Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Just wanted to give an update on my transition. So far, things are really weird. I'm 7+ months into HRT, but I had a lil set-back for about 3 of those months. Bicalutamide wasn't working for me, and I developed a lot of anxiety and stress as my T-levels came back up. Luckily I'm back on Spiro and I'm feeling a lot more 'normal' already. Still, I've been progressing, and it has been a crazy strange experience.

I look in the mirror these days and I hardly know who I am anymore. It's a bit like dysphoria in a way, but different. I'm still trying to figure out who I am as a person, and resolve that with the person I see in the mirror. Breast development has also been odd to watch, as they've gradually rounded out more and are definitely female breasts instead of something more ambiguous or guy-like. My nipples are a lot darker, puffier, more sensitive, and the soreness comes and goes. They are definitely solid A-cup breasts though, and they are certainly there! I sometimes find myself just grabbing them, holding them, or manipulating them somehow, trying to get used to them being there. Looking down and seeing my shirt stretching across between them or seeing my cleavage in the mirror when I bend over the sink are sights that are hard to get used to. Some of you are probably like 'what is this crazy girl ranting about?'. I guess maybe I just had a hard time believing they'd actually grow, but there they are!

Another thing that's difficult to adjust to is passing and being full-time, which started about 3 months ago. Back in January I'd go out and just started to get a few ma'ams. February was like, half ma'ams half sirs. But definitely by March when I went on my week-long vacation, I was passing consistently. But now I've reached this weird point of acclimatization where I can compare how things are now to then, and recognize how I no longer worry about some things. I used to be self-conscious about shopping for women's clothing. I had to bring my mom with me for a lil while. Now I take my time and look around, by myself, no problems. I tried not to talk to people in public, and now I can manage a (barely) passable voice that seems to just happen out of necessity, and it works. I even get complimented on my clothes or footwear by other women. Women's restrooms? No problem! Never had an issue, and I've even taken my time in there fixing my hair and doing my makeup. I also used to be paranoid about going out without makeup on, or not 'dressing up' enough, but most of my wardrobe consists of women's clothing now and I pass without makeup, so I actually feel comfortable enough going out of the house with little preparation. I think about this stuff often and keep shaking my head, just baffled at it all.

Then there's men... I get quite a lot of attention now! And even more baffling than all that other stuff is how guys find me attractive. A lot of them are straight too, with little to no desire for what's down below. As a result, I'm actually sexually active for what feels like the first time in my life. And quite so! xD But that comes with it's own weirdness, and things to acclimate to. Being with men really makes me realize just how much I was never a man myself, and how far I've come along. There have been times where I wondered just how feminine I was, or if my mind and personality has developed along with my body. I've wondered if I could really adapt to being female or if I was merely playing a role. I see now that I am female, and that's that. I have some 'typical male interests', but when it comes down to it, I think, walk, talk, feel, look, and experience things as a woman and there's no ambiguity there anymore. In fact, last week I was out with my dad. We were walking into a store and we stopped to talk to a guy he knows. The guy looked me up and down asking my dad something like 'who's this lovely young woman?' and my dad introduced me as his daughter. I smiled and said 'hi' and after a moment walked into the store just grinning to myself and suppressing laughter. Just another surreal but great moment to add to the list, and further confirmation of how people see me.

Overall, I'd say my transition has been very successful so far, but oddly enough I feel like being transsexual is very much secondary to just being female now. I didn't used to feel that way. I still don't think I would go stealth, but... things are just happening now. And I'm just living my life as a woman. It no longer seems to be about transitioning, or me becoming a transsexual. I'm just me, and I'm beginning to feel like just another woman instead of a unicorn or something. Now my struggles are with how I handle myself as a woman, and who I'm becoming as a female individual. Things like misogyny and casual sexism are now very important issues to me and affect me personally. I keep flip-flopping between hating men and wanting to become a radical feminist, to finding men veeery appealing, and simply shrugging off sexist remarks or being called 'babe/baby, sweetie, etc.' by guys I don't know or hardly know. Plus, interacting with, flirting with, and having casual sex with men all while trying to maintain my wits, my sex appeal, femininity, dignity, and sense of self is a whole new mind-bending experience. It's 'men vs. women' now. Dealing with conformity, and stereotypes, and just... so many things now that I could ramble on about. It's hard to keep myself balanced.

A couple weeks ago, I shaved and epilated all over, plucked my eyebrows, showered, did my hair, etc. etc. Put on some lipstick, put together an outfit consisting of a bra, lace panties, my black jeggings, a thin loose top, and ankle boots with 4-inch heels. I threw my purse together and got picked up by this guy who's about 8 years older and may or may not be married.. >_> We parked somewhere and err.. 'did some stuff'. Later he dropped me off at the mall where I cleaned myself up a bit in the restroom, did some clothes shopping, and grabbed a coffee. I walked to the other end of the mall to where the comfy chairs were, noticing a few guys checking me out on the way. Finally, I plopped down and exhaled, just staring blankly ahead sipping on my coffee. I kept thinking about how different my life is now, and how just a few years back I was a 'guy'. Thought about how I never ever expected my days to go anything like that. And how I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone, waiting for Rod Serling to tap me on the shoulder. Maybe I sound dramatic about all this, but I'm just frequently hit with all these little differences in my life that have built up to this overwhelmingly surreal view of everything. There are times I feel like I'm watching a movie of someone else's life. And that's when I wonder who I am anymore. I know now that I'm a sister, and a daughter. I suppose that's a start, but I'm still trying to figure out the rest...   

