Susan's Place Transgender Resources

seems i cant live without my sleeping pills. the numbing and paralyzing affects, though time is still frozen, my mind it put at ease since it just takes away all my thoughts, my feelings and just send me into a different world.  time keeps freezing for me no matter what i do  :'( i seriously get very panicky if my pills run out and i dont have my script to get more. i dont know what to do anymore, i hate feeling like this  :'(  what should i do about this. my insomnia would just worsen without them but..idk anymore

Sleeping pills are addictive. It sounds like you need help getting off of them. Have you talked to your therapist about it?

Quote from: LordKAT on May 23, 2014, 07:19:20 PM
Sleeping pills are addictive. It sounds like you need help getting off of them. Have you talked to your therapist about it?

no i havent. i'm to scared to talk about it, because i'm scared i might be taken off them.

That sounds more like addiction. I think you should talk to him about it. There are probably people who have gone through it before that can help you. Your therapist can likely put you in touch with them.

Quote from: LordKAT on May 23, 2014, 07:41:15 PM
That sounds more like addiction. I think you should talk to him about it. There are probably people who have gone through it before that can help you. Your therapist can likely put you in touch with them.

i've been taking it for years though and never developed dependency until about a year ago. idk, i'm just really scared. i take one and it just drops me, i take two, i cant move for the entire day, i take three........well imma not say anymore. it doesnt cause highness but its the type once i take, no matter how strong i am, it will put me down in 5 minutes.  :'( i'm even more scared if it would affect my hormone therapy. i just see how bad it gets. if it gets worse, i'll tip my therapist at the hospital off

taking them for years! how do you know you still need them. find out how long it stays in your system for. Let it get out of your system, and try go a week without them if you cant do this id say you have deffinatly become reliant on them. even if you end up pulling a few all nighters try go without them. I dont sleep "normaly" and often end up pulling all nighters to make apointments. If your paying for them its a huge exspance that might be better suited on other things.

please take to your therapist about this concern. and hugs

i guess as of now, its a dangerous time for me. imma try and get someone to watch over me this week or at least try and hide my pill bottles

Yes.

i just feel so...dead. i guess its the fact that i have body dysphoria now and i'm in level 2 stage 1 body masculinization if that makes any sense. in a sense, glad purberty went into reverse order for me but still, its driving me up a wall

Quote from: Brianna Umiko Liliana on May 23, 2014, 07:49:02 PM
i just see how bad it gets. if it gets worse, i'll tip my therapist at the hospital off

Doesn't sound like it could get much worse sweetie. If they damage your liver HRT could be stopped or become non effective. You really need to tell your Endo. He needs to know before authorizing HRT for your health :)

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on May 23, 2014, 08:42:07 PM
Doesn't sound like it could get much worse sweetie. If they damage your liver HRT could be stopped or become non effective. You really need to tell your Endo. He needs to know before authorizing HRT for your health :)

she already knows about my sleeping pill issue. i had a liver test dont and it was clean. my endo's schedule is full until the 30 of june. i have to go through my pcp to get to my endo and even that isnt guaranteed to get me in early. so becuz of this, i thought sleeping this entire week, that would back fire since my mom would call the police and have me put in the emergency room and finding out i was just sleeping,  i thought about going to the hospital and having them put me on a 72 hour watch but that wouldnt help at all. i'll just see what i can do to distract me.

I really feel for you, Brianna and can relate on some level.  While I don't use prescription strength sleeping meds, I have some terrible habits.  Every night I take 4 advil pms, 15 mg of melatonin (and there are other things like Valerian root in the pills) and sometimes I'll use a spoonful or two of Kava if it's a really bad night.  Even though it helps me go to sleep and it's the only thing that does, it's horrible to require pills for such a basic function and it's a lot of harm on my body.  So I really know how much it sucks to be dependent on sleep medication and felt for you while reading this post.

May I ask, what bothers when you try to go to sleep.  Is it anxiety?  If so, maybe getting treatment for the anxiety will help you with your sleep issues and get you off the medications.  And is there something about the night time that causes triggers or unpleasant thoughts?  Addressing those things may help you feel more comfortable, relax and safe.  Even though the physical aspects of addiction (like withdrawls and stuff) are horrible, the worst part is being emotionally tied down to it for whatever reason. It's what keeps the cycle and dependency going on long term.  Find the trigger or triggers and it will likely help you fight back against the addiction.  While I can't say what will work for you, that is what helped me in the past with my dependency issues for different things, so maybe that will help. 

