Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm sorry I am flooding the forum with new threads.  But it is my desire to offer possible thought provoking ideas.

One of the terms we use a lot is "authenticity".  Being authentic.  But what does that mean to you?

For me it means rigorous honesty with myself, knowing the truth of who I am all the time, and being that truth regardless of whatever presentation may be necessary or appropriate or real at the moment.

I would prefer being openly "out" but reality is that just doesn't work for me, the collateral damage is too great to family and possibly to carreer, but not so much that.  And it is only a family issue because they cannot handle the visual death of their father or mate.  They are just learning now who Satinjoy is.

Authentic to me means being true to your core values.  True to yourself and family, hiding nothing, but respecting their needs. 

But raw authenticity is simply being the gender your mind is in at the moment.  Not hiding who you are at core.

I don't know, I think I am not making much sense, but i think authenticity is the most import concept we have as trans, being true to ourselves, not self decieved, not being an act, but being real in the moment.

Thoughts?

SJ

Great question.   This is a quick response.  I need to think some more.

To me authenticity connotes a whole range of attributes eg being genuine; honest; ego free; open; transparent; self realised; grounded, present or being consistent with your core values, inner truth or guiding principles.

It therefore implies that dishonesty; selfishness; ego driven etc is the polar opposite and enemy of authenticity.

For me authentic expression is not a constant and is in many ways a moveable feast;  the expression of authenticity changes as I change and as I grow; in many ways it is moving to the dance of spirit and soul - bathed in the music and presence of other spirits and their love.  I suspect that, distraction from or the pursuit of, personal agenda denies authenticity.  I also suspect that lack of insight from lack of inquiry and self understanding also prevents authenticity.

Aisla

Well that was very pretty prose for a "quick response" and I can only applaud.

Authenticity, for me, has to do with the dominant paradigms and boxes we inhabit.  Being mindful of my life long effort to appear male while feeling female I have an aversion to jumping neatly into the other box that says "female."   Having grown up with mass media's stereotypes I want to feel a genuine sense of self and embrace change as the constant.
I do not know the end of this story. 

Quote from: Tessa James on June 24, 2014, 01:25:51 AM
Being mindful of my life long effort to appear male while feeling female I have an aversion to jumping neatly into the other box that says "female."   Having grown up with ...  stereotypes I want to feel a genuine sense of self and embrace change as the constant.
I do not know the end of this story.

TessaJames

Thank you for the applause but your comments are more resonant, closer to the mark and much closer to my sense of the truth in authenticity.   Being mindful, seeking to find and to embrace a genuine sense of self; and embracing growth and change while consciously choosing one's journey and narrative is closer to what I would have liked to have said.


Aisla

Thank you Aisla,

One area of authentic concern for tg/ts people is our literal voice.  While I have availed myself of speech therapy there is a part of me of wanting to retain some of my actual voice and not affect a mickey mouse substitute.  It is also the reason I keep my legal name as Tessa James, acknowledging my past identity with my old first name now my middle.  The personal narrative part I addressed by telling my early story in the daily newspaper here.

Trans people are too often accused of deception and my remedy is to be out and honest to a fault, perhaps ;)

Saying I don't know, when I don't know.
Its means admitting my failings.
Does being authentic mean being openly out, to me yes. But that is because I can. For another it means not being so because they in their situation cant. it is being out when you don't want to that is not authentic.

I think that in a lot of ways it is impossible for a person not to be authentic. even if say being a liar is their authenticity. because liars lie? authenticity is being you, for yourself, and not you for someone ells. unless of course you are yourself for someone ells for yourself. Being authentic is about what matters most to us as people. you might want one thing, but want something ells more. and we sometimes forgo some things we want to have others we want more. We have reasoning and this is what makes us authentic to ourselves.

Because what ever we do we do it for reasons. and this is who we are.

Now my authenticity in the eyes of others (is a different question and that) would be being honest with them, not lying painting a picture that is me. expressing myself, my likes my dislikes, saying I don't like something even if I eat it :P. because eating something usually says you like it.

So authenticity? for me it being me :) for someone ells? that depends on whether they believe me or not. Because the truth is a lie to those that don't believe it.

EDIT --- after thought, is authenticating not a seal of approval? so authenticity to another is them agreeing with me :). And in that sense it means having my own approval in my actions. Not doing something I don't want to :) not being ashamed of myself :)

TessaJames

I admire and applaud your honesty and transparency.  Your comment re literal voice is quite thought provoking. The literal voice is a major challenge and seems to fundamentally shift for most folk who undergo a fundamental or binary shift in presentation.  For the MTF it can be a 'give away' but for a GQ or MTA it does not need to shift in a significant manner.  It would be nice for a MTF or MTA to be able to change gears and their literal expression but seems to require a high order and not easily attained skill. 

Your desire to keep some of your actual voice could be realised through maintaining your usual intonation and syncopation but I suspect that any change in pitch may drown out or over power these elements.  Would you feel the same way if your voice felt less mickey mouse and more cis as appears to be possible via Yeson surgery?

This desire to retain and to express part of your original identity is interesting, as it is this need which keeps be trending towards an Andro or GQ presentation in sympathy with my non binary identity.  Do you think that your desire for a non binary voice or Q voice is consistent with your stated F identity or doesn't it really matter, as who needs or really needs to fit,wholly within a pink or a blue box?

Aisla

Quote from: ButterflyVickster on June 24, 2014, 02:13:25 AM
Saying I don't know, when I don't know.
Its means admitting my failings.

I think that in a lot of ways it is impossible for a person not to be authentic. even if say being a liar is their authenticity. because liars lie? authenticity is being you, for yourself, and not you for someone ells. unless of course you are yourself for someone ells for yourself. Being authentic is about what matters most to us as people. you might want one thing, but want something ells more. and we sometimes forgo some things we want to have others we want more. We have reasoning and this is what makes us authentic to ourselves.

Because what ever we do we do it for reasons. and this is who we are.

Now my authenticity in the eyes of others (is a different question and that) would be being honest with them

EDIT --- after thought, is authenticating not a seal of approval? so authenticity to another is them agreeing with me :). And in that sense it means having my own approval in my actions. Not doing something I don't want to :) not being ashamed of myself :)

ButterflyVickster

I wish that I had studied logic or philosophy as I don't know if what I am going to say, makes sense or is logically flawed. 

I agree with you that being honest with yourself and with others is being authentic. Not doing something that I don't want to do also suggests authenticity.  But I do wonder if seeking or receiving approval is closer to seeking or receiving validation, which seems to be speaking to satisfying or feeding the ego, rather than necessarily reflecting  your truth.   Similarly while there will always be a reason as to why we do something, the reason  could be that we have simply chosen to bully, hurt or to harm others, in which case I don't see this as living your life or expressing yourself honestly or in line with your core values or higher purpose (unless of course you are just plain nasty). 

