Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Well my situation is complicated.. has to do with my wife and losing a marriage.
So, I was going to try to stop HRT and see if  the male comes back and maybe give it a try to be male.
Problem is I can't stop HRT.. I love my body and how I feel.  But I might.. I have a plan from my endo if I do.
So I was wondering.. if anyone has done that and if you feel male again.
I can't act male anymore.. its just the small things...but I totally feel female.. I mean completely given into it..
Brain wise there is no more guy left at all.. its weird but wonderful.
So, wonder if I stopped if I would act male again?? 
Other issue Is now I know how much I like feeling like this.. I don't think I can as much as I want my marriage and things to be the same.
I am giving up so much to be me...seriously.
Carrie

I'd just like to say that If both people in a relationship arent happy with themselves, its going to cause problems. Before transition, I was nothing but a walking cloud of anger and depression... my marriage was going to FAIL just on that note... when I chose to transition, it could have failed just as easily, but my satisfaction with myself was enough to push me forward and survive. I even willingly told my wife "i love you and i would love to spend my life with you, but I won't sacrifice my inner happiness for our rocky marriage, and i wont let you sacrifice your happiness for it either."

If you are happy now and your marriage can't continue, then its probably better to seek someone else because going back will only make you unhappy, and unhappiness alone is enough to make a partner say "i've had enough of your negative attitude, i'm leaving."... you can't please everyone, but there are people out there who will do anything to please you. There is a quote that I love that goes like this:

""Change is hard because people overestimate the value of what they have—and underestimate the value of what they may gain by giving that up." -Dont remember who said it, but its a good quote.

To answer your question; if you were to stop and restart your natural T-production, i think a bit of your male habits might come back, but is possible that a lot of what exists now has always existed under a mask.

Quote from: carrie359 on May 22, 2014, 12:02:49 PM
Well my situation is complicated.. has to do with my wife and losing a marriage.
So, I was going to try to stop HRT and see if  the male comes back and maybe give it a try to be male.
Problem is I can't stop HRT.. I love my body and how I feel.  But I might.. I have a plan from my endo if I do.

I am sorry to say that I suspect that your marriage may be doomed, or at least badly damaged.

The genie is out of the bottle and I cannot see how you will squeeze it back in again. Your wife knows you want to do this very badly and will be watching for the first sign that you may be continuing transition. You, on the other hand, are already finding it incredibly hard to stop transitioning. This is not a sustainable situation - it cannot be much more then a temporary truce.

You have experienced the "drug" of being yourself. The intoxicating delight of being as real as you can be, of not being a fake any longer. If you give all that up, will you never resent her for it?

I can understand why she wants you to stop but she lacks a realistic understanding of GD. Most people do not understand it so it is hardly surprising. The one thing that seems to be common is that once someone has experienced transition, if they suppress it then it comes back even stronger.

I can only see two ways forward for you both. You need to make her aware of the strength of this compulsion by talking to her about it and making her understand as much as possible. The status quo is no longer an option. You need to talk this out. Burying it never seems to work for anyone.

:(

The actual HRT, I am on now, is my 4th attempt... I gave up three times, because I believed, that I can live as a man, also to satisfy the significant other's desires... Well, I've never been so wrong.

Now I am single, but happy young woman and I do not regret at all! :)

Now, there is something I want to share here and I will continue repeating it everytime, when I see such dilemma:

The most important person in your life is YOU and YOU are the only person, that YOU will be living with for sure, for the rest of YOUR life, till death. Remember it everytime, when someone says, that some relationship or someone's wishes are more important, than yours!
If someone is loving you unconditionally, then why they want you to do such sacrifice, when they know it makes you unhappy? The answer is EGO.

If you check my blog here, you will have a taste of what two weeks can do. But in my case, I though more about ramming again, was more aggressive and smelled awful until I could resume treatment.

Can't say anything about the long term. I was counting the days until resuming.

the only thing you can ask yourself is what's more important to finishing your path in life. I've never had to make that choice so I can only offer my question.

Quote from: LittleEmily24 on May 22, 2014, 12:24:35 PM
I'd just like to say that If both people in a relationship arent happy with themselves, its going to cause problems. Before transition, I was nothing but a walking cloud of anger and depression... my marriage was going to FAIL just on that note...

