Susan's Place Transgender Resources

How do you feel about being trans?

I think probably all of those at one time or another.

Currently... Proud, I think. :)

Depending on my mood pretty much all of those options Suzi. Some days i'm happy, some days i'm sad, some days i'm depressed, and so on. I'm like an emotional yoyo.

Being trans - it is what it is. I am relieved that I finally understand what has been affecting me so deeply for my entire life, but finally knowing that is a mixed blessing. It is one big mystery solved and many, many new problems and challenges to deal with. I also experience new fears now; fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of living alone for the rest of my life. Being trans comes with a high price tag.

While i'm dealing with those problems, challenges, and fears, and discovering the person that I really am - at least i'm doing so as my authentic self.

In the words of the grateful dead - what a long, strange trip it's been

Generally scared since my parents treat it as it is no big deal and make me feel guilty in saying stuff like what the neighbors might say, you could get hurt by hateful people on the street and there are nasty side effects. I'm still going to do it anyways and show them that I'm serious.

I tend to fluctuate between happy and depressed.

When I'm happy about being trans, it's usually because it allowed me to see life from such different perspectives, it helped me grow so much, learn so much, plus when moments of "gender euphoria" hit me and they mean that much more because I was never able to experience them before.

When I'm depressed about being trans, it's usually because I'm tired of worrying about "passing," whining to myself about how I'm never going to be beautiful, and being jealous of cis-women.

i feel indifferent  :(

To answer the question strictly, I'm comfortable, even very comfortable, about being trans. However, like everyone else who has answered, the experience of being trans and transitioning has added many other emotions to the mix: much joy at finally being able to live openly as the woman I always felt I was but also huge frustration and sadness experiencing levels of discrimination at work that I had never known up until now. Quite a reality check and I won't know for another six months to a year whether I'll finally come out of this in a place I can live with.

I had to put other 'cause I really have no idea of what it feels like not being trans. For me its just normal I guess.

Like most others I voted for most of the options.  Emotions have been all over the place.  I will say this though - it has never been boring!   

I find myself angry often - angry that this happened to me, angry I didn't realize when I was younger, angry I move so slowly towards transition.   But sometimes I am happy knowing I will someday be a girl, that I don't have to be bored with life, depressed that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin.   

With my emotions as they are when I start HRT it should be really interesting!

Comfortable. I'm in a place where I've just decided I don't want to stress about or be distressed by my gender circumstance. I can't be cis female and I'd rather be a trans woman than pretend to be a cis man so I'm where I can be. Much to my surprise I'm OK with that.

I squander away a large proportion of my life, earnings, relationships, health and safety, potential for offspring, ad infinitum, so my body can be hacked and sculptured into a facsimile of my 'chosen' gender so I can bear to live with myself. Others circumvent all this by the action of simply being born cis. Ecstatic. Caroline Cossey once said that she wouldn't wish it upon her worst enemy.

I chose "apathetic" because I don't think about it much. Do I wish I were born a cisgender man? Yes, but I know wishing isn't going to change anything, so I put it out of my head. It doesn't cross my mind often unless my family is bothering me about it. Even then, it only affects my feelings about my family, not my feelings about being transgender. I need to have surgery, but since I can't afford anything like that right now, it's so far away that I don't let myself think much about it. It's possible I'm not apathetic at all, just numb.

I get all kinds of feelings, but the more changes I see the more apathetic I feel about being trans...like I get this feeling like by the time this is all over, I won't really be thinking about being trans, just openly being the repressed woman I always had been. Like, I don't really think about gender all that often in day to day things nearly as much as I did when I started....

It is almost like, more and more being trans is a sort of chore that I am going to rid myself of. To use a bad analogy, I don't often think about the cassette I used to have to change in the answering machine, I just take the fact I have voice mail for granted and enjoy having more time listening to messages and less time changing or erasing tapes.

I'm pretty comfortable with it about 98% of the time these days. I might have a very rare instance where something goes haywire. But most of the time, things are fine.

Finally addressing it was much better than the two other options remaining for me- going nuts or dying young.

Mix of all of those emotions, at first angry/depressed, its kind of like going through the stages of grief, Angry and then making deals with yourself, depression, acceptance. Its a roller coaster of emotions and still goes up and down some times, I wish I was born cis male, life would be easier, but then I think all my experiences in life, made me who I am, so I'm trans, makes me a pretty strong determined person that's for sure, I actually hate it when people tell me how brave I am, its like, I'm not brave, I just want to be me, so yeah I'm a rebel, a renegade, going against society's norms lol makes life exciting a little, the way I see it, I was able to experience life on both sides of the spectrum, female and now male, as much as I hated being forced to socialize female, and as much as I was a tomboy in that sense, experiences still made me who I am, I don't think god made a mistake, maybe sometimes I thought he did, but hell were all pretty strong mother f***kers for being able to push through this journey, I have respect for everyone on this ride

Hm, depends. At best I am apathetic - like, whatever, it is what it is and I'm not going to change it. I'm no less of a man for it.

