Susan's Place Transgender Resources

When I was three i started having dreams of being a girl and asking my mom why i could not be one. On and off through out the years i have had the desire to transition. I even am a girl in my dreams. Is there anyway to get the thoughts to stop. I am not sure if i even want this. I feel scared. I like being a guy and i like doing things with my friends. Going shooting guns, flirting with girls, and even riding my motorcycle everyday. Really is there a way to fix this or should i follow with these thoughts, go with the flow. I am lost on what to do and do not have the money to spend on a therapist.

No one can tell you how you feel or what you should do.

What I can say is that in my experience no, I couldn't get those feelings to stop. Trying to do so delayed my transition and that causes a bit of regret for me.

To clarify though, while I have masculine interests such as paintball, video games, electronics, etc I have a great many more feminine interests and while women and men are not limited by their hobbies it did make the transition easier to deal with. I still participate in the hobbies I had living as male because I like them.

I had dreams where I was clearly a girl since I was a kid as well.  They never went away.   It got to the point where I was so depressed that I was trying to take afternoon naps just so I could be a girl in my dreams.  I never wanted to wake up from these dreams.   Now that I transitioned, I love waking up because I'm a girl in real life now.

Also, lots of women ride bikes, shoot guns and flirt with other women.  I've done all of the above.  I also play guitar, fix things around the house, build things and have a pretty impressive collection of power tools.

Please talk to a therapist who specializes in gender issues before it gets worse (it always seems to).  The dysphoria, anxiety and depression built up until it almost killed me.  Twice inside of a month I woke up in the hospital because I didn't get therapy in time.  Not cool.

Best wishes,
Jill

Both girls are spot on.

I stuffed those feeling for 40 something years and today i am the girl of my dreams (well a older woman)

Therapist is key to understanding where you fit and will help you work on the feelings and how to deal with them on a day to day basis.

There is no ones size fits all. Everyone has there own treatment that is needed and does what they need for that inner peace.

I concur with Hikari, you are the captain of your own ship, I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you a bit about me.
I couldn't get it to stop either. I can also tell you that your sexual orientation is not necessarily linked to your gender. Guy stuff? I was a range officer at one time, taught handgun safety, had a pilot's license, motorcycle, played senior varsity football, had girlfriends, need I go on? That also has little to do with it. Nobody asks for this, you know? I denied it. I fought with the girl, kept pushing her away and every time I did that, I died inside a little bit. Wish I hadn't done that. My life was an emotional rollercoaster, sinking dangerously low at times, until I woke one day and simply embraced the girl, gave her a name and began our journey. I still haven't parted company with "the guy" but he is willing to back off now, so life is better.

Have you googled for any pro bono counseling services that may be found in your vicinity? You might still be able to find something sponsored by the state or the municipality, or at least subsidized enough for you to be able to afford the co-payment.

Transitioning to female will ease the pain.

On youtube there is a wonderful trans girl called Minorqback.  She transitioned,  but took all her favourite guy activities and traits with her.  Instead of being a suicidal, depressed, soccer playing, stoner frat boy sports fan... she became a happy soccer playing stoner girl sports fan.


http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=budykK4he-k


Girls who do guy stuff are cool.

well, in my humble non professional opinion your psyche is speaking to you. mine did it to me too

Thanks for all of the replies and advice. I will try to save the money to go to a therapist as I am on a breaking point. I have heard of minorqback i have watched a lot of her videos. I even talked to her when she was still on youtube a lot. Her videos helped me understand a bit and when i talked to her it felt amazing that someone simply had answers and if not a helpful hand.

I just have a lot on my plate. My job certainly would discriminate. My friends i know are loyal. Half of them think im gay anyway. Which to tell you the truth im not. I like girls... I love them. Maybe if i found the right guy i would bite but its much easier for me to like women. Even some of my family thinks that im gay. I cant tell you how many times i have been told you know if your gay we will still love you. I do know that my parents are the biggest anti gay in the world.

