Susan's Place Transgender Resources

My mom is really religious and thinks transition to another gender "the devil" even after she promised she'd try harder to understand. I'm at the point where I can't wait any longer to transition or ill burst, plus now I have to cut my hair when it was just getting past my neck. I feel like killing myself right now and would if I believed in suicide. Also, I've been seeing a therapist, but shes a bit useless since she doesnt really know how to write a letter of recommendation.

you need to do some searching for a new therapist. If there is a LGBT center near you try asking them for leads

I can't drive, and I already know the answer if I ask my parents.

is there some kind of school counselor you can talk to

They're more for academic purposes, but yes.

Quote from: Serenahikaru on July 22, 2014, 09:16:01 AM
They're more for academic purposes, but yes.

counselors have a broad range of training they can help , they can at least point you in the right direction. It would be good to get some more profession advice.

Hang in there.  This is going to get easier and easier.  Just do what you can for now and try to let your parents understand how serious this is and that it likely will not go away. 

It's not the devil and there is nothing wrong about it.  I hear the same thing sometimes. 

You are going to be okay. :)

Hi Serena,
You are one of the brave ones.  Stephanie's advise to talk to the school counselor is a good one, and may be your best path for now.  You don't have your age in your profile (smart by the way) but until you are eighteen your mom has quite a bit of control over what you can and cannot do.

Religious conviction is an almost bullet proof barrier to rational argument.  Even if your mom gets the dysphoria, fear, and anguish, it will still be a huge leap for her to move past her well reinforced convictions to loving acceptance of your truth.  I think that she is trying, and I think that she loves you.  It is crazy hard to reconcile core beliefs with the reality of who you see as your son/daughter.  I wish her compassion and acceptance, and you strength and endurance.

So let's say your school counselor can give you a referral to a gender specialist, or perhaps has some expertise there.  The referral language of the letter to your doctor will reference the appropriate language from the transgender health standards of care (WPATH 7), but is neither complex nor long, your current counselor ought to be able to look up the language and make a referral.  If there is hesitation, that might be something you need to talk to him/her about.

You are young and presumably healthy, so you don't need a specialist for HRT if your primary physician has some knowledge of transgender issues.  That and periodic blood work to check endocrine and liver enzyme levels, is what you will need to begin the transition (along with a bunch of discipline and patience) at least for now.

OK, you have your letter, talked to your doctor now what?  How do you get the support you need from your mom.  In all honesty, I don't know.  About half my family wrote me off as damned and has little to do with me.  Their religion is a barrier to all argument and information.  But your mom loves you, that might give you a chance.  You'll need to know what you are talking about, show endless patience, and a develop a willingness to do baby steps.  She will need to be able to see your feminine soul for what it is: beautiful, authentic, and honest.  Maybe then?

Here is the thing.  It may not be fair, but you have to be the adult here.  You have to teach, advocate, learn, and be endlessly patient.  I am here for you as are many others, but you are the bottom line for yourself.  Gender dysphoria is chronic, and potentially life threatening, it must be eventually dealt with.  Some of us lost decades before we became who we are - it can be done, but the cost is great. 

Laura is right, "It is not the devil and there is nothing wrong with it."  There is also nothing wrong with you. Let me know what I can do to help.

Julie

Hi Serena,

Let me second Julie's recommendations. You don't need a letter to begin hrt, talk to your doctor he/she may be knowledgeable enough to get you started. The best thing is to find a counselor you can confide in. Being TG isn't something shameful. It is what it is. Since you're already suffering with Gender Dysphoria, let me assure you it is chronic and gets worse with age. Fortunately you're young and can have a great life.

The religious convictions are another thing entirely. My wife is Baptist and has had a Pastor friend talk to me and I've had him yelling at me about giving way to Satan. Understand too, like Julie said, religious convictions can be a barrier to understanding reality. I've seen a religious therapist. This can't be "prayed away" no matter what they are told.

Best thing now, find someone to talk to.

Wishing you the best.

Traci

I'm not really religious like most of my family, so I didn't really care about that aspect
I turn 18 around the end of year and I think I can show off my feminine soul. I've been trying to get her to under since April and I made my decision to transition in January, since then I've done a lot of research, so I knew it was tough going in. At this point, I don't really care if I get disowned or something after I start. Thank you all for your advice, it helped.