But it makes me angry, depressed, and scared when things aren't at their best.

Angry and depressed because I've had WAY too many bad experiences coming out. When I looked female and said I was trans, most people were cool about it, but I find that when I pass and people think I am just a "regular guy" and they find out my past...they get weird about it and feel like I've somehow deceived them. Most recently I even had a therapist who felt misled by me saying I was "straight" when she asked my sexual orientation. She was fine with it before she knew of my past, now that she knows she thinks that "straight" was misleading. But it isn't, I'm a guy and I like girls, that's what straight is. =/ Honestly I'd rather not label my orientation at all even though I am monosexual in my preferences, but she asked. Honestly, coming out just changes people's perceptions too much. It's depressing that people think my body parts, or even my gender period (physical sex aside) comprise such a huge part of who I am. If I had an extra finger would that make me a different person somehow?

Anyway, I then put scared because I worry that a day will come where I don't have the option of keeping my private life private. I have numerous reasons for thinking that but I won't go into detail here.

I hate it.  I would have rather not been born.

I would have euphoria if I had been born a cisgendered female.
I can go through all those emotions at one time or another.

Quote from: janetcgtv on July 08, 2014, 08:34:23 PM
I would have euphoria if I had been born a cisgendered female.

I wonder about this.

I have this feeling too - how wonderful it would be actually to be cisgender, have complete body, the full female experience, etc.

But, really, I don't know any cisgender people who are euphoric about their gender.

In fact, the ONLY people I know who are ever euphoric with respect to their gender are trans people.

Something to think about...

Quote from: suzifrommd on July 09, 2014, 08:42:20 AM
I wonder about this.

I have this feeling too - how wonderful it would be actually to be cisgender, have complete body, the full female experience, etc.

But, really, I don't know any cisgender people who are euphoric about their gender.

In fact, the ONLY people I know who are ever euphoric with respect to their gender are trans people.

Something to think about...

I think this is a good point. To me, this is the privilege of being cis, that you don't have to think about your gender very often. You can just get on with life and feel like "meh" about it lol.

Quote from: King Malachite on July 08, 2014, 08:32:49 PM
I hate it.  I would have rather not been born.

I felt that way at one time and thought about suicide/death on a daily basis. After a few years I decided that it wasn't the best idea and I should do my best to do what I could to correct the problem.

Birkin & Suzi

You are right as I would be euphoric because I'll be coming from being trans. and if i would have been born a cisgendered female I would be doing the daily routine of being born female. And my days would be of a typical mother doing what she loves doing. When young I prayed to wake  up girl and NO memory of ever been born male.

King Malachite:
Don't give up. Even from my experience with cis gendered people, the have their good days and their bad days. Remember death is a permanent solution for a temporary problem(that may last a long time but eventually get solved).
You can also end of in worse shape if you attempt it. I read in the paper about a man who jumped 94 floors in an elevator shaft. He ended up a quadriplegic and he could not even move his hand to get a fly off his face.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

Thanks yall, but I should clarify some.  If I had the option to choose between being cis with a happy life or not existing, then I would choose not to exist.  It just sucks to exist AND be trans.

King Malachite:

Please  clarify something for me.

I gather that if you were born a cis female you would not wish to be a cis female

Do you wish you were a cis male?

OR that you would have nothing to be any kind of cis but want to be trans

Me although born male I would have preferred being born a cis female.

Quote from: janetcgtv on July 09, 2014, 08:59:57 PM
King Malachite:

Please  clarify something for me.

I gather that if you were born a cis female you would not wish to be a cis female

Do you wish you were a cis male?

OR that you would have nothing to be any kind of cis but want to be trans

Me although born male I would have preferred being born a cis female.

I would prefer to be a cis male.

Much of the initial euphoria, the glee, has passed...now it's a steady sense of contentment until I untuck, then moderate dysphoria.

lately i've been feeling really confused and on some days emotional traumatized  :-X

Quote from: suzifrommd on July 08, 2014, 07:49:41 AM
How do you feel about being trans?

Usually depressed/angry/scared but I can also be excited (to pursue my transition) and happy, but then there are times where I'm just apathetic to it.

This is a really interesting topic. And I think I've gleaned something from all of your answers, particularly Donna E, Ryan55, Hikari at the moment. It's good to read all of your answers and I can hugely relate to some of your feelings.

