Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I could use a bit of help - seems kind of odd coming from me, but I am a bit of a mess right now.

My life is working out better than I could have imagined in so many ways that it puzzles and kind of makes me sad when a snarky email can reduce me to a pathetic teary blob.

This morning I read a rather lengthy email from my (presumably) soon to be ex wife.  I've known for over a year that my transition would result in divorce, and both completely understood (she isn't lesbian, I'm not a man), and was mostly ok with it.  A few months ago I wrote up a separation agreement that I thought (as did my lawyer) was fair and reasonable.  She refused to sign or edit it.  I moved out of the house and into my trailer, both to show respect her and to escape my own hesitations. 

My life has blossomed this spring and summer, much of it I have written about here.  Donna has been reading my posts and yesterday announced that she got it and it was over.  Not really news but put in a way that I felt demeaned and wrong.

This morning's missive was polite, but filled with snark.  A poke here, a jab there, nothing awful - but I felt like sh*t by the end.  At the tail end of the letter she again alluded to how my four year old granddaughter who lives with us would be harmed by the dissolution of our marriage.  And hinted that I would never be allowed to see her.  Now Avea is Donna's daughter's child and I have no legal connection, but I've supported her and her mother for most of the last two years, and been Avea's playmate all her life.  To be threatened (veiled or otherwise) with the loss of her in my life tears me up.  I closed the door to my office and quietly sobbed.

There is so much wrong and dysfunctional with my marriage, and so much right with that little child, it leaves me unable to see.  I don't really expect advice, but if anyone has some way of dealing with stuff like this, I would like to know what it is.  God, I just want to crawl under a rock.

I love you guys,
Julie

  Hi  Julie  , 

  I read your post and it made me sad too  . 
  Unfortunately I don't have advices , just hugs and best wishes for you . May it be that your situation will end happily for everyone .  It is ok to have low moods , to cry  , yet don't loose your hope and strength , better days will come and you can influence the destiny  . 

  I hope you will feel better soon 

she probably feels robbed by the loss of the old you. This is probably her way of lashing out to combat those feelings of loss...

For me time was the only defense I had, that and calling my friends to cheer me up on days where contact with her was especially painful.

Time is the great healer, but somehow, someway I would so very much like to be able to recognize when my buttons are being pushed in real time.  I guess my biggest fear is that I'll end up back into the cold, dark, unemotional shell that I escaped from two years ago.  That really scares me to the point of paralysis.
j

Yeah, it kind of sounds to me like she's grasping at straws to keep you the way she wants you. A last ditch effort. What does her daughter think of you? By all rights it is her daughter's choice to let you see the child or not, not your ex's. But with all the snarkiness and lashing out to make you feel guilty is kind of pathetic really. Unfortunately if that is how she is gonna' react I would just let the lawyers handle it and cut off communication with her unless it was just absolutely necessary.

Oh Julie I want to hug you in real time again.  How very painful.  We don't have decades in our transition, we have months and I hope you will allow yourself room to be off balance.  It often seems just as we are feeling the crest our wave breaks and we are swimming hard for shore again. 

It is partly our vulnerability and honest searching that makes snarky and hurtful threats so damaging.  We have exposed our soft bellies and deepest needs.  We do care!  I have lost a grandson temporarily and hope that he and your granddaughter have that early core memory of us as loving adults.  Having met you, I know your caring nature will be sought out by other kids in need.  You have real beauty and grace to share my friend and I am very sure that rock is too small to hide your love.

Frankly Tessa I thought about hitting the road so that you could do just that (Hug).  It is good to love and be loved.  Thank You

j

PS, I've crawled under some pretty big rocks ;)

Julie,

Just reading your OP here hurts on so many levels.  I could put on my "rational" brain and try to figure out what your wife is driving at - and be 100% wrong.  That would not help.  Not sure anything I can say would actually help.  Divorce really hurts.  My wife passed away a number of years ago and that hurt to the point in some ways I am not over it yet.  From what I see, both death of a spouse and divorce are both really bad; there are big differences, but in the end both really hurt.

Despite what your wife throws at you, somehow you need to hang on and keep on being you.  Crawling under a big rock may seem a nice idea for the moment, but it won't lead you to getting past this and it won't end up helping your transition or eventual happiness.  Trust me, I have hidden under enough rocks for long enough that I know for a fact it won't help.

