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i know i'm much happier taking this journey of mines, and i do see that this is something i really want, but i cant get over this hatred i feel about myself. even if i was to get the surgery and become a complete female physically, mental and emotionally, this self hatred i feel runs even deeper than my psych and even my unconscious mind. i cant seem to get to the root of why i feel such strong hate towards myself. this is the only question that i cant find an answer to and its kinda of annoying because i want to love myself but i cant seem to find a way or a path to get there

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on June 21, 2014, 09:42:39 PM
i know i'm much happier taking this journey of mines, and i do see that this is something i really want, but i cant get over this hatred i feel about myself. even if i was to get the surgery and become a complete female physically, mental and emotionally, this self hatred i feel runs even deeper than my psych and even my unconscious mind. i cant seem to get to the root of why i feel such strong hate towards myself. this is the only question that i cant find an answer to and its kinda of annoying because i want to love myself but i cant seem to find a way or a path to get there

The root may have been put in you by someone else. There's a lot of people that hate those that are different, for whatever reason, and it's sometimes not that hard for one to agree with them, especially if you agree with them on other unrelated things.

It may also be that you are carrying some misogynistic attitudes this society has, and that wanting to become a woman is making you experience them in reverse.

It could also be something else, but in any case, you should not hate yourself just because you want to be a woman. Many of us, myself included, have had these feelings though. For me, I redirected the hate onto society, though I'm not sure that's the best way to handle it.

perhaps. hmm, i'm thinking maybe at has to do with being used as nothing more than a sex toy when i was younger, and i adopted that idea because i was getting noticed and well, though it was wrong i felt wanted o.o but now, i'm getting payed no mind really other than perverted looks, its starting to weigh on my psych as if i'm not good enough anymore, or am i not use able anymore. thats the only explanation i can think of or that weighs a lot stronger than any other options.   idk what it is but its causing me to much grief.

QuoteThe root may have been put in you by someone else. There's a lot of people that hate those that are different, for whatever reason, and it's sometimes not that hard for one to agree with them, especially if you agree with them on other unrelated things.

Yeah, this can be a cause, other people can insert seeds of self hate into you, its very easy to think its you when its them. Dont think too much of what other people think of you, OP. If they are  other underlying issues causing this, find out what is and maybe talk to someone close to you or a therapist. You could also find some self help material online if you prefer this way, also it might help to surround yourself with people who don't make you feel negative about yourself, either by what they say or do.  And if they are strangers who look down on you, who cares what they think, they wont be in your life for long. The problem is them not you.

Quoteperhaps. hmm, i'm thinking maybe at has to do with being used as nothing more than a sex toy when i was younger, and i adopted that idea because i was getting noticed and well, though it was wrong i felt wanted o.o but now, i'm getting payed no mind really other than perverted looks, its starting to weigh on my psych as if i'm not good enough anymore, or am i not use able anymore

Thats awful, sorry to hear that. But remember what has been done to you or what other people do does not define who you are. You are still in control of your own life and future. I know its not easy to get over this mindset, but it helps to recognise it in the first place and work towards overcoming this. You have already made an important step by recognising your issues and making a post to ask for advice :).

Quote from: Marvel on June 23, 2014, 01:35:30 PM
Thats awful, sorry to hear that. But remember what has been done to you or what other people do does not define who you are. You are still in control of your own life and future. I know its not easy to get over this mindset, but it helps to recognise it in the first place and work towards overcoming this. You have already made an important step by recognising your issues and making a post to ask for advice :).

i know. i feel a little better getting it off my chest and i'm finally able to dive a bit deeper. i think its the fact i hate being alone. at least 99% of the time i'm riding "solo" so to speak but yet when i'm not alone, i tend to isolate myself even more. its really frustrating. even my therapist is perplexed about this and is trying to help me through it. its just unfortunate though i cant see my therapist until sometime next month which is making me concerned

Have you ever tried hypnotherapy? Most therapist and psychiatrists do know a couple that they work sith or refer patients to. Ask yours. That my get you to the root of the problem instead of sjut guessing.

