Susan's Place Transgender Resources

In 1994 my mom discovered that I was a transgender and she didn't do very much except send me to a therapist and they put me on medication. During that time my father's health has been declining and in the past few weeks he's had three heart related surgeries. My current therapist has told me to put aside my problem and to 'man' up to the current situation with my family. Am I being selfish if I can't just all of a sudden change midstream? My plans are that I wanna go full time, but apparently my family needs me as a man and not as a woman. As Vinnie Barbarino would say "I'm so confused!"

First if a therapist that is supposed to be helping me with my GD issues told me to man up they would not be my therapist after.

One has to take there own responsibility in life separate of what others might feel or act.

There is no law that give one person control over the other. Those days are go.

Do what you feel you must do. maybe girl up and do what is needed in the current family situation.

Hugs

Wow Gina. I really don't know what to say. I don't think being who you are is selfish in the least. But it is something that you are gonna' have to decide. A therapist told you to man up? Say you are a guy and you have long hair and you knew your dad hated long hair on his "son", would you get it cut? I may be selfish too but I wouldn't. I just don't know what to say but it is gonna have to be your call.

Quote from: mrs izzy on August 06, 2014, 09:47:20 AM
First if a therapist that is supposed to be helping me with my GD issues told me to man up they would not be my therapist after.
I just thought it was a weird comment for him to say, but my mom was present and I think he was trying to appease her. I'll have to ask him about that the next time I see him. the reason my mom was there is because she feels that I go there and I just talk about my problems and not what is going on outside of my world.  But isn't that what I'm seeing a therapist for???
One has to take there own responsibility in life separate of what others might feel or act. I realize that, but you see my mom expects me to just drop everything and attend to the needs of my father until he dies. I've got my future to think about . . .

There is no law that give one person control over the other. Those days are go. I don't think my mom has realized that. A friend who was talking with her a while back couldn't believe how much control she thinks she has over me. Right now I'm in the process of taking over my life financially!  :)

Do what you feel you must do. maybe girl up and do what is needed in the current family situation. I may just have to do that, 'cos there really isn't much man left in me.  :laugh:

Hugs

Quote from: Jess42 on August 06, 2014, 09:50:27 AM
Wow Gina. I really don't know what to say. I don't think being who you are is selfish in the least. But it is something that you are gonna' have to decide. A therapist told you to man up? Say you are a guy and you have long hair and you knew your dad hated long hair on his "son", would you get it cut? I may be selfish too but I wouldn't. I just don't know what to say but it is gonna have to be your call.

Very good advice there Mrs. Izzy.  Thx. A lot to think about but I do kind of know which way I'll be heading . . .

MY grandparents whom are the ones who raised me for the most part, pretty much say the same thing just instead of "man up" they say grow up.  they would say the phase I'm in will end according and everything will be alright..  yet I've had the same problems for many years already before I ever got the courage to bring stuff up to anyone.  I say if your heart feels like your doing the right thing then that's good enough ^.^  I don't understand what your therapist would suggest leaving everything, other then maybe having to much to handle with everything ?  I know I had a lot of low points and any added stress was just enough to put me over the edge, maybe he just wants to see you succeed short term and when things settle down worry about the whole Transgender issue.  Personally I would never go backwards.

Sorry if I just rambling on about nothing hope it helps ^.^

Hi Gina,
My first reaction was that he should not have said "man up". On further thought, I think that what he was trying to say was that your family need to stay together at this difficult time and that perhaps you might consider holding off your transition in the short term to facilitate them.
It must be a very difficult decision for you. You will know in your heart what the right decision is. Good luck and we will all support you whatever you decide, and we will never consider you as selfish.
Ciara

Honestly, man up is a pretty generic and IMO, weak statement.  I sort of look at it as being an easy way out when you really have no advice to give.  That's an indication to me that he may not be a very good therapist and isn't really empathizing with YOUR situation.  Everyone runs into health problems, but it doesn't mean you should have to change who you are and live in pain because of it.  If they feel like you can't be there for them as you are, then why would changing "superficially" make any difference.  Your still the same person and you being there for them shouldn't really be any different either way. 

I've read a lot of your posts Gina and it seems like your father is just having a difficult time understanding or accepting you for who you are, regardless of whether he's sick, that's his problem.  I don't mean that to be as cold as it sounds; just reads that way.  Maybe when you need to be there for them you could present as male for a while, but I really don't think you should sacrifice everything; especially if this is everything you ever wanted.

"

Quote from: Gina Taylor on August 06, 2014, 09:43:00 AM
apparently my family needs me as a man and not as a woman.

What sort of need to they have that only a man can provide? You're not a steer used for breeding.

Do they need you to work a job to support some family members financially? Run a household? Do house / car maintenance / cook / clean? Take care of siblings? Take care of ill or elderly adults? You can do all of these things as male or female or transitioning. Sure, it's more challenging, but as they say, "where there's a will, there's a way".

Your mom says you have to drop transition to take care of your dad? Prove her wrong.

I'm saying this with the assumption that you intend to step up to the plate and help your family when they need it. Because transition shouldn't prevent you from contributing to your family.

Is your therapist a man? Tell him to "woman up" and see how he likes it.

BTW, is he a gender therapist or just a general therapist who may have limited experience?  I'd assume that if he was any good as a gender therapist then he'd realize transgendered people have the highest rate of suicide and that simply trying to just have you ignore things and "man up" could be a pretty risky proposition on his part.

I hate that saying, "man up". What is exactly manning up? I definitely agree with The Question that any therapist whether experienced or not in gender issues would tell someone with GID that is MTF to man up. Really it is pretty reckless and uncaring and insensitive to you. Maybe you should challenge them the next time you see them and ask them what exactly they mean by it. *Trigger warning* I think, but I would ask them what if I were suicidal and telling me to man up made me go through with it and left a note specifically saying I can't man up placing the blame on the therapist in question. If they don't have too much experience it may make them think next time about being so reckless with words that make us even more dyphoric.

Quote from: Gina Taylor on August 06, 2014, 10:14:24 AM
Very good advice there Mrs. Izzy.  Thx. A lot to think about but I do kind of know which way I'll be heading . . .

I am glad i gave you something to think about and feel it helped some.

