Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Recently, I observed a brand new member of this site being given a very hard time by longtime site members for asking an honest question. This really bothered me, and brought back memories of a traumatic night. When I first was questioning my gender, and I had no idea what might be wrong with me, I ventured a timid post on Susan's asking whether people thought I belonged.

One of the very first replies came from someone who told me they were uncomfortable having me post here, because it appeared I was "cisgender". I didn't know what that meant, so I promised to look it up, and if I thought it fit, I would accommodate their wishes and not return. When I learned what it meant, I decided I clearly did not belong here, and that I wouldn't bother the members of Susan's with any further posts.

I almost didn't come back.

Can you imagine where I'd be today if I hadn't? But after a mostly sleepless night spent upset that I hadn't found a safe place to talk about what was eating me, I awoke early and had a few extra minutes in the morning. My computer was already logged on, so I decided to check my thread one more time. There was one more post, strongly disagreeing with the member who thought I didn't belong here. That was enough for me to stay for one more day, which produced a parade of people welcoming me to the site.

My point is that when someone joins this site, they are in a very delicate place. If we start picking apart their language or use their thread to perpetuate a feud with other members, we can EASILY drive someone away who desperately needs us.

So please, please, PLEASE, be gentle with new members. Please answer their posts with sensitivity and empathy. Please understand that they are often hanging on our every word and that we might be providing the only support, support someone desperately needs.

Very good advice...  :)

I fear that this plea will be lost on those who need to hear it most...but it bears repeating from time to time.

Folks, if you ever see people giving a new member a hard time, please do report it immediately. Better to be too sensitive and let the mods dismiss it than to second-guess yourself and say, "Ah, I'm making too much of this; it will be all right."

Great topic. Well thought out heart felt message from Suzi.

As Arch said we try and catch all the posts but there are times we need the forum members help.

No report we get is a wasted report.

As said look back on your first day to Susan's. Then ask why am i still here?

Safe journey on your life's path

I understand where you are coming from, but at the same time, I personally feel like the other member's thoughts and feelings shouldn't be swept aside because a person is new.  I remember about a little over a year ago we had a new member to come in and asked the guys "so why do you want to be men?".  Of course, some of the guys, including myself didn't like the wording of that question, or the details inside, so naturally, me and another guy expressed our feelings and responded to this person, only to have what we said deleted and a "watch" signal near us (or him at least).  I had a mod imply to me that I took the thread as a personal attack, which I didn't (but I had to "prove" that).  Long story short, they saw my side of the story but disagreed, and my post was put back, but the thread was deleted hours later anyways.  Let me add that we had a new poster that asked the exact same thing a month ago and their thread as immediately deleted as they were more or less deemed a troll.

What I'm trying to say is that I think there should be a balance.  Users shouldn't go out of their way to pick apart someone who is new, but I do think they should be able to make their feelings clear (in a professional manner without resorting to personal attacks) without fear of being reprimanded by the mods or even other members.  I know when I got that private message, I just felt like crap, not because of what I said to that person, but because I actually felt belittled.....like my feelings didn't matter because I wasn't a new person.  I think a healthy dialogue from contrasting opinions is fine as long as it's not done with malice aforethought towards the individual.

I know I was brittle when I was new here, I was in a dark place and it wouldn't have took too much to push me into hurting myself. I am very thankful everyone was very supportive....

The point is don't let someone's ignorance get the better of you, educate them and enrich the both of you.

Malachite brings up a good point, but we should all bear in mind that apparent non-trans newbies who come across as ignorant and offensive should be reported, not responded to with anger or venom. It is perfectly fine to be assertive as long as you also try to be polite. That can be a tough line to walk (how well I know), but if you are angry or feel disrespected, you are often better off waiting for a bit before replying.

If the person still insists on being what we would consider disrespectful, they will be dealt with pretty swiftly by the mods IF the posts are reported. If they are not, the situation can quickly escalate, and then nobody's happy.

Quote from: Arch on August 22, 2014, 09:21:21 PM
I fear that this plea will be lost on those who need to hear it most...but it bears repeating from time to time.

I'm not sure sure how these forums work with reputation and people on watch, but perhaps it can be used to help with this problem. Problematic users could be automatically prevented from posting to to threads that are started by new users (say less than 10 posts). It might also give those user some incentive to be more careful.

Quote from: King Malachite on August 23, 2014, 01:33:22 AM
I understand where you are coming from, but at the same time, I personally feel like the other member's thoughts and feelings shouldn't be swept aside because a person is new.  I remember about a little over a year ago we had a new member to come in and asked the guys "so why do you want to be men?".  Of course, some of the guys, including myself didn't like the wording of that question, or the details inside, so naturally, me and another guy expressed our feelings and responded to this person, only to have what we said deleted and a "watch" signal near us (or him at least).  I had a mod imply to me that I took the thread as a personal attack, which I didn't (but I had to "prove" that).  Long story short, they saw my side of the story but disagreed, and my post was put back, but the thread was deleted hours later anyways.  Let me add that we had a new poster that asked the exact same thing a month ago and their thread as immediately deleted as they were more or less deemed a troll.

What I'm trying to say is that I think there should be a balance.  Users shouldn't go out of their way to pick apart someone who is new, but I do think they should be able to make their feelings clear (in a professional manner without resorting to personal attacks) without fear of being reprimanded by the mods or even other members.  I know when I got that private message, I just felt like crap, not because of what I said to that person, but because I actually felt belittled.....like my feelings didn't matter because I wasn't a new person.  I think a healthy dialogue from contrasting opinions is fine as long as it's not done with malice aforethought towards the individual.

