Susan's Place Transgender Resources

What would you do?

I have a few friends from the college and I am usually invited to hang out with them...they are just 5 friends and perhaps only 2 are really friends...the rest are just colleagues.

None of them knows I am trans. Perhaps they think something is different with me because I never agree with their machist point of view and I never talk about women. They never saw me outside my "boy mode"...

The thing is: as almost every weekend, they were inviting me to go out... But this time I am too unsecure to stay on "boy mode". I don't know if I am exagerating, but I think that since I had my hair styled in a more feminine way, it will become clear to them that something is wrong. Straightening your hair is a women thing here or a metrossexual/gay thing. I might be wrong, but people are staring at me a lot more now and I am quite sure it is because of my hair =P (but I loved this hair!)

One of my friends invited my and I told him that I had my hair styled and that I was not going out because they will probably mock me. He didn't understand a thing...I told him I will explain later.

The thing is: should I explain I am trans?

I am almost sure they will not accept me as their friend anymore...and I was hoping to avoid this kind of sittuation. I was thinking in just disappearing...but they might find me.

But it is not very cool of me to just disappear. They helped me a lot when my parents died...I was really depressed and they were at my side at that time. I am considering telling just my best friend among them...but is it worth it?

I told my neighboor and best friend and he didn't understand. At first he was open and gentle, but later he stopped talking to me and now he is just ignoring me. I felt very bad...but now I feel better. I feel sad because he didn't accept me, but perhaps he was not my friend as I though. The same may happen now.

And they are all the friends I have and the only people I still need to tell I am trans.

Any opinions?

And thank you for helping this lost girl! =P

just go out with them and see how they treat you and take things a day at a time.. If your on HRT a lot more changes are coming. can't you just put your hair in a pony tail. I'd say just feel the situation out slowly.

I have lost a lot of freinds, most of them, but this is because of other issues not being trans. Every single real freind I had will text me back if I call them and have repeatedly said they do not care, they are happy for me and only want me to be happy. i didn'ttel one friend and then went to see him abouth three months into transtion, and he was on the phone and I was like "good, he hans't noticed anything about me.He doesn't know." Then he got off the phone and was like holy crap, you're a woman now! Why didn't you tell me this aver. we have been friends for four years and you never mentioned it once.I always though you were feminine and probably gay, but didn't want to say anything. But, I'm a little offended that you didn't tell me.I understand how hard it must be, but you know how accepting I am of people. I'm Jewish. We're the most accepting people ever.

This is one of my best friends too so maybe it's all in your head. If they don't accept you, they prolly are not good freinds, but then again, they were there for you which must be one of the hardest things ever. I'm really sorry you had to go through that. Big hug. You could just wait and add a little femme touch every now and then and see how they react.

Question: Are you on HRT? If not, I would no tmake any rash decisions on coming out or anything. Give it time. See what they say about your hair. The thing is with men, they joke a lot about stuff and make fun of each other, it always bothered me, and once a friends told me to stop getting so emotional like a woman. If we stopp making fun of you, that means we don't like you. If we ignore you and stuff. Not the other way around.

Hope this helps. xoxoxox

if you feel comfortable with them tell them if they dont like it there are alot more people out there that have no problem with and they would be better friend (the ones that support you)

If you plan on going full time they'll find out eventually. I think if you just vanish, that makes you a crappy friend, not them....

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on July 20, 2014, 08:00:23 PM
If you plan on going full time they'll find out eventually. I think if you just vanish, that makes you a crappy friend, not them....

it depends on the person whether to tell them or just disappear sorry alaina it does not make you the crappy friend (in some options its safer) one of my old friends if i told him i would of ended up in hospital and this has happened once due to my gender and did not want to have to experience coming round in a mri scanner and freaking out again.

Quote from: Elanore joey on July 20, 2014, 08:19:32 PM
it depends on the person whether to tell them or just disappear sorry alaina it does not make you the crappy friend (in some options its safer) one of my old friends if i told him i would of ended up in hospital and this has happened once due to my gender and did not want to have to experience coming round in a mri scanner and freaking out again.