You deserve a life of happiness outside your mothers control for sure.

Hugs and safe passage.

Quote from: Gina Taylor on August 06, 2014, 09:43:00 AM
My current therapist has told me to put aside my problem and to 'man' up to the current situation with my family.

If that were my therapist, it would be the last sentence he ever spoke to me. I'd walk out of his office and find another therapist.

Any therapist who thinks you should "put aside" being transgender, should not be in practice.

Please consider that this guy might be doing you more harm than good.

Do what you think is best for you! Only you can decide what is really best for yourself. Don't let any family member or therapist tell you how you should be. They don't have to live your life, you do.

Quote from: Gina Taylor on August 06, 2014, 09:43:00 AM
My current therapist has told me to put aside my problem and to 'man' up to the current situation with my family.

I'm certainly no native speaker but I wouldn't understand this as to stop transitioning. I'd rather understand a request to be strong. I'd understand: "stop questioning yourself and be strong." It admittedly IS an awkward way of telling that to a trans woman.

I had a therapist call me a man playing dress up once...I forgot her name as I never went back. 

You have to take care of you as no one else can and have nothing to be ashamed of, live your life it is short and meant to be lived.

Quote from: TheQuestion on August 06, 2014, 11:38:24 AM
BTW, is he a gender therapist or just a general therapist who may have limited experience?  I'd assume that if he was any good as a gender therapist then he'd realize transgendered people have the highest rate of suicide and that simply trying to just have you ignore things and "man up" could be a pretty risky proposition on his part.

My therapist is a mental health therapist.

Quote from: Jess42 on August 06, 2014, 03:54:01 PM
I hate that saying, "man up". What is exactly manning up? I definitely agree with The Question that any therapist whether experienced or not in gender issues would tell someone with GID that is MTF to man up. Really it is pretty reckless and uncaring and insensitive to you. Maybe you should challenge them the next time you see them and ask them what exactly they mean by it. *Trigger warning* I think, but I would ask them what if I were suicidal and telling me to man up made me go through with it and left a note specifically saying I can't man up placing the blame on the therapist in question. If they don't have too much experience it may make them think next time about being so reckless with words that make us even more dyphoric.

I agree with you 100% that that wasn't the appropriate thing to say, but as I said, I think he was just trying to appease my mom. But as said I'll be talking with him about that when I see him again soon. But 'Manning up' in his terms I think was simply to put aside what I'm doing and be a man around the family and try to
appease your mother, 'cos she's going through some hard times. Right now my dad has developed dementia, but it's been developing slowly and he's gone a bit looney tunes with it.

Quote from: mrs izzy on August 06, 2014, 03:59:20 PM
I am glad i gave you something to think about and feel it helped some.

You deserve a life of happiness outside your mothers control for sure.

Hugs and safe passage.

I know. She goes on about how she's devoted her life to me because of my accident for the past 36 years and now she's expecting me to return the favor and be there full force for her. She's forgetting that  aside from the fact that I am her first born I do have 2 sisters that are quite capable as well.

Quote from: suzifrommd on August 06, 2014, 04:02:43 PM
If that were my therapist, it would be the last sentence he ever spoke to me. I'd walk out of his office and find another therapist.

Any therapist who thinks you should "put aside" being transgender, should not be in practice.

Please consider that this guy might be doing you more harm than good.

As much as I'd like to, he's been the best one that I've found who actually listens and advises me.

Quote from: Megumi on August 07, 2014, 09:11:19 PM
Do what you think is best for you! Only you can decide what is really best for yourself. Don't let any family member or therapist tell you how you should be. They don't have to live your life, you do.

Very good advice, and I will take it into consideration. :)

Quote from: Pia Bianca on August 07, 2014, 11:48:40 PM
I'm certainly no native speaker but I wouldn't understand this as to stop transitioning. I'd rather understand a request to be strong. I'd understand: "stop questioning yourself and be strong." It admittedly IS an awkward way of telling that to a trans woman.

Again he's appeasing my mom and telling me that he thinks that my transitioning to a woman should come second considering what is happening with my father who is having sever health problems and may die. But you've all made very good arguments that I am not being selfish if I continue onwards with what I've been doing.

Quote from: StevieAK on August 08, 2014, 01:54:22 AM
I had a therapist call me a man playing dress up once...I forgot her name as I never went back. 

You have to take care of you as no one else can and have nothing to be ashamed of, live your life it is short and meant to be lived.

That's got to be the worst! It's almost as bad as people calling me a cross-dresser. Believe me, I quickly correct them and tell them the truth about who and what I am. ;D

Quote from: Gina Taylor on August 09, 2014, 09:30:18 AM
As much as I'd like to, he's been the best one that I've found who actually listens and advises me.

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Gina a good Therapist would have stood up for their patient and their well being. NOT placate your mother and tell you to "man" up. This Therapist DOES NOT have YOUR well being as his goal. Many have told you this, but you still stand behind this person. Why? Why ask for advice and then disregard it all. You are going to be stuck in this continuous cycle until you take charge of your life. No reason for denying your right to happiness is going to fly.  :(

Gina, I'm wondering: when is it ever going to be okay with your mom for you to transition?

You've already waited 20 years. Twenty years since they found out you're trans. You've tried the medication, you've tried therapists, you've done everything they've asked of you. I'd call that giving it a good ol' college try... and you're still trans.

So right now your mom wants you to hang on so that you can support your father. But in the very sad event of his passing, do you honestly think she'll suddenly say "OK Gina, thanks for helping with your dad, I'm happy for you to transition now?". Or is she going to move the goalposts again? What'll be next - wait until your mother dies? Wait until your sister's kids grow up? Wait until the second coming?

Gina, honey... I honestly believe she's trying to stall you in the hopes that she can put you off transitioning in her lifetime, and preferably forever. You've mentioned that she's very controlling and manipulative - and I believe that's exactly what she's doing to you now. But here's the thing: she can only control you and manipulate you if you allow her. If you want to transition, you'll need to break the cycle.