Quote from: Jess42 on June 23, 2014, 04:25:09 PM
Have you ever tried hypnotherapy? Most therapist and psychiatrists do know a couple that they work sith or refer patients to. Ask yours. That my get you to the root of the problem instead of sjut guessing.

i've done it before but because i'm not receptive to hypnosis and i'm so guarded to the point that even if i was under mind control no one can get into my brain, its something that hasnt been or would be brought up until i deal with the cause of my excessive guardedness, but i would give it a shot again becuase i must know whats going on in my sub and unconscious mind thats causing me to hate myself so much or since i have an idea, what is fueling this hatred of mines. once i destroyed my closet, everything whether surface or under surface feelings just rushed at me. i just want them to go away and leave me alone

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on June 23, 2014, 04:38:06 PM
i've done it before but because i'm not receptive to hypnosis and i'm so guarded to the point that even if i was under mind control no one can get into my brain, its something that hasnt been or would be brought up until i deal with the cause of my excessive guardedness, but i would give it a shot again becuase i must know whats going on in my sub and unconscious mind thats causing me to hate myself so much or since i have an idea, what is fueling this hatred of mines. once i destroyed my closet, everything whether surface or under surface feelings just rushed at me. i just want them to go away and leave me alone

I do know hypnotherapy isn't cheap. Actually they charge more than the psychiatrist. It actually may take many sessions from what I understand. I did it once a long time ago with a friend that was learning how to do it and I wasn't that hard to put under. But the thing is from what he told me is that if you aren't meant to know, even under hypnosis you won't be able to answer it.

Quote from: Jess42 on June 23, 2014, 04:55:04 PM
I do know hypnotherapy isn't cheap. Actually they charge more than the psychiatrist. It actually may take many sessions from what I understand. I did it once a long time ago with a friend that was learning how to do it and I wasn't that hard to put under. But the thing is from what he told me is that if you aren't meant to know, even under hypnosis you won't be able to answer it.

i just dont want them to go to far in. i have major trust issues and since its clearly noticable, i get taken advantage of. i just feel like a puppet on strings

Your problems will not go away if you don't allow help. You will be stuck in this endless cycle and never be at peace with yourself or others.  :)

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on June 23, 2014, 05:08:57 PM
i just dont want them to go to far in. i have major trust issues and since its clearly noticable, i get taken advantage of. i just feel like a puppet on strings

Sometimes Brianna, we just have to trust people especially those that are supposed to be professional and trying to help us. The thing is that a professional whether therapist, psychiatrist or hypnotherapist do have, whatever they call it, patient, Dr. confidentiality. I know I spent the better part of almost three years beating around the bush and my last appt. when I told my psychiatrist about the gender deal it was like a weight was lifted off my chest. Now I can finally deal with the real problem which to me isn't that big of a deal anymore and what I've been doing is more comfortable and seems less urgent.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 23, 2014, 05:14:25 PM
Your problems will not go away if you don't allow help. You will be stuck in this endless cycle and never be at peace with yourself or others.  :)

Wow Jessica something about the Jess part in a name. Well I ain't gonna say we are smarter but maybe a little wiser. ;) Could be age too though which I don't even want to think about. :-\

i know i need to open up, but there are many secrets i have that i should share but i'm to afraid to say. i wont be able to see my therapist until sometime in july but i dont fighting anymore so i yet again hit a wall of doubt and confusion. sometimes i wonder why i'm so stubborn and turned out to be a total basket case

Quote from: Jess42 on June 23, 2014, 05:22:46 PM
Wow Jessica something about the Jess part in a name.

We are JESS special!! ;D

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on June 23, 2014, 05:30:47 PM
i know i need to open up, but there are many secrets i have that i should share but i'm to afraid to say. i wont be able to see my therapist until sometime in july but i dont fighting anymore so i yet again hit a wall of doubt and confusion. sometimes i wonder why i'm so stubborn and turned out to be a total basket case

I have so many skeletons in my closet that the mayor of the town I live in asks me if the city can borrow them and hang them along the street during Holloween. :D Until you can open up Brianna you are gonna keep banging your head against that wall of doubt and confusion and end up with a headache.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 23, 2014, 05:33:17 PM
We are JESS special!! ;D

Oh yeah Hon. But I ain't concieted in the least little bit even though last time I got shot at, the bullet just bounced off and during my last physical my height was 9 feet 11 and 1/2 inches tall. Not quite 10 ft. but close enough to be ten foot tall and bulletproof. ;)

But seriously Brianna, you gotta learn to trust your medical professionals be it physical or psychological.

