Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've been on T for about 2 months now and currently living in a shared house with friends, none of them know about me being trans however. Problem is I'm stuck on what to do about telling them, I feel that the longer I'm on T and the more changes that appear, the more anxious I feel about them not knowing. I get crazy urges to tell them but the second I think I'm about to bring it up, I choke and I avoid the topic completely.

It's no secret that my appearance and how I dress and present myself has changed completely to last year, I have short hair now instead of long hair, I no longer wear any feminine clothes and my voice has gotten a little deeper, I wear my binder all the time and I'm pretty sure they must have noticed the disappearance of my boobs...so a part of me thinks they must have some idea already, but I can't bring myself to tell them outright, they also know I'm in a relationship with a girl but right now just think we're lesbians...

The other day something super awkward happened, I was shopping for dinner with one of my house mate and we decided to go to a shop she used to work in. At the checkout one of her old colleagues decided to come say hello to her, a little bit after the chitchat she gestured to me and asked if I was her boyfriend, I grinned like a maniac because obviously I'm happy to be seen as male but my house mate has no idea. Though instead of correcting her old colleague and saying that I was female (to her), she only said "No not my boyfriend"...whereas I was expecting her to say "No that's a girl".

I didn't really know how to react to the whole thing and instead of going with the flow I think I let slip somewhere and she just asked very loudly "Oh...are you a boy or a girl?" to which I just laughed nervously because my instinct is to say BOY at the top of my lungs, but I couldn't because my house mate was there. She promptly stepped in and said "Oh my god ruuude, girl" when she sensed I was uncomfortable, and then we tried to move on from it with the lady apologising over and over. No doubt my house mate was in an awkward position as well so maybe that's why she didn't say much.

I just don't know what to do, I'm moving away in several months so part of me thinks I should start over completely and keep it a secret from them as I won't be around soon. And part of me wants to tell them because well...they're my friends and if I could help it I'd love to still keep in touch if they don't disown me lol how would you go about telling your friends? One by one? Sit them down in a group and just serenade them with "I'm a real boy!~" ?? I want to bring the scientific side of it up too if I explain it to them, but I'm worried they'll think I haven mental issues or something. They're fine with and know about homosexuality and what not, and have gay friends, but I don't  think they're familiar enough with trans yet. It's driving me crazy.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but the fact that all your housemate said was "No, not my boyfriend" and simply took a direct question about your gender as rude, but didn't answer for you, seems to indicate they know something. And if two months in you're already having voice changes, and won't be moving for several more months, it'll get even more obvious to them something is going on.

It looks like they already know something is up, and if that's the case it may not be strictly necessary to say anything. There's two guys I interact with on a somewhat regular basis and I've never formally "come out" to them, but they know. They know my name has changed and call me by the right one, don't bat an eye when someone refers to me with male pronouns (somehow conversation has never included a need for them to pronoun me), and haven't said anything about my voice being a tad deeper every time they see me.

On the other hand things may be less awkward (for you, them, or both) if you rounded them up in a room together and said it. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. Something simple like "Hey, let's get this out of the way. You might have already noticed some things changing. I'm a transgender man and have started the process of gender transition, so just to clarify I go by male pronouns and [preferred name]. Thanks for listening." If you're comfortable fielding questions you could tell them that too, or offer to direct them to a FAQ or something if they have questions.

I think I read too much into it too lol oh our hopeful minds :P thanks for your advice, I decided to sit 2 of my friends down and tell them, took about half an hour before I could get it out lol but I did it in the end and they seem cool with it.

They asked me some questions which was nice that they wanted to know more, said that they'd stick by me and nothing has changed at all which was really nice to hear. I did ask if they had any idea something was up before now, and they said no but have never seen me as girly anyway and saw me as a tomboy so that's alright I guess ^^

God that was hard but the relief that came with it was amazing, just hope the rest of them are as supportive and accepting. Thanks for your advice :D gave me that extra nudge to just say it.

If you're transitioning right before their eyes you may want to tell them, even if informally or one by one. A lot of people will react more negatively if you just pretend nothing is happening as opposed to being upfront about it. Try your best to bring out as much confidence as you can. I mean this is who you are, regardless of what they say they can't change that so it's up to them to deal, and by the sounds of it they wont react poorly. Even if they just say "yea.. we know" at least it's out there so you can move on from it. Good luck either way!

Sounds like it's going well so far. Congratulations. :)

I have to be wishy-washy here and say you should probably approach different people differently, especially as it relates to how close they are to you. I found that people nearest to me needed more explicit acknowledgement even if I thought they were obviously aware of the changes I'd undergone and the signals I'd sent ahead of time. It was important to a lot of people to just have it spoken clearly.

People I wasn't so close to tended to be less awkward and more accepting if I just eased into who I was and didn't really say anything about it. Even the ones who didn't always get the cues usually seemed to do better with a few low-key pronoun corrections than any serious explanation of my identity.

Best of luck.

Thanks guys :) it did go well and I'm hoping it'll continue that way. I've only told the girls I live with so far, the other 2 are guys while they are friends, I've not known one of them for very long and the other one used to fancy me so that will be really awkward, even though I never lead him on and was very clear that I wasn't interested in anything at all, it's still weird/scary to be like "Oh hey, I'm a guy..." lol so I worry he'll resent me for it or something. He is generally a nice dude though and pretty mature so I think he'll probably be ok with it eventually, thanks for the tips and support :) I will most likely tell the guys separately a bit further down the line after I get to hang out with them more and drop a few hints I think, want to test the water and see how they take on small info.

It's cool it's going well. One of the things I'm learning is everything doesn't need to be figured out at once. I hope you keep us updated and keep getting support.