Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi everyone, I hope you're all doing well. I've been quite down lately, I mean I always am but I can't seem to get my mind off of things. I booked an appointment with my psych for me and my Dad so I could talk to him about things so I can progress through my transition but he just seems to always avoid it and he didn't end up going with me. He done this before and said he had to do some stuff and it really makes me mad. He doesn't seem interested or like he wants to support me through all the legal processes even though he said he does. I really wanted to start HRT this year but it looks like I'll have to wait until April of next year once I can legally make decisions for myself. I can however start hormone blockers (with both parents permission) before then but I find it so hard to talk to him... we're not really close and he isn't that understanding. I think if he were to be more involved in my transition then maybe our relationship could be better but right now I feel that if he won't then I won't bother with him in my life once I'm 18. He still uses male pronouns on me and everything and it really ruins my mood. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how can I go about this? I did discuss with my psych about writing a letter instead as that'd be easier for me but any additional advice would be appreciated.

Also, I seem to be experiencing a lot more social dysphoria lately. I attend these groups so I have to take the train a few times a week and after being sexually assaulted and harassed a few months ago because of being transgender I've been very paranoid about public transport and going out in general. It hasn't stopped me I'm just very cautious and aware now which sort of sucks and having social anxiety just makes it even worse. :\ I'd like to get my eyebrows done and go shopping at a store instead of buying online but I find it incredibly hard mostly because I feel like people are always staring at me and trying to figure out what gender I am. I will admit that I have been quite hypersensitive lately so that probably plays a part in it all.

Valleyrie, I'm just so sorry you're going through this pain and discomfort. I too would be anxious and more if I had been through the same thing. I know I risk sounding trite when I say that the women on here understand because many of us have been through the unhappiness and the discomfort and even the abuse. I know you can find the strength to keep pursuing (in a safe way) the reality that you deserve. It will happen, even if it feel like a glacially slow pace.

Hugs and tears.

Jane

Hi Jane, thanks for the reply. It always helps being able to connect with others going through or that have gone through similar things. I guess what I'm most worried about is having to wait and having my body grow even more masculine. It's such a hard road to go down especially with all the barriers in the way.

Awww. It is a hard road. And that fear of creeping masculinization is horrible. The good news is that in terms of life-span and development, you're still in the early part and you will bounce back quickly once you start hrt.

I'm not one to prescribe anything, but you might look into spearmint Tea. My experience with it before starting T-blockers was quite satisfying. (Others, I'm sure, will disagree or call the effect placebo, but I don't think it was).

sorry for what your going through , but hang in there it wont be long till when you can legally make all your own dicisions

Unfortunately your dad sounds like a bit of a.........and whilst he has a level of control over you he will try and use it. Sadly I think, as you say, that you will have to wait until you can make your own decisions. If you can get your own roof over your head, even better.

I'm sorry that it's such a miserable struggle for you right now. It's probably a good idea to come on here and let off steam, and to know that other people care about you and your situation.

Take care...

Thanks for the support everyone, I do feel a bit better right now. :) The process has been very slow for me but I'm sure the wait is so worth it. I'll definitely look into spearmint tea and I'll definitely come on here to vent more. ;p

Valleyrie, it sounds like you have an opportunity to get all the preliminary hurdles done, Perhaps you can work of getting HRT as soon as you are of age. It takes a while so getting everything in order takes time. I know waiting is tough but keep moving to your goal.

If you are hassled in transit is there a way to have a "suit of armor" (coat or jacket) for the journey?

Quote from: Jane's Sweet Refrain on July 31, 2014, 06:56:38 AM
Awww. It is a hard road. And that fear of creeping masculinization is horrible. The good news is that in terms of life-span and development, you're still in the early part and you will bounce back quickly once you start hrt.

I'm not one to prescribe anything, but you might look into spearmint Tea. My experience with it before starting T-blockers was quite satisfying. (Others, I'm sure, will disagree or call the effect placebo, but I don't think it was).

I can second this. Spearmint was a very satisfying placebo for me too.;-). It is my fave tea now and I grow and dry my own.

