Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Greetings dear blessings of the trans community

I am curious, for the good of the forum, about triggers.  Not the ones one of my mtf friends have on the farm ;) but the ones in social circumstances or forum chats.

I am filled with them.  Some are rather nice, some are not so healthy.  But they all provoke some kind of reaction.

I wonder how it is for all of us.

I trigger off of billboards with swimsuits (big time), cis women and their freedom, a male looking at me the wrong way, meaning with disdain, you name it, it causes some kind of interesting reaction.  And I trigger my own family too, with my own ideosyncracies, and they trigger me.  So we find the things that trigger joy.  Fabulous...

There are things I avoid on the forum, like in the mtf section, because I am afraid of them.  Loss of control really, or triggering fear, which is the biggest concern.  My wife can do that in a heartbeat, trigger self centered fear in me,  but its not her fault, and I'll bet I installed that one in the first place... hmmmm.  And we talk those out, and share our dreams and our hopes and needs, transparently.   And if someone elses marriage is burnt by hitting the wall in the forum, I won't go near the thread, unless there is a real way I can help - the idea of mutual syncing up of comfort zones being the message that was given to me that has worked marvelously.  Selfish?  Maybe.  Or maybe being smart enough to know when I need to withdraw.

But I was wondering what you might think of all this.  Not my stuff.  Your stuff.   I am wondering if it is worthy of thoughts on our special place here.  A place I wish to be filled with the fragrance of flowers and passion and joy.  If we can turn it to the good and positive.

Biggest trigger?  .... a lingerie store.....  oh oh

Nails out, heart open, eyes wide in astonishment.

You are blessed, for you are blessings

Love to all here

   SJ my dear dear friend,Triggers what a thought provoking topic.My life is a minefield of them they are everywhere even in my dreams.Some I have been able to deal with, most are tucked away in the cellar of my mind only to reappear and raise havoc again and again.
  One in particular is a Neil Diamond song the Pilots had playing when I was medivaced back to base 3 notes and I am crying.It reminds me of a place far far  away a long time ago and suddenly its happening again.Many are like that. I broke down down at my therapists office last Thursday she has seen me come close, but never was I not able to regain my composure this time I cracked and the tears flowed.
  Life is full of memories some become good triggers some become bad ones I learned to stay away if possible from the things that were most likely to trigger me in a bad way.It is not fool proof but it does help.The funny part is I use to look at the same things you do with women's things and wish, I don't do that any more because I have joined them and it is wonderful to be who I am now.
  Triggers will always be there with you I don't believe they ever go away ,I believe you can replace them with good thoughts about those you love and care for and times with friends and beautiful things done together.My objective is to build on good and bury the bad and it does seem to be working for me.
Find a beautiful place in your mind and talk to him I do and find my peace in his strength.  Patty

SJ I wish there was something I could do for you. You are so torn up that I cry every time I see how bad you have it. I hope one day you can finally accept yourself, make a change and live the rest of your life without anguish. It IS possible! Not easy of course, but so possible.  :'(

Major life events like weddings, babies being born to people I know, etc are triggering for me.  A woman dressed nicely in the style I would like to wear can trigger if I think too much about it.  Fortunately, the area I live in isn't known for stylish dressing.  :)

Major life events trigger because they are experienced on the wrong side of the gender fence for me.  I grudgingly accept it for what it is.

Coveting what you can't have isn't constructive, appreciate what you do have and remember there are many in a worse situation.

Satinjoy, I really wish I could tell you what my triggers are, but I really don't know. Not too much triggers me and it seems to build over time and the BAM!!! Freakin' dysphoria sets in and lasts about a day or so and then subsides slowly over a day or two. Maybe too much TV? Maybe seeing too many cisgirls? Maybe Commercials with all the GG stuff? I just really don't know. All I know is I'm like Chicken Little and the sky falls and crushes me.

