Susan's Place Transgender Resources

First post! This might be bit of a lengthy post as well, so please bear with me. Being wordy has always been an unfortunate predisposition of mine.

Anyways, I find myself wondering if the presence of BPD in a transgender individual can make it that much more harder to come to the realization that one is in fact, transgender. I feel that it's possible that the difficulties that the BPD individual faces in constructing a steady self-identity upon the true self can bring a great amount of difficulty in coming to terms with the fact one's actual gender identity is in-congruent with the body. When paired with the peer pressures to conform amongst one's sex gender, it's likely to further prevent one from an building a clear and accurate self-image of one's self to find out if such suspicions are true. I feel that the comorbidity of BPD with GID (I'm sure it can happen) can entangle with each other that can leave one in total confusion as to who they really are, adding many tiring miles to the journey of self-discovery and achieving happiness.

A few weeks ago I came to the realization that I'm more than likely to be MTF transgender myself. I relate to many of the narratives I've read, and with many hours of introspection and the analysis of my past behaviors and feelings, I really feel like I've unraveled the truth about my true self. My self-diagnosed BPD is something that brings great concern to me though, as it makes me wonder if I'm just fooling myself, especially after the relief of having reached a momentous milestone in my path to overall happiness and accepting myself. I guess it'll be best if I first elaborate on the reasons that lead me to believe I'm transgender.

In childhood I never questioned my gender much. Can't say I really felt like a boy, I did my best to be one, though figuring that since I was a boy I had to act like one. I had friendships with both genders, though the memories of my female friends have always been more prevalent. There are many less fond memories of being ostracized by the boys for my open, gentle and caring nature. It didn't help much that my natural reaction to such criticism was to just cry, I was never able to handle it too well or properly stand up for myself to prevent such treatment. Never got into many of the masculine-oriented activities such as rough and tumble play, or any sort of sport. I played with boy and girl toys growing up, never having a preference for either as long it was something that would allow me to express my imagination.

If I have BPD, I probably developed it from the implications of my parent's divorce at 8, where I spent a ridiculous amount of time at the daycare after school and summertime, and often the babysitters on the weekends. The abandonment probably brought it on more than anything else. Some of the symptoms of BPD I have experienced is my penchant for impulsiveness, unstable self-image, feelings of emptiness, mood swings, transient paranoia and dissociation. Whereas when I was 9, I began to desire a deep longing to be a girl, wishing to wake up as one while developing an all encompassing interest in gender-swap scenarios throughout books and TV. I can't say I felt like one inside. Though by then I had already begun to despise what my inner-nature had brought upon me from others, and had tried to ignore them best I could.

Upon adolescence my desire to be a girl took on a sexual aspect. Though I was attracted to females, it was never a sexual attraction and I was never sure if I wanted to be with them, or 'be' them, the latter was often more prominent. Other than that I'm more or less asexual. As much as I found myself relating less to males as I aged, I tried my best to fit in with them while repressing my natural mannerisms and reactions. I never felt as authentic like them, and that fact brought on great anxiety in their presence, I certainly felt as if I had a defect somewhere. Mild depression eventually set in and never went away since then. Eventually the pressure to fit in became too much and I shut down emotionally and became withdrawn. I hung out with friends irregularly, opting to chat online where I could express myself more openly. My empathetic side often led me to enjoying helping others with interpersonal problems and straighten out their own problems.

From my teenage years to now (22), the desires to feminize myself and feel more like a woman have slowly been intensifying, feelings entirely independent of any sexual aspect. Embracing them had always brought me comfort though without a steady sense of identity, it only served to mystify me most of the time. I had long hair since freshman year of high school, the thoughts of having it cut off or going bald just makes me feel all anxious. I'm overly concerned with appearance and hygiene and am clean shaven even on my days off, no plans on ever having a beard.

During my journey in the hunt for that ever evasive sense of well-being, I'd begun to practice mindfulness meditation in hopes that I could finally learn to be happy with myself. After a few months of practicing meditation, my BPD symptoms experienced an immense reduction in strength, to where I noticed a sense of identity starting to manifest, from what I learned, it didn't resemble that of a male. I quickly became aware that many aspects of my personality were feminine in nature, along with how easily I identified with the opposite gender. Soon enough, my desire of wanting to be a woman have quickly accumulated to the point where I'd be stricken with envy when ever I saw a cute girl while out in public, whereas I've grown a dislike to my own masculine characteristics. As much as I enjoyed them once, TG stories don't do anything for me anymore, usually a quick way to end up in a depressed state rather than feeling aroused. I've taken up crossdressing to ease these feelings of existential dissatisfaction though I can see it quickly becoming an addiction.

