Susan's Place Transgender Resources

2 weeks left and i feel like crying. the that thought that i may not get a straight answer or that what i feel is has become invalid and i'm nothing more than a moth. that sneaking thought i may never achieve this goal of being happy. i just feel pathetic and helpless like a kitten in a box left out in the rain. i was fine 2 weeks ago but now i'm back on the edge, struggling just to keep from breaking down. at least my intense hunger disappeared. i feel like i;m just a dreaming caterpillar who wishes to be a butterfly but is only destined to die like a moth in fire. why does this always happen whenever i start to feel a little happy

Keep up ,you must try to focus on the bright things.Not always go things as we planned,not to speak of hoped.
Hold a shield over the kitten and dry her :) That make her purr.

One day at a time, Brianna, one day at a time.

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on June 27, 2014, 02:09:21 AM
2 weeks left and i feel like crying. the that thought that i may not get a straight answer or that what i feel is has become invalid and i'm nothing more than a moth. that sneaking thought i may never achieve this goal of being happy. i just feel pathetic and helpless like a kitten in a box left out in the rain. i was fine 2 weeks ago but now i'm back on the edge, struggling just to keep from breaking down. at least my intense hunger disappeared. i feel like i;m just a dreaming caterpillar who wishes to be a butterfly but is only destined to die like a moth in fire. why does this always happen whenever i start to feel a little happy

Crying is a good way to let out pent up emotions, anxiety and sometimes just plain makes you feel better afterward. Anxiety sux, no way around that. What if? is a question that will drive you nuts if you focus too much on it. But that what if can go the other way too.

Like Ms Grace said, one day at a time. Focus on the day in the present and try to make it a good day.

i guess i'm just getting cold feet. funny really. i was never really able to cry. when i do i cry until i cry blood. i just want to be able to experience happiness. to laugh, to cry, and eventually love. its just that sneaking thought is popping up as if i made a terrible, deadly mistake. its frustrating

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on June 27, 2014, 02:00:33 PM
i guess i'm just getting cold feet. funny really. i was never really able to cry. when i do i cry until i cry blood. i just want to be able to experience happiness. to laugh, to cry, and eventually love. its just that sneaking thought is popping up as if i made a terrible, deadly mistake. its frustrating

There are deadly mistakes hon. Making the wrong turn in a city that you are unfamiliar with. Roadside ambushes while in the military without proper intel. Playing with a rattlesnake. Chasing tornadoes and making a wrong turn. And quite a few others.

With that said Brianna, you sometimes have to make your own happiness. It is out there and a lot of times we can't even see it. Love too hon, love is out there and comes from totally unexpected places. I don't want to compare them to fairytales but sometimes we expect way too much and we have to be prepared to recieve it as well as give it. If we aren't prepared to recieve it, we are not prepared to give it and we will never recognize it when it is a possiblility. Love will not slap you in the face and scream, "hey stupid, I'm right here!!!" Chances are it will be subtle in the way of someone sharing the same interests as you. It will generally be a slow process when it comes to real love and not just in the moment one night stand love, "cause that usually ain't love. You have to be open to it though. And open minded. And no shame for who may love you or you may love. No rules, all is fair in love and war. I know you've heard that one before and I find it more true than just an old wive's tale.

Cold feet? That is for the winter months when you wear the wrong shoes in the snow. Really hon stop second guessing yourself. Focus on a goal. Know what you want and go with that.

I go really dark sometimes as my choice. I wallow there like a pig in the mud, pick up negativity and that sometimes leads to a sort of creativity and then have to crawl myself out of the depths of hell. Once you learn how to do it, it gets rather easy.

Brianna If you are actually crying blood in a literal sence, you need to see a doctor about it. If the tears are blood something isn't quite right and could point to something else healthwise.