I think if I were born female, or vice versa in the case of FTMs (someone's said already), just how much could've been bypassed? i.e. no worries about having to take hormones, no guilt, no need for any money for this purpose, we would just be that gender and that would be that. In that way I feel a little indignant at nature. But obviously we just have to make the most of our circumstances.

I do feel proud in that I'm finally getting to grips with this issue finally, and being able to relate to so many of you, but I also do feel afraid at times particularly what others might think (not that this should deter one from transitioning), my father is in the know but I still haven't told my mother yet (not sure when to do this yet, I see her very rarely). I don't think she will surprised, and I'm pretty sure she will be supportive, but there's still that nagging doubt.

So, I ticked: Depressed, Proud, Scared, Excited, Comfortable...(at various times). Right now I'd say I'm comfortable.  :)

I still struggle with it. Things would have been a lot easier if I had been born a girl. It's not so much that I feel uncomfortable being trans, what I feel awkward about is the reaction of people around me. When I finally broke free of the denial, accepting who I am became liberating. Certainly, getting my hormones sorted out was a big plus, but I regret not starting when I was younger (and had great hair!). Do I wish that I was a "normal" cis-gendered person? Well, yes, but that person would have to be female ;)

For me , I've been dealing with this since childhood , so it's really just another day

I've never had like an angry "why me?!" moment or something like that. I'm fine most of the time, but I guess disappointed is the best word to describe how I feel about it. 

As far as being trans....I don't like it, that's why I am stealth as much as I can be!!

As far as being cis.....as far as everyone knows that is what I am....and I also feel cis most times. The times I realize I am not, are the times I'm with the people who know I am trans. Its not something I can avoid, unless I run away from my children. But, once they are grown up....I'm out of here!!!

I chose "Scared", because even though some of the other options fit, too, I think I feel fear the strongest out of the others. Fear of not being accepted is a big part of the reason I'm still in the closet.

First of all I feel frustrated, I am not in a place where I can transition. I am hoping that sooner or later I'll be able to change that but being trans and having to wait until things happen is driving me crazy.

As for being trans, I honestly don't think I'd want to be  otherwise right now. I am very much a person of association and I associate being cis male with hating myself thinking that I was a disgusting freak. Also now when I look at a woman and think her skirt is really nice or wow she has fantastic shoes, I now know why.

When it comes to telling my friends and family it scares me not so much that I'll lose them but that I will disappoint them. The only family member that I ever talk to anymore is my mother, the rest are just not a part of my life (not even my father). I don't know if it is a good thing or bad but I can loose people from my life (not dying though) and just shrug it off for the most part. My concern is people that are part of my life now.  Really I have 2 people that I am concerned with about telling, my mother and my one friend who is a bit of a lynchpin to my other friends. Honestly if they choose not to be apart of my life then I will move on without much thought.

Warning this part may have some triggers for some!!!


The biggest concern and I know that some here will be mad at me for this but I want to be super stealth. As much as I would gladly walk into srs surgery tomorrow I won't be able to bring myself to start my rle until I have trouble passing as a male. I really don't know how the girls from England deal with the nhs, I applaud your strength, I don't know if I could start rle before being accepted for hrt. I just don't think I would be strong enough. 

sorry for the ramblings but my feelings on being trans are complicated to say the least.

For me, it's interesting but stressful. I never know what I'm going to do next... And sometimes my thoughts are scary.

But I'm pre-transition ATM, so I can't really say much about it. Today's my fifteenth day knowing I'm transsexual.. And I haven't even scheduled a gender therapy appt. I've been trying to participate in a lot of the little fun brighten your day threads, just to (obviously) brighten my day.

But definitely, if being trans is one thing, it's interesting. Never have I been "bored" on this site.. Always something to do, from trying to help others, trying to receive help yourself, being happy and energetic one day then depressed the next.

I am not comfortable with my current progress nor my moms reaction to me coming out to her, but eventually... Eventually, I am confident I can get comfortable. It won't be today, and it won't be tomorrow, but one day looooong in the future, it'll happen.

~A

Boxes I ticked? Scared, Angry, Depressed. In other words, SAD.

But the fact is...

I no longer even consider myself transgender. I'm cis-sex female now. To me, transgender is this word that reminds me of a bunch of things I no longer or should no longer have to deal with (event horizon? Yeson in ~3mo.) and really has no relation to me.

I'm happy to discuss the few topics here that interest me but am here largely based on lingering, fringe matters that generally don't concern identity support etc. because it's good to leave some breadcrumbs on the path for other birds if you happen to have some grasped with your talons.

But I do so anonymously, as post-transition identity is very worth keeping in stealth if you can IMO. :icon_chick:

Well the one option that should be in there really is confused but that being said here goes this rest of the options. 

