Susan's Place Transgender Resources

In my own experience i have no memory of a desire to be a girl when i was a child, and even at puberty i think i was reasonably confident i was a boy.  Obviously i am a transwoman now and have little doubts about my womanhood, but i am curious, has anyone else had a similar experience, or did everyone suspect their assigned gender was off in their teens or earlier?  What are your thoughts people?

4 years old onward lived in torment in the wrong body

I always knew that I wasn't a boy, but I would have to say that I didn't really know that I was a woman till my  late teens.

Growing up, I had no opportunities to cross dress so it never really occurred to me. I did play with Barbies and had crushes on boys.It was a living hell not fitting in with either gender.

I remain blissfully ignorant about cars and sports and having sex with women.

I never exactly felt right being called handsome and all that. I didn't feel right being a 'boy'. I always felt like something was off but I could never put a word to it. I was pretty much oblivious to many things, was a follower and ignorant. I never felt comfortable or happy though and still don't about myself.

I had an idea something was wrong when I was about five and by six I was fully aware that I didn't want to be a boy. I crossdressed a couple of times when I was six and got caught by my parents doing so. The after effects of being caught left me sure in my mind that my parents weren't able to understand that their son wanted to be their daughter.

Puberty was even worse, and as my body was starting to change and develop, I started self harming those parts of my body I hated the most along with suicide ideation. When I was old enough to pass as over 18 I turned to drink in my later teen years in an attempt to drown it all out. I spent most of my teen years in a depressive state over my gender dysphoria.

Quote from: Leila on August 11, 2014, 02:08:18 AM
I had an idea something was wrong when I was about five and by six I was fully aware that I didn't want to be a boy. I crossdressed a couple of times when I was six and got caught by my parents doing so. The after effects of being caught left me sure in my mind that my parents weren't able to understand that their son wanted to be their daughter.

Puberty was even worse, and as my body was starting to change and develop, I started self harming those parts of my body I hated the most along with suicide ideation. When I was old enough to pass as over 18 I turned to drink in my later teen years in an attempt to drown it all out. I spent most of my teen years in a depressive state over my gender dysphoria.

ditto

My transgender feelings started slowly in puberty but it was nothing major. I was ok being a boy. I had some troubles because I couldn't understand some of male stuff like sports, fighting etc, but I didn't have any major problems because I always found a way out from it, I would say that I had very geeky and gender neutral life. But during following years after puberty I started to be jealous of girls and dislike my male features. I say it this way: I was maybe a boy but I never wanted to become a man. I wanted to be a female and even the thought about it made me always happy. I wasn't sure if I should transition because of the lack of strong dysphoria. But I know that I will never be comfortable in male body and I decided to start transition. I am not sure about my gender identity, and thus i consider myself as non-binary.

Like you, I was extremely uncomfortable at first when I discovered I was trans because my story didn't fit the "classic" trans narrative.  It didn't help that I had a number of people try to use that against me to convince me that I was not trans, and having an ego weakened by psych abuse and gender dysphoria made things very confusing and frustrating.

Here's what I've been able to sort out so far about my history and how it adds up:

I can't say I was "comfortable" per se as I was willing to settle for the path of least resistance.  I was such a push-over to what everyone expected of/projected onto me that I didn't really have any clear sense of gender except "well, I have a penis, guess I'm a guy."  I played imaginatively with anything I could get my hands on, though I tended to play with masculine toys (especially toy cars) because it was "safer" to like those things even though I secretly wanted dolls and played with my sister and her toys quite often.  Never really cross-dressed on any serious basis (except for a toy jewelry kit my sister had) though I did develop a fetish for lycra around age 12 because it made everything smooth and sensitive.  I enjoyed things like classic cars, baseball (but only live games), and shooting sports, so I didn't really question.

