Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello,

First I would like to thank you for reading this post as well as all the experiences shared on this site.  My story has many similarities as others only without the serious suicidal thoughts that many have had.  I pray that if you are suffering from those thoughts you seek and receive the help you need.

I am a 32 y/o female transgender(?) with a wife of 7 years, 3 daughters of my own (6,3,<1) and a step son (13).  I traveled construction for the last 9 years and most of the time only saw my wife and kids for 1 weekend a month, holidays, and vacation. This allowed me to imurse myself in what I have always thought of as cross dressing.  Three years ago shortly after the birth of my second daughter I came forward with my cross dressing.  She did not know how to take it as she had never been exposed to this side of me or anyone else before.  I had never shared this with ANYONE ELSE before.  She of course was hurt that I had not talked to her about this before we got married, and at first became very distant towards me as I was keeping secrets from her.  We agreed I should go seek therapy which I did 2 sessions and we came to the agreement that we would try to work things out.  She tried to participate with looking at panties with me a few times but things were too feminine for her and she tended to steer me towards more sexy men's under wear.  This made me feel very uncomfortable with what I really wanted to wear and only on occasion would I try to wear something "sexy" for her.  Instead I continued to dress in private while I was away for work.  She has asked me a few times if I ever thought about taking it further and being a woman but I of course denied it and told her it was a fetish.

Ever since I was nine I would sneak my sisters underwear and some clothes that I was attracted to and dress any opportunity I had.  I would often fantasize I was them or certain girls I liked in school.  This continued through high school as I then began dressing in my mothers things.  After high school I went to a 2 year school for my associates degree where I re-united and fell in love with my grade school sweet heart.  This relationship lasted for a little over a year when I decided I needed out.  I had never been "In Love" before and began having stronger and stronger thoughts about dressing and now becoming a woman.  I didn't know what these thoughts meant but couple them with my unhappiness caused by her negative attitude towards my extended family and what friends I did have I decided to break our relationship.  Even figured out she was cheating on me later on but that's a whole other story.  After that due to financial reasons I moved into a 2 bedroom apartment and a later a house with 4 guys I went to school with so for the next 4 years I coped with my feelings by constant masturbation to a variety of tg and female pictures and stories.  Eventually we all started moving on and I went to work for a construction outfit far from where I grew up and steadily crawled up the ladder within a year I went from a general laborer to being a field coordinator.  I was finally good at something which awarded me with not only freedom but also the budget to explore my feminine side.  I did not however know what I was feeling and what it all meant.  I developed a habbit of dress-masterbate-guilt. over and over I rode this cycle and thought it was just because I was lonely.

Fast forward  a few more years and I had met my wife and her 5 year old son.  Our relationship moved fast and within 9 months of dating it was off to Viva Las Vegas.  I never planned on things moving this fast but when in love you don't always think clearly.  Before heading to Las Vegas I through all of my female things out writing off that chapter in life and moving on.  Only I didn't.  within a couple months the honeymoon was over and I began building my wardrobe and supplies once again.  The next year we had our first daughter and I was in love with her as well and vowed to be the best father I could be.  I once again through everything out and thought I could run away from this addiction. this thing.  this same story continued to play out over and over until and even after I came out to my wife about my crossdressing.

Recently I have gone through some major changes in my wife.  I was offered a position which required us to relocate to the Midwest closer to my family but far away from hers but I no longer have to travel.  This should be the best thing that could have happened to me and my family especially since my wife was carrying our 3rd child.  They offered to pay for my expenses for up to a year to allow us time to relocate and get settled.  The problem was that it was in a different market which I had no experience, and was for a supervisor who is a walking HR claim.   My wife however wanted to move asap so we could be together as a family so within 3 months of accepting the position we moved into OUR house and another 3 months after that or 5 weeks ago we welcomed our 3rd daughter into the world.  Life should be great right?

I finally have come to the conclusion that this need I have to wear feminine clothing and express myself will not go away.  Even more so my admiration and praise of the female body can be now categorized as pure jelousy.  I began closing myself off and pulling away even more from my wife and others.  the last month I have been unable to focus at work to the point that I am basically useless.  I began reflecting and I cant help but think that I SHOULD be happy but I'm not.  Last week my wife began asking me once again what's wrong and I finally told her.  That even though she had asked me before if I ever thought about being a women and I told her no... The truth is I have.  I have tried to deny it push it away for so many years, never talking about it and always thinking it was a fantasy and not true feelings.  But now that I no longer have any "Me Time" the urge to dress has become unbearable.

We have talked a few times since then about it and she has basically told me that she loves me but cannot stay with me if I decided to transition.  She is trying to understand me but the problem is I don't understand me right now.  She says that she is open to me dressing in private but does not want me to do so in public.  She is afraid what the world would not only think of her but what it would do to our kids.  I share this same fear.  How could the world accept a father of 4 (3 of my own) to turn his back on his family and become a woman.  What kind of person does this? Selfish? She knows that I would always be there for her and the kids, and we both love each other so much.  I do understand how she feels though.  She married a man and is attracted to men not women.

