Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've been thinking of this for a while, and need to be careful, but let us explore something.

You all know I'm a natal male but female. OK been there done that.

I'm me I'm FT, I'm accepted and don't give a damn about anyone who has an issue with me. To be honest after the initial fears it was pretty easy.
Getting HRT was a routine, did it, getting surgery the same - booked.

Living every day life - get use to being a woman. Basically learn women for Dummies 101, every girl, natal or not does.

So on reflection, what are the worries?
Why are they worries?

As you all know I'm Australian where men are men and women are women. So it isn't as if I'm living a sheltered life.

So as someone who, to be honest doesn't identify as trans anything anymore, tell me what are the problems?

I don't mean fears, but ye, state them, but problems, and maybe say what country you are in so we can see if issues are isolated or not. And maybe age grouping, under 18 just say under 18.

I'd like to isolate self doubt problems from societal problems and also perceived problems from actual problems.

Thoughts?

Oh and though I have a female perspective I would like guys to join in as well.

My only issue is the woman I love more than anything else. Coming out to every other living person, doing what's necessary. None of that scares me. Trying to find a way through this maze that can keep us together and me sane? That's a concern.

So family, and in particular partner?

The almighty dollar, or rather lack of them. Maybe it is more of affordable medical. Same difference I guess.

But how does money count for feelings? OK I can see the surgery bit, but the rest? OK  a man may need top to pass but otherwise?

Quote from: Cindy on May 31, 2014, 10:56:50 AM
natal or not does.

So as someone who doesn't identify as trans anything anymore, tell me what are the problems?

I do not even consider myself natal male (never did) because I have always been driven and identified by my brain identity: female.

I have not had FSS, SRS, or voice surgery, I may or may not have any of them, all depends on workload and finances but the lack of any surgery is no -and will not- be cause of unhappiness or dysphonia at all

After legally changing all my papers and after 3 years plus being full time (2 years in HRT) I no longer think about the passing/no passing, I am out to every one and I am just another professional women.... trans nothing...thank you!

Ah, but like you my dear colleague I am also assaulted by a constant undefinable nagging on my head. I cannot define what it is save to perhaps as a lingering anxiety for having had to endure so many decades of pretending to be somebody else... It is like the PTSD left by war an other traumas

We all have been severely traumatized by a society that has denied us the most basic of human rights: that of having and expressing your own identity... So, it is not surprising that nothing can ever really fill the void...no amount of surgeries, acceptance, psychotherapy, the nag will remain until we died

The best we can do is contain and mange those feelings, self reassurance and the love of our immediate kin helps a lot.

Love to all,

Dr. Peky

The main issue as I see it, the only real problem I've faced is self acceptance.  It keeps coming up in my life.  I try to externalize it by constantly looking to others to define who I am, but doing that leads to a persona that even though I'm accepted, I certainly dont belong.  I've found far more joy in life since starting transition, but its hard, I feel unmoored and adrift in a sea with no destination, I've never had the chance to truly live as  the person I unconsciously am, so I dont know what that will look like in the end. The only thing I know is I like this person more than person I pretended to be, and friends have noticed.  I think once you gain sight of something stable, and you have an idea of who you are, everything else is purely logistics.  Not always easy, not always safe, but at least a definite procedure of how to achieve it. 

I can think of two issues that I have: one internal and one external.

Internal:  We can't let go of the past.  My non-trans example:  When I was born, my other left me with my grandparents.  My father remarried a woman who had children and she did not know what to do with this strange boy thing.  MY father hated me, my step mother was weak and I had developmental difficulties.  Then came abuse.  I've had 28 major fractures and 11 major surgeries on bones.  FFS was very complicated because of the at least 14 facial fractures that I don't include in that 28 number above. If I hold on to that, I will go crazy.  I think everyone can agree with that.  Everyone knows that.  I'd be a bitter, angry, unpleasant broken human thing.  I had to let go, to realize that if anything good was to come from this life, I had to be ready, not dwelling on the past.  Being transgender is similar:  If I sit around and morn over what was lost because of malformed genitals, life is over.  I have not forgotten the past but it is mostly irrelevant on how I live today.  I enjoy today and look forward to tomorrow.