So perhaps my departure point from your definition is my sense, that authenticity has a sense of higher purpose, truth, selflessness and a lack of a personal or selfish agenda.

Just a thought,  need to keep thinking ...

Aisla

Quote from: Aisla on June 24, 2014, 02:35:48 AM
ButterflyVickster

I wish that I had studied logic or philosophy as I don't know if what I am going to say, makes sense or is logically flawed. 

I agree with you that being honest with yourself and with others is being authentic. Not doing something that I don't want to do also suggests authenticity.  But I do wonder if seeking or receiving approval is closer to seeking or receiving validation, which seems to be speaking to satisfying or feeding the ego, rather than necessarily reflecting  your truth.   Similarly while there will always be a reason as to why we do something, the reason  could be that we have simply chosen to bully, hurt or to harm others, in which case I don't see this as living your life or expressing yourself honestly or in line with your core values or higher purpose (unless of course you are just plain nasty). 

So perhaps my departure point from your definition is my sense is that authenticity has a sense of higher purpose, truth, selflessness and a lack of a personal or selfish agenda.

Just a thought,  need to keep thinking ...

Aisla

Maybe I don't know what authenticity means. I had assumed they In many cases mean the same? authentication is a seal of approval? a validation? if something is invalid it is wrong? untrue? maybe the problem is language?, translation?  I have learned that two word sounding the same can mean different things. maybe authentication has nothing to do with authenticity, apart from "authent" but icity and ication can drastically change there meaning.

I have no idea. but this derivative was a questioning afterthought. meaning my words after were an "if" not an is :) maybe I do have an ego. I am struggling with "pride" and "vanity" at the moment. and those are the ego's :(. Maybe I need to learn my own language. Or discover another less confusing one. sighs. I think Ill step out of this convo. Until I know what authenticity means. (Maybe I should just quote the dictionary, but wait...... if it was this meaning sought the question wouldn't not of been asked) what does it mean for ME?? honesty, truth, transparency, openness, (and ironically) knowledge.

Quote from: ButterflyVickster on June 24, 2014, 03:09:42 AM
what does it mean for ME?? honesty, truth, transparency, openness, (and ironically) knowledge.

BV

Sorry I do get a little intense.  I love these types of discussion and sharing ideas.  No one is right or wrong.  All questions are good questions.  In fact I think that we are converging on the same definition, or sense, of authenticity.

Aisla

Great questions Aisla and while not wanting to derail this thread it seems that an element of this conversation gets to the concept of passing.  Is it more important to pass than feel real?  I went into transition feeling it was not vital for me to pass and very important to feel real.  I can appreciate a husky, sexy voiced woman and have no interest in surgery on my vocal chords.  You answered your own question nicely and yes it is true that I feel and desire greater femininity (a stereotype) in presentation but consistently feel the need to be my real self.  Since my reality includes a six decade long shadow it is a fun challenge to flesh out and occupy the darkness I once knew.  How and why do we know what feels "right"?   Like appreciating art I may not her able to articulate why but I feel some images speak out loud.

Quote from: Tessa James on June 24, 2014, 03:24:49 AM
Great questions Aisla and while not wanting to derail this thread it seems that an element of this conversation gets to the concept of passing.  Is it more important to pass than feel real?  I went into transition feeling it was not vital for me to pass and very important to feel real.  I can appreciate a husky, sexy voiced woman and have no interest in surgery on my vocal chords.  You answered your own question nicely and yes it is true that I feel and desire greater femininity (a stereotype) in presentation but consistently feel the need to be my real self.  Since my reality includes a six decade long shadow it is a fun challenge to flesh out and occupy the darkness I once knew.  How and why do we know what feels "right"?   Like appreciating art I may not her able to articulate why but I feel some images speak out loud.

TessaJames

Sorry SJ (as the OP), but I can't resist a brief side exploration. 

I sense that TJ and I are in a similar place.  My first inclination was to transition to F, and even when my non binary identity emerged and asserted itself, I initially continued to lean in this direction.  At the time I could see the much greater flexibility in expression or presentation afforded to me if I chose the F box but .... there were costs - relationship, family, career etc .... and I had a growing sense that my truth as a non binary would actually be compromised by a binary transition or change in presentation as an MTF.   

In addition I felt the need to see if I could gain greater amplitude in my expression, emotional bandwidth etc without a binary transition.  ... and also felt that leaving my shadow behind rather than integrating and illuminating it in my new self would be damaging to my soul and to my psyche. 

So long story longer - I am transitioning MTA and determined to see whether I can find authenticity through more nuanced and richer experience with out a binary transition.  Suspect it will be a challenge, as males, and in particular TG folk born male are more rigid, strait jacketed and constrained than most.

Need to think more on this but this is fascinating stuff.  I suspect that there are a number of potential threads embedded in our discussion.

Aisla

This is exactly what I had hoped would happen in this discussion.  Don't stop.  :)

I have a choice to make concerning staying GQ or going A or even TS stealth.  Authenticity now becomes about not fooling myself, and having my eyes wide open to the choices i make, the cost to my personal needs and expression, and living up to my ethical and spiritual standards, where my self worth is drawn from.  As well as my role as father and husband.

Let the posts fly my precious dears, come out and play

Working sincerely and honestly and feeling right while transitioning defines my journey of change.   I called myself genderqueer for some time.  I lived a good deal of my life as an androgynous sort of person with very long hair and being out as queer and bi while some people likely thought I was gay.  Stealth has no attraction for me even if I could pass 100% of the time--not likely in this lifetime ;)  I respect others going stealth but I would not want to be back in that situation of having a secret with a past and would worry again about being outed.  I am very happy to be transgender and consider myself very fortunate to have these unique and delicious connections to a non binary gender identity.  No secrets, no shame and what a relief to give up on trying to act like a man.  Free thinking and free feeling.  We know all too well about the chains of self loathing, expectations and consequences that can hold us back.  Chain gangs are a prison motif.

Stretching the metaphor, are we shackled by responsibilities?  My spouse and most of my family accept me and, for the last year my wife has introduced me as her wife.  Does that mean I am a better housekeeper, cook or parent?  IDK but the better alignment of my identity and presentation feels sublime. 

How do we define ourselves and what are the obvious and unconscious forces that shape our world?  Is our self image and behavior consistent?  All part of working toward authenticity for this girl.

Our self image is changing continually, as we go from people who have not tried to those that have, those who know not and those that do. With everything we learn, we learn more about our self. We might see our self as being unable to do something in a situation, and discover we can when in that situation. Or think we would and discover we cant.

We are alive, and as such we grow, we learn, we change. There are things about us that do not change, and denial of these things is not authentic, authenticity demands us to be open and honest about these things. And this is what happens when we say I cant do that because, or I can and this is why.

I suppose authenticity is broadcasting the why behind the what?

Well I figured out that for me right now, authentic will be to remain GQ in presentation.  Nothing changes except the nice gift I am going to get about a more fulfilling full transition beardless presentation, when I am in that center or core, when in the times that I nurture the female component in me and cradle her in my loving arms.  A far better emotional state than I was for many years.

