Susan's Place Transgender Resources

To start with, I'm 27 and have thought I should have been born a woman from my earliest memories – but from that same time I have thought "I don't want to want this."

I considered telling my entire (often trigger worthy for many)(and often depressing and pity-party-seeking-sounding) life story, but let's just say I've done the whole 'fight it out,' 'drink it out,' 'a few suicide attempts,' and all that business.  Joined the military briefly (one of those suicide attempts made for it being briefly – but thankfully), and almost got married.

Went to college.  Had a brief (2 months) attempt at transition (hormones/clothes and makeup at home) – and had a psychological break – I was happy with what I was doing, but couldn't... accept it.  Set it all on fire (literally – box and lighter fluid).  Started to try undo the damage I had done to my body – from the drinking.  I went from a 190 pound athlete, to a 260 pound slob in a matter of two years.  Lost about half that weight.  Graduated near top of my class.  Got a teaching job.  Became a well-adjusted adult who goes to bed early, eats healthy, and so on (I stopped being a college student?)

The first person I ever talked about it with was my female best friend.  She said go for it.  She'd help however she could.
The second was my father (we have an incredibly close and supportive relationship).  He said: "Whatever makes you happy."
The third was my male best friend of more than 13 years – and he was the most enthusiastic and supportive of all (which... really blew my mind – when the conversation somehow ended up there... I was hoping for a 'man up' kind of talk).  (This was a few weeks ago).

I'm fairly successful, I suppose.  I'm saving for grad school while paying off all my debts.  I love teaching.  It's my life.  After grad school, I want to go work with my mentor from college.  And for a few years... while I was at work, I was fine.  After work, I could feel the slow, but sure attack my feelings.  Started to try an weight lift it away – best shape since my teens.  That stopped being enough, so every waking moment became "Fill my time."  Read books, clean, anything to keep my mind busy.  That stopped being enough, so Saturday became the "drink until I fall asleep day" – you know, adult responsible alcoholism (if you consider a now pitiful tolerance of 4-6 beers alcoholism, compared to the college 30).  But, I'm not winning anymore.

As I started with – I don't want to want this.  I realize that there's not a lot of 'choice' in this.  When I was younger, I could fight it away, or use any given girlfriend as a beard (and I have an enormous amount of regret for the years of those women that I wasted).  Drinking it away worked until I saw what it was doing to me (health, and almost my grades – when it hit its peak, I had to save everything last minute, and managed to crawl out of the bottle after 3 weeks on 3 nights of sleep a week).  I am good at being a man.  I'm strong – bench 250+, deadlift 340+.  I work my butt off at work.  At 5'11" with broad shoulders and impressive arms.  I feel a little arrogant for saying so, but well read, and functionally bilingual (fluency is... over-rated).  It took a long time, but I managed to become a decent human being while I was at it.  Well, that's what people see anyway (I hope).

The problem is, I can't help but look at any woman these days without feeling... crushing envy.  I surmise now that I'm no longer a crazy teenager or (very) very young adult (hey, I'm almost 30) that my hormones have levelled off – and I have zero sex drive... and the thought kind of makes me sick.  I feel like I have had more intense periods of dysphoria, but not nearly as prolonged.  In the last few weeks, I can barely take my mind off of it, like a mild to moderate headache.

With all these things considered, I haven't said a whole lot about my dysphoria.  It's there.  It's nothing that I think anyone on the Internet needs a rehash of.  But I've fought it for all these years.  And I've built the beginning phase of... what I hope to be a great future (despite some rocky patches, which I think made me better, in the end).  I don't want to throw that away.  I've tried eating/training for optimum testosterone levels, even tried zinc and a few weight lifting supplements, but... if anything, it almost seems like those have made it worse. 

After my last suicide attempt, I know I'll never try again (pulled the trigger, it was a dud.  I could see the indention from the firing pin, it just didn't go off.  I was a split second from death, and nothing could scare me more than that did.  Mind you, that was... 6 years ago now, and oddly enough not a single mental issue other than this since).  I've learned to value my life – if not for myself, then for my family, friends, and students.  So, I'm stuck between... (potentially) wreck everything I have built with my own hands, to be a very obviously non-passing lady (height and build mentioned above, deep voice, 5 o'clock shadow by 10:30, unbreakable jaw), or never manage to have another relationship, and spend my every waking (but significantly simpler and likely more successful) moment thinking about this and being frustrated.  In conclusion, I'm not sure what on earth to do.  And while 'no one but you can determine what you are/should do' – I could go for some input.  And thanks if you managed to read all that nonsense.

BB

Welcome to Susans. Your story is very similar to that of many of the folk in our family.