External: The poor understanding or even hatred by others.  My transgender example:  I have come out to so many people and have had so many positive responses, it's unbelievable. Only my older lesbian step sister was negative.  Unfortunately, I didn't realize how much. To keep me from transitioning, she started to call my wife (who was mostly OK) with horror stories of trans people and horror stories of living as a lesbian couple.  My sister thought that if my wife threatened to leave, I would not transition.  She does not understand that the choice for me is transition or die.  As strong as I am, I cannot fight the dysphoria that has grown so terrible these past two years. So, my wife is missing from my life as of May 29.  My partner, my lover and my best friend now only answers when I call her and is so very cold.  I do not know how to fight hatred and that is what my sister had.  I am not looking for condolances with this post.  I only point out hatred exists.

Jen

Quote from: Cindy on May 31, 2014, 11:10:10 AM
But how does money count for feelings? OK I can see the surgery bit, but the rest? OK  a man may need top to pass but otherwise?

It's not even the passing so much as getting rid of that horrible waking moment when you realize that all is not as it should be. Top surgery would be nice, it is the bottom that greatly disturbs me. More than anything else, that is one area that I would love to have at least kind of close to what my brain says it has. That weird dissonance is so very.....disturbing, alienating, horrible. Hard to describe but it is what so needs to change. The rest is just irritating in comparison.

I know my feelings aren't true for all, but for me it is.

Yes, I would like to see hormones and other areas covered under insurance and what not, it definitely feels good when I can be seen and not invisible. The whispers and barbs hurt, those can be dealt with by education and time. My body can't. It is just a never ending hell.

Sorry for the long rant.

I fear this will negatively impact me if taken out of context.  I would ask that people read the entire post before passing judgment. 

There are opportunities in the US to do better and to make more money.  Education (I have) helps, working two jobs (as I have) helps.  Moving and leaving loved ones behind for the better job (as I have) helps.   But, I did these things by burring who I was and being rather miserable.  I state this because people will accuse us of being lazy and I don't think that is true.  I think there is a missing piece.

So while I agree that healthcare is a concern, there are ways to make more money to even things up a bit.  But I do not know how a person could do the two jobs or get the degree while battling dysphoria.  It isn't lazy, it isn't lack of will, it is the constant pain that limits.  The problem is the availability of health care at the right time.

Jen

I've been fulltime for 8 years, still live in the same house, still know most of the same people. While many do "humor" me, I know a lot don't think of me as a regular woman. And there are probably some that don't know I'm trans, especially most of the ones that have asked me out.  But forget dating, any guy that dates me will be labeled gay no matter what he identifies as, so I avoid that whole issue by just not dating and turning down everyone that asks. Its the mentality of a very small town with equally small surrounding towns. I can't really go anywhere in the county at this point without someone hollering "Hey, Jaime!"  lol   I think me laying low outside of work and living quietly helps a bit, keeps anyone from having anything to gossip about.

I will say for the most part, things are good. People respect me and trust me, so there's that.

My issues:
1. The mental health community, the very people who are supposed to help me, have been the very people who have put obstacles in my way. Including:
* A psychiatrist who was openly derisive about my claim that I'm trans, who misgendered me in person and in his report, and whose report was far more concerned about the well-being of everyone else than of mine.
* A therapist who told me she was experienced with trans clients, but turned out to know almost nothing.
* A psychologist who refused to write me a referral letter when I asked him to, after seeing him solely for that purpose.
2. My union, whose job it is to represent me in talks with my employer, could hardly be LESS supportive when I was coming out.
3. DATING, DATING, DATING. As Gina said in her conversation with Rush Limbaugh, whatever someone's orientation is, it's almost always NOT a trans person they're looking for?

