Susan's Place Transgender Resources

so for all who dont know, my father was killed when i was about 12. i was never allowed to go to his funeral because the state guardians (the state) was afraid that my father's family would take me, plus my mother blocked me from my daddy for some odd reason. anyways, i miss my father. sometimes i wonder why he didnt take me from my mother or had my aunt take me because she was willing to raise me in his place. i may not of known about my father as much but i do know he cared a lot. funny really because i look just like him, a spitting image. i sometimes dream and my father is always in them. in them i'm happy, healthy and full of life. ha, i even had one when we went hiking in the woods or played freesbee in the field. carnivals, fairs and other fun stuff. one i had was on my highschool and college graduations. my father is sitting in the front row balling his eyes out smile, but than i open my eyes and its all gone. i find myself saying "why did you leave me daddy" but yet i get no answer, not a whisper and i start crying. i have his death certificate and when i look at it, i'm like this isnt real, this isnt possible. sometimes i wonder if he is proud of me. i even wrote a letter to him in hopes of one day he'll read it. i just wish i had more time with him because i truly do miss him

I miss mine too.  He died 33 years ago, but you know somethin'  I think he would like that I am authentic, honest and fair.  I think he would accept me for who and what I am.  I think he would love me.  I think your papa would be proud of your courage.  I think he would love and support you as you seek to be who who really are.  I think he would because I am a father, and that is how I feel about my children

I really believe this.

j

i guess it also comes from that i'll never be able to have children. i'm sure my father would of wanted grand kids from me and my twin sister

I adopted my children and they are my kids in spirit and in fact.  Never sell the universe short.  There is magic waiting for you, reach out and claim it! :)  You have a long time yet to change your world and your life.  There is help and support for you here and everywhere else if you look deeply enough.

I think if you live truly and without selfishness, he will know that you honor him and will smile.

Julie

Just three more days!

"abandon your fears, turn and face forward. now advance, dont give an inch. never stop moving. retreat and you'll age, be afraid and you'll die"

A worthy motto!

Quote from: JulieBlair on July 08, 2014, 06:36:00 PM
Just three more days!

"abandon your fears, turn and face forward. now advance, dont give an inch. never stop moving. retreat and you'll age, be afraid and you'll die"

A worthy motto!

lol. its just i am so much like him it just breaks my heart even more that i have to deal with the reality i'll never see my father again after longing to see him at least once more in this life

I know it's not the same, but as long as you remember him with love, he is there in your heart. 

Peace,
j

Quote from: JulieBlair on July 08, 2014, 09:48:22 PM
I know it's not the same, but as long as you remember him with love, he is there in your heart. 

Peace,
j

thats the issue, my mother blocked me from him so my only memories where us going crabbing 

I'll bet it was fun.  Hang onto that image.  When I was so deep in fear and self loathing that all I wanted in the world was to die, I saw the image of my dad in front of me.  Fathers are like that, it is one of the reasons I'm still here typing. True story.  Whatever you remember hold him fast.  To few of us were blessed with love growing up.  That you have a loving memory is a gift.  You are lucky, as am I.

j

i'm sry but i have to laugh at that. love is one thing i never got growing up. sure people said they care but when it came down to it, they traded me away for a single silver coin. if my father truly loved me enough than he would still be alive. i know i sound selfish but i'm angry at the fact he didnt try hard enough to take me from my mother and at least put me with my aunt until he was able to take care of me. although they are gun-ho christians, i wouldnt suffered as much as i did. a bound with your father is much stronger than that of your mother yet i never got that chance and i'll never get that chance no matter who it is

Well that sucks for air.  It is sad that Christianity is so often perverted into repression.  And it is sadder that you were not nurtured.  You are really quite together for all that, regardless of what you may think. I live the life of an agnostic pagan if such a thing is possible.  But it took a lot of study and reflection to get here.

I guess the bottom line is we all deserve to be loved and to be happy.  Do you feel loved?

