Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Is it normal to completely and suddenly dissociate from your transgender feelings all at once?

I had a wonderful weekend, which should have been the lead-up to a wonderful birthday. Instead, at the end of three lovely days of bonding and intimacy, on Sunday night, my wife had a rage episode. It wasn't that an argument got heated or anything like that; she simply went from calm to violently raging within seconds. She actually struck me numerous times, as well as opened up an account on a legal website in order to requisition some divorce papers. She raged and swore and attacked. She declared our relationship over, wished me dead, and said she hoped I would lose everything in my life.

These rage episodes aren't anything new, but they have never been as violent as this. When she calmed down the following day, she went through a period of depression, then repentance. She has now done some research and believes herself to have something called explosive rage disorder. She intends to speak to her therapist about this and seek treatment and medication so that her outbursts no longer erode at our relationship.

Anyway, after the worst birthday of my life, I feel different. I am just so over this whole transgender thing. I look in the mirror today and I don't even see a trace of a girl there, just a sullen and tired looking man. The gender specialist's office called back and left a voicemail, but I deleted it. I really don't intend to call them back. I bought a bunch of makeup less than a week ago, but I chucked it all in the waistbin, along with the shoulderbag I was keeping it all in. A couple of weeks ago I took some pictures in makeup, but just looking at them right now makes me sick to my stomach.

I really am feeling no connection at all right now to Tegan, and I'm quite frankly tired of thinking about all of this. Is this normal? Do transgender people ever feel such complete dissociation from their transgender feelings? Or does this mean I was probably just wrong about the whole transgender thing?

I'm very curious and I'm sorry if I assume anything but your wife's out bursts vividly remind me of myself back in 2007/2008. They came out of no where, were explosive, violent and literally almost tore my marriage apart. It was like I was seeing red. I barely had recollection of what I was doing until the damage was already done.

I found the cause to be my birth control I was on. I didn't know I was bipolar and the bc i was taking at the time was actually advised not to be given to persons with BPD. I weened my self off, sought therapy and haven't had an episode since.

I don't know anything of whether your wife is even remotely in a similar situation but it's something to look into if there might be things like that going on. I wish you luck mam. I know rifts like this cause massive back drafts across the whole relationship and to each other individually. But don't give up. Just take it step by step and help her as you as help yourself as well.
Best wishes.

Sorry about your birthday and you wife having an rage episode directed at you on your special day.  :icon_birthday:
:icon_hug: to make you feel better and my crowbar to get me off you because I don't let go.

Dissociation from my transgender feelings mmm maybe

Quote from: Sincerely Tegan on May 28, 2014, 04:02:02 PM
I look in the mirror today and I don't even see a trace of a girl there, just a sullen and tired looking man.

Many a times times AND ESPECIALLY when I was feeling at my lowest, or when I had to accept that transitioning was not possible.  I was sad (understand and not surprised) to hear that you threw out your makeup and shoulder bag because l have found in my experience these feelings can be buried but don't stay buried.  One day hopefully soon you will look in the mirror and see Tegan looking back at you.  For I know personally that even if we can make ourselves blind to her. She has a way of making herself seen and very visible to those around us

You should call the gender specialist office back, then decide what to do. Hope you feel better soon.

Hi, I'am very sorry to hear about all of that, I have had feelings like this, that sometimes last for days. I have no idea what sets them off but I think as Immortal Gypsy said, it stems from depression. You may have thoughts about being transgender again. During these little depression bumps I don't care about my appearance, barely do anything outside of work, and lack a desire to look feminine. Sometimes to alleviate this, I just get girled up again and viola, stupidly happy again. :)

So yes, at least in my case I think it is normal to loose those feelings time to time. The thing is the feeling never leaves me for good, it always shows up again, it may for you but for now If I could offer any advice, don't force yourself into doing anything, just go with whats comfortable for now.

Hi Tegan,

I can't speak to complete and total disassociation such as you're describing, but I can tell you that episodes of "purging" feminine clothing, makeup, etc. is very common during the years that a MTF trans person is coming to terms with her trans nature.  I was 100% "out" to my first wife from the moment that we began dating, and for the  most part she was accepting.  Still, during the 7 year course of our marriage, there were times when stress in our marriage caused me to reject my feminine nature, discard all female clothing and makeup, grow a beard, and swear off all things girly for life.  It's just part of the process of making peace with who we are for many of us, especially those of us who become husbands and make a real attempt to assume the role of men in a man's world.

