Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I may seem to have to easy a transition to some here and I just want you to know I have the same problems as all of us here. Today I was notified by my daughter that she is changing her last name to her mothers maiden name. She is doing this because she is ashamed to carry my name and is embarrassed of me. She has disowned me and her grand parents who have only loved and supported her the 16 1/2 years she has been alive. I am naturally crushed and heart broken, but it will not deter me from my goal in life of being post op. The same day I was served with papers saying my ex is going after full custody of my son because according to the paper served I am a degenerate and should not be responsible for raising my son. It says my mental status will have to be evaluated and see if there is a chance I will STEER him into being trans over his objections. My son for the record has been VERY supportive of me and identifies as 100% hetero. I know this is being done to cause me pain and nothing will happen with my custody of my son, but it still hurts to know I will have to prove my stability as a parent. I have a great therapy team who will be in my corner the whole way. I guess the reason I posted this is to show I am not immune to the pressures of society and others and am a human as well. I still maintain my new positive outlook and possess 100% of the confidence I have as usual. I just wanted to let everyone know I am not the golden girl with some magical silver spoon concerning transition and if I can persevere, so can you.  :)

Cyber hugs to you Jessica! My youngest son now in his early forties left for good about ten years ago because of this and has since changed his last name for the same reason, it was pretty hurtful and I'm still pained about it when I look at his baby pictures on the wall and around Christmas time. Oh well, just one less name to put on my will!

Kindred, possibly? i come here after so long, carrying the burden of a broken heart and find you also with one. In manyways this post helped me, reminding me im not the only person with problembs. And that no matter how much pain im in im not the only one.

But how?

How is it that you can endure things like that with a smile, where all some might want to do is cry? And not just endure, but overcome, from the sound of it? Does that come naturally to you, or is it something you've picked up along the way? I'm kind of jealous, tbh, because I can only wish every problem and setback didn't feel so soul crushing.

I admire your spirit. :)

I made up my mind that my new life would not be trodden on by others. I told myself that after 28 years of career hell I deserved to be happy and to live life fully instead of cleaning up the tragic lives of others surrounded by death and misery. Happiness is what you make of it and you can embrace it fully or try to live up to the expectations of others, which is impossible. Someone will always find fault in you in one way or another. Once you realize this you get overcome by a weird feeling of calm and acceptance. Like with my daughter. I raised her, cared for her, protected her and educated her. She is an adult now and what ever path she chooses in life is her call. She like I have to live the way we are so even though I am sad I will not judge her. It is her choice to pick this path and should have no reflection on me at all. A parent should never feel guilty for the actions of an adult child at all. Life is about choices, I made mine she made hers. I smile and remain positive because I no longer have to hide my true self or be repressed in any way. I wish more would see transition not as a life ending situation, but a life GIVING one. I hope no one carries over guilt, shame or baggage from the past into their new glorious life. Transition is a positive, not a negative!  :)

Hugs, Jessica. It's terrible to be rejected by those closest to you because they can't or won't allow you to be who you are. Hopefully your daughter, with some years and maturity behind her will realise the error of her ways and understand how hurtful she has been. "Force someone to be trans"?? Clearly they have no idea, that stupidity has (or shouldn't have) a leg to stand on. More hugs.

The ex questioned my son over a half hour and he finally had enough and told her to leave and take her small mind with her. He is my HERO!! He kept telling her I was a much better person now and no one should question my motives at all. He said no court order would ever make him leave me and that I was not "recruiting" anyone to be trans at all. He was really wonderful!!  :)

That is so nice Jessica. :) He already sounds like a real man your son.

I'm so sorry to hear about what your daughter is putting you through. *hugs* It's a relief to know you have such support from your son.

I'm sorry your daughter and ex can not understand and our acting so badly. I have never seen you as someone with a silverspoon. You are real and that means you experience the good and the bad. Your attitude is awesome and it is something I and others respect a lot and we are also here to send you support when you need it.

Also, kudos to your son

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on August 16, 2014, 03:46:46 PM
The ex questioned my son over a half hour and he finally had enough and told her to leave and take her small mind with her. He is my HERO!! He kept telling her I was a much better person now and no one should question my motives at all. He said no court order would ever make him leave me and that I was not "recruiting" anyone to be trans at all. He was really wonderful!!  :)

He's a real winner, what a great son!

Quote from: Shantel on August 16, 2014, 05:27:57 PM
He's a real winner, what a great son!