I don't know if I will ever be into guys-mode (I'm def hetero now), but likely will change to lesbian-mode.. but who knows... the rest of your story gives me hope and promise.  My dad is gone, lost him a lil over a yr ago, so unless my mom decides to accept me (she hasn't), anything with my family, is not going to happen.  But I really felt your message, thank you sis.

Be very careful with strange men. And never trust one whose eyebrows meet in the middle.

Quote from: Isabelle on May 26, 2014, 11:05:12 AM
Be very careful with strange men. And never trust one whose eyebrows meet in the middle.

good advice and congratulations on rebirth

I'm in my 8th month of HRT, and 11th month full time, so I recognize much of where you are now in life :) For me it's starting to feel like I'm no longer in transition, or that I ever was. Now I'm just me, and I love this freedom :)
I've realized recently that I've become everyone's little sister. If I mention clothes or hair on facebook, I get 10 people giving me suggestions. And my step nieces practically treat me as their fourth sister :)

But the most surreal thing was when my endo said "I see you're almost done with RLE. Time to apply for surgery soon?" I had no idea what she meant. RLE is a year, and I've only been full time for... Oh... 11 months. How did that happen? ÔÔ

It's so great to hear a success story.

Good luck on the rest of your journey <3

Quote from: Isabelle on May 26, 2014, 11:05:12 AM
Be very careful with strange men. And never trust one whose eyebrows meet in the middle.

xD Good points! I am trying to be very careful though, I really am. So far all the guys that I've met have been pretty nice, so I guess I'm lucky. But I am getting pretty good at spotting the shady characters. I think I have a healthy paranoia too. Like, last month I wanted to go to a 7-Eleven but it was around midnight. Used to be no problem but now all I can think is the worst, lol. It's only a few blocks away, maybe a 10 min. walk. But I didn't take any chances aside from actually going there. I had a pen-knife on me, and I dressed like a guy and had a hood up. Tried walking like I did in high school, pretending to be a guy. xD Made myself look big and tough! So much as I could anyway.. But jeez, it was more effort trying to be like a guy again! Obviously I made it back fine but it was kinda nerve-wracking..

Haha, and another thing that still worries me about going out... children! For a lil while I kept watching their reactions as they'd look at me, because kids are a good indicator if you pass or not. If you don't, they'll probably let you know! But none of them looked twice... until recently. A couple times now, I've seen lil kids point at me as I went by and get their parent's attention. Each time I tensed up expecting to be clocked, but nope! One girl was like 'Mom, look!' *I tense up side-glancing and see her point.* 'Look at her shoes!' I was wearing my high-heeled ankle boots, lol. They get some positive attention. :) And then today, this lil boy was sitting in the cart as I was grocery shopping, and was watching me. He tugged on his mom's shirt and again a 'Mom, look!' and he pointed at me. I tried ignoring it, going about my business. His mom turned and glanced at me, but luckily I don't stand out so she turned and 'uh huh'd' him. He just kinda smiled and watched me until I left. Guess he thought I was pretty or something. o_O So that's really something I'm trying to get over, is expecting the worst, but getting genuine flattery instead. I'm getting better but it's hard to let go of the skepticism and take compliments at face value. :\

Quote from: Ashey on May 26, 2014, 02:55:51 PM
xD Good points! I am trying to be very careful though, I really am. So far all the guys that I've met have been pretty nice, so I guess I'm lucky. But I am getting pretty good at spotting the shady characters. I think I have a healthy paranoia too. Like, last month I wanted to go to a 7-Eleven but it was around midnight. Used to be no problem but now all I can think is the worst, lol. It's only a few blocks away, maybe a 10 min. walk. But I didn't take any chances aside from actually going there. I had a pen-knife on me, and I dressed like a guy and had a hood up. Tried walking like I did in high school, pretending to be a guy. xD Made myself look big and tough! So much as I could anyway.. But jeez, it was more effort trying to be like a guy again! Obviously I made it back fine but it was kinda nerve-wracking..

Haha, and another thing that still worries me about going out... children! For a lil while I kept watching their reactions as they'd look at me, because kids are a good indicator if you pass or not. If you don't, they'll probably let you know! But none of them looked twice... until recently. A couple times now, I've seen lil kids point at me as I went by and get their parent's attention. Each time I tensed up expecting to be clocked, but nope! One girl was like 'Mom, look!' *I tense up side-glancing and see her point.* 'Look at her shoes!' I was wearing my high-heeled ankle boots, lol. They get some positive attention. :) And then today, this lil boy was sitting in the cart as I was grocery shopping, and was watching me. He tugged on his mom's shirt and again a 'Mom, look!' and he pointed at me. I tried ignoring it, going about my business. His mom turned and glanced at me, but luckily I don't stand out so she turned and 'uh huh'd' him. He just kinda smiled and watched me until I left. Guess he thought I was pretty or something. o_O So that's really something I'm trying to get over, is expecting the worst, but getting genuine flattery instead. I'm getting better but it's hard to let go of the skepticism and take compliments at face value. :\

yea, those little kids can be nerve racking . I've been pretty lucky so far with kids completely ignoring me except  a couple of times I've been stared at, but I really don't know whether it was being clocked or from being stunning . I hope for the later.