The decision to break this cycle is all yours. If you want to wallow in sadness the rest of your life that is on you. Many here have given you great suggestions and advice since you have joined, me included, but my patience is running a little thin right now. You have been given the go ahead letter for HRT. Either use it and break the cycle of your life and grow or don't. You have not been happy with your life pre HRT what is it going to hurt to take the step to go HRT and try to move on? It is totally up to you at this point. Call it tough love or whatever, but poopie or get off the toilet.

i've been crushed like a wet piece of paper or a dried up fall leaf so give me credit for even making it this far without taking my life because i'm being fought at every angle. of course i've been given to go ahead but its not enough for me. like i said before, if my psychiatrist doesnt clear me, i'm not going for HRT until he does. you've all told me to slow down, but i was stubborn, now i'm taking the advice and really going through whats important and what can wait. i know this personally because time literally is getting away from me when i stop and focus. literally i feel like it was only yesterday my long month began for my first HRT appointment and now its only 2 weeks away. i'm not wallowing, i'm just sharing and being open and honest about how i feel because i cant see my therapist until mid to late july. i'm not giving up because this is something i should of done when i was 15 so i'm in it for the long haul. it feels like i'm skating up hill, htats all. i knew it wouldnt be easy but dysphoria can crush even superman.

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on June 27, 2014, 03:32:58 PM
i've been crushed like a wet piece of paper or a dried up fall leaf so give me credit for even making it this far without taking my life because i'm being fought at every angle. of course i've been given to go ahead but its not enough for me.

I have given you credit and support both in the forum and private PMs have I not? You are just never going to move on and get better if you don't make a decision on what you want in life. The decisions are yours, not someone else's such as a Psychiatrist, Psychologist, etc. You need to sit down and make a decision at this point and stick with it. If you are in a bad position do something about it as you are old enough to decide the course of your life now. None of us have the perfect time or opportunity to transition, but we made the decision and are forging ahead because of responsibility to ourselves. All of us skate uphill, but the strong don't stop and think about it losing momentum after getting permission to go for it. Break this vicious circle now or you never will.  :)

Okay Brianna it is good that you are waiting for clearance from your psychiatrist before you start. While we want/need it some of us do need help on the journey particularly at the start.  It is always darkest before the dawn but look at your ticker see it is slowly counting down so your almost there. 14 more sleeps that's all,  you can do it step by step day by day. You will get there in the end I know you will.

Quote from: immortal gypsy on June 27, 2014, 03:51:09 PM
Okay Brianna it is good that you are waiting for clearance from your psychiatrist before you start. While we want/need it some of us do need help on the journey particularly at the start.  It is always darkest before the dawn but look at your ticker see it is slowly counting down so your almost there. 14 more sleeps that's all,  you can do it step by step day by day. You will get there in the end I know you will.

your comment reminded me of a song i heard. imma use it as inspiration now lol
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbN0nX61rIs

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 27, 2014, 03:47:24 PM
I have given you credit and support both in the forum and private PMs have I not? You are just never going to move on and get better if you don't make a decision on what you want in life. The decisions are yours, not someone else's such as a Psychiatrist, Psychologist, etc. You need to sit down and make a decision at this point and stick with it. If you are in a bad position do something about it as you are old enough to decide the course of your life now. None of us have the perfect time or opportunity to transition, but we made the decision and are forging ahead because of responsibility to ourselves. All of us skate uphill, but the strong don't stop and think about it losing momentum after getting permission to go for it. Break this vicious circle now or you never will.  :)

i have to keep reminding myself of the qoute on my signature. its hard because this is something that completely bypassed all my defenses and went straight for my emotional and mental state.

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on June 27, 2014, 04:02:12 PM
i have to keep reminding myself of the qoute on my signature. its hard because this is something that completely bypassed all my defenses and went straight for my emotional and mental state.