Here's what I would do: tell your mom that you're attending your therapist appointments on your own - you're an adult and are entitled to privacy. Either call your therapist out on his 'man-up' comment, or drop him like a hot potato. And tell your mother that you'll be more than happy to do your share of helping your father - which is to offer 1/4 of the help he needs, since he has three other women who can help him too. But tell her you won't be doing the lion's share because you're going to need a lot of time, support and money to successfully complete your transition. Your mother and sisters need to 'man up' too.

Quote from: FTMDiaries on August 09, 2014, 01:03:04 PM
I honestly believe she's trying to stall you in the hopes that she can put you off transitioning in her lifetime, and preferably forever.

definitely this /\!! She is only worried about HER life, not YOURS. Well said FTM!! :eusa_clap:

As to your topic title, you are not being selfish, you are being unrealistic.

Having a parent's health fail is vey difficult, hugs.

Perhaps a new therapist, especially a gender therapist would be in your best interests.

I wonder if the "therapist" you are going to is in alliance with your Mom and does not have your best interests at heart.

About presentation, do what feels right realizing what is being asked may be for a short period or prolonged. What will reduce your stress more? Perhaps the best thing for you is to get an apartment with some other trans* in your area. 

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on August 09, 2014, 11:37:15 AM
:icon_no: :icon_no: :icon_no: :icon_no: :icon_no: :icon_no: :icon_no:
Gina a good Therapist would have stood up for their patient and their well being. NOT placate your mother and tell you to "man" up. This Therapist DOES NOT have YOUR well being as his goal. Many have told you this, but you still stand behind this person. Why? Why ask for advice and then disregard it all. You are going to be stuck in this continuous cycle until you take charge of your life. No reason for denying your right to happiness is going to fly. 

Thanks Jessica for your kind and warm words, but like I said I'll be talking with my therapist this week and I'll see what he really meant. It's not that I disregard taking anyone's advice, but sometimes I will listen and then I'll decide if I want to take it or not. Nothing personal.

Quote from: FTMDiaries on August 09, 2014, 01:03:04 PM
Gina, I'm wondering: when is it ever going to be okay with your mom for you to transition?

You've already waited 20 years. Twenty years since they found out you're trans. You've tried the medication, you've tried therapists, you've done everything they've asked of you. I'd call that giving it a good ol' college try... and you're still trans.

So right now your mom wants you to hang on so that you can support your father. But in the very sad event of his passing, do you honestly think she'll suddenly say "OK Gina, thanks for helping with your dad, I'm happy for you to transition now?". Or is she going to move the goalposts again? What'll be next - wait until your mother dies? Wait until your sister's kids grow up? Wait until the second coming?

Gina, honey... I honestly believe she's trying to stall you in the hopes that she can put you off transitioning in her lifetime, and preferably forever. You've mentioned that she's very controlling and manipulative - and I believe that's exactly what she's doing to you now. But here's the thing: she can only control you and manipulate you if you allow her. If you want to transition, you'll need to break the cycle.

Here's what I would do: tell your mom that you're attending your therapist appointments on your own - you're an adult and are entitled to privacy. Either call your therapist out on his 'man-up' comment, or drop him like a hot potato. And tell your mother that you'll be more than happy to do your share of helping your father - which is to offer 1/4 of the help he needs, since he has three other women who can help him too. But tell her you won't be doing the lion's share because you're going to need a lot of time, support and money to successfully complete your transition. Your mother and sisters need to 'man up' too.

You've made some very good points here and once I can speak with my mom wen she's in a good frame of mind, I will ask her. :)

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on August 09, 2014, 01:08:04 PM
definitely this /\!! She is only worried about HER life, not YOURS. Well said FTM!! :eusa_clap:

As to your topic title, you are not being selfish, you are being unrealistic.

That's what I thought as well. Thanks

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on August 10, 2014, 07:26:42 AM
Having a parent's health fail is vey difficult, hugs.

Perhaps a new therapist, especially a gender therapist would be in your best interests.

I wonder if the "therapist" you are going to is in alliance with your Mom and does not have your best interests at heart.

About presentation, do what feels right realizing what is being asked may be for a short period or prolonged. What will reduce your stress more? Perhaps the best thing for you is to get an apartment with some other trans* in your area. 

I see my therapist for me. He has no alliance to my mom. Like I said before she goes to fill him n on what's happening outside of my world. She thinks I only go there and talk about my transsexual problems.

Quote from: FTMDiaries on August 09, 2014, 01:03:04 PM
Gina, I'm wondering: when is it ever going to be okay with your mom for you to transition?

You've already waited 20 years. Twenty years since they found out you're trans. You've tried the medication, you've tried therapists, you've done everything they've asked of you. I'd call that giving it a good ol' college try... and you're still trans.

So right now your mom wants you to hang on so that you can support your father. But in the very sad event of his passing, do you honestly think she'll suddenly say "OK Gina, thanks for helping with your dad, I'm happy for you to transition now?". Or is she going to move the goalposts again? What'll be next - wait until your mother dies? Wait until your sister's kids grow up? Wait until the second coming?

Gina, honey... I honestly believe she's trying to stall you in the hopes that she can put you off transitioning in her lifetime, and preferably forever. You've mentioned that she's very controlling and manipulative - and I believe that's exactly what she's doing to you now. But here's the thing: she can only control you and manipulate you if you allow her. If you want to transition, you'll need to break the cycle.

Here's what I would do: tell your mom that you're attending your therapist appointments on your own - you're an adult and are entitled to privacy. Either call your therapist out on his 'man-up' comment, or drop him like a hot potato. And tell your mother that you'll be more than happy to do your share of helping your father - which is to offer 1/4 of the help he needs, since he has three other women who can help him too. But tell her you won't be doing the lion's share because you're going to need a lot of time, support and money to successfully complete your transition. Your mother and sisters need to 'man up' too.

I re-read this post again, and you've really brought up some really good points here, and believe me, I'm definitely going to be discussing them with my therapist and see how this bounces off of him and see how I should handle them with my mom. there has been more times than I can count when I have approached her and she has just shrugged my request to transition with something that she thinks is more important.

Quote from: Gina Taylor on August 11, 2014, 11:04:38 AM
I re-read this post again, and you've really brought up some really good points here, and believe me, I'm definitely going to be discussing them with my therapist and see how this bounces off of him and see how I should handle them with my mom. there has been more times than I can count when I have approached her and she has just shrugged my request to transition with something that she thinks is more important.

