Susan's Place Transgender Resources

 >:(

I don't know if anyone else feels like I do, and my other posts didn't get much attention, so I'll probably just waste as much time here, but nonetheless: I've been on T for nearly 8 months, and I feel absolutely no different. In fact, in many ways, T has made my dysphoria worse. I don't know if it's because of the sex drive increase, or what, but I've become way too obsessed with my goings on down there, and it just depresses me endless, and makes me really angry to know how easy cisguys have it in regard to just everything involved with that area. They don't have to use some rather useless piece of equipment to help them use the toilet properly. They don't need a harness when they have sex, their junk isn't made out of silicone or whatever. They can get an erection, and for the most part, they sure as hell don't cry every time they finish with easing their sexual frustration. Same thing for my chest, before I would just bind, and yeah it sucks, but I just never took it off and had no problems with never having to look at that crap much. I've always had problems with finding a binder that fits me and doesn't make me look triple the size I am, but it's even worse since I have started T. I don't have much going on there, and now T has pretty much redistributed it to my stomach areas, you can't really notice except for the sizing of my areolas and nipples, and the fact that they are lower than that of a cisguy's. I simply can't find a binder that actually does what I need it to, bind that part of my chest. I can't find one small enough. They all seem to, as well as making my chest look and feel bigger, make my hips stand out even more, which is just crap. I honestly don't feel like T has done anything for me, or ever will if it keeps going on like this. I still look the same, the only thing that's different is my voice, and maybe my face is more square, but that's pretty much it in terms of what other people see. And really at all, yeah, I've got more hair, but to me that's kind of a "whoop de doo", and it isn't much anyway. I've had virtually no growth down there either, and I know some guys claim to gain sensitivity, but I haven't. So I'm stuck with this insensate, not even half an inch when I'm aroused, excuse for a penis (Excuse the language, just that's how I feel, and see it). Unfortunately, I have no way besides touching to relieve myself of the ridiculous sex drive T has given me, which just makes me even more dysphoric, and at times suicidal and wondering why I even bother to wake up in the morning, because nothing really is ever going to be the way I need it to. I'll never have a cis penis, or even just any penis as far as I'm concerned, and it kills me. I've tried packing, I've tried using STPs, I have tried "strap ons". They all make me even more dysphoric, because they aren't even attached to me, and just a reminder that I have no penis. STPs have been useless, I have tried every way possible, and end up going on my leg or all over the floor. Packers just fall out of my underwear, regardless of the fact that most are "packing underwear" and I usually wear a harness as well. They've all collapsed, and ended up in awkward areas that make me look like I have a hard on, or that there's nothing there at all. None have lasted more than 3 months. I have tried using adhesive, only to get a massive rash in areas that just made me feel like complete crap. I've tried making my own harnesses. You name it, I have done it. It just doesn't cut it for me. Neither do the options in medical procedures in terms of bottom surgery, and I'll never be able to afford bottom surgery anyways, I am a pensioner that struggles not to starve most of the time. I may not even be able to get top surgery, if you saw my post on that, you'll know why. But I'm still taking T, because y'know, there's no other option for me. But I don't feel like I'm doing it for me, I never have. If it was for me, I'd feel better in some way or another. I just don't. And even giving myself the shot just reminds me how not cis I am, and I don't honestly think I need to go any further because I've probably made my point. Sorry for dragging on, and it's probably just a waste of my time, like my other posts. Thanks for reading if you did, and sorry if I offended anyone, it wasn't my intention. I just wish there was some way for me to feel better, and not just stare at blank walls knowing that what I'm doing just to live probably isn't even worth it in the end, and that it seems far easier for me to just end it all. Yeah, so.... Thanks again.

Hey there,

I just wanted to say that you're not alone out there going through that kind of stuff, it is tough to find solace and trying for many of us, to say the least. The only thing I say to myself is that we must persevere and go on, while this is indeed a difficult situation, hundreds of millions out there suffer from other kinds of crap related to violence, rape, torture, starvation and so on. I know it's not of much help, but you're not alone out there.