Two more days ;)

Quote from: JulieBlair on July 09, 2014, 09:35:40 AM
Well that sucks for air.  It is sad that Christianity is so often perverted into repression.  And it is sadder that you were not nurtured.  You are really quite together for all that, regardless of what you may think. I live the life of an agnostic pagan if such a thing is possible.  But it took a lot of study and reflection to get here.

I guess the bottom line is we all deserve to be loved and to be happy.  Do you feel loved?

Two more days ;)

you mean in general? i guess but as i've said before, i am incapable of feeling love. just basically go with the flow and fake it type of deal

Hmmm 21 and jaded.  Sorry sweetie, but it makes me want to take you into my arms until you feel safe.  I know that isn't on your agenda, but I'm old enough to be your grandmother, and that is what I do.

What would you like out of life?  I'm just an old hippy chick; art, music, and walks in the woods are where I find energy.  Crazy, because I make my living being an engineer.  Can you imagine the looks I got when I went full time?   It was pretty great, everyone has been so kind, I feel accepted and appreciated.

But where do you find energy and affirmation?

If you would rather not go there I understand completely.  The truth is I empathize with your anxiety and how important the Dr appointment is on Friday.  Maybe I'm trying to distract you, but more importantly I am trying to be a friend.  You can tell me to chill and I'll not take offense, but I am more than willing to be a resource for you.  Transition is hard, authenticity is hard.  May I help?

Peace

j

Quote from: JulieBlair on July 09, 2014, 11:16:27 AM
Hmmm 21 and jaded.  Sorry sweetie, but it makes me want to take you into my arms until you feel safe.  I know that isn't on your agenda, but I'm old enough to be your grandmother, and that is what I do.

What would you like out of life?  I'm just an old hippy chick; art, music, and walks in the woods are where I find energy.  Crazy, because I make my living being an engineer.  Can you imagine the looks I got when I went full time?   It was pretty great, everyone has been so kind, I feel accepted and appreciated.

But where do you find energy and affirmation?

If you would rather not go there I understand completely.  The truth is I empathize with your anxiety and how important the Dr appointment is on Friday.  Maybe I'm trying to distract you, but more importantly I am trying to be a friend.  You can tell me to chill and I'll not take offense, but I am more than willing to be a resource for you.  Transition is hard, authenticity is hard.  May I help?

Peace

j

i guess i did pull a heart string and needed to vent. i guess i'm somewhat trying to run away from the truth. fathers are suppose to teach their children right from wrong, encourage them to be stronger than they are, help pick up the pieces of a broken heart, give the advice that their child needs and set a good example, but yet i wasnt able to get that bound and now any chance to get that much needed connection is gone, and to top it every man i met has either abused me or just straight out ignored me and said i wasnt worth their time. i was listening to a song on youtube and it just made me feel worse. just seems like the only solution to this is to sit down with my mother and have her really tell why i wasnt allowed to bound with my father before he was killed. maybe i would of turned out differently or maybe i wouldnt be so intertwined with all this tragedy. i should just name myself the child of tragedies

Yeah, I think you need to talk to your mother too.  "The child of tragedies?" what you are doing with your life is more "The child of hope"  There are more sad stories in these pages than happy ones.  What is miraculous is the transformation that happens when we move from feeling trapped to becoming authentic.

Dealing with the loss of your childhood is a start, dealing with your future is even more powerful.  Are you working with a counselor?  I don't remember reading about one.  Might be helpful if you are not.  Just sayin' ...

Talk to you later, I have to go be a software geek for the next few hours.

Cheers

j

Quote from: JulieBlair on July 09, 2014, 11:49:22 AM
Yeah, I think you need to talk to your mother too.  "The child of tragedies?" what you are doing with your life is more "The child of hope"  There are more sad stories in these pages than happy ones.  What is miraculous is the transformation that happens when we move from feeling trapped to becoming authentic.

Dealing with the loss of your childhood is a start, dealing with your future is even more powerful.  Are you working with a counselor?  I don't remember reading about one.  Might be helpful if you are not.  Just sayin' ...

Talk to you later, I have to go be a software geek for the next few hours.