That's wonderful Gina; I'm really pleased if I've given you some new avenues to explore. Good luck! :)

Do you need your mother's permission to transition? I'm sure you'd love to have her blessing, but as long as you don't need her permission for legal or financial reasons, you should just be able to go ahead and do whatever you want to do, whenever you're ready. Goodness knows you've waited long enough.

You know from time to time one of us always asks if we are being selfish. Why should we be forced to feel selfish?

Gina Hon, I don't think you are being selfish in the least. You are being true to yourself and that takes more courage than faking the BS about "man"ing up. I would say be true to yourself and those that can't accept it, tough.

Quote from: Jess42 on August 11, 2014, 05:23:53 PM
You know from time to time one of us always asks if we are being selfish. Why should we be forced to feel selfish?

Gina Hon, I don't think you are being selfish in the least. You are being true to yourself and that takes more courage than faking the BS about "man"ing up. I would say be true to yourself and those that can't accept it, tough.

Very well said Jess!  :eusa_clap: Right now with all that's going on in my family {really seems like an never ending drama} I was kind of under the impression  that it would be selfish of me to continue with my transition without thinking of my family, but putting it your way, it would not be selfish nor would I be just thinking of myself. Unfortunately look at Robin Williams, was he thinking of himself when he committed suicide? He's got four new movies coming out and he's got {would have} money coming in from all of them and he still took his own life. Like someone said in this thread, transsexuals go through a high percentage of suicides and I don't want to be a part of that percentile.

Gina you are going to have to start relying on your judgment a lot more than your Therapist. After the "man up" comment it is obvious to me he does not support you at all or take you seriously. You really think after his comment to you explaining your situation at home will help any? Please find a new Therapist who is help you, not demean you. You need to start taking charge of your own life and be firm in your convictions. If I were in your place and my Therapist told me what yours did I would have walked out and filed a grievance with the licensing board. It is hard for me to see how that comment was accidental or misunderstood by you. Take charge Gina as you are not a child anymore.  :)

Quote from: Gina Taylor on August 12, 2014, 09:20:01 AM

Very well said Jess!  :eusa_clap: Right now with all that's going on in my family {really seems like an never ending drama} I was kind of under the impression  that it would be selfish of me to continue with my transition without thinking of my family, but putting it your way, it would not be selfish nor would I be just thinking of myself. Unfortunately look at Robin Williams, was he thinking of himself when he committed suicide? He's got four new movies coming out and he's got {would have} money coming in from all of them and he still took his own life. Like someone said in this thread, transsexuals go through a high percentage of suicides and I don't want to be a part of that percentile.

That's the spirit. I hate, absolutely hate when there are so many of us made to feel selfish because we are only trying to be who we are. You have to ask yourself the question, who are the truly selfish ones? The ones that would rather us stay who they want us to be and be miserable or ourselves being true to who we are and happy even though it may force others to do nothing more than change their perceptions of us. Believe me it is way easier and painless to change perceptions than it is living a lie or untruth.

When someone says that your being selfish what they're really saying is that they don't want to deal with it. You are doing something that will improve their life. Some time it seems that family are more interested how others perceive them rather than the welfare of their child(ren). Religious bigotry plays a role in much of it.

If they read the bible it will show that God used a variety of people for his work. The eunuchs are an example of this. Not everyone was married, or had a family, or lived in a fancy home. Unfortunately, a lot of Christianity today has been reduced to creeds and following laws rather than the spirit.

Wait...I have a question: Since when did you have to be male in order to be strong enough to help your family? You're not strong? Because you've given up your masculine traits? In their eyes are you somehow 'emasculated'? Since when were male members of the family unit the optimal strength owners when historically it has been women? Didn't females birth us all into this world and raise us to begin with.

Does being transgender somehow mean you are not strong? That you cant help your family?

Are you selfish? Just or being who you are? Because they are going through a difficult time and don't have the strength to accept you as trans* rather than the masculine image they are trying to put on you? They seem more selfish in forcing you to be something you are not than you do; trying to help them IN SPITE of going through what you are going through right now.

I'm no expert but it sounds like a lame excuse just to get you to go back to being who they WANT you to be.

That's just my opinion

I spoke with my therapist yesterday about what he meant, and he told me that if my dad where to pass on, he'd be passing the torch onto me and I'd have to be the man of the house, even though I am a woman.

Quote from: Gina Taylor on August 16, 2014, 04:30:05 AM
I spoke with my therapist yesterday about what he meant, and he told me that if my dad where to pass on, he'd be passing the torch onto me and I'd have to be the man of the house, even though I am a woman.

Ugh, well Gina. I would probably be seeking another therapist and leaving this one with a little piece of my mind. I really don't know what to say other than it is a freakin' shame that this therapist seems like they could give a crap less about your GID and more about what you are paying him. Someone coming back from the battlefield with PTSD, you wouldn't advise they go see a war movie and basically that is what this therapist seems to be doing. Telling you to be what causes you so many problems to begin with is pretty negligent. The only thing, and he should have went into more detail as to why he said it, would be to guage your reaction to see how bad your GID is. I don't think that was the case though. I think he's just an idiot. Next time you go into his office, look at his diploma. If there is anything that says "Cracker Jacks" on it, find a better therapist. Actually I would be looking for one now.

God this is 2014 and women can take care of their families, even transwomen. If he walks like a duck and talks like a duck, he's just a quack. :)

Quote from: Gina Taylor on August 16, 2014, 04:30:05 AM
I spoke with my therapist yesterday about what he meant, and he told me that if my dad where to pass on, he'd be passing the torch onto me and I'd have to be the man of the house, even though I am a woman.

I just have to add this in as an afterthought. You should ask your therapist, I would anyway, what if you had been born genetic female? Would he be pushing you to be FTM in order to "man up" in order to be the man of the house? Some therapist, especially ones that are kind of ignorant to certain things you have to challenge them right back.

Just a question Gina. Are you sure he isn't just saying this to see what your reaction is? Of course if he were, he would probably have mentioned it during the initial statement after the session. Of course they all do things differently. Challenge the hell out of him, push back and let him know what you are thinking when he says things like this. If you don't like what he says, let him know. If you find things that he says offensive, let him know. The only reason that I could see a legitimate therapist saying things like this is to get your reaction. React, tell him you can't be a man if that's how you feel. But never leave a session with questions and statements left unanswered.