I was abused as a child though. And T has made me think about that even more as well,because it happened because of my being transsexual. But yeah, I know. Obviously I wasted my time, yet again. Thanks anyways.

I hear ya on a lot of that. Lack of funds, lack of growth are big ones I have, too. I can't wear the binder that many have because they give me strong feelings of suffocation. I get claustrophobic in them. I wear  a t shirt work uniform which clings in all the wrong places. I have a colostomy that makes wearing most pants that looked Ok before either have to be pulled high up like a girl or have the crotch to my knees. Neither of which helps at all.

I never used 'packing underwear' or a harness really. I tried a homemade harness, it ripped the packer in half and the idea of wearing the ones I see advertised is just a bigger reminder of what I don't have. I get some relief from packing though, enough to make the days bearable. The pants to your knees thing makes it very difficult. The standing to pee I could do without any device before and find a medicine spoon thing works well now. It did take some practice to do it with clothes on and without worry. I keep an extra set of clothes with me 'just in case'. That is more due to colostomy than it is STP issues.

I can sometimes get really down when I see threads of guys who can get surgery, top or bottom, and know I will never be able to afford either.

I would not give up where I am now for anything as it was before T.  I haven't even grown that much hair wise and what hair I have is leaving. I still like the calm I get from T and hope I can figure to a way to fill a script soon. No matter how bad it may seem, Life is so much better when the rest of my life isn't filled with dysphoria inducing pronouns and mirrors don't have my cringing. I still don't like them but I can see the real me in my face. It took a bit over a year for that to show. Sometimes T doesn't do as much or act as fast as it does for most.

It may take some time and experimentation to find different things which work to help you feel better. I still search and it has been a few years. You can keep going and share what you do find. You have a lot to offer and it often helps to help others when you feel real low.

I never tried the adhesive stuff but I have been tempted to. The posts here don't make it sound real encouraging though.

STP stuff that is just a giant funnel don't work for me, they simply remind me of what I don't have and make a big mess.

Anyway, people do read what you write, they just don't always have anything to say that they think will help. Mine probably don't either but I really did read it and know where you are coming from.

Even if you're just venting out, I do not think you're wasting your time, it's for this kind of situation that we are all here in this kind of community. It's still way better than remain shut down and keep it all in. I too suffered some child abuse and I know it sucks, big time.

Trez, do you not have a therapist? I think that would be a big help for you. Have you discussed your T results with your doctor?

Oh man, I am sorry.  You are not alone in how you feel about packing and binding or the inability to afford surgery, if that is any consolation.  I am kind of in a similar boat.  I don't really know what to say, but I will try.

If it makes you feel any better, some cis men take testosterone shots or gel, too.  Some cis men have a micropenis or development issues with their genitals as well.  And judging by how you described your binder situation, there are quite a few cis men who have more fat tissue in their chests than you.  You probably look way more like an average cis man than you realize.

You think you look the same, but then again you see yourself every day so the cumulative changes probably aren't as noticeable to you (or to people who see you on a daily basis).  Also, keep in mind that 8 months isn't very long, even though it probably feels like way too long when you are trying to work through dysphoria.  You will continue to change for years.  Please don't end it all now.  I agree that a therapist or just a support group or some people to talk to would be great.

No, I don't have a therapist. No, I don't talk to my doctor about T either, she almost wasn't willing to prescribe it at all. I just keep it to myself. No therapists where I live know enough, or are willing to learn and help. It's more hurtful talking to one than it is to just shut my mouth. All they do is remind me how weird and unusual I am. I just have a gender psych that I go to when I need approval for things.

Quote from: Trez123 on June 12, 2014, 07:19:46 AM
No, I don't have a therapist. No, I don't talk to my doctor about T either, she almost wasn't willing to prescribe it at all. I just keep it to myself. No therapists where I live know enough, or are willing to learn and help. It's more hurtful talking to one than it is to just shut my mouth. All they do is remind me how weird and unusual I am. I just have a gender psych that I go to when I need approval for things.

They don't exactly really need to know about transgender issues. You can talk about your depression, anxiety and stuff to someone that's willing to hear you out.