Cheers

j

i have one, i just havent brought up my father in the conversation yet. i will though. i just dont see my therapist as often right now so stuff like this pops up after each session

Awww. This is so sad. I'm so sorry you lost your dad Brianna. :(

My dad is still alive but I get what you mean about love. I've always been terrified of my dad. I grew up avoiding him and I still get an intense wave of depression in the afternoons, also on weekends, because those are when I would dread him getting home from work and then hide from him all evening. I used to wish my whole family would just forget I existed one day. I want to be no contact with them because they are an infinite source of stress and pain but I never felt like they really valued my life. I started having problems as a kid and they sort of just let me rot. And then blamed me for rotting. To this day they haven't truly admitted they were neglectful at all. It all got swept under the rug. They were collecting social security for me and so they actually profited off my existence. They were still hesitant to spend money on me that they were getting for my wellbeing. They had no sense of obligation to my happiness. Just blamed me for not being happy. More like they thought I owed it to them to be happy and successful so they could tell their church friends about it or live vicariously. So I still can't talk to them without pretending I'm doing a lot better than I am and not blaming them for any of my problems even when they ask why I have problems.

I don't know, it really sucks. Family can be your best allies or your worst nightmare. It's so messed up how easily and how much family can mess you up in ways that never ever leave you. *hugs* :(

Quote from: sad panda on July 09, 2014, 12:45:20 PM
Awww. This is so sad. I'm so sorry you lost your dad Brianna. :(

My dad is still alive but I get what you mean about love. I've always been terrified of my dad. I grew up avoiding him and I still get an intense wave of depression in the afternoons, also on weekends, because those are when I would dread him getting home from work and then hide from him all evening. I used to wish my whole family would just forget I existed one day. I want to be no contact with them because they are an infinite source of stress and pain but I never felt like they really valued my life. I started having problems as a kid and they sort of just let me rot. And then blamed me for rotting. To this day they haven't truly admitted they were neglectful at all. It all got swept under the rug. They were collecting social security for me and so they actually profited off my existence. They were still hesitant to spend money on me that they were getting for my wellbeing. They had no sense of obligation to my happiness. Just blamed me for not being happy. More like they thought I owed it to them to be happy and successful so they could tell their church friends about it or live vicariously. So I still can't talk to them without pretending I'm doing a lot better than I am and not blaming them for any of my problems even when they ask why I have problems.

I don't know, it really sucks. Family can be your best allies or your worst nightmare. It's so messed up how easily and how much family can mess you up in ways that never ever leave you. *hugs* :(

talk about tragic. i'm actually glad my family has forgotten about me in a sense. my father's side is always in church and doesnt have time to even text me a hello unless i text them, and my mother, well i told her off so she doesnt text me unless i text her. my adopted mother is great but i cant wait to just disappear. when your traded off for a tiny piece of silver once, that sticks with you forever and no matter how much someone show's they care, one mess up and its the end of the world for you

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on July 09, 2014, 12:56:13 PM
talk about tragic. i'm actually glad my family has forgotten about me in a sense. my father's side is always in church and doesnt have time to even text me a hello unless i text them, and my mother, well i told her off so she doesnt text me unless i text her. my adopted mother is great but i cant wait to just disappear. when your traded off for a tiny piece of silver once, that sticks with you forever and no matter how much someone show's they care, one mess up and its the end of the world for you

Yeah it really sticks with you doesn't it. I would say I care but you would know that's kinda bull, I'm as stuck in my own world as everyone else. That's the truth. And that's what I'm trying to remember, everyone's just stuck in their own world, doesn't make it hurt less though I know. :(

sometimes i think the best thing to do is to turn off my humanity. maybe one day i can turn it back on when i get to a better place

Ikr. This world is so cold to people who really feel all of their emotions. If you can't manage this unbridled optimism it's like you aren't even human anyway, except people just get tired of dealing with you.  :-\

i was up all night yelling at my father. i even cursed him. i'm heart broken i cant have children of my own but i'm also glad because i'd end up like my parents

OK, now I'm pissed off. I appreciate and admire both of you for your courage and for your humanity.  That your families don't is unfair, uncalled for, and frankly criminal.  Still to abandon your humanity is to abandon yourself. Yeah I care about everyone, but I don't take responsibility  for your happiness.  You do, or don't, as you choose.

