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so, i may not want SRS, but idk what kind of impact that would have on me. my doctors and mother keep against me if i want the surgery, i dont mind my bottom bits so i keep saying most likely no though i have tried to castrate myself multiple times becuz i didnt like it there and i wanted it gone so badly that i do anything just for it to disappear. if i do get it, it wont be until i'm like 26-28. well opting not to getting it have a serious imapct on my life?

That, Grasshopper, is only a question you can answer. 

You do not need to make that call for a very long time though.  You have as long as you need to do so.   Many years on AAs can have adverse effects on your vital organs, and at that point a simple orchiectomy will solve that problem.  If you decide to detransition completely or partially at that point, you can still take T supplements and backtrack. 

its just confusing. i keep getting asking the same question over and over again. i guess they want to put it in my transition plans. i will never change over my clothes, staying with my gender neutral clothes, i'm not getting BA, and if i get FFS, it would be extremely shallow. my voice doesnt really need surgery since it just started changing so if i stop that, i can get it androgynous. i just want to give it a clear answer becuz my doctors and therapist are going to keep asking until they feel im sure about it.

Quote from: Grim Reaper Brianna Terryal on June 03, 2014, 08:20:55 PM
its just confusing. i keep getting asking the same question over and over again. i guess they want to put it in my transition plans. i will never change over my clothes, staying with my gender neutral clothes, i'm not getting BA, and if i get FFS, it would be extremely shallow. my voice doesnt really need surgery since it just started changing so if i stop that, i can get it androgynous. i just want to give it a clear answer becuz my doctors and therapist are going to keep asking until they feel im sure about it.

Trying to shove SRS down your throat at this point in your journey is both irresponsible and dangerous.  You don't know how far this goes until you start feeling it out.   

SRS? It's not on my list of things to do..

As to the impact? Health-wise, nothing so far.. And I can't see any issues developing. Although I would like an orchi at some point, more for making things a little neater and tidier than any other reason. Where it does have an impact is my sex life. As a lesbian, I do find that there are women who are not interested in me due to my non-op status, but on the flip side, I've also found women who have no issue with it.

Quote from: Jill F on June 03, 2014, 08:26:30 PM
Trying to shove SRS down your throat at this point in your journey is both irresponsible and dangerous.  You don't know how far this goes until you start feeling it out.   

not that they are forcing down my throat, its just they are concerned becuz of what i tried in my past and not to long ago this year. idk, guess its becuz some days i dont care that it there and other days i want it gone so badly. i know i have time but this is directly affecting when i will go full term sooner or later. i'm just torn. i take it as its better to plan ahead so you can truly think about it rather than later

Quote from: Grim Reaper Brianna Terryal on June 03, 2014, 08:38:40 PM
not that they are forcing down my throat, its just they are concerned becuz of what i tried in my past and not to long ago this year. idk, guess its becuz some days i dont care that it there and other days i want it gone so badly. i know i have time but this is directly affecting when i will go full term sooner or later. i'm just torn. i take it as its better to plan ahead so you can truly think about it rather than later

this is really something only you can answer. I've fantasized about just cutting for a long time but I'd much prefer something functional

Quote from: Grim Reaper Brianna Terryal on June 03, 2014, 08:38:40 PM
not that they are forcing down my throat, its just they are concerned becuz of what i tried in my past and not to long ago this year. idk, guess its becuz some days i dont care that it there and other days i want it gone so badly. i know i have time but this is directly affecting when i will go full term sooner or later. i'm just torn. i take it as its better to plan ahead so you can truly think about it rather than later

This might sound like strange advice, but I think perhaps it would be the most expedient. Tell the doctors and such you do want it, since that will likely make them take you more seriously, and let you gain a bit more control in the situation. Now, you can even save or whatever, and just plan it for far in the future and if when it is closer to the date that you set, you feel you don't want SRS then just cancel, take the money you saved and buy yourself a nice holiday. You never have to go thru with anything you don't want to, and you have the right to change your mind on whatever you want.

Of course, if you are on a socialized medical care system, that might not be wise as I don't know the ramifications of just changing your mind there.

