my mind off things. I can spend hours with my Bluetooth headphones on wondering around my house!

OK therapeutic wise

Evelyn likes to:

Put on her earbuds and take a 2-mile run. Don't underestimate the "runners high" I love those endorphins.
Retail therapy.
Yeah I'm a trance girl too. Yay Jono, Paavo, Tony.
Surfing Deviant Art and visiting other peoples worlds.
Watch my favorite movie Blade Runner, or Aliens.

When really down, surrounding yourself with friends, or taking a senior neighbor out for coffee and cakes. It's uplifting to spend money on people and things I care about. And it gets you outside.

When really *really* down ... Welp, there's always ambien and a bottle of beer. But thankfully those times are exceptionally rare.

Quote from: Ms Grace on May 22, 2014, 01:50:15 AM
I could be wrong, but I gathered Tegan was maybe looking for some positive solutions and coping strategies. :)

Very astute, Grace. :)

Thank you for redirecting things back to the proper course.

Pity parties aren't helpful at all, but coping strategies are.

By the way, I'm feeling better today. In fact, I feel really good today. Sometimes when I hit bottom, I bounce.

-Teg

Quote from: Sincerely Tegan on May 22, 2014, 12:23:51 PM

By the way, I'm feeling better today. In fact, I feel really good today. Sometimes when I hit bottom, I bounce.

Glad you feel better Teg.

Quote from: Unknownfavor on May 22, 2014, 07:29:27 AM
I used to hate my self everyday some days worse then others, and one day I read a qoute online it went something like "Love isnt about being happy, but sacrficing things to make others happy" and from that point it sort of clicked I decided to help others. So now im going to school for nursing and I work and volenteer alot at the hospital s in my area as a EMR and paitient watch. Sometimes I work 16 hour shifts 5 days a week just to distract my self but I always find it worth it 🙂 Although I still get really bad days and on those ones I go in my car crank my music up and drive or just go out and walk around for an hour or to. Worst thing i did is hide and wallow in self pity, I found it always made it worse.

I always wanted to go and volunteer in some places , but especially now , with all the trans-related issues , I am more and more convinced that it will give me some peace  .  I am more of a wildlife , environment kind of person and I would like to help by volunteering in those areas  ( although I feel guilty that I volunteer in something that I like rather than just helping others  )  .  Anyway , until now , I found that the programs are requesting some payments and I don't have money at all right now . I am so willing to give my time and effort  ,  yet I can't afford to pay for it at the moment  . 
Now I ' hide ad wallow in self pity ' as you said , and I feel ok with it somehow  ,  the pain is so intense yet stable  ,  I know that tomorrow will be a sad day too and  I hope that someday a  miracle will happen  , death or happiness ..

Quote from: Claudia_FF on May 22, 2014, 12:53:30 PM
I always wanted to go and volunteer in some places , but especially now , with all the trans-related issues , I am more and more convinced that it will give me some peace  .  I am more of a wildlife , environment kind of person and I would like to help by volunteering in those areas  ( although I feel guilty that I volunteer in something that I like rather than just helping others  )  .  Anyway , until now , I found that the programs are requesting some payments and I don't have money at all right now . I am so willing to give my time and effort  ,  yet I can't afford to pay for it at the moment  . 
Now I ' hide ad wallow in self pity ' as you said , and I feel ok with it somehow  ,  the pain is so intense yet stable  ,  I know that tomorrow will be a sad day too and  I hope that someday a  miracle will happen  , death or happiness ..

Keep looking, Claudia. Volunteering shouldn't cost anything, so I'm sure there's a cost-free option out there for you.

I know that as a child I sometimes had those petulant moments in which the only thing that could make me feel better was feeling worse. It wasn't about being happy- it was about feeling satisfied that my pain was visible. Of course, when people didn't notice, it made it all worse.

Finding volunteer work sounds like the preferable option. By the way, wanting to volunteer with something that you actually care about is not selfish; you don't have to suffer in order to help others. It should be something that feeds the soul.

-Teg

When it is really bad I get drunk with imported beed, eat pizza and doritos.

When I can manage it, I go to my home office and study, telling myself that improving myself is the only road to a better job that will pay for the surgeries I need.