Hi Valleyrie,

I'm sorry you've had a trying time with your dad about your transition and the other things you mentioned. I know where you're coming from in regards to your dad. Both of my parents have had an extremely difficult time with my transition. I'm 31 years old and only within the last 10 months have I been welcome to visit my parents at their house dressed as a woman. I'm not allowed to wear dresses or skirts though. It's been almost three years since I started transition and they still use the old name and male pronouns. After three years why can't they call me Ida? Everyone else does. I've been on hormones almost 2 years. Once I started them I really felt like my true self. I was lucky to get a former therapist to write a letter of support to get on my hormones.


I'm not sure what part of the world you're in but if you are in the U.S. you could go to Fantastic Sams and get your eyebrows done. Just got my done again today. Its really cheap like 12-15 dollars unless they charge more where you are. I wish I had been able to discover who I was when I was younger but I didn't find out I was trans until I was 28. I too have anxiety. Its gotten so much better but there are days I get anxious and don't want to talk to anybody. I am also highly susceptible to depression as well. I am glad that you didn't let that assault and harassment deter you from transitioning. That is true courage right there.


About the first year I was transitioning I didn't pass that well and expected to be outed or worse but that never happened. At present I pass 90 percent of the time. Once I gained confidence in my feminine appearance I just started to naturally pass better. Three years of transition and I'm still not done. I have to finish the hormones and change my name then I will be complete. I have chosen to stay as a non-operative trans-woman due to medical and personal reasons. In my case the risks outweigh the benefits but that doesn't make me any less of a woman. Sorry, I have a tendency go on and on but my advice to you is keep doing what you've been doing and keep talking to your therapist and your dad. It may take a long time till they come around. Just try to be patient with them. Sometimes its really difficult even for me to do that. You go girl!

Hi Valleyrie, Some tears came to me as I read your story...one great thing about MY journey just 7 weeks into HRT is that I can FEEL and cry so much more spontaneously and I am so happy about this.  I hope YOU get the same opportunity as soon as you can.

You are young, so as soon as you are of legal age, you can totally live your dreams.  As someone else just said, try to prepare as much stuff done as you can while still a minor, so that on your 18th birthday you will have everything in place and can jump right in and totally be on the outside who you feel you are on the inside.

I denied this to myself for the first 56 years of my life, and now finally I am not denying my female self any longer, and I am over the moon with happiness.

Fantastic you are young.  If I can get great nipples and small feminine breasts just 7 weeks into full HRT, at age 18 you should be able to do this...

And, if you have the "looks" and can model when you are an adult after you have transitioned, then go for it, girl!  You are only young enough to model, once.  If this is part of your dream, then stick with your dreams and don't let others unduly interfere with dreams that you can realistically attain.

A warm hug,
Johanna.

Hi everyone, I'm very distraught, tired and angry right now and last night was even worse. I don't know what to do. I had a major break down yesterday and my emotions were all over the place. I got so mad that I just bursted out yelling in anger and hate. I did not even see this coming and did not expect me to do that at all. This has happened to me only twice before and it was because of my "father". I couldn't stop crying for about a whole hour and when I did it just happened again and again. Just for reference I won't be referring to him as my "Dad" or anything throughout this, he sickens me and I don't want him in my life.

I just got in the car with him after taking the train and for whatever reason he didn't go to work that day... He's so freaking lazy and arrogant I swear. He starts asking me what the appointment with me and him was for and he made up some bull**** saying how he forgot and it was a last moment thing, wtf? I think I already mentioned this but he's done this before but said he had more important things to do. What's more important than your own damn child's health? He turns off the radio saying he needs to say something about it and starts getting all defensive and starts swearing.

He is so ignorant, illogical and irrational. He kept bringing up things that were COMPLETELY irrelevant. I tried to be open with him telling him how much it hurts me when he uses male pronouns on me and at one point thought I said I didn't like him when I said I didn't like him calling me son and I could tell he got even more pissed off when he thought I said that. He kept using arguments such as if I don't want him to call me son and all that then am I going to stop calling him "Dad"? WTF! I hate him so much, he's never been there for me and acts like he has. He kept going on about how I should've told him from the start and that he could've put me back on the right path as if he can change this. Then I kept asking him what's so wrong about it and he would say nothing then say something that shows the complete opposite. I'm not scared of him or anyone at all and I don't give a **** if he gets mad. He thinks I was insulting him by trying to have a decent conversation with him and threatened to slap me. He even said he'd rather shoot me in the head than see me "change" saying how he's losing me and blah blah blah. I'm trying to give him the opportunity to have a relationship with me but he does not see this at all so **** him. I'm done with him, I've tried it so many times over the years.