Or better yet Brianna, trust yourself.

Quote from: Jess42 on June 23, 2014, 05:40:10 PM
But seriously Brianna, you gotta learn to trust your medical professionals be it physical or psychological.

I totally agree with this! You are biased in your views of yourself that is why you need an outside party to help you. You can say all day long "it won't help", but what do you have to lose? You can't be anymore depressed and stressed than now. You will have to go into Therapy with an open mind and no preconceived notions for it to work though.  :)

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 23, 2014, 05:45:23 PM
I totally agree with this! You are biased in your views of yourself that is why you need an outside party to help you. You can say all day long "it won't help", but what do you have to lose? You can't be anymore depressed and stressed than now. You will have to go into Therapy with an open mind and no preconceived notions for it to work though.  :)

i'm not biased o: i jsut keep going back to the thought of me being damaged goods. i'm working on my feelings though. i go see my second psychiatrist on the 30. i came out to him 2 weeks ago and that meeting he was asking me all sorts of questions which actually gave me some hope that a psychiatrist finally is listening. hell i dont know what the book he was using but every time he asked me questions, he always looking in the handbook. it was kinda shocking really. i handed him my letter from my therapist and all of a sudden i felt relief that he was listening. i'll bring up my self hatred with him on the 30th

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 23, 2014, 05:45:23 PM
I totally agree with this! You are biased in your views of yourself that is why you need an outside party to help you. You can say all day long "it won't help", but what do you have to lose? You can't be anymore depressed and stressed than now. You will have to go into Therapy with an open mind and no preconceived notions for it to work though.  :)

Oh yeah, most definately. Like I said earlier, I know that guarded feeling and beat around the bush for a long time, wasted quite a bit of money of my own and quite a bit of time of a therapist and psychiatrist and when I did let it out it came out it was one helluva relief. Holding it in was actually killing me. Now I see another therapist that is knowledgable in gender issues and what I have always done helps me with the dysphoria but Brianna, the holding it in was the absolute worst part and I was really getting dysphoric, still do but I can handle it now a lot better and it rarely lasts more than a couple of hours. But there is no doubt that if I would not have said something, my self destructive behavior would have been my demise.

Brianna, I really don't know how old you are. Jessica I really don't know how old you are (ain't even gonna ask) and I definately ain't gonna say how old I am but I would guess Jessica, just from her wisdom alone and advice she gives and I are fairly close in age (Jessica knows the medical side, definately smarter than me but I know the dark side) and Brianna, that is a lot of experience in life trying to guide, advise and help you Hon. For what it's worth. But ultimately it is up to you.

i may be young but people have told me i'm wiser than the average 70 year old but leave that aside. i know bottling isnt a good thing but when you really need help and your doctors or therapists arent readily available (i usually have to wait at least 3 months), or i dont have the funds to see my current therapist, bottling is usually my unconscious reaction.

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on June 23, 2014, 06:42:51 PM
i may be young but people have told me i'm wiser than the average 70 year old

:eusa_wall: :icon_blahblah: :eusa_wall: :icon_blahblah: :eusa_wall: :icon_blahblah: :icon_headache:

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 23, 2014, 08:31:46 PM
:eusa_wall: :icon_blahblah: :eusa_wall: :icon_blahblah: :eusa_wall: :icon_blahblah: :icon_headache:

ridiculous i know but thats what people tell me constantly especially my mother. i'm just a basket case so hearing that makes me even more depressed. i keep getting called Eisenstein or a genius or some other term for a very smart person and some people in high school kept calling me the wiseman because i could usually solve their issues, but yet i say it makes me feel worse because i cant solve my own problems. oh well, its just another story in the book of my life. i'm neither wise, or a genius or Eisenstein or any other smart term at all and that will never be because that just isnt me.