I'm actually constantly concerned about everyone else. I worry about how my mom is going to feel (and currently feels) for this sort of shapeshifting. I've gone my whole life as this one person who responds to "sir" and "son" and so on, and then it all just starts to come back to the surface. I start thinking about HRT, and the circumstances around transition, and what I'm going to put people through. Despite the support people may say they have for you, you know some of them are sighing on the inside. But you have to remember that a little discomfort to them doesn't compare to the anguish of being trans. We can't just ignore it so it goes away. It will always come right back, and with ferocity. It has to be dealt with properly. If that's being selfish, then the whole field of psychology should be abolished. :P

Quote from: sororcaeli on August 16, 2014, 07:52:37 AM
I'm actually constantly concerned about everyone else. I worry about how my mom is going to feel (and currently feels) for this sort of shapeshifting. I've gone my whole life as this one person who responds to "sir" and "son" and so on, and then it all just starts to come back to the surface. I start thinking about HRT, and the circumstances around transition, and what I'm going to put people through. Despite the support people may say they have for you, you know some of them are sighing on the inside. But you have to remember that a little discomfort to them doesn't compare to the anguish of being trans. We can't just ignore it so it goes away. It will always come right back, and with ferocity. It has to be dealt with properly. If that's being selfish, then the whole field of psychology should be abolished. :P

You are so right sororcaeli. If people had to feel what we do, I don't know if most of them could survive it. If people knew what we had to go through psychologically I think there would be a lot more compassion and empathy. I will just put it out there, but in my opinion in the world of psychology, we are probably stronger mentally than anyone else. Just look at what we go through. I have seen people hurt deeply by not being invited to a party when I was younger and we aren't even invited into everyday society.

Quote from: Jess42 on August 16, 2014, 05:31:26 AM
Ugh, well Gina. I would probably be seeking another therapist and leaving this one with a little piece of my mind. I really don't know what to say other than it is a freakin' shame that this therapist seems like they could give a crap less about your GID and more about what you are paying him. Someone coming back from the battlefield with PTSD, you wouldn't advise they go see a war movie and basically that is what this therapist seems to be doing. Telling you to be what causes you so many problems to begin with is pretty negligent. The only thing, and he should have went into more detail as to why he said it, would be to guage your reaction to see how bad your GID is. I don't think that was the case though. I think he's just an idiot. Next time you go into his office, look at his diploma. If there is anything that says "Cracker Jacks" on it, find a better therapist. Actually I would be looking for one now.

God this is 2014 and women can take care of their families, even transwomen. If he walks like a duck and talks like a duck, he's just a quack. :)

Thanks for your concern Jess, but I think your missing the overall picture here. My therapist is showing a little concern about the welfare of my family and how much concern there is for my father and how much time he has and how much importance is being place din me to be supportive towards the family after he's gone. I can really shine here if given the chance. But I can also do well as a woman as well if given the right circumstances. I don't think it's gonna be a thing where I'm gonna have to show off my gender too much. Right now my mom is gonna have to respect me and my choices more than anything  or we will have a parting of the ways and it will be very detrimental.

Quote from: Gina Taylor on August 16, 2014, 10:41:25 AM
Thanks for your concern Jess, but I think your missing the overall picture here. My therapist is showing a little concern about the welfare of my family and how much concern there is for my father and how much time he has and how much importance is being place din me to be supportive towards the family after he's gone. I can really shine here if given the chance. But I can also do well as a woman as well if given the right circumstances. I don't think it's gonna be a thing where I'm gonna have to show off my gender too much. Right now my mom is gonna have to respect me and my choices more than anything  or we will have a parting of the ways and it will be very detrimental.

OK. You may shine on the outside according to your therapist. Believe me, I ain't missing anything. But let me tell you this hon, the outside and shining doesn't matter in the least little bit if you don't have that shine on the inside. God wasn't this in a Stephen King movie. What I am telling you is first and foremost to be true to yourself no matter what and then you can shine for other people.

I really hate to say this and I am in kind of the same ship right now, the HSS Titanic, but when we our bodies cease to breathe, all of our questions will be answered. In other words, when you dad I gone he is gonna' recognize your Soul not by whatever name they decided to call you when you cam out with the wrong parts to yourself. And mine ain't far from and when he goes he is gone he is going to know he didn't have a physical son. But this ain't the spiritual section so.... :-X

Yeah your therapist is showing concern for your family but definitely a lack of concern for you and your problems. That tells me a lot about him and his Psychology degree. He does sound a little like  a duck. ;)

Gina, first and foremost be true to yourself or you'll never be able to be true to anyone else. You have your own life hon, and if you choose to take care of your family that is an extremely honorable thing. But still first and foremost be true to yourself or it will all be a lie and farce to you. Does this make sense to you? If you live a lie to yourself it is gonna' go downhill for you. Everyone else may be happy and I really hope to Hades that your therapist won't be happy.

OK so I am selfish in saying this. But Gina, hon, be who you are and everyone else is on their own with how they accept you. You can lie to other people, but you are never ever gonna' be able to lie to yourself.

By the way sis, you can shine just as bright as a woman as you can a man. :)

Gina, I know you are having a difficult time, hugs.

I hope you Father is doing better.

As I read about your therapist, instead of either your family's well being or yours. It should be your family's well being and your well being. I really do not think he has your well being as number one for you. He is putting your mothers wishes ahead of your needs. 

I hope you find a good gender therapist and if not I hope you set your therapist straight in a letter explaining his hurtful and disrespectful comments are not tolerated and he needs to stop immediately.