I literally cannot understand what is wrong with him. He starts crying and going on about how his family and crap thinking he can persuade me by feeling sorry for him. I kept asking what this had to do with what I'm trying to talk about and he thinks I'm the stupid one. He continued insulting me, he knows I suffer from severe depression and anxiety but nope, it's always about him and how he feels. He was saying how I've never had a job or ever put food on the table. No ****ing sh** I can't get a job, I can't hold one. And nice one on insulting your own freaking child who's in a horrible state of mind. He even guaranteed that I won't get anywhere and I won't get where I want with transition. He kept asking why not wait until I'm 18 and how I was born with no physical deformations trying to dismiss who I am. Does he not understand how much this affects me? I can and will wait until I'm 18 if he doesn't want to be apart of him but why the hell would you make your own child wait. He says he wants me to be happy but I don't see this at all. He has always wanted things his way and thinks he's always right.

He asked what if I do change and I start having a relationship and move out and it doesn't go well like wtf? What does this have to do with anything. That could happen to anyone no matter what gender or sexuality. He kept mocking me too about being a girl and thinks just because someone is born with certain parts then they are just that. He was using vulgar language asking if I wanted "ti**" and to chop my thing off and have a "pu***". I hate how he talks it's so degrading and disgusting. He refuses to respect my decisions so I'm not going to respect him at all. I have absolutely no respect or cares about people like this. He's one of those parents who cares what other people think about them or their children like there's something wrong with being transgender or not being straight.

I know anger and hate aren't really helpful but I just cannot help myself. He pisses me off so bad and right now I do not want to talk or acknowledge him at all but if I don't then he'll most likely get mad. The only thing I'm worried about is him taking my guitar away or probably even breaking it - yes he'd do that. He's broken many things in this house before even my brother's and mum's phone. Guitar is literally the only thing I enjoy right now and I'm scared he'll do something to it. Aside from that, I'm not going to reason with him anymore. I don't care about him and his ignorant opinions and ideals. I really do not care at all what someone thinks about me and I've never really considered him as a parent. He has a firm belief in gender roles and thinks just because he's a so called "father" he has the right and power to do what he wants. He can go **** himself for all I care. He's never known me and I don't want him to know me.

He or anyone else can say what they want but I am a girl and have always been. If this was a choice then I don't think I'd continue doing this after being sexually assaulted in the train in front of a bunch of freaking people who did absolutely nothing even though they knew and saw exactly what was happening. I apologise for the long rant but I really needed to get this out. I just want him out of my life and I'd rather be somewhere else and if he wants to kick me out just because he doesn't agree with it then fine. I could care less and I won't be crawling back to anyone, ever.

Hi girls, thank you for the replies! Sorry for that long rant of mine I probably seem like a crazy person but I'm not. ;x I really appreciate all your kind words. I'm sorry to hear that Ida. My whole family except him has a problem calling me what I want. I'm not from the U.S but I know a few places where I can get them done. You're all very beautiful people and please don't let anyone ever bring you down! You girls give me the courage, inspiration and hope that I need to keep pursuing this dream of mine. :) I don't know if I'd be a model but I guess it would be nice, haha. Thank you all!

Valleyrie, you vent anytime you need to. We support each other on good AND bad days, so don't worry about anything. I do hope your situation has room for improvement and you can be happy enjoying the real you very soon.  :)

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on August 01, 2014, 07:21:57 PM
Valleyrie, you vent anytime you need to. We support each other on good AND bad days, so don't worry about anything. I do hope your situation has room for improvement and you can be happy enjoying the real you very soon.  :)

Jessica, +1 applause to you.  Unconditional moral support is what we trans-girls are here for each other.

On "good days" and "bad days" and everything in between.  The world is not necessarily always so accepting to trans girls or trans men, so we need to support each other here.

Johanna.

Thanks Jessica, I'm feeling very unenergetic, worried and feel like I'm losing interest in doing things right now. I'm just worried about all this testosterone in my body and I was really looking forward to start blockers at least but I doubt that's going to happen. I was trying to explain to him that I just wanted that for now but he wouldn't let me speak or even listen to what I had to say. I could give it one more go when I'm more calmed down but I don't even want to speak to him right now, he's on another level of irrational. ;\ What do yous think, would it be worth another shot? I have my next appointment in November and I should be able to see an Andrologist before then so maybe it could happen?