I've been depressed for a number of months now, dealing with hardly any appetite, lack of motivation and insomnia due to these feelings. This doubt about myself has reached the point to where I had no choice but to schedule an appointment with a gender therapist as I see no possibility of escaping these feelings. I've even begun giving serious thought to transitioning, because honestly, I can't even imagine a future where I'm still a man it feels like. With the reduced severity of my BPD my self-image is starting to feel more like that of a girl than anything else. Though it's still a bit cloudy, it's more or less consistent enough that it lines up with my true self. I know there have been reports of BPD causing GID, and I do fear that it might be the BPD that's causing it for me, but the fact that it feels so true to me makes me hope that isn't the case.

Meditation has endowed me with the ability to be more connected to who I am deep inside, but as I become more mindful of what I really am, I can't help but wonder if it has the side-effect of creating gender dysphoria alongside that. For example, recently my leg hair ended up bothering me to the point to where I had to shave it off, and I'm certainly becoming more aware of the presence of my genitals and am starting to wish they weren't there. Anyone wonder if meditation can affect transgendered individuals in these ways?

There has been a natural sequence to these chain of events it seems. From not feeling like an authentic man, to my conviction that I think and react more like a girl, to the point where I very well may have the mind of one. I'm still conflicted about thoughts of transition though, mainly due to my fear of all the implications that it will bring upon me, hurting loved ones and such, but I fear I may have reached the point to where I won't ever be happy with myself unless I go through with it. I know it won't be the panacea to all the problems in my life and it'll just add more, but I wonder if the happiness of being who you're supposed to be will make it worth all that?

I apologize again for the length of this post, hopefully some of you might be able to share some thoughts and insights on the possible effects of BPD may have on a transgender individual. Though I had feelings of trepidation upon the realization, I was overall relieved to unearth my true self and how my dissatisfaction life was caused by the repression of my actual gender identity, but it scares me to think it might be a mirage.  :(

I couldn't read through all of that post *fwew* but I read a good portion *pats self on back* *looks sheepish*
I am on the autistic landscape so I understand what you are going through. Unlike your symptoms, I actually tend to be disconnected from my emotional state, so I have been struggling to be certain.
I find that what works 100% of the time, is to look at a picture I took of myself as a woman.
The feeling I get looking at myself expressing my female identity is .. I can't describe it.. I get butterflies and teary eyed and just want to curl up in bed and grin from ear to ear for the rest of the day.
In that moment I have no doubts I am a woman on the inside.
I also definitely think that being not neurotypical can be futteruckingly confusing when it comes to your identity.

I am too tired to write an honest reply right now but am dx BPD and I'll post my experience from another thread (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,162348.0.html):

Quote from: sad panda on March 31, 2014, 11:19:28 PM
to give a different perspective... I am both trans (maab and living as a girl for 2 yrs now) and BPD and I think my BPD was a big reason I transitioned. I don't think I would have done it without the identity problems i have from BPD (and attachment, cuz of my boyfriend who is the only reason i am still transitioned.) I mean in a lot of ways I don't feel like a boy but I think I was clinging to being trans to fill in for a lack of an identity. But I think I suffer really deeply from the borderline symptoms in terms of functioning, so it might be different for other people. Also my BPD was diagnosed a long time after I transitioned, my therapist before transitioning was too focused on me being feminine which she acted like was the source of all my problems and also she was a CBT therapist so no wonder it never got dxed until I saw a trauma therapist.

That said your therapist should not invalidate one just because of the other... I've complained about being trans and how emotionally hard it is for me countless times to my T who maintains that I am BPD and has never for a second questioned my transition and has said she'll do anything she can to help with it. And she isn't even familiar with trans issues so. I don't think they should be mutually exclusive, just, yeah the identity thing can also extend to gender confusion IMO... maybe it just hits an MAAB person a lil harder bc of not working well with the socialization people force on you. I don't really know.

Oh, also, my bf was reading this book about BPD and he said one thing that stood out to him that he always noticed from me was always having this nagging, constant feeling that other people think you are fake or wrong or whatever... so that affects being trans for me too. I never feel valid in my transition bc no matter how hard I try I personally cannot self validate. It won't feel right unless other people give me that validation. So maybe I really am trans and just constantly start doubting myself obsessively until people validate me again.