I agree, a marriage should be anchored by a position of strength. Both partners have to be sure and well of themselves. Unfortunately many people get married for the wrong reasons - convenience, loneliness, fear, or infatuation. And I'm sure there's many more.

Yes, I stopped HRT. No, it was not pleasant and yes the male came back and my body remasculinised (some aspects quicker than others). No, I was not happy.

I went about 3 years without because of devastating things that happened in my and my mom's life some years ago, homelessness, moving to another state, trying to pick ourselves back up again, and then trying to find an endo again and be able to afford the estrogen. I was extremely unstable. Self-destructive in thoughts, constantly thinking of ways to kill myself, or actually doing physical damage to myself. So depressed that one day I tied my balls up tight in hopes of damaging them enough that they'd have to be removed, I couldn't handle the pain for long. Had several violent physical outbursts, one being that I punched a wall in the trailer we were living in, since I was enraged I didn't think about what I'd hit, well, I hit a beam inside of the wall, crushed my knuckles. My hand was all swollen up and purple, fractured, broken, I don't know. It took some time for it to heal up, my little finger on my left had is quite a bit shorter than it used to be but at least it still functions. I'd randomly cry to the point of hyperventilating, get into loud cursing fits, wished I was dead so I wouldn't have to deal with all this. Also, almost all the time, anxiety so bad sometimes I thought I'd have a heart attack or something. I was a mess. I didn't know how much longer I could handle it.

Surprisingly I lasted through it and was still able to function especially at work, I thought I'd blow a gasket for sure and get fired or something. And I'm a real ass@#$% when off the hormones too long, I don't care about anyone, not sensitive in the least, sometimes downright mean to the point of cruelty, and I know I'm acting like this but can't stop myself since my brain is a mess from the hormonal imbalance, withdrawals, no estrogen flowing through my body, tons of testosterone surging through unhindered, putting me back to where I was before I ever started hormone therapy. And being horny several times a day isn't my idea of fun, totally disruptive of my life and mental state. What else? Oh, my strength came back, though I think it was mostly fueled by adrenaline because I was always on edge, I did all I could not to do any kind of physical work that would build my muscles up. I was never big to begin with but still prior to estrogen I had some definition. Skin got tougher too, wasn't bruising or getting cut so easily. Started getting zits again, not as severe as I used to have them back when I was in my teens and 20s, but still, my skin got so oily it was ridiculous.

And to think I may be right back in that position again very soon. Going to try to hold up until I can find me another doctor where I live now. I thought it'd be easier to find a endo in Austin that would take transsexuals, so far every one of them I have called don't, some referring me to another that they think may but end up not. My last one was great, super cheap too, that was the best thing (only good thing) about living where we did in North Carolina before.

I stopped 4 weeks before my op.I turned into a pissed off monster,imagine kicking a grizzly bear up the ass with a size 12 Army boot.I was the bear 24/7!

Thanks for all the heartfelt  responses.. I have been so busy just now had a chance to sit down and think clearly.. busy week for sure.

Megan hope you are ok kiddo.... and don't have to stop HRT!   
Anyway
Best way I can describe how I feel is if you  take a piece of paper and that represents me, my wife and my home and business.. and rip it in half.. I get 1/3 which represents me and rest goes with wife.. I lose so much with transition.. its clearly ripping me apart .

I know I need to complete transition.. Its obvious I am total female....
Therapy every week.. and when I get out I am even more myself.  I have learned everything I need to know about who I am and its amazing to accept it.
For my wife i want to quit and be that guy she loved so much.. she is in great pain and its so hurting her...to see me change.
I hit the jackpot on HRT and those changes are harder and harder to hide..
Even if I stop now.... only after 5 months up top is too big and I love it.
I can't go back just need to decide when to end the marriage...
Sucks,
Carrie

So sorry dear, really.  Wish there was a way out for you that includes being true to yourself too.

I can't stop E personally.  But I can present in a way that does not trigger the wife.  That was the key for me.

Helps being an A cup.

Hang in there we are here.

I stopped once before for a couple years. Won't do it again. Someone on here posted once that "you never become less trans", and while that can be taken several ways I took it in the sense these feelings never go away and I'd better do something if I truly wanted to be content.

ETA: I also think there's a 95% chance your marriage will fail regardless. You're trying to change your very nature to suit someone else, that never works for long.