Quote from: Hikari on June 03, 2014, 09:00:17 PM
This might sound like strange advice, but I think perhaps it would be the most expedient. Tell the doctors and such you do want it, since that will likely make them take you more seriously, and let you gain a bit more control in the situation. Now, you can even save or whatever, and just plan it for far in the future and if when it is closer to the date that you set, you feel you don't want SRS then just cancel, take the money you saved and buy yourself a nice holiday. You never have to go thru with anything you don't want to, and you have the right to change your mind on whatever you want.

Of course, if you are on a socialized medical care system, that might not be wise as I don't know the ramifications of just changing your mind there.

i thought about the whole saving part. i just want to be sure. i'm like an open book of confusion. i want to go through with the surgery and become complete, but at the same time, i dont want to let go of my male side completely seeing how its literally keeping me alive. of course i'm going to start HRT but that dangling thing down there will be the only thing that will remind me of my survival. its driving me crazy and its starting to set off my dysphoria. idk, i just need answers  :(

Honest answer. Yes I want nay need HRT, SRS I'm not sure about at this moment. Time is a river and we just drift among the current called life.  Yes you tried to castrate yourself when you where younger but that was then this is now. Explain to them you need more time to think about that decision and you may never know (it is a very big and important one to take) only you will know if want to and when. As long as they are just trying to see if you have a mental road map in place you should be fine. If there trying to get you to commit to a decision here and now run for the hills girl as fast as you can and find someone else to help you

I have a similar problem because my BF is always asking if I ever tried to cut it off lol and he wants me too hehe he's pretty adamant about it and ya know wants me to get a vag and all. But I actually want SRS so I think it's cute. He's so cute (actually he's super hot at like 6'2 and 175). He might weight less but he's all muscle.

In all seriousness, if you don't want SRS, don't get it. You're prolly 10 years younger than me if you're 20, so I hope there's no adverse health effects. But I go the Mazzoni Center and they said it's all good, cause I aksed em as I want have the funds for SRS for another couple years. Unless something changes. I wish I could have it right now.

Quote from: immortal gypsy on June 03, 2014, 09:36:26 PM
Honest answer. Yes I want nay need HRT, SRS I'm not sure about at this moment. Time is a river and we just drift among the current called life.  Yes you tried to castrate yourself when you where younger but that was then this is now. Explain to them you need more time to think about that decision and you may never know (it is a very big and important one to take) only you will know if want to and when. As long as they are just trying to see if you have a mental road map in place you should be fine. If there trying to get you to commit to a decision here and now run for the hills girl as fast as you can and find someone else to help you

i try to tell them, at this moment i cant think about it becuz i'm destabilizing. they arent really taken me seriously because i'm saying i only want hrt right now and think about SRS when i decide when i want to go full time. i guess they just want that cleared in my transition file. idk, i'll see how this OBG appointment goes. i can say its taking a toll on what little sanity i have because not only are my dreams haunting me, when i told my mom those many years back i wanted surgery, she keeps downplaying HRT and go straight to "do you want surgery, and how are you paying for it?" i keep reminding her i need time before i can even qualify. all i know is that i want it but than that would mean sacrificing my male side thus i would have to learn to survive all over again. i'm just so confused and i keep asking myself but i'm not getting the answers i need. 

plus, idk if i would even qualify because i'm considered non binary though i do identify as female and choosing HRT because my body dysphoria and falling into instant tears every time i look in the mirror.

Quote from: Grim Reaper Brianna Terryal on June 03, 2014, 08:02:51 PMi dont mind my bottom bits so i keep saying most likely no though i have tried to castrate myself multiple times becuz i didnt like it there and i wanted it gone so badly that i do anything just for it to disappear.

I'm sorry if anything I say seems insensitive, but no matter how bad you want something gone, self mutilation isn't healthy at all and I'd encourage you to work with a mental health professional about that before beginning any work to do with transition. There are plenty of people who experience dysphoria about their mismatched genitalia, yet they for some reason don't feel the need to mutilate themselves? Transition and especially SRS requires healthy living. Self mutilation, much less the thought of it, have no place in health living.

Quote from: Jill F on June 03, 2014, 08:13:30 PMMany years on AAs can have adverse effects on your vital organs, and at that point a simple orchiectomy will solve that problem.