I made his favorite dinner tonight!! He is awesome!!  :)

*hugs*

Your son sounds truly incredible. Please consider leaving the door open a crack for your daughter; she is young and has a very narrow world view. Consciously or not; she appears to have been recruited in this horrible conflict which is profoundly painful to bear.

All I can say is best wishes, big hugs and lots of love.

Quote from: whatever on August 16, 2014, 05:44:35 PM
Please consider leaving the door open a crack for your daughter

I did.  :) I am hoping that going to college will get her into a different environment much different from High School. I do understand the pressure's she is under right now and I will never stop loving and caring for her. You are so right about her situation as she is a pawn of sorts in a very bitter divorce. My sincere hope is some day she will understand what I am doing and why.  :)

I've come across some fairly low and miserable family battles in my work Over the years, but this is really very poor stuff. Your daughter is at a very impressionable age and it seems likely she would have done this at your ex's bidding. I think there would be a strong chance that as she gets other influences in her life after school she'll be more mature and understanding.

On the other hand it's good to hear of a young man who is being raised to be a thoughtful and compassionate person!

Hugs to you Jessica, and I hope all of this plain nastiness can have an end without courts and all that other stuff.


Love,


Ros

Quote from: rosinstraya on August 16, 2014, 06:18:07 PM
and I hope all of this plain nastiness can have an end without courts and all that other stuff.

I have a feeling she intends to go to court to spotlight me and humiliate me somehow. It won't work though as I have confidence, integrity and know who I am now. The only person she will humiliate is herself in front of the public. A part of me wants to spare her of it, but she is pushing it so she can deal with the fallout. She is already spreading very bad gossip and false stories about me around the city and I do not know how much credence the people will give them. I could be in for a very rough last part of this year. I hope not, but I am prepared.  :)

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on August 16, 2014, 06:25:57 PM
I have a feeling she intends to go to court to spotlight me and humiliate me somehow. It won't work though as I have confidence, integrity and know who I am now. The only person she will humiliate is herself in front of the public. A part of me wants to spare her of it, but she is pushing it so she can deal with the fallout. She is already spreading very bad gossip and false stories about me around the city and I do not know how much credence the people will give them. I could be in for a very rough last part of this year. I hope not, but I am prepared.  :)

Good attitude! I think that in a college environment your daughter will get her own thoughts together on the subject and she'll probably turn back to you. It's always a shame when a woman feels so scorned that they have to respond with such hateful vitriol, it won't serve her well in the end. She just needs to move on quietly. I'm sorry that this is how you both are finishing up, but you can't take responsibility for her continued smoldering anger.

Thanks Shan! Yes, when I went full time Jan 1st I made myself a promise that from that point on I would harbor no ill will towards anyone and be someone others may call a friend. The old is gone and Jessica lives free and unapologetic!!  :)

Your son is awesome.  I do hope that your daughter comes around soon.  At any rate, I'm glad you are being so positive about this.  :)  -hugs-

Jessica, I just read this. I'm so sorry you have to live with such poison. You're a loving, caring soul, and I'm sure you're a wonderful parent. You don't deserve any of this. I promise you that some day your daughter will realize what an awful thing she did and I only hope it's soon enough to let you back into her life. (I won't say the same about your ex. That sort of anger runs deep.)

Hang in there. I'm sending healing thoughts your way.

Hang strong Sis. Your son is awesome. Your ex is - well

how can I say how I would face the situation? I'm pretty sure you know me well enough :laugh:

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Quote from: suzifrommd on August 16, 2014, 06:47:16 PM
That sort of anger runs deep.

The humorous thing is being trans had nothing to do with the upcoming divorce, it is just icing on the cake!  She never had a clue. In a way I am thankful she left because it allowed me to be born! ;D

Quote from: Cindy on August 16, 2014, 06:48:54 PM
how can I say how I would face the situation? I'm pretty sure you know me well enough :laugh:

Since we are such good friends how about 48 hours notice if I ever upset you, please!  :o

Awww Jessica!! Big hugs!! Sorry you have to go through that, but I know your proud you raised such an amazing young man! You'll get through it all cuz your just so amazing girl!!!;D

Sis,

You know I have your back, well in Canada would be more way back.lol.

Wish we did not have it come down to childish behaviours but seems divorce pulls the childish games out of the best.

Moments in court can be priceless when the judge wipes the he's a trans smirk off a x'es face with a simple word. So.

You are correct that so many here feels we had a easy transition. Try an live and support a family and job while struggling inside of un happiness. Not so easy.

Many like Jessica understands and holds the key to happiness. It has always been the key, just not everyone is at that point to accept the key.