Quote from: Valleyrie on August 01, 2014, 07:57:58 PM
Thanks Jessica, I'm feeling very unenergetic, worried and feel like I'm losing interest in doing things right now. I'm just worried about all this testosterone in my body and I was really looking forward to start blockers at least but I doubt that's going to happen. I was trying to explain to him that I just wanted that for now but he wouldn't let me speak or even listen to what I had to say. I could give it one more go when I'm more calmed down but I don't even want to speak to him right now, he's on another level of irrational. ;\ What do yous think, would it be worth another shot? I have my next appointment in November and I should be able to see an Andrologist before then so maybe it could happen?

I totally understand. This is a very confusing issue even for me being a Paramedic. We were never taught about gender or trans issue's in school so I was just as confused with all the same emotions you talk about. I can say it does get better, maybe not easier, but better. I don't remember if you are seeing a gender therapist, but mine helped me a LOT. They both made me see I am not crazy or silly for wanting transition and gave a lot of good advice when I had issue's at first. I have moved forward so far I am just on maintenance therapy now after finally truly accepting myself and starting HRT. It was not easy to get to this point as the ones who have supported me my first day here can attest to. It seems like it takes forever to get your journey started, but once it does it moves very quickly. I still have days where I can't believe how far I have come so far. Just know your day WILL come and the frustration will subside a lot. We are here to help you through the especially difficult days that you will have from now until then.

As for your father. Every once in a while you will encounter people who will never understand or want to. It is never too late though to try, heal and move on though. Remember, people still thought the world was flat even after it was proven false. Some will never accept us because it can cause them to look deep inside themselves to places they are afraid of. When people get set in their ways and are comfortable they just don't want that belief shattered. Do the best you can and accept you did try. If he rejects you that is on him, not you. Live YOUR life free and without regrets.  :)

I am seeing a gender therapist at the moment and have been seen by 2 adolescent psychiatrist which is a requirement. I'm not sure if they've diagnosed me yet but I've basically gotten everything done. Seeing an Andrologist at 18 isn't required but recommended but aside from all that I've basically gone through the whole process. I totally agree with what you said at the end. You're very helpful, thanks. :)

Quote from: Valleyrie on August 01, 2014, 06:58:18 PM
Hi everyone, I'm very distraught, tired and angry right now and last night was even worse. I don't know what to do. I had a major break down yesterday and my emotions were all over the place. I got so mad that I just bursted out yelling in anger and hate. I did not even see this coming and did not expect me to do that at all. This has happened to me only twice before and it was because of my "father". I couldn't stop crying for about a whole hour and when I did it just happened again and again. Just for reference I won't be referring to him as my "Dad" or anything throughout this, he sickens me and I don't want him in my life.

I just got in the car with him after taking the train and for whatever reason he didn't go to work that day... He's so freaking lazy and arrogant I swear. He starts asking me what the appointment with me and him was for and he made up some bull**** saying how he forgot and it was a last moment thing, wtf? I think I already mentioned this but he's done this before but said he had more important things to do. What's more important than your own damn child's health? He turns off the radio saying he needs to say something about it and starts getting all defensive and starts swearing.

He is so ignorant, illogical and irrational. He kept bringing up things that were COMPLETELY irrelevant. I tried to be open with him telling him how much it hurts me when he uses male pronouns on me and at one point thought I said I didn't like him when I said I didn't like him calling me son and I could tell he got even more pissed off when he thought I said that. He kept using arguments such as if I don't want him to call me son and all that then am I going to stop calling him "Dad"? WTF! I hate him so much, he's never been there for me and acts like he has. He kept going on about how I should've told him from the start and that he could've put me back on the right path as if he can change this. Then I kept asking him what's so wrong about it and he would say nothing then say something that shows the complete opposite. I'm not scared of him or anyone at all and I don't give a **** if he gets mad. He thinks I was insulting him by trying to have a decent conversation with him and threatened to slap me. He even said he'd rather shoot me in the head than see me "change" saying how he's losing me and blah blah blah. I'm trying to give him the opportunity to have a relationship with me but he does not see this at all so **** him. I'm done with him, I've tried it so many times over the years.