With proper medical supervision there shouldn't be any health complications . Perhaps things like energy, mood, etc., from lack of androgens, but this is for the most part false. They've been safely used for a long time for many people.

Quote from: Grim Reaper Brianna Terryal on June 03, 2014, 08:20:55 PMits just confusing. i keep getting asking the same question over and over again. i guess they want to put it in my transition plans. i will never change over my clothes, staying with my gender neutral clothes, i'm not getting BA, and if i get FFS, it would be extremely shallow. my voice doesnt really need surgery since it just started changing so if i stop that, i can get it androgynous. i just want to give it a clear answer becuz my doctors and therapist are going to keep asking until they feel im sure about it.

Mental health professionals don't ask questions for no reasons, especially repeatedly. Gathering from your posts I'd guess you're confused and don't have a solid plan or stable idea of what you want out of transition -- this is why they're asking questions.

Quote from: Hikari on June 03, 2014, 09:00:17 PMTell the doctors and such you do want it, since that will likely make them take you more seriously, and let you gain a bit more control in the situation.

OP is clearly a bit confused. Lying to mental health professionals will only get you further into trouble, but if someone thinks self mutilation isn't much of a deal then this probably wouldn't matter.

@Teeg: my therapist made sure to confirm what i wanted and soilfied my transition plan before giving me my letter. its SRS that they keep asking me about becuz of the fact my body dysphoria nearly killed me and becuz of the several attempts at self castration and an almost successful one a while ago. i just keep going back and forth on the who reassignment surgery, even though its still way to early, they need to know what i want to do before i would try something stupid again.

Not every girl wants or needs SRS. Lots of transgirls are perfectly happy with their parts as is; and also, that's normal of you to feel undecided... In fact, it's probably better that way.. Better to have time to think about it instead of desperately wanting it gone. Pre and early transition, I was hell bent on never getting SRS for 2 reasons:

1- I felt not opting for SRS would somehow make me exotic

2- the idea seemed crazy to me.

Fast forward to 2 months on hrt... And I'm beginning to consider it because the idea starts to intrigue me, but still a hesitant idea.

Fast forward to now - I'm about 80% sure I want SRS, not because I hate my genitals, but just because it would be nice to feel "correct" (IMO, that's not to say that choosing otherwise is incorrect, just the my personal opinion of correctness for my own self image, would include SRS) the only reason I'm currently 20% unsure still, is because of money, surgery risk, if I'll have the availability to go through the long recovery (job, life, etc), my wifes feelings about it are still somewhat unsure, and also just trying to get comfortable with the idea of no longer having something I've had for all of my life and using it to do the things I do now, the idea is intriguing but still gives me chills. Also; I have a phobia of surgery, so id need to get over that... While that sounds like a lot for only 20%... The other 80% of me sees my current equipment as a total detriment of my own self image, when I "hide" it and make myself look proportionately correct, it takes away my dislike for VARIOUS parts of my body, almost like magic. My dislike of my legs or stomach or waist, goes away simply by hiding that one part.

So yeah, it's up to you and only you, to make that decision, and it doesn't invalidate anything nor cause problems. Though your opinion might still change in the future as mine has.

Also; it's worth considering that castrating yourself can only further complicate your life if you DO decide to get SRS... Gotta give me something to work with ~ contrary to popular belief, they don't "cut it off" rather than "repurposing" it. You need what you got to successfully get what you need ;D say that 3 times fast.

Quote from: LittleEmily24 on June 03, 2014, 10:33:59 PM
Also; it's worth considering that castrating yourself can only further complicate your life if you DO decide to get SRS... Gotta give me something to work with ~ contrary to popular belief, they don't "cut it off" rather than "repurposing" it. You need what you got to successfully get what you need ;D say that 3 times fast.

its the biggest decision i have to make. i have to give a definitive answer because it is apart of my transitioning, so i need to decide so i can work towards it i'm ready to go on everything else but its this that is keeping me back. again, due to my history, they need to know so preventive measures can be implemented because my already feminine sense are going to go into overdrive once i get on HRT  :-\

Quote from: LittleEmily24 on June 03, 2014, 10:24:45 PMNot every girl wants or needs SRS. Lots of transgirls are perfectly happy with their parts as is; and also, that's normal of you to feel undecided...