Jessica, hugs to you and a big one for your son. He truly is a fine gentleman.

Jessica - I am sorry that you are having to go through this but it sounds like your head is screwed on nice & level. Keep living right and doing right by people and this too shall pass. I am especially proud of your son and the way he stood up for you! Your daughter may come around to a different viewpoint once she gets out in the world so keep that door open for her.

Like someone else said I hope that judge embarrasses your wife in court. You did nothing wrong dear.

Sorry you have to go thru all this crap Jess :(. I hope your daughter one day realizes what a absolute sweetie you are and comes around and realizes what a mistake she made.

Remember Big Sis, you can always blow up my inbox if you need to, I have certainly done my share in blowing yours up!

 :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug:

Jessica

What a terrible situation and one which unfortunately is not that uncommon..  We are here for you, as you have been here for us.

Be well

Aisla

Jessica,

I am so sad to hear this has happened to you.  Your attitude is amazing!  And kudos to you son for handling himself so well in such an awful situation.

As others have noted, if you look for it with the right attitude, you may find some humor.  Your ex is going into this with so much vitriol that some where some thing is just NOT going to go her way.  One indivual in a really ugly divorce went to the other's attorney after some of the court costs and attorney's fees had been reversed to them because they had been responsilbe for way too much excess litigation (this person with a PhD no less) and complained "Your fees are exuberant!"  Hopefully you can find some humor to relieve this utter darkness.

Again, your attitude is amazing!  Hugs Sister!


Erin

God Jessica. I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this. I do know that if your son is over a certain age, the judge will give him the choice of who he wants to stay with. Where I come from it is or was 14 I think I know your state and my home state aren't that much different. So sorry to hear about how your daughter is reacting. Maybe she will one day understand things a lot better than what she does now. You have one heck of a son and seems like he is very accepting of you and actually proud of you. Sounds like you raised a real man there. For that you deserve a big hug. As for your daughter though, hopefully she will find her way back. Sorry I didn't catch this Sat while having my little meltdown. :embarrassed: Now I really feel bad.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on August 16, 2014, 02:49:39 PM
I may seem to have to easy a transition to some here and I just want you to know I have the same problems as all of us here. Today I was notified by my daughter that she is changing her last name to her mothers maiden name. She is doing this because she is ashamed to carry my name and is embarrassed of me.

All she is doing is marking herself as someone who is intolerant ...

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on August 16, 2014, 02:49:39 PMShe has disowned me and her grand parents who have only loved and supported her the 16 1/2 years she has been alive.

... and an ingrate as well

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on August 16, 2014, 02:49:39 PMI am naturally crushed and heart broken,

:(

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on August 16, 2014, 02:49:39 PMbut it will not deter me from my goal in life of being post op.

Good for you. I have similar problems with my mother who insists on misgendering me everywhere we go and every chance she gets. Darned if I can understand why

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on August 16, 2014, 02:49:39 PM....I know this is being done to cause me pain and nothing will happen with my custody of my son, but it still hurts to know I will have to prove my stability as a parent. I have a great therapy team who will be in my corner the whole way.

I am glad to hear you have support and your son sounds like he is comfortable and confident in himself. You will come out of this OK and hopefully it will show your daughter that others are understanding and that maybe she should change her position.

Quote from: aaggat on August 18, 2014, 08:11:14 AM

Good for you. I have similar problems with my mother who insists on misgendering me everywhere we go and every chance she gets. Darned if I can understand why

Vindictive, just plain vindictive and unforgiving,  it's about her disappointment at having lost control of you and your decisions for your own life. Ever hear this one? "Oh my God, I've given you the best years of my life, where have I gone wrong?" It's the same that Jessica is getting from her former spouse. It's just the same drama that comes from all controlling women. They have to be shunned, ostracized and treated as if they no longer exist for a length of time if not forever until they change their attitude. I did that with my mom for a ten year period and suddenly she changed her heart toward me.

Quote from: Shantel on August 18, 2014, 08:38:57 AM
It's just the same drama that comes from all controlling women. They have to be shunned, ostracized and treated as if they no longer exist for a length of time if not forever until they change their attitude. I did that with my mom for a ten year period and suddenly she changed her heart toward me.

That is too aggressive for me.