I literally cannot understand what is wrong with him. He starts crying and going on about how his family and crap thinking he can persuade me by feeling sorry for him. I kept asking what this had to do with what I'm trying to talk about and he thinks I'm the stupid one. He continued insulting me, he knows I suffer from severe depression and anxiety but nope, it's always about him and how he feels. He was saying how I've never had a job or ever put food on the table. No ****ing sh** I can't get a job, I can't hold one. And nice one on insulting your own freaking child who's in a horrible state of mind. He even guaranteed that I won't get anywhere and I won't get where I want with transition. He kept asking why not wait until I'm 18 and how I was born with no physical deformations trying to dismiss who I am. Does he not understand how much this affects me? I can and will wait until I'm 18 if he doesn't want to be apart of him but why the hell would you make your own child wait. He says he wants me to be happy but I don't see this at all. He has always wanted things his way and thinks he's always right.

He asked what if I do change and I start having a relationship and move out and it doesn't go well like wtf? What does this have to do with anything. That could happen to anyone no matter what gender or sexuality. He kept mocking me too about being a girl and thinks just because someone is born with certain parts then they are just that. He was using vulgar language asking if I wanted "ti**" and to chop my thing off and have a "pu***". I hate how he talks it's so degrading and disgusting. He refuses to respect my decisions so I'm not going to respect him at all. I have absolutely no respect or cares about people like this. He's one of those parents who cares what other people think about them or their children like there's something wrong with being transgender or not being straight.

I know anger and hate aren't really helpful but I just cannot help myself. He pisses me off so bad and right now I do not want to talk or acknowledge him at all but if I don't then he'll most likely get mad. The only thing I'm worried about is him taking my guitar away or probably even breaking it - yes he'd do that. He's broken many things in this house before even my brother's and mum's phone. Guitar is literally the only thing I enjoy right now and I'm scared he'll do something to it. Aside from that, I'm not going to reason with him anymore. I don't care about him and his ignorant opinions and ideals. I really do not care at all what someone thinks about me and I've never really considered him as a parent. He has a firm belief in gender roles and thinks just because he's a so called "father" he has the right and power to do what he wants. He can go **** himself for all I care. He's never known me and I don't want him to know me.

He or anyone else can say what they want but I am a girl and have always been. If this was a choice then I don't think I'd continue doing this after being sexually assaulted in the train in front of a bunch of freaking people who did absolutely nothing even though they knew and saw exactly what was happening. I apologise for the long rant but I really needed to get this out. I just want him out of my life and I'd rather be somewhere else and if he wants to kick me out just because he doesn't agree with it then fine. I could care less and I won't be crawling back to anyone, ever.

Valleyrie, this made me cry some.  A new emotion for me, thanks to this wonderful estrogen and progesterone.  Cannot help myself.  I can now FEEL the suffering of others in a way I could never have imagined before starting to take strong female hormones.

You my dear DESERVE to align your body with your obviously female mind.

Stand up for yourself, girl!  Good for you!

Being beat up while using public transportation...OMG why are people SO intolerant...watch out for yourself, girl...yikes...

I hope your journey becomes more peaceful and happy for you, and as soon as possible ASAP.

I feel for you, and I totally hope you can soon feel the euphoric happiness that I now feel in my life.

STAY TRUE TO YOUR FEMALE DREAMS!!!

A BIG BIG BIG hug to you,
Johanna.

Thanks for your kind words Johanna, I really can't wait to start hrt. I know it'd make me feel so much better about things. Not just about myself but probably the way I view things in life. *hugs*

Hi Valleyrie,
I can't imagine how hard this must be for you right now. I didn't start transition until 33 but my parents have both been very supportive, and without that things would have been so much harder.

Can I ask, do you have friends who support you, and are there any other family members who support and understand your position? It sounds like you do need some kind of mediator in your discussions with your dad. His refusal to come to the appointment is pretty shocking, and a real shame because that would've been the perfect way to discuss this.

Do as much as you can yourself in preparation, if needs be make sure you have somewhere to go once you start hormones. Could you keep your guitar at a friends house for a while?

