Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I was taking my 5th weekly injection (4 months of pills before) and there it goes again that euphoria of another painless success. ^-^

My shirt was off and my hair swept to the side around my left shoulder. I looked up in the mirror and just thought, "gee, if they could only see me now..."

Wouldn't it better this way? To surprise loved ones? Wouldn't it pretty much get it over right then-and-there without any room for angst about what you where planning to do to stew from all the uncertainty?

I am going thru this dilemma. I was suggested that I wait and be way advanced before telling my sisters. They are very different - one is a very conservative socialite, one is from my mothers previous marriage and much older but has a gay son,  and the other is an artist and yoga instructor. I told the older and the artist but I know that the socialite will have major issues with this. I will only tell her when I'm RLE. So I guess its choose whom you trust and can support you as you don't need animosity - its already tough.

Evelyn,
As I don't live in the same country as my siblings, that is exactly what I did. I waited until I had all of my FFS surgery completed before informing them about my transition. That way all sterile discussions/arguments were avoided.
As it happens, that's the approach I took with most people, even most of my friends, as I saw little point in talking about transitioning until some facts were established on the ground.
Wishing you all the best!
Donna

2 of my sisters are not handling it well. I think it would be worse if I was already on HRT.

Quote from: awilliams1701 on July 29, 2014, 12:38:37 AM
2 of my sisters are not handling it well. I think it would be worse if I was already on HRT.

When are you starting?

That's the thing about uncertainty. It isn't constructive and lends itself to pessimism all around.

I'd totally rather just dive into the deep end of the pool and give myself the best shot and deal with any fallout afterwards. Not during. Ya knoa?

On one hand I can see people close to you being hurt that they weren't involved (even if only minimally) in the process.  But at the same time, it would save you from the part where they're in denial, don't believe you, and try to talk you out of it.

I suppose it comes down to the person.  My wife knows pre-everything.  But I don't plan to come out to any other family until I'm at least post diagnosis and have started HRT.

^^ That is an interesting take. Loved ones who truly are supportive might be left out of the feedback loop.

But sussing out or predicting who will be truly supportive is a crap shoot.

I really don't know.

It took my sister a bit to accept.  Had I surprised her and sort of forced her to quickly accept it, I don't think it would have gone as well.

Evelyn

For me I think that there is no right answer and no wrong answer.  I suspect that it depends upon your relationship with your siblings.  I will probably tell mine when it feels right, so it could be based on the right occasion or opportunity,  because physical changes are becoming a little obvious or even because the conversation presents an ideal opening to 'share'.

Aisla

It sounds like it'll be better for *you,* for sure!

I told my sister right away and she ended up being my biggest supporter - no uncertainty, no hesitation, and she went to bat for me big time with our parents. (Even my wife wasn't 100% on board from day 1, but she was a lot more personally affected by the whole transition thing.) My sis was also thrilled to get to see me change and develop from puberty 2.0.

Everyone in my family thought I was going crazy when I came out, and were disbelieving to the extent that I let them think I was abandoning the decision (just as they predicted) then and moving away to take a job.  I talked to them next from the hospital after surgery was complete and once they realized it was a done deal, they came around quickly!  My sister picked me up from the hospital and my parents visited me (together after a tough divorce) to say they would always love me.

It took another 10 years before we regained any sense of family

Evelyn,

Surprising people can be a really mixed bag.  The reaction may be more negative than had you prepared them for the change in some manner.  You are talking family here, and if you are close at all they deserve a bit of consideration.  Yes, this may take a bit of undercover work to see how they might react.  I have been doing a bit of that with my daughters, and thought I was being really stealth.  Yesterday an email from my oldest asked point blank "Has Erin taken over and you are afraid to tell us?"  That still doesn't tell me how they would react, but I am pretty sure I can work with it.  If I were to show up out of the blue with a blonde wig, makeup, feminine top, denim skirt, and feminine sandals it might be too much (I sort of shocked my therapist that way...)

You need to do what suits you and your best read of your family.

HTH


Erin

I told my brother right around the time I started HRT, I hadn't told my 4 sisters. I don't know them really, I mean I look pretty femme these days, so I think it is obvious that something different is going on here.

I have been of the mind that I need to go slow and give everyone in my life time to adjust. I mean it isn't so easy to think your friend/family member is going to be a different gender, that doesn't happen everyday I needed them to see I am still me, just I am a woman, that is part of who I am, even though they hadn't realized that before.

Evelyn,

I don't think there's a right or wrong on this one. Either way there are going to be repercussions. Holding off until transition is under way will show that you are committed to this course of action and there is less likelihood of people trying to talk you out of it. On the other hand, informing family before you begin would show more consideration and give them time to try and understand, though more likely they will try to talk you out of it.

It also depends on family relations and how open-minded they are. Each situation is going to be unique.

In my case, I've got a letter recommending HRT but I know as soon as I even go see a doctor about beginning, my wife is gone,taking our son,  the marriage is over and there will be a lot of explaining to do. So the question to myself is do I blow up the marriage first and have everybody asking why, or do I inform them even before I pull the pin on the T-Grenade?