Sounds like you could be trans*.   Best advice is to find a good gender therapist and start processing your fears, feelings and dreams.  Once you understand who you are and accept who you are, you wil probably wish to express this whether you are binary or non binary

Plenty of small steps, no need to rush.  If you think that you are heading towards some form of transition best to start losing the weight and the facial hair.

Some great resources and information available here.  Also some pretty supportive and friendly natives who will listen, support and share their stories and insight with you.   Many of us started at a similar size to you and passing well for the binaries is rarely an issue.

Wish you well on your journey

Safe travels

Aisla

If you want my (perhaps a bit blunt) advice...
-Get a therapist. Preferably one with experience with gender issues, but any who are willing to help will do.
-Accept yourself. You'll be a lot happier if you learn how to do that and stop beating yourself up for being who you are.
-Face reality. You've told three people in your life about this and they are supportive. How exactly do you think transitioning will ruin your great future? If anything, I think it would make it better, but I can't predict the future any more than you can. You know what will definitely ruin your future though? Spending the rest of your life miserable at the bottom of a bottle unable to accept who you are.
What makes you think you'll never pass? Look around the forums. There are plenty of trans women who pass here and I'm willing to bet many of them had no idea when they started whether they would be able to or not. Sure, there's an in between phase and there's always a risk, but it's up to you whether living as your genuine self is worth the risk. It may be a bit different for me since I'm going the other direction, but I still don't pass and even though it does get to me, I'm still a heck of a lot happier than I was.
This is just my opinion though and what you do is up to you. Whatever you decide to do though, I do strongly encourage accepting yourself though.

You're a great person now and you will be a great person if you transition.  Life is a flash.  You had better be happy right now.  Whether you transition or not. :)

Thanks for such a swift replies!  I'm not entirely sure what I want to do (as my incoherent writing may have indicated). 
I am currently working abroad, so therapy is... a little bit difficult. 
I don't mean to sound offensive... but this all pretty much makes me feel a little like I must be crazy.  I sit there wondering if it's true.
If you don't mind my asking, how did you (or one in general) come to any sensible conclusion on this?  I've done plenty of reading - and I feel like that only made it more confusing, rather than less.
Also, how would you suggest I go about accepting myself?  Tips, tricks, thoughts appreciated!
Finally - happy... That's a thing.  I love what I do.  I might not love me, so much, but I think that could be on plenty of trans/cis people's plates.  Oh - I think I might have misrepresented myself - I average 4-6 beers... a week.  I don't think that's all that excessive (I was going for humor, apologies if that didn't come off quite right). 

Welcome to Susan's. :)

I didn't think any of what you shared was nonsense at all. A lot of people here share a similar story.

I don't have any profound wisdom or anything for you, being new here and not very well-adjusted myself. What I can tell you is that there are a lot of wonderful people here who are willing to listen, share with you, and help where they can.

One of the biggest things I've learned so far in my week here, is that decisions like that might not be so this-or-that, or black or white (pink or blue?), as we might first think. There's a whole array of places on the gender spectrum where people find themselves. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. And I've also learned that it's perfectly okay if we don't know quite where we fit into that spectrum yet.

One person told me it's the journey, not the destination, that is important.

I, for one, am glad you're not thinking about suicide anymore. It's really good to meet you here. I hope you stick around, and in sharing as much or as little as you want or need to, that you find enough wisdom from those who have gone before us to find your way.

Warm regards,
Jera

First off see about finding a therapist. Depending on where you are working, that can be almost as easily done than said. Other countries are more advanced in their treatment of Transgender issues. As you've realized your life is important. As someone older, 59, I've been in denial and fighting this most of my life. Fighting it  only gets worse with age. You're still young and a good therapist can help you sort through things. You're probably not crazy. No one WANTS to be Trans. A few of us have a saying "It is what it is."

As has been suggested there's no rush, but talking with someone can bring relief. I was nearly suicidal last year until I was able to come out to my therapist and talking with someone who understands can bring tremendous relief.

And never say never, diet and a little FFS can do wonders.

My heart goes out to you because I can feel your pain and your fears. Our fears are often worse than reality.

Wishing you the best.

Hugs,

Traci

I'm thankful (and more than a little surprised) at the both the rapidity and supportive nature of the replies I've already received, thank you! 

As for this "not blue or pink" idea, I'd venture I'm not... living my life the way I want to - but at the same time, I feel like there's an experience and training gap (lacking better words).  I said "I'm good at being a man."  That's not exactly true.  It's more like playing a game, or a sport, or something that you've practiced a couple hundred (thousand... million...) times. 

I'm not sure how to phrase this - how does one acquire the... knowledge and skills?... to deal with this or assess the not so bluish pinkish mind-scape?  Is there a good book?  I read a ton, and usually get things after reading the manual about thirty times or so.