Also, it sounds like you really may need some external assistance with your addiction as well.  Please reach out to your pcp and explain the situation.  Usually they are able to squeeze people in for emergencies or sick visits.  And if your doctor can't see you, do they have a Nurse Practitioner or Physician Assistant working under them that could see you.  Please don't hold off on this if you feel it's getting worse or you are unable to help yourself at the moment.  Even if getting over an addiction requires inner strength, some drugs require you to be tappered off in order to prevent withdrawals and potentially dangerous side effects.  I'm not sure about prescription strength sleeping pills, but I'm pretty sure it should be quit on a gradual level.  There is no shame in getting help for it. 

In any case, I wish you well and hope you will make it out of this very soon.  Please hang in there and sorry for being a slight hypocrite but I hate seeing people struggle with this stuff.

Needing something in order to sustain is not a good thing. I don't know what kind of pills you are on but if I have insomia, I use straight diphehydromine which is no more than bendril. Nonaddictive and puts me out like a light. There are plenty of other sleep aids out the, over the counter and by script. Maybe talk to your doctor about prescribinb somethin that isn't adddictive.

Quote from: learningtolive on May 24, 2014, 11:36:59 AM
I really feel for you, Brianna and can relate on some level.  While I don't use prescription strength sleeping meds, I have some terrible habits.  Every night I take 4 advil pms, 15 mg of melatonin (and there are other things like Valerian root in the pills) and sometimes I'll use a spoonful or two of Kava if it's a really bad night.  Even though it helps me go to sleep and it's the only thing that does, it's horrible to require pills for such a basic function and it's a lot of harm on my body.  So I really know how much it sucks to be dependent on sleep medication and felt for you while reading this post.

May I ask, what bothers when you try to go to sleep.  Is it anxiety?  If so, maybe getting treatment for the anxiety will help you with your sleep issues and get you off the medications.  And is there something about the night time that causes triggers or unpleasant thoughts?  Addressing those things may help you feel more comfortable, relax and safe.  Even though the physical aspects of addiction (like withdrawls and stuff) are horrible, the worst part is being emotionally tied down to it for whatever reason. It's what keeps the cycle and dependency going on long term.  Find the trigger or triggers and it will likely help you fight back against the addiction.  While I can't say what will work for you, that is what helped me in the past with my dependency issues for different things, so maybe that will help. 

Also, it sounds like you really may need some external assistance with your addiction as well.  Please reach out to your pcp and explain the situation.  Usually they are able to squeeze people in for emergencies or sick visits.  And if your doctor can't see you, do they have a Nurse Practitioner or Physician Assistant working under them that could see you.  Please don't hold off on this if you feel it's getting worse or you are unable to help yourself at the moment.  Even if getting over an addiction requires inner strength, some drugs require you to be tappered off in order to prevent withdrawals and potentially dangerous side effects.  I'm not sure about prescription strength sleeping pills, but I'm pretty sure it should be quit on a gradual level.  There is no shame in getting help for it. 

In any case, I wish you well and hope you will make it out of this very soon.  Please hang in there and sorry for being a slight hypocrite but I hate seeing people struggle with this stuff.

i tried street drugs before but nothing seemed to ease my mind so i went to sleeping pills and they numbed me and took away everything. its not anxiety but its the feeling that time isnt moving and becuz when i sleep time starts moving for me. i get lost in the dreamworld and i feel at peace there but when i wake up, i'm back in the same space, same body, same everything really. its only when i take my pills that i get the feeling of freedom but my body tries to fight it (fighting my pills is like trying to swim with your hands and feet bound with heavy chains). its mostly due to mental exhausting and of course my dysphoria i have been feeling for years. idk really. i'll take to my pcp when i drop my letter off tuesday.

Quote from: Jess42 on May 24, 2014, 11:53:45 AM
Needing something in order to sustain is not a good thing. I don't know what kind of pills you are on but if I have insomia, I use straight diphehydromine which is no more than bendril. Nonaddictive and puts me out like a light. There are plenty of other sleep aids out the, over the counter and by script. Maybe talk to your doctor about prescribinb somethin that isn't adddictive.

i know. i said i'd never become dependent on any type of drug but after being sent to the hospital and my terrible sleeping patterns, the doctor picked up on my mood and gave me my pills without me knowing and from than on, they became my friends. i even took one when i was still in high school, i vomited and just passed out in class because i couldnt fight it. of course the nurse got worried but i just lied, and thus the terrible cycle began.

Brianna. Some people do have an addictive personality. I don't, but see your doctor and try to find the best way to kick the addiction.

BTW, what is your body craving? The sedative effects or just going to sleep and getting relief from the dysphoria? Or is it depression that you suffer and when sleeping, that depression goes away? Before trying to kick any addiction you need to find out the reason why you are addicted in the first place.

I saw where you got your letter and congrats.