But out, in business, everything falls into place, I keep the nails, I stay male attire outside only, and if anyone asks, then I am physically an androgyne, blended anatomy.  Only the cruel would I block from this, and I am getting to the place of not caring about them either.  Had enough of bullying.

As to our constraints and responsibilities, being shackled to them, motives are big with me there, sensitivity to needs.  I bound myself to my wife in wedlock, that is final.  I had a dream last night of two blue angel planes taking off side by side, flying high and wing tip to wing tip.  That dream is a metaphor of what my marriage is and I would fight to the death for it.  That is authentic.

But the GQ presentation is really who I am out in the world, my comfort level, my reality, my neutral and fluid and mtf states simultaniously in one body.  So that is genuine, comfortable and real.

The beard shield will be gone.  That will be a new place for me, out of my comfort zone but with great dysphoric relief rewards.  Is that genuine?  Hard to say.  It was a tool.  It was a mask, a costume.  It once was a way to prevent me from going out "in drag" decades ago, during the purge years when I had no clue.  There are no needs anymore for such a thing, where fear is the motivation behind all.  There is a new motivation now, courage, honesty, and it would not be here had I not read the many posts from the rest of us here.  I cannot and will not do this on my own, not without you, you have all become family to me and my essential support.

Blessings and Love to all here.  I want very badly to be authentic.  Transparent, like the bra I wear lol.  Absolutely real.

I hope Ativan comes in on this thread, sh'e probably has some amazing insights on authenticity we would all gain from.

OK that's it, I'm giving up going to conferences, visiting friends, until I write some software that will automatically alert me to what you guys are doing.  My favorite authors have a conversation and me not butting in seems so unfair!

Rant done. ;)

I am  woman. I identify as such, and do what I can to look and fill the roles that womanhood implies in my somewhat jaundiced view of the world.  Even so I know that there are pieces of my personality that appreciates my residual masculinity, and I have endless admiration for Satinjoy and Aisla who seem to be able to weave a blended life into successful living. 

From ButterflyVickster "We are alive, and as such we grow, we learn, we change. There are things about us that do not change, and denial of these things is not authentic, authenticity demands us to be open and honest about these things."  And yes I agree that authenticity demands candor about the core, but that portion of me that is static seems to be shrinking and that which is fungible expanding.

My attitudes and beliefs about what is masculine, and what is feminine as always been tempered by what needs to be done now, but I seem to be shedding the need to define most things in that dichotomy.  I am not Yin and Yang, I am a blend of all the universe has to offer.  Transition is less and less about the journey from guy to gal, although that continues, but more about the journey from persona to person.

"Working sincerely and honestly and feeling right while transitioning defines my journey of change."  Yes Tessa, I so agree that sincerity is the defining trait of transition which can only be accomplished by an honest and open examination of who I am. I have to cast off the chains of my oppressors to become me, and I am both the oppressed and the oppressor in your metaphor.

My male persona was not authentic, neither was he a lie.  He was the best I could do at the time with what I believed to be true.  So, can sincere inauthenticity be acceptable?  For a while I think it can or I would have spent much more time in the psych ward on suicide watch.  But there is the rub, for me to live the persona leads inexorably to despair, and if I persist long enough to emotional  or physical death.

The good news is that seeking an authentic life is a phoenix exploding from the ashes of who I tried to be.  And since that flight is fueled by acceptance of the search, it is filled with color and excitement.  (Whew, sometimes I mix metaphors until there is a patina of chaos in my thoughts, but I don't know how not to.)  I am thriving on the conversation, and by the freedom of action in discarding most of my check boxes.  That freedom does include trying to make myself pretty, and trying to blend socially.  But I do not live in stealth, nor do I take umbrage when misgendered.  Actually I'm not sure that I can be misgendered.  Gender queer? trans female, cis-male, they all feel mostly OK.  If wishes were fishes, as Tessa says, I would have been raised a girl regardless of my genotype.

I wasn't, but that is becoming OK as I travel through life.  Next year I will have surgery, and be anatomically female.  Will that make being addressed as sir more or less annoying?  When I am addressed as a woman, I feel affirmed.  Will that simply fade away as it loses its novelty?  Know what?  I don't much care.  However I am imagined by others is their business, how I am imagined by myself is mine.  It seems simple, but is actually hard.  I often imagine myself in the third person.  The integration of male, female, queer is not complete.  I am not a multiple, but sometimes it feels like that disassociation is immanent.

The costs of an authentic life are real, but mostly paid.  I have lost love, but I've gained both love and respect. 

So somewhere I seem to recall that Satinjoy asked the question as to what it means to be authentic.  It think that it means to be the best me I can be.  Not hiding, not shading the truth, being willing to accept the costs and to delight in the evolution.  It means loving without condition, and nurturing without expectation.  It means embracing spontaneity and owning responsibility, but eschewing rigidity.  It means living in the fullest most joyful way I know how, and to know that the knowledge will expand for as long as I live.  It means laughing, helping, building, crying, even destroying.

I am reminded of Pete Seger who quoting Ecclesiastes, "To everything turn, turn, turn, there is a season turn, turn, turn, and a time to every season under heaven."  Embracing and acknowledging that, is what I believe is the essence of what it means to be authentic, and also what it means to be truly alive.

j

I think it's way overrated.

I tend to be more pragmatic about things. In general terms, not even about gender, a lot of people shoot themselves in the foot by being authentic. Does it really help ones career going into a job interview with visible tattoos that could be covered up? Does it really help you going to court dressed like a slob because that's how you normally dress?

And yes, unfortunately, the same thing applies to gender, does being authentic really serve your purposes? Is it worth getting beat up? Is it worth not being able to get a good job? Is it worth losing your family over? To me it's not. Yeah, I am a girl inside, but I'd rather have a nice job, and all that, than be authentic and be in a much worse situation.

We are all actors, whether we want be or not. Those that don't get that usually aren't all that successful in life. The only other way is to be so arrogant and/or confident that your presence just overwhelms everyone...

That said, I am not totally pragmatic either. I have to not worry about what mannerisms I have or what words come out of my mouth or none do. There is always a slight hint of androgyny in my physical appearance as well, but just that, in those situations where I am called to play the role of a guy.

JB/VL

Great posts. Julie,  I think you capture the nature of authenticity but accept Veronica's view that authenticity may sometimes be over rated or perhaps even confusing, confounding or potentially dangerous.

I really need to think about non binary identity and authentic presentation   The issue I have is that a binary transition, for a non binary like me, almost seems contradictory.   Is it driven by the attraction of a fresh start, improved ability to integrate or access other binary characteristics or, as in the case of MTF, does it take you to a presentation where society allows and understands a more nuanced or non binary presentation ?

Aisla

Waaaash, a Great Wall of text!  @.@

TL;DR :P. J/k

JB - I think you're on the mark on being totally honest.  The question is - is it appropriate for each person?