Throw me in any social situation I'm expected to wear a suit.  While many such situations are precisely the ones I'm supposed to be wearing a nice dress instead (wedding guest), even that wouldn't justifiably get me out of a suit for certain business situations (think job interview).  Suits are just way too binding/stuffy: they're usually closing in around the neck, wrist, and waist; the material isn't the most comfy; it's wrapping around everything except my hands and face.  This isn't to say dresses are the best, but I tend to gravitate towards ones with comfy material that breathes, ones cut to not "hold" as much air, ones that don't bind (they tend to be snug around the chest, but the extent is less with proper size selection and tends to be less problematic than the squishier neck/waist), and ones that leave a good deal more of skin free.

Naturally this means I duck lots of weddings and work jobs that don't require I wear a suit very often.  I can "deal with it" when needed, but the quality of my engagement with others is knocked down a couple pegs.

I have had and still do have many triggers.
Big and small, good and bad, societal and personal.
The good ones, I try to find the root and see if I can't make them better or last longer.
The bad ones, I talk them out, think them through, make a decision as to whether I can dispel them or make them ineffective in disrupting my life.
Therapy, many hours of it are based on this, techniques that do work for me become better and stronger all the time.
It takes a certain amount of facing them head on when it is feasible, other times hitting them sideways.
How this works, like so many things for all of us, is pretty much going to be different from person to person.
But as I do this an a consistent basis, I become more adapt at doing it and can almost categorize those ones that are mine.
I see no choice if they are to be beaten, rather than letting them control my life.
Experience has it's own rewards.
This seems to be even more important to me for the societal ones than my very own personal ones that I alone own.
They are the cruelest of them all, not only do I have to fix my personal version of them, I have to put up with all the variations that society manifests them.
The very worse version of these are the ones that cisciety imposes on me that I am somehow wrong, that there is a cure that I need.
*'Really? A cure you say? Can I get that OTC? What do you do for yourself and your bigotry? Is there an OTC product for that as well?'
My very own personal ones I decided to take head on in a way that I found actually works for me, but I don't know if it would be effective for many others.
I simply started out to write a short story for my therapist and it exploded into uncharted memories that had been locked up tight.
The result was a few hundred thousand words, that have been condensed down to eighty thousand something, once the editing and trimming took place.
An unexpected finding of truths I found under the rocks of a past that would have best been left alone if it wasn't for the increasingly disturbing nightmares that made no sense, as they seldom do, at least not in the way we think once awake and aware of our conscious thoughts.
That whole process over several months in finding ever more conflicting thinking was an ordeal in agony that I'm now used to enough to continue forward.

Although the ciscietal triggers that used to bother me are for the most part pretty ineffectual at their best, they do still exist and are annoying at the most.
I suppose I have discussed them enough that they are worn out from just that.

There are however the transcietal ones that still remain, but they aren't so much triggers as simply annoying as hell.
*If you're binary and can't wrap your head around the fact that non-binary is very real and apparent to most people,
stop right here and check your yourself out from the rest of the comment.
I don't want to be the one one responsible for a potential rant of epic proportions about your personal triggers when it comes to this.
And if you do,... I've heard it all before and dumping your triggers all over me won't solve a thing for you.

They used to trigger a response from me that wasn't the best in behavior, but I did eventually learn to get over them.
It took reasoning and realizations.
The reasoning was easy enough, I'm non-binary and it isn't possible to to make me believe it isn't true.
But the militancy of some was a lot harder to get over.
It is for a lot of people who are non-binary.
The insistence vs the questioning can be a little much.
This is a trigger that a lot of non-binaries have to put up with within transciety.
To have their struggles to come to terms with themselves devalued and told they are wrong, that there is only black or white and you are in denial, when getting out of denial is a problem to begin with for quite a few.
It isn't some abstract thinking, a wish to have things our own way, it is real and to have someone come along and tell you your dead wrong just sucks.

I guess I just see it as this,...
The struggles we all have as trans can be enormous, agonizing, horrendous in it's position within the larger framework of cisiety.
To know all your life that your body doesn't match your mind, even the sudden realization that you have been in denial of it is a staggering thing to deal with.

To have to struggle through the barriers and such that society has in place, despite the gains made in recent years especially, is tough enough.
Along comes the non-binaries and that does seem like it would be taking away from your struggles, implying they aren't what they are.
Just when you think you've come so far, along comes these forest creatures skipping through like life is just fine.
I get how it must feel, I have the very same reaction when I'm told I am wrong and that my gender is a figment of imagination, wishful thinking.
I guess I can understand the struggle to keep the fight for who you are centered and balanced, away from that edge that society generally forces you to.
It isn't that much different from my struggles not only with cisciety, but with transciety as well.

