Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I sometimes wonder if, when one starts HRT, and the body begins to change before one's very eyes, do people ever have a short and very real sense of dread, as in "OMG!!! There's no going back, now!" Or is it a case of observing, and thinking, "I'm really happy about this!" Perhaps it's the most exciting part of a life, for some. I'm really curious to know what people have thought and felt at that moment when the realized something really big was happening, as they experienced transition.

you can always go back , It's just whether which way is the best path. I does feel good to be on the right road.

I was recently looking at a picture that was taken of me at my therapists office last September and the changes between that picture and the way I look now are remarkable. Living each day I don't see the changes but they are clearly happening.

Looking less like a dude and more like a woman is a good thing to me; I like those changes.

Each step forward is scary - going on hormones, seeing a therapist, going out en femme for the first time, telling people, and the really huge thing I am about to face which is coming out at work. In addition to those things I am stressed about the social things I suddenly need to know, as well as my looks and appearance.

It is probably the most stressful and yet satisfying thing I will ever experience.

For me, hormones are pure pleasure. Well, except for the side effects. Starting was exciting. Noticing change is great and only reinforces my choice.

At my age, I'm not expecting miracles from hormones, but have been pleasantly happy with the subtle effects.  So, yes, for me those changes are wonderful and affirming.  But I am extremely clear about my decision and direction.

I guess that anyone feeling ongoing dread or more than one or two negative OMG moments should really stop and ask him/herself where this feeling is coming from. 

For me, I haven't had that "o crap! what is happening to me" thing,,, or not yet at least.
The day I went for my first appointment to the Endo, right through to picking up my meds at the pharmacy, I was calm about it (not stressing), as i thought I would be.
Seeing and feeling the changes are just awesome. I don't think I would ever want to be without my 'moans'. I feel a completely different person, and for once in my life i feel happy about myself.
So far nobody has mentioned seeing any changes around work or home. ( I have only told VERY few people about it, and would like to see when people start commenting about my changes. If everyone knows about it, they will tell you what you want to hear and say they are seeing changes in your appearance, which is not necessarily even there. So it's sort of an experiment for me, by not telling.)

Why did you go to a Enduro chronologist? I ended up just going to a natural path that specializes and gender dysphoria

Nope, can't say that I've ever had any doubts transition is right for me. I've always been a girl, and I'm now correcting my birth defect. I am now and always have been very secure in my femininity. I'm soooooo happy every day as my body changes it's hard to put into words. I now love myself both inside and out. A love which grows daily as I continue on this most wonderful (for me anyway) journey.

Allie :icon_flower:

I have enjoyed transitioning immensely. More than I ever thought I would.

But yeah, those moments happened from time to time, and now, I am past the point of no return.

Boobs! When I realized I can not go topless anymore without surgery? And I realized I would never want that surgery? That was cool. But it did cause some momentary anxiety.

Coming out to everyone? Oh boy! Compared to my fears, it was pretty painless. A big moment. Someone around her has said, "Once you are out, you can't go back in." I agree. It is kinda like walking the plank. There is no going back. Fortunately the water is filled with dolphins and mermaids.

Now, my gender fluidity confuses people more than my being trans, but I just don't want to be full time right now. Sometimes I want a break. Just to walk through town alone without looking over my shoulder all the time and whatnot.

I have been on HRT a little while now and did some herbal stuff before it that had some effect. The only sense of dread is that I set a date which I would like to go full time and before starting HRT I was worried I wouldn't pass by then after starting it I am not sure I can hide my breasts till then....

It has been immensely gratifying to see just how much I have changed though and I really enjoy every change too.

Five months in for me and though there is a long way to go (I hope!) I'm getting comments about how much my face has changed and a t-shirt is now pretty much not possible.

HRT has really set me free emotionally and I love how my body is changing, so no regrets or fears on that score. It feels very right.

The only dark moments I get are about how to sort out the financial mess I'm in and how I'm going to make a living post full time. I still have time to work it out :)

I wouldn't say it's dread but yeah I have looked at myself naked b4 and been like "Fu*K, I really turned myself into a woman. Nice." Then I look at my thing or whatever it is and I wanna puke. Before hormones, I was pretty girlish body wise. Now, I'm just shapely.