Again sorry if anything I say seems insensitive, but I've always seen the purpose of transitioning as becoming either a man or a woman -- not a "transgirl." However people will do and be what they like and that's their choice.

Also, I don't think it's fair saying it's normal for people to feel undecided. When I could coherently understand that I was supposed to be female I never had any doubt about doing everything I could do to become a female.

Quote from: teeg on June 03, 2014, 11:13:55 PM
Again sorry if anything I say seems insensitive, but I've always seen the purpose of transitioning as becoming either a man or a woman -- not a "transgirl." However people will do and be what they like and that's their choice.

Also, I don't think it's fair saying it's normal for people to feel undecided. When I could coherently understand that I was supposed to be female I never had any doubt about doing everything I could do to become a female.

There are as many ways to be trans as there are transpeople.

Quote from: teeg on June 03, 2014, 11:13:55 PM
Again sorry if anything I say seems insensitive, but I've always seen the purpose of transitioning as becoming either a man or a woman -- not a "transgirl." However people will do and be what they like and that's their choice.

Also, I don't think it's fair saying it's normal for people to feel undecided. When I could coherently understand that I was supposed to be female I never had any doubt about doing everything I could do to become a female.

becuz of what happened growing up is also making me second thinking SRS. i dont want to give men or even other females a better opportunity to use me as a toy like many have in my past. its mostly that fear thats driving me away, thus why i say i dont want to completely give up my male side until i can learn to survive with "him" that thing down there is my reminder that i still have my "protector" close by. its hard to explain so lets just leave it at that. i may sound like a brat but really its for sake that i havent really dealt with that part of my life that would completely stop me from going all the way

Quote from: Grim Reaper Brianna Terryal on June 03, 2014, 09:20:11 PM
i want to go through with the surgery and become complete, but at the same time, i dont want to let go of my male side completely seeing how its literally keeping me alive. of course i'm going to start HRT but that dangling thing down there will be the only thing that will remind me of my survival. its driving me crazy and its starting to set off my dysphoria. idk, i just need answers  :(

Quote from: Grim Reaper Brianna Terryal on June 03, 2014, 09:44:46 PM
all i know is that i want it but than that would mean sacrificing my male side thus i would have to learn to survive all over again.

I get the male side keeping you alive and helping you survive thing.
I would say I'm genderqueer, though most of the time it's more of an academic point as there is more than enough female in there and physically I want everything to be female. So it's easier and more practical to say I ID as female rather than non-binary (or maybe fluid between NB-F?). I never really tried that much to be male, never paid attention to male social norms, etc. Just tried to reinvent being a man by being myself. Though female/feminine stuff was a line not to be crossed. While trying to be a man, I adopted an attitude of never giving up, of being able to try and try and try and just push until I could do what I was aiming for. Always look for the up side to something, etc. What I'm realising is that it's not really my 'male' side or 'male' traits, just a useful, vital part of me. Regardless of how I change my body, it will still be there. Your male side is a part of you, your mind, not what's between your legs. (not sure this paragraph says what I would like to say in a clear way, but it's 5:25 and I should really be asleep  :-\ maybe tomorrow)

Having said that, it did play a role in my name selection. I decided to honour the origin of that attitude with a name that I both love and references the inspiration. I did wonder if I was tying myself to my past, whether it was a bad choice. But I really like the part of my name in question and I really value the trait in question. It's one of the parts of me that I have always felt proud of.

Quote from: LittleEmily24 on June 03, 2014, 10:33:59 PM
Also; it's worth considering that castrating yourself can only further complicate your life if you DO decide to get SRS... Gotta give me something to work with ~ contrary to popular belief, they don't "cut it off" rather than "repurposing" it. You need what you got to successfully get what you need ;D say that 3 times fast.

I was pretty shocked when someone I know joked about that. My first response was how the hell could anyone think that. It's not like they haven't seen a vajayjay before, they know it's not just smooth skin and nothing else. My second thought was, is that all you think it takes to be a woman, a lack of male genitals? No? So again, WTF!

EDIT: Took so long writing that there were a few replies. Some of your most recent post slightly undermines what I said, so take what you will.