Be gentle with yourself.  If you feel that you need to disassociate from Tegan for now (or even forever), just be kind to yourself and go with what your gut is telling you.  And most importantly, be especially gentle with yourself if (when) Tegan resurfaces begging for some attention.  The story of your life is far from over.  There are a lot of twists and a lot of turns ahead.  But for now, you are exactly where you need to be, doing exactly what you need to be doing. 

I hope this helps in some small way.

Peace,
Miharu

It sounds like contacting the therapist might be a good idea though. Even if you have decided not to continue transitioning for the moment, it might be something they see a lot and can help guide you through.

I apologise for this sounding so... obvious, but I can't help wondering if there's a connection between how you're feeling and what happened with your wife. Whether part of you, maybe deep down, feels that it's those transgender feelings which are somehow to blame for what happened, that somehow you feel responsible for how your wife behaved, and after the events you describe, your mind has put a defence mechanism in place to stop you being hurt again. Even though it wasn't your fault what happened. As a result of which, your mind is trying to suppress everything, to stop you feeling, so that the same thing won't happen again.

I don't know, but I do know that we sometimes block out things based on a perceived self preservation need. I've done it myself, albeit with different feelings. Sometimes there's residual guilt, whether warranted or not, and a feeling that "If I wasn't like this, none of it would have happened." However far fetched and clutching at straws it ends up being. I guess maybe partly because it comes from a deeper belief of "If I wasn't like this, I would be happy. If I didn't have to deal with this, everyone else would be happy, too." And the mind goes into mental "Get you home" mode, as it were. Senses anguish, trauma, or a threat to your safety, and tries to isolate and repress the cause - be they emotions, memories, or whatever else.

I can't say for sure that's what you're going through, nor would I want to, but it was the first thing which struck me when reading your post. And something to think about maybe.

*extra big hug* Regardless, I'm really sorry you had such a horrid time, sweetie, and I hope things pick up for you really soon. :)

hhhhm if this is true then I can only say congrats...
its a pain in the ass to go through transition anyways...

Sorry that happened on your birthday, but maybe you could re-celebrate it when you both are a little happier!? It's a good excuse for more cake and presents anyway. :)

I would say it could of course some kind of psychological issue with whatever type of diagnosis causing her to act like this for no reason, or it could be that perhaps she's genuinely angry or confused about something.

For example I knew a woman who's husband had gone through some pretty traumatic experiences in one of the wars, and it left him almost randomly bursting out in what she called, "berserk like rages" even though their life was completely fine.

Also, I talked with someone who had been in an online relationship with someone who she thought to be a man, but was actually a woman. They somehow worked things out and developed an in person relationship together, but I remember her telling me about feelings of anger, resentment and confusion because she was torn between if she was truly loving her, or loving what she wanted/thought she was.

I'm not saying either is true with you or your wife, just pointing out two options that may to some degree or another relate to you two. Honesty and openness is always the best policy. If both of you are comfortable talking about it ask her why she thinks she felt like acting that way and talk to her about what you've been feeling.

As far as questioning your feelings about wanting to transition or not I would say to try to search your feelings honestly and try to discover who you are! In my opinion I think many people get overwhelmed and then doubtful about themselves and their feelings because of how much/what you have to do to transition and how difficult it may be to get there.

Tegan,

First, I just want to give you a big hug. I'm sorry you had such a terrible birthday *hugs*
It sounds like she's aware that such behavior isn't normal to her and that she's trying to get help. I think it could easily be something like what Hex described causing the issue and then any little thing could just set her off. Hopefully with the help of some professionals she can find out what's going on.


As for your dilemma, I would recommend you still keep in touch with your therapist over this as these feelings don't just vanish. They are qualified to help you out with this especially when things are confusing or you find yourself questioning everything.


I'm certainly not a therapist, but if I were to take a stab at things I'd first want to take a closer look at a few of the things you said that raised some potential flags with me. You spoke of just seeing a 'tired looking man' in the mirror and being sick to your stomach when looking at the pics of you in makeup. Correct me if I'm wrong but that does not sound like someone who has disassociated from their transgender feelings. Rather it sounds like someone who is being overwhelmed by feelings of hopelessness in their situation, disgusted by how they look when they try to present female, and just plain tired and done with trying to be someone they don't think they'll ever be able to be.

