Susan's Place Transgender Resources

   I'm sorry for posting here if it's wrong place but I NEED HELP ASAP! I FEEL LIKE I'M DIEING INSIDE! I need both trans and so opinions so I figured I post it in both forums.

(I'll be using he, my husband and his for clarity. I refer to him by his new name a proper pronouns at all times , it makes Kelly feel good)
    I've known my husband from the age of 15 to 25. That's 10 long years, we been together for 5 and married for 4. He became my best friend within a month of meeting. 6 month ago he came out as FTM and said he wanted to start transition!  I had suspected this for the last year but that's another story. I was nothing but loving and supportive and our journey started out great. It even brought us closer. I did his hair, his make up and help him pick out clothes and shoes.
    Now he's went from my best friend to a catty frienemy (pretend friend) overnight. I feel like everything in our home is a competition. I feel like for him to feel feminine he needs to out do me. It really hurts. I'm hoping you ladies can help me figure out if it hormones or if it's his new personality.  Here's how it all started.

  One day, about a month ago, I was getting dressed and he was watching as usual. I pulled on a plain black sweater dress and he said (exact quote, that's how much it hurt, I remember every word) " You know that makes you look cheap." I though he was joking and laughed. He then informed me that because of my large bust, I never look elegant or demure.  THE MAN LOVED MY BREAST until last month.

WAIT THERES MORE! Here a few of his other EXTREMELY hurtful remarks/deed. Yes all these in the last 30 days!

- I cooked a 4th of July dinner for my family and went all out he takes one bit and says " Your no Martha Stewart."

-Every time we're out and a male even glances in our direction, he informs me that he was checking him out .

-He insults just about  every item of clothing I put on and then suggests I give it to him.

-He critiques my hair and make up and overall appearance before we go out.

  I'm not innocent! It all built up and last night we were about to go to the movies. He started to tell me how "over done" my make up was and I  looked at him, ran my fingers over his Adam's apple and told him well at least I don't have one of those. I stormed out and went to my mother's, I'm still at her house.
   WHY IS HE DOING THIS??? Did anyone here ever feel like they were in competition with their spouse? Is it hormones? My mother is also filling my head with the idea that he's always been jealous of me and that's why he chose me to be with. He was a very jealous man before transition and would flip if another man looked at. My mother seems to think he wasn't jealous of the attention from the man but the fact they were directing their attention at me. He also seems to be taking a large interest in taking my things like clothes, make up and cramming in to my shoes. Did my husband really marry me for my things and befriend me in the basis of wanting to become like me?

I'm sorry for the rant. It's just my mother and I just had this conversation! I need second opinions. The thought of this being true makes me want to die. My husband was NEVER like this pre transition. He was loving, supportive and full of compliments. Was it all a rouse? Or do hormone really affect someone this much?

I think you mean to use the term MTF, not FTM?

There is a possibility your partner feels threatened by your femininity but that doesn't give her the right to treat you badly. She may not feel she is feminine enough in the eye of public or by her personal expectations and as a way to make herself feel better, she brings you down to her level. This is a classic sign of bullying someone out of pure jealousy instead of having the courage to directly tackle the problem itself.

I find it most telling that she expects you to conform to society's definition of female beauty which is unrealistic and damages self-esteems for the relentless search of "perfection" which does not exist. She should be ashamed of herself for adhering to such a shallow belief. Beauty is not just about outward appearances, and as cliche as this sounds, it's the inside that matters the most.   

When you are in a relationship with someone who is insecure (trans* or not), it makes you a very easy target for the other person to release their frustration and anger onto. Poor coping abilities, poor management of emotions and a lack of empathy towards the supportive partner is a common problem - I've dealt with this behavior from a previous partner myself.

I believe being calm, stable and content with oneself means it makes the partner come to realize just how insecure they are in comparison - both in public and private, hence lashing out in the manner they do.   

Have you ever asked her why she is saying those comments to you? Have you told her that it hurts when she criticizes you and your appearance on a daily basis?

What did she say? If she did not respond verbally, what were her non-verbal responses to these questions?

Transitioning and/or hormones does not usually cause this drastic of a personality change - it's very likely that your partner has been this way for a long time and has kept their true colors hidden until now. In general, the journey towards achieving the correct body usually makes people feel calm and collected. It sounds like your partner is grappling with some serious issues that are rooted far deeper than the gender dysphoria.

If these issues are not directly dealt with, I fear the relationship will not last.

You should try to confront her, and talk to her about the situation and I'm with you btw just leave her if she's not good enough for you, the you deserve better. She is insicure abd tries to bring you down in order to maker her feel better such a bully really. She deserved the Adam's apple thing but you really need to talk with herabout those issue if you want to stay with her and if she's not changing back then you can leave her and ain't nobody got time for her frustated bitchy attitude

Quote from: EchelonHunt on July 23, 2014, 02:21:53 AM
I think you mean to use the term MTF, not FTM?

I think so. That would explain my confusion.

Hormones have an effect sure, but personally after a week or two, I would realize that I was being a B and I catch myself now. I am going to take hormones for the rest of my life, getting used to them was a bit of a priority... Just like if you are tired, hungry, or stressed it is still no excuse to treat others poorly.

I would say tell her exactly how she is making you feel, and tell her what the consequences are for continuing to make you feel like that. You deserve to be treated with love and respect just like everyone else, if she can't do that then perhaps it is time to let her go.

I suspect your mother is incorrect in much of her assessment but it is clear that jealous is a huge issue. It sounds like she (your husband) has a huge issue with jealousy which is really a huge issue with insecurity. It's unfair and unacceptable that's getting directed at you. Is she getting therapy? If not, I think that might be a place for her to start. I think you need to lay down some really clear boundaries and stick with them

As it read it she's just plain insecure and jealous (two things that often go hand in hand).

She probably has been hiding this for ages and now it bursts open. She might think that she needs to prove that she is a woman. Meaby she's over compesating and still isn't anywhere near looking as feminine as you do (this might make her feel worse). Also she might has an idea that now she's living as female she wants men to find her beautiful and if only you get attention she will feel jealous.

Hormones and personality doesn't have anything to do with her. Sure hormones make her be more sensitive to emotions. The male hormones makes the person less sensitive to emotions so it's most of the time stable, but female hormones make the person more sensitive to emotions. For example after 1 week of hrt I was working on my internship. I made a misstake and next thing I knew I broke down and started crying. If it happend a week before hrt I would have shrugged it off as nothing. Insulting isn't a side effect like mood swings.

As for the clothes she "steals". There is a big chance he has already done those things in the past. Lots of transwomen try on the clothes of the spouse/sister/mother when nobody is there. I wore clothes of my mother when I was young (14-17 years old).

Like others have said you have to talk and bring the issues you are facing and the ones she is facing. If you don't know whats happening you can't deal with it. Also therapy helps.


Last word.
My best girlfriend used to know a transgirl in high school (the description of her sounds like how you describe your spouse). My girlfriend used to think that must be nice to her because she is transgender. The girlfriend met me while I was still living as a boy. When I told her about me she accepted me (actually she was already treating me as a girl before she knew about it and I wasn't gay xD) and she came to know that transwomen aren't always bitchy girl and complain about everything and the like. She came to the conclusion that the transgirl she knew in high school was just a plain horrible person. Being trans doesn't give you a pass to be a bitch and/or an ->-bleeped-<-. If she can't be normal arround you it might be the best to just divorce her. As she is now dragging you down to her level.

Male or female, there's no excuse for being an ASS!