Truth be told though, I never actually felt male if I was honest with myself.  I just felt lost, and going with the flow was the easiest thing, though I find that between about age 11 and 16 the pressure to be a cis hetero male was so great that I was intensely phobic of doing, saying, wearing, or expressing anything vaguely effeminate because I'd been labeled "gay" by my classmates.  I started wearing muted colors so as not to attract attention to myself, and I started cutting my hair or wearing whatever I was nagged into wearing so that I would be left alone.  I just wanted to blend in and not be noticed, and I never knew why.  By age 19, I figured I was probably bi and by age 21 I was convinced I was gay, but I was extremely straight-acting.

By age 23, I'd forgotten how to let anything effeminate out at all, and I started drinking to disinhibit, so I could act in a feminine way.  I found without alcohol I just couldn't do it!  Finally breaking out of all that and being able to express myself was a difficult and frightening experience.  By this point I was also thinking I might be genderqueer and so disgusted with my body that I developed signs of an eating disorder.

During my childhood I hated being a boy and hated being lumped in with the other boys. As a teen/adolescent I think I just pushed that pain so far down I was aware of nothing because I felt so numb.

Since age 7 or so. I was then subject to very aggressive reparative therapy methods. These included hypnotism, beatings, staged fights with peers, forced contact sports and intense humiliation in front of the church. I assimilated, buried my feelings and became a robotic shell of a humanoid. As time went by  and I got stronger I started to rebel and then decided to transition after finding out it was possible. I was such a scary individual at first the Therapy team had security just outside the door for the first couple of weeks of sessions. My turn around after therapy and HRT was so profound they could not believe it. I am now welcomed with hugs and even brought them a cake last week with "thank you" on it.  :)

Jeeze, that sounds terrible Jessica. :( Congratulations on being strong enough to survive the pain.

Quote from: Ms Grace on August 11, 2014, 03:27:00 AM
Jeeze, that sounds terrible Jessica. :( Congratulations on being strong enough to survive the pain.

Don't congratulate me at all. I only survived because I found this site the night I was typing my suicide letter. I had LOST my strength. It was this site that gave it back as I was gone until then. I still don't know HOW this place popped up on screen. Divine intervention?? ???

Hugs. :)

My early childhood wasn't bad at all it was only when I got to the age of 12 things started to get really bad. I got bullied and badly beaten up at a very rough all boys secondary school because I was different and looked like a girl. I was called 'girl' and I used to go home with cuts to the head, bruises and a split lip. It was a horrendous time and I would get eight or nine bullies kicking and punching me at the same time. This went on throughout my schooling and the worst period in my whole life.

Then when I left school at 16 I got bullied at work in factory jobs or older creepy men would fancy me and look at me all the time. Every job I did I was bullied or picked on to a certain extent until eventually I went self employed.

I was and am a pretty strong people pleaser so I often did what I could to make others happy so I kept the desire to be female pretty well hidden since it seemed like it would only cause trouble for everyone. The feelings didn't really start until I was 13 or so. Like some of the other people here I didn't have extreme disphoria just that I wanted to be different. So I kept from doing anything feminine and was never into most masculine things anyway. I would occasionally cross dress if I felt I could get away with it. I only finally connected the dots that I was transgender late last year. Things have been going well so far thoug since starting my transition.

I knew something was utterly wrong when in first grade i was not allowed to play with the girls anymore but did not know how to play with boys. I played girls games by myself then or with my sister, but it was silly without peers. At age 7 i was sent into therapy because i was supposedly weak and not active enough. And refused to play with boys. I then withdrew to science and computers, secrety wishing i could go back in time and be a girl. Puberty was so horrible as my body changed in all the wrong ways, not giving me breasts and all the other changes of my body that I desired. I totally became a robot, thinking of my desire to be a girl as perverted until at age 22 i found out about transsexuality and had to use every chance to get my body changed

Quote from: Zoe the Obscure on August 11, 2014, 01:21:54 AM
In my own experience i have no memory of a desire to be a girl when i was a child, and even at puberty i think i was reasonably confident i was a boy.  Obviously i am a transwoman now and have little doubts about my womanhood, but i am curious, has anyone else had a similar experience, or did everyone suspect their assigned gender was off in their teens or earlier?  What are your thoughts people?