And believe me, the social anxiety will get better. I was a mess in my first few months of full time, and I felt like any time I went out people were staring at me, when in truth they weren't at all. I remember once feeling everyone's eyes on me as I walked down a high street. Then I saw my reflection in a window. Even to my eyes, I looked unremarkable, and I could see in the reflection that everyone around me was just getting on with their day, there was no looking or pointing at all. It's really difficult to get over that first stage but once you do then your confidence will just keep getting better and better.

You know what you want, you've got your whole life ahead of you. Your dad may have some control now but that won't last and he will only be as big a part of your life as you let him. You've clearly got a real inner strength, bouncing back from the assault and facing up to your dad proves that, so as corny as it sounds keep believing in yourself.

I really hope everything works out for you.

Hey Squircle, my whole family are supportive and accepting of me except for him. I think I'd like to move out once I'm 18 but not sure if I'd be able to on my own though it would be nice. I don't really have any friends and the ones that I do have live quite far. I get what you mean, I always feel like people are staring at me and trying to figure out what gender I am. With that said, my social anxiety has improved a lot over the years but now it's more to do with my gender I believe. That didn't sound corny at all and thanks. :)

Valleyrie, SO great that you have many others that support you, other than your dad.

I am older, and so my parents are both deceased, I think my mother would have supported me but I am not so sure about my dad.

I have a great relationship with my sister, although I live far away in Latin America.

Most, but not all, of my family accept a lesbian female cousin of mine when she came out about 10 years ago.  She talks like a truck driver, smokes cigars, and basically works as a mechanic and in building construction.  She is male, IMO, but has chosen to see herself as lesbian...more power to her!

I think my sister would accept my coming out, although I won't necessarily have to do that anytime soon since I go the USA only about once every 2 weeks or so, and I am a legal permanent resident here in Latin America.  As my breasts grow, soon I may not be able to hide them presenting as male as anymore, so I will simply probably have to come out in most in my work and personal relationships in the Latin country I live in.

In about a a month or so, depending on my hair growth and breast growth, I will probably go in for a professional bra measuring for a sports bra when presenting as male, and then some pretty feminine bras for when I want to present as female while shopping etc.

Hey, it will be nice to not have to use push-up bras anymore, if and when I reach that stage soon.

I am also getting some excellent hair advice in another forum here on this website.

Hugs and kisses Valleyrie, In the end, your perseverance and determination to win out with your true female goals...IMO opinion you are obviously female gender, I have no doubt about this, and no matter what your dad says, I don't think you will change to male again.  YOU ARE FEMALE, Valleyrie!

xxoo
Hugs and kisses my dear,
Johanna.

Quote from: Valleyrie on August 02, 2014, 12:06:41 AM
Thanks for your kind words Johanna, I really can't wait to start hrt. I know it'd make me feel so much better about things. Not just about myself but probably the way I view things in life. *hugs*

Hi Valleyrie,

I've been lurking around this thread of yours reading it when I can. Your story concerning the difficulties with your father has hit so close to home with me. So I know how you feel all too well. My adopted father was both physically and verbally abusive, and even at one point when I was growing up had a neighborhood kid beat me up to in his way of thinking, toughen me up. The memory of this incident in my childhood is very hard for me to write about as the emotional hurt from this still lingers in my mind today. In fact, though I've written about other incidents in my childhood this is the first time I've wrote about this. He could never accept me for who I was even years and years later as an adult. It took him having a major stroke about 9 months before his death, before he finally got to know the real me.

Just don't let anything or anyone stop you from transitioning once you come of age. You don't want to be looking back from middle age on your best years lost to misery and anguish knowing you could have been happy had you just listened to your heart, and not the opinions of ignorant people. I'm 49 pushing 50, and when I think about the best years of my life thrown away I can't help but cry. I have to stop here.

Just know that you have all of us here behind you, and have my best wishes you'll be able to live as the young woman you are soon.

Edit: JohannaJohn, I'm happy to see another older lady going through a successful transition.

Allie

Quote from: Allyda on August 02, 2014, 04:01:57 PM
Hi Valleyrie,

I've been lurking around this thread of yours reading it when I can. Your story concerning the difficulties with your father has hit so close to home with me. So I know how you feel all too well. My adopted father was both physically and verbally abusive, and even at one point when I was growing up had a neighborhood kid beat me up to in his way of thinking, toughen me up. The memory of this incident in my childhood is very hard for me to write about as the emotional hurt from this still lingers in my mind today. In fact, though I've written about other incidents in my childhood this is the first time I've wrote about this. He could never accept me for who I was even years and years later as an adult. It took him having a major stroke about 9 months before his death, before he finally got to know the real me.