Just so you know, you are super pretty and will be quite beautiful.  I hope you are not rejected by your family.  Transition is hard, although at your age maybe not so much.  But it is expensive and thinking about resources, health insurance, and those sorts of life details is something I hope you do or have done.  Again good luck

Julie

Thank you again ^^ And the health insurance is one of the only things I have not thought of. My current plan go ruined, so I need to regroup anyway.

Hi Serena,

You have had lots of good advice so far, I just want to add that if anything can overcome religious conviction its a parents love for their child. With your time and patience it is likely your Mum will come round, some don't but most do.

Dealing with dysphoria sucks but for now it is a reality for you and until that changes it might be good for you to find a way to process it, however temporarily. It may sound slightly hippy-esk but when I'm struggling I find Yoga really helps me switch of to the world and the parts of my body that cause me distress. On Youtube there are some great instructors who just want to help people. Check out Yoga with Adriene if your interested. Either way, anything you can do to blow of steam in the time being could make your path to becoming yourself just that little bit easier. 

:)

Hi Serena,

Just wanted to offer you love and moral support! I'm also looking to start transitioning asap, but its not looking like it will be soon enough. I'm also an practicing Orthodox Christian (think Greek Orthodox or similar), and it has been very hard to find peace inside. An Orthodox monk once said to me that sometimes only the only thing left is a dialogue of love, so hopefully your mum can go down that path. Everyone else has offered wonderful advice and support, and I wanted to offer some little candle in the dark that has helped me in my darkest moments.

I used religion to help my mom understand.  She knows I am a Atheist and it still helped her get it a little better.
I told her that God challenges people and their family, so God put a female soul in a male body to test her ability to love like Jesus does.
That he never gives anyone a test that they cant pass so he felt that this was a good one for our family, to see if we can love someone even though they are different.  Jesus ate with the lepers the least you can do is accept me for how god made me.
I then told her that I had come close to failing the test twice in my life and have lucked out both times so I knew I am who I am for a reason.

She can not wrap her head around this, but the bishop at her church understood and was very helpfull.

Quote from: Pandion on July 22, 2014, 01:15:34 PM
Hi Serena,

You have had lots of good advice so far, I just want to add that if anything can overcome religious conviction its a parents love for their child. With your time and patience it is likely your Mum will come round, some don't but most do.

Dealing with dysphoria sucks but for now it is a reality for you and until that changes it might be good for you to find a way to process it, however temporarily. It may sound slightly hippy-esk but when I'm struggling I find Yoga really helps me switch of to the world and the parts of my body that cause me distress. On Youtube there are some great instructors who just want to help people. Check out Yoga with Adriene if your interested. Either way, anything you can do to blow of steam in the time being could make your path to becoming yourself just that little bit easier. 

:)

Thank you, I already do meditation from time to time and I was thinking of trying yoga.

Quote from: Bols on July 23, 2014, 06:57:58 AM
Hi Serena,

Just wanted to offer you love and moral support! I'm also looking to start transitioning asap, but its not looking like it will be soon enough. I'm also an practicing Orthodox Christian (think Greek Orthodox or similar), and it has been very hard to find peace inside. An Orthodox monk once said to me that sometimes only the only thing left is a dialogue of love, so hopefully your mum can go down that path. Everyone else has offered wonderful advice and support, and I wanted to offer some little candle in the dark that has helped me in my darkest moments.

Thank you, I wish you luck.

Quote from: Chloevixen on July 23, 2014, 08:04:52 AM
I used religion to help my mom understand.  She knows I am a Atheist and it still helped her get it a little better.
I told her that God challenges people and their family, so God put a female soul in a male body to test her ability to love like Jesus does.
That he never gives anyone a test that they cant pass so he felt that this was a good one for our family, to see if we can love someone even though they are different.  Jesus ate with the lepers the least you can do is accept me for how god made me.
I then told her that I had come close to failing the test twice in my life and have lucked out both times so I knew I am who I am for a reason.

She can not wrap her head around this, but the bishop at her church understood and was very helpfull.

That's actually really smart, thank you and ill give it a try.

Give her my picture and ask her who it is. If she doesn't say the Devil, then I have to imagine, she doesn't know the devil when she sees it :P

Seriously though, from a religious perspective it is like incredibly blasphemous to assume god didn't make a person trans for a reason. Since no mortal can know the mind of god, to speculate on gods motives is pretty silly.