IDK, if you don't give somebody a chance to make that determination it's pretty unfair. I mean, if you don't see yourself being someones friend because you don't think you're safe around them that's a different situation. Natalia hasn't indicated that she is unsafe around these people.

Quote from: stephaniec on July 20, 2014, 06:42:28 PM
just go out with them and see how they treat you and take things a day at a time.. If your on HRT a lot more changes are coming. can't you just put your hair in a pony tail. I'd say just feel the situation out slowly.

Quote from: Joanna Dark on July 20, 2014, 06:43:59 PM
I have lost a lot of freinds, most of them, but this is because of other issues not being trans. Every single real freind I had will text me back if I call them and have repeatedly said they do not care, they are happy for me and only want me to be happy. i didn'ttel one friend and then went to see him abouth three months into transtion, and he was on the phone and I was like "good, he hans't noticed anything about me.He doesn't know." Then he got off the phone and was like holy crap, you're a woman now! Why didn't you tell me this aver. we have been friends for four years and you never mentioned it once.I always though you were feminine and probably gay, but didn't want to say anything. But, I'm a little offended that you didn't tell me.I understand how hard it must be, but you know how accepting I am of people. I'm Jewish. We're the most accepting people ever.

This is one of my best friends too so maybe it's all in your head. If they don't accept you, they prolly are not good freinds, but then again, they were there for you which must be one of the hardest things ever. I'm really sorry you had to go through that. Big hug. You could just wait and add a little femme touch every now and then and see how they react.

Question: Are you on HRT? If not, I would no tmake any rash decisions on coming out or anything. Give it time. See what they say about your hair. The thing is with men, they joke a lot about stuff and make fun of each other, it always bothered me, and once a friends told me to stop getting so emotional like a woman. If we stopp making fun of you, that means we don't like you. If we ignore you and stuff. Not the other way around.

Hope this helps. xoxoxox

I am on HRT for almost 10 months now. Since I started transitioning I already changed a lot and they saw all my changes...from a fat nerdy boy with glasses and balding head to what I am now. I want to believe I am looking more feminine, but I am not a good reference since I am always thinking I am still too masculine =P

They didn't make any comments about my transformation until now...but they like to talk about others when the other is not around...

But I liked the idea of going out with them and cheking what they think...

Quote from: Elanore joey on July 20, 2014, 06:47:16 PM
if you feel comfortable with them tell them if they dont like it there are alot more people out there that have no problem with and they would be better friend (the ones that support you)

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on July 20, 2014, 08:00:23 PM
If you plan on going full time they'll find out eventually. I think if you just vanish, that makes you a crappy friend, not them....

As Alainaluvsu said, It is innevitable. I want to go full time soon and each day more my everyday look is walking to that direction...

My opinion is that too...I would not be a good friend if I vanish without saying anything. I would feel the worst friend ever =P But, on the other hand...if I am sure that the friend will not understand me...than it is a viable opition.

I think friends deserve a chance. Now WHEN you tell them is up to you. I'll say this - if you're unsure, I'd wait until you're ready to come out to everybody because if they don't approve, everybody in y'alls circle will know within a week.

I know this is not the before & after topic, but...

The first pic is from when they met me and pretty much how I looked like from 2006-2012

The second pic is from a week ago...longer hair but still pretty much masculine look.

And the last one after having my hair styled.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpicload.org%2Fimage%2Flwgdoio%2Fbefore.png&hash=184940ed4ffb5adad429818ebc4701e16115151f)(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpicload.org%2Fimage%2Flwgdopd%2Fwp_20140714_001.jpg&hash=78b66f4b24932006292307d7ca69ffa3e467f1a4)(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpicload.org%2Fimage%2Flwgddla%2Fhey4.png&hash=728a119fd17cff81ec28311c1cee365eb32a0c12)

If they did not figured it out until now, I believe that from now on they will...