First time I remember wanting to be a girl was as a teenager, and even then it wasn't a big part of my thoughts. Throughout most of my life it was just one of many thoughts I had from time to time. I had no strong desire to transition until I started meeting trans people when I was 50.

Around the age of 4 was when I first started wishing I was a girl. But in the late 50's early 60's there was no option for that ever happening, or even the thought being entertained. I just did my best to do what was expected. As someone else very aptly put it, "The path of least resistance". Which pretty much summed up the 50 years that followed, aside from a few rebellious episodes.

Such a diversity of experiences.  Looking back i can see most of my problems stemming from my gender dysphoria.  I was an active child, and was relatively happy.  I loved sports, especially rugby i even played in regional teams on occasion because i was very good at it, i was even considered for the rugby academy at one point.  In the middle of puberty i began hating sports, largely because of the culture, i had no friends at school and eventually began hanging out with gangs.  I almost got killed on a couple of occasions, and left to live with punks and junkies (who were great people btw).  This drama continued in less dramatic forms well into my twenties.  The strange thing is, not once did i think to question my gender, it wasn't until my late twenties that i suspected i was never a man to begin with.  I find it interesting that some of us are so self intuitive at an early age, and yet others like me were not.  A shame really, i would have loved to have began transition after high school rather than now, in my early thirties.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on August 11, 2014, 03:17:58 AM
Since age 7 or so. I was then subject to very aggressive reparative therapy methods. These included hypnotism, beatings, staged fights with peers, forced contact sports and intense humiliation in front of the church.

Wow. That's messed up. I dealt with a lot of crap. But it wasn't on the level that you had to suffer through. Wow...I'm really sorry that you had to go through all that. That's terrible.

I dealt with a lot of stuff, myself. The usual being picked on by my peers at school and in the neighborhood, etc. My stupid dad trying to make me his little jock. But I was very stubborn and basically said: 'screw you', which didn't go over too well. Even though I did have a couple of friends, they both knew that there was something about me that wasn't quite 'right'. One friend actually found a purse that I had "borrowed" from my cousin and gave me hell about that. I just played it off and said: "Oh, she must have left it here the last time she spent the night." But I knew he could see through that flimsy crap.

Another claimed to have seen me wearing my mother's clothes one time when he was walking up through the front yard one day when he came over to hang out. I honestly don't remember this happening because I was usually pretty careful when it came to not being caught when dressed. Of course, putting the clothes back was another story since I would lose track of time and notice that: "Oh, crap! Dad's going to be home in five minutes!" and I would get things off and put back in a really sloppy manner. Then my mom would bust me on that.

But, by age 12, I just gave up and decided to be the "boy" that they wanted....but only to a point. I wasn't becoming dad's damn jock and I stood very firmly by the choices in music that I listened to since I felt that every other avenue of expression was being shot down and taken away from me. Then I became a very angry teenager. They thought it was because of the music that I was getting into. But that couldn't have been further from the truth.

I was happily cis until I was in my 30s. And then the revelation hit me like a truck, and I *had* to transition.

There aren't as many of us telling stories like this, and it had me convinced I was wrong/faking for a while, but considering I had GRS 2 years ago - I think I really am trans. :)

One of my best friends had no idea until she was mid thirties, none whatsoever. She's one year now and went full time 4 months into her transition.  There are other like you and her out there.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi688.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fvv246%2FKeairaElisabeth%2Fchildhood%2FChild_zpsfd4b08e8.jpg&hash=61c879b3d4de1d1bd39e37ad4a3c2e9099cf5ef3)

I dont remember much about my childhood. But there are pictures of me with a baby doll and me wearing a potty as a crown. ( I was little) I have no idea why I was wearing a crown. Then, after I came out to my Mum at age 19, she told me she knew I had been dressing as a woman since I was 11 years old. I do remember playing with girls as a child though.