I would be interested to know if your therapist would write a letter of HRT recommendation for you. Not that you do anything with it but to ask him if he would write you the letter. If some day you decide HRT is what you want and then find out he will not write the letter for you then that would have been time you could have with a gender therapist that is supportive and puts you as #1.

i think you need a therapist who will politely refuse to tell your mother anything about what you talk to them about. and then, if your mother feels like she still needs family therapy to deal with this all, find another therapist to see together. for family therapy.

take care of your father, if that's what you think is the right thing to do. present as a man in front of him, if you think that will ease his mind, and it's more important for you to ease his mind than go 100% full-time.

your mother's problems are hers. tell her to see a therapist if she has that much on her mind, maybe she needs it even more than you. but you two can't see the same therapist for anything other than family therapy. it just won't work.

also, a therapist for mental problems, is a person that you talk to about everything. not just what's going on in your own little world, but everything that goes on outside and how that affects you as well. you need someone who can listen to you complain about how unfair your mother is, or how you hate having to present male, or whatever you think is great or awful, without giving you any advice. without telling you what you should do. your therapist may offer options, but must always leave the choice to you. he may help you consider consequences or analyse your reasons, but he can't tell you what to do.

it's your life, and you won't be able to deal with any mental problems before you start making your own choices out of your own will and for your own reasons. is it right for you to become the man of the house? aren't you becoming a stunningly beautiful woman? there are consequences to all decisions. consider your options and their possible consequences, think hard about it, and make a decision that you think will make you feel better about yourself. a decision that you can stand for, one that is your own and not influenced by other people's opinions.

other people can't see more of the future than you can do, and no matter what you choose, the outcome is likely to be outside anyone's predictions. nobody in the entire world has experienced exactly the situation you're going through right now. your mother and therapist are unlikely to have experienced anything even remotely similar, so why let their fears and prejudice influence your choice?

i have a stepfather who is sick. there's always been something wrong with him for almost all the years that i've known him. he could die from a stroke any day, but he chooses to live his life to its fullest and refuses to get chained to a chair by inactivity. i'm afraid it will hurt him if i transition, and he is the only one who's been like a parent to me. but in the end, i'll just have to do what i have to do, and pray that he is strong enough to handle it. but i can't take responsibility for his reaction, because that's something which is created in his mind.

family members burden each other with their problems, if we manage to share, we all grow stronger. but if it's one-sided, and one demands accommodation without accommodating the other, the relationship or the people will start breaking. i can't take all of my parents' problems, and my own, and carry all that alone. even if that's what they seem to expect me to do. i will have to deal with my own problems in some way before i can carry the whole load of my family, or i'll break.

can you carry the weight of both your family and yourself, make their burdens lighter by breaking yourself?
what if you can't bear it, and end up in the tragic end of statistics, wouldn't this just add to your parents' burden?
your family only think they need you to be a man for them. what if you do them better as a woman, being the person you were born to be?
and how many possible outcomes did your therapist consider before telling you to man up? did he consider you breaking? did he consider your family's sorrow if they lose you completely by denying you the right to be yourself? did he consider you as a well functioning woman with a steady job and enough energy left to take care of your father? did he even ask you how that would feel for you? whether you'd survive it?

sorry for the long post, i'm just worried about you and your family.
from your posts, none of you seem to be doing good with things as they are. something will have to change, and if you are the only one who are capable of changing, then the burden must be really heavy on you. but i think you also realize that a change is needed, and i hope you will make the choice that is right for you, and not what the people around you believe is the only obvious choice.

Quote from: Jess42 on August 16, 2014, 11:03:13 AM
OK. You may shine on the outside according to your therapist. Believe me, I ain't missing anything. But let me tell you this hon, the outside and shining doesn't matter in the least little bit if you don't have that shine on the inside. God wasn't this in a Stephen King movie. What I am telling you is first and foremost to be true to yourself no matter what and then you can shine for other people.

I really hate to say this and I am in kind of the same ship right now, the HSS Titanic, but when we our bodies cease to breathe, all of our questions will be answered. In other words, when you dad I gone he is gonna' recognize your Soul not by whatever name they decided to call you when you cam out with the wrong parts to yourself. And mine ain't far from and when he goes he is gone he is going to know he didn't have a physical son. But this ain't the spiritual section so.... :-X

Yeah your therapist is showing concern for your family but definitely a lack of concern for you and your problems. That tells me a lot about him and his Psychology degree. He does sound a little like  a duck. ;)

Gina, first and foremost be true to yourself or you'll never be able to be true to anyone else. You have your own life hon, and if you choose to take care of your family that is an extremely honorable thing. But still first and foremost be true to yourself or it will all be a lie and farce to you. Does this make sense to you? If you live a lie to yourself it is gonna' go downhill for you. Everyone else may be happy and I really hope to Hades that your therapist won't be happy.

OK so I am selfish in saying this. But Gina, hon, be who you are and everyone else is on their own with how they accept you. You can lie to other people, but you are never ever gonna' be able to lie to yourself.

By the way sis, you can shine just as bright as a woman as you can a man. :)

Thanks as always for your concern Jess, but I think you might have misunderstood me when I said about shining. He was only referring to how I can shine if I am able to do the right things now with my family, and that is by looking after the important things, but he agrees with me that I shouldn't sacrifice the important things that are important to me like transitioning and becoming the best woman that I can be.  :) It's just that there is so much on my mom's mind that she would rather concentrate on my dad than on me. Once she's gotten my dad's problem squared away, then maybe she might pay me some attention {not that I need it, because I am a very independent woman} but you know any help would always be a blessing.

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on August 16, 2014, 09:48:46 PM
Gina, I know you are having a difficult time, hugs.

I hope you Father is doing better.

As I read about your therapist, instead of either your family's well being or yours. It should be your family's well being and your well being. I really do not think he has your well being as number one for you. He is putting your mothers wishes ahead of your needs. 

I hope you find a good gender therapist and if not I hope you set your therapist straight in a letter explaining his hurtful and disrespectful comments are not tolerated and he needs to stop immediately.

I would be interested to know if your therapist would write a letter of HRT recommendation for you. Not that you do anything with it but to ask him if he would write you the letter. If some day you decide HRT is what you want and then find out he will not write the letter for you then that would have been time you could have with a gender therapist that is supportive and puts you as #1.

Thanks for the hug Cynthia. Here's a *HUG* right back to you. My father's mind comes and goes with dementia, and it's sad. He's like Ronald Regan before he passed on. I understand your concern for my well being and I do agree with you but when my mom talks with my therapist and gives him her weepy eye story about her life, he's gonna be compassionate towards her. But as I said before, once she's gotten everything straightened out with my dad, hopefully I should be able to put everything back in order.