Happy to figure out what is different about self yet depressed at the fear of change and if I can really do this. 

Proud I have finally discovered oneself yet slightly angry at self for not figuring those out much earlier in life. Excited to try a different path yet anxious how it will turn out with acceptance etc.

Scared of the if I can do this and the changes as the path continues yet getting more comfortable with idea of who I really am.

Next step really for me is to try HRT to tell me how this will go for sure but must wait a long time for that to come to resolution.

Depressed , scared , angry at times

I ll never get to be pregnant and give birth and be the mother of a child i wouldv bear for 9 months  because of it , except in dreams .
And i m scared of talking of my past to most peoples and the issues with being born this way or they would know.

I think I'm mostly comfortable with it, but I wouldn't be on this site if I wasn't all those other things as well.

As far as being transgender, very comfortable.  But I'm learning that this is an emotional roller coaster as time goes on.  I've understood I wanted to be female since 12ish, and finally understood what it meant to be transgender when I met my best friend Destiny, who was also transgender, at 19 years old.  In my earlier childhood, I really was boxed into a boy world where I did not even understand that there was any other way.  Unfortunately, she passed away in 2011 after we had been close for over a decade.  I never transitioned at that point because of school/work.  I think it always feels like I cannot do it while I have something like that on my plate.

When I finally got an opportunity, because I lived on my own, I began crossdressing a LOT.  For awhile, I thought I could just do that and this would suffice.  After awhile I began to love the feminine aspects of me so much and dislike the male aspects of me, I began to consider castration.  This was sort of the turning point for me because I realized I could drop the T entirely.  I thought, if I can get rid of that, I can have less body hair, be more girly.  After acknowledging this desire, it seemed completely logical to get on HRT.  So I set up an appointment with a therapist and registered here.  Seeing the therapist made me exuberantly happy; however, this happiness was profoundly too much for me to handle and was very unstable.  As soon as I am surrounded by those who do not know I AM female, I had a total emotional meltdown (behind closed doors).  I'm pretty sure people notice something going on with me now because I am so much more emotional and act feminine daringly for all to see, without presenting in full.  At home I present in full, its the only way I can bring myself back up.  Hopefully I will be able to fix all of this and move on someday soon. 



 

I guess if anything I feel disappointed in myself for ignoring how I felt since I was like 15ish, and now 13 years later, after going through puberty- there's some things that will be slow, unpleasant, and long to undo- while other things cannot be undone with current medical technology. I'm also disappointed in myself for not maintaining a friendship with the only person who ever semi-understood and supported me.

It really, really depends on my mood. Sometimes I don't mind, sometimes I see a lot of pros in being trans, and sometimes I hate it more than anything. Mostly I don't really like it, but at the same time I don't really mind. That's just how it is, and I can't really change that.

Definitely depressed. I've already got Bipolar 1 and a gajillion other things to contend with. I wish I could just be a normal person for one day.

What wouldn't I give to be a straight, cis, 6'0 tall man? What wouldn't I give to make my father proud?

Being trans, next to being mentally ill, is the worst thing that could have happened to me.

I admire people who are proud to be trans. I wish I could see my affliction in such a positive light.

I think the biggest positive in general to being transgender is that we have the innate ability of a different perspective then cis. As transgender we all have a part of us that is male and a part that is female more so then cis. That being said how is that a positive is we can think about things that most would not be able to derive from a situation and make a more unbiased or balanced outcome having a preconception of both sides of a picture rather then just one dimensional. Which means normal is not so great either they are more blind:)

Quote from: Jen72 on September 20, 2014, 04:45:39 AM
I think the biggest positive in general to being transgender is that we have the innate ability of a different perspective then cis. As transgender we all have a part of us that is male and a part that is female more so then cis. That being said how is that a positive is we can think about things that most would not be able to derive from a situation and make a more unbiased or balanced outcome having a preconception of both sides of a picture rather then just one dimensional. Which means normal is not so great either they are more blind:)

This would be super awesome if we could all be diplomats and healthcare employees and social workers and teachers and judges etc. I feel like for me, understanding more aspects of human experience is mostly good for not getting too easily upset when other people don't seem to behave ethically. Most of the time the extra layer of insight is as likely to frustrate me as anything. I do agree that it is a strongly positive trait, but I think I would be happier if I could be more ignorant and narrow-minded.

Hi.

Other.