There are some of us who have saved marriages

It depends on if the dysphoria can intersect the wifes comfort zone and yours too

there is also reduced HRT

There may be non binary solutions

There are some sacrifices that are acceptable

All of these are unique situations

It becomes a question of where the compromises intersect and if it works for both you and your wife.

It did happen for me, and there are others.  But only you know your wifes comfort zones and if yours can be compatible.

So sorry dear.  But I wont write off a marrage unless every option has been looked at.

I am lucky to be able to live GQ.  Really lucky.

Whatever happens, you hang in there.

This is just my viewpoint/story so take it with a grain of salt as I cannot speak for everyone. 

I was in a similar situation (albeit, not yet married, but most of our friends considered us to be married as my gf and I had been living together for close to 4 years).  I had already came out to her and had been in transition for over 6 months when I made the decision to stop transitioning back in 2010 to take a job and relocate back to where we were both originally from.  It was definitely the wrong thing to do.  I tried to play the male role again, but was always soo grumpy and was depressed that I had to do so.  Basically, after everything was out in the open and I had a taste of my true self, I should have realized that I would not want to go back and that our relationship would never be the same again.  I hate to admit this, but ever since I put off transition, I have been holding out on buying an engagement ring because I did not want my issues to carryover into a marriage.  Man oh man am I glad I held out as my gender identity issues never went away (they actually got a lot worse).  And, as bad as this may sound, although I have enjoyed the company of my gf, I pretty much feel like I have wasted close to 4 years of my life and more importantly her life by stopping my transition thinking I could continue being the man of her dreams.

Quote from: Kaley on May 31, 2014, 06:22:30 PM
This is just my viewpoint/story so take it with a grain of salt as I cannot speak for everyone. 

I was in a similar situation (albeit, not yet married, but most of our friends considered us to be married as my gf and I had been living together for close to 4 years).  I had already came out to her and had been in transition for over 6 months when I made the decision to stop transitioning back in 2010 to take a job and relocate back to where we were both originally from.  It was definitely the wrong thing to do.  I tried to play the male role again, but was always soo grumpy and was depressed that I had to do so.  Basically, after everything was out in the open and I had a taste of my true self, I should have realized that I would not want to go back and that our relationship would never be the same again.  I hate to admit this, but ever since I put off transition, I have been holding out on buying an engagement ring because I did not want my issues to carryover into a marriage.  Man oh man am I glad I held out as my gender identity issues never went away (they actually got a lot worse).  And, as bad as this may sound, although I have enjoyed the company of my gf, I pretty much feel like I have wasted close to 4 years of my life and more importantly her life by stopping my transition thinking I could continue being the man of her dreams.

It is such a difficult thing to deal with . I stopped for a week and was going to quit , but my therapist was smart enough to let me see that it might not be a good idea, and she was absolutely right because I hit a massive suicidal depression which totally disappeared once I took the hormones again.

Quote from: carrie359 on May 23, 2014, 12:28:20 PM
I know I need to complete transition.. Its obvious I am total female....
Therapy every week.. and when I get out I am even more myself.  I have learned everything I need to know about who I am and its amazing to accept it.
For my wife i want to quit and be that guy she loved so much.. she is in great pain and its so hurting her...to see me change.
I hit the jackpot on HRT and those changes are harder and harder to hide..
Even if I stop now.... only after 5 months up top is too big and I love it.
I can't go back just need to decide when to end the marriage...
Sucks,
Carrie

My heart goes out to you sweetie. I'm very sorry to hear about what your going through. I feel for your wife too because I know what my SO went through when I first told her about myself. Now I'm not trying to sound harsh, but you need to listen to yourself especially the statement you made above I emphasized. It seems you know who  you are and are secure in your core identity as female. Even if you were to quit hrt and try to go back to being male I'm sorry to say your marriage will fail. Remember the dysphoria never goes away, it only gets worse with time, and you will eventually resent your wife for causing your unhappiness. Many marriages do make it through transition. There are plenty of examples of it here on Susan's. It is in my opinion that if someone loves you unconditionally, they wouldn't be able to stand by and watch you be miserable to satisfy their own needs, or ego, or pride. Instead they'd want you to be happy no matter what it took for you to be happy. While this is just my .02, based on what you've wrote here hun, your detransitioning would be a bad idea.