VL - I feel your comment on the possible costs of genuine honesty in gender presentation salient.  I'd agree that we tend not to be honest with one another - we change our outward mask depending on whom we are interacting in order to keep our interactions "harmonious"

Definitely, it is harder for mta presenting more on the femme side vs fta.  A woman posing as a man is strong, a man posing as a woman is weak - that is the long held stereotype in society, and it will be a long time before that changes.  For those of us who are non binary - it's a suffocating double standard.

Most certainly, there is an attraction for me in going mtf then fta due to the flexibility in presentation that society allows.  Sometime I wonder if this is one of the possible core reasons for my dysphoria.

Is it worth getting beat up? No matter how hard i tried to hide my trans identity, denied it, pretended it wasnt there. Guess what? I got beat up. Ive been getting beat up all my life. By that standard one might just say living isnt worth being beat up. So if anything i get beat up less now. Job wise? I dont want a good job. I want a job, but it has to bé en fem mode for there to Bé any enthusiasme. It not about money for me. Its about being productive in society. That is somthing i cant acheive as male. I got no enthusiasme for it.

So, in answer to the is it worth being beat up, worth not getting a good job. The answer to that depends on the person answering.

There is an undercurrent here where authenticity is going towards authentic presentation.

What is authentic?  Presentation? Or knowing who you are, so that the presentation choices made are choices made from a place of strength, or compassion, for ourselves and for others, but not fooling ourselves about who we are.  And being open and candid here at Susans is authentic, where the more honest we are with ourselves and transparent we are with each other, the better for all of us.

I choose an understated genderqueer presentation.  Just nails out, and clear polish, not deep red.

However, Satinjoy when she is out is strong, very female, and beautiful, and she is just as authentic wigged and dressed as my genderqueer fluid male presentation at work, yet she remains in me, just covered by a role and a costume that reflects the other component of me, where I allow him to have the controls and protect Satinjoy from foolishness and harm.  Sorry about 3rd person references its just easier, I am blended and whole, not split.

Of course as an actor I can be very fluid, but I draw on who I am to play all the roles.  So all of the roles are authentic.

But I don't want to confuse the face I present to the world with not being authentic.  Not being authentic, I think, is defined as being false to myself.  Allowing others to determine who I am or perceive myself to be , through their use of fear or non acceptance or my perception of them,  is not authentic.  That is the key for me.  Not letting the bad guys win. It is not easy to do that.

Quote from: VeronicaLynn on June 24, 2014, 11:42:54 PM
I think it's way overrated.

I tend to be more pragmatic about things. In general terms, not even about gender, a lot of people shoot themselves in the foot by being authentic. Does it really help ones career going into a job interview with visible tattoos that could be covered up? Does it really help you going to court dressed like a slob because that's how you normally dress?

And yes, unfortunately, the same thing applies to gender, does being authentic really serve your purposes? Is it worth getting beat up? Is it worth not being able to get a good job? Is it worth losing your family over? To me it's not. Yeah, I am a girl inside, but I'd rather have a nice job, and all that, than be authentic and be in a much worse situation.

We are all actors, whether we want be or not. Those that don't get that usually aren't all that successful in life. The only other way is to be so arrogant and/or confident that your presence just overwhelms everyone...

That said, I am not totally pragmatic either. I have to not worry about what mannerisms I have or what words come out of my mouth or none do. There is always a slight hint of androgyny in my physical appearance as well, but just that, in those situations where I am called to play the role of a guy.

Ah, but if I am not willing to accept the pain I will never reap the rewards.  I tried to live protecting the good job family and all the rest, for all but the last two years of my life.  I ended up staring off a bridge wondering if I could fly and hoping I could not.  This wasn't the first time, and sinking into blackness was becoming the norm.  Then I spent a year trying to present as a guy while taking hormones to physically become a woman.  I ended up in the same sad space.

ButterflyVickster notes "So, in answer to the is it worth being beat up, worth not getting a good job. The answer to that depends on the person answering." 

Yes, but also the time.  I could not have embraced Julie much earlier than I did.  I had to go through the despair to have the where-with-all to accept the risk and loss as a price for sunlight.  I have said many times that if I had other choices that could have led to a happy life, I would have pursued them.  I do not believe that maintaining the persona was an option for me, in that space at that time.

My fear is that so many of our brothers and sisters miss the break - and are gone.  Pragmatism is well and good, but I can be pragmatic to the point where I no longer exist because that is the optimal solution at that time and space. "Not letting the bad guys win,"  but I am the one who blocks me from redemption, I am both the bad guy and the redeemer in this context.  It seems to me that this is a common thread,  we seem as a class to contain both the seeds of despair and of fulfillment.  For me the path is, by necessity, authenticity in, as much as possible, all areas of my life.

j

Quote from: Aisla on June 25, 2014, 01:34:29 AM
JB/VL

Great posts. Julie,  I think you capture the nature of authenticity but accept Veronica's view that authenticity may sometimes be over rated or perhaps even confusing, confounding or potentially dangerous.

I really need to think about non binary identity and authentic presentation   The issue I have is that a binary transition, for a non binary like me, almost seems contradictory.   Is it driven by the attraction of a fresh start, improved ability to integrate or access other binary characteristics or, as in the case of MTF, does it take you to a presentation where society allows and understands a more nuanced or non binary presentation ?

Aisla

A fresh start, an opportunity to reinvent without the tarnish of prior errors of both omission and commission, is seductive and honestly is a part of what makes it possible to do this.  For there to be resurrection there has to be death.  I chose the death of a persona over the physical death of my body.  I was one of the lucky ones, I will never have to live on the streets because of that choice, nor will the people I love be denied choices about their lives.  I can not stress that enough, I think I would have jumped if it had been otherwise.

I don't think in terms of binary a lot.  Gender, like sexuality is a spectrum.  I am more comfortable on the female side than the male side, but I am not on the tail of the curve, but somewhere in the valley of a bi-modal model.  I think that transition and presentation follow along that path too.  I like looking feminine, who knows that may change one day and then I will present differently.  The important thing for me is to express who I am and how I relate to myself authentically today.  If I live this way, then there is no cognitive dissonance and no dysphoria.  I'm sorry to be so long winded, but this is at the center of what I am trying to discover about who I am, and how I shall live.

Happy Trails,
Julie

Quote from: JulieBlair on June 25, 2014, 09:20:02 AM
A fresh start, an opportunity to reinvent without the tarnish of prior errors of both omission and commission, is seductive and honestly is a part of what makes it possible to do this.  For there to be resurrection there has to be death.  I chose the death of a persona over the physical death of my body. 

I am more comfortable on the female side than the male side, but I am not on the tail of the curve, but somewhere in the valley of a bi-modal model.  I think that transition and presentation follow along that path too.  I like looking feminine, who knows that may change one day and then I will present differently.  The important thing for me is to express who I am and how I relate to myself authentically today.  If I live this way, then there is no cognitive dissonance and no dysphoria. 