My school counselors helped me out a bunch when I was in highschool, maybe not quite as helpful as a full on therapist, but I wouldn't discount the possibility for help. Some LGBT clinics also have counselors for free for youth as well.

Whatever you do, please hang in there, it can get better!

Quote from: Hikari on July 23, 2014, 09:58:45 AM

Seriously though, from a religious perspective it is like incredibly blasphemous to assume god didn't make a person trans for a reason. Since no mortal can know the mind of god, to speculate on gods motives is pretty silly

That's another good point. I also think she doesn't know what gender dysphoria is. I didn't want to play it off as if it was some decease, but I can still try teaching her what it is.

The therapist you've been seeing - is it that she WON"T write a letter, or doesn't know how? If your therapist is willing and coach-able, you might have to instruct her on what needs to be in the content of the letter. This, you would, of course, have to first find out for yourself.

As for transportation - if it's a large city, there are busses. If a small city, you could get a bicycle for cheap at a thrift store or on Craigslist (There are many bikes for free on Craigslist). Don't ever let obstacles that are can be overcome stop you from accomplishing your dreams.

She really doesn't know, she even told me the first day I'd have to help her with terms and stuff. But I can try teaching her if I can myself first.

I wish I had asked for a copy of it, but my therapist read her letter to me, before sending it off.  It was kept very short, something to the effect of:

"(real name) has been coming to my office for counseling for (x number of) months, identifies as a transgendered woman, and prefers use of feminine pronouns.  She meets the requirements for hormone replacement therapy, and I recommend this treatment under the prescribed care of a physician."

Cut and dry.  Her credentials are enough to support her professional opinions and observations, states I seeked therapy, met requirements, and the next step is a prescription for HRT.  A doctor shouldn't need anymore than that.  Recommended from the WPATH page:

Quote
The recommended content of the referral letter for feminizing/masculinizing hormone therapy is
as follows:
1.
The client's general identifying characteristics;
2.
Results of the client's psychosocial assessment, including any diagnoses;
3.
The duration of the referring health professional's relationship with the client, including the
type of evaluation and therapy or counseling to date;
4.
An explanation that the criteria for hormone therapy have been met, and a brief description of
the clinical rationale for supporting the client's request for hormone therapy;
5.
A statement that informed consent has been obtained from the patient;
6.
A statement that the referring health professional is available for coordination of care and
welcomes a phone call to establish this.

But that's just literally how to write the recommendation.  I'm sure that more importantly, she needs to know the standards of care, and what the "requirements" are that need to be "met."  You could direct her here:

http://www.wpath.org/site_page.cfm?pk_association_webpage_menu=1351&pk_association_webpage=3926

Thank you, that's a big help.

Yes, your therapist sounds like a bit of a wet rag if she doesn't even have the common sense to figure out how to write the letter.  She's happy to take your money though...a shame you can't move on to another one really, but we have to work with what we have at our disposal.

So as Dee pointed out, you're going to have to do the leg work for her.  Find some sample referral letters, print them out, etc.  And if she still can't handle it, go straight to your primary care physician and talk to him/her instead.

I'm not a huge fan of "teaching" the therapist.  While a good therapist should be able to apply their training and experience to many situations, I think that gender identity disorder is an unusual area because the therapy is often diagnostic rather than curative, and you're not going to therapy to make the dysphoria go away; you're going there to have the therapist confirm that it exists and pass you on to the medics who can give you what you need.

(That said, therapy in my case has been wonderful in getting me to come to terms with my own gender identity disorder, and I would not have skipped therapy for anything.  It's good to talk to someone who truly understands what we're going through, because without that mental support, things get hopelessly crazy sometimes.  You don't have to think of therapy as merely a hoop to jump through on your way to HRT, because done well, the therapy process is life-alteringly amazing.)

What if you simply can't find a therapist within a reasonable distance who'll take on a transgender patient. I've struck out with all therapists locally. None of them want to take on a transgender patient. I may have to resort to using one of the online therapists that see you over Skype. The closest therapist that will see me is an hour and 45 minutes away and I can't afford that kind of fuel expense. I've found some therapists online that see you over Skype. Has anyone ever tried one of them?

Allie :icon_flower:

My current is pretty cool despite her lack of knowledge, and I have an appointment the week before school starts. That means I have at least one more chance and about a month to educate to mom. And I think online wouldn't be bad, it's harder expressing myself face to face.