Is this the sort of thing you're looking for.

I guess to put it simply, societal judgement would be my issue.  It can come in many forms and hurt in many different ways (family issues, romantic limitations, social barriers, potential career barriers, people judging you, etc).  However, I would say that my fears of judgement have been much less scary than the reality, at least so far.  That's an encouraging thing for me as I continue to make progress in my transition.  As for my demographic, I'm a 25 year old female from New York.   

being in the closet about it but finding it hard to cope in my home

living with a family I am really sure wont support me

the fear this will ruin my chances of finding love

fearing what effects hormones may or may not have on me if I even get to that stage (doctors gatekeeping me until Im on top of my depression and its messing me up)

fearing if i tel anyone i will instantly be unappealing.

I think one big problem for me is I am stuck in this want to have a biological child, concieved naturally, with a girl. This presents problems, because I cant even feel my own organs I need to do this, I cant get any arousal while I feel this way and it sucks

7 months into I transition, 4 months on HRT and the hardest thing for me is this in between limbo state. 

I have to keep working or I'm financially ruined, but to some extent I have to keep myself hidden so there's no where to relax.

When I do go out as myself I get stared at, and there are times especially lately when I can't let that run off by back and again there's no place to relax.

I feel like I'm in an in between state (that's what transition means! Lol), and I'm finding this very hard.

Quote from: JLT1 on May 31, 2014, 02:40:02 PM
I fear this will negatively impact me if taken out of context.  I would ask that people read the entire post before passing judgment. 

There are opportunities in the US to do better and to make more money.  Education (I have) helps, working two jobs (as I have) helps.  Moving and leaving loved ones behind for the better job (as I have) helps.   But, I did these things by burring who I was and being rather miserable.  I state this because people will accuse us of being lazy and I don't think that is true.  I think there is a missing piece.

So while I agree that healthcare is a concern, there are ways to make more money to even things up a bit.  But I do not know how a person could do the two jobs or get the degree while battling dysphoria.  It isn't lazy, it isn't lack of will, it is the constant pain that limits.  The problem is the availability of health care at the right time.

Jen

Education, great! Again costs money, more money than I could ever get in grants and loans. I know, I've tried.

Work 2 jobs, I worked more than that, 80 to 90 hours a week. Now my health won't let me.

Moving, I would love to, takes more of the almighty dollar that I don't have, you know, cause medical bills take it before I can get it.

Lets see, $350 * 12 + 6350  = 10550 + copays per year + whatever isn't covered like $65k just for phallo, another $10k (likely not covered) top surgery.  On a $22K per year income. What do I eat, where do I sleep, if I use enough to cover just health care, if I had insurance, ....

It CAN NOT be done.

I don't know if this is what you're looking for Cindy but one thing I'd like to see change in the wider population is the idea that if a cis hetro man was in a relationship with a transwoman (especially pre op) that brings into doubt his heterosexuality, likewise a cis lesbian in a relationship with a transwoman (or a trans guy) does not challenge her sexual identity. I know it shouldn't but I'm thinking of the broader social perception rather than individual ones. It's like we, as trans people, are seen as a fly in the ointment of other people's sexual orientation and identity.

Thank you everyone so far.

To explain where I am coming from: As some of you know I am extremely interested in political, medical, societal activism for trans*people, to a point where I am currently active at a national level in Australia. One thing that keeps coming out is the rather vague issues that various groups put forward and to a very real extent lateral violence among activist groups. The members of Susan's gives an opportunity to get answers on items that affect us from a large group of international trans*people. That may give me a clearer insight on the major issues, that sadly often get lost in political debate.

As suzi points out education of the medical community is sadly lacking in many areas, and to be honest getting professional to take an interest in trans*issues is a challenge. That families impact so much gives rise to the importance of training people to counsel  in family relationships.