It happens! If you haven't read mine do it. I live it every day.  :)

i feel like i'l never get my mom on my side as long as my lawyer is adamant on not hindering me. i know she is on my side and wants me to get what i deserve but no matter how much i explain. i just hate going behind my mother and lawyer's back

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 27, 2014, 04:07:53 PM
It happens! If you haven't read mine do it. I live it every day.  :)

I don't want to hijack Brianna's thread but I just have to say Jessica that you are one helluva woman and an extrememly genuine good person. And from me, just thanx for being who you are and here. I may break down one day and I find comfort that you are here. If ever you need a shoulder feel free to use mine. I don't break often, but when I did a little while ago, all I got to say is those few words meant a lot and helped.

BTW Brianna. I thought you were the Princess of Darkness. That video? Even with the party hon she has nothing of Evenescense. So I guess I get to keep the title of Princess of Darkness huh? ;) Or at my age The Queen of Darkness. ::) God I wish I could be young again. :-\

Brianna, a very wise person said:

you are in control of your own life. you make your own destiny and control your own fate. no one can tell you that you cant be who you want to be. i'm learning this myself and its hard but its not impossible. choosing to be happy has never felt better, for we all deserve to be as happy as the next person. dont let no one tell you otherwise for those who do tell you that you should live an empty life are those who are empty themselves. dont use suicide as a means to a temporary state of mind. you deserve to be happy no matter what you decide. live and keep moving and never stop to take a second thought.











(donchya jus hate it when people use yer own words against ya?)    and I wasn't kidding about words from a wise person.

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on June 27, 2014, 04:32:54 PM
i feel like i'l never get my mom on my side as long as my lawyer is adamant on not hindering me.

Huh?  ??? Don't follow you here.  ???

Quote from: Paula Christine on June 27, 2014, 04:42:04 PM
Brianna, a very wise person said:

you are in control of your own life. you make your own destiny and control your own fate. no one can tell you that you cant be who you want to be. i'm learning this myself and its hard but its not impossible. choosing to be happy has never felt better, for we all deserve to be as happy as the next person. dont let no one tell you otherwise for those who do tell you that you should live an empty life are those who are empty themselves. dont use suicide as a means to a temporary state of mind. you deserve to be happy no matter what you decide. live and keep moving and never stop to take a second thought.


Hmmm, where have I heard that before?

o.o OMG! cant believe you used that on me xD no no no no no! so mean xD but yes, i need to learn to take my own advice xD

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 27, 2014, 04:42:56 PM
Huh?  ??? Don't follow you here.  ???

i was just mumbling. my mother is supportive but she not letting me transition unless my lawyer says i can so really i'm sneaking behind her back

Quote from: Jess42 on June 27, 2014, 04:41:50 PM
I don't want to hijack Brianna's thread but I just have to say Jessica that you are one helluva woman and an extrememly genuine good person.

Thanks!  :) I didn't use to be. I am just trying to earn redemption now.  :embarrassed:

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on June 27, 2014, 04:45:04 PM
my mother is supportive but she not letting me transition unless my lawyer says i can

I am really confused now.  ??? ??? ??? What say does a lawyer have in YOUR transition? Are you a ward of the State? ???

"take tiny steps. dont stop moving. you can do it because i believe in you"


We all believe in you.


Sorry for quoting you, ahhhhh, no I'm not..   ;)    Believe you will find your answer, we do.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 27, 2014, 04:47:21 PM
I am really confused now.  ??? ??? ??? What say does a lawyer have in YOUR transition? Are you a ward of the State? ???

no lol. i've been out of the system since i was 14 lol. i have a case against the state so my lawyer needs me to focus on the case, and if i say i'm transgendered, that just kills me because they'll say you enjoyed the abuse. since my lawyer knows, she doesnt want me to transition because if they find out, its over

Quote from: Paula Christine on June 27, 2014, 04:48:10 PM
"take tiny steps. dont stop moving. you can do it because i believe in you"


We all believe in you.