I may be wrong...I really don't know if this was a big change on my look or not. They might look at me and think "ok" or they might think "is he gay or is he trying to look like a woman?"

So, I think it would be better to avoid this situation or to tell everything before they start wondering...

Oh god...sorry again. I am too unsecure to know what to do. I keep thinking over and over and I grow afraid of telling and afraid of not telling... =P

Try testing the water by bringing the topic up in conversation but just make it about somebody else this worked for me when coming out to my mum

I waited to tell people outside my family until I was just about to change names. This was mainly as I wanted to be 100% sure I was going ahead before crossing that point. Some knew something was up, but hadn't dared ask.  I found that if I told them individually and privately they appreciated it and were very supportive. I did eventually lose one or two friends, but I also discovered how many were true friends. There were some unexpected and pleasant surprises.  I'm not particularly stealth for a number of reasons (most of all that I am older and it's hard to put all that life back in the bag again), but I also don't broadcast my past. I have a few friends who only found out from others after I knew them.  Oddly, I had one or two childhood friends I hadn't seen in a few years who didn't have a clue who I was, and I decided not to tell them. I'm sure they found out later, but the setting was just wrong at the time.

I think that the better your relationships are before coming out, the less likely anyone will have an issue. 

One other thing. Changing gender disrupts how people see you, and it takes some time for them to adjust to the new you. Women-women relationships are different than men-women, and men-men.  It takes some time to re-calibrate all that. I find it was hardest for men who knew me before, as it made them a little insecure. Among the women, those who had had an interest in me before had some issues, maybe also insecurities, but most embraced it. I am finding that some old friendships with men have waned, but those with women have a different and closer bond.

Just remember a true friend doesn't stab you in they back they should stab you in the front so you can see it coming

I've thought of this topic many many times. All of my (guy) friends know me as my macho persona, and I think they are homophobic and transphobic for the most part. None of them know the real me. I have 1 longtime friend of 20+ years who says he has a bunch of gay friends and coworkers. I think I might tell him first about me being trans. When and if I do inform my other friends, it's sure to shock the hell out of them. Friends will either be supportive or not.

your last picture is very nice

I'm fortunate in that nearly all my friends are from high school, and in high school I was,"that super gay kid who wears dresses and makes out with dudes", so all of my friends were largely (and understandably) unsurprised when I told them I was planning on fully transitioning. That said, I have made new friends in college who met me when in full on guy mode, but word has spread quickly and they've been overwhelmingly supportive. Give your friends a chance; I was amazed that certain people were as supportive as they were, and if they aren't supportive, well, then who wants to associate with a bigot anyway.

Quote from: Natalia on July 20, 2014, 08:59:06 PM

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpicload.org%2Fimage%2Flwgdoio%2Fbefore.png&hash=184940ed4ffb5adad429818ebc4701e16115151f)(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpicload.org%2Fimage%2Flwgdopd%2Fwp_20140714_001.jpg&hash=78b66f4b24932006292307d7ca69ffa3e467f1a4)(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpicload.org%2Fimage%2Flwgddla%2Fhey4.png&hash=728a119fd17cff81ec28311c1cee365eb32a0c12)

Natalia I don't get a gay vibe looking at you. You *look* feminine especially in your last pic and not an effeminate male. There's a big difference. This was a huge upgrade for you.

For me if I get called out, I'll just say I changed for medical reasons, dodging hereditary prostate cancer, and MPB; that I saw the realty of my changes and decided to say, "you know what? I'm looking better going through this, so might as well do this all the way and not half arse complete myself. So here I stand. Take it or leave it. I'm happier anyway, example 1 example 2 example 3... etc."

BTW Natalia I like your natural and straightened hair SO MUCH BETTER. I am very surprised!

Any close friends should be told, i think. And any person or friend that does not accept you for being yourself, does not deserve having you as a friend.

Quote from: alexis.j on July 21, 2014, 02:56:40 PM
Any close friends should be told, i think. And any person or friend that does not accept you for being yourself, does not deserve having you as a friend.

why dont we have like buttons like fbook i would click 10000 times