At a practical level I am an invited speaker at a couple of international conferences both of which have no link to trans*issues but I have been asked to talk about such issues to the members, so I want to make sure that I am tackling the practical issues we face.

I fear losing my wife, daughter and job. Having the three in my life had given me strength the past year and a half. If there is choice I know the answer and I fear their loss.

I told my wife about physical abuse from my father and the beatings and sexual abuse from my brother. I had to get it out. She never consoled me when I broke down and told her. I felt so dirty and I felt she must think I am gorse.  I think she must have been thinking ewe, gross.  Now she knows why I dwell on when others called me homo and ->-bleeped-<-, including my brother. ( My Father was abused as a child and my Father abused my brother too)

I am slowly changing my look, long hair and now wear skinny jeans :). I sometimes wear an sheer UA shirt without a sports bra. I get looks and comments, nothing bad yet but I stand my ground and have had some comments. As time passes, no matter what cloths I wear, people will see a female body. I can not wait but at the same time I fear being called names and marginalized especially by those who have known me for a long time.

My sister and I talk 4 or more times a week. She and her family are not liberal minded and when I come out to her I think the phone calls and 2 times a year visits will end and the feelings run deep with her. She protected me when I was young and the loss will be huge.

Still I continue to swim up the steam like a salmon. I fear arriving at my destination alone.   

Understanding medical people would help a great deal. I've had some bad hospital experiences. One involved refusing to answer a call light for any reason. What a mess when the doc finally came in.

My problem is I could care less about other people and what people think of me. How they see me I could care less. I am me.  I may sound concieted I know, but no one has to live my life but me. I divorced a wife of a lot of years because she couldn't accept me. I could care less. I found a girl that does which I care way more for that does accept me, either or 'cause she herself is trans but stealth. So now I am free to be who I want to be and whoever that is, I an free to define who I am. Not someone else. If I go HRT and or go SRS, she says she is fine with that. Whether or not, I will have to see. Regardless though, my life is mine for me to live how I want to live it and whoever don't like it.... Well. You can figure out the rest. There's really no issues here other than what I want to do.

It is all up to me to decide which way to go. I have had no problems finding boyfriends or girlfriends, but I never ever limit my options either.

Being validated or invalidated by exterior subjective perspective? (Being told by another what it is like to be you, even if you disagree)
wow big WORDS.

I Faced this less than an hour ago, my sister asked me if i thought a guy was good looking? I said I couldn't possibly tell you. How did she react? With "eeeh? you must have an idea of what a good looking guy is?" I said "no not really" So she was all like I though you liked guys? I said I do. She pretty much said, there must be something about how men look that I find attractive and if there wasn't then I'm not really attracted to guys.

I know I find women much better looking then guys and I know I find men sexually attractive, but I don't find their looks attractive. My sister went on to say that this isn't possible, I explained yes I can find men un attractive to look at, but I don't think the absence of unattractiveness counts as "GOOD looking," Seriously looks don't do anything for me as far as my sexual attraction to men is. (looks can put me off but not turn me on)

She couldn't take my actual feelings as my actual feelings, discredited them, called them false and impossible. This threw me for a loop, I mean If this cis woman was telling me what it is like to be a woman, then it must be true so I must be wrong since I don't feel that way. It really, really got to me, I started doubting myself, doubting my own femininity because of it. My thoughts went crazy I was expecting to be screaming for help on here when I got home.

But I didn't, oh my god I love the internet, I went to G named search engine of all places, I typed "what do you call a person that doesn't find visual appearance sexually attractive." I didn't find what I was looking for, I hoped for a miracle, then I saw it, an article titled "Do Men's Looks Matter When It Comes To Attracting Women?" I read this and while I was reading I saw that it pretty much says looks can help you get a date, but without confidence and arousing the woman, looks wont do a thing. That is exactly what I feel like, confident men make me feel secure, and flirtatious behaviours turn me on.