Happy Trails,
Julie

Julie

Your posts are powerful.   Much of what you express is how I feel.  However as you say your locus of identity is on the feminine side and it is sufficiently distinct from your persona for it to be new and separate - the new life following the death of the other is effectively the binary opposite of your old.  It is female rather than male.

As a non binary it is alas not that simple for me.  In many ways it is the quest for greater authenticity and amplitude of expression which drives my transition to realising and expressing a more blended or non binary identity.  The dilemma or challenge for me is to recognise, honour and nourish the best of my (for want of a better term) masculine elements while identifying, expressing and nourishing what may be regarded as more typical feminine elements.  I can't walk away from who I was and I am compelled to find a way of integrating this with more feminine attributes to reshape and authentically express who I really am. 

I think that, while challenging, this is possible.  However revealing or communicating this without committing to life entirely within a blue or a pink container is extremely challenging, particularly when formerly strait jacketed alpha males, who wish to appear more androgyne have relatively few tools available in comparison to their female equivalents. 

This journey and fulfilling my need and desire for authentic self expression appears to be the next stage or challenge on my travels.  Being misread, from either clumsy or too subtle expression may be my major challenge.  Time will tell.

Aisla

And your quest for authentic self expression and your willingness to share it in real time as it unfolds, is why I admire you so much.
j

Authenticity means others can see the real you.  It's something we want, but it can understandably go by the wayside either because we're wrong about who we are or because social cues are telling us to act differently.  The idea of authenticity becomes complicated, because our own lack of understanding or our circumstances limits what we show; we're coming up short, but it's typically/primarily not for a lack of character.  While our presentational authenticity is compromised, there's still something authentic about being human and holding back, just as it is human to have self-discoveries and fight oppressive norms.

For the purpose of these boards, we are usually thinking in terms of gender and expression, but "the whole package" of ourselves also has to do with our interests, relative strengths and weaknesses, knowledge, personalities, and goals, and we can be "more successful" showing some of these factors than others depending on our own development and circumstances.

That aside, I tend to look at authenticity as a positive when it occurs rather than a negative when it doesn't.  It's something to celebrate when it can be realized more fully.  There are "problems" with a lack of authenticity, but there are so many ways it can happen that casting immediate judgment doesn't work.  Acting out of fear to escape being at the mercy (or lack thereof) of others can be understandable, even though it's not desired.

Quote from: JulieBlair on June 25, 2014, 08:57:33 AM
Ah, but if I am not willing to accept the pain I will never reap the rewards.  I tried to live protecting the good job family and all the rest, for all but the last two years of my life.  I ended up staring off a bridge wondering if I could fly and hoping I could not.  This wasn't the first time, and sinking into blackness was becoming the norm.  Then I spent a year trying to present as a guy while taking hormones to physically become a woman.  I ended up in the same sad space.

ButterflyVickster notes "So, in answer to the is it worth being beat up, worth not getting a good job. The answer to that depends on the person answering." 

Yes, but also the time.  I could not have embraced Julie much earlier than I did.  I had to go through the despair to have the where-with-all to accept the risk and loss as a price for sunlight.  I have said many times that if I had other choices that could have led to a happy life, I would have pursued them.  I do not believe that maintaining the persona was an option for me, in that space at that time.

My fear is that so many of our brothers and sisters miss the break - and are gone.  Pragmatism is well and good, but I can be pragmatic to the point where I no longer exist because that is the optimal solution at that time and space. "Not letting the bad guys win,"  but I am the one who blocks me from redemption, I am both the bad guy and the redeemer in this context.  It seems to me that this is a common thread,  we seem as a class to contain both the seeds of despair and of fulfillment.  For me the path is, by necessity, authenticity in, as much as possible, all areas of my life.

j

While I'm happy being authentic has worked for you and the others, it's really been quite the opposite for me. I spent most of the last year dressed as a woman full time, with the exception of going to the store. Being authentic to me essentially made my home my prison. I don't know how all of you do this, but I can't leave the house dressed as a woman. I am not stay at home time person either, I'm always on the go. I don't feel like I could make it through the transition period, at this time, and with no real life support system, and I don't really even have the money now either.

I was so much happier when I was in denial mode and fighting this. For some reason, that's not a recommended treatment for this, but I know I was happier when I was fighting these feelings. I don't think I can go to the same denial mode I was in before, but I can go back to living as a guy full time. I think that's where this is going at this point.

Despite my general feeling that authenticity is overrated, thinking about this has made me wonder just what is authentic to me anymore. I don't think I would ever be comfortable as a woman, despite having thought I was a woman trapped in a man's body for so long, and yet when I let her out, and she won't leave the house.

I've been going under the assumption that being genderfluid/bigender is my true self, and that a static non-binary identity was impossible for me. I think I should at least give some more thought to that. My main issue has always been that I never wanted to be a man, not that I wanted to be a woman. Up until I found this place, I thought being a woman as the only other option. Even after finding out about these other identities, I still have a hard time grasping and understanding them. Yeah, while they are just labels in a sense, they are also concepts I think I need to explore further.

Quote from: VeronicaLynn on June 26, 2014, 01:02:49 AM
Despite my general feeling that authenticity is overrated, thinking about this has made me wonder just what is authentic to me anymore. I don't think I would ever be comfortable as a woman, despite having thought I was a woman trapped in a man's body for so long, and yet when I let her out, and she won't leave the house.

I've been going under the assumption that being genderfluid/bigender is my true self, and that a static non-binary identity was impossible for me. I think I should at least give some more thought to that. My main issue has always been that I never wanted to be a man, not that I wanted to be a woman. Up until I found this place, I thought being a woman as the only other option. Even after finding out about these other identities, I still have a hard time grasping and understanding them. Yeah, while they are just labels in a sense, they are also concepts I think I need to explore further.

VL

I hear where you are coming from.  A binary transition for a non binary is not necessarily a panacea.  Depending upon the non binary and their situation it may put them in a much more challenging place.  I and many others are trying to live and to express our identity as non binaries and in my case increasingly suspect that there is an element of gender fluidity which is situation and person dependent.  I apologise for the following ramble but your experience really triggered a whole range of thoughts and contrary emotions so I will try and apply more structure in my following posts.

As a general observation I think that society has casually gendered a whole range of inappropriate elements from leadership qualities through personality type; grooming; clothing color, style and fabric to name just a few; it is perhaps more restrictive as a genetic male non binary to find the amplitude to fully express themself.   It does appear easier to express yourself in a non binary or gender fluid manner as a genetic female non binary or as someone who has physically transitioned MTF but still has a non binary identity.