On Friday I had an appointment with a phsyciatrist.  We have discovered a re-ocurring theme of settling for what others expect and need.  She says that I am deffinatley dysphoric, but we are going to be looking into how much of it is gender, professional, or Identity .  I know I have to stop putting others before myself but I'm having a hard time coping with the guilt I have towards my wife and kids.  I could I drag them through the pain of a transition.  What scares me just as much, If I don't transition will I ever be happy?  I have tried twice now to go buy something as simple as gym shorts.  I cant even find anything in the men's department I want to buy!?  My wife asked me when have I ever been so picky?  Truth is I haven't. I always wear what I am supposed to and not what I want.  Never has this been more apparent until now.  Now more than ever I have this burning desire that I should be different.  That the person who is in the mirror is not me but I don't know if I can change things now.  I love my wife and kids so much but I'm not sure how long I can continue sacrificing myself and my inner happiness.  I also don't know how I will be accepted by my employees after transition.  I work in a pretty rough and tumble industry.  I appreciate any feedback from ladies who have similar experiences.  I'm sorry for the length as well as typos, my house tends to be a little chaotic sometimes so I have a hard time focusing.

Love you all,
M.

Welcome May to Susan's,

Your story holds many others journey similarities.

Your doing the right thing in getting some professional help.

Work on honest communication with your spouse and if she can do the same back will help in keeping a relationship together.

Just have a plan b just in case things go south fast.

Here are the site terms of use that will help in the understanding how the site works. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html

A big warm welcome May! First, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about, period. I was a professional Paramedic and I had never heard of Gender Dysphoria in 28 years. I hit rock bottom one night with my mental and physical health in the danger zone. Long story short I accidentally discovered this great place and after reading all night it suddenly made sense to me. I lived with a wrong feeling for 40 years thinking everyone else felt the same as me, but handled it better. What little did I know. It literally took my thoughts 24/7 all my life and I was miserable every day. When I had a name for what I was feeling I followed the advice here and found a really good Therapist. I have now been full time and on HRT since January 1st of this year. It is a whole new world now! I sleep peacefully, wake rested and have a whole new zeal for life and new experiences all day. There was a cost though. I lost a wife of 16 years and a 16 year old daughter. My 15 year old son stayed with me though and has been wonderful. He see's the new me and how different and relaxed I am and is happy for me. He continues to stick by me and support me fully. The biggest surprise is I did not lose, but a hand full of friends and family. What I gained was life and new friends here and in real life who are the most genuine and loving people I have ever known. It is not easy at first, but the long term payoff is incredible. I found out the hard way you cannot fight this and overcome it as it gets worse every day of every year. I hope you find a good therapist and start to discover what you need to do to be happy and healthy. It really is worth it.  :)

Your story is somewhat similar to mine.  We get up in a cycle of guilt/shame and don't want to face the truth.    Get some good gender counseling and work through your problems now.  Putting things off will only make them worse.

I can't give you good advice on the marriage situation.   I am in the midst of seeing my own marriage dissolve.   Hopefully you can find a way to work things out with your wife and be a family for the sake of your kids.   If not you will have to decide if being yourself is more important than keeping your marriage.

Best of luck and remember, you are not to blame for any of this.  None of us chose to be transgender.  Our choice is to face it head on, or run until it decides to eat us up.

"same monkeys, different barrel.."  one of the best sig lines here, and a pretty good description what many of us are going thru.  Many of us are watching our marriages fall apart, and are, more or less, powerless to stop it.  I think the common recurring statement, "I love you, I just can not live with you if you do this thing" has been said since the very first girl or guy figured out how to keep from going insane.

I think a group hug would help, but there isn't a stadium big enough to hold all of us.

Can I say it will get better?  No.   Can I say you will find your answers?  uh-uh.  Can I say it will gt harder, definitely.  But finding common ground with others going thru this also will help.  The only one that had to go thru this alone, was the very first trans girl or guy.  There are many that can help now, you just have to ask..  and there are a few that can sense when you need help, without you even asking.  Those are the ones that just message you out of the blue and ask if you're alright?  They are the angels here.

Therapy, best first step... well, right after you figure there is a problem.

hugs.. whenever you need them.

Thanks to all who took time to reply to me.  I'm meeting with my psychiatrist on Friday and it can't come fast enough.  I have so many thoughts racing through my head right now and not sure what to do but I guess I should get used to that though. Thank you for welcoming me into your group and sharing your experiences.  It feels good to have something in common with a caring group of people like yourselves.

Quote from: May on July 29, 2014, 05:18:16 PM
Thanks to all who took time to reply to me.  I'm meeting with my psychiatrist on Friday and it can't come fast enough. I have so many thoughts racing through my head right now and not sure what to do but I guess I should get used to that though. Thank you for welcoming me into your group and sharing your experiences.  It feels good to have something in common with a caring group of people like yourselves.

I remember how my mind was just racing through all the possibilities before I started working with my therapist.   Hopefully having someone to help you work through the issues will slow the thoughts down a little and make it a little less of an obsession.   But don't expect them to go away!

I think if you are truly FEMALE, that your inner self will not be "cured away" or "prayed away" or "scared straight away" because if you are truly FEMALE, and you are in a male body, then the pain and conflicts you feel are a strong signal something might be wrong, and you might need to make your body female, to align your body with your mind.

I think if you are NOT female, there are other things you can do, short of becoming physically female, to get your life's FEELINGS into more happiness.  There are many experienced, first-hand people on this Website that are family here, to help you with all of this.

If you need a hug, we are all here for you.

Welcome warmly,

Hugs,

Johanna.

I AM FEMALE.

Trying to understand your gender identity can be a very bumpy, we are bought up to conform to our born gender, to see non conformity as deviancy...so it's no wonder having contrary feelings about one's gender can be confusing and confronting. I wish you well on your journey of discovery. Welcome to Susan's! :)