I've tried. I have bipolar 1 and borderline personality disorder, but both are worsened by my being transsexual, so it helps if the therapist, y'know.... But anyways. No therapists here actually care about their patient, at least in my experience anyways, and I was in foster care, so I had a therapist most of my life. They just wanted to make me dependent on the mental health "system" and meds, both of which I'm not interested in.

I can understand not wanting to see doctors who only want to medicate you and do little else.  Way too many psychiatrists do that here, too.  I don't know a lot about where you live or the resources, but it looks like after searching the interwebs, Queensland does have some support groups and services for trans individuals.  Have you given any of them a shot yet?  Also, maybe they could help you find a doctor who is willing to talk about your hormone levels and other aspects of your blood work more, because wonky hormones could worsen your bipolar symptoms.

Yeah, I've been. They're all post-op and disinterested in pre-op people and blah blah blah. My doctor does check my levels every 2-3 months, last one my T level was 815 and she said that my estrogen still isn't going down, and that my pituitary gland is still telling my ovaries to make progesterone blah blah blah, I didn't need to hear it. She also checks my cholesterol, vitamin D, iron, prolactin and thyroxine, she says they are all fine. My blood pressure never goes above 120/90, so no probs there either.

It's good to hear that your medical doctor is keeping pretty good tabs on you despite initially being hesitant to prescribe hormones.  Sorry about all of the groups in your area.  I don't know what to say other than what a bunch of classist jerks.  Do they think surgeries grow on trees or something?  >:(

 >:(
Certainly seems like it. They've all had their top surgery, and most had a metoidioplasty after they had their hysto. They're all above themselves, I don't mean to sound rude, but that's just how they are. In the mean time, I have cis people (because of my awkward adult guardianship order crap) that watch me for 4 hours in the morning daily, that call me shim, and baby face, and ask where my penis is and just all the crap I don't want or need to hear.

Wow.  Just wow.  Well, if it helps keep you going, at least you can keep in mind that you are an infinitely better person than these guardian people.  Hopefully you will be out of that situation soon.

Thanks, I hope so too.

Trez, I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling.  This is a good place to start to get support and feedback from others who have been there.  It's good to vent it all out.

Thanks :) I feel comfortable talking here, which is rare. I can see myself learning new ways to manage my dysphoria better being here :)

Wow. It's sucks that you're going through such a hard time with so little support. Sorry I don't have much useful to say.
Try not to take it personally if people don't respond to some of your posts. Sometimes, we just don't see them or know what to say.
You mentioned being borderline. I and a few other people around here are too. I can definitely understand not wanting meds. Is it at all possible to try DBT (dialectic behaviour therapy)? Personally, I found it very useful since it teaches skills for emotion regulation and stuff like that.

I LOVE DBT. I found a lot of stuff online, like self-help kind of thing. I felt really good being able to control what I was doing for myself, y'know? I used to self harm a lot, I haven't in months thanks to finding those DBT self-help things. I've also learnt that it's OK to verbalise my opinions and be assertive, but how to do it in ways that leaves room for others and their opinions etc. The main issue I have is being angry, I have very bad anger management, mind you that has improved a great deal also. It's more because the people involved with me just don't listen, and I have to repeat myself all the time, it drives me insane. I guess being a pensioner doesn't help my dysphoria either, there are a few things I'd love to try, but just can't afford, and I have no capacity to save once all my money is used on everyday things, not like I did before I became an adult. This has really helped a lot. I appreciate it.

I'm glad it helped. I have a lot of anger too.

 Bipolar is hell. I don't have it, but I've been with people who did and watched them go through the motions if they were doped up or become manic if they went off the meds. The mood swings were difficult for me to deal with, so I can't imagine how bad it is being stuck in your body with no magic button to just turn it all off.