That's the thing, I always here every body whose not full time talk about hiding their boobs and I have had boobs my whole life and people never thought I was on HRT. They just thought I was a hermophrodite, which I am, so yeah. But I just would always be like "whatever" and people dropped it. Well, my friend told me it was the milk. I actually had several people say that. I used to mess around with my friend and make out and stuff and she used to love sucking on them and said "you're the only guy I ever met that had boobs" LOL so Y'all should think of the upside. I know a lot of peeps here are down with the pu tang.

Quote from: Joanna Dark on June 15, 2014, 10:38:31 PM
Well, my friend told me it was the milk. I actually had several people say that. I used to mess around with my friend and make out and stuff and she used to love sucking on them and said "you're the only guy I ever met that had boobs" LOL so Y'all should think of the upside. I know a lot of peeps here are down with the pu tang.

Ummm.... what?

???

Quote from: FilaFord on June 15, 2014, 10:45:52 PM
Ummm.... what?

???

Before I took hormones I had breasts from an intersex condition and people say stuff, but no one ever made a big deal out of it. I said that cause everyone always thinks they're going to be found out and no one ever thought I was transitioning. As long as you wear male clothes, people will only say stuff in passing and won't dwell on it. Or, in the case of some people sexually, they like them. Is that clearer?

Quote from: Joanna Dark on June 15, 2014, 10:48:59 PM
Before I took hormones I had breasts from an intersex condition and people say stuff, but no one ever made a big deal out of it. I said that cause everyone always thinks they're going to be found out and no one ever thought I was transitioning. As long as you wear male clothes, people will only say stuff in passing and won't dwell on it. Or, in the case of some people sexually, they like them. Is that clearer?

Yes, sorry, I read it like 5 times and couldn't figure out what that last part was about!  I don't see the big idea that you can't hide breasts.  I have never heard anyone ever comment on a man's boobs but I have seen many a man boob in my times at public amusement parks, and every pool party at my parents house. 

I'm just embracing that I eventually won't be able to pass as a guy, and that's kind of the whole point anyways, so the sooner that happens the better :)

Quote from: Suziack on June 15, 2014, 11:24:53 AM
I sometimes wonder if, when one starts HRT, and the body begins to change before one's very eyes, do people ever have a short and very real sense of dread, as in "OMG!!! There's no going back, now!" Or is it a case of observing, and thinking, "I'm really happy about this!" Perhaps it's the most exciting part of a life, for some. I'm really curious to know what people have thought and felt at that moment when the realized something really big was happening, as they experienced transition.

Every person's experience is different.  I really enjoyed the immediate emotional and psychological changes.  The end of my dysphoria was life changing.  However I was a little thrown by the speed of my body's reaction to hrt.  As Stephaniec said - you can always go back, you can pause for a while, you can always dial back the meds, you can always delay the normal increase in dosages and depending upon your objectives you can always modify your body - breast reduction etc.  Providing that you are working closely with an endocrinologist and seek therapy as appropriate then you are safe to choose your path i.e. you set your speed and your direction.

It is important that you are comfortable with all of the changes that you are experiencing as there will be significant change on a number of external fronts with family, friends, employer, team members, customers in addition to your physical and emotional changes.  Taking each step consciously and carefully will help you ensure that your transition is as safe and as successful as possible.  You may be surprised at what you discover along the way.

Safe travels

Aisla

well I had no desire to go back when I started and I still just wanna go forward. I recently got put on Finesteride and my breasts and hips have started to fill in because of it. it's awesome!!

Quote from: Joanna Dark on June 15, 2014, 10:48:59 PM
Before I took hormones I had breasts from an intersex condition and people say stuff, but no one ever made a big deal out of it. I said that cause everyone always thinks they're going to be found out and no one ever thought I was transitioning.

The difference is that you always had them.  I'd imagine that those of us who go from flat to a b cup in 4 months would get more questions about them.

I don't notice the incremental changes on a day-to-day basis (even though I'm taking regular photos).  But once in a while, I'll catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror somewhere unexpectedly, and I'll be like, "Wow, you're looking kinda girly today."  When I'm not expecting it, that's when I see the changes.  And it's also when I get those WTF thoughts too, because the changes are subtle but dramatic (if that makes sense).

But in general, it's a good feeling to know that progress is being made, even though, like Eva Marie mentioned, each step is scary sometimes.  As long as you take it step by step though, and as long as you give yourself adequate time to adjust to each step and check that it's still ok with you, then it's an exciting process.  The snail's pace of hormones is a good thing!