I guess what happened though was that transition didn't solve anyhing for me. I can't apprciate whether or not I feel better as a girl if i even do, all the ways I thought I would be happier didn't really help make me happier in the end. All I gained was one more way to feel fake and uncomfortable... sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear but it's just me :c

Edit (sorry for all the edits) one thing i also noticed is that when I see things glorifying being a boy now, esp a femme gay boy, I really want to be a boy again and it feels just like how I used to want to be a girl. So it feels like i'm just trying to fill an emptiness, not really identifying as these things, but I always end up doing that :/

Yeah the fact that I probably have ASD has definitely played a part in the difficulty I've experienced in figuring out my own gender identity, if my self-diagnosed BPD wasn't the case in the first place. The thought of transition still sounds appealing as I would no longer have to see a male in the mirror, but rather seeing the physical representation of what I feel inside, being able to express the entirety of my personality with womanly grace without it feeling all wrong. I just can't shake how intimidating the thought of it is though, and if I would ever be able to pull it off.

It doesn't help matters much that I'm so disheartened with how life is for me right now. For the longest time, I've been ghosting through life. Days come and go, leaving not the slightest impression on me. It's become an endless cycle of go to work, eat, and sleep with nothing to look forward to. I hang with friends but even that I'm losing motivation since I often feel so uncomfortable with who I am on the outside. Having the thought of being a male for my entire life on top of it all makes me incredibly sad. I'm hoping seeing a therapist will give me an opportunity to work this stuff out before I reach the point of being unable to cope. 

I'll admit the accumulation of all these feelings have been pulling me down for awhile, and I can acknowledge transition wouldn't be the cure-all for it but the thought of being able to live as a woman, treated as one and to see my body as such would give me such satisfaction and motivation to deal with what problems arise. Maybe getting all this other stuff dealt with first is what I need to do before considering that option. I just can't tell if this dissatisfaction with my gender-body in-congruence has had some purpose in causing this malaise with life in the first place.

I'll make sure to take into consideration the implications BPD might have with transition. For me, self-validation is something I've become a lot better at since practicing mindfulness techniques. Though it has its downsides, I wouldn't want BPD to be the sole reason for not transitioning if it can be treated, other trans individuals seem to make it out alright with it.

I have both BPD and am trans (both diagnosed). Yes, I'd say that being BPD (or the life events that cause it) does make it more difficult to figure out if one is trans. After a certain life event, I lost who I was entirely for awhile. As a result, I didn't figure out I was a guy until several years of therapy later when I was able to figure out who I am again. I also was very thorough in making sure this was right for me and spent a few months analyzing myself and my gender.
I would like to point out though that I figured out I'm trans at the most mentally healthy I've ever been.

Digeridoo,

I think that when someone has any sort of co-existing mental health issue, it's easy for those issues to overshadow any dysphoria that may be present at the same time.  I'm not exactly sure what it is that I have (although bi-polar disorder and BPD seem to have come up a few times more than other diagnoses).  When it comes to mental health, I don't think any issues are really independent of one another.  Oftentimes, working towards solving one problem can help the others immensely.  My family actually wanted to use my history of mental health issues as a reason for me not to transition, and can't say that the thought didn't go through my head-that somehow, I wasn't "worthy" of becoming the person I should have been because of how I've struggled in the past.  Transitioning has actually made a huge positive difference on my health.  I'm happier, I'm not as depressed as I used to be, and I feel happy to be alive (oddly enough).  People who I knew before all think I've changed completely, and for the better.  For me, solving one issue helped fixed a laundry list of others.  My life isn't perfect now, but it's improved immensely.

You said that you feel as if you need to work through your depression and other issues before you can consider transitioning-have you considered that beginning the process of transitioning might help your depression?  Suppressing who you are for twenty two years isn't exactly a healthy thing to do, and who knows?  That might be what's causing some of your issues.  Some things may be a bit harder because of the other problems you've had, but having BPD should be no obstacle towards becoming the person you want to be.  It doesn't sound to me (an complete non-expert) that this is just a symptom of your BPD.  The title of your post is "BPD or Transgender", but it sounds to me like are most likely both!  And I can't even begin to tell you how much working towards one issue has helped me with the other.  You need to do whatever will make you happiest, BPD aside.  At least, that's my two cents!