Quote from: Jenna Marie on August 11, 2014, 06:53:28 PM
I was happily cis until I was in my 30s. And then the revelation hit me like a truck, and I *had* to transition.

There aren't as many of us telling stories like this, and it had me convinced I was wrong/faking for a while, but considering I had GRS 2 years ago - I think I really am trans. :)

You sound like me!  I am 22, and I just realized this year I am transgender.  Granted, I haven't been to a therapist yet (am planning to).

I never realized I was for so long.  I didn't really mind having a beard, and getting called by male terms didn't offend me.  However, after looking back, I never felt masculine at all and I related better with girls than boys - aside from the shyness, since I had social anxiety and was attracted to girls.

Now that I realize I am transgender, it all makes so much more sense.  On the downside, my dysphoria has really been increasing - I called myself a guy today in a casual conversation and felt a sharp jolt of discomfort on the inside.  Bleh.

Julie : Yeah, it gets a lot harder in some ways once you know what you want. But you sound like a determined woman, so you should be on your way shortly!

I wasn't exactly a typical guy either, but I had other friends in high school who were also geeky scrawny boys who hung out mostly with girls... none of 'em even turned out to be gay or trans that I know of. So I personally consider myself to have *been* a guy - once. I just got over it. :)

As a small child I vastly preferred the company of girls.  Most boys were mean and liked to use me as a punching bag.  Most of my friends were girls until I was 8 or so, when I was forced to socialize with more boys via scouting.  I loved the idea of hiking and camping, but we'll say I found myself at the bottom of that pecking order right away.  I had very few friends at the time, most of whom were also social outcasts and rejects. Sometimes the neighborhood boys would actually put up with me, the weird, smart, fat kid.  I wasn't invited to birthday parties and was frequently intentionally excluded from activities.  I basically got my ass kicked almost every day until I was in high school.  All this time I wished I could just trade places with any of the girls I knew.  I didn't fit in with them exactly either, but it was a much better fit than with the boys.  Playing dolls and hopscotch just never ended with the ridicule I'd get from trying to play baseball, basketball or football.

When I got to high school, I promised myself that I was not going to be victimized anymore.  Over the summer, I had grown to 5'10" and got my first "guy muscles".  I still had no real friends, and (of course) I encountered my first bully on the first period of the first day.  I don't know how I landed the first punch I threw, but I loosened his front teeth and was left alone for over a year.  I didn't really have any close friends at all until I was 15, when I discovered pot and booze.  Turned out I fit in pretty well with the stoner musician metalheads that cut classes.  I still wished I was one of the girls, but I learned to numb myself as part of my coping repertoire.  I also became a pretty good musician when I discovered that learning guitar could take my mind off of my gender issues for hours at a time.

I guess my parents put me into child therapy at aroudn the age of this photo
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FghJbQIp.jpg&hash=fce59f87fc7c71da40f047dc59b9227e157ceff9)
I guess I was too girlish for them by that time. Especially my dad who actually tried to force me into competition sports. Luckily they divorced and my mom was the artistic type who allowed me a lot more freedom.

At teenage times, the body changes were so severe that I totally bottled up though and was basically sort of a robot until I came out of it at age 22

Quote from: anjaq on August 13, 2014, 09:20:26 AM
I guess my parents put me into child therapy at aroudn the age of this photo
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FghJbQIp.jpg&hash=fce59f87fc7c71da40f047dc59b9227e157ceff9)
I guess I was too girlish for them by that time. Especially my dad who actually tried to force me into competition sports. Luckily they divorced and my mom was the artistic type who allowed me a lot more freedom.