I am not sure whether you were or are on HRT, low dose or otherwise, but your comment suggested to me that you think that life might be easier if you reverted to a male presentation and just 'fought' the dysphoria.  While I have had counsellors describe folk who do just this, i know that I am not strong enough to survive my increasingly intense dysphoria without a non binary transition..  The only success that I have found is to carefully flex the low dose hrt with my endo, this achieves the emotional peace, eradication of dysphoria and relationship richness that I need;  this when complemented with nil facial and body hair; longer hair; and mild FFS or FAS (as I like to refer to it) plus more gender neutral or ambiguous accessories or clothing gets me to a far better place.  While I have not tried a full time RLE I have tried spending significant time presenting as a woman but found that I quickly tired of the performance aspect, the need to present as 100 per cent female right down to the last element of my made up face seemed inauthentic as it didn't express or reconcile with my non binary identity.

I met with my therapist yesterday.

She is lesbian and we both laughed when we found that we were wearing almost identical clothing.  Our hair was not that much different in length or cut.  Apart from my T induced frame, deeper voice and additional muscle there wasn't too much between us in terms of appearance, mannerisms, intonation etc.  But I can feel the pull of the boundaries, the edge which separates me from places that I have not yet seen or experienced. My preferred mode is almost always andro so I don't sense that I need to, or should transition MTF to, even if this could provide greater non binary options in terms of presentation and less chance of a strong negative reaction, or a dangerous situation.

I sense that I am increasingly a gender fluid non binary, but could settle on the identity of a GQ non binary or even a soul which is pursuing a MTATFTA transition.  I really don't know, but for me it is one conscious and careful step at a time, as I know that a jump or a leap towards the opposite binary will bring me unnecessary risk, discomfort and, at this time, unclear benefit. 

While my journey is challenging it is the path which feels right for me and I consider myself blessed and privileged to have the opportunity to take this journey in the company of my friends at Susans and the increasing number of friends who I have met in the flesh and to whom I have revealed my identity.

Safe travels

Aisla

Veronica, Julie, Kaelin, Tessa, Butterfly, Luna, Aisla-  this thread has value to me and to others, and every single contribution has had great power and possible repercussions on the non binary trans community in here.  I know that Ativan has also been a silent watcher and is very much enjoying the thread and every contribution, sh'e is purposely staying out of it and joyfully feeding on these posts.  And we have no clue who else is watching and gathering strength and hope.

Eventually I may have the gall to summarize key points in the thread.

And in my fluidity at the moment I am presentationally female.  The meds are working.  I couldn't believe my eyes this morning.

I woke up with the following thoughts for us:

Old business truth: Perception is Reality.  Used in management, unfortunately to posture.

Perception of who we are, perception of the stregnth of our presentation, perception of the validity of the face we give to the world to see, colors the response of those around us.  If we feel we are false, they will read false, whether false to our birth gender or false to our real gender.  Trans to me is from the inside out, not the outside in, it starts from the heart and ripples outward.  So how I feel inside about my trans nature will be how I am read.  Either as strong, weak (hence attack the weak plays out), over aggressive, dominant, wimp, secure, insecure.... we want our genuineness to be from a place of deep inner strength and peace with who we are, not who we are percieved to be, not who they want us to be, but from a fortress of knowledge of the truth of our innermost nature(s). 

Fear of rejection and the deep human need for approval can drive us to stealth, to anxiety, to forms of presentations that are not self reflecting.  Deep compassion from the inner core can drive us to gently tone down our transsexual expression around loved ones, as often the ones we married did not marry our trans presentation, did not know of the other binary components, and are deeply hurt and betrayed at having discovered that through no fault of our own, we have hit the wall of denial's end, and are driven to seek outside help or destroy ourselves as socially unacceptable. 

Not recognizing or nurturing the authentic core then causes us to rationalize and self decieve, leading to a host of disasterous results and pain, and allowing dangerous negative spiritual forces to dominate us, read that as you wish according to your own spiritual concepts.

One of the ways I have read trans in the past, pre transition, was in their overcompensation to be nice, on stage, playing a role dictated by insecurity.  Sad.  Had they just been themselves, I may not have read them at all.

So to I allow others to dominate me and dictate my presentation?   Not as much.  Validation comes from within now, but that vulnerability comes with a price and a reward.

My trans is a diamond, Satinjoy is a diamond.  Extremely valuable, rare, a gift, a vow, a marriage within.  What facet of the diamond I reveal is up to me.  It wont be to a neanderthal that wants to cut that stone to something they wont feel threatened and conflicted about being attracted to, or were taught to hate, or were taught must be modified into conformity to the insanity of cicgendered peer pressure.  I am not trusting my diamond to them.  What is show of that diamond instead is the cutting point that will slice through the bul***it of intolerance, negativity, controlling behaviors, and that point is harder than anything, having been molded by pressure and pain into something very hard, very sharp, and very real.  It lies in the tip of my tougue and my body language.

Others may see other facets, maybe the GQ facet of my nails, maybe my eyes, never my body, not now.  That is for my eyes only, and maybe someday with my sisters here, clothed of course.  The whole diamond I present to you.  I entrust my trans nature to YOU.
You and my shrink and my endo have the controls, and of course, my God has it all.

One final point and then I go on deadline again- there is presentation, and there is self expression.  They are not necessarily the same.  Self expression will be from the core, but presentation may be body armor.  There is nothing wrong with that, but it is good to have an understanding of where truth meets fiction, where protection and armor against a cruel world is just that, and when it is safe and important to roll out self  expression, which is visible authenticity at its finest.

Nails out, hair gone but wigged up right now, and heart wide open, to you my dears, to you.

May your day be a blessing for you and to those you love.

Oh by the way Aisla, after the haircut mentioned in the other thread, instead of dysphoric whiplash I see the dominant partner in a lesbian relationship looking back in the mirror.  Or the strong businessman.  What I want to percieve, I will percieve, in that application, so I am safe, no mental breakdown repeats.  Something has fundamentally changed in me and it was created by the acceptance of being fully non binary.  What a gift you have given to me by tracking me down in the mtf forum and bringing me in here.

Love to all here, and to our silent watchers, join us, have peace you are not alone.

Keep the posts rolling Men and Women of trans, don't let me be the last one here, please.  We are helping others.

Quote from: Satinjoy on June 26, 2014, 07:11:15 AM

Fear of rejection and the deep human need for approval can drive us to stealth, to anxiety, to forms of presentations that are not self reflecting.  Deep compassion from the inner core can drive us to gently tone down our transsexual expression around loved ones, as often the ones we married did not marry our trans presentation, did not know of the other binary components, and are deeply hurt and betrayed at having discovered that through no fault of our own, we have hit the wall of denial's end, and are driven to seek outside help or destroy ourselves as socially unacceptable. 

This is so much a summary of my position that I'm going to steal it and use it someday.  :)

When I think of where I stand currently, hormonally more female than male, emotionally headed that way, yet socially and presentation wise mostly male (with  shaped brows, no beard, hair as long as I can get away with for my profession), it really is a subtle mix that's probably more male andro.  I am content as is, but may end up bouncing one way or the other depending on circumstances.