Also i will be going to college next semester and can only fear for how that will turn out. Yet at least one of my friends is gay and another one of my friends is trans. It also helps that i can tell my best friend since kindergarten anything and he listens and doesn't fault me.

Sorry im chatty when i get stuck on a subject... Again thank you.

Collage can be a good thing.

There should be support group there for the LGBTQ.

Also so many of the health insurance policies that the collage offer will now cover GD care.

Just do not get rushed, transition is a long process and takes time to work out issues that really need to be handled with you and a therapist.

Keep head high and we are always here to help when you need to vent.

Safe passage on your path

Screw it i wont let anyone get in my way. Im gonna go from a 195 pound muscle mass that open carries a revolver that rides a motorcycle everyday, and playing video games to a person that matches my inner self. Start my long journey to a woman that open carries a revolver and rides a motorcycle everyday and plays video games.

You go girl ;)
Safe journey, and, quoting a friend, fair winds and following seas!

Once you get on hormones, your brain relaxes a huge amount, then you can just take your time- maybe let them work their magic whilst you study, then start making the external switch after college.

I was frantic and desperate before hormones. Everything was soooo hard.  After was easy.

I could never truly get it to stop. I could suppress for a while, but the voice came back stronger every time.

If in your mind you believe that you have always been a girl, then must be some element of truth to yourself in that. The fact that your mind has never let up on this thought would lend some evidence to proving it. As others have mentioned, if you are not entirely sure about this then discussing how you feel with a therapist who has experience with gender identities may be what you need to affirm your true feelings.

As to the hobbies you do now in your male persona, you should continue to do these if you want to should you decide to start hormone replacement therapy. You may find through HRT that you develop other interests along the way and any existing interests take a back seat as a result. However you should not feel that as a woman you cannot have what society deems as manly interests anymore.

I have only found one way for it to stop by finally dealing with it.
It ate at me for years and stopped me doing so many things. It was very hard to come out but I am so glad I did. I was terrified.
I can hardly remember how bad it was after 11 months on E as life is so much better.
I am only on low dose hrt so still presenting male, for the time as changes have been slow but steady.

I am not going to change many things about me, I like sports, running, cycling. Shame about swimming until after. I miss it. :(
Hobbies are not going to change however shoes and clothes shopping will be now fun.

What is important is be happy so do what you need to do and be true to yourself.

Dose it stop, mmm no but it may go away for a while. Just be prepared to be hit harder and faster next time round, and the cyle will continue until you decide to speak to someone and deal

What makes you, you (hobbies, interest personality). Don't have to change if you transition (well you may find yourself becoming more happy because you are finally able to be you)

Quick question is 80 bucks too much for a therapist. Im not really sure. He is the closest around.

considering that I pay 150 per session with mine, no i dont think its too expensive lol.

Also, who says girls don't shoot guns and flirt with girls? ->-bleeped-<-, I ride ATV's, go jetskiing, love video games and curse like a sailor, flirt with boys AND girls. Transition will turn you into the woman you feel you are, it doesn't mean you have to leave your hobbies behind. There is no right or wrong way to be a man or a woman.

To answer your original question though ~ no, these thoughts don't stop... you can bury them, forget about them temporarily, or ignore them, but they're there and will eventually torment you; the only way to ease thoughts of transitioning, is to transition :P E is a hell of a drug, I too was scared and unsure and was "happy" being a guy, but after realizing that i had lived 20+ years of my life being known for my anger, my hatred for everything, my low self-esteem, never feeling attractive, and severe suicidal depression, I realized that I was kidding myself. 6 months later I'm riding the E-Train and its a smooth ride xD

Thanks for the support its kind of amazing how many people are almost exactly like me. I did not know there were this many people. I have woken twice in hospital. The thoughts the stress. Life gets put on a back burner when all im trying to do are shut out these thoughts.