So I feel would be "ending your marriage." I would leave that up to your wife if it's truly what she wants.

Again, just my .02.

Best of luck to you sweetie.

Ally

Quote from: Satinjoy on May 30, 2014, 04:20:10 PM
There are some of us who have saved marriages

It depends on if the dysphoria can intersect the wifes comfort zone and yours too

There is also reduced HRT

There may be non binary solutions

There are some sacrifices that are acceptable

All of these are unique situations

It becomes a question of where the compromises intersect and if it works for both you and your wife.

It did happen for me, and there are others.  But only you know your wifes comfort zones and if yours can be compatible.

So sorry dear.  But I wont write off a marrage unless every option has been looked at.

I am lucky to be able to live GQ.  Really lucky.

Whatever happens, you hang in there.

SJ

I think we are in similar boats and on parallel journeys.  I tried stopping hrt twice.  I couldn't live with being a binary male again.  Hrt was so beneficial that it really was drug like and I liked myself and every one liked the result when I was on hrt.  In the end I had to take the position that it was low dose hrt or there was no relationship, as the relationship with myself and my emotional health was of primary importance.

Luckily, along the way my wife and I have had an ongoing and sometimes tense but honest dialogue.  At the same time I have found that low dose hrt is enough as my identity has settled on that of GQ.  I feel authentic, I don't have to pretend to be other than I am and I am still on hrt.  I have continued to feminise my appearance but the target is androgyny or GQ.  My wife accepts me and wants our marriage to survive as do I.  This is a journey and mutual respect is important, doubts do remain but I believe in happy outcomes.

Aisla

Yes we are.

For Carrie, i false started on hormones several times for short durations, due to an error.  I decided to wait for my letter, it was a good move to do that.

There was no harm during that time, and my endo was involved.

I completely agree with Aisla.  However I also understand the binary's comments here, and it comes down again to levels of comfort and presentation.  I am able to live normally in both, or more accurately, neither world.  I cannot live without the meds.  But it may well be achievable to reduce levels for you, to find a common ground and to save what you wish.

If you goal is to live FTE, as a fully transitioned female, if that is your need, your minimum level of acceptance, then there are some hard acceptances to make, for the dysphoria then draws a line hard for a woman to handle.  And full hormones usually means impotence.  I have no male functionality.  It is acceptable in our relationship, it was replaced with sensual intimacy.

I know that pain of fear of losing, of being out of control... but for me, it was a fear proven false, and now I even have security.  My wife has come a long way too in the acceptance process, but there are some absolutes, both on her side, and on mine.  After my meltdown, and it was close, then came full acceptance of what I could and could not do, and with that has come peace, for it is a perfect intersection with my true gender identities.  Fluid, neutral, female, all of it.  Full presentational transition I keep for my eyes only.

You will need a really good gender therapist with a great understanding of marriage, and a lot of honest communication.  And a lot of prayer, direct one on one communion with Christ was key in my stuff, and all He ever said to me was "trust me" and to my wife, directly, she was told "fear not".  This is real, and I cannot hide it without betraying Him.  I won't do that.

That is what worked for me as a non binary identity.

It worked big time.

All is unique.  Look for the common ground, and then you will need to be extremely honest with her and yourself about what you find.  Don't let fear or dysphoria distort what you know to be true deep in your heart and your spirit.

That was my experience with this.  Transition and marriage is one of the toughest roads we must walk when we are born trans.

Will be praying for you.

I let off HRT unwillingly last year around this time. My mother had found that i had been taking HRT on my own, and tossed all of my 3 months' worth of it. So as that happened, and coupled with my mom's intolerance, i cried. the second night, i felt my breast growth stop and cried for hours before i fell asleep.  i kept my boyfriend up till 4 AM sobbing on the phone with him almost every other night.  and then i finally snapped and ran away from home 2 weeks into it, even knowing that my mom was also emotionally unstable and had clinical depression among a host of other health problems.  the brash testosterone-fueled version of my body was taking over, and i really had no way to fight it. I felt helpless for a long time, until i found my way to a prescription-writing doctor and a letter. Now i'm back to being optimistic and i hardly ever feel the dark alone-ness that used to envelop me all the time.