The good news is that this point of your life won't last for forever. You're young enough to have a legal guardian, and that will end once you come of age. You've already helped yourself to a doctor who, despite seeming unwilling to help, HAS helped you reach a few goals. I urge you to take your studies seriously so that you can either go to college or a trade school where you can learn valuable skills to pull yourself out of the hole you're in right now. It's difficult, but the strongest people in the world are those that deal with problems like yours and still manage to create a life free from worry or hurt.
Binding - have you thought about taping? I'm unable to wear a binder because of claustrophobia and started using medical tapes. I had an allergic reaction to one brand, but found that the 'paper' tape works very well and doesn't harm my skin. I also recently bought 'k-tape' and it seems to be working better than any of the tape I've used. I don't wrap in it, I just use the tape to hold the tissue to the side and wear a sports bra over it. The results give me a decently flat chest that I can hide under a loose fitting button up.

If you ever want someone to talk to, you can send me a message. We cal exchange alternative chat options if that works better for you or keep it to the forum.

I'm 19, though. I am a legal adult where I live. Never mind. Yes, I used the Aussie version of ACE bandage tape, it's called ElastoSport or something. It really hurts, though. And gathers up under my arms. My doctor told me to stop using it because I could be getting top surgery soon, could, but because it's a possibility, I had to stop a few months ago. I now use a kind of waist trimmer or something? Made of spandex, with the elastic part of underwear. I have two of the spandex things, and use 4 elastic band things in between to bind. It's an ass, not very discrete, always falls down etc. But just until I know for sure if I'm getting top surgery or not. If I can't stay where I live, and it's a no for top surgery, I'll go back to tape.

And the order might never end, it's not age dependent. It's government, authority dependent. Just so you know.

Don't use tape. That can damage your lungs and ribs. Binding sucks in general though.
Out of curiosity since I don't know what it means, what is the order and why is it there?

I'm under an adult guardianship order, have been since my 18th last June. I got put on it because of a few things:
a) I'm transsexual, and the government need to see that I'm "actually transitioning" -_-
b) I had a vast history of childhood abuse
c) I was in psych hospital a lot as a teen
d) Because of my bipolar and borderline personality disorder, despite the fact that my gender psych (also a reg psych) said that I am capable of living an independent life as a young adult. And I was also in foster care for my entire life. Until just before my 18th.

Because of that order, I don't manage my money, a person called a Public Trust officer does. And I have "support" workers come to my house for 4 hours every morning. I'm not allowed to make adult decisions for myself without my guardian's permission. Basically, my life is controlled by idiots that don't even know me.

What? What country are you in?

Welcome to the reality for people have mental disorders in Australia. Trans* people here have to check in with the government in other ways if they don't have a mental disorder, or aren't under this order. I live in Queensland, on the Gold Coast.

That sucks. I wish there was some way to fix that.

Yeah. Me too.

sorry your in so much pain. I myself have some what similar issues. I would love to have surgery to help with dysphoria but money is the issue. I've dealt with the pain of having the wrong equipment all my life. I also am borderline. Life has definitely been a challenge. I'm lucky though that I have good medical support and a great psych team. HRT for me has been a miracle .I hope some how you  can get some sort of professional care because for me its been the difference between life and death.

Yeah, I don't think professional care exists here. Maybe I just haven't given T enough time, but most guys I've spoken to have gotten further than me by my stage. It just feels like extra punishment on top of all the other garbage I have to deal with. Oh well. Life goes on. Unfortunately.

Sorry to hear that you've been having such a sh*t time, Trez. I know reading that doesn't change anything, but, as I'm learning for myself, there are people who care.
I'm another one with BPD; and while I have found some things to be helpful with certain aspects of BPD, I still struggle with anger a lot. I've been in and out of psych wards almost a half a dozen times in the past year and a half for suicide attempts and SI because of dysphoria and feeling like my trans issues are never going to get better. I started seeing a therapist who, while knowing all of my issues, still proceeds to try to talk me out of hormones. Some people just don't get it. Sounds like you've got a lot of those in your life right now.

I guess my point to all this rambling nonsense that I've typed, is that, despite how you're feeling right now, eventually things will start to look up for you. I'm repeating what a lot of other people have already said, but it is true.
It takes a long time to get past childhood trauma, and then throwing in being trans on top of that? Trust me, I really feel for you. I juggle all that crap every day as well. Having a safe haven such as this makes it a lot easier to bear the burden.
Just remember that you're never as alone as you feel.