I began with an herbal program, blended, not just eight or ten diff bottles of herbs.. almost 8 months I was on them.  all bio-identical.  so the "estrogen rush" I began to get within just within the first few days, calmed me down and began to change me pretty quickly.  I noticed I was a lot calmer by like.. day 4 or so.  The realization didn't sink in, what I was doing to my body, until the second week or so. and it was.. why did I hurt myself so long before this?  The emotional changes began, tho, right away! By the second day, I could tell I was going to cry for no reason.. and now.. oh, forget it!  I so much as see a kitten, or a lil kid with a balloon..  I just want to know, where does all that water I cry out come from?? I would be soo dehydrated, I'd look like a 9yr dead grasshopper!  I never knew the human body could cry this much as still stay hydrated!!

Now, I switched..

I began my drug hormones last week.  I didn't feel much of anything different, because my levels were already changed.. but my boobs are getting sore now, after a couple days of real E.  I got very good development from the herbals, I'm a 37B- and they are noticeable if I'm in a tshirt, or when I'm going down stairs.  My family has not noticed yet (really? a house with 3 ciswoman??!!), they are blessed with a certain type of situational awareness.  They would spot the elephant in the room, only, if it was a very small room, or a very large elephant.

The change in my mind came, with the changes in my body.  Those who have not seen you in a while, will register the changes in you first.  Those who see you often, will just realize, after a while, there is something different about you.

You never actually see the tree grow, you just realize, after a year or so, the tree is much taller than it was.  Think of the lines from "Fiddler On The Roof"

(Tevye)
Is this the little girl I carried?
Is this the little boy at play?

(Golde)
I don't remember growing older
When did they?

(Tevye)
When did she get to be a beauty?
When did he grow to be so tall?

(Golde)
Wasn't it yesterday
When they were small?

(Men)
Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly flow the days
Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers
Blossoming even as we gaze

My physical changes are so slow, and so subtle, I have to look carefully at old photos to acknowledge the facial changes

Other areas I notice suddenly - some pants no longer fit, and the breasts have a small amount of heft to them which I am studiously ignoring.

On the other hand, the emotional changes came on pretty quickly and I love the fact I'm reconnected and no longer a robot.

My honest to god "big moment" was when I first realized my little storm troopers where being destroyed en mass. My semen was turning clearer and I freaked out and started a thread about it, "Standing on the precipice of infertility..."

I was terrified. That was when Evelyn knew ->-bleeped-<-z gettin real yo!

My second big moment was looking in the mirror and noticing the "starry eyes" effect (nod to jennygirl for the term) when your eyes change, open wider, look more glossy and attractive.

Wow.

That change was surreal and weird. I mean the eyes have it, that's your window to your soul for xist sakes. That's going to be a big wtf moment to process once you see it for yourself. You're now seeing 'her'.

My third would probably be my skin. Yeah, it smoothed out real nicely.

I thought about turning back once , but I'm glad it was just a passing thought do to being sick from the flu. I don't like to take pills when I get real sick.

for me it was the moment when I would be called Ma'am regardless of whether I was wearing makeup or not.

Another one for me is still being called "Miss Allie," "Ms," "Mam," or "Ms. Anderson" even after hearing my horrible voice. This happens all the time. But the most recent was last Friday at my bank.

Allie :icon_flower:

I had a woman refer to me as both sir and ma'am twice out of order each time pausing and looking at me, I can only assume for a reaction that would confirm or deny lol. I just kept going I am buying food doesn't matter much if I am male or female for that.

The dread moment I had was when after the first estrogens injection (April 16th) I felt like vomiting with mild headaches for 5 days and during that I worried: will it be like that all the time? It repeated only for the second injection and only last 2 days. After that it haven't occurred again.

As for the wow moments?
1.) On Sunday April 20th in the shower I noticed that the breast grew slightly right below nipples. I just stared for few minutes.
2.) On May 24th evening I looked to a mirror and saw the face of my older sister. The next day my mother told me that I actually look great as a girl. Which felt great given her initial mild transphobic reaction when I told her my intention to undergo sex reassignment therapy at the end of last October.
3.) This Monday I traveled by a bus and the second driver was sitting next to me. He wanted to get of early and he talked to me as to a woman if I could leave the seat so he can get of the bus. He was so close so I asked myself: "Is it really that convincing already?"

Previously the closer someone was next to the more likely it was I would talked to as a man. I couldn't believe that at such a close range he wouldn't notice some remnants of male in me. I guess that female/male recognition distance dropped to 0. That did wonders to my self-confidence and from that moment I started to explore the areas around which I live and work here in Prague :-) .