These low points are common for all of us. Compound that with what you've gone through with your wife, that your marriage with the one you love may be falling apart. Are you sure you are not just boxing Tegan up emotionally and putting her back in storage? I mean look at it. Are you looking at the life crumbling around you and wondering "Why am I doing this? This is hurting those I love and it's all just hopeless anyway... I'll never be the woman I want to be so why try? Why try and destroy everything important to me?"

You had a pretty huge trigger on your birthday that brought you to a very low point. Would it be any surprise if all these self doubts crept in at that point? And then, with everything you've been going through combined, it all just pushed you to the point where you are now?

You say you are disassociated from your transgender feelings, what then do you feel now? It may be you are compartmentalizing your feelings, which is understandable as it is a coping technique that many of us have used to survive living a life that has just been too painful to bear. We'd purge things and try to shelve who we are so that we can function in life and keep those around us happy. But how long does that last until the feelings you've buried away come bursting forth again, each time with even more force than before?

Just take a step back objectively for a moment and look at it. Is this what you've been going through? And if so, do you really want to go back into that cycle of self denial?

You have control over where your life is headed. What kind of future do you want? What are the pros and cons for each of the decisions you are or could be making right now? What are the best and worst possible outcomes and what can you live with? How are you going to keep yourself motivated through the hard times? These are all answers you will have to find by looking inward. I really recommend that you talk it all over with your therapist/counselor though.

My heart goes out to you Tegan. I really wish you the best and that you will find the direction and answers you need.

Also, I've seen your pictures with makeup and they are nothing to get sick over looking at. You are beautiful and should you choose to pursue that path I see you turning out to be a lovely woman.

-Alaia

First off: I'm really sorry about all that.

Now, is it normal to dissociate from your transgender feelings? I can only speak from personal experience, but I'd reply with a resounding 'no'. I have never, as far back as I can remember, identified as male. That's not to suggest I think it isn't *possible* to dissociate, but I certainly can't imagine it happening.

Maybe you're a very fem-leaning genderqueer type? Genderfluid? Maybe you still identify with Tegan and this is just one of those low points? Who knows. I consider myself lucky; falling very hard on the female end of the spectrum eliminates for me a lot of the tricky questions that those with more fluid identities face.

Those feelings? I'd put money on they'll be back.

As mentioned above, "purging" is a common thing for people to do as we work through coming to accept we're trans. That said given what you described, it makes sense to me at least that your priorities have shifted for the moment given the stressor of the fight. However when things settle, from all I've seen and experienced in myself and by watching others, the trans part of you will sooner or later tap you on the shoulder and say, "Hey. We need to talk."

Tabling how you're going to deal with being trans in your life, that's totally perfectly fine and doesn't make you any less of a woman. But if tabling goes to denial, that's where trouble lies.

Good luck though this difficult time.

Yes its often the case.

I Think when people say they have had on and off relation ship in terms of being trans, this is what they mean.

And some times evens can trigger increased dysphoria and decrease it too.
I Think you primary concern atm is your wifes anger issue, probably because this is more making a much more negative mood in you than dysphoria.

And how can any body prioratise a bad of make up over their well bieng. which as far as your well being is concerned your wifes mood is more desastrouse to it at the moment.

But yes i wasted sooooo much money on things i threw away. Its normal :)

Tegan

I think that your experience is not that unusual.  However how you understand and react to this is important.   This a critical time and it is a good time to work through this issue with your gender therapist.

Everyone has their own narrative, their own history, their own relationships, their own fears, dreams, circumstance etc. Sudden and dramatic changes need understanding.  In my case I stopped hrt, tried to convince myself that I was out of control and tried to rethink my decision to transition.  But when I retreated and reversed direction the dysphoria increased and I paused, restarted, stopped and oscillated back and forth.  This caused me and my partner significant stress.

It was only after working with my therapist that I recognised that I was in fact non binary and that a transition from m to GQ felt the right path to take.  This journey has been truly transformational and has only occurred because my therapist helped me understand that the binary lenses that I had been using were presenting only 2 alternatives ie identifying and presenting as either male or female when my identity was somewhere in between and was likely to be fluid as I grew and learned to better express myself.   Needless to say if I had not taken the time to work with my therapist and then my endo using low and varying doses of hrt I would not have found such happiness.