Quote from: Brianna Umiko Liliana on May 24, 2014, 12:32:06 PM
i tried street drugs before but nothing seemed to ease my mind so i went to sleeping pills and they numbed me and took away everything. its not anxiety but its the feeling that time isnt moving and becuz when i sleep time starts moving for me. i get lost in the dreamworld and i feel at peace there but when i wake up, i'm back in the same space, same body, same everything really. its only when i take my pills that i get the feeling of freedom but my body tries to fight it (fighting my pills is like trying to swim with your hands and feet bound with heavy chains). its mostly due to mental exhausting and of course my dysphoria i have been feeling for years. idk really. i'll take to my pcp when i drop my letter off tuesday. i know. i said i'd never become dependent on any type of drug but after being sent to the hospital and my terrible sleeping patterns, the doctor picked up on my mood and gave me my pills without me knowing and from than on, they became my friends. i even took one when i was still in high school, i vomited and just passed out in class because i couldnt fight it. of course the nurse got worried but i just lied, and thus the terrible cycle began.

Yeah, it sounds like you have become addicted.  Once you use drugs to cope on an emotional basis and you do this frequently, it can be a hard thing to overcome.  That's where the dependency comes in.  I too used to use certain things to cope with my feelings and get that sense of freedom.  In the long run, I found that dependency doesn't offer really offer freedom, despite the temp illusion, but rather creats a whole new set of problems.  It sounds like you have reached the same realization.  If you need the help, talking to your doctor sounds like a good idea.  While it's hard to admit this stuff and seek out help, sometimes it really can be therapeutic to have some help in this and not be alone in your struggle.   And even if it may be hard to see at this moment, it's possible to replace older unhealthy coping mechanisms with new and better/healthy ones.  I hope that happens for you very soon.

Quote from: Jess42 on May 24, 2014, 11:53:45 AM
Needing something in order to sustain is not a good thing. I don't know what kind of pills you are on but if I have insomia, I use straight diphehydromine which is no more than bendril. Nonaddictive and puts me out like a light. There are plenty of other sleep aids out the, over the counter and by script. Maybe talk to your doctor about prescribinb somethin that isn't adddictive.

That stuff works well, but can lead to different problems.  Although it's not addictive to take diphenhydramine hci or citrate, you can start to rely on medication in order to get sleep.  I hate the fact that I can't sleep without these things as I've gotten accustomed to using them.  However, it isn't addicting or habit forming like the prescription meds.   

i'm just super scared i might lose them, i know i need to find other ways to cope......imma try again and see if i can break my dependency next week. i'll let my doctor know tuesday and see what he can do. just these pills are sedative level pills so...idk anymore  :'(

Quote from: Brianna Umiko Liliana on May 24, 2014, 01:19:39 PM
i'm just super scared i might lose them, i know i need to find other ways to cope......imma try again and see if i can break my dependency next week. i'll let my doctor know tuesday and see what he can do. just these pills are sedative level pills so...idk anymore  :'(

I understand.  You're speaking with someone that used to require opiates and benzo's to get through their day.  It's possible to get passed it, but it is very hard and scary while going through it.  Seriously, there is no shame of being afriad and uncertain in the moment.  Just know that you can make it and that you won't always need to depend on them.  Believe in yourself.

Could it be becuz of tye sedative affect?  It forces me to so i dont have time to think. I'm just trying to figure it out.  :'(

Quote from: Brianna Umiko Liliana on May 24, 2014, 01:47:47 PM
Could it be becuz of tye sedative affect?  It forces me to so i dont have time to think. I'm just trying to figure it out.  :'(

I'm not sure I understand.  Are you asking why they can be addicting?  If so, the sedating effect is an aspect that could lead people to addiction.  Really, you can get emotionally addicted to anything and for different reasons, but some drugs can also be chemically addicting.  If you feel that both are occuring, it's best to ask you doctor about how you should proceed and treat this.  Just tell your doctor why you are using the meds and how you feel.  I'm not too familiar with sleeping meds, but I believe you can get both chemically and emotionally addicted to them and the sedating qualities is part of why people form habits.  But it differs with each person and I only know what you said in this particular thread, so I'm not fit to make the judgement (I'm just a person on a forum who can relate with addiction but I'm not a doctor or qualified to give serious medical advice).  All I can say is that drugs are often abused for emotional reasons that help people cope on a temp basis but can cause other problems down the road.  If you are taking them so you don't have to think or feel dysphoria it sounds like you are taking it to cope for emotional reasons.  And if you feel that you can't stop taking them, then it's likely you have formed a habit/addiction.  Again, I only know what you said here and am not fit to give medical advice, but I can tell you that taking medications for coping purposes can lead to addiction and that can potentially cause problems (I know that was the case for me and others on controlled prescriptions).  If you feel like you can't quit and it's causing you issues on both an emotional and physical level, the best thing to do is to seek help and find a way forward.  Please reach out to a medical professional if it is causing you many problems.  They are best able to help you through this.