This thread has been thought provoking - navigating to a point where one is happy or content mentally, physically, and socially requires careful consideration and exploration.  For those who are in a position or are binary, all three line up easily, but for others, that may not be the case.

Quote from: Satinjoy - luna nyan on June 26, 2014, 08:20:59 AM

Satinjoy
"Fear of rejection and the deep human need for approval can drive us to stealth, to anxiety, to forms of presentations that are not self reflecting.  Deep compassion from the inner core can drive us to gently tone down our transsexual expression around loved ones, as often the ones we married did not marry our trans presentation, did not know of the other binary components, and are deeply hurt and betrayed at having discovered that through no fault of our own, we have hit the wall of denial's end, and are driven to seek outside help or destroy ourselves as socially unacceptable."

Luna
This is so much a summary of my position that I'm going to steal it and use it someday.  :)
...
This thread has been thought provoking - navigating to a point where one is happy or content mentally, physically, and socially requires careful consideration and exploration.  For those who are in a position or are binary, all three line up easily, but for others, that may not be the case.

All - Maybe me too, I really thought that I had banished the guy in me - but maybe not so much, to my great surprise.
Have I told you people lately that I love you?  Because I truly do.  :-*

Julie

I just have to say how much I respect and love you all.  Your compassion, enquiry, availability and authenticity is truly humbling.   Your ability to take a poorly formed idea, shape it, polish it, cut it and achieve diamond like clarity is a rare thing indeed.   I often learn more on one thread in one day in Susans than I have learned  in many years of dysphoric stress and confusion.

I am absorbing much, learning greatly and growing in self knowledge, acceptance and love.

Thank you all.   I am blessed indeed.

Safe travels

Aisla

I can't add anything to this thread that hasn't already been said other than just be real! Be outwardly to others what you are inwardly to yourself. There are no secrets, others can often see through other people's propensities for self delusion and outward deception when they aren't being real.

Aisla, while I did fight the dysphoria while in denial mode, I haven't fought it non-binary mode just yet. I actually did put up a pretty good fight in denial mode, I could even get to a place where I could not have these thoughts for months sometimes. I can't really go back there now after all I've been through. I have a different tool to fight it now as well, I really just don't want to go back to dressing as a woman every chance I get, if it means every moment of free time is at home. I have been progressively making my guy mode more and more androgynous, as well, and am fairly comfortable with the slightly androgynous guy look. While fluidity has it's benefits, at this point , I am also seeing it's negatives. Not being in a position to answer the door at every given moment is just one of them...

It means having the freedom to be myself and do exactly what I know I need to do in order to be happy, and being unashamed of it.

VL

This is a good outcome. Ymmv and my narrative or experience is not necessarily going to be similar to yours

However I have found that very low dose hrt reduced my overpowering dysphoria to a dull or manageable background noise and with a  slight increase obtained immense relief and wellness with a complete dysphoria shut down. At either level physical changes were minor but positive and a more andro presentation provided further benefit

So short comment longer if a more andro presentation isn't quite enough very low dose hrt may be and so could then be worth discussing with your endo.

Safe travels

Aisla

I think there's an ethical dimension to authenticity - that it's not simply ourselves we're benefitting by being authentic. I've noticed that being my true self out loud gives other people more permission to be their true selves out loud too (because they can see that I've chosen to be so and nothing bad happened in consequence). So many people, whether trans* or not, are afraid to be and show their true selves. I gave up on "passing" when I stopped trying to "pass" as a man, and having to field the occasional daft question ("When are you going to start wearing women's clothes?" "Three years ago. Not all women's clothes are feminine. Next question?") has been a small price to pay.

And I think authenticity is a learning process - as we get to know ourselves better and better, we're more and more free to make choices about how we express ourselves in our actions and so on. And there's definitely room in that for self-preservation.

For me authenticity is be myself. But sometime its hard be authentical

Quote from: VeronicaLynn on June 26, 2014, 10:15:48 PM
Aisla, while I did fight the dysphoria while in denial mode, I haven't fought it non-binary mode just yet. I actually did put up a pretty good fight in denial mode, I could even get to a place where I could not have these thoughts for months sometimes. I can't really go back there now after all I've been through. I have a different tool to fight it now as well, I really just don't want to go back to dressing as a woman every chance I get, if it means every moment of free time is at home. I have been progressively making my guy mode more and more androgynous, as well, and am fairly comfortable with the slightly androgynous guy look. While fluidity has it's benefits, at this point , I am also seeing it's negatives. Not being in a position to answer the door at every given moment is just one of them...

I have to make this quick I am in a hostile environment

I have several components

mtf physical with significant dysphoric needs for the body
gender neutral core
gender fluid self expression, depending on mood and center and safety
genderqueer social expression.
All are authentic, all are real, all are components of me, pulled out through therapy and Susan's to reveal the truth of who I am

I do not fear my physical dysphoria nor progression as I have accepted fully my entire non binary nature.  This is not forced, it is a discovery of the truth.

Acceptance is key.  Thank you Miss Julie.

Accepting my wifes comfort zone, my own comfort zone, and the gift of where they come together as one, is the key to enduring marriage.

Then joy is to come.  As to hormones, I am loaded with estrogen, without it I will go insane.  It did not change my core, it did change my body, which I keep from full revelation to my wife, I hide my breasts....but other than greater emotional sensitivity it did not change who I am.

Your levels will be as per your needs.  I need full mtf dosage, yet I am not going to full time transition or transition from the neck up.

So long as my wife does not perceive me as female I am ok.  I have told her I am half male half female, due to birth anomaly cuased by the DES meds my mother took while I was in utero.  I don't know what would work for you. 

These were the keys for me.

I do not fight my dysphoria, I learn about it, understand it, steer it and run with it the same way I would race a 500 HP car, not hitting the brakes, learning where it wants to go, learning how far to push it and when to lift, and respecting all of its great power, to avoid the walls and finish the race.

Hang in there.  Blessings to you.  There are more in here with intact and happy marriages that are also authentic in their trans spirits.

Quote from: Aisla on June 26, 2014, 11:16:26 PM
VL

This is a good outcome. Ymmv and my narrative or experience is not necessarily going to be similar to yours

However I have found that very low dose hrt reduced my overpowering dysphoria to a dull or manageable background noise and with a  slight increase obtained immense relief and wellness with a complete dysphoria shut down.

I want a good outcome. I will keep your lose dose hrt suggestion in mind, but I don't think I need it, though I am glad it helped you.

Where I really want to go with this is back to not caring about conforming to gender roles, or any other stupidity. They are stupid, I don't really want to trade the stupid "man code" for the even stupider "girl code."  I want to dress how I feel like dressing, say what I feel like saying, and not care who doesn't like it once again. I was there once, long ago, I will get there again, and I will know better than to "man up" ever again.

