Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So I've noticed that even as far along as I am, I'm constantly seeking reassurance that transitioning has been the right decision for me.

It seems every couple of weeks or months I sit down with my fiance, or a counselor, or just with myself and run through everything in my head to try to make sense of it all because I'll be riddled with doubt as to whether or not transitioning was the right choice for me.  This has been going on since I first made the decision to transition 2 years ago but I find I still do it now and then.

Is this normal?  At what point does the constant questioning and having to reassure myself become a sign of a bigger problem?

Early in the process of transition it would seem a common and not not unreasonable thing. Transition isn't, as we know, like deciding to wear a different pair if socks...it is an utter upheaval of everything with major consequences even if done properly. If you're still doing it after two years though that would seem a bit more unusual. I'd ask how do you feel about your transition generally when not in these doubtful moods? Do you generally feel wracked by doubt/regret about other major choices you've made (eg buying a car or vacation, changing jobs, moving etc)? Maybe you are just a doubtful person? But if your transition doesn't generally always feel like the best thing ever then maybe you need to ask what is at the bottom of that?

I guess, what would be best to do is to look at your motivations to transition. Not the rational reasons but those you really felt emotionally deep within you. Did you have a craving for something special about transitioning?

Quote from: Rose City Rose on August 16, 2014, 03:07:42 AM
Is this normal?  At what point does the constant questioning and having to reassure myself become a sign of a bigger problem?

I certainly thrive on reassurance myself. Though I've gotten progressively more confident over time.

I'd say it becomes a problem if you don't see progress - if you don't become more comfortable with yourself over time and find you need it less and less.

Whenever I start slipping into, or am deep into, one of my "WTF am I doing???" meltdowns, I keep on reminding myself "I know what does not work". I spent decades trying things one way. My life was not working. In fact, after a few decades of insanity, you can say I didn't even have a life, I was barely a machine.

Today, my life is working. I feel alive. I experience joy. All due to few 'minor' tweaks, some hard work, learning about and using some new tools, and trying to unlearn bad behaviors.

Quote from: suzifrommd on August 16, 2014, 06:24:41 AM
I certainly thrive on reassurance myself. Though I've gotten progressively more confident over time.

I'd say it becomes a problem if you don't see progress - if you don't become more comfortable with yourself over time and find you need it less and less.

I'm seeing some progress, and I don't question as often as I used to.  Still, I'm trying to work out exactly what my motives are because sometimes I feel like I'm just running from my male identity because I embarrassed myself too badly.  It wouldn't be the first time I've tried to break away and re-invent myself.

But I don't think I'd be this far along if I wasn't dysphoric about my gender specifically, would I?  I would think the loss of erections or being gendered female would be intensely uncomfortable if I was meant to be male.  Or would it?  Maybe it just means that's the price I'm willing to pay to not be the person I was two years ago.  Lots of people go to extreme lengths to reinvent themselves, right?

It hurts having no clear sense of identity.  I pushed away the people who were reinforcing my old identity through bullying and psychological abuse, but now I realize just how much of my identity came from toxic people and I feel scared and confused.

Quote from: Rose City Rose on August 16, 2014, 08:42:34 PM
But I don't think I'd be this far along if I wasn't dysphoric about my gender specifically, would I?  I would think the loss of erections or being gendered female would be intensely uncomfortable if I was meant to be male.  Or would it?  Maybe it just means that's the price I'm willing to pay to not be the person I was two years ago.  Lots of people go to extreme lengths to reinvent themselves, right?

It sounds like you're afraid you're not "genuinely" transgender, and that you'll regret your transition.

I had some of those doubts early on as well. I really wanted to transition, but had no good indication that it would be better.

The (good) advice from my therapist at the time was to present as a woman in as many different social situations as I could. That really helped, since I realized how much more natural I felt at those times than during the rest of my life.

I go through periods on occasion when I'm not sure where or what or who I am.  At such times I ask myself: Do I want to go back to my old life?  That thought sends a shiver up my spine.  It would be like revisiting the scene of a crime--where I was the victim.

Went out again today, once again preening to look my best as I do every time I go out (I don't get out as much as I should due to social phobias).

After a few hours out, I have to say I don't know what I was worried about.  This is definitely an improvement over being a guy.

For me, when i was worried if this is all good and right, i often retreated to feeling my body change. The warm and happy feeling every feminization and later surgeries spurts in me when i feel it is immensely reassuring to me.

Quote from: anjaq on August 18, 2014, 02:22:46 AM
For me, when i was worried if this is all good and right, i often retreated to feeling my body change. The warm and happy feeling every feminization and later surgeries spurts in me when i feel it is immensely reassuring to me.

The changes have been almost unnoticeable for the last several months.

for myself, it just feels so incredibly right. I've wanted  to be on hormones for so long, but I have doubts daily , but there is no going back for me

Well - the hormone changes are going on for a while, then slowing down but still things happen and 3 years later you notice :P
But indeed, hormone therapy has to be done right - if it is not, changes are too little :( - still, even the knowledge about the positivity of these little changes was always reassurance to me. I thought - of course I am doing the right thing, if I really with all my heart love these changes. So it was more about the knowledge that this is going the right direction than the absolute changes.

Homo sapiens is a social species. Yes, we need positive assurance from our social circles. Anyone who argues that we are capable of going it all alone always is ignoring our history as a species, as well as what tends to happen to those left alone for long periods.

There is nothing wrong in wanting some reassurance but becoming obsessively linked to it could be harmful, and not just in deciding to transition but anything else as well.

Quote from: anjaq on August 18, 2014, 09:36:10 AM
Well - the hormone changes are going on for a while, then slowing down but still things happen and 3 years later you notice :P
But indeed, hormone therapy has to be done right - if it is not, changes are too little :( - still, even the knowledge about the positivity of these little changes was always reassurance to me. I thought - of course I am doing the right thing, if I really with all my heart love these changes. So it was more about the knowledge that this is going the right direction than the absolute changes.

As long as it took to get any results (i.e. get my T levels down and my E levels up to therapeutic levels) and as slowly as they stepped up my dose, I'm afraid my HRT may have been botched.