I was mildly angry at my sister then for having unintentionally sent me into a pit of self doubt. At this time I realised I was also irritated slightly by some annoying hairs around my ear. I let my mind come away from my anger and focused on the annoying hairs. I took my earing out thinking they were just trapped and quickly became surprised, perplexed and more then a little amused. Have any of you tried to thread a sewing needle? do you think it you could do it by accident? It would have to be a miracle right? Imagine how I felt discovering, I had achieved a feat of this magnitude, I had unbelievably and unknowingly threaded a single hair through my piercing. It wasn't quite what I was expecting but I got the miracle I was hoping for.

So yes,
Being validated or invalidated by exterior subjective perspective? (Being Told What You Feel, That You Must, And If You Don't Your Wrong)
This is the worst thing I face, it leads me to so much self doubt.

Hi Cindy,

Long time since I've posted, but I felt inspired to answer your question.

If only it were possible to say: 'I'm transgender, so what?', but society doesn't allow that - that's the issue for me.

I'm middle aged from the UK. I've been through the gender counseling. Seen the psychiatrists. I found them all helpful. Counseling, particularly, I found helpful in enabling me to see my own thoughts more clearly. I have a 'gender dysphoria' diagnosis and they basically told me they would have no problem helping me transition if that was what I wanted to do.

However, I feel 'transition', in the sense understood today, is not the way forward for me, at this time. My view is - I am just me. Yes, most people would understand me to be 'trans', but I kind of don't really think of myself as 'trans' as such. I am just myself, I prefer not to put myself in any boxes.

I choose not to modify my body. Aside from being 'trans' and 'gender dysphoric' I am quite anti medical intervention (for any issue) if I can possibly avoid it.

My objective is to be as whole of a person as I can manage - to integrate and accept the 'male' and 'female' aspects of myself and say, this is just who I am. This is, however, really difficult in current society.

Legally and socially the only accepted options are 'male' or 'female', with rigid stereotypes for each. There is only legal protection in the UK for 'gender reassignment'. For someone like me there is nothing. I don't want a third category. I just want to be allowed to be myself.

That's not to say it's all bad. There are people who are accepting and I have friends who I am open with and I have fun.

It's not easy though. If 'trans' people like me ever have rights, it will realistically now probably not be until I am either in a retirement home with my zimmer frame, or already old and dead.

Just have to keep on keeping on though and having as much fun as possible. Who knows, maybe things will be better for future generations!

(I guess you could summarise the issue as 'societal rejection')

Hi Cindy
Transitioning at work has been the only major issue for me, contributing very directly to the loss of two jobs. To be fair, in both cases, the parting of ways has been perfectly dignified and there is a strong probability that I will continue to work for my actual employer as an external consultant (if I can handle it myself...) but that hasn't made it any less painful. This is especially true in my present position where absolutely nothing, other than the fact that a few of my colleagues couldn't handle the idea of having a trans woman on the company's senior management team, justifies the premature termination of my mission.

However, since I was on a fixed term contract, I had no serious protection and while I could have gone to court, I felt it was better to take whatever positives I could from the situation and move on.

Happily, I can still see a reasonable professional future quite simply because I have the benefit of an excellent education and experience in a broad range of industries and functions. I will no doubt be going back to consulting as a senior partner and shareholder in a firm I have been talking with over recent weeks where I do seem to be well accepted, all the more so as I am now unambiguously perceived as a woman by those who meet me for the first time.

Looking back, I think the biggest issue was the act of transitioning itself ie. going from presenting as a guy to presenting as a woman on the job, especially in a highly visible position. I believe my boss was sincere in his support for this but he seriously underestimated other people's reactions and didn't react to the warning lights when they started blinking.

Looking ahead, I think trans women here (in France) are in much the same position as coloured people were in the 1960's and 1970's. To be accepted in the senior level's of a business you have to be significantly better than anyone else and be capable of handling lot of passive/aggressive behaviour from the people around you.