Quote from: teeg on June 03, 2014, 11:13:55 PM
Again sorry if anything I say seems insensitive, but I've always seen the purpose of transitioning as becoming either a man or a woman -- not a "transgirl." However people will do and be what they like and that's their choice.

Also, I don't think it's fair saying it's normal for people to feel undecided. When I could coherently understand that I was supposed to be female I never had any doubt about doing everything I could do to become a female.

I was just going on what some of the transgirls I've met online have told me... As well as my own belief that while I personally prefer to get SRS, I don't feel that iit invalidates anyone's womanhood if they decide not to get it. Not saying that you are implying that, just kinda adding to what I said initially. As for feeling undecided... Well, then I guess I'm not normal... But if I'm going on what my therapist told me when I was telling her frantically in my first session "I feel like I'm not allowed to say I'm trans because I'm unsure or disinclined to getting the surgery *tears of inferiority*"... She reassured me that lots of transgirls feel undecided at first, not everyone wants SRS straight out of the get-go. I mean isn't one of the biggest problems this community faces, the fact that society places gender SOLELY on your genitals? Why all the unnecessary pressure to get SRS as if it's the only way it validates your gender..

Idk, in my time of having been in the trans community, I came under the impression as well as agreeing ideal that genitals don't make gender, so deciding not to get SRS because you are happy with your birth-parts, or being undecided because half of you feels it's what people think you should get while the other half of you feels that you are perfectly fine just the way you are... It seems that being undecided is as normal as opting out would be. 

Btw sorry if any of this sounds argumentative or bitchy, not my intention :P just felt the need to back up what I said.

As for OP; I agree with what everyone else is saying about how pressuring SRS is irresponsible and ridiculous. Can't say I can offer much advice though

Aaaaaand also, just for the sake of my impossibly OCD grammar correction ~ I meant to say "gotta give **them** something to work with"
I know it was probably overlooked but I felt the need to correct that >_<

Quote from: Grim Reaper Brianna Terryal on June 03, 2014, 11:19:49 PMbecuz of what happened growing up is also making me second thinking SRS. i dont want to give men or even other females a better opportunity to use me as a toy like many have in my past. its mostly that fear thats driving me away, thus why i say i dont want to completely give up my male side until i can learn to survive with "him" that thing down there is my reminder that i still have my "protector" close by. its hard to explain so lets just leave it at that. i may sound like a brat but really its for sake that i havent really dealt with that part of my life that would completely stop me from going all the way

What happened to anyone growing up shouldn't effect anything to do with transitioning. If it does you're letting outside influences make you think differently than you would yourself, and again it'd be wise to seek help from a mental health professional to clear that up before continue with anything. As far as people "treating you like a toy" I can say that in the real world most of this non-op, non-binary, etc., stuff doesn't go over too well. To many people you're either a man or a woman and gaining acceptance from those in a trans-community won't help you anywhere else but here. Again, get help and get a clear mind. Trying to make decisions while you're confused will just hurt you more.

Quote from: LittleEmily24 on June 04, 2014, 07:43:20 AM
I was just going on what some of the transgirls I've met online have told me... As well as my own belief that while I personally prefer to get SRS, I don't feel that iit invalidates anyone's womanhood if they decide not to get it.

I agree that femininity and masculinity don't pertain to genitalia, gender I'd say is the same, but in many people's eyes gender is determined by sex, and if someone has a penis they're male, if they have a vagina they're female. Not many people outside of trans communities believes in non-op, non-binary stuff, even a couple gay friends of mine have told me they think it's a joke. Just trying to share a REAL point of view rather than a fantasy point of view that many here share.

I'm just saying that I think too often this attitude of, "if it feels good do it" is always promoted, but outside of LGBT communities that this can be more destructive than good. It seems this is too much of a painful realization that no one wants to address and try to help people understand so they can be a healthy member of society rather than confining themselves to a small circle of friendly people.

Quote from: teeg on June 04, 2014, 10:08:31 AM
What happened to anyone growing up shouldn't effect anything to do with transitioning. If it does you're letting outside influences make you think differently than you would yourself, and again it'd be wise to seek help from a mental health professional to clear that up before continue with anything. As far as people "treating you like a toy" I can say that in the real world most of this non-op, non-binary, etc., stuff doesn't go over too well. To many people you're either a man or a woman and gaining acceptance from those in a trans-community won't help you anywhere else but here. Again, get help and get a clear mind. Trying to make decisions while you're confused will just hurt you more.

