Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi, my name is Phoenix. I've been going by Phoenix for about 6 months now, and only last month did I come out to my parents as genderless. My mother flat out refuses to call me Phoenix, and doesn't want me to go by it. as she thinks it has something to do with my self-confidence issues, and trying to "get away from myself". The reason I have self-confidence issues is because I'm not getting support for my gender in the first place! I've lately been feeling very guilty using my name, when I say it online it feels right, but when I say it out loud I feel a wave of guilt.
I feel like I want to vomit when my mother brings up how I 'don't know myself yet.' Thing is, my dad was fine with it and after I told him he even referred to me as Phoenix once. But then my mom "had a talk" with him and now he refuses to call me Phoenix too. My mother's reasons for not using my chosen name are many and very confusing, but mostly I think she's hurt and scared that I'm not going to be her 'little girl' anymore. It's really important that I'm accepted because I'm going to a new school  :( how do I convince my parents that it is absolutely essential that I am called Phoenix, for my general well-being while being understanding of their concerns?

mod/edit on post

The name part is probably the hardest for parents. Mine still call me by my old name 50% of the time even if they try. I told them 17 years ago.

Welcome to Susan's  Phoenixophine

Take what you can, i have changed my name in 2005 and my parents still do the he thing. So work on your path and try and get a gender therapist to help you work on the struggles.

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Safe passage on your path
Mrs. Izzy

Thank you for the replies! Sometimes it helps just hearing from people who are going/have gone through the same struggles, and thanks for the welcome!  :)

It's hard for parents to simply accept a change that you want that they would rather not have to deal with.
Your Dad sounds like the one to reason with and maybe find out the root of why your Mother doesn't like this.
Iron out these kinds of things right away with them and others, don't let them pile up into one to large to deal with.
I can see you're considerate of their wishes, but work into it slowly and you can't demand acceptance, it is earned.
But I think you can do that without to much problem, just be helpful in letting them understand your point of view.
Give it plenty of time to sink in and be willing to answer questions they have as honestly as you can.
Trust, and parent can spot dishonesty a mile away, is key to you getting, earning that acceptance.
Stay in touch, good to see you here.
Ativan

Phoenix, you can't make your parents use your name.

What you can do, is educate them. Make sure they know:
* That you didn't choose to be trans*.
* That trans* people experience their gender in many ways. We're not all "trapped in the opposite body" or however the media likes to say it.
* It feels crappy to hear your old name and affirming to hear your chosen name, and they should take that into account when they go against your wishes.

Unfortunately they may need to hear these things many times before it sinks in.

Maybe even come up with a phrase you say every time they call you some other name. Something like:

"It really hurts me to be called that name. Please think about that when you decide what name to use."

If they hear this enough, they may realize what they're doing to you.

Good luck and hugs, Phoenix. This is a hard battle, but I know you have the strength to stick with it. We'll be here to listen!

Quote from: Myarkstir on August 12, 2014, 06:41:53 PM
The name part is probably the hardest for parents. Mine still call me by my old name 50% of the time even if they try. I told them 17 years ago.

It doesn't just happen with TGs.  My oldest brother was named after his father, so to avoid confusion, while he was growing  up, everyone called him by his middle name.  Once he grew up and moved out, he asked everyone to call him by his first name.  It took me a little time to adjust to it, but by now he's just <first name> to me.  My mother continued to call him <middle name> until she died, something like 40 years later.

There's nothing new in what you're experiencing, this is the way it always is with families. They somehow feel that they can control the life and desires of another family member, it's based on the fact that familiarity breeds contempt. Within families there is an established pecking order and an unspoken set of expectations and rules that when broken by one creates chaos for the rest. Changing your name without their explicit consent is just another item that sets them off and it probably won't go away any time soon.