Im a very happy person proud of who i am content being fullfilled, very well accepted,  and with in our many different groups with  1500 member,s   that alone says more than could be writen about myself, and says a lot more about those people,

i have disadvantages and things i dont like about my self and detail that is a day to day detail , yet i cant let that stop me from having a fantastic life,  i do have advantages the best one of cause is having a life that can be shared with others and they with myself, 

Ether you die ,take your own life or you work through the issues and detail till you wake up and see what you would have missed,  so smell those rose,s and quit letting the thorns digging in , 

Im not saying it,s easy far from it just there comes a time to be real and learn to live your life,  join some groups join in be part of be a doer , and watch what happens to you, and how you will grow as a person  yes the knock,s and set backs and what ever else is thrown at you till you become strong and you see who you are and what your made of,

sit down and become angry hatefull  and bitter ,  hate your self and others and then die a bitter and twisted person . and alone , and no friends,  not much of a life , 

The rose,s represent those i know ,  the thorn,s represent  whats thrown at us and indifference to us , maybe even our selfs,

So the Rose,s are where i am. 

...noeleena...

 

Mostly... scared, ashamed, anxious, angry and guilty

Sometimes... excited and hopeful.

Depressed.
The one thought that carries me forward is that nothing will matter in 1000 years and you only live once so why not be yourself. I call it the only hope that is built with hopelessness. Why not, won't matter anyway. My therapist isn't so fond of my mindset but I'm not dead so that's kind of a win right?

I already answered this, but my answer has changed since then, so here we go again:

I've been constantly having 2 feelings, and they never change or vary: Depression and happiness. I'm not even going to talk about the depression; let's just say I'm a mess. The happiness has definitely surprised me over the last two months. I've realized that I can just be myself! Around my friends, that is. I'm now actually letting myself be girly in public, which has been a pain to hide for a long time. I've even referred to myself as a girl infront of my friends countless times, and they haven't given me any crap about it. One of my friends askes me if I'm gay atleast once a day, and I always have the same answer: "No, I'm lesbian." I say that because I'm still interested in other girls. Over the course of these 2 months, I've also made 3 new friends - 2 of which happen to be girls, and 1 of the 2 I have a huge crush on. The biggest crush I've ever had. All of this has loaded up to a LOT of happiness. Oh, and also - you beautiful people!!!! Without you all, I would have none of this happiness I've listed.

Well, there's my updated answer!

iiMTF

I picked proud, scared, and excited. Those are my real feelings about being trans, being myself, being real and being alive.

I also picked angry and depressed, which are my feelings about how family and society have treated me with regard to being myself, real, and alive. The way I've been treated in my life led to a lot of my problems with suppressing my trans identity and a lot of other parts of myself as well. I don't know if I'll ever get past the anger for what was done to my childhood or the mourning of that. But hopefully I will not always be in a moment of feeling depressed.

Certainly happy, a little excited and more than a little relieved.  While it is not something that I would have chosen, being trans has provided the means and the opportunity to seek answers to fundamental questions of identity and life path which may never have occurred to me.  In answering these questions I have grown as a person, felt empowered, confident and able to author my own life and narrative.    My relief comes from the fact that for much of my life I really was worried that I was deviant, broken or had some kind of weird fetish.  To learn that there was a name for this, that it wasn't my fault, that it could be treated and that I was not alone was an enormous relief.  To then find that hrt brought so much joy, empathy and texture to my life was truly a revelation.  It was this that finally helped me find myself, and to be authentic and present for the first time in my life.

Safe travels

Aisla

One that isn't up there that I have felt is "relief". As in, "Oh, THAT'S why I feel so different."

It has been an absolute relief to be able to act in a way that comes naturally to me and people not give me funny looks.

Comfortable for now but like so many in this club the past years of denial, secrecy and shame created a toxic stew I had to jettison to finally feel this good.  Being free to be myself and transition was euphoic for the first 6-8 months.  Now the day to day is less novelty and life as a girl feels so good for me.

I didn't understand myself for so long and now with acceptance of being trans my life makes sense in so many ways.  To now see myself in the mirror rather than a guy I had to groom is priceless while giving up the man act was a tremendously successful mental weight loss program.

I feel free!

I F_ _ king hate it. It sucks the life out of you. Besides my business and my house I've lost everything everyone. I'm no different than any of you.....you self righteous ->-bleeped-<-s who pretty much wrote me off. The only good thing about this whole situation is that I'm very callas now and don't give 2 ->-bleeped-<-s what anyone thinks or has to say. This is a curse.....nothing more

I have mixed feelings about the whole deal and go through a variety of combinations of almost all of the emotions listed at various times

Ambivalent tending towards cautious and often pessimistic.

I mainly just feel really really annoyed about it. I'm tired of constantly having dysphoria over my body, and annoyed at how I was unlucky enough to end up with the dysphoria in the first place.

Anxious to have the money to start T.