Lara,
I read your message, but I'm not allowed to respond to you (I guess it's for everyone's protection?  Some fine print I'm sure I missed).  Your English is pleasant to read!  I may have mentioned I've tried more than a few things, but I get really embarrassed trying to talk about it (however silly that might be here, given the context), but it all kind of felt like a guilty pleasure?  I don't like it when my sensibility flogs me, but it had a field day.  I am pretty liberal, a context based ethicist, and all for people finding themselves (in a life-path-spiritual-kinda-way) - though I find that those things don't seem to carry over to myself very well.  I've always been the "by the book," and "work hard and get results," sort of person when it comes to me.
Given my current employment and location... it'd be really difficult to do anything remotely visible.  I live in a pretty small town too, so... there aren't really any 'free passes' - everybody in town knows everything, more or less same day.  I also don't want to confuse or alienate my students (they're young, living in a rather conservative country). 
For now, I've given up "fight it forever" and moved to "wrap my head around this." 
So thank you everyone!  Anything to help me do that would be great.

Well, once again I'm not the most well-adjusted person here, so take this for what it's worth, until somebody with more knowledge than me comes along to share.

Therapy's a really good idea, though I definitely understand not being able to find one on a whim.

But the best answer I can personally give is "one step at a time." From reading the "Non-Binary" section, it seems to me like a lot of people who find themselves on that path have been on it for years. And with every step they take they seem to be a little happier, a little more themselves. Share your experiences and thoughts, learn from others who do the same. If you find something that works for you and makes you happier, run with it. If it doesn't, that's perfectly okay. And don't let anyone tell you you're wrong, since only you can know what works.

Anyway, take that with a grain of salt. :)

Also, you can respond to PMs when you get to 15 posts. There's a link about rules and post ranks and such somewhere, and I'm sure a moderator will pop in and give one to you soon. Those links are all over the "Introduction" section.

Ah sorry. You mentioned drinking a lot and I jumped to conclusions.

I don't think there are really any tips or instructions for how to accept oneself. It's more like a choice one makes and then keeps choosing. It takes awhile and it's hard, it gets easier since, the more one lives as who they are and want to be, the happier they get. Or at least, that's been my experience. Sometimes, I'll get an epiphany specific to whatever it is I am trying to accept and that helps me, but it's pretty much a lot of soul searching and untangling how and why I feel about things. For me, a lot of the things that prevented me from accepting and liking myself (something I have no problem with now) was the fact that I let other people's opinions dictate how I thought and felt. I'm not exactly sure how aside from practice, but I started putting my opinion of myself first, far before anyone else's.
As for dealing with the not so blue or pink mind-scape, I find it helps to let it go and not force things. I end up settling where I feel comfortable if I just let it be if that makes sense.

Jera - saying you're not well adjusted... makes me think you are, in some kind of Socrates kind of way.  But I threw some sea salt over my shoulder or whatever I'm supposed to do with the salt.  And thanks for the forum information - I read small print and instructions... about none, until I realize I've already messed something up.

Edge - No worries!  It was a long and hard to read post, and I certainly could have been accused (rightfully so) of that at one point.  Now that you mention it... I do think I put an enormous amount of weight on what is thought of me by people of consequence... and then just about everyone else for good measure.  That's probably not a very productive happiness-strategy.  Sounds like I need to do some more mountain climbing.  Last time I went, I think I had epiphanies (or altitude sickness... or both). 

Thank you both for taking time out for me!

Quote from: BB5DBPS on July 22, 2014, 10:52:59 AM
saying you're not well adjusted... makes me think you are, in some kind of Socrates kind of way.

Hardly. But this made me laugh, thanks. :D

I'm only just now on the threshold of accepting myself. But I read a lot, and I'm always happy to share what I've read, if I think it might help.

And you're welcome. I hope you find the answers you're looking for. :)

Lots of good advice here from other people.

A lot of what you wrote resonated with me - the denial, the drinking, the efforts to bulk yourself up and to man up, and finally the realization that your drinking was going to kill you. I've been to all of those places too.

Healing begins with therapy. My therapist saved my life and her no nonsense way of responding to what I told her was exactly what I needed. After seeing her for three months I accepted who I am, knowing that there was most likely a very hard road ahead of me. Some of the things I feared came to pass - my marriage of 27 years to my soulmate is ending. I have a large upper body and I weigh 180 lbs and I thought there is no way I'll ever pass - and strangely enough, I do. I even had a woman call me skinny recently lol...

There have been many fears, changes, adjustments, realizations, and unexpected moments of Grace from people on my journey. Has it been worth it? Absolutely.