What do I know about it as an imaginary unicorn from the imaginary forest?
Those eighty some thousand words of events from my past have a person who was an essential part of me not losing it completely.
There is even an entire chapter about my girlfriend, my best friend, the love of my life,... who happened to be transsexual.
We were both very young, it was a long time ago and we talked a lot about ourselves.
Not the political things although there certainly were a lot to discuss.
We were in love and talked about ourselves and learned from each other.
Found out we had many more things in common than we had as differences.
Her freewheeling, free spirited approach to life allowed me to understand binary on her terms.
It allowed me to explore my non-binary feelings in the same way. On my terms.

Wanna question whether she was a real transsexual?
Wouldn't that just be another trigger for us both?

And that's my point, why is it necessary to turn it into something like a trigger when it shouldn't be?
I accept binary, don't really understand it, how could I, how could you really understand non-binary, so why not just accept it?
The idea that we could be taking something away from each other is childish and undeserving given the struggles we all have with cisciety.
So I don't let it trigger me, at least I do make a huge effort for it not to if it does.
I can work around it well enough for myself.
But it is a huge trigger for those who at this time, consider themselves to be non-binary...

That could change, we discover more about ourselves all the time and come to different conclusions based on our own personal thoughts and events in life.
We do this with most everything at one time or another.
This is no different.
Feel cheated because someone has the realization or even simply wishes to explore this idea of non-binary?
I don't blame you, I would too.
Except I have look at this as a way for people to grow by having as many options on the table as we can.
We are all looking for an easier path in life.
Why limit the options?
Why look at trans as black and white like the very cisciety who told you that gender is between your legs?
I prefer to see transciety as a lot of things, and binary is definitely one of them.
My girlfriend I spoke about wasn't the first or the last.
I don't place limiting values on people, especially on trans people, cisciety has done enough of that already.
Well maybe I do put some limiting values on some cis people, but they seem to be limiting themselves even more...

Yep, it's a trigger, one I see quite a few times even right here in the non-binary section, it happens.
Just thought you might want to know it does happen.
And if it is a trigger, consider how the source of it could be the very same thing that your reaction to it is that same source, the same thing.
Bigotry come in many disguises, having it as a trigger is a hard one to get over.
I think I park mine at the door, what little I really have when it all comes right down to it and I stop to think about it in a logical way.
But I do see it as a trigger too many times and I also see it going both ways.
I'm as guilty as anyone, if I let it bother me and nudge that kind of thing, but I'm defensive about my gender, just like most everyone is whether cis or trans.

Triggers suck when they hurt.
I don't want to hurt anyone, you don't either I assume.
If you do, I don't want you around me.
If I do that to you, I would expect the same.
And I don't fool myself in thinking I don't do that.
I don't think anyone wants to do that, fool themselves into some kind of thinking that is limiting to others and themselves...
Bigotry is a major trigger and most of them have some kind of element of it in them.

But also consider this,...
Cisciety is more accepting of the word transgender than it is transsexual, they have a hang-up about sexual.
Weird, but you know this is true. It's also so bad, some less than clear thinkers, have a hang-up about the very prefix, trans...
Trans-portation has got to get stuck in their mouths every so often... 'Ah, ahh, that cars and highway stuff, yah know what I mean?'
They are also more accepting of those who are perceived as the same yet different as opposed to just different.
'OMG, you're different! My bigotry cloud has just enveloped my thinking, I don't know how to deal with this crisis of humankind!'
Pretty odd way to move through our journeys of life...

But the biggest thing to consider of all, is that we all have more in common than we have as differences.
Ativan

Any time someone takes gender nonconformity as a perversion.  Them are fightin' words.

Ativan

Triggers are concepts that I normally decline to name, as in naming them triggers give them power and increase their threat. 

My triggers are usually relatively minor, they are situational and normally trigger regret.  But in general, I take the view that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and indeed where I have chosen to be.