Heh. We should start a trans, borderline, childhood trauma club. That was a bad joke.

Quote from: Trez123 on June 12, 2014, 11:21:05 AM
I'm under an adult guardianship order, have been since my 18th last June. I got put on it because of a few things:
a) I'm transsexual, and the government need to see that I'm "actually transitioning" -_-
b) I had a vast history of childhood abuse
c) I was in psych hospital a lot as a teen
d) Because of my bipolar and borderline personality disorder, despite the fact that my gender psych (also a reg psych) said that I am capable of living an independent life as a young adult. And I was also in foster care for my entire life. Until just before my 18th.

Because of that order, I don't manage my money, a person called a Public Trust officer does. And I have "support" workers come to my house for 4 hours every morning. I'm not allowed to make adult decisions for myself without my guardian's permission. Basically, my life is controlled by idiots that don't even know me.

That doesn't make much sense that you can't have your own money. Even small children are given an allowance to spend on whatever they want.

BPD is common among trans* people. And thanks. Yeah, I know, they do give me just enough for me to survive and not starve, because I'm on a pension that only gives me about $540 a fortnight, it's difficult. I was doing better with my pension as a younger teen, before they got involved and the order got put in place. I did manage to save 10 grand for top surgery, after all. I definitely wouldn't be able to save for anything anymore, my pension got cut by $180 a fortnight last year, and I also have rent and adult things to pay for (Or that gets paid for by either department of human affairs or Public Trust). All of it makes me feel a lot worse, and my own SI has increased a lot since it happened. Been to emergency psych ward at least 20 times in the 11 months. There isn't really a day that goes by and I'm not suicidal and completely numb. I've noticed my dissociations have come back too, so has my severe paranoia. I've told all these dumb people how this makes me feel, and no one really cares, they just blame it on me. They keep complaining that I'm not working with them, and I'm too angry at the workers that do nothing wrong. They do, they call me shim, ask where my penis is, how I have sex, why I'm "doing this ->-bleeped-<- to myself", what my bottom half looks like, how come I have body hair but not facial hair except sideburns, tell me it's ->-bleeped-<-ed up that I like men too, tell me I'll be single for the rest of my life because no one wants to be with a freak etc, the list never ends really. I stopped letting them inside, and if I go out, I lock all my doors so they can't get in. I don't let them take me anywhere, because the places I do go, I don't need help. There's just so many things wrong with this situation.

Trez I think you are amazingly eloquent. I wish I can express myself as well as you can. I hope that your voice can reach the right people.

I'm 32 years old and can't really remember how I felt and viewed the world when I was 19, but I know that environment is a big factor in how you feel. You know, unless you're Buddha and transcended beyond mere mortals or something, you'll have emotions that change depending on how people teat and react to you (meaning it's obvious why you feel so bad!). I hope you can get out of that mess somehow and move on to a better place with much better people. I have a feeling your dysphoria should become easier to deal with when you're surrounded by people who respect you as a person.

Anyway sorry I can't be much of help, but I hope that you can find a way to get out of where you are now. You're still just 19, there are still tons of opportunities ahead of you to get life rolling. And please don't ever blame yourself for who you are. I wish you the best of luck.

Thanks. I'm trying to get out of it. But so far it's getting nowhere. Sigh. Life goes on.

Nothing you say here is a waste of time, especially since you don't have a therapist to vent and reflect with. I'm sure you know what's best for yourself, and avoiding unhelpful therapists is good, but you should try again sometime to find one if you ever end up in a different area or if you wait long enough for different mental health providers to be on the market. I've had a lot of therapists who didn't do me much good but the ones who did were worth sifting through the rubble for.

The way I approach testosterone is that it's what my body would naturally be producing if I were cisgender. I went into it with very low expectations. I mostly wanted to have T in my body so I would feel like a normal person. Normal guys make testosterone a lot more than estrogen. If you were cis, you wouldn't have a lot of control over how your body develops though, right? Seeing as we have to seek out external sources for what we should already have, we do have to think about hormone levels and effects, I know. But it's not a golden ticket. Our genetics aren't always ideal. A lot of us still have female gonads, which tempers the effect of testosterone.