F*** victimization.  I had it pretty good it is true.  My boyfriend was beaten and raped as a child, but he has eschewed bitterness in favor of life.  My daughter was a stripper, married a biker, and got strung out on meth.  He's in prison for murder, she is clean, sober and raising some beautiful kids.  I've buried friends who blew their f***ing brains out, died from aids, and died from a broken heart.

Yeah I'm a sixtyone year old trans girl whose transition cost me my family, but who is loved by a beautiful man, and lives an optimistic life.  Both of you are beautiful, worthwhile, and full of the future.

Why give up on life or on love?  Sh**, I found both, so can you.  I'm here for anyone who wants their life to be full and joyful.  Authentic living is just to hard to do this solo, and without the men and women of Susan's someone would be cleaning my brains off a shower wall.  But despair need be neither fatal nor permanent.  We all get to choose to risk or to hide. 

The highest battlements we build ourselves, and we are the only ones who can choose to breach the wall.  That is the choice, sunshine or darkness.  You can choose darkness and that will be the end of it until you decide to fight to the light.  You can choose light and there are a thousand hands here to reach out to you.  Two of therm are mine.

j

Quote from: JulieBlair on July 09, 2014, 02:24:12 PM
OK, now I'm pissed off. I appreciate and admire both of you for your courage and for your humanity.  That your families don't is unfair, uncalled for, and frankly criminal.  Still to abandon your humanity is to abandon yourself. Yeah I care about everyone, but I don't take responsibility  for your happiness.  You do, or don't, as you choose.

F*** victimization.  I had it pretty good it is true.  My boyfriend was beaten and raped as a child, but he has eschewed bitterness in favor of life.  My daughter was a stripper, married a biker, and got strung out on meth.  He's in prison for murder, she is clean, sober and raising some beautiful kids.  I've buried friends who blew their f***ing brains out, died from aids, and died from a broken heart.

Yeah I'm a sixtyone year old trans girl whose transition cost me my family, but who is loved by a beautiful man, and lives an optimistic life.  Both of you are beautiful, worthwhile, and full of the future.

Why give up on life or on love?  Sh**, I found both, so can you.  I'm here for anyone who wants their life to be full and joyful.  Authentic living is just to hard to do this solo, and without the men and women of Susan's someone would be cleaning my brains off a shower wall.  But despair need be neither fatal nor permanent.  We all get to choose to risk or to hide. 

The highest battlements we build ourselves, and we are the only ones who can choose to breach the wall.  That is the choice, sunshine or darkness.  You can choose darkness and that will be the end of it until you decide to fight to the light.  You can choose light and there are a thousand hands here to reach out to you.  Two of therm are mine.

j

i'm sry julie. i hate playing victim becuase i hate being petted. i guess i try to hold out hope that maybe one day i wouldnt feel so cold. i just want honestly, sincerity and not some sugarcoated lie just to make me feel better. 

Brianna,

You do not ever need to apologize to me for being honest.  There is not much I wouldn't do to make you and the other abused kids I know here whole.  Do you get the agape thing.  It is possible to love without expectation.  I don't give a rats ass about sugar coated pablum.  The truth is you deserve better than you've gotten.  You feel cold, because to trust is to be available to pain that you just might not make it back from.

It is up to you.  I care, take a risk, be a friend.  Most of all, do whatever it takes to feel.  My ex accused me of being an automaton and incapable of making connections.  Probably some truth there.  I spent almost all my life despising myself and unable to look at that dude who held me prisoner.  You have a chance with youth and courage on your side.  If I can lend some strength good,  if not I'll try to anyway.

If you want to talk send me a note, and you can have my phone number.  I've been doing AA, NA and a bunch of other acronyms 20/7 for decades.  If not, no harm, no foul.  I'm not a therapist, and have no illusions about being able to change anything.  I only share experience, strength, and most of all hope.  (I also go hiking, mountaineering, running, baking bread in a brick oven, and make an amazing pizza.)