Relieved that I now know why I was little and wanted to be a girl, sometimes preferred girl toys when I could get them, and was always shy around guys but could just open up to girls, unless of course I thought they were cute. Back then, I had no idea what it meant to be trans, and to be honest hadn't even heard of it until a few years ago. I heard of sex changes before that, but only on Taboo, so I thought it was just a rare, odd lifestyle choice that didn't pertain to me. See, by then, I had long repressed most of my girlness, save for some unconscious things that I don't notice until they're pointed out, or until I'm severely emotional about something. I don't know why I repressed it, I feel I'm missing a huge piece of the puzzle still, like maybe a traumatic incident of some kind or maybe I was actually born intersex but assigned to be a male by the doctor at birth. That second one could be the case, as I have a weird scar down there at the tip and what looks like healed stitches underneath the scrotum. I have hardly ever felt very masculine, even if I'm not exactly the picture of femininity and don't bother acting ladylike even now. I'm just glad I can finally be me and not worry about being made fun of for being too this or not enough that. I know as Janine, my 'f the world they can all go die' attitude, my day to day ability to find something that angers me, and my self hate for not being good enough at what I strive to be have all disappeared.

How do I feel?

I feel like I probably have very little inkling of what a normal life is like. Transsexuality has permeated and disrupted my life such that I probably have no idea how to be anything but the mess I currently am.

I checked comfortable and other.

Comfortable because over the years I've come into terms with it and other for not really caring about it anymore.

It's just how things are.

Mostly I don't think about it much anymore.  But when I do what I feel is mostly resentment.
- Resentment at a money grubbing pharmaceutical industry that knowingly gave my mother the drugs that did this.
- Resentment at religion who turn something totally out of my control into a morality issue.
- Resentment at conservatives who want to treat us like pariahs.
- Resentment at my parents for telling me I was crazy instead of helping in any constructive way.

As for how I feel about myself; I feel fine.



Sapere Aude

My answer still hasn't changed from the previous one.

I am scared and depressed and the emotions are all over the place to be honest. I know who I am deep in my soul and I am not sure if she will ever come out to the world but I know who and what I am. I know that I am a woman even if I live FT as a man.

I was fine with it until this week. Sure, the social transphobia makes life harder, but I'm determined to survive.

Now, though, I'm being threatened the last couple days, just verbally so far, but it bothers me that people suddenly feel so free to be openly hostile and uncivil.

I'm a social creature, and enjoy the company of others. The thought of having to go into hiding is a bit chilling. My mother-in-law and I had a discussion on the subject Tuesday. She's a survivor of the camps in WW2 Europe, and was concerned for my safety.

So am I.


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I remain comfortable and even more determined to live free and let my truth be known.  My closet will contain my clothes but not my fears.  I will face my fears and the challenges ahead with the strength of community around me.  Together we will not just survive but thrive.  I am happy to have made my transition a permanent one.  No going back, no hiding and no shame.

Yesterday another trans activist and I presented on transgender people and access to health care at one of the major Portland hospitals.  An auditorium of people engaged us respectfully with questions and calls for improved health care access and personal acceptance.

I almost chose excited, because when you boil it down, I am EXTREMELY excited to be starting HRT, and in addition, I finally feel like my life is coming together and all of the pieces are falling into place.

The reason I chose other is because I have fought with myself for many years on being trans, with the dysphoria and masculinity ebbing and flowing. Because I was raised religious, though don't considering myself religious anymore, I feel like I'm sinning, but I'm doing my best to push that feeling away and remind myself that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and god knew me before I was even in the womb...you know....that kind of stuff, because that's what I want to use to explain to my grandmother that I'm not sinning, but it's hard to tell someone you're not doing something when you personally feel like you're doing it?

That being said, I don't feel scared, or generally anxious...I definitely feel more comfortable in my own skin and far more confident, which I could be more comfortable and confident if I didn't fail to pass, but T is soon, so -fingers crosses-.

I chose angry, scared and excited.
I'm angry I have to feel this way, I'm scared I'll make a mistake or that my family will hate me when they all find out, and I'm excited because it looks like I'm going to start HRT in the next couple of years.

I went with apathetic but also said angry because there are definitely times where I still feel extremely angry that I was betrayed over a decently functioning cis-male body matching my brain back in my mom's womb.

Thing is, I can't change it anyway so for the most part I have arranged myself with being trans and the possibilities science has to offer for me to become as happy as I can this way. 
It is pretty much apathy caused by powerlessness to change that fact if that makes any sense, if you can't change it, you better accept it eventually, is the train of thought I am on here basically. 

Honestly, I feel very cheated. I totally hate having to go through all this crap just to be myself. I hate being trans.