She only visits once a year for a few days at a time and I pack her off home tomorrow. I can stand another 23 hours of her especially since I will be asleep for 8 or 9 of them.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on August 16, 2014, 06:42:12 PM
Thanks Shan! Yes, when I went full time Jan 1st I made myself a promise that from that point on I would harbor no ill will towards anyone and be someone others may call a friend. The old is gone and Jessica lives free and unapologetic!!  :)

I so much feel for you Jess and am sorry your daughter is putting you through this hardship. Like you say though, the only person she'll humiliate by making a show of things in court is herself. I'm so glad though even after all this your still willing to leave the light on for her. One good thing came of it though, your son has shown his meddle and has become quite the young man you can be very proud of.

Big hugs :icon_hug: and all my hopes for the best outcome.

If you need to talk about this Sis you know my door is always open and I'm only a pm away.

Ali :icon_flower:

Big hugs, Jessica.  You and your son are awesome.

Thanks everyone! Yes, my son is sooo amazing.  :)

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on August 16, 2014, 03:46:46 PM
The ex questioned my son over a half hour and he finally had enough and told her to leave and take her small mind with her. He is my HERO!! He kept telling her I was a much better person now and no one should question my motives at all. He said no court order would ever make him leave me and that I was not "recruiting" anyone to be trans at all. He was really wonderful!!  :)

I really like your son. Great attitude  :)

Quote from: Shantel on August 18, 2014, 08:38:57 AM
I did that with my mom for a ten year period and suddenly she changed her heart toward me.

Sounds familiar mine lasted 5.

Quote from: Myarkstir on August 23, 2014, 06:05:32 PM
Sounds familiar mine lasted 5.

Like Tony Soprano says, "What are you gonna do?"

Sometimes we have to play tough love right back at them.

I am so sorry to hear this!! :(

It seems that children especially girls always seem to give there biological mothers more respect and even love for that matter. Then on top of that "we" add our transition to the mix....For the most part it seems all people have a stronger connection with their mothers.....who doesn't love there mommy!! This doesn't mean that fathers can't or don't get the same respect and love from their children.....but it needs to be more earned than a natural given. This is one reason I wish I could of given birth to my children....its not the birth itself....its the natural connection.

My ex can't do anything wrong according to my children....and they fear and respect her 10 times more than I. Things only got worse with my transition.....I found out quite early that they were not allowed to call me mother because she didn't allow it, even though they would of been ok with it and understood the reasons behind it had nothing to do with me wanting to be their mother.

I do fear the future very much, I want to still be involved in my children's life so much, but feel they may do the same type things as your daughter. The thing is my ex has never been involved in there lives like I have....I refer to my children's connection with her as her Facebook kids....she posts so many wonderful pics of her and the kids to show all the people how wonderful of a mother she is, but doesn't do jack squat with them.....she wouldn't even be able to name one of my child's friends or teachers.

You have such a great attitude and outlook on this! I wish you nothing but the best outcome!! hugs!!! If you love someone....let them go! Ugh!! Such an easy thing to say........but do????

Jessica,

Dangit.
I suppose it has to do with some of your religious background, but that really shouldn't be an excuse for her behaviour.

The part that hurts the most is the fact that the kids have been forced to take sides.  Your son is awesome in the fact that he's got a better head on the situation.

All I can do is offer a hug.  The hurt isn't going to go away that quickly. :(
Luna

Jessica,

I am sorry that you are going through this.  Your response is wonderful and thank you for showing how these ugly situations need to be handled.  And hugs for your son by showing what love really is. 

Hugs girl,

Jen

It seems when the cis female spouse decides to pull the plug on the marriage that they almost always get ugly and vindictive and go to extremes creating hell on earth for their mate and go out of their way to poison the minds of the children against the father. It's as if there had never been any wedding vows, there had never been any good times, never any love and laughter shared, it's as if all the love and years of the husband's hard work to build financial success and support for her and the kids had never happened. How can a woman become so hateful when they made those vows? I believe that every married MtF transitioner here would have welcomed the support and would have stuck with their spouse even post-op until death parted them.

I was standing in line behind two pretty young women at Starbucks, one turned to the other and showed off her newly acquired engagement ring with a big diamond, amid the squeals of delight the only thing she said is, "He makes six figures, he will really be able to support me in style!" I didn't hear the word love or anything more about him, just that he made a lot of money. I felt like puking!

Quote from: Shantel on August 24, 2014, 10:21:36 AM
I was standing in line behind two pretty young women at Starbucks, one turned to the other and showed off her newly acquired engagement ring with a big diamond, amid the squeals of delight the only thing she said is, "He makes six figures, he will really be able to support me in style!" I didn't hear the word love or anything more about him, just that he made a lot of money. I felt like puking!

That is just really sad.