I know it's easy for me to get on a high horse about that. I'm happy with my body. I like my hairiness even if it doesn't extend to my face as much as I want, and I got my breasts cut out with no copay on the technicality that everybody in my family gets cancer, and I can't afford bottom surgery until civil rights legislation catches up and makes my insurance cover it (but I know it will eventually), and the people around me are mostly supportive and polite. I apologize for criticizing from a position of privilege, but it's where I'm at right now.

It sounds like your caretakers are abusive. No one should ever call you names. No one has any right to tease you about your genitals, and anyone who even needs to be told that should not be working in mental health. No one should question your sexual orientation.

Your having major diagnoses and being under a guardianship order probably makes it hard for you to get people to take you seriously when you complain about things, but I hope you have some way to put a stop to those comments and questions. If you were in the states I would advise you to contact Lambda Legal. Maybe there's something similar where you live?

Yeah............. I wish I could feel like that.........

Quote from: Trez123 on June 14, 2014, 04:27:29 AM
Yeah............. I wish I could feel like that.........

It took time and work and stuff. I had to specifically decide to like my body before I was able to even begin to, and that was true before I transitioned. I learned to like the vessel I inhabit the same way I learned to like unsweetened coffee and oatmeal, by identifying it as important and just forcing myself to tolerate it and see the good parts and pretend sometimes and eventually get used to it.

If everything else is bad, it can be really nice to experience yourself as yours and not overly subjected to anyone else's opinion.

I'm still bothered by how you say people are treating you.

Yeah. So am I. I've tried to talk to legal aids and so on, but in the end, they are the authority, so what they say goes. Whether it's appropriate or not. Unfortunately, I have tried to like myself, but because of my personality, how others feel about me, and perceive me, gets dumped onto me, and it's how I end up being, to an even more extreme point. I just can't get past the fact that I'm stuck in the middle of a spectrum that I was never supposed to be on in the first place, and it will never change. I'll never be cis. It kills my soul. I guess I deserve it, and it's better than being chronically physically abused every day for not being cis. I just wish that something could give me some kind of relief and get me away from this cruel world, but I know nothing will. I have a vast history of overdose and suicide attempts, nothing was ever done about it, the response was always "Oh, we can't do anything for you, because we can't help with that gender identity stuff". Yeah, I know. I wanted to die, not to be told something I've heard since I was a child. In some cruel ways, I wish I was still being physically abused, at least then the pain would actually be real to other people, and not "just in my head". I've given up on myself, I did a long time ago. But I've also learnt that I'll never get what I need the most, so I'm just stuck here. I just lost my younger brother last year, he was trans* as well, I could see maybe I'd feel better by helping him get where he needed to be, but I was just hopeless, and he passed away instead. I try to tell myself I do most of what I do out of respect for him, maybe he can see it somehow. Sorry, that's pathetic. I'll shut up.

Hey man, that's not pathetic at all. Anything that gives you purpose or reason is never pathetic.
It bothers me as well about how you're being treated. That's definitely a violation of human rights on so many levels. Cisgendered or transgendered. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. I'm really sorry that you have to deal with that. Losing your brother certainly doesn't make things any easier, either.
Sometimes we're just dealt a ->-bleeped-<- hand in life and the only thing we can do is live another day simply out of spite-because our very existence pisses someone off. At least, that's how I look at it sometimes. I'm pretty demented, though.

Your situation is really rotten. I wish we could get you out of it. What your saying isn't pathetic, it's totally understandable given the situation.

I know someone who is really active in the trans community in australia. I'm not sure what part. You mind if I ask her about your situation and if she has any advice?

And I don't think you've totally given up on yourself. I know it feels that way, but you are still here. I used to think I'd given up and then I realized that somehow I kept hanging on. you're still fighting and we are here to support you. it's not much, but at least your not completely alone in your situation.

True, and no, I don't mind. Thanks, I appreciate it.

Well, I asked the person I knew. I'm not sure it's helpful at all, but she did point me towards this webpage: http://www.gendercentre.org.au/support/directory-assistance.htm

I really wish there was a way to help get you out of your situation.