All I can really offer is HUGS!!!

Hang in there!


Erin

Oh Julie, how horrible. Please accept a hug from me.

Tough puzzle: How to get her to understand that the damage she's concerned that the divorce will do to a 4-year old is NOTHING compared to the damage it would do if she kept you out of her life.

Hang in there girl. You are strong!

Thank you everyone, Thank you Ellie who called and talked me into a better place.  This is my family, you are here whenever I need you.  I cannot express how important that is to me.  I hope you know that this level support is reciprocated to you by me.  Whenever anyone reaches out a hand I need to know that there is a hand reaching back.  Here is where those hands touch in abundance. 

One day I hope to meet each of you and hold you tightly in appreciation.  I say this frequently, but for me it is particularly true now.  Reinventing who I am from the core out is hard.  Living an authentic life is hard.  I cannot do it alone, and I no longer wish to try.  We are community, and powerful.  No-one who cries need do so in isolation and  I have to remember that this includes me.  I'm crying again but it feels better, they are tears of appreciation.

Thank you once again,

Julie

Julie

Sorry I am a little late, it is 0410 over here.  I can feel your hurt.  Perhaps the best way forward is to reframe the email and attribute more positive motivation than to see it as a threat to cause you hurt. ie that it wasn't designed to hurt you but to show how much she was hurting. 

Divorce is the end of shared dreams and shared ambition.   Perhaps your wife, in seeing you flourish, and so very, very, happy is feeling the pain just that much more than she expected, and misses her husband, far more than she expected or has expressed.

Time will help.  Being generous and assuming good intentions will help establish your new relationship with her.  Ascribing the most generous explanation for another's actions, creates possibility when reflex from established triggers (which most spouses know how to pull) sustains hurt and damage.

Not sure that the above helps but know in your heart that you are well loved by many, and we are here for you

Safe travels

Aisla

Aisla, I love you sweetie, get some sleep :)

Quote from: JulieBlair on August 15, 2014, 12:09:19 PM
PS, I've crawled under some pretty big rocks ;)

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There is nothing you can do when people make these sorts of choices except grieve then move on. My eldest son stopped allowing me to see either of my granddaughters by him starting 25 months ago when I came out to my adult children. I've resigned myself to the fact that I may never interact with those children again and at best, it may not happen until they are adults. The one granddaughter is 14 so 4 more years at least. The other was 4 when they cut me off. I expect by the time she's 18 she will barely even remember me.

In working through this with my therapist, she repeatedly emphasized that this was their choice, that I did nothing wrong, and that they are the ones deliberately choosing cruelty. It's the same thing in your situation. Your spouse has a choice and she has decided to be vindictive, mean, cruel, and to use a child as a tool to implement her anger and hatred towards you. You did nothing wrong. If your spouse is reading this, she really ought to get herself to a therapist and get her own issues straightened out. She has some serious emotional baggage to clean up and taking out her anger on you is absolutely the wrong thing to do.

Liz,

I am sorry this happened to you, I hope and pray that it doesn't come to that for me, but you are correct I am not culpable.  But I may soak a pillow or two regardless.

Julie

Hugs to all. While I have no children/grandchildren I'm potentially in the same position with my brother's daughters and that feels sad enough, can't even begin to imagine how it would feel for it to be grandchildren.

Julie, your wife says she gets it, sounds like she doesn't. She is, of course, entitled to her feelings and it seems you have been more than accommodating - a shame she couldn't be as equally supportive. Hugs.

Quote from: JulieBlair on August 15, 2014, 03:18:58 PM
Liz,

I am sorry this happened to you, I hope and pray that it doesn't come to that for me, but you are correct I am not culpable.  But I may soak a pillow or two regardless.

Julie

The hurt is natural. I cried myself to sleep almost every night in August and September 2012. And after two months of regular weekly therapy plus time to grieve, I began to accept what they had done and that it was not my fault. Even today there are still pangs. You never really get over loss completely, you just learn to live with it.

*hugs* You'll make it. Believe in yourself and you'll make it.

Grace,
I think she tried to be supportive,  by that time I'm afraid I was no longer reachable.   She is not really evil, but there is more wrong than just gender issues.  I wish her well, my biggest panic is Avea.  My God I love the child.

Liz, thank you - I know I'll be ok, just not right now.

Hugs
Julie