However if forced to name a trigger I agree with you that it is the trans* binarists who perhaps unconsciously question, disbelieve or otherwise invalidate and disrespect the non binary experience which penetrates my shields and set my nerves afire.  Perhaps if my journey to self acceptance had not been so fraught, if I had not been my own worst obstacle then it would be less triggering. 

The trans* experience for me has involved a lifetime of discomfort; social, emotional and intellectual unease and challenge.  Always feeling like an outsider; never connected; as an actor, a fraud who is only ever a moment away from being called out and ridiculed.  Accepting that I was trans* took time.  Accepting that I am in another even smaller subset; a less accepted, less normative subset of a small subset of society was even harder.  However it is the questions, the assumptions etc by trans* binarists which take me to the edge.  At an intellectual level I know why their binarist paradigm is tightly held and that our existence raises uncomfortable possibilities; but at an emotional level, it feels like betrayal and an attack of the worst kind, from those who should be family.

In short the irony is that this binarist trigger should not exist in the trans* community, we who have suffered so much, and travelled so far,  should have far more in common to celebrate than we have in difference to question.

Safe travels

Aisla

Hah! I let one of my triggers get the best of me and a certain amount of sarcasm came out.
A trigger from the past...
I suppose the bold font wasn't a necessity, in looking back at it, it wasn't needed.
I think I'll go and at least change that.
I hope it didn't trigger anyone, but I suppose it has, I'm sorry if it did.
My ranting is certainly open for a civil discussion about these kinds of things.
Maybe best left in a new topic if it does become one.
And here I thought I could just let it go and not ramble on about it, but rambling is something I tend to do.
I do think I worded it carefully, the perspectives do flip within the rambling as it does quite often.
But the conclusion is the same, none the less.
We all have far more in common than we do have as differences.
The good side of the same trigger, even if it took the long way around to get to that conclusion.
Ativan

Triggers are something I've learned to recognize, I usually know enough to avoid those things that are triggering or change the tape that's running in my brain when that happens rather than letting my thoughts run with it. After seven years of intensive counseling and learning what tools I have at my disposal rather than being subjected to drug therapy, I have a good handle on it and that is the reason that I'm not in prison for putting some well deserving individuals six feet under.

Just regarding gender, for me I'd say:

- Seeing a girl I think is pretty
- Looking at women's bodies in general makes me envious
- Being referred to with my old name
- Being referred to with male pronouns
- My thoughts
- My voice
- My body, especially that damn bump in my neck
- Anything social

Valerie I could not have said it better I am right there with you on your list of things that drive me crazy

Quote from: Valleyrie on August 10, 2014, 11:44:32 AM
- Being referred to with my old name
- Being referred to with male pronouns

These are the two that annoy me the most. The good news is that it only happens with some male family members. So, as long as I avoid them, I'm fine. It's okay. They annoy the hell out of me anyway (independent of any gender stuff), so it's no big deal.

Quote from: Valleyrie on August 10, 2014, 11:44:32 AM
Just regarding gender, for me I'd say:

- Seeing a girl I think is pretty
- Looking at women's bodies in general makes me envious
- Being referred to with my old name
- Being referred to with male pronouns
- My thoughts
- My voice
- My body, especially that damn bump in my neck
- Anything social

Valleyrie,
        Most of this will pass and is based on envy which is not uncommon with trans people, you are ok hon and it will pass for the most part once your transition is complete. Some people's triggering is based on much deeper life experiences and stuff from the past that we live with until we die.

Nice to see some of my mtf friends in here.  Hi girls!

This is dark, but the one trigger for me is this - anything that disrespect any other trans* position or especially gender self identity is out of bounds.  We may not be able to see the other side of the equation, binary, nonbinary, mtf, ftm, andro, crossdress.  It doesn't matter a whit.  What matters is that we unconditionally love and support each other, including when we are blinded by our own mental filters and dysphoric needs, if we are blinded.  A lot of that can be life or death coping mechs in play.

Just love each other up.  It is our calling.

There are other triggers for me, but many are pleasant.  It is how I internalize a trigger that is most important, how I respond to it, how I will turn it to the light and to the positive, for the good of me, for the good of trans.