S*** girl you have the com, you can make the choice about how you choose to live.

j

Quote from: JulieBlair on July 09, 2014, 02:47:37 PM
Brianna,

You do not ever need to apologize to me for being honest.  There is not much I wouldn't do to make you and the other abused kids I know here whole.  Do you get the agape thing.  It is possible to love without expectation.  I don't give a rats ass about sugar coated pablum.  The truth is you deserve better than you've gotten.  You feel cold, because to trust is to be available to pain that you just might not make it back from.

It is up to you.  I care, take a risk, be a friend.  Most of all, do whatever it takes to feel.  My ex accused me of being an automaton and incapable of making connections.  Probably some truth there.  I spent almost all my life despising myself and unable to look at that dude who held me prisoner.  You have a chance with youth and courage on your side.  If I can lend some strength good,  if not I'll try to anyway.

If you want to talk send me a note, and you can have my phone number.  I've been doing AA, NA and a bunch of other acronyms 20/7 for decades.  If not, no harm, no foul.  I'm not a therapist, and have no illusions about being able to change anything.  I only share experience, strength, and most of all hope.  (I also go hiking, mountaineering, running, baking bread in a brick oven, and make an amazing pizza.)

S*** girl you have the com, you can make the choice about how you choose to live.

j

your better than a therapist so no qualms on that. i try to be positive, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt. this is one fear my therapist and my psychiatrist have about me going on hormones, my attitude towards life may not change at all. ugh! why cant i go back in time and just start from the begininning

You can!

Twenty-five years ago I was dying from alcoholism (Yeah Lisa came by addiction honestly)  Sobering up restarted the clock. Two and a half years ago I was thinking about how to kill myself, not if.  Dysphoria by that time ruled every part of my soul.  I began to seek to become authentic, and the clock was reset again.

Big change; Hard change, gives us the chance to be reinvented.  That reinvention provides the way to clear away the past and transcend it.  I think that is what your therapist is hoping for, and that is what you endocrinologist needs to be comfortable with.  For me estrogen changed my world.  Not by itself, but by the commitment to the scary and seemingly impossible task of becoming Julie.  I'm getting really close. 

It has taken what it took, but I love who I have become, I've even made peace with that poor dude who controlled me for almost six decades.  He did his best, but it is my time now, and I will not squander it.

Is this your time? Are you willing to let go of the sh** and become the you that is there.  I can see her, she is thoughtful, she is valuable.  Takes a lot of guts to become new.  Do you think you have that mojo?

j

Quote from: JulieBlair on July 09, 2014, 03:50:33 PM
You can!

Twenty-five years ago I was dying from alcoholism (Yeah Lisa came by addiction honestly)  Sobering up restarted the clock. Two and a half years ago I was thinking about how to kill myself, not if.  Dysphoria by that time ruled every part of my soul.  I began to seek to become authentic, and the clock was reset again.

Big change; Hard change, gives us the chance to be reinvented.  That reinvention provides the way to clear away the past and transcend it.  I think that is what your therapist is hoping for, and that is what you endocrinologist needs to be comfortable with.  For me estrogen changed my world.  Not by itself, but by the commitment to the scary and seemingly impossible task of becoming Julie.  I'm getting really close. 

It has taken what it took, but I love who I have become, I've even made peace with that poor dude who controlled me for almost six decades.  He did his best, but it is my time now, and I will not squander it.

Is this your time? Are you willing to let go of the sh** and become the you that is there.  I can see her, she is thoughtful, she is valuable.  Takes a lot of guts to become new.  Do you think you have that mojo?

j

ugh! realizing not having my father has caused me hell, added with the abuse just makes me almost irreparable. i realize i need therapy but the type of therapy i need is to far out of my reach thus it concerns my psychiatrist and my therapist, so i wont know how i feel until after friday

Well for what its worth, I believe, and I'll be here.
j