Thanks for your nice words  ,  I hope I will someday be able to volunteer in the areas I like  .  Unfortunately , in my country it isn't possible for sure  . 
About feeling guilty when volunteer in what I like , I still think it is bad  and  I get emotional thinking at people  , causes , other animals that suffer yet are not so pretty or mediatized  and people often avoid helping them too  .  I often make the analogy with a childhood and most of all with mine  ,  when no one saw the sensitivity or had the desire to help me because I was not pretty or popular  .
For example , many people would like to help orphan children having a happy day or helping in a wildlife center that deals mostly with baby or cute animals  .  Yet not so many want to help old people  , mentally ill people  ,  homeless people  ,  common and not-so-cute animals  , and so on ,  although they need the same help and caring  . 
I feel for to truly be able to tell myself that I help , I need to sacrifice some things more than just the regular time and effort  . 

I know that I will never be how I want :  physically , socially , as emotional stable and other traits  ,  so I could at least dedicate my life in helping others and maybe beside a little peace I will get also the feeling that I am closer to my ideal  . 

I want to feel happiness when dealing with the difficult part of the word , not just when doing things I like  . 

About sadness , I am kind of an ' attention whore '  ,  I like people to notice and ease my sadness  ,  yet beside this website and one other online friend , I don't have where to show my sadness . So it is not only about being seen  .  Sometime I cry so deep that my whole body is in a scary yet pleasant state  .  I get so detached and I feel so ' bullet proof ' , I just don't care about anything . 

Quote from: Claudia_FF on May 22, 2014, 01:29:52 PM
Thanks for your nice words  ,  I hope I will someday be able to volunteer in the areas I like  .  Unfortunately , in my country it isn't possible for sure  . 
About feeling guilty when volunteer in what I like , I still think it is bad  and  I get emotional thinking at people  , causes , other animals that suffer yet are not so pretty or mediatized  and people often avoid helping them too  .  I often make the analogy with a childhood and most of all with mine  ,  when no one saw the sensitivity or had the desire to help me because I was not pretty or popular  .
For example , many people would like to help orphan children having a happy day or helping in a wildlife center that deals mostly with baby or cute animals  .  Yet not so many want to help old people  , mentally ill people  ,  homeless people  ,  common and not-so-cute animals  , and so on ,  although they need the same help and caring  . 
I feel for to truly be able to tell myself that I help , I need to sacrifice some things more than just the regular time and effort  . 

I know that I will never be how I want :  physically , socially , as emotional stable and other traits  ,  so I could at least dedicate my life in helping others and maybe beside a little peace I will get also the feeling that I am closer to my ideal  . 

I want to feel happiness when dealing with the difficult part of the word , not just when doing things I like  . 

About sadness , I am kind of an ' attention whore '  ,  I like people to notice and ease my sadness  ,  yet beside this website and one other online friend , I don't have where to show my sadness . So it is not only about being seen  .  Sometime I cry so deep that my whole body is in a scary yet pleasant state  .  I get so detached and I feel so ' bullet proof ' , I just don't care about anything .

Claudia,

I think it's easy for those of us with trans identification to convince ourselves that our problems are hopeless, and to then turn our energies toward helping others rather than trying to help ourselves.

This is from my intro: "Over those undergrad years, I made numerous fun and eclectic friends, but those I truly connected with were those that I perceived as lost and wandering souls like me. I remember consciously thinking to myself that since I could not help myself I should instead at least help my friends."

It didn't help. Eventually, you're going to have to turn those desires to fix things onto yourself.

By the way, your country doesn't have animal shelters? It might not be exactly what you want, but I bet they have some ugly puppies or something you could take care of. :)

I hope your day is treating you well.

Cheers,
Teg

Quote from: Julia (Apple-Whatever) on May 22, 2014, 01:21:41 PM
When it is really bad I get drunk with imported beed, eat pizza and doritos.

When I can manage it, I go to my home office and study, telling myself that improving myself is the only road to a better job that will pay for the surgeries I need.

Never underestimate the healing power of beer and pizza. And ice cream.

But sometimes I'll feel guilty for indulging like that and the cycle starts again lol.

usually lay in bed and watch tv, cry alil, and smoke alot of cigarettes. or watch alot of violent movies and videogames.

Dark. Dark poetry. way worst than Edgar Allan Poe and then try to put it to music. Or just beat the hell out of the guitar until all the aggression and hate goes away. Sometimes it does and sometimes it don't. If it don't I either play the blues or listen to the Blues.