I agree that femininity and masculinity don't pertain to genitalia, gender I'd say is the same, but in many people's eyes gender is determined by sex, and if someone has a penis they're male, if they have a vagina they're female. Not many people outside of trans communities believes in non-op, non-binary stuff, even a couple gay friends of mine have told me they think it's a joke. Just trying to share a REAL point of view rather than a fantasy point of view that many here share.

Which is why I don't use terms like non-op or non-binary outside of the trans community, heck, I rarely even make a reference to being trans.. Although my experiences don't seem to match yours in regards to acceptance of such terms. And just how does someone determine what genitals I have, unless I tell them or happen to be exposing them for some reason? And, frankly, 'a couple gay friends of mine' is hardly a representative sample.

QuoteI'm just saying that I think too often this attitude of, "if it feels good do it" is always promoted, but outside of LGBT communities that this can be more destructive than good. It seems this is too much of a painful realization that no one wants to address and try to help people understand so they can be a healthy member of society rather than confining themselves to a small circle of friendly people.

I'm not confined to a 'small circle of friendly people', I am friends with and interact regularly with a broad range of people, some of whom I know think the whole trans thing is BS, but they respect me enough to not give me any crap about it.

Here's a question.. What's the point of transition if all I'm supposed to do is move from one ill-fitting box to another that doesn't quite fit for other reasons?

i just feel like a puzzle piece in the wrong box. conform to one gender, nearly kills me, conform to the other, i still feel like i dont belong. i thought if i can just have one foot in and one foot out, i'll maybe find stable ground but yet, i dont even fit in that. guess i'm just one of those people

Quote from: teeg on June 04, 2014, 10:08:31 AM
I'm just saying that I think too often this attitude of, "if it feels good do it" is always promoted, but outside of LGBT communities that this can be more destructive than good. It seems this is too much of a painful realization that no one wants to address and try to help people understand so they can be a healthy member of society rather than confining themselves to a small circle of friendly people.

Thats the problem though. Its not about living in a fantasy world, its about bringing on an effective change by simply standing against such archaic ideals. I mean sure, we can all just embrace the (not-so-true) reality that "if i keep my penis, only the trans community will see me as an equal female." but despite its rarity, there are in fact people out there who are not ->-bleeped-<-s or who are not preferential to transwomen, that are completely unaffected by a woman's parts whether she is cis or trans or intersex etc. and for those that do have a problem, the only moment they have a problem is when they actually "see" it, without taking into consideration that "hey, I fell in love with a woman, and her having a penis doesn't change that."...

its not about trying to make ourselves feel better, its about being the change you want to see in the world... at least for me... I dont begin to pretend that everyone is going to embrace me if I don't get SRS, but I'm also not interested in the ones who would seek to force SRS on me simply because "its what makes me a REAL woman." (once again just to be clear, im not saying that this is what you're saying, but more towards the people who would come to believe such a notion)  I have plenty of friends who treat me like another woman despite my parts, and i even have guy friends (as hard as it is to believe) that have begun showing flirtatious behavior towards me, despite having known me for many previous years as male... they are fully aware that I'm transitioning, fully aware that I am pre-op, and identify as 100% straight as an arrow.. .yet now they are not above getting friendly or in some cases "overly" friendly. Its not a painful realization... nor is it a fantasy... especially judging by the fact that I've met a few straight AND gay cispeople who don't believe in the gender binary..  I'm aware that we live in a world where a large majority of people believe that to be a "real woman" or "real man" you gotta have the right genitals, but that is a world that is stuck in an archaic time, and i see it best to simply change that by way of educating those who wish to be educated, or live in the small percentage of the world that sees beyond gender and beyond black and white, and lives in the yellow,red,blue,orange, etc. I obviously can't prove anything I'm saying other than by telling you its what i've experienced...

How could we hope to make progress if we just conform to the ignorance that surrounds us? It just seems so defeatist to go about our lives thinking that supporting and attempting to integrate society or into a society of a non-binary thought process, is a "fantasy." when it really isnt anything more than just "difficult".