Blessings dear ones.

Love to all here.  Nails back out and joy of trans back in play.  Wooo hoooo

I should let this thread die out but I wanted some take-aways to give to everyone

Why do we have triggers?  We identified what our triggers are, but why are they there?

This is too big for my mind, but here are my suspicians, that may help

This is for me now, I don't know what may work for others

First there are dysphoric triggers.  I think those are best handled by reaffirming that I have a female body, a beautiful heart, and while my mind says I don't look like the girls on the street, reality is that I am getting darn close physically to it, hidden or not, so why be jeaolous?

Freedom is a choice

Now for the trans triggers-  whether someone invalidates my type of trans or not is irrelevant, as long as I know the truth, for they are powerless over my perception of who I am.

For other triggers- what is threatened.  Self esteem, ego, finances, security especially at home, wishing it was other than it is....  some of that.  Some is past hurts that fester and are recalled in a song or smell.  These I think have to blow through like a breeze and end somewhere.  Pass on through.  The others... like invalidation, should bounce off of reality.

Reality is we are beautiful.  We are as free as our minds permit or as far as we are willing to sacrifice for it.  If we choose not to progress in trans freedom, it is a choice we can rest it.

Fear is the number one driver of resentments and triggers.  It is corrosive.

Now, all  this stuff is based on a whole lot of AA culture.  But some rings true.

If it helps, keep it.  If it doesn't, move on, and be happy.  The only reason I launched this thread is to try to give more awareness of our personal triggers, how to avoid them, what to do to limit their sting.

If I may be so brazen as to do it.  As if I had a clue.... HAH.   It's just ideas from a novice trans with about a year and a half of therapy and hormones now.  A baby in the woods.  I don't even have a trans support group out of here, I was warned off from it because I'm GQ presenting.  Was told they'd eat me for breakfast.

Blessings.  Hope someone somewhere got something out of this stuff.

SJ

Why do we have triggers?  Because we are human.  We are a creature of our emotions and of our insecurity.  We construct a self image which protects our ego and shields us from self examination and perversely keeps us from self acceptance.  The triggers relate to our fears, our flaws, our history and perceived threats.

Triggers can be a good thing.  Recognising a trigger provides an opportunity to defuse this ordinance.  It provides the opportunity to not engage and risk destruction.  Most of all it provides an opportunity to ask why this trigger exists and whether it can be made safe.

Aisla

I have wartime PTSD triggers, some of which are useful tools now after years of counseling. My counselor once said that she'd rather be with someone like myself when a tiger entered the room rather than with anyone else, because the triggering would induce positive action when fight or flight kicks in, we might survive and typically I'd have my adrenaline overload and meltdown after it was over, that's how it works.

These kinds of triggers are the hardest of all to explain, the ones that involve PTSD.
I'm still dealing with them and it seems like I always will...
On some days they become an overload of being is several places at once.
They can be surreal, something that in real time is over and done; in memories they can be forever just as they seemed to be at the time.
The aftermath is sometimes worse than the events themselves, partial or complete, they persist.
Many are a mix, confusing in the way they present themselves.
I have routes that take me out of them, but some days they persist for far too long.
The worst part of them is that for others to understand, you really have had to have been there or somewhere that was the similar.
Even then, they are personal and can't be expected to be fully realized by even those who know.
Yet a simple look of recognition, a nod of knowing, the understanding is enough.
They are the cruelest tricks our minds can play on us. A devastating game of ignoring them or facing them.
The tactics are many, the way and order they are used depends on the way they manifest, by what the triggers are.
The triggers are rarely they same, but looking back when it is said and done, they are yet another lesson learned in ridding your mind of them.
I find myself lost in them at times, with no escape but to ride them out and hope for the best.
The same way I got through the original events, but without the actual physical elements there, despite the feeling they are regardless.
They can keep repeating themselves until you can find that one thing, that thing that breaks it this time around.
Hell is having to relive those moments time and again, finding those opposite triggers that set you free.
Whenever I hear or even use the phrase myself, 'It is going to be Hell to pay', this is what I think of...
Ativan

I'm triggered by different things, but they are all things pertaining to my mental illness.