Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi all,

I'm not really sure if this is the right place, but I couldn't find any place where I could find good answers. Also I apologize in advance if I offend anyone as I don't know much about transgenders and I might offend someone because of that (which is not my intention).

First let me introduce me. I'm Mark and I'm 24 years old. I met this wonderful girl (same age as me) about 4 months ago. She is rather shy and reserved, but that didn't stop her from saying what she really thought (I really admire that, as I often just blurt out what I'm thinking without thinking). There was this great chemistry between us (I really had a great time with her) and we started to text each other after that (we don't live in the same city). After a week or so I knew I really liked her. I didn't expected what happened next. She told me she was born as a boy but always saw herself a girl and that she was now taking step to change that (she was 6 months on the hormones at the time). I thought she was making a joke as she is funny, but it was the truth. I really like her so I accepted her wholly even though she still has a penis and has facial hair. The fact that she has a penis did bother me a bit, but as i really like her and she's on the waiting list to get the sex change operation (did I say that right?) I stopped bothering and like her for who she is.
We have been dating and since I'm really in love with her and she is in love with me she became my girlfriend and I became her boyfriend.

However I have a problem. I just like her so much that whenever we are intimate (read cuddling, kissing or just being close to each other) I almost always get hard one. We did talk about it twice and she said that she didn't want to be touched down there, doesn't want to have anal sex (I don't like giving it either) and she hasn't gotten the operation yet so the other one is crossed out. She came with the solution that she can give me ->-bleeped-<-s instead. Though it nice to receive it (we haven't done it yet), I don't want to be the only one getting pleasure. I just don't know how to give her the pleasure she wants and can get.

I just want her to be happy and I want to find something that can please her. Can anybody help me?

Communication.

Talk with her and ask if there is anything she feels OK with.

Once you learn what's  OK respect her boundaries.

It can work just fine till she is complete.

Izzy

We will be fine, i'm 100% sure of that .

We did talk about what she feels ok with and that was giving me a ->-bleeped-<-, but nothing about herself. Also she didn't really look comfortable when she said she that giving me a ->-bleeped-<- would be okay. It sounded more like she wanted to please me more than herself. I just don't want her to force herself to do something she isn't ready for or something that she doesn't want to do.

I'm just thinking outloud here, meaby it's her body. Meaby she thinks she still looks bad or still looks masculine? I told her she looks beautiful (i really think so), but meaby she doesn't think that herself. Can that meaby be it?

Nonetheless I will talk about it and make clear that I love her and that she is beautiful no matter what wants or doesn't want to do.

Hi. She could be dysphoric about being touched down there like I am. It is often a really tough thing for us to deal with pre surgery. It is not a good idea for her to practice anal sex as well because it can cause fissures in the rectum which could affect her surgery and recovery and might cause complications. As long as she is happy with how things go just accept that. You can make up for it when she is healed from SRS!  :)

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Quote from: Jessica Merriman on July 17, 2014, 04:36:08 PM
She could be dysphoric about being touched down there like I am.

Yes she has already told me that she doesn't want to be touched there. Same about anal sex (she doesn't want to recieve it and I don't want to give it, it's a one way street, her words ;)).

Is SRS the big operation? I'm sure we will make up for it after she's healed up *grins*

It's not that I just want to do something with her. I want her to feel good like she wants to do for me (and I feel bad that I can't think of a way).

Quote from: mark s on July 17, 2014, 04:57:31 PM
Is SRS the big operation?

Yes it is. It is very expensive and takes usually 6 months up to a year to properly heal. I believe my doctor said not to use the new equipment for a minimum of 16 weeks. Any sooner and she could risk complications. If she is happy and says so, quit worrying, you are doing fine.  :)

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on July 17, 2014, 05:00:30 PM
It is very expensive

She told me it's covered by basic health insurance here in the Netherlands so she doesn't need to worry about money (though she did mention something about hair removal being costy and that her mom is covering that). And it will take about 7 months before she finaly scheduled to have surgery so we will work it out before then :)

As I said earlier

Quote from: mark s on July 17, 2014, 04:32:02 PM
Also she didn't really look comfortable when she said that giving me a ->-bleeped-<- would be okay. It sounded more like she wanted to please me more than thinking of herself. I just don't want her to force herself to do something she isn't ready for or something that she doesn't want to do.

.

Quote from: mark s on July 17, 2014, 04:32:02 PM
Nonetheless I will talk about it and make clear that I love her and that she is beautiful no matter what she wants or doesn't want to do.

Yes i'm lazy :p

Sometimes just the simplest things brought me happiness pre. Me i loved just being held in a warm embrace.

Me and my husband have been dealing with this in a very, very long time. We both have our issues with things in intimacy.

It truly is communication. You need to express your feeling with out over reaching the boundaries. That is hard if you do not spend the time and talk about intimacy.

Now i am post nothing is out of bounds, it has been one ell of a ride getting here though.

Patients and Communication.

You will find that medium.

Isabell

I know she loves to cuddle and kiss with me. Meaby thats all she wants now.

Now that I think about it, when we start to cuddle and kiss she becomes very feminine (so not super feminine during and that turns me even more on). If we keep at it for long enough she becomes really hot and even more feminine. How did I miss this? Cuddling while kissing is sex for her.

Well I can always release some steam on my own (which I will definitely need after next time).

Thank you for your input "mind is quiet now" I think I have found what I needed to know. I will see her again in two days so I will see what she finds about it.

Quote from: mark s on July 17, 2014, 06:12:14 PM
I know she loves to cuddle and kiss with me. Meaby thats all she wants now.

Now that I think about it, when we start to cuddle and kiss she becomes very feminine (so not super feminine during and that turns me even more on). If we keep at it for long enough she becomes really hot and even more feminine. How did I miss this? Cuddling while kissing is sex for her.

Well I can always release some steam on my own (which I will definitely need after next time).

Thank you for your input "mind is quiet now" I think I have found what I needed to know. I will see her again in two days so I will see what she finds about it.

Yw, See sometimes the answer is always there but just need a little help finding it.

Yes you have the option to respect her feelings and take care of things when you have some ME time lol.  :o

Isabell

Hi Mark, saw you were from the Netherlands so thought I'd reply incase you want to PM me and talk to me if its easier to explain some things and. And us dutchies are pretty rare here  so that's nice :P

I am on HRT for 3 months now so a lot is changing and I am feeling in touch with my body again, energetic and alive. I dont have the bottom dypshoria as much as your girl has but it's a worry for if I end up meeting someone at some point pre-SRS.

Lack of libido (I'm not having any libido atm) doesnt have to influence your overall mood but it does affect your desire to get excited and need for intimacy. Maybe she's expecting something similair, a void?

YOu're already trying to get to talk her about her physicials needs and fears and telling yours but it's a such a difficult subject that it needs time and perhaps some experimention.

I really hope you two can start somewhere and enjoy it

Thanks for the offer YinYanga, but I don't really need help explaining stuff. She explained most of the things.

I already told her that she doesn't need to worry about what she still has, but she might still worry about it.

Her libido seems to be alright as when we are intimate (kissing and cuddling for some time) she does heat up and really becomes very feminine (she is already feminine, but it skyrockets when she gets hot). It is something that only happens when we are very intimate. So she does get exited.

I don't think we need to experiment (as she doesn't want to be touched there and doesn't want anal sex nor do I want to do that). She's most likely not ready for sexual things. She also said that this is her first time being in a relationship so it's logical she isn't ready yet.

I'm going to see her anyway tomorrow and we will see it from there. I will give an update how it went.

I understand, wish you both well

Hello, Mark, and welcome!

I'm a partner of a trans girl like you, and while our situations aren't be the same, I can offer you some advice: perhaps she doesn't need intimacy right now. If you truly are as loving and special as you come across as in your posts, she'll be feeling special enough as it is, especially if you're understanding and respect that right now she doesn't want to acknowledge the part of her that triggers her gender dysphoria. Trans people have a hard enough time battling dysphoria when they're faced with whatever triggers it (shaving, genitalia, facial features, photos of themselves, mirrors, etc.), so I think she's being honest when she says she is more than happy just to be held and loved by you right now. And she sounds more than willing to express her happiness and love to you, which is her choice, and you'll know if you're both ready for that step - but it won't hurt just to say "Are you sure?" if the time comes.

Good luck. I hope you work things out. If your gf is anything like mine, she'll be an amazing, faithful, loving partner because you saw her and loved her when she was feeling less than herself. :)

Sometimes all it takes is a few kisses on the cheek and hold her hand.

If you can't physically please your girlfriend, Emotionally please her.

Eventually when the time comes, all that waiting is going to make your first time together so much more amazing than if she just gave in and felt like she HAD to do it to keep you for herself.


Not sure if I helped any, but if you love each other you should have no problem making it work until she's ready.

Best of luck to you Mark, sending hopes of smooth sailing your way buddy!

Just a quick update (more will follow when I have time).

It was an emotional day but it it ended good. Let's just say that I can't imagine a future without her anymore after yesterday and today.

I know it's strange that I tell all this to strangers, but my friends just wouldn't get it (they don't know she is transgender). They would have said that she will be too much of a hassle (ironically they never had girlfriends and just pretty much just fooled around with girls). A good girl friend of mine (who I knew since grade school) might understand me and what is happening, but as I don't want to out her I just told her basic stuff (and left out stuff that could potentially out her). I haven't told anyone that she is transgender (not even my mom who is very accepting and nice to everyone) as when I looked for information about transgenders I read that is insensitive to cruel to out transgenders.

As I said before here is the update.

We take turns visiting each other as we don't live nearby. Yesterday it was my turn to visit.

When my train arrived I saw her already standing there with a basket. As I thought we went for a picnic at the park near the water. That said she didn't sound that exited to see me like she used to be. Something felt wrong. The shine in her eyes were gone. I tried to get her to laugh, but all I got was a smile and then back to being somewhat depressed. I thought if there is something bothering her she would tell me.

We got to the spot she wanted and we started with sandwiches and a drink. She is passionate with cooking (and is good at it) so I thought I'd ask her how she made the sandwiches. The shine came back and she excitedly told me how she made it. However she reverted back when she was done.

I asked what was wrong and she said that she was okay. Red flags started to rise in my head. My ex used to use "I'm okay" or "it's fine" to make me feel horrible when nothing really happened (needless to say why she's an ex). However I had a gut feeling that she really was bothered by something (I thought it might be the whole ->-bleeped-<- issue) so I ignored the red flags in my head. I said "you're not okay. I can see that you are not feeling well and or are bothered by something."

As I said that she broke down. I held her as she cried in my arms. I let her cry till she calmed down a bit. She said that she wasn't ready in a sexually way yet (like I said earlier here). She was scared that she would lose me if she wouldn't do anything sexually (because we talked about sex and that I often had a hard one because of her which she noticed it every time) and that was the reason why she said she would give me a ->-bleeped-<-, even though she wasn't ready for it. I made sure she understood that I wouldn't leave her because she wasn't done yet or because she isn't ready for anything sexual.
She told me why she was so insecure. She said that a boy, who was born as a girl (that would be a trans boy?), made her fall in love with him and then ultimately dump her after two dates (he even flirted with her before the date where he dumped her). I can totally understand why something like that would make her insecure. After that she told me about the things she went through. I must say if it was me who experienced the things she had I would probably be messed up beyond repair. First thing I did when she was done talking was to hold her tightly. She finally relaxed and didn't feel tense anymore. When she was totally relaxed I also told her of the bad things that happened to me.

After that we just hugged, not saying a word. After some time I said quietly in her ear "I love you". I felt tears falling down on my shoulder and she hugged me even tighter. We just stayed there for some time.

Time flew by and before we knew it, it was evening. We went to her place (well it's a private student house where 5 others live, but she has a private room) and we ordered some food while watching a movie.

I noticed she was very tired (was a heavy day for both of us) so I said I would go back home so she could get some sleep. What happened was something that I didn't see coming. She asked if I wanted to stay and sleep with her (we haven't even stayed over yet). I asked if she was sure and she nodded so I said yes. She looked really happy when I said yes.

She asked me if I could leave the room so she could change and she gave me her old boy pajama pants (which I fitted) so I didn't sleep in just my underwear. I said that I don't need a shirt as it was way too hot there (and I knew it would only get hotter) and I knew she would most likely like that. She looked really cute in her pajamas, which I told her. She blushed and I said after that to break the tension "hey guess what, I'm in your pants now" we both cracked up.

She gracefully climbed up on her queen sized loft bed. I tried to do the same but the whole bed wiggled too much. It felt liked it would collapse if I moved too much.
We kissed and we cuddled while laying together. As predicted I got a hard one. She looked like she was saying if I was alright so I said "Don't worry darling, just go to sleep". I embraced her and after some time she fell asleep. Me, still having a hard one, couldn't sleep as thoughts raced through my head how it would be if she had the surgery (couldn't help thinking about it, yes I know men are horny pigs blablabla) and beside that it was really hot, the room that is.

Next thing I knew was that two blue eyes were staring at me in a lit hot room (I must have fallen asleep without noticing it). She kissed me and said good morning (her partly removed facial did itch me a bit, but I didn't care). Me, still half asleep, mumbled something. I'm really not a morning person so I don't have a clue what happened beside her blue eyes staring at me, the hot room and her good morning kiss (which didn't fully wake me up).
When I finally was in the land of the living (meaning awake and aware) we had breakfast and watched the news about the plane which was most likely shot down. After that we head to the station to because I really needed to leave (I had things I really needed to do).

When we arrived at the train station I held her tight and said that if she was bothered by something she should say it so we can fix it or make sure it doesn't happen anymore. We kissed and she said that she loved me. I said that I love her and that nothing will change how I think about her. Right after that I surprised her with a kiss. I entered the train and we texted while waiting for the train to depart.

And that was the end of what happened yesterday. Thought it was very emotional yesterday we made great progress. I really think we trust each other fully now.

As I said earlier I really see a future with her and I would be devastated to lose her. I want to make her happy and protect her so she will never feel bad again.
That sounded a bit like a proposal eh. O well that's for in the future.

---

@kitty

Yes it seems she's still struggling with her body. If you asked me she's beautiful, but you can't fix how somebody sees themselves. I can only show her that I think she's beautiful and hope she will start to think so as well.

And indeed she's a amazing girl who really loves me so and who I love so I'm sure we will stay together.

---

@Ptaurus

Yes it was indeed that she thought she would lose me if she didn't do it. We talked it through and it seemed that her past made her think that way.

I'm not 100% sure if the first time will be great, with for her being the first time and also a body part which hasn't existed that long. Though a ->-bleeped-<-, when she's ready, might be awesome.
What I really look forward to is seeing her naked. I will stop writing now because I'm getting exited just thinking about it and I might come off as a pervert (might already been that way).

Being sexually active with somebody experiencing dysphoria can be challenging at times. My girlfriend does not like her genitals at all, but she can't deny the pleasure she's capable of having with them. She hasn't been on hormones for long so her breasts are still growing and her skin is still very sensitive, so touching her pretty much anywhere is pleasurable. I've found that so long as I don't start down there or move down there too quickly, things go smoothly and eventually her body guides me to them and then she's okay with me touching her down there.

How did you two manage to even sleep ?? It was so humid here, yukkk

I do feel positive reading your story despite the sexual difficulties (And I don't think you're pig being open about having desires, most young guys wouldnt even be open to the relationship you're exploring with her now)

I only have sparse sexual experience (guy and girl) but I enjoyed having clothed sex cuddling and kissing them and pleasing them/getting them off was great. Never went further sex wise because I didnt like the confrontation and went into an overanalyzing talk with them which doused the love flames eventually

Anyway, go see her again soon!   :)

@YinYanga
We were exhausted. When we were watching the movie on the couch after eating, I saw her dozing off now and then. Must say that also I wasn't that much away from falling asleep. It was just that my arousal kept me awake. Trust me, if you are exhausted enough you will fall asleep without knowing.

That's also how I fall asleep if I can't sleep. I will just do exercises for about 15 - 30 minutes and if I lay my head down I will quickly fall asleep.

We decided not to do anything sexual. That said she likes being caressed (her body) while being kissed and I like her hand on me when we are doing that (they are so wonderful cold) so that will be the farthest we will go (till she decided to go further in whatever way).

We will try.

---

@Wheatbread
She really isn't okay with that. Farthest she allowed was me grabbing her butt, she liked that quite a lot.
Anything other, with exception of the lower side of her tummy, near there she gets uneasy.

Quote from: mark s on July 20, 2014, 04:04:06 PM
I know it's strange that I tell all this to strangers, but my friends just wouldn't get it (they don't know she is transgender). They would have said that she will be too much of a hassle (ironically they never had girlfriends and just pretty much just fooled around with girls). A good girl friend of mine (who I knew since grade school) might understand me and what is happening, but as I don't want to out her I just told her basic stuff (and left out stuff that could potentially out her). I haven't told anyone that she is transgender (not even my mom who is very accepting and nice to everyone) as when I looked for information about transgenders I read that is insensitive to cruel to out transgenders.

Sometimes it's best to tell strangers, because strangers - especially ones who are going through the same thing - can offer unbiased, objective opinions. But don't listen to *anyone* who tells you your girl's a hassle, because no one but *you* can say how you feel about things. What they see as a hassle might be effortless for you. And it sounds like loving your gf *is* effortless for you. :) In fact, I don't think your friends need ever know who she used to be. It's not fair to dredge up a person's history after they've changed - for anyone, not just transgenders. When I introduce myself to someone, I don't say, "Hi, I'm Kitty. I used to have acne as a kid, but now I don't". :D

But as for the distance thing, I know that all too well. I lived miles and miles from my soulmate for years, and seeing each other sporadically was so difficult. But that's how we knew we had something special: rather than break us up, the time apart only made us long for each other more. And now we're living together, life is fantastic (yes, even though she's come out as trans).

And wow. You seem really caring and understanding in regards to your gf's situation. Keep taking things at her pace and don't push anything she's uncomfortable with, and just see how things go from there. Maybe in time she will learn not to hate some aspects of herself - that her body is capable of making her feel incredible - or maybe she will never fully be happy until she has surgery. Either way, by the sounds of it you have a spiritual connection that will withstand the wait. And I'm a firm believer that the longer you spend talking to a potential partner rather than just jumping into bed with them, the more chance of success the relationship has. If you "click" and resonate on an emotional level, and can make each other laugh or talk, you'll have many happy years together with great sex on top. :D