When I finally reached the conclusion I was Trans* (I fought it a very long time),  I initially felt like I'd been given a terminal diagnosis. I had a wonderful wife,  kids,  nice house,  nice cars,  nice holidays,  good job,  I was worried I'd loose it all,  and I basically have (aside the job).
But I've found myself,  and that has help compensate to some degree for those losses.
Do I wish I was a different person? Never. I value who I am,  and my gender identity is a piece of that puzzle.
TLDR initially I hated the fact I was Trans*,  but now I value it. X

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Being trans girl in my country mean
No legal transition
My whole country including (the government , society , religion and family ) consider me a feminine gay guy even tho I have gender dysphoria
It's crime to be feminine gay guy
It's crime to dress as girl
It's crime to date men
It's crime to put make up
Will never change my documents to female even after sex surgery (srs)

I have no chance of living as girl in my country and when I dress as boy I'm always afraid from the police and people

Being trans is curse
Sometimes I wish I was just a gay I can then hide myself
Unlike now no matter how much I try to hide myself I still experience bad stuff

Mary,  I'm glad you've found Susan's but sad to hear how scared you feel.
I don't know your circumstances or where you live, but I can relate. I lived many years living in what I now know was a totally irrational fear. As I posted elsewhere and as others have commented,  the realisation that 99%, of people in this world really don't care what you do can be a very empowering thing when you can embrace it. Keep strong. X

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Initially I was very excited and anxious about the future, wanted to go through everything pretty quickly. But after experiencing heartbreak because of this, I realized it is real, and that I can lose so many things by doing this. Yet an inner voice keeps encouraging me to keep going.

At the moment I'm mostly annoyed and sad that I am going through this. Even annoyed at the fact that I realized what it was. Right now it seems as if not knowing why I felt different and repressing the thoughts was easier. I can't do that anymore.

I'm just hoping I quickly overcome this bump on the road and finish my transition to the point where I will finally be comfortable with myself again, and maybe even proud.


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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on September 19, 2017, 06:30:59 PM
Initially I was very excited and anxious about the future, wanted to go through everything pretty quickly. But after experiencing heartbreak because of this, I realized it is real, and that I can lose so many things by doing this. Yet an inner voice keeps encouraging me to keep going.

I put scared and excited, because at the moment I'm in line with the initial feelings Charlie mentioned here. Particularly the getting through it quickly part. I know it might not last, but it's pretty good for now. Though I don't really have anything to lose, so there's that. (Which is pretty depressing in and of itself. I've had mention that my 10+ year shut-in stint may prove to be an advantage since it saved me from having entanglements now, but at the same time it was still 10+ years of being a shut-in which isn't exactly a great existence. :D That may seem like the wrong emoji to use after that sentence, but... whatever, I'm over it!)

I apologise to MeganJames2, as I removed my original post before realising that she replied to it.  My post described just how scared I am, but when I thought about what I had written, I imagined my late mother's voice telling me to stop whining, so I signed in with the intention of deleting it. 

Thanks for your support Megan, it really does help.

It was always a massive disappointment whenever I remembered that I got dealt this hand. It was really crushing for years and years until I managed to get it under control for a about a year before getting back to square one and starting to be who I am.

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Angry, scared and other. By "other" I mean sad (but not depressed), confused, worried, frustrated, etc. I've never felt anything positive about being trans. Lately I've been feeling less negatively about it and more content with how things are now, but I still see being transsexual as somewhat of a curse. I'm not happy about it, but try to do the best I can. I can handle it, even see it has some benefits to it, but so does my chronic tension headache but I'm not feeling happy about that one either. It's something I've learned to live with for better or worse.

Scared.  That seems to be the mode, so I'm not alone.  I wish that I weren't so cowardly, though.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on September 19, 2017, 06:30:59 PM
Initially I was very excited and anxious about the future, wanted to go through everything pretty quickly. But after experiencing heartbreak because of this, I realized it is real, and that I can lose so many things by doing this. Yet an inner voice keeps encouraging me to keep going.

At the moment I'm mostly annoyed and sad that I am going through this. Even annoyed at the fact that I realized what it was. Right now it seems as if not knowing why I felt different and repressing the thoughts was easier. I can't do that anymore.

I'm just hoping I quickly overcome this bump on the road and finish my transition to the point where I will finally be comfortable with myself again, and maybe even proud.


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It's been so many months since I posted that. I continued transitioning and I would say that nowadays I feel scared! My time to go full time is approaching and it really frightens me that I might not be mentally ready or that I won't be able to hide under my male persona anymore.

"Trans".. such a label.  So many layered meanings behind it.  Even taking that on as a mantle seems like donning the forbidden Scarlet Letter on your forehead as a tattoo, permanently marking one as 'tainted'.  At least I think that's how society as a whole views it.  The forbidden lands.. how dare you even presume to transition from one gender to another?