No hon. Show me a person that isn't a basket case and I will show you a person that has not experienced life.

Brianna, I have exprienced life on many different levels, not only trans. Live fast, love hard and die young. Only the good die you so that is the reason I'm still here. ;)

Bottling is never a good thing. Believe me It will drive you nuts. It almos did me.

C'mon little sister open up to your therapist, psychiatrist or any othe medical or psychological professional. When I did a lot of stuff that I used to deal with disappeared. Sometimes that is all we need, to tell out secrets to someone face to face. I'm still me but whole lot better feeling me.

70 yrs old? I promise you I have lived a lot faster and harder than most anyone and in my forties feel like I am 70 but in no way as wise as 70.

Quote from: Jess42 on June 23, 2014, 09:01:47 PM
No hon. Show me a person that isn't a basket case and I will show you a person that has not experienced life.

Brianna, I have exprienced life on many different levels, not only trans. Live fast, love hard and die young. Only the good die you so that is the reason I'm still here. ;)

Bottling is never a good thing. Believe me It will drive you nuts. It almos did me.

C'mon little sister open up to your therapist, psychiatrist or any othe medical or psychological professional. When I did a lot of stuff that I used to deal with disappeared. Sometimes that is all we need, to tell out secrets to someone face to face. I'm still me but whole lot better feeling me.

70 yrs old? I promise you I have lived a lot faster and harder than most anyone and in my forties feel like I am 70 but in no way as wise as 70.

i'm open to my therapist and my psychiatrist. just i havent dived to deep yet because of the circumstances at this very moment though as of now, i'm on solid ground so i can speak more freely. my psychiatrist i see outside of the hospital i just opened up to about being trans so now i see him for a 2 hour visit on the 30th so i'll use that and try and see if i can force myself to be a little more open

A lot of times, opening up to people can be a bad experience, sometimes they end up using it against you.
This doesn't happen with therapists, Doctors, psychiatrists, or psychologists. You're supposed to tell them everything.
There isn't anything that is going to so shock them that you can't tell them.
Mine know of things that I will never write about here, hardly a person even knows about them, they do only because they were a part of it.
You might not want to open up here out of this same fear, but when you ask questions and people keep giving you really good answers,
You need to quit dodging it with different or worse things.
Take some time to reflect on just what people are trying to tell you.
You've got, what 16-17 days till you find out about your HRT? Closer than a lot of other people.
But still, it must seem like a long way off. I can see the anxiety in this, but calm yourself down.
Things are moving along, it takes time, but a lot less time than it used to.
When people take the time to invest in you with their knowledge, use it.
Think about it, consider it from all directions before simply moving past it to the next thing that you can think of as an excuse to not do just that.
Excuses will get you nowhere. Stop making them.
You are in effect, cheating yourself out of some very good help and information from people.
I've seen a lot of people go through this and do it the same way as you are. Same but different.
You're trying to make a special case out of it, it's really not. You don't need any special help.
You're getting it anyways, because people are nice enough to invest in you.
I use the word invest with intention. They are giving you something of value.
Spend it wisely. Think about just what it is that they have invested in you, because they think you're worth it.
You're getting closer everyday. Much closer. And you have a lot of investment in you to see you through until you get there.
Hang in there, you're so close. We've all been through it and survived.
You will too. For some it's harder than it is for others, but a lot of people here are telling you what you want to know.
Listen to them. It's the least you can do in return for the investment they are making in you.
You're getting closer, it's always one step at a time, one step at a time. Don't get ahead of yourself.
Ativan

i see my psychiatrist on the 30th. he know's things my therapist doesnt know so its not like i'm not talking, and no, i rather not be a special case. i just want to be "normal" or at least able to think without the constant onslaught of headaches. i'm actually doing a lot better and as for HRT, once i figure out whether or not i can get my script on the 11th, i may just in fact deny it and wait a little while longer depending on what my psychiatrist says about my mental stability during my full eva on the 30th. i want to be happy so i'm seeking help but its my resistance, bad experience and a whole helluva other stuff blocking me which is not only annoying but is causing my self doubt. i made up my mind and say even with my self hatred, i'm going to be happy one way or another or i may as well bury myself alive 6 feet under. i may not be good at keeping commitments but this is something i want to do, but i do appreciate the brutal honesty, ativan. as my saying goes, i rather have the brutal, painful truth rather than a sugarcoated lie.

