Susan's Place Transgender Resources

How did you all gather up the courage to go out wearing femme attire for the first time?
I'm going to a concert soon, and I want to wear an outfit that is pretty obviously female. The concert is Against Me!, and the singer is a transwoman, so I figure that anyone going to the show will be supportive and accepting. Also, I'm going with friends who accept me completely, and who have seen me in dresses already. So everything is sort of perfect for going out in public for the first time, but I still have a bit of nerves about it. :/

Dress for the occasion, wear what a woman of your age would wear at the event.
Read up on proper shaving, you need a really close shave, especially if you have dark facial hair.
Read up on colour correction and proper makeup procedure, foundation, powder, and all the rest.
Wear your head up high, shoulders back, feet straight front and walk in a straight line with minimal bounce up/down.
Smile and enjoy yourself, if you look like you are having fun and are confident then others will smile back and have fun with you.

It gets so much easier after the first time, that first step out the door is the hardest, everything after it gets easier.

I saw Against Me! a while ago but I went in boy mode. There were loads of trans people there though and they all seemed to be having a good time. I definitely regret not working up the courage. Don't let nerves get to you. Just do it and you'll probably be grateful afterwards. They're amazing live btw you'll have a blast!

But to answer your question about working up the courage to go out en femme the first time? Well, I thought about how much I admired openly trans people and how if I had the courage I'd live like that too instead of letting other people's narrow mindedness dictate who I am. I knew what I had to do to become the kind of person I admired but I lacked the courage... except I did it anyway because I knew it was the right thing to do but honestly I was terrified. The night before I was crying because I was worried about what would happen to me. Then on the day I was shaking as I put on my make-up and I kept opening the front door and then closing it again and pacing but I vowed myself that today was the day so I left anyway. As I walked past the first few people I was half-expecting trouble but no one lynched me. Then a few minutes later something terrible happened... someone looked at me... with their eyes! Seriously though, I think I got a kind of disapproving stare and I started to feel like a freak and wanted to run home and try to pretend to be a dude again but I just kept taking it one step at a time and by the time I'd gotten downtown I'd relaxed and then I began feeling triumphant. Which should be a silly way to feel for walking to a store to buy some clothes but with society's expectations being what they are it's definitely a rite of passage for a trans girl. Anyways, I bought some new clothes and got a bus back home. It was completely uneventful. Turned out there was nothing to fear.

That first time was about half a year ago now and I've been full time for a bit over a month and no one has given me any trouble. The worst that ever happens is I occasionally notice 'the look' although even that seems to happen less now as I gain confidence. It's not really a terrible price to pay for being able to actually be yourself though, is it? An occasional stare from some powerless observer. I've been too busy looking forwards to reflect on the past much but I've just realised that psychologically I've actually made incredible progress in 6 months. I'm so much calmer and confident now. The point not being "whoo! look at what a badass I am" but that if even someone as shy and nervous as me can make that first step then so can anyone. Like Antonia said the first step is the hardest. Everything gets so much easier so quickly after that.

Best advice for going out for the first time is basically just to do it in a safe place where you know nobody is going to care even if they are clocking you, and just do it and get it over with.

Transition is like learning to play an instrument. You only get better at it by doing it. And you can't expect everything to be perfect in the very beginning. But it's one of those things that you just have to do, accept it for what it is, expect that you're probably not going to pass perfectly right off the bat, and try to enjoy yourself in the meantime.

The first time going out is pretty much guaranteed to be both terrifying and exhilarating. Terrifying because you're probably going to be worried about people staring and judging you, exhilarating because it's such a freaking relief when you finally get over that mental barrier and just go out as yourself and for the first time feel like you're living authentically.

Go out, have fun, and enjoy the moment! It's scary as hell, but trust me, you'll remember it forever. :)

Quote from: Jessica-Louise on July 01, 2014, 12:24:05 AM
I saw Against Me! a while ago but I went in boy mode. There were loads of trans people there though and they all seemed to be having a good time. I definitely regret not working up the courage. Don't let nerves get to you. Just do it and you'll probably be grateful afterwards. They're amazing live btw you'll have a blast!

But to answer your question about working up the courage to go out en femme the first time? Well, I thought about how much I admired openly trans people and how if I had the courage I'd live like that too instead of letting other people's narrow mindedness dictate who I am. I knew what I had to do to become the kind of person I admired but I lacked the courage... except I did it anyway because I knew it was the right thing to do but honestly I was terrified. The night before I was crying because I was worried about what would happen to me. Then on the day I was shaking as I put on my make-up and I kept opening the front door and then closing it again and pacing but I vowed myself that today was the day so I left anyway. As I walked past the first few people I was half-expecting trouble but no one lynched me. Then a few minutes later something terrible happened... someone looked at me... with their eyes! Seriously though, I think I got a kind of disapproving stare and I started to feel like a freak and wanted to run home and try to pretend to be a dude again but I just kept taking it one step at a time and by the time I'd gotten downtown I'd relaxed and then I began feeling triumphant. Which should be a silly way to feel for walking to a store to buy some clothes but with society's expectations being what they are it's definitely a rite of passage for a trans girl. Anyways, I bought some new clothes and got a bus back home. It was completely uneventful. Turned out there was nothing to fear.