Quote from: Taka on August 18, 2014, 06:24:07 AM
I think you need a therapist who will politely refuse to tell your mother anything about what you talk to them about. and then, if your mother feels like she still needs family therapy to deal with this all, find another therapist to see together. for family therapy.

Thanks Taka for that excellent idea. My mom has been seeing a therapist, but I don't think that she talks about the right things to her. Maybe I might have to intercede and do what she does, and go to one of her sessions.

take care of your father, if that's what you think is the right thing to do. present as a man in front of him, if you think that will ease his mind, and it's more important for you to ease his mind than go 100% full-time.
My father saw me once as a woman, and it didn't freak him out too much, but my mom thinks it would put him over the edge if he saw me day in and day out like that. So just to respect him I've remained as a male. I've been looking for a place for my own, which after that I plan on going full time 100%, as I had before. It's only been a few months that I've had to be like this.

your mother's problems are hers. tell her to see a therapist if she has that much on her mind, maybe she needs it even more than you. but you two can't see the same therapist for anything other than family therapy. it just won't work. That's another excellent idea. Maybe if she isn't happy seeing her own therapist, maybe she could see mine as long as they don't talk about what I've discussed.

also, a therapist for mental problems, is a person that you talk to about everything. not just what's going on in your own little world, but everything that goes on outside and how that affects you as well. you need someone who can listen to you complain about how unfair your mother is, or how you hate having to present male, or whatever you think is great or awful, without giving you any advice. without telling you what you should do. your therapist may offer options, but must always leave the choice to you. he may help you consider consequences or analyze your reasons, but he can't tell you what to do. That's actually what I like about my therapist. I've seen a lot of therapists before, and they've always brought up that nasty little word "CONSEQUENCES" and it really urkes the hell out of me. But my present therapist has never mentioned that word to me and he at least listens and he makes suggestions to try to make my life better for me. Like I've said before, my mom thinks I only go there and talk about my transsexual problems. She doesn't realize that I spend a lot of time talking about her and the things that bother me as well.  :P

it's your life, and you won't be able to deal with any mental problems before you start making your own choices out of your own will and for your own reasons. is it right for you to become the man of the house? aren't you becoming a stunningly beautiful woman? there are consequences to all decisions. consider your options and their possible consequences, think hard about it, and make a decision that you think will make you feel better about yourself. a decision that you can stand for, one that is your own and not influenced by other people's opinions.

other people can't see more of the future than you can do, and no matter what you choose, the outcome is likely to be outside anyone's predictions. nobody in the entire world has experienced exactly the situation you're going through right now. your mother and therapist are unlikely to have experienced anything even remotely similar, so why let their fears and prejudice influence your choice?

i have a stepfather who is sick. there's always been something wrong with him for almost all the years that i've known him. he could die from a stroke any day, but he chooses to live his life to its fullest and refuses to get chained to a chair by inactivity. i'm afraid it will hurt him if i transition, and he is the only one who's been like a parent to me. but in the end, i'll just have to do what i have to do, and pray that he is strong enough to handle it. but i can't take responsibility for his reaction, because that's something which is created in his mind.

family members burden each other with their problems, if we manage to share, we all grow stronger. but if it's one-sided, and one demands accommodation without accommodating the other, the relationship or the people will start breaking. i can't take all of my parents' problems, and my own, and carry all that alone. even if that's what they seem to expect me to do. i will have to deal with my own problems in some way before i can carry the whole load of my family, or i'll break.

can you carry the weight of both your family and yourself, make their burdens lighter by breaking yourself?
what if you can't bear it, and end up in the tragic end of statistics, wouldn't this just add to your parents' burden?
your family only think they need you to be a man for them. what if you do them better as a woman, being the person you were born to be?
and how many possible outcomes did your therapist consider before telling you to man up? did he consider you breaking? did he consider your family's sorrow if they lose you completely by denying you the right to be yourself? did he consider you as a well functioning woman with a steady job and enough energy left to take care of your father? did he even ask you how that would feel for you? whether you'd survive it?

sorry for the long post, i'm just worried about you and your family.
from your posts, none of you seem to be doing good with things as they are. something will have to change, and if you are the only one who are capable of changing, then the burden must be really heavy on you. but i think you also realize that a change is needed, and i hope you will make the choice that is right for you, and not what the people around you believe is the only obvious choice.

Quote from: Gina Taylor on August 18, 2014, 11:46:52 AM
Thanks as always for your concern Jess, but I think you might have misunderstood me when I said about shining. He was only referring to how I can shine if I am able to do the right things now with my family, and that is by looking after the important things, but he agrees with me that I shouldn't sacrifice the important things that are important to me like transitioning and becoming the best woman that I can be.  :) It's just that there is so much on my mom's mind that she would rather concentrate on my dad than on me. Once she's gotten my dad's problem squared away, then maybe she might pay me some attention {not that I need it, because I am a very independent woman} but you know any help would always be a blessing

OK, I think I got you now. I just really hope the best for you and to be happy and confident. But I am really one to talk though. But yeah Dementia is not a good thing watching a parent go through. I really wish you nothing but good luck hon. It isn't going to be easy for you or your mom for sure.

Don't forget strong as well as independent. ;)

Quote from: Gina Taylor on August 16, 2014, 04:30:05 AM
I spoke with my therapist yesterday about what he meant, and he told me that if my dad where to pass on, he'd be passing the torch onto me and I'd have to be the man of the house, even though I am a woman.

:eusa_doh: :eusa_doh: :eusa_doh: :eusa_doh: :eusa_doh: :eusa_doh: :eusa_doh: :eusa_doh: :eusa_doh: :eusa_doh:

Your Therapist doesn't even see you as a woman Gina! Please wake up!! You would have to be the "man" of the house? No Therapist in their right mind with your well being in mind would have said this. I have no idea why you stand by this person and defend him. The fact you are over 18 and he is sharing information of your sessions with your family is yet another issue. It is a blatant violation of HEPA laws and unethical. I will refrain from posting in this topic again as I am getting a little frustrated in you allowing yourself to be so used thus locking you into this circle of despair. I wish you the best and hope one day you have the fortitude to say enough! I matter and deserve happiness and quality care.  :(

i think i understand a little better now, gina. if your therapist is good and you trust him, keep using him. it's your own choice whom you want to talk to about all your problems. but do consider finding a gender therapist as well, as soon as you can afford that, since it doesn't seem like your therapist really understands trans* issues.

i'm still wondering though, whether you dress up like a man in front of your father out of respect for him, or so you won't upset your mother even more. if your father didn't even yell insults at you, i don't really understand how you can show more or less respect by how you dress. or rather, i'd have thought that you'd be showing him more respect by giving him your true self to relate to instead of just faking it.