Sorry for quoting you, ahhhhh, no I'm not..   ;)    Believe you will find your answer, we do.

your badass for doing that lol. but i know, i shouldnt stop moving for if i do i'll become afraid. ah, sometimes i wonder why they took bleach off the air. i learned that quote from zangetsu when ichigo became afraid and was nearly killed by kisuke urahara lol

*giggles*  I love playin' dirty!    Buck up cowgirl!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyNKv9vdUi4

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on June 27, 2014, 04:49:50 PM
no lol. i've been out of the system since i was 14 lol. i have a case against the state so my lawyer needs me to focus on the case, and if i say i'm transgendered, that just kills me because they'll say you enjoyed the abuse. since my lawyer knows, she doesnt want me to transition because if they find out, its over

I would find another lawyer, this one is nuts. Being trans or not has no legal bearing on the outcome of an abuse case at all. Did he graduate Law School or is he an intern of some kind? I am no stranger to court rooms being a Deputy Sheriff and this does not track at all. A smart Lawyer would say look what the abuse did to you or something like that and bring your mental history and Therapy attempts into it. (No one jump me for this as it is only court room strategy and not anything else, OK).

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 27, 2014, 05:04:11 PM
I would find another lawyer, this one is nuts. Being trans or not has no legal bearing on the outcome of an abuse case at all. Did he graduate Law School or is he an intern of some kind? I am no stranger to court rooms being a Deputy Sheriff and this does not track at all. A smart Lawyer would say look what the abuse did to you or something like that and bring your mental history and Therapy attempts into it. (No one jump me for this as it is only court room strategy and not anything else, OK).

she is understands. i originally had her for my SSI case but than my mother brought up another case so she took me on with it. i told her and my mother many times this wont affect me but my lawyer is scared and doesnt know anything about trans for i'm her first trans client. the opposing lawyers will take me being trans as a scam and i want to be a women because i was abused so my lawyer is being over protective

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on June 27, 2014, 05:18:23 PM
i originally had her for my SSI case but than my mother brought up another case so she took me on with it.

I see the problem now. She is an SSI lawyer, not a criminal lawyer. Your lawyer is way in over her head on this. Not every lawyer is meant for a criminal case. Not having any court room experience, knowledge of trans issue's and concealing crucial evidence will hurt your case a lot. I hope it works out for you though. Take care.  :)

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 27, 2014, 05:26:55 PM
I see the problem now. She is an SSI lawyer, not a criminal lawyer. Your lawyer is way in over her head on this. Not every lawyer is meant for a criminal case. Not having any court room experience, knowledge of trans issue's and concealing crucial evidence will hurt your case a lot. I hope it works out for you though. Take care.  :)

this is a civil matter not a criminal matter. idk, all i know is that this isnt going to cripple me. if i have to hide and transition, i will. i cant leave like this anymore. with all my appearances done, i dont need to appear before them anymore. i dont know any other details but appears that she wins almost all of her cases. she is a seasoned lawyer but she just doesnt know about transgendered people as i'm her first.

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on June 27, 2014, 04:32:54 PM
i feel like i'l never get my mom on my side as long as my lawyer is adamant on not hindering me. i know she is on my side and wants me to get what i deserve but no matter how much i explain. i just hate going behind my mother and lawyer's back

Hey girl I know you don't like lying but remember what I told you before. Just because when we live with our parents we have to play by house rules dosen't mean we are not allowed to cheat once and awhile. You have to be your number on priority, think of this as a distortion of the truth for a legitamate cause.

Quote from: immortal gypsy on June 27, 2014, 05:46:01 PM
Hey girl I know you don't like lying but remember what I told you before. Just because when we live with our parents we have to play by house rules dosen't mean we are not allowed to cheat once and awhile. You have to be your number on priority, think of this as a distortion of the truth for a legitamate cause.

true. i hate to do it to her but since shes' a workaholic i could get away but unlike other parents who leave their children alone, she does search my room from time to time of makes me clean it while she is watching. my mother is like the most overpotective and some time over demanding person in the world but i love her to pieces so it kinda make me feel wrong that i have to sneak behind her back.