Suzi once posted this:

 "We are doctors, pilots, lawyers and academics, not only nurses, flight attendants and secretaries. We can and do inhabit every single facet of life".

There are no rules about being transgender, there are no rights or wrongs, the same as for every other human being. Be yourself and no apologies are needed for being you.

No, there is nothing that will make this go away. Find a therapist and get help. You say you can't afford that yet you can afford these hobbies? I think you need to resolve this before it gets worse.

As for the hobbies, as others have noted, lots of us have hobbies that might be considered "male" but so do lots of cisgender women too.

All of my guns are passed down and games are gifts. The bike I inherited. So currently all income goes to gas food and rent.

EDIT
But I do have around 15 left over a week. Time to save.

Quote from: Alice Bracken on August 21, 2014, 10:14:23 AM
Quick question is 80 bucks too much for a therapist. Im not really sure. He is the closest around.

I concur with Emily, that seems very reasonable. (yes, I'm paying more than that).

Now im wondering would it be better to have a male therapist or female one. I kinda am swaying from the male one. Its complicated but I feel hesitant. I dont really know why is rather talk to a woman.

My therapist is female and has been wonderful for me. I do believe I've been able to open up to her more readily than to a man. That's probably bias on my part, but I personally felt more comfortable with a female therapist, probably exacerbated by the first male therapist I talked to turned out to be a practitioner of reparative therapy, which is considered unethical and proven statistically harmful to LGBT patients across the board.

I have had a few due to many issues. The best therapist is the one you can connect with male or female.
I personally went through a few until I found a good connection.

I've had 1 very good male psychiatrist, two extremely great female psychologists and 1 great female therapist at present and one idiot male psychologist .

Im going to go with the male. He said he would be willing to let me pay a bit every week. My appointment is scheduled for next monday.

I also have a question. I have aloy of muscle and no fat. How much strength will I lose. Right now at my job I can lift 100 pound boxes no problem. Will I still be that way through transitioning?

Your muscles are going to change. How much strength you lose will depend on you but female muscles can be nearly as strong as male muscles, just thinner, more elongated, and far less bulky due to lack of testosterone. It also won't happen immediately but over time.

As for how much, that depends on so many personal factors that no one here could possibly predict for you in any really accurate manner.

Quote from: Alice Bracken on August 20, 2014, 07:43:40 PM
Is there anyway to get the thoughts to stop. I am not sure if i even want this. I feel scared. I like being a guy and i like doing things with my friends. Going shooting guns, flirting with girls, and even riding my motorcycle everyday. Really is there a way to fix this or should i follow with these thoughts, go with the flow. I am lost on what to do and do not have the money to spend on a therapist.

Alice

Plenty of good advice has already been posted.  Nevertheless I thought that it may be useful sharing my experience. In my case the gender dysphoria kept coming back, each time stronger than the last time.  The only thing that has worked for me was understanding and accepting that I was trans*.   This required 4 things - a great gender therapist, a top flight endocrinologist, low dose hrt and great support.  It was however the low dose hrt which stopped my dysphoria and turned my life around.  It was Susans and a process of self discovery that then helped me understand that my gender identity is unique, yes it falls within the heading of non binary, but it is unique to me.   

So in short the hrt dealt with the initial problem of gender dysphoria, it then opened my eyes, my emotions and possibility to pursue a richer and more authentic life.  How I wish to express this is my choice and this is a good thing. I don't expect to stop skiing, kayaking, camping, diving, walking or following pro sports.  I do expect to build stronger, more intimate and more powerful relationships with women, with friends and with the broader community.

This journey has taken more than 50 years.  Life to me is about understanding who you are and expressing the person who you wish to be, as powerfully and as authentically that you can.  It is not so much seeking to 'fix' oneself as it is seeking to express oneself as authentically as possible.  You have the opportunity to start on your journey and find your authentic self, far earlier than I did.

Safe travels

Aisla