But again, this is my experience, I don't speak on matters based on "hopes and dreams." i've always been a realist and I don't believe in "fantasy", and in my experience, this "unrealistic" point of view has proven to be quite real for me despite the large amounts of ignorance i've faced... the small amounts of acceptance i've gained have outweighed it greatly... and been nothing but constructive for me.

Is this sort of positive integration plentiful? Hell no, I wish. But you would think that being part of even a "small" group of people who think openly, would be better than being part of a large group who thinks our existence or true identity is bull->-bleeped-<- or "a cry for attention" for various silly reasons. I mean why would you even want to be a part of that?

idk, it just seems like i have to say yes in order to progress in my transition because of the idea of becoming "whole" i say i have no current dysphoria of m bottom bits, and its "oh looks like your cured" when clearly that alone is the gun trigger that would kill me

Brianna, questions about the binary gender spectrum and where along that spectrum you fall aside, my gut tells me that if you are impulsively attempting self-mutilation from time to time, then your subconscious mind is letting you know where your heart is at on the subject of genital surgery.  Clearly, living with a penis attached to your body is not how you want live out the rest of your life, otherwise you probably would not find yourself again and again at your wits end and ready to cut yourself.  Listen to what your subconscious mind is trying to tell you, plan for surgery at some point in the future, and know that you are always free to change your mind at any time between now and that future date. 

Trust what your subconscious mind is trying to tell you.  If you can simply making the decision today to move towards surgery at some distant future date, you might just discover that the act of making a decision could bring needed relief to your conscious mind so that you can gain more clarity about what you want and why you want it.

If you don't mind me saying so.

Quote from: Grim Reaper Brianna Terryal on June 04, 2014, 11:25:11 AM
i just feel like a puzzle piece in the wrong box. conform to one gender, nearly kills me, conform to the other, i still feel like i dont belong. i thought if i can just have one foot in and one foot out, i'll maybe find stable ground but yet, i dont even fit in that. guess i'm just one of those people

You need to work this out with a Therapist before your transition any further. If you don't and go all the way to HRT and SRS I see a serious case of HRT and post op regret coming on.

Quote from: Miharu Barbie on June 04, 2014, 12:14:41 PM
Brianna, questions about the binary gender spectrum and where along that spectrum you fall aside, my gut tells me that if you are impulsively attempting self-mutilation from time to time, then your subconscious mind is letting you know where your heart is at on the subject of genital surgery.  Clearly, living with a penis attached to your body is not how you want live out the rest of your life, otherwise you probably would not find yourself again and again at your wits end and ready to cut yourself.  Listen to what your subconscious mind is trying to tell you, plan for surgery at some point in the future, and know that you are always free to change your mind at any time between now and that future date. 

Trust what your subconscious mind is trying to tell you.  If you can simply making the decision today to move towards surgery at some distant future date, you might just discover that the act of making a decision could bring needed relief to your conscious mind so that you can gain more clarity about what you want and why you want it.

If you don't mind me saying so.

i dont mind, and you have a point there but i'm still high on the fence. no matter how much i think about it, the answer is always yes, i should get it but than a certain part of me tries to fight it and thus puts me into a serious situation.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 04, 2014, 12:26:29 PM
You need to work this out with a Therapist before your transition any further. If you don't and go all the way to HRT and SRS I see a serious case of HRT and post op regret coming on.

i know and i have seriously thought about talking to my therapist as soon as i get the money. though i know i want it, i do have some concerns i wanted to talk to him about before i completely fold. my appointment with my psychiatrist is the day before my OB/GYN appointment so i'll see what happens and if i'm stable enough to start, if not, i'll hold out a bit longer

Quote from: kelly_aus on June 04, 2014, 10:24:00 AM
Which is why I don't use terms like non-op or non-binary outside of the trans community, heck, I rarely even make a reference to being trans.. Although my experiences don't seem to match yours in regards to acceptance of such terms. And just how does someone determine what genitals I have, unless I tell them or happen to be exposing them for some reason? And, frankly, 'a couple gay friends of mine' is hardly a representative sample.

I'm not confined to a 'small circle of friendly people', I am friends with and interact regularly with a broad range of people, some of whom I know think the whole trans thing is BS, but they respect me enough to not give me any crap about it.