One step at a time, one step at a time...
You're getting there.
With the psychiatrist coming up so fast, it's a good time to think about what you've learned here.
Use it to your advantage, go in prepared.
Nothing like walking in unprepared.
The time with them will go fast, so even a list of things isn't out of the question.
Just remember to listen and consider before thinking ahead to the next thing.
Here you get the luxury of pausing and taking all the time you need to consider things before moving on to the next thing.
Use the time that you have to consider the things you truly want to know before going in.
I have a feeling, and it's just me thinking, that if you try low dosr HRT, things will have a diffent look to them.
It's just one of those things you won't know until you try.
One step... you'll get there.
Ativan

you don't like being alone?
but when your with people you isolate yourself?

why is this so perplexing, to me it makes perfect sence :~)

your an extrovert (likes socialising) but because of particular parts of who your are and fear of rejection you hide them. (I did too, and do still to a lessor degree :) )

over time though the hiding got to me. I loved these people, but felt until they know the real me they could never love me, but I needed them to know the real me. only then could I truly feel pert of the group. I still hide the real me away when I'm on my own for the most part. BUT its in the real me mode, and fear of that rejection. But with a friend I can take on the world :) I don't want to be alone either. I need to be liked and loved and even a comment from a stranger means so much to me. But i'm like this because I care about everybody because I want everybody to care about me. I'm working on this though, because nobody can know me by looking and if I do get any negative responces I know its because they don't know me.

the problem is putting that into practice.

i know. 6 days. seems like a lot of time but it really isnt. this 2 hour session will make or break me and be the deciding factor of whether or not i am prepared to transition even though i was diagnosed with GID, this session will decide my fate. i just have so much to say that i'd have to write a speech and hope that i can fit it all in lol

Quote from: ButterflyVickster on June 24, 2014, 09:27:01 PM
you don't like being alone?
but when your with people you isolate yourself?

why is this so perplexing, to me it makes perfect sence :~)

your an extrovert (likes socialising) but because of particular parts of who your are and fear of rejection you hide them. (I did too, and do still to a lessor degree :) )

over time though the hiding got to me. I loved these people, but felt until they know the real me they could never love me, but I needed them to know the real me. only then could I truly feel pert of the group. I still hide the real me away when I'm on my own for the most part. BUT its in the real me mode, and fear of that rejection. But with a friend I can take on the world :) I don't want to be alone either. I need to be liked and loved and even a comment from a stranger means so much to me. But i'm like this because I care about everybody because I want everybody to care about me. I'm working on this though, because nobody can know me by looking and if I do get any negative responces I know its because they don't know me.

the problem is putting that into practice.

its not the fear of rejection really, its when people get to close to me, they see the real me and it scares me. i know its not right to put on a facade but thats just how i learned to survive. it all goes back to being used and treated like nothing more than a sex toy or a dumping ground. i'm one of the kindest, gentlest creatures on this planet and since we are rarities it seems, people take advantage of us more so than regular people. i'm like a rare treat you get once every other 3 years do to some type of tradition or special occasion. idk, people are just horrible thus why i put up a mask to hide that rare trait of mines thus allowing me to live a little longer though it shows after awhile do to the energy drain 

You know a lot more about yourself then I do.

And It made me smile. You do seem to be in a much more stable place then when you joined here. (you are definitely getting there :) )

stable being the operative word but your right. i'm willing to seek more help or give therapy another chance. though this hellstorm or emotions is agitating me, i'm working through it and i have cut down a lot on the self harming so thats a plus. 3 weeks clean and counting  :laugh: