Community Conversation => Transsexual talk => Female to male transsexual talk (FTM) => Topic started by: ES360 on July 17, 2014, 08:04:42 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Saying hi + strong physical dysphoria, venting a little
Post by: ES360 on July 17, 2014, 08:04:42 PM
Post by: ES360 on July 17, 2014, 08:04:42 PM
Hi all. I've visited this forum a lot over the past year or so, but not posted. I'm a student in a British uni, and came out about half a year ago. Everyone's been supportive, my friends have started using male pronouns recently at my request and I'm sure my parents will remember eventually.
The main problem is my body, basically. I wake up and am immediately down just because of my physical existence. It will be quite a long time before I can get anything done medically, and so I have whole days where I try to not let any part of my body touch any other part because I disgust myself so much. There is nothing I don't hate about it, and I spend hours crying sometimes because that seems like the only way to vent the anger that might otherwise result in me harming myself.
It's not always this bad, it's partly because it's summer and I have less social life (nothing distracts me like other people) but at the moment I'm just really struggling. My dysphoria is also exacerbated by the fact that I train in a martial art, meaning that there are constant references to physical differences between the sexes. Our sports centre has absolutely no option for changing except the two gender-specific ones, and I don't feel comfortable going into either (a certain British dislike of social awkwardness, that)
I'm not really looking for answers, just to vent a little as none of my friends are so close that I feel like this is something I could share. I'd also welcome any pointers if I've stuck this somewhere wrong, or need to add tags or whatever. Thanks :)
The main problem is my body, basically. I wake up and am immediately down just because of my physical existence. It will be quite a long time before I can get anything done medically, and so I have whole days where I try to not let any part of my body touch any other part because I disgust myself so much. There is nothing I don't hate about it, and I spend hours crying sometimes because that seems like the only way to vent the anger that might otherwise result in me harming myself.
It's not always this bad, it's partly because it's summer and I have less social life (nothing distracts me like other people) but at the moment I'm just really struggling. My dysphoria is also exacerbated by the fact that I train in a martial art, meaning that there are constant references to physical differences between the sexes. Our sports centre has absolutely no option for changing except the two gender-specific ones, and I don't feel comfortable going into either (a certain British dislike of social awkwardness, that)
I'm not really looking for answers, just to vent a little as none of my friends are so close that I feel like this is something I could share. I'd also welcome any pointers if I've stuck this somewhere wrong, or need to add tags or whatever. Thanks :)
Title: Re: Saying hi + strong physical dysphoria, venting a little
Post by: Jessica Merriman on July 17, 2014, 09:19:31 PM
Post by: Jessica Merriman on July 17, 2014, 09:19:31 PM
A big warm welcome! This is definitely the place for support with these issue's. The best thing is we understand you and most have been right where you are at now. It seems like forever to get started on the right path if transition is right for you, but once it begins it usually goes quickly. It seemed like forever before I started and now I can't believe how far along I am. Hang in there and let us know how you are doing. :)
Please read these very important topics.
Please read these very important topics.
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar/post links and photos) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
Title: Re: Saying hi + strong physical dysphoria, venting a little
Post by: campenella on July 18, 2014, 12:26:29 AM
Post by: campenella on July 18, 2014, 12:26:29 AM
Hi there! I recently did acrobatics and had no clue how to go about changing afterwards! This is what I did: I came already dressed and bought a gym bag with me to change in the bathroom.
I feel your frustration regarding the summer. I'm starting to think I have seasonal affective becaue the summer is the most horrible time for me. Keep your chin up and I hope you feel better
I feel your frustration regarding the summer. I'm starting to think I have seasonal affective becaue the summer is the most horrible time for me. Keep your chin up and I hope you feel better
Title: Re: Saying hi + strong physical dysphoria, venting a little
Post by: devention on July 18, 2014, 05:50:39 AM
Post by: devention on July 18, 2014, 05:50:39 AM
I feel you 100% about not wanting to let your body touch other parts of your body. Bedtime is the worst time, imo. Trying to find a position where the twins aren't touching anything or pinched is like trying to win the lottery. I sleep with a body pillow over my chest most nights to keep from feeling them too much.
You have my sympathy with trying to do sport and having to deal with gender barriers there. Only reason I'm glad I'm not at all athletic.
You have my sympathy with trying to do sport and having to deal with gender barriers there. Only reason I'm glad I'm not at all athletic.