Just don't let anything or anyone stop you from transitioning once you come of age. You don't want to be looking back from middle age on your best years lost to misery and anguish knowing you could have been happy had you just listened to your heart, and not the opinions of ignorant people. I'm 49 pushing 50, and when I think about the best years of my life thrown away I can't help but cry. I have to stop here.

Just know that you have all of us here behind you, and have my best wishes you'll be able to live as the young woman you are soon.

Edit: JohannaJohn, I'm happy to see another older lady going through a successful transition.

Allie

Allie, I am over the moon with happiness!  Progesterone and estrogen are beloved and the mental changes are the BEST!  I can cry, I can FEEL, I can UNDERSTAND my cis genetic girlfriend even better, all of my business relationships have gotten better 7 weeks into very full dose HRT...

My father sometimes BEAT my mother, and then later BEAT my step-mother.  He was a good dad in many respects, but with these actions he was criminal.  Back then, no one took it very seriously so he never was arrested.  I witnessed this as a child.  This makes me want to cry, for my beautiful mother.

Valleyrie, you can be the strong girl and be your true self.  Not everyone will accept your female transition.

THIS IS THEIR PROBLEM, NOT YOURS.

Big warm hugs,

Johanna.

@Johanna

I'm very sorry to hear that, I'm sure it would've been nice for your parents to see you for who you really are. I'd actually like to get a bra right now just to feel more feminine but I have no breast lol. It's hard because he doesn't understand I've always been female and nothing is going to change that. I really hope all goes well with your coming out, it will be nice for people to see the real you! *hugs*

@Allyda

Hi Allyda, I really appreciate you sharing your story and taking the time to read this thread. I know I made some pretty long posts. That really sucks you had to go through all that. I can understand why it still affects you to this day and I've never understood the logic behind beating someone up or making them do things to toughen them up. He has been very abusive both physically and verbally to my family but mostly my Mum which has caused me to despise him. I certainly will not let anyone stop me from doing what I want, ever. I know I'm young but I've lost most of my life in agony and despair and still am. I need to be myself or else my life will continue to be depressed and empty.

I'm glad there are others who can relate to my situation and whom I can share my pain with, it really helps being reminded that I'm not alone in this. I've been very depressed since what happened about two days ago and I haven't been getting out of my room as I don't want him to speak to me at all. I got my eyebrows done yesterday and the lady referred to me as a boy and how I should get a boy's style which just made me feel even worse. >.> My two brothers have been very helpful and have been bringing me in food and water which I am so thankful for that I have many others who support me. :)

Val, hugs

You are very strong. I never had the guts to do what you are doing at your age. You really are an inspiration.

I think you already are very far along in your transition (minus the HRT) and I know you will succeed and do well.

Quote from: Valleyrie on August 02, 2014, 07:46:09 PM
@Johanna

I'm very sorry to hear that, I'm sure it would've been nice for your parents to see you for who you really are. I'd actually like to get a bra right now just to feel more feminine but I have no breast lol. It's hard because he doesn't understand I've always been female and nothing is going to change that. I really hope all goes well with your coming out, it will be nice for people to see the real you! *hugs*

@Allyda

Hi Allyda, I really appreciate you sharing your story and taking the time to read this thread. I know I made some pretty long posts. That really sucks you had to go through all that. I can understand why it still affects you to this day and I've never understood the logic behind beating someone up or making them do things to toughen them up. He has been very abusive both physically and verbally to my family but mostly my Mum which has caused me to despise him. I certainly will not let anyone stop me from doing what I want, ever. I know I'm young but I've lost most of my life in agony and despair and still am. I need to be myself or else my life will continue to be depressed and empty.

I'm glad there are others who can relate to my situation and whom I can share my pain with, it really helps being reminded that I'm not alone in this. I've been very depressed since what happened about two days ago and I haven't been getting out of my room as I don't want him to speak to me at all. I got my eyebrows done yesterday and the lady referred to me as a boy and how I should get a boy's style which just made me feel even worse. >.> My two brothers have been very helpful and have been bringing me in food and water which I am so thankful for that I have many others who support me. :)

When I go in for my makeover at the beauty salon in a few weeks after my breasts are just a little bigger and my hair a little more beautiful longer to post photos here at Susan's, I won't settle for anything less than totally feminine!