At teenage times, the body changes were so severe that I totally bottled up though and was basically sort of a robot until I came out of it at age 22

I had to see a psychologist myself when I was a child. I have no idea why though or what they found out though.

She actually was questioned by my therapist when I did need the letters for name change and surgeries - but as I understand it, she could not remember me and they did not keep the files that long. I have few memories about playing with the toys in her office which may have been fun, but it was also strange. I was so introvert at some point, so I guess that was probably their diagnosis. Also my parents were divorcing, so they probably declared it is all caused by the divorce. Sigh - well, of course it would have been nice to be asked the right questions back then, but 1980ies - people did not really know about childhood gender/sex issues.

I remember telling my mum I was a girl age 3 or.  I was so proud of myself for working it out. She was angry tho and corrected me.  I was just an odd boy.  That's how I saw myself.  I started having dreams of being a girl when I was 8. I kept it all in. I still thought of myself just a crazy reject  type,all through school, and after, until I transition,when I realised I couldn't be a man anymore. I was already so feminine wearing women's clothes and make up as an odd boy.  I have never had make friends who were men men.  I have three  male friends and they are my longest standing friends.  One turned out to be a non transitioning trans girl (chances?) and the others are as far from Red blooded men as you could imagine, arty types.  It means I have never really spoken to men men, and now they are paying me attention and trying to talk to me, it's weird. My experience of men has been nothing like the sports bar men men,  and the guys I dated were gay . Now getting attention and conversation from men is something I have to get my head round. 

I think this was my princess crown, lol. I took my potty (clean of course) and wore it.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi688.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fvv246%2FKeairaElisabeth%2Fchildhood%2FChild_zpsfd4b08e8.jpg&hash=61c879b3d4de1d1bd39e37ad4a3c2e9099cf5ef3)

But, I seemed happy, for the most part....
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi688.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fvv246%2FKeairaElisabeth%2Fchildhood%2FP5170037_zps58568bb5.jpg&hash=e41e26534e81991900d18c4b2fbc928ffcc38301)

Well, after a few years....
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi688.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fvv246%2FKeairaElisabeth%2Fchildhood%2FP5170026_zps854b9c19.jpg&hash=64f28706395cdd04900c5eb7e134eb0eeaada683)

when I was a teenager....
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi688.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fvv246%2FKeairaElisabeth%2Fchildhood%2FP5170029_zpsd516f12d.jpg&hash=23aa029a71ee978842e7ec9c8363f0ccd4136922)

I have a picture of me with a doll too somewhere. I think my Mum has it in her collection of photos of me she is sending. I remember identifying with Ariel, the Little Mermaid when I first saw her and really wished I could be like her.http://images6.fanpop.com/image/photos/37200000/Ariel-The-Little-Mermaid-rkebfan4ever-37259156-620-940.jpg

And I didn't want to be a Ninja Turtle, I wanted to be Mona Lisa or April O'Niel (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.ytimg.com%2Fvi%2F-bmjPnohYSA%2Fmaxresdefault.jpg&hash=c38d19d97d6c2598e41687c00537d28d719bcb2a)(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F1.bp.blogspot.com%2F-G-ecmsk7MpU%2FUFoHV8V99cI%2FAAAAAAAABMY%2Fm21QEZcnk3M%2Fs1600%2FTeenage%252BMutant%252BNinja%252BTurtles%252B80%252527s%252BCartoon%252BSeries%252Bfeaturing%252BChannel%252B6%252Breporter%252BApril%252BO%252527Neil%252Bwith%252BLeonardo%25252C%252BDonatello%25252C%252BRaphael%25252C%252BMichaelangelo.png&hash=73d8c03d81b70b0738c1005ddf53c2686b41e86d)

I had a traumatic childhood but I put that down to delayed social development and poor upbringing.  I did sometimes envy women for their figures when I was a young teen, but that was nothing major.  I definitely had that side to me but I was forced into a male role and I had no trouble going with it.