Tegan, I wish you well and hope that you find the path that best suits you.

Safe travels

Aisla

It is normal, Teagan. I was once in your place. Around three years ago, I came out to my wife and it resulted in a big blowout just after getting engaged to her. We spent months of arguing, time apart, and both torn to pieces. towards the end of it all, I couldn't handle it anymore. Being tired of everything, I too got rid of all my makeup, trashed all my clothes and gave up the whole idea of being free. I eventually lied to myself that it was impossible to be a woman and that I was a man. I knew who I really was and am because according to my past I have always been dysphoric, but I shoved myself away to keep my wife and a "normal" life.

I lived the man role for a month or two without any second guesses and without any dysphoric thoughts. I even told (my fiancee at the time) my wife that I was "cured" and that the thoughts were gone. The sad part is, I even lied to myself that I was a man in a mans body and believed it. Its possible that many of the posts are correct in the fact that this was a defense mechanism. Over time, the dysphoria crept back into my mind and it only took 2 months to be fully dysphoric again. I since hid it from everyone until two years later, in January, I eventually couldn't take it anymore. Now I'm on HRT and working towards, what I would consider, a partial transition. My wife was at least kind enough to allow me to do everything but go full time. That is all I can ask of her.

Teagan, know that were all here for you. If need to, message me and I will be happy to divulge more details about my past situation if it helps you in any way.

First off I am sorry to hear about what happened. Second off, your wife needs help and yeah it could be because you are transgender, could just be she has chemical imbalances or just prone to have some type of bipolar disorder and instead of depression it manifests itself into rage. Be careful, it could be dangerous since you mentioned the violence. Whether male or female, no one has the right to hit you.

About the feelings and "purging". You may feel guilt over your being trans threw her into a fit of rage. But that may not be the total and only reason. Again, one minute calm and the next with a violent attitude, ther may be more going on than the trans issue.

Like Misato said, expect those feelings to return. When I was younger, no matter how manly masculine, not afraid to die, billy bada$$ I tried to be, the little girl always came back, but never really went away and usually came back a stronger woman than before. So really don't expect those feelings to just fade. If they do, great. But everytime for me they were stronger. I don't purge anymore, you just get two for the price of one. ;)

I tried for a long time trying to be done with it .I realized it was just who I was.

I've had this happen before--it's always been following a fight where trans is the topic.  I've found in my case that's it's come from being trans and being in a relationship with someone who doesn't accept it, as well as being a relationship 'fixer'.  by that I mean I want to fix every problem, whatever the cost.  for the longest time I'd get some sort of happiness out of making sure my partner was happy regardless of how it affected me.  The amount of guilt I'd feel over being perceived as the problem was powerful enough at times to completely wipe away any dysphoria or trans feeling for a short amount of time, which at some small level felt like a fix, though it was only a band-aid. 

I hope everything gets better soon for you and your wife, it sounds like it's been tough

Quote from: shelby513 on May 29, 2014, 12:18:57 PM
I've had this happen before--it's always been following a fight where trans is the topic.  I've found in my case that's it's come from being trans and being in a relationship with someone who doesn't accept it, as well as being a relationship 'fixer'.  by that I mean I want to fix every problem, whatever the cost.  for the longest time I'd get some sort of happiness out of making sure my partner was happy regardless of how it affected me.  The amount of guilt I'd feel over being perceived as the problem was powerful enough at times to completely wipe away any dysphoria or trans feeling for a short amount of time, which at some small level felt like a fix, though it was only a band-aid. 

I hope everything gets better soon for you and your wife, it sounds like it's been tough

This is also my experience. I got to a point once where I wasn't feeling trans and I was  going to show up for therapy dressed as a guy and tell my therapist I was done with the charade. The cause? Fighting with my wife and feeling horrible guilt for what I was doing to our marriage. That decision only lasted for a short period of time however. I later talked to my therapist about this and she explained that my feelings were normal and were a result of what happened between me and my wife.

I know this back and forth is incredibly hard on you Teagan, and I know that what is going in between you and your wife is absolutely heartbreaking. I would strongly suggest that you visit your therapist and talk about what has happened; don't ignore this. Chances are that your feelings will return shortly.