Best wishes to all struggling with this question.

I have to agree that there is no right or wrong method.
Everyone's family has a different dynamic and I think playing by ear is the best way for everyone.

I have already told everyone near and dear to me, even though I'm yet to start HRT.
Even though I didn't have a clue how they would react, I felt compelled to come out to people around me, after so many years of leading a double life.

The positive thing is I now have the support to continue on the path I've always longed to take, which to me is a great relief.

I've been on HRT for years and the changes to my face have become unmistakable. I should have come out to my sister a looooong time ago, but have yet to mention anything. I've already made the decision not to go full time until I have my FFS. My sister is one of those people who is very for or against an idea; pink is strictly for girls and action movies are only for boys type of thinking. And my brother in law is one of those idiot cavemen who says "that's gay" when he doesn't like something.  ::)  So, I'm reluctant to say anything until I'm ready for full time.

I've also made the decision never to speak to my family again if they don't support me. I'm ready to go forward and don't need their bull->-bleeped-<- trying to keep me down longer than they already have.

I told my mom about what I might doing during an ongoing conversation over the phone. After the conversation, and I had hung up, I howled with laughter - not because it was funny, but because it was so embarrassing. But what can ANYone else say or do? It's my life, and I'm in control of it (as much as possible).

For me, it was better to tell her and a sibling before the fact. I think it's because none of us are close-minded, and we are an unusually close and loving family.

I have no idea. My therapist was concerned that I had only accepted myself for a month when I first saw her. That was a month ago and even she was impressed with my progress. Originally I didn't think it was going to happen this year, but maybe I can now. I intend to bring it up with her next session.

My sisters' reactions are its ok as long as we don't see you dressed as a girl. We don't want to tell our little kids. I told one I have no intention of abiding by that. I also asked her what about when I grow breasts? I don't think that occurred to her. She also blamed my therapist for pushing her agenda on me. "you know how they are!" again really?!?!

Quote from: Evelyn K on July 29, 2014, 12:43:54 AM
When are you starting?

That's the thing about uncertainty. It isn't constructive and lends itself to pessimism all around.

I'd totally rather just dive into the deep end of the pool and give myself the best shot and deal with any fallout afterwards. Not during. Ya knoa?

Didn't tell my sister until a day before I transitioned. Still haven't told my brother - but we rarely talk and only see each other for about three hours once a year so it's not like we're close.

I have another brother who I've not yet told. I think this one needs the right timing.

I told my mom that I was transitioning right before I started HRT, and she told all of my siblings without asking me first.  I had a lot of initial resistance from my family, so much so, that I didn't tell any of them that I was having FFS until after the surgery. And believe it or not, I got a lot of grief from them, when I made the *mistake* of telling my mom that I was having a BA beforehand. I really don't get it, it seems like they would have accepted the fact that I'm not going to have a change of heart after finding out that I had FFS; I guess it's easier for some people to live in denial than to face the reality of a situation they don't agree with.  And now, my family is accepting of me...

I want to wait until I am further along before I come out to my parents or any of the rest of my family.  There are a few people that know, the ones that can have an actual conversation not just "WTF" or "why?" As mentioned in earlier posts I don't want to deal with trying to be talked out of it.  My family and most of my coworkers ( i dont have many close friends) are pretty narrow minded and everything gets fit into a box.  I want to good grasp of what all that " box" is before I hand it out to them, otherwise I will be supplied a box in which will become the perception based truth for them.  I don't think I need to be "passing" just far enough along that there is no doubt that can be gathered from my status.  Just yesterday my dad was lecturing about how much muscle mass I have lost (in my mind not fast enough!) and I should eat the rest of the half pound burger they invited me over for.  I had to contain myself, I was getting pissed.  My S.O. asked me about it as soon as we got into the car knowing I would be upset.

Hopefully this is a couple months away.  I am getting tired of hiding myself.  My therapist is good with me going on HRT I just need to figure out from where ( insurance doesn't cover hrt). 

One thing we have to remember is that we've had years to come to terms with who we are.  And we've usually labored over the decision to transition for quite some time.  We then spring this on people who care about us and we expect them to come around pretty quickly.  They're simply not prepared for it, and are often completely uneducated on the matter.

Hi, I came out to my mother around the time I started therapy.  She passed it on to my sisters, an aunt and uncle, and of course my step-father.  I was dressing when I had the opportunity to do so, which wasn't often, had not yet started electrolysis (which I've since discontinued for the time being), and was not on hormones.  I did it because I was in a bad place emotionally and I needed someone close to know what was happening to me.  I already knew I was female and didn't feel I needed to be in any particular phase of transition before coming out to them.  I don't see a reason to wait, in my opinion.  We are who and what we are, if not physically, then mentally.  I think the sooner they are aware of your true gender, regardless of your appearance, the sooner you may attain their support which you will want as you journey through transition.  Again, just my opinion.  Also, I am by no means suggesting that they will be supportive.  That varies with us.  I was fortunate enough to have a very supportive family (took my step-father a little longer), but I know not everyone will have the same kind of support I experienced.

