Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm lost, and not completely sure what I'm looking for. I guess help, of some sort, or anyone that I can relate to.

You can call me LorisA, or just Loris, or you can call me Jude. I'm a 20 year old (just turned yesterday, actually) Canadian female, but sometimes I feel more male.
Jude was born back when I was a preteen. He came after years of consistent preference of writing male characters over female. Not that I didn't like writing females, it's just that the more masculine characters just seemed easier to write. I have long since grown out of that and write a wide variety of characters. I am off-topic, though. Jude was created on a chat website where I masqueraded as a male. Twice I had told people close to me on the website that I was female and they stopped talking to me. Some of them told me their disgust, some of them felt betrayed and lied to. I don't blame them.
I had gone through a lot of drama with this part of me. Every time I seemed to tell someone a little about Jude they didn't seem... comfortable. The only two people that I've really felt comfortable talking to Jude about was my now boyfriend of five years. It was sometime before I mustered enough courage to talk to him about it though. This was after a weekend at this youth LGBT conference that I went to for my high school GSA. I found out more about being transgendered and trying to come to terms with it. Transgendered is quite the umbrella term, though, and I don't know how to find people who relate to me.
I not only created this character, Jude, to harbour my feelings of wanting to be a male, but I also have me, LorisA, who is very comfortable as female. I'm able to act as Jude around my boyfriend, and he's comfortable with it, especially considering that he is bi-gendered and very comfortable as such. However, when I act as Jude he is disgusted with the body that he is in and he wants to be able to look more male. Me, though, I'm perfectly comfortable with my genitalia and the works. This really lowers both of our self-esteems, though.
Tonight, after acting a Jude for sometime, I just broke down to my boyfriend. I told him how ashamed and disgusted I was with myself. I told him that I was confused that I didn't know what to do. I don't want to change my body at all, but part of me doesn't want to be in this body.
I don't know the answers. I don't have a solution. I don't even have a term for what I am to try and find people who feel like I do. I don't even know if I'm posting in the right place.
When it comes to me family, it's only my oldest brother who knows. We agreed that my parents wouldn't understand, so I didn't tell them. When I expressed interest to my mother to get a binder for my chest, she was very confused and I backed out and just said that I thought my breasts were a nuisance sometimes.
My friend make me happy and understand. One of them exclaimed to me one day that I wasn't male or female, that I was just my own gender. I loved it, it made me feel accepted, but it feels to me more like sometimes I feel female, sometimes male, and at rare times, neither, and more commonly just both.

I apologized that this turned out so long. I'm just looking for someone to talk to about this. Or some sort of direction. I want answers so badly and it just seems impossible for me to find. Anything, really.

First, a big warm welcome to the family Loris! :) You can feel safe and at ease here as we do not judge anyone. Like any family there may be spats and drama every once in a while, but when someone needs help we all rally around them really well. All of us understand you so you are by no far means alone anymore. We will help and be there for whatever you need and no question is silly or dumb, OK? We have a really good group of FtMs and gender fluids here and in no time you will feel right at home. Here is a BIG HUG  :icon_hug: to welcome you and make you feel at ease.

A first step many of us here took was to get a Therapist with gender experience. They can help guide your journey of self discovery and assist if transition is your goal.

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welcome dear :)

I know its hard...
what you described sounds a bit like the definition of genderfluid...
and since you cant really change bodies whenever you want things can get hard as I said

you need to be strong and  proud and  everything will work out eventually...

Thank you for the warm welcomes! I've calmed down a little already with such quite and kind responses, as well as reading through some of the other forum topics.

I wouldn't even know how to go about getting a therapist, not to mention that if it were the cost money, I probably wouldn't have enough for it.
Thank you for the links as well, they were helpful!

Genderfluid sounds about right. I'd heard the term before, but either forgot it, or didn't fully understand it. I hope that everything will work itself out. It's just that everything that leads up to it is rather painful.

[This forum is making me do simple equations to post and the amount of time it takes me to figure them out is rather embarrassing.]

First of all, welcome to Susan's. Keep on searching and you will find where you feel comfortable.

:)

Hey Loris Jude, g'day, eh?
Word: therapist. Helped me a whole lot. In some parts of the country, that's covered by your health insurance, especially if you can get a referral from your family doctor.
Now, about here... kick off your shoes, feel at home. We are here to help.