That first time was about half a year ago now and I've been full time for a bit over a month and no one has given me any trouble. The worst that ever happens is I occasionally notice 'the look' although even that seems to happen less now as I gain confidence. It's not really a terrible price to pay for being able to actually be yourself though, is it? An occasional stare from some powerless observer. I've been too busy looking forwards to reflect on the past much but I've just realised that psychologically I've actually made incredible progress in 6 months. I'm so much calmer and confident now. The point not being "whoo! look at what a badass I am" but that if even someone as shy and nervous as me can make that first step then so can anyone. Like Antonia said the first step is the hardest. Everything gets so much easier so quickly after that.

I am in the same spot as Jen and I just wanted to thank you for this. It was very helpful and motivational to read. (:

You are going to see Against Me!!!???

Oh my god I am so jealous of you right now D:

I live in the UK, they never tour her :(

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway, back to the question at hand.

Going out in female mode for the first time is always going to be terrifying. Your brain will constantly make you think that you will be clocked and/or abused at every turn. There isn't really anything you can say or do to stop yourself from having these fears.

But it's what you do with these fears that matters.

You need to say to yourself "Yeah...I'm terrified...but I have to do this"

From then on it's just determination and friends.

(If it helps, I wrote about my first time out in public here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,162797.0.html )

Half the battle is reduced since you are going with supportive friends, another plus is going to the proper venue and event, the rest is look cute, smile and have a good time :)

Chances are, it won't be nearly as bad as you think it will be-that's how it was for me, that's how it's been for every trans* friend I have.  I think the key is just to remind yourself that nothing is going to be perfect, but to keep your head held high nonetheless.  Not to be a downer, but unless you're a wizard with a makeup brush, you aren't going to pass your first time.  It won't matter, anyways-you'll be scared, but thrilled, happy, and at peace too.  You do need to prepare yourself for the occasional sideways glance-but besides that, you'll be fine!

Besides, your going to an Against Me! concert-everyone there will either be queer, accepting, or too drunk/stoned to care!  Best of luck to you, hon!  Keep your chin up, and enjoy the plunge!

Quote from: Jessica-Louise on July 01, 2014, 12:24:05 AM
I saw Against Me! a while ago but I went in boy mode. There were loads of trans people there though and they all seemed to be having a good time. I definitely regret not working up the courage.

This helped a lot. I know myself, and I know how much I will regret not doing this. You all are so great and supportive here, thanks so much! :)

Quote from: Danniella on July 01, 2014, 12:56:46 AM
You are going to see Against Me!!!???

Oh my god I am so jealous of you right now D:

I live in the UK, they never tour her :(

Yeah, I am soooo excited. I've been a huge fan even before Laura came out, so the band is inspiring to me on so many levels. And I missed Laura on her solo tour last year due to prior obligations :( but yeah, I'm so excited. I hope to meet them all >:D

Jen-

It's what others have said - you just have to screw up your courage and take that first step outside the door. The first time for me I was running on pure adrenaline and that actually made it easier.

Wear clothes that are age appropriate and won't make you stand out. Practice on your makeup ahead of time and just accept that it most likely won't be perfect; think conservative - no green hair or fuchsia eye shadow. It'll be dark so no one will notice anyway. Know that people may clock you but honestly who cares? You will never see them again anyway so to heck with them. Don't wear uncomfortable shoes since you will probably be doing a fair amount of walking and heels can begin to kill your feet really, really quickly.

Think like a female regarding safety - don't drink too much and always be aware of your surroundings. If possible have a female friend be with you when you visit the bathroom or the concession stand - there is safety in numbers. Practice proper bathroom etiquette in the ladies room in order to lend in there too. I would sit just like the ladies do so that the sounds are normal and the footwear that may be visible under the stall door is pointing the right way.

You will be with friends and that's a HUGE help.  I met two friends my first time and after about 20 minutes I had totally forgotten that I was in a public bar dressed as a girl. It was just natural and normal.

And remember to enjoy the experience and have fun!!!!!  :)

Quote from: Jen♀ on July 06, 2014, 09:36:28 PM
This helped a lot. I know myself, and I know how much I will regret not doing this. You all are so great and supportive here, thanks so much! :)

Sorry to resurrect an old thread but I'm curious; did you ever go to Against Me? Did you go as yourself? How was it?