I mean, they will see my small breasts and so I will tell the stylist that I am taking hormones to become female, so please do my makeup and nails professionally so I have photos of me to post in various places that I want to post them...such as HERE!

I won't accept anything for a "boy" or male.

I might have to appear in "male mode" again for work a few hours later, so I will ask them to take that into account when styling my hair for my photos.

I wonder if I will have trouble trying to enter my apartment building as a female...yikes!  The security guards might not recognize me...OMG!

I might have to take off some of the makeup at a shopping center before I come home, I guess...although I know that Mascara doesn't come off for about 12 to 24 hours...

Valleyrie, you are the customer...they have to comply with your request to look like a GIRL if you want that.

Valleyrie, get push-up bras with B or C cups.  They don't cost a lot of money if you buy an economical brand.  This is what I did, when going out in public about 10 or 15 times last year with male shirt and pants, but push-ups bra and some eyeshadow and blush.

Valleyrie, many girls here have had the EXTREME distress you are feeling, everyone is on your side here.  Cry on our shoulders if you need to.

Now, I have had a reasonable life as a male.  I have a beautiful princess 6 year old daughter named Nicole, for one thing.

:)

It is just that starting HRT, and learning FOR SURE that my body and mind feel in super euphoria of happiness with pure estrogen and pure progesterone.  My body is changing drastically just 7 week into hormones, and my mind and emotions are changing even more.  I feel total harmony and oneness with my life and relationships.  What more can I say?

I hope that you can have the same very shortly, and that your roadblocks become superhighways leading up into the sky where you can fly to your female rainbow.

There really IS that pink or purple unicorn there, waiting for you, when you are able to get there.

Warm hugs,
Johanna.

Ahh, you girls make me so happy. ^.^ That means a lot Cynthia so thank you!! The way I dress is quite androgynous but more on the feminine side, I think it's just a few things that sort of give me away and plus I don't really try to come off as female. I'm always so exhausted because of my depression and it gets me down so I have no energy to put into anything. I should probably try make-up, I only really wear small amounts of eye-liner and mascara because I have no idea what to do. :p I really want a bra now and I so can't wait for the emotional and mental side of hormones once I'm able to start. :) I can't wait to see your photos, I'm sure you're a very beautiful woman!

Quote from: Valleyrie on August 02, 2014, 08:52:10 PM
Ahh, you girls make me so happy. ^.^ That means a lot Cynthia so thank you!! The way I dress is quite androgynous but more on the feminine side, I think it's just a few things that sort of give me away and plus I don't really try to come off as female. I'm always so exhausted because of my depression and it gets me down so I have no energy to put into anything. I should probably try make-up, I only really wear small amounts of eye-liner and mascara because I have no idea what to do. :p I really want a bra now and I so can't wait for the emotional and mental side of hormones once I'm able to start. :) I can't wait to see your photos, I'm sure you're a very beautiful woman!

I am still learning, too, Valleyrie.

Try youtube.com.  There are hundreds maybe thousands of beautiful girls showing makeup tips on just about any makeup topic you can think of.

For my photos, I will have female pros do my makeup so it is done RIGHT.

Johanna.

Makeup I was taught by a beautician that ironically, my adopted father was dating after he and my adopted Mom got divorced. She was very good and I really appreciated her taking the time, and going against his wishes to show me. She and I are friends to this day even though he's long gone.

@Johanna: I can't wait to see your photo's. I bet you already look great!

@Valleyrie: Thanks for understanding. Your words mean a lot to me.

Allie :icon_flower:

Quote from: Allyda on August 03, 2014, 09:09:58 PM
Makeup I was taught by a beautician that ironically, my adopted father was dating after he and my adopted Mom got divorced. She was very good and I really appreciated her taking the time, and going against his wishes to show me. She and I are friends to this day even though he's long gone.

@Johanna: I can't wait to see your photo's. I bet you already look great!

@Valleyrie: Thanks for understanding. Your words mean a lot to me.

Allie :icon_flower:

Thanks so much Allie...well I hope so...the hair now growing longer is coming out beautiful natural light medium brown with some curls near the end.  This is fun, Ally...what an amazing journey this is so far!