Susan's Place Transgender Resources

This is a stupid post. I don't want fake assurance.

Maybe I moved to fulltime too fast. I'm tired of being stared at every time I use the men's room (stupid exaggeration there).

Ok, and since I'm being stupid and whiny... I hate that I need a packer. I just want to go in and pee and it turns into a f*ing ordeal.

And I hate summer. I either wear less clothes and I'm comfortable but my stupid body gives me away or I am way too hot and wear enough clothes that you can't see my female shape.

And I want to get rid of these horrible growths on my chest. I've hated them forever. But how the h#$% am I going to make that work. I've got no one to take care of me right after. I have no one who can manage my dogs. And even if I figure out all that, can my body even handle it? I already have a chronic pain condition that affects my muscles. How much pain will I have from surgery. Since I'm having a stupid, idiotic flare right now part of my brain says no way can I put myself through that but I seriously can't face another year of these things.

I really try to be positive and hate that I am being such a freaking whiner. This is the real, ugly me I always try to hide.

I so understand all of that.



HUGS

I'm not going to lie to you, it's going to be a hard journey and transitioning is where generally the strong survive. As for going into the men's room, people really just do their business and leave; you can use bathroom stalls to pee or hold it until you get home. As for binding and getting top surgery, the risks of your chronic pain condition is something you'll have to consult with your doctor.

In passing, mind showing us a picture of what you look like?
You did say people stare at you when using the men's room and we can help you pass better.

thank you mrs izzy. I feel dumb for making this post. It really does seem whiny.

Neospector- thanks for your reply. I know people are just doing there business when they go to the bathroom but I am getting looks. not every time (it just feels that way) but often. Of course because of my road/camping trip and because of my job and my stupid small bladder I've been using the public bathroom a lot. At work and on my trip, holding until I get home is not an option.

Today I was coming out of the men's and a guy was walking in. He said "did I get the wrong bathroom?" I really think he was being sincere. I think he might have seen me talking with his group and pegged me as female.

Most of the time, in photos, I pass pretty well as male. I've post my picture in the "Do I Pass" thread and generally people say I do pass. It's in real life I don't pass as well. I know my voice gives me away. My figure does too. I have a female shape, hips/butt/waste so unless I'm hiding in baggy clothing that tends to give me away. And I'm not very hairy, which I also affects how I'm read.

Actually though, here is a fairly recent picture where I don't think I pass that well

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/t31.0-8/s960x960/10494516_702545326447196_2951553325472487699_o.jpg)

Basically though, I'm just whining

There are places that will board dogs while people are away. Look for one close to you but they aren't cheap.

its a tough journey and not cheap unfortunately :/, I want my top area removed too, but sadly cannot afford it anytime soon. Just have to keep your head up and keep going. The bathroom I usually just go in a stall, do my thing and that's it. The guys never even give it a second thought. Its hot so wear tank tops and shorts, do whatever makes you comfortable.

So am I the only one who gets stares going in or put of the bathroom?  Because I'm sort of feeling worse now. I mean that's exactly what o do, go in and do my business and come out but I am getting looks and the occasional comment.

And my neck is officially sprained again and that kind of hurts and I know the pain is just magnifying my frustration. And it sucks because I've been working out and now I can't do my upper body work out.

Alexthecat. Thanks for the suggestion. My dogs are very special needs and can't be boarded. I don't regret adopting my "unadoptable"pals but sometimes it complicates things

I really feel like I shouldn't have posted. I'm really not trying to be ungrateful or unreceptive to advice but I think that's how I'm coming off. And I probably seem totally self pitying. Sorry. 

There are plenty of cis men with a 'female' shape (ie hips and moobs).  Exude confidence just as if you were cis and someone misgenders you.  And yes, I met a cis guy recently with this fake-sounding falsetto voice that actually WAS his real voice (not kidding).

Transition sucks, no doubt about it.  You will get through it and come out stronger on the other side.  Top surgery pain isn't too horrible.  Don't know how it will be with your other condition (not a doctor) but that is something to talk to your surgeon about.

Good luck.

Just want to say I identify with this so much. I don't get stares in the restroom (that I've noticed) but I also tend to avoid it when it's busy. I feel like I don't pass at all ever and I don't know what to do.

Wish I could help, and I hope for both of our sake's that it does get better. I'm afraid I'm in this boat because I'm older than most guys on here that pass well really early. And I'm not even that old.