I don't know if I can add anything to this thread at this point.  I think a lot of people here have said some very sensible things.

But I will say that it's my position that no cisgender person ever has a right to demand or even ask a transperson to delay their transition when they know they need to go ahead with it.  No cisgender person is in a position to judge what transitioning means to a transperson.  Cispeople have no idea what it is to be trans.  They have no right to judge us.  They have no idea how deep in us the need to transition is.

Some people call us "selfish".  Basically they're saying that their needs outweigh ours.  But as I've said, they cannot measure our needs.  Therefore, they cannot say that their needs outweigh ours.

Quote from: Taka on August 19, 2014, 01:47:24 AM
i think i understand a little better now, gina. if your therapist is good and you trust him, keep using him. it's your own choice whom you want to talk to about all your problems. but do consider finding a gender therapist as well, as soon as you can afford that, since it doesn't seem like your therapist really understands trans* issues.

Thanks for understanding my situation. I do feel comfortable speaking with my therapist about everything and most times it does concern my transsexual problems. I guess there is some difference between a mental health therapist and a gender therapist, and if I ever see one I'll understand the difference between the two.

I'm still wondering though, whether you dress up like a man in front of your father out of respect for him, or so you won't upset your mother even more. if your father didn't even yell insults at you, I don't really understand how you can show more or less respect by how you dress. or rather, I'd have thought that you'd be showing him more respect by giving him your true self to relate to instead of just faking it.

Because of the dementia problems that my father is going through, right now I am only dressing as a man out of respect for him, other than that I dress as a woman else where.  My mother cannot control me forever! The respect is actually shown by causing less confusion to my father. He's already messed up , and I don't need to be adding any more to his confusion. Like one day seeing him as his son and then seeing him as his daughter. It's either one or the other, and unfortunately my mother isn't quite ready to give up on her son and accept me as her daughter. I once read that when we transition it's like we're dying.

i can't really understand those who feel like their child is dying. i believe it's more like all their aspirations on their child's behalf are dying.
but the feeling of something dying might be the same anyway.
i'll never know, because i'm perfectly fine with my daughter being half boy as well. it's still the same child, equally adorable to me.

i'm glad to know that you've thought through your decisions to this extent. i was a little worried you might be doing things for the wrong reasons, but those you give me now seem sound to me. go on doing what you think is best, whatever the result may be, at least you know that you did what you wanted to do, and for reasons that are good to you. i might very well have made the same kind of decision.

Quote from: Gina Taylor on September 02, 2014, 11:45:55 AM

I once read that when we transition it's like we're dying.

Does this sound like emotional blackmail?

Quote from: Foxglove on September 02, 2014, 12:51:43 PM
Does this sound like emotional blackmail?

Not really. The old us does die and like the mythical phoenix we are reborn out of the ashes to who we should have been.

I would like to know where you read that Gina. But Hon, don't worry about it. But with any change we make it is like our old self is dying to be reborn as someone else. Does that make sense? It's not like real death but a psychological death or a metaphorical death. That is what it sounds like the author might have meant to me just from what you wrote. ???

It is respectful what you are doing for your father. Dementia sux, I know. My dad too. But your mother has no control over you. You are in charge of your own destiny and if she gets to the point of being ridiculous about it, you have family here. And we are here for you no matter what, even if you want to wear a pink dress and sport a ZZ Top beard. ;) Which I think would be cool as all get out but I hate facial hair. :( I hate the smell, the way it tickles my nose and messes up my makeup. Plus I got a girly chin and definitely don't want to hide that.

Quote from: Jess42 on September 02, 2014, 02:04:31 PM
Not really. The old us does die and like the mythical phoenix we are reborn out of the ashes to who we should have been.

I would like to know where you read that Gina. I found it in Matt Kailey's book "Just Add Hormones" on page 105 where it said: One of the things that transpeople often fail to realize and fail to deal with is that  a transition, for many of those on the outside looking in, is almost like a death. A loved one is dying and friends and family members are helpless to do anything but stand by and watch. Those closest to us sometimes actually go through the five stages: DENIAL, ANGER, BARGAINING, DEPRESSION and ACCEPTANCE. I really liked your thoughts on the matter as well. I really appreciate your acceptance of my thoughts and decisions. I'm just trying to do what is best for me and for my life as a woman  :) 

But Hon, don't worry about it. But with any change we make it is like our old self is dying to be reborn as someone else. Does that make sense? It's not like real death but a psychological death or a metaphorical death. That is what it sounds like the author might have meant to me just from what you wrote. ???

It is respectful what you are doing for your father. Dementia sux, I know. My dad too. But your mother has no control over you. You are in charge of your own destiny and if she gets to the point of being ridiculous about it, you have family here. And we are here for you no matter what, even if you want to wear a pink dress and sport a ZZ Top beard. ;) Which I think would be cool as all get out but I hate facial hair. :( I hate the smell, the way it tickles my nose and messes up my makeup. Plus I got a girly chin and definitely don't want to hide that.

OK, that makes a lot more sense with the whole excerpt.

You just have to do what you feel is best. I mean we really all do. If you feel it's best presenting as male for your dad to keep him from getting confused then by all means. The clothes don't make the woman or the man. That is pretty much on the inside. Like I said I know what you are  going through with the dementia deal and I may end up having to be a caretaker before too much longer myself. But I'm not right anyway and if I did act normal I think it would mess my father up even more. ;)

still, presenting male and answering to your male name, doesn't hinder you from being as loving and caring as any daughter.
you can still be you even if your presentation is a little bit off.
that's what i do in order to get by while i still can't figure out how to transition in an affordable way.