I think its such a terrible irony.. considering we're all born neutral, bordering on female.   The very equipment which denotes male vs female in the traditional sense has so many potential alterations, mutations, and potential complications (enter intersexed people) that we know now its a misnomer at best, a fallacy at worst. 

Sure most people are easily & readily identify as  male.. female.. but the few that dare to step beyond?  Some societies saw them as blessed... ours as cursed, hated, to be squashed underfoot & ridiculed.


So how do I see it?  Its a label I've avoided... as it never quite fit me appropriately... but yet it does.  Overwhelming sadness, that things couldn't have been different is probably the most presiding emotion.  Anger at the gods and my parents for this 'gift' that I cannot undue.  Lastly acceptance.. that I must be what I am.

I voted for the other. I don't really have an emotion for it because it is who I always knew I was. I knew I was a female trapped in a males body when I was young. Sure that made me sad because I really couldn't do anything about it. Then when I turned 16 I started my transition and yeah I was happy about it, but also nervous. Now that my journey is complete I suppose you could say I am relieved, but really I am just who I am.

I feel good about being a woman.

I feel anxious about having a non-normative appearance which unfortunately is currently a target for hatred and violence.

Transgender is just the adjective that indicates a bit of my origins.  I feel sad about the complex path I had to take to get from there to here, and the damage to myself and others from my mistakes on that path.

Quote from: Michelle_P on May 09, 2018, 12:44:44 PM
I feel good about being a woman.

I feel anxious about having a non-normative appearance which unfortunately is currently a target for hatred and violence.

Transgender is just the adjective that indicates a bit of my origins.  I feel sad about the complex path I had to take to get from there to here, and the damage to myself and others from my mistakes on that path.

Hugs[emoji173] you are where you need to be. I know it's a hard journey to be on... I can really relate right now

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Quote from: Doreen on April 29, 2018, 02:14:52 PM
"Trans".. such a label.  So many layered meanings behind it.  Even taking that on as a mantle seems like donning the forbidden Scarlet Letter on your forehead as a tattoo, permanently marking one as 'tainted'.  At least I think that's how society as a whole views it.  The forbidden lands.. how dare you even presume to transition from one gender to another?

I think its such a terrible irony.. considering we're all born neutral, bordering on female.   The very equipment which denotes male vs female in the traditional sense has so many potential alterations, mutations, and potential complications (enter intersexed people) that we know now its a misnomer at best, a fallacy at worst. 

Sure most people are easily & readily identify as  male.. female.. but the few that dare to step beyond?  Some societies saw them as blessed... ours as cursed, hated, to be squashed underfoot & ridiculed.


So how do I see it?  Its a label I've avoided... as it never quite fit me appropriately... but yet it does.  Overwhelming sadness, that things couldn't have been different is probably the most presiding emotion.  Anger at the gods and my parents for this 'gift' that I cannot undue.  Lastly acceptance.. that I must be what I am.

I feel very much the same.  Well put, Doreen.

I feel all of the those things at any given time or all at the same time. Repressing myself for so long, when I finally came out, while everyone around me was devastated, my wife, obviously the most, all I could do was be relieved. Then as time went on, I was worried "should I have not come out"? Would it have been better to just have kept my mouth shut and spared everyone around me the pain - and it was and still is, to some degree, pain.
I happy to finally be me, to see the outside starting to finally match the inside and progress toward being my authentic self permanently.
I am scared sometimes, because I know, where I live, acceptance of trans people isn't high and I am scared of losing friends, when I come out all the way. I am scared that my wife, while she is coping well now and she tends to be doing better every day, will one day decide that she just can't do it, and won't come home.
I am proud because we are more and more visible everyday.
I am sad because I worry about the unknown and find myself crying at a song, or just the thought of being alone or the perceived shame I've brought to my family or that they feel because of me. I am also sad at the fear of my mother just never understanding and dead naming me forever and losing her love and acceptance.
So yeah, its safe to sat, I feel all of those things, as so many others do, and so much more.

For me it's mostly been incredibly lonely. (I lived most of my life in very conservative areas so....) I could count the number of real friends I had on one hand. Most of my family I have not heard from in years. 2 marriages that lasted less than 8 years total.  Along with quite a number of people who would talk to me for a time would get to a point they would quit calling or returning my calls to them and never said a word as to why. (The loneliness has been the worst part of this whole thing)

Depressed, Scared, and Excited.  I honestly wasn't expecting those to be the top 3 when I voted...  I'm still figuring stuff out and closeted so that's a big part of it.  Just tons of doubts about how people would react and even whether I want to transition.  I already feel lonely even pretending to be a regular cis male dude though because people aren't really seeing the whole me so there is a serious lack of real connection.  Kind of like I'm not even lonely for the right reason?