Here's a question.. What's the point of transition if all I'm supposed to do is move from one ill-fitting box to another that doesn't quite fit for other reasons?

I like this.  A lot. 

My thoughts: I think a full transition is far too often shoved down our throats when a partial one will suffice to make us happy.  A lot of us are actually non-binary, whether we realize it or not.   My wife is borderline non-binary and isn't transitioning.   She even has a preferred male name.  I thought I was non-binary for a long time and even embraced it before I started to figure out that my brain is actually so far over to the "F" side of the spectrum that a full social transistion was necessary and that SRS is probably actually warranted in my case.   I will know for sure a few months after I try the orchi on for size.  This is why I recommend carefully planned baby steps when anyone transitions.  Failed transitions too often end in tragedy, and this is why going too fast or too much too soon is not good, no matter how good it feels at the time.  I could have been on the SRS table already, but I don't want to regret it.   I am currently 98% sure, but I am waiting until that figure is 100%.  I am also even going more slowly than my therapist and endo recommended, and they are quite cautious.  My wife took about 5 years to cultivate a proper D cup, and I am in no hurry either.  One thing that transition has taught me is patience.  I refuse to regret anything.

Transition is not one-size-fits-all.  It must be tailored to the individual.

i just feel like, i have the make the chose, and i want to make the right one. i want to go for it because that desire to become complete is like a never dying flame but on the other hand, i'm getting burned by the same desire. every moment its chipping away at the mortal of my soul and its causing more problems than it is solutions. time isnt something i really have and it does go by super quickly if i dont think about it. if i can make my decision now, than when the time does come, i'll be ready and i;d have everything together but i'm so far on the fence, idk when that would happen. the very fact i havent made my decision is causing me so much panic, its uncontrollable.

Quote from: Grim Reaper Brianna Terryal on June 04, 2014, 01:33:50 PM
i just feel like, i have the make the chose, and i want to make the right one. i want to go for it because that desire to become complete is like a never dying flame but on the other hand, i'm getting burned by the same desire. every moment its chipping away at the mortal of my soul and its causing more problems than it is solutions. time isnt something i really have and it does go by super quickly if i dont think about it. if i can make my decision now, than when the time does come, i'll be ready and i;d have everything together but i'm so far on the fence, idk when that would happen. the very fact i havent made my decision is causing me so much panic, its uncontrollable.

Sweetie, just try to relax right now.  You sound a lot like me while I was anticipating my first dose of HRT.  The fact is you don't need to make any decision now other than whether to take it in the first place, and you will not know if is for you or not until after you start.  I found it calmed my mind down pleasantly from the sh*tstorm I was living in since the age of 12. 

Breathe.

Quote from: Jill F on June 04, 2014, 01:42:12 PM
Sweetie, just try to relax right now.  You sound a lot like me while I was anticipating my first dose of HRT.  The fact is you don't need to make any decision now other than whether to take it in the first place, and you will not know if is for you or not until after you start.  I found it calmed my mind down pleasantly from the sh*tstorm I was living in since the age of 12. 

Breathe.

i'll try sis lol. maybe a nice hot bubble bath will calm me down a bit. my brain just keeps running. basically what i need is a super strong distraction

Quote from: Grim Reaper Brianna Terryal on June 04, 2014, 01:55:46 PM
i'll try sis lol. maybe a nice hot bubble bath will calm me down a bit. my brain just keeps running. basically what i need is a super strong distraction

Pick up some exercise ~ thats a good way to kill time and focus on something else, AND be productive. Instead of focusing on SRS or transition, focus on getting "rock hard abs" or whatever it is you're interested in having. Pick up an instrument or something. I've noticed that since I've started working out and focusing more on my weight loss and muscle definition, i've stopped thinking about transition all the time (not that I dont slip up from time to time, but its still makes the time pass easier and faster). Don't linger so much on answering a question to which the answer holds no weight for at least a year from now.

Besides, if you are being resticted from starting HRT because you haven't answered that question... then whoever is treating you is in clear violation of the WPATH standards of care. Its pretty clear that having a solid decision on SRS is not required to begin hormone transition.

Topic has run it's course and is drifting off course.

Topic locked.