I hear you totally on the restroom thing. Going to the restroom in public still makes me nervous, even when I feel confidant about myself and how I'm looking, not least because I use a Service Dog for something unrelated, so it's an absolute *guarantee* that I am going to at least get looked at by every dude in the bathroom, but I've also tried going in the womens rooms, and the glares there are ten times worse. Like, seriously. Honestly, I just turn the tables and if someone is looking too long I come out with a "WHAT?" And then feel like a jerk, because they just want to ask about the dog, and I'm like, "dude, I'm trying to wash my hands/wait for the stall/take a piss, shove off"

Most guys will get the hint, but you have to find it in yourself to be slightly more confident, even if you don't think x,y or z is going for you. I still choose really private restrooms when I can (banks are usually GREAT for that) and as far as my SD, I suck it up, because that's life with an SD.

As far as your looks, honestly, 100% being blunt here, your cheekbones/cheek are a little "off" for some reason to me, I can't say why, maybe too rounded still, just that they look slightly feminine, and your expression in that picture (and the few others that I've seen) is typically a "softer" more feminine look. I have "resting bitch face" lol, so I come off as a complete a*shole without meaning to, so work on your passive face. Pull your brows down slightly, and don't quirk your mouth like that in photos because it accentuates the roundness your cheeks have going on.

I don't remember a full body picture of you, so I'm going off of the one in the thread, but see if you can push your shoulders out and down. From memory you seem to keep them somewhat drawn up, which is a totally understandable habit that I think most of us have developed, myself included, but down/out/back gives a more masculine look.

Until I lost the weight in my hips, I did not wear shorts, no matter how hot it was, because they give you hips. I just found some really lightweight jeans and a couple pairs of cargo shorts with the pockets well below my knee and those helped disguise the hip area. Black sucks, but it's definitely slimming and hides the stupid things on your chest, as well as getting a binder designed for hotter weather. I ordered one from Lesloveboat that's helped a TON, so that I'm not constantly layered up.

Plaid does work for me, as long as I stay out of certain areas of Atlanta lol, and even then I still pass sometimes, especially if I'm with very femme girls or my younger cousins/nephews. Vocal practice can help with your voice if you're willing to put the time into doing that, and I did the first few months I was on T. I got together a bunch of "old" gospel and motown where the singers have deep voices and practiced singing in that range, as deep as I could push my voice without it hurting, and it helped me lower it enough to get into the "andro" range, where I wasn't immediately pegged as female as long as I kept from my original pattern and cadence of speech, which is another huge area that will give you away.

That's actually still my biggest hurdle. I speak like a girl, even though I sound like a guy now. Complete with the inflections in the wrong places, the uplift at the end of sentences, ect. It's hard to break out of those habits, but they're the small subtle ones that get you read incorrectly. I see a LOT of videos of guys 5, 6, 7 or even longer on T that still have a feminine pattern and cadence and only practice and CONSCIOUS thinking about it will break. I still slip, but I'm lucky enough that when I do it gets passed over as me being weird because my voice is now decidedly within normal male range.

As for acne, omg man, do I feel you on that one. I keep waiting for it to clear up and go away, but it's been forever and the only thing helping is actual acne face washes, the strips you can buy at wal mart to help clear pores/tighten them up, and washing my face twice a day plus putting a little bit of lotion on there to keep everything from drying out. That and keeping my oily hands off my stupid face, which is hard because I just want to pick at it. :p

I shave my face, not regularly, but often because like you said, staying clean shaved DOES help keep acne down. It sucks because I feel like I worked HARD TO GROW THOSE dammit, but yeah, clear skin is somewhat more important to me lol. I'm not as old as some guys on here, but I'm old enough that I shouldn't be having acne breakouts and looking like a teenager (plus my mustache is a dirt 'stache really, and I don't need that in my professional life haha)


As far as your pups go, it can take some doing, but there ARE places out there that take in special needs dogs, no matter what their special need is. I know of one in home place here in Atlanta that specializes in dogs that need daily injections, seniors and blind dogs, and then another that specializes in dogs that don't do well around any other dogs ever. So definitely start asking around. Look up trainers on the APDT website, find a CPDT-KA in your area and start calling them and seeing if they know of a boarding facility that can manage your pups for the time you'll be gone having surgery.

Hang in there man!

Quote from: christopher on August 07, 2014, 11:45:23 PM
Most of the time, in photos, I pass pretty well as male. I've post my picture in the "Do I Pass" thread and generally people say I do pass. It's in real life I don't pass as well. I know my voice gives me away. My figure does too. I have a female shape, hips/butt/waste so unless I'm hiding in baggy clothing that tends to give me away. And I'm not very hairy, which I also affects how I'm read.