Quote from: Cenedra on July 01, 2014, 12:31:48 AM
I am in the same spot as Jen and I just wanted to thank you for this. It was very helpful and motivational to read. (:

You're welcome! Honestly that was a very cathartic rant. It's good to look back occasionally and realise how far you've come. Earlier this year just going shopping made me so nervous I was shaking and now I'm full-time and about to enrol at college and I'm only mildly nervous... which might not sound too impressive but I assure you that's HUGE progress for me. I hope that you and Jen found, or will soon find, the courage to take the first step. I keep on being surprised by how quickly everything is becoming so much easier.

Quote from: Jessica-Louise on September 06, 2014, 04:18:19 AM
Sorry to resurrect an old thread but I'm curious; did you ever go to Against Me? Did you go as yourself? How was it?

Yes :D "myself" isn't too extravagant. I wore black skinnies, eye liner, black nails, a victorian style ring, and a Siouxsie and the Banshees t-shirt. AAAAAAND I got to meet Laura :DDDDDDD possibly the most unreal moment of my life. After taking a picture she grabbed my shoulders and talked directly to me and gave me a tattoo worthy piece of advice. And even said she liked my shirt :P
And fyi, the concert itself kicked major ass. I was in the front row and directly in the center.

Quote from: Jen♀ on September 06, 2014, 01:51:42 PM
Yes :D "myself" isn't too extravagant. I wore black skinnies, eye liner, black nails, a victorian style ring, and a Siouxsie and the Banshees t-shirt. AAAAAAND I got to meet Laura :DDDDDDD possibly the most unreal moment of my life. After taking a picture she grabbed my shoulders and talked directly to me and gave me a tattoo worthy piece of advice. And even said she liked my shirt :P
And fyi, the concert itself kicked major ass. I was in the front row and directly in the center.

Wow! Well done, Jen. That sounds like a great night. Yeah, they sure do kick ass live!

I'm curious though; what was her "tattoo worthy piece of advice"?

Quote from: Jessica-Louise on September 08, 2014, 01:43:12 AM
I'm curious though; what was her "tattoo worthy piece of advice"?

I want to hear this too.

For me, the biggest takeaway from my first time out was that people just don't pay attention to other people.  They're talking to their friends, looking at their phones, and pretty much oblivious to the world around them...unless something is majorly out of place.  I went to a movie theater, and was dressed like any woman my age would be to go see a movie.  And no one noticed, except the guy at the concession stand...cause my voice was pretty terrible back then.  :)  Oh well...that was a memorable night.

Also, I'm not familiar with Against Me!  So I'm off to Spotify now.

This thread is full of win! Hope it led to a lot more times out.

Quote from: Jessica-Louise on September 08, 2014, 01:43:12 AM
I'm curious though; what was her "tattoo worthy piece of advice"?

Quote from: katiej on September 08, 2014, 02:14:07 AM
I want to hear this too.

She just said "Listen: don't take any ->-bleeped-<-." It sounds kinda minor just typed out like that, but as you could imagine I'm sure, it really meant the world.

Quote from: TerriT on September 08, 2014, 02:17:12 AM
This thread is full of win! Hope it led to a lot more times out.

Oh yes! I started E and left for college a couple weeks later. My roommates and others on my floor know that I am transitioning, but still refer to me as my birth name (which I said was okay for now at the floor meeting). BUT all of my classmates know and refer to me as Jen. :) I'm going to come out to a few close friends back home that I feel should be told directly, (all my best friends now, but there are still a few loose nuts that need tellin'). After that I'm just going to make the full on switch and tell the roommates and friends to call me Jen, and I'll change my name on social media. :D

My first time was to transgender meeting on may20 or so.Now I am first girl out and proud in my job for Springfield mo.Oh yea but now 1ass at work is going to get their dues.Hello Mr lawyer.

Quote from: Jen♀ on September 15, 2014, 10:43:50 PM
She just said "Listen: don't take any ->-bleeped-<-." It sounds kinda minor just typed out like that, but as you could imagine I'm sure, it really meant the world.

Yeah, I bet it did! I wish I'd had the balls (s->-bleeped-<-) to go as Jessica when she toured near me. Next time, I'll be deadly serious next time!

There are two main ways to go about your first time it seems. Slowly work your way up to the bug things. I went to a friends house with other friends the first time. If you can bring friends with you it helps a great deal. Or if you are super brave you can throw yourself out there and just debunk your fears. Honestly, like everyone has been saying, you are your own worst enemy. Your imagination will be far worse then the reality is in most cases. Be strong and confidence will come in time.

When I did it for the first time it was in a safe place, Provincetown MA. The whole town is very accepting of everyone no matter what. If you have a place like that. It makes things a little easier.

I had a pretty high opinion of Laura Jane Grace before reading this but this makes it even higher, that's so cool that she said that to you. She's a real inspiration.

Really glad it was such a good night for you :)