Satinjoy, I do not (yet) have a wife, so I also have to have consideration that women like men, and those that don't generally like cis-women. I haven't even been open to relationships in quite some time, mainly because I am not wanting someone I only care for slightly to influence the direction I go with this. I'm almost ready for one though, still need to work out how I am going to play this...

Good stuff VL.  Peice of advice though I seem to be off a little tonight, make sure you present the genuine you when approaching potential mates.  The feeling of betrayal my wife went through when i had  to surrender to who i am was extremely unpleasant to say the least.  Fortunately she knew I crossdressed before marriage, but we both thought that I had "beat it."

How wrong we both were...

Quote from: Satinjoy on June 27, 2014, 09:47:06 PM
Good stuff VL.  Peice of advice though I seem to be off a little tonight, make sure you present the genuine you when approaching potential mates.  The feeling of betrayal my wife went through when i had  to surrender to who i am was extremely unpleasant to say the least.  Fortunately she knew I crossdressed before marriage, but we both thought that I had "beat it."

How wrong we both were...

I've read enough of your posts to know I don't want to get into that type of situation. While actually admitting it, and exactly how to, and when to is going to be something new, the girls that I have ended up with have almost always been bisexual, so that has not been an issue I run into, though I will be careful with those that are not.

Hi all

Just want to thank everyone for posting on this thread.  I wound up reading it over again, and there is so much benefit in it for so many of us, it really is a gift for this to be out there to help our brothers and sisters of trans.

Love to all.

God Bless.  Nails still broke off from construction work, hair still 1200 miles from here, and laughing all the way about it.  No dysphoric backlash, something is working right here.

But the posts in this thread have been totally outstanding, every one of them.  I am so grateful for this.

:)

This was a memorable topic for me.  Bringing forward for newbies, it was based on a word from Julie, and that word or fundamental trans culture changed everything and caught fire in here, kindling passion, self worth, and truth.

To me being authentic is pretty much synonymous with being uninhibited. To just feel something and act on it. Raw, human honesty.

reading my old posts feels kinda embarrassing.  Change happens.

Authenticity to me means daring to be me.  It means stripping away pretense and being transparent and raw here on the boards.  Being ready with an explanation of why I am different and why there is nothing shameful or nuts about being transgender.

It is about truth.  Once authentic to self, it becomes about courage and compassion, and I suspect eventually it becomes about influence, changing others perception of nonbinary transexuals or binary transsexuals, and overcoming obstacles with the shear strength of who we are.

I am getting there, socially genderqueer, but still cant bring Satinjoy in full presentation to the street.  I can bring her out in an andro presentation, but not full on, and it is getting harder and harder to have this beard.

Authenticity is so important to me.  Maybe too important, since when I am not feeling totally authentic, I feel "less than".  But if I can stand up for myself as a transgendered person, a transsexual non binary, and flat out say it, feel it as my center, this is a huge step forward.  Owning it.

Yes bottom line is Be Real folks! Something I've been working on for a long, long time!

authenticity is a little difficult for me.
i can be me, verily and honestly.
but i have some rather negative sides that wouldn't be too good to express even halfway.
expressing myself and being more honest about myself has helped turning darkness into something more like shadows.
but when i'm being cornered, i really have troubles being authentic.
demon isn't a permissible identity irl.

other than that, being real in all other aspects, is good. very good.
particularly being open about weakness, makes life easier to live without feeling like it's trying to kill me.

to me, it's letting go of control
control stifles, is protective, tries to be superior, and is a bit overbearing
Lack of authenticity; one doesn't laugh much, takes oneself overly serious
Living on a pedestal of (expression: put on a pedestal) or above everyone else

Once the control is gone, the real emerges
the real and true is good and bad
but at least one feels natural and spontaneous
more effortless and free flowing
less puffed up and more down to earth

real and out-of-control, spontaneous

Quote from: Kendall on December 05, 2014, 10:02:32 PM
to me, it's letting go of control
control stifles, is protective, tries to be superior, and is a bit overbearing
Lack of authenticity; one doesn't laugh much, takes oneself overly serious
Living on a pedestal of (expression: put on a pedestal) or above everyone else

Once the control is gone, the real emerges
the real and true is good and bad
but at least one feels natural and spontaneous
more effortless and free flowing
less puffed up and more down to earth

real and out-of-control, spontaneous

Beautifully put.  I think that recovering spontaneity is one of the true gifts.  I hadn't realized how bound up I was trying to live my life within the expectations that I set as boundaries until I finally walked on the ocean beach in a two piece swimsuit and a sarong.  Completely spontaneous, and completely free.

Julie

I'm inclined to think that "authenticity" means different things in different circumstances.

Right now, for me, authenticity means being my whole self.

It means reclaiming the pieces of myself that I discarded as not acceptable to the people who had power over me (and whose views I adopted in the hopes of surviving.)  And the pieces I locked away so those same powers couldn't torment or profane them.  And the pieces I left behind in my various flights from places suddenly become dangerous, left behind because I could not save them all and so had to pick and choose which of my children/selves/shards to save and which to abandon.

Quote from: Asche on December 26, 2014, 06:59:42 PM
I'm inclined to think that "authenticity" means different things in different circumstances.

Right now, for me, authenticity means being my whole self.

It means reclaiming the pieces of myself that I discarded as not acceptable to the people who had power over me (and whose views I adopted in the hopes of surviving.)  And the pieces I locked away so those same powers couldn't torment or profane them.  And the pieces I left behind in my various flights from places suddenly become dangerous, left behind because I could not save them all and so had to pick and choose which of my children/selves/shards to save and which to abandon.

Ashe,
As you often do, you have hit on something fundamental.  Choice is integral to an authentic life.  We must constantly triage ourselves, and constantly forgive ourselves from our own mistakes.  I reread this entire thread this afternoon.  Some of the authors are no longer participating.  It is not a sadness, it is a choice and I know that they thrive.  What to retain?  What to discard?  Today I retain these thoughts.
Peace,
Julie

Standing up for and living out your truth, from the core, living a life worthy of living, harming no one, taking crap from no one, and loving unconditionally from the guts, if that is who you are in your core.  Authenticity is genuineness, transparency, courage, life, throwing away masks and daring the status quo to be who you are, not who peer pressure or fear says you are, but living true, being the whole of who you are, without reservation.  Only if another will be harmed will I back off, only if it causes pain or fear, but there will be learning and explanations and gentle nudges towards acceptance if that is needed, until a new understanding is reached, and bigotry or peer pressure is no longer tolerated but revealed as the evil that it is, a force of untruth, denial and damage.

But its a long process to get there, to reach this place.  It comes at a high cost, but is it worth paying?

It is if it is done right, it is not if it is driven by self.  What is driven by love endures, survives, and flourishes.

Are you driven by self?  Or by love?  By fear or courage?  By hiding or by authenticity?  By the shear force of the good of all trans or by old ideas that have outlived their time?

Blessings my dears.  My time in here is limited, it is nice to stop by.