They say that courage is not the absence of fear, but rather having the strength to keep going in spite of fear. This journey is a spiritual one and if you have the courage to embark on the journey you will discover many wonderful things about who you truly are.

I wish the best for you as you go forward on this journey.

~Eva

Quote from: Jera on July 22, 2014, 10:36:20 AM

Also, you can respond to PMs when you get to 15 posts. There's a link about rules and post ranks and such somewhere, and I'm sure a moderator will pop in and give one to you soon. Those links are all over the "Introduction" section.

Forgot about that....  :laugh:

Hi BB  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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Hugs

V M

Jera - laughing is good for you, or so I've been told.  Funny phrasing, but I meant it (if one can be judged by their diction, I'd say you're quite well adjusted). 

Eva - I've had a rough run at therapy in the past.  I get the feeling every time I talk to a therapist that they're not listening to any of the words I say, but instead trying to read something between the lines, no matter how directly I state something.  If I say "I'm hungry," they seem to think it means that I'm incapable of taking care of myself, even when I assure them that I missed breakfast to make the session (this is not an actual example, but feels like it could be one).  Never been a huge fan of any doctors, due to a few incidents in childhood.  Do you know a good way to assess a therapist before they start taking it out of your wallet?  I realize they're supposed to read your mind and stuff, but some of the ones I've seen have been downright creepy.

Oh, and sorry for the complete disregard for any of rules and such there V M.  I am now officially apprised of those things, so my poor excuse is now no excuse.  Though, I don't think I've done anything particularly wrong yet, I should hope.

No issues at this time  8)  But we do like our new members to be aware of the site rules as it is part of our responsibilities, there is a lot of useful information and it helps new folks to not accidentally get themselves in trouble

Quote from: BB5DBPS on July 22, 2014, 07:49:07 PM
Eva - I've had a rough run at therapy in the past.  I get the feeling every time I talk to a therapist that they're not listening to any of the words I say, but instead trying to read something between the lines, no matter how directly I state something.  If I say "I'm hungry," they seem to think it means that I'm incapable of taking care of myself, even when I assure them that I missed breakfast to make the session (this is not an actual example, but feels like it could be one).  Never been a huge fan of any doctors, due to a few incidents in childhood.  Do you know a good way to assess a therapist before they start taking it out of your wallet?  I realize they're supposed to read your mind and stuff, but some of the ones I've seen have been downright creepy.

I asked a trans friend who she would use  :)

What would help you weed through the dud therapists is to find a trans support meeting in your area and go visit. Ask the people there for recommendations. They will tell you quickly who to see and who to avoid. I had a wonderful experience with my therapist and it makes me sad for everyone that has a terrible experience. If you were in the SoCal area I would tell you who my therapist is.

Joining a trans support group is a good way to meet people similar to you and build a support network.

I realize it has been a tremendously long time since I replied to this thread (my only one, haha).

I just wanted to thank everyone again.  I joined this website only a few days before taking a month long trip back to the U.S. for the first time in two years.  I talked to a few more close friends about all this - and the overwhelming response was: "Everything makes total sense now." 

I don't think I could have made those steps without thinking it out here a little bit, so I really do want to convey my gratitude.

And, apparently I was never "good at" being a man.  Or so everyone has now told me.  I was half insulted and half elated to be told that I - teaching/academics aside (which is apparently the only thing I'm passionate about, haha) - came off more like some kind of parody of a man, based on all the books I had my nose buried in, when I wasn't busy trying to 'prove' what a man I was by out drinking or out fighting everyone else, often for no reason. 

So, all this to say, when I finish this contract, it's back to the U.S. with me to actually try and sort this out with a professional.  Truly, thank you all again.

Quote from: BB5DBPS on September 12, 2014, 07:46:30 AM
I realize it has been a tremendously long time since I replied to this thread (my only one, haha).

I just wanted to thank everyone again.  I joined this website only a few days before taking a month long trip back to the U.S. for the first time in two years.  I talked to a few more close friends about all this - and the overwhelming response was: "Everything makes total sense now." 

I don't think I could have made those steps without thinking it out here a little bit, so I really do want to convey my gratitude.

And, apparently I was never "good at" being a man.  Or so everyone has now told me.  I was half insulted and half elated to be told that I - teaching/academics aside (which is apparently the only thing I'm passionate about, haha) - came off more like some kind of parody of a man, based on all the books I had my nose buried in, when I wasn't busy trying to 'prove' what a man I was by out drinking or out fighting everyone else, often for no reason. 

So, all this to say, when I finish this contract, it's back to the U.S. with me to actually try and sort this out with a professional.  Truly, thank you all again.

Everything is going to be okay. Keep moving forward.  Make your life what you want it to be. :)