~Eva

Just because your wife doesn't like something, make it's acceptable to a escalate into domestic violence against you? I would have been lawyering up yesterday. As for repentance, my rear. My ex actually filed the divorce against me as an at-fault and tried to take everything. After documenting all the lies, the judge came to approve a fair dissolution in time.
I had a few periods during which didn't have profound dysphoria. I would point out it was sixteen years between when I determined I could be TS and transition.

Whenever I had those situations where fighting over trans got to be too much, I would wish I could bury it and make it go away. But it never lasted for long. I honestly believed I would "grow out" of my trans feelings. It sucks. Sorry to hear about your situation. You know, you have to decided if you're happier with keeping it buried or if you wish to transition. I think most people will tell you that it will never go away, but perhaps it's manageable for different people in different ways.

Hi all,

Thank you everyone for your support. It has been a really rough week, but things are getting better. I suppose that it was both the timing and severity of this episode that really got into my head. I'm already starting to feel like myself again, and have found Tegan again. She was hiding under a mountain of depression, and I'm still digging her out. Still, I nearly signed Teg at the end of a work email today, so that probably says something.

My wife really did not mean to hurt me, and she is incredibly serious about preventing this from happening again. She scared herself; I know this. She is seeing therapists and is working towards getting both the medication and coping mechanisms that she needs. That's all I can ask of her right now, besides the apology that she has already given. She even wants to try the whole birthday thing again, so we'll probably give round two a go fairly soon. And yes, she is still the love of my life.

Also, my wife has informed me that she rescued my makeup bag from the trash, so there is that.

So, yes, I will call the gender specialist on Monday and set up an appointment. I'm not even sure if disassociation is the right word for what I felt. It's not like I suddenly felt manly or something. I just felt sadness, despair, and anger above all else. It was just a lot to process, and I lost all aspects of my identity to that despair and negative thinking.

Long story short, Tegan is alive and well, and will continue her journey of self-discovery, wherever it ultimately leads. I appreciate all of you, and the support and kind words that you have given. It is so invaluable to have a place where I know I can speak about these things and be understood. I always come here when I need a little perspective.

Thank you, brothers and sisters. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Sincerely,
Tegan

Quote from: Sincerely Tegan on May 31, 2014, 12:23:28 AM
Also, my wife has informed me that she rescued my makeup bag from the trash, so there is that.

AWWWWW  bless her

I cant tell you how happy I am she did that. Im glad she didn't let you throw yourself away. Its the little things that make life great, and this is such a little thing that make me feel so great.

Ok I'm being lazy and didn't want to cut and paste every little thing

Quote from: Sincerely Tegan on May 31, 2014, 12:23:28 AM
I'm already starting to feel like myself again, and have found Tegan again. She was hiding under a mountain of depression, and I'm still digging her out.

She even wants to try the whole birthday thing again, so we'll probably give round two a go fairly soon.
So, yes, I will call the gender specialist on Monday and set up an appointment.

Long story short, Tegan is alive and well, and will continue her journey of self-discovery, wherever it ultimately leads.Sincerely,
Tegan

Good girl :). Glad to see you are feeling calmer and things are looking up. We will always be here when needed 
Be naughty have a larger slice of birthday cake this time on birthday version 2.0 >:-)

congrats

Glad you're feeling better. :)

Happy Birthday Tegan.

I'm glad that things are working out, however shaky they seem. You and your wife seem like incredibly brave people.

Good Luck Tegan and I hope the 2nd Bday attempt goes more smoothly. :)

First off Tegan, happy birthday.

As I have been intrigued with how you are getting along, I am going to shoot straight from the hip on this one because I truly care about you. This comes from my experience and not just saying this to bum you out. Once physical violence is in a relationship starts the chances of it getting better is usually not good. In essence it is a cycle. First the outbreaks and then the remorse. (I'll never do it again moments) Then the make up period. Fact is she most like will repeat this cycle and it will only get worse as this cycles repeats itself. I have been there myself... You want so bad to believe she won't do it again it hurts. Bottom line is there is no room in a relationship for physical violence and unless she receives serious psychiatric help it will happen again...

I am saying this because I care about you Tegan. Bottom line is you have enough on your plate with your dysphoria. It truly breaks my heart to know you have to endure this kind of behavior from someone you obviously care deeply for. Ultimately the dissension need to be yours, but you really need to think about this. You are and always will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Veronica