Site News and Information => Introductions => Topic started by: maybeoneday on July 01, 2014, 07:49:26 AM Return to Full Version
Title: Well I always knew
Post by: maybeoneday on July 01, 2014, 07:49:26 AM
Post by: maybeoneday on July 01, 2014, 07:49:26 AM
Hi,
First of all I'd like to say I'm just here to say how things are for me and see wether I'm just being too fussy.
I am nearly 50 I look mid to late 30's and my skin is very young.
At 2.5 years old I remember the utter shock of realising I was Male not female it was massive, not sure I ever recovered.
When I was Little I went to a boys school but I always wanted to go to the gels school down the road, I would be so jealous of the girls and just want to be a girl.
As I approached puberty it was a terrible fear and I always just said well you know you might just turn into a girl, I didn't.
At sex education classes they discussed sex change operations and I asked as many questions as I could without drawing attention to myself.
I longed for it but it all looked not real enough for me I wanted to be BORN a girl.
In my team years many of my friends assumed I was bisexual or gay, to be honest no one gave a toss as it wasn't an issue in our town.
But I'm not gay I like women and always just wanted to be one.
When I was a kid my mum would say oh when you are "married and go out to work" (traditional you see) and I would get so angry I wanted to stay at home and be a woman (Traditional ... very traditional) I'm not traditional now and when I found out about lesbians (about 9) I knew that is what I wanted to be but of course I cannot being a boy.
The last bit I don't really talk about as it seems to me people get the wrong idea I just feel so sad about it, its how may brain is wired up.
At school the majority of my friends were women and I was accepted as one of the girls a lot of the time.
Straight women find me (Not quite right) so mostly only bisexual women are attracted to me (once they get to know me)...
I am now out of a long term relationship and it has hit me full force in the stomach again I simply don't feel right, I probably never will and to be honest I can see it's a bit of a strain. I was very very stressed about it for much of my childhood.
Still here I am, I don't know what to make of it all, I hate pornography as It feels like total violation of something that I want to be (aside from the awful stereotypes and exploitation involved).
I find that I crave women's company and acceptance as a female (which I had with my last partner) its mental for me simply my mind is female. I don't cross dress or anything, as if I were a woman I would be dressing in feline clothes one days and jeans or dungarees the next under a car or fixing engines as I don't give a monkeys to stereotypes....
Now I am dating again its such a drag as women meet me and then find I'm not quite right, still there are lots out there who will like me I guess.
Any way that's my two pennies....
I'd be interested if anyone else feels like this I have met one other such as myself feels exactly the same way which is odd.
I used to be mistaken for a woman in a dress (dressed up for fun sometimes with girlfriends) and when I'm drunk or I can forget totally that I am a man.
I suppose all my life it's like someone who has had an arm chopped off, it's like you can feel it should be there but it isn't for me my whole body feels like it should;t be there.
I know its life long since I remember right back to that awful realisation when I was two.
I have always tried to be very philosophical about it which does help a lot.
Obviously there is an awful lot more but this will do for now.
First of all I'd like to say I'm just here to say how things are for me and see wether I'm just being too fussy.
I am nearly 50 I look mid to late 30's and my skin is very young.
At 2.5 years old I remember the utter shock of realising I was Male not female it was massive, not sure I ever recovered.
When I was Little I went to a boys school but I always wanted to go to the gels school down the road, I would be so jealous of the girls and just want to be a girl.
As I approached puberty it was a terrible fear and I always just said well you know you might just turn into a girl, I didn't.
At sex education classes they discussed sex change operations and I asked as many questions as I could without drawing attention to myself.
I longed for it but it all looked not real enough for me I wanted to be BORN a girl.
In my team years many of my friends assumed I was bisexual or gay, to be honest no one gave a toss as it wasn't an issue in our town.
But I'm not gay I like women and always just wanted to be one.
When I was a kid my mum would say oh when you are "married and go out to work" (traditional you see) and I would get so angry I wanted to stay at home and be a woman (Traditional ... very traditional) I'm not traditional now and when I found out about lesbians (about 9) I knew that is what I wanted to be but of course I cannot being a boy.
The last bit I don't really talk about as it seems to me people get the wrong idea I just feel so sad about it, its how may brain is wired up.
At school the majority of my friends were women and I was accepted as one of the girls a lot of the time.
Straight women find me (Not quite right) so mostly only bisexual women are attracted to me (once they get to know me)...
I am now out of a long term relationship and it has hit me full force in the stomach again I simply don't feel right, I probably never will and to be honest I can see it's a bit of a strain. I was very very stressed about it for much of my childhood.
Still here I am, I don't know what to make of it all, I hate pornography as It feels like total violation of something that I want to be (aside from the awful stereotypes and exploitation involved).
I find that I crave women's company and acceptance as a female (which I had with my last partner) its mental for me simply my mind is female. I don't cross dress or anything, as if I were a woman I would be dressing in feline clothes one days and jeans or dungarees the next under a car or fixing engines as I don't give a monkeys to stereotypes....
Now I am dating again its such a drag as women meet me and then find I'm not quite right, still there are lots out there who will like me I guess.
Any way that's my two pennies....
I'd be interested if anyone else feels like this I have met one other such as myself feels exactly the same way which is odd.
I used to be mistaken for a woman in a dress (dressed up for fun sometimes with girlfriends) and when I'm drunk or I can forget totally that I am a man.
I suppose all my life it's like someone who has had an arm chopped off, it's like you can feel it should be there but it isn't for me my whole body feels like it should;t be there.
I know its life long since I remember right back to that awful realisation when I was two.
I have always tried to be very philosophical about it which does help a lot.
Obviously there is an awful lot more but this will do for now.
Title: Re: Well I always knew
Post by: LordKAT on July 01, 2014, 08:40:49 AM
Post by: LordKAT on July 01, 2014, 08:40:49 AM
Hi, welcome to Susan's.
Your story is familiar to many of us.
Here are some links to site rules and answers to often asked questions.
Your story is familiar to many of us.
Here are some links to site rules and answers to often asked questions.
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
- Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
Title: Re: Well I always knew
Post by: maybeoneday on July 01, 2014, 01:19:13 PM
Post by: maybeoneday on July 01, 2014, 01:19:13 PM
Quote from: LordKAT on July 01, 2014, 08:40:49 AM
Hi, welcome to Susan's.
Your story is familiar to many of us.
well thanks, sometimes although it really gets me down I think i'm making too much of it, but then again I'm always talking about it when I'm drunk at the moment so I think its a big issue. It's a totally mental thing and I really struggle to see why it's so important I don't really believe in gender stereotypes.