That being said, since I am finishing quite strongly in my job (motivated by personal pride), I am hoping that it might be that much easier for the next person who finds themselves in my position. At minimum, a large group of people will have seen over the last year that there is more to trans women than some of the rather negative stereotypes they previously had in mind.

On this front, I'm very much in line with the Time article about Laverne Cox. Coming out on the job is the only really "activist" thing I have ever done but I'm quite convinced that it is this form of activism more than any other that will help society evolve towards greater acceptance. The more people who actually directly know real live trans men and women and perceive them as pretty normal and effective human beings, the better.
Hope that's helpful to you!
Donna

Hi Cindy,

Probably of little value to you but here goes!

I worry about becoming dependant on the medical community - something I really fear (think alzheimers).

I worry about transitioning in place and the extent to which I will need to take my work colleagues through the whole education/activism thing.  This trans stuff just seems to be so far off most people's radar.  My employer only employs about 2500 people and is only now embracing age and gender as diversity issues.  LGBTI stuff is included under "Individuality" and isn't talked about.  I am tired just thinking about it!  By the way, we did a diversity survey at work.  800 people responded with 22 willing to state they identify as LGBTI.  I always thought how disengaging it must be for those 22 (or rather, the other 21).

My final biggy is that while I have family around (wife and kids only), I am so damn lonely. I actually do not have anyone to come out to (not counting siblings etc who I may have some contact with once or twice a year and rarely in person!) who isn't in some way connected to my work.  This is a solitary journey in my experience.  While I am getting used to having to deal with things totally on my own (currently planning FFS somewhere well outside Australia which will of course be undertaken alone), it is taking its toll. Just a sense of not belonging, I suppose.

Sydney based issues:-
1.  Number of specialists in the field are relatively few.  Almost all the Sydney girls see the one endo, and it's almost turned into an E cafe.  If I wasn't such a social recluse, I would have probably said hello to a couple of the Sydney girls I've bumped into in the waiting room.
2.  Services seem to be scattered.
3.  Support groups are limited - it's pretty much the gender centre and that's it.
4.  Legally things are looking up in Australia.

My personal issues:-
1.  Work in a conservative area location wise, and in a conservative field - I would have to restart my career over.  (On the other hand, it's allowed me more leeway with my treatment than would otherwise be possible)
2.  Also related, I have signficant financial debt as well.
3.  Family issues - conservative family values and personal vows.
4.  I was born overseas and wouldn't have the first clue about a) whether or not it's possible to have my birth cert changed and b) how to go about it.

On the flip side, having had therapy, electro, and low dose HRT, I'm mostly content.
Hope this helps with whatever research you're doing.  PM me if you want more details.

1. Degree in conservative field and a small number of people in it.
2. Knowing the things that were said before starting transitioning by many of my peers.
3. People taking behind my back literally. (I wear hearing aids, but if your only 5 or less ft from me I can hear)
4. People treating me as a she or an it.
5. Coming out on FB (too impersonal for family far away and all at once is nerve racking for a shy person).
6. Making new friends is hard. I don't know if my current group will keep in touch after college and they aren't going to accept me or they are having a tough time getting there.

Living in Canada I think the following are my biggest concerns:

1. Legal status not 100% clear, hopefully bill C-279 will be passed to remove all ambiguity as to legal status and equality.
2. Long wait lists for SRS, public healthcare covers the surgery but there is a 2-3 year wait list just to get an appointment.

Other than that, no real issues so far.

Another one that concerns my wife as well as me involves uncertainty of our marriage.  We were born and were married in NZ.  If I were to change by birth certificate to F in NZ (easy to do), what status does our marriage have in Australia where same-sex marriages are not recognised?  Legal advice suggests that it is the status of the parties at the time they were married that counts but that has raised eyebrows when I have mentioned it.  At the moment, we do not want to be forced to divorce and my strategy is to do as little as possible to get F on a few documents.  Australian marriage laws suck!