Actually though, here is a fairly recent picture where I don't think I pass that well
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/t31.0-8/s960x960/10494516_702545326447196_2951553325472487699_o.jpg)

Basically though, I'm just whining

You very much pass to me in that picture, I wouldn't question you if I saw you in the men's room to be honest. I'm a bit too scared myself of going in the men's as I have never done it before, so props to you for having that courage. :) Maybe one small piece of advice is that even though you may get stares/looks in the men's room, maybe just avoiding eye contact altogether would help you a little bit in there. I think guys *typically* don't make eye contact, they just go in, do their business, and get out. Try to focus on getting into a free stall, washing your hands, and getting out without making much eye contact. I don't reckon it could be too hard.. also, confidence is key. If you keep a confident, strong presence there shouldn't be anyone giving you stares, and I found that (personally) when I was confident in public, I passed much more. Either way, I think that guys shouldn't give a crap (literally xD) about other guys in their bathroom, even if they don't appear like the most *masculine* guy ever (and us FTMs can't really do much to help that, only time and T will be able to change that for the most part).

Quote from: christopher on August 08, 2014, 02:54:25 PM

And my neck is officially sprained again and that kind of hurts and I know the pain is just magnifying my frustration. And it sucks because I've been working out and now I can't do my upper body work out.

I totally know that feel.. it sucks. I've had to take longer breaks in between workout days cause I was *that* sore. It's usually after my core workout day where I'm feeling sore as heck. Leg/Lower body day not so much because I've got naturally strong legs from running + playing soccer. Upper body.. ugh.. I've got noodles for arms, lmao. But uh, good on you for making an effort to workout, it takes a lot of willpower to stay committed and care about consistency. :) Rest well, buddy and it'll heal up soon enough.

Quote from: christopher on August 08, 2014, 02:54:25 PM

I really feel like I shouldn't have posted. I'm really not trying to be ungrateful or unreceptive to advice but I think that's how I'm coming off. And I probably seem totally self pitying. Sorry.

We've all gotta vent at one point or another, and that is totally okay! We all understand. Hugs and good luck sending your way! ^_^

Looking at pictures is definitely kind of hard to tell. It's funny but something magic must have happened for me between June and now as I am almost passing 100%. It doesn't seem to me that I look different either. So who knows what it is people are reading. I'd say hang on as you are coming along pretty nicely. I think there are hard times we all go thru, and some guys more so than others it seems.

--Jay

christopher

You can rant any time you need to.

Your experiences, feelings, and concerns are valid.

Your post doesn't strike me as whiny or stupid, but even if you find it to be both of those things, no one here will fault you for being in a whiny or stupid mood.

I have no advice or reassurance for you, except the assurance that you are not alone, and that you are always free to be yourself here. Even when you are not happy with yourself or your situation.

Wow, thanks for all the replies. I usually try to reply to people individually but there's too much here. I really appreciate your advice, support and honesty. You all have given me things to think about.

My coworker says my my work shorts are "girl" shorts. They are actually men's but he says they look like women's. So, that may be part of the problem. Work won't pay for another pair of shorts but if this stupid weather keeps up I may go buy myself a pair. I am going to keep wearing shorts even though I know it totally decreases my passing factor. I am going through all this change so I can be myself. Not to mention it's been wicked hot and I rarely have air conditioning.

I do think I'm having a confidence issue. (duh!). I don't know why it's hit me so hard just lately but I can make a change. Even if I don't feel confident when I'm using the restroom I'm going to fake it until I make it. Heh.

I also am going to work a bit on how I talk. My voice is changing (and cracking a lot lately!) and a lot of times I do have a male register. I think I have some female voice habits that I wouldn't mind changing. I'm not going to put a huge effort in changing everything about how I talk because I want to be the authentic me.

On a happier note, my neck is somewhat better. I can turn my head to the left again and I'm not watching the clock to see when I can take more meds (mostly just advil, I don't like muscle relaxants or narcotic pain meds). So, that helps a lot too.

Confidence is a great help in passing anywhere on the street, at work, or in the restroom.  I think we spend to much time thinking people are looking at us wherever we are.  Confidence sure helps in restrooms, I have been using the men's for about a year and still think someone in looking and questioning me when I go into a strange restroom full of guys. One full of guys is probably the best time to be in there as everyone is just trying to get done and out of there.

Thanks for posting this. I haven't started passing yet. My head is in full transition but the body is lagging. These are good issues to think about. I have noticed that Target stores have single, 'family' restrooms along w/ the men's and women's, if that helps.

FriendsCallMeChris,  yes those 'family restrooms' are great, I am using those now that I am trying to get use to my new STP.

I know this will sound like fake assurance but it WILL get better on hormones. I had the same issue with pants, men's pants always looked like women's pants because I had a big butt and hips. Now, it's like someone slipped jeans on a 2x4 lol. And with the passage of time, people stop staring and they stop asking questions, you'll almost certainly be seen as male without question. I know that's a hard thing to hear because you just want to be seen as the person you are NOW, you know? And I feel that so much. But the time goes by fast, you'll be looking back one day thinking "I have been on T for over 2 years? Wtf?"