Katiej does bring up a valid point regarding family being educated on this.  After coming out to my mother, I sent her a book regarding transsexualism, what it is, etc.  A few weeks later she sent it back to me with writing in the margins and highlighted sections.  She made a point of highlighting and commenting on sections that dealt with being supportive, which really touched me.  As I mentioned previously, not all family members may be supportive and I don't think it matters what phase of transition you are in.  Showing up at home with makeup, your best dress, and nice little breasts won't make it any easier than telling them about it before transition.  Again, just my opinion.

I guess it depends on who you are telling and what their personal relationship is like with you. I'm pre-everything and I've already told my brother, but we've always told each other everything. I'll probably wait for the moment when I just can't hide it anymore before I tell my parents, though. They're another story altogether.

The only family member I have told is an uncle, who is supportive. He is of the opinion that while my mother would be ok with it (after the initial shock), my father may not be. He also suggested I hold off telling my sisters, because even though I am somewhat close to one of them, they can both be a bit stuck up. My wife wont be finding out until after she gives birth, and her hormones have settled down.

My sister knew about my transition before I even started. She has been totally accepting and doesn't mind the fact that her brother is now becoming her sister.

I told my brother about the transition about a month after starting HRT, he seemed a little distant after I told him. I ultimately figured I would tell him sooner or later, and I feel it was just easier to do it at the beginning.  He doesn't seem to really understand why I'm doing what I'm doing, he called my transition a "lifestyle choice". I tried to explain that it's not really a  choice, but he didn't seem convinced. I imagine he just needs some time and I figure I'll throw a few educational articles his way to help him out. I believe since he lives in the same city as me, I'll drag him to one of my support group meetings so he can meet other trans people. He didn't seem to object going when I mentioned it to him, so the more the merrier I suppose.

After I told my brother, I just came out to everyone. I now post regular updates about my progress on Facebook which has been meet with a lot of support, which was really surprising for me. I figured a lot of people wouldn't understand or would be against the idea, I guess it just goes to show you that you never really know how someone thinks until you actually tell them, a proverbial trial by fire.

I've actually pondered the idea of not even coming out... Just letting people think what they may

I haven't told any of my siblings. They live so far away that there is minimal chance of them catching a glimpse of me (I moved away from the family). However I recently learnt from a phone call with my parents that one of them will be moving very close to me in the next few months, so a meet up may be in order and the penny might drop when they see me for the first time in years.

I intended to wait, but didn't even make 4 months before mom noticed, freaked out, and called my sister to try to figure out what was going  on. My sister been supportive, and mom has come around  after being shell shocked at first.

So then which is better?  Tell them early and endure being talked out of it...or let them figure it out and them being SHOCKED or hurt! 

I favor the early approach, but I can see the other side too...especially is you don't have a close relationship.

While my Adopted Mom knows I'm transitioning, she doesn't know how far along I am. She's known about my IS/Trans condition for years since I was adopted as a kid, but hasn't been very supportive. She let's her religion dictate how she feels about me and my transition, and feels because I was made this way I should accept it and just live with incomplete genitals and my dysphoria, because "God Don't Make No Mistakes." She's nearing 80 now though and not healthy enough to come visit me. We communicate via letters and she sends me boxes of goodies a few times per month. She hasn't seen a recent photo of me with my new booby's nor facial and body changes. Her religious beliefs and weird husband have also isolated her from other younger family including her grandchildren. Anyhoo, I never have to worry about her coming to visit so I just let her see me in her mind and old photos how she wants to see me. Quite frankly, I doubt she'd recognize me if I knocked on her front door.

When I came back to Florida I had high hopes of establishing a strong mother-daughter relationship with her, but after nearly 10 years now I doubt my dream of that will ever happen. So I take what I have as it is something, and better than no relationship or contact with her at all. Recently I've finally gotten her to stop sending me products made for men so, little baby steps I suppose is all I can hope for.

Ali :icon_flower:

Quote from: katiej on August 04, 2014, 09:36:49 PM
So then which is better?  Tell them early and endure being talked out of it...or let them figure it out and them being SHOCKED or hurt! 

I favor the early approach, but I can see the other side too...especially is you don't have a close relationship.

I chose the early approach as well. I myself would prefer smaller "shock" at start from someone telling me early then knocking on my door months later and I couldn't recognize the person anymore. That and I didn't want to play a male anymore. The same went for my friends and work.

The only people I delayed my coming out was:
- My younger sister until she was done with her winter semester exams
- My grandma as she was in poor depressive state at that moment

I currently reside in California, my family lives in New York. I hadn't been back there since my father's funeral in August of 2012. No one has come to visit me in the 16 years I've lived on California.

I started living full time September 21, 2013. On New Year's Eve 2013 I posted my coming out statement on Facebook complete with pictures. My brother was surprisingly supportive. He called me, asked a bunch of questions keeping them all appropriate. He has seen pictures of me but has not seen me in person yet. I'm not sure what will happen when that day comes.