I agree with you, Malachite. I do understand where some of the people asking for some extra patience and kindness are coming from, but I'm not at all happy about how longtime members were raked over the coals for not responding as sweetly as they could have. When it's someone who needs support because a loved one is transgender, and their post comes off as transphobic or ignorant, I'm gentle. However, someone coming here to post about how they're upset about their partner's fetish for transgender women isn't necessarily going to receive the same careful treatment from me. Maybe that's wrong of me, but what's also wrong is publicly belittling other members for reacting with frustration or even anger. A polite mod comment is more than enough. We deal with enough without having to deal with attacks from each other.

I'm sort of torn on how to respond to this topic. Suzi's original post makes it sound like we're talking about new members who are trans or questioning, in which case I would show nothing but love and support to, even if they came in with a completely misinformed idea of us and used all the wrong terminology and wording.

However, if we are indeed referring to the recent incident Declan alluded to, I really can't understand what was inappropriate about the way some people responded. That person was not trans or questioning and neither was their partner. They also didn't come to our forum to learn about us. They came to us because their partner expressed interest in having sexual relationships with trans women. I found this offensive and still do. I don't understand what support we were supposed to offer this person. Their problem really had nothing to do with us. We are not in some special position to give advice on that sort of thing simply because we are transgender, and we are not marriage counselors. They were also not respectful when asking for advice.

I think this is a good, sensible thing to suggest.

I do however have something I'd like to add. I've never been overly fond of the initial post(s) made by mods on topics by new members. It's basically the same thing everytime and not very personal or much of a response to the original poster, as in, giving advice. No offence intended, of course, I just think that if mods are going to post to say "Hi", it would be nice if it was more than just reposting the rules and links to topics about post ranks and when and how new members can change avatars and signatures with a fairly generic welcome message. I'm sorry if this comes across as really negative, it's not my intention. I really like how people are welcoming and understanding towards new members on this forum and would love to see more happily informed new members join our ranks.

Quote from: Phoenix_2812 on August 23, 2014, 04:21:34 AM
I've never been overly fond of the initial post(s) made by mods on topics by new members. It's basically the same thing everytime and not very personal or much of a response to the original poster, as in, giving advice.

Hi Phoenix. I don't mind the mods basically saying "Welcome, and these are our rules.  Please obey them right from the start."  They are quite clear, and it is a way of ensuring that imposters or the disruptive know how they shall be treated.  We've all seen examples of both.

Susan's is an extremely high quality forum, in my opinion the best in terms of intelligent debate, community, support and useful information.  (You would cry at the junk we have in Spain, with trolls and heaven knows what else!)   Susan's is a sanctuary for many of us at times, as well as being a place where we have made friends.  I want to maintain the wonderful vibe we have here.   

I find our Mods to be pro-active and measured in how they keep things running smooth and steady.

Hugs to you all - great topic Suzi!

J

Quote from: Julia-Madrid on August 23, 2014, 06:52:54 AM
Susan's is an extremely high quality forum, in my opinion the best in terms of intelligent debate, community, support and useful information.  (You would cry at the junk we have in Spain, with trolls and heaven knows what else!)   Susan's is a sanctuary for many of us at times, as well as being a place where we have made friends.  I want to maintain the wonderful vibe we have here.   

I find our Mods to be pro-active and measured in how they keep things running smooth and steady.

Hugs to you all - great topic Suzi!

J

I agree that the mods and admins do a great job. In my opinion, they are underappreciated for the amount of work that they do. All of us here are faced with challenges that deeply affect us and those around us, so there is always that balance between being open on important topics while ensuring that the negatives of a discussion do not outweigh the positives. I think that balance is found here.

The topic of the OP is a good one in that, in general, those that first come here are those that need the most help and education on the topic. Most likely, they are sensitive to initial responses as well. 

If anyone ever sees someone (new or not) being disrespected or being disrespectful the best course of action is to use the "report" link. :)

Personally I'd like to see more members posting more "hellos" in the intro thread. The mods do welcome all, and yes we have the stock greeting with links etc, but where possible at least try to add a few personalised comments (not always possible) - however it would be great if more members chimed in too. Even if it was one or two greetings per visit that would result in many more newbies feeling welcome to the space.

Quote from: suzifrommd on August 22, 2014, 07:18:42 PM
Recently, I observed a brand new member of this site being given a very hard time by longtime site members for asking an honest question. This really bothered me, and brought back memories of a traumatic night. When I first was questioning my gender, and I had no idea what might be wrong with me, I ventured a timid post on Susan's asking whether people thought I belonged.

One of the very first replies came from someone who told me they were uncomfortable having me post here, because it appeared I was "cisgender". I didn't know what that meant, so I promised to look it up, and if I thought it fit, I would accommodate their wishes and not return. When I learned what it meant, I decided I clearly did not belong here, and that I wouldn't bother the members of Susan's with any further posts.

I almost didn't come back.

Can you imagine where I'd be today if I hadn't? But after a mostly sleepless night spent upset that I hadn't found a safe place to talk about what was eating me, I awoke early and had a few extra minutes in the morning. My computer was already logged on, so I decided to check my thread one more time. There was one more post, strongly disagreeing with the member who thought I didn't belong here. That was enough for me to stay for one more day, which produced a parade of people welcoming me to the site.

My point is that when someone joins this site, they are in a very delicate place. If we start picking apart their language or use their thread to perpetuate a feud with other members, we can EASILY drive someone away who desperately needs us.

So please, please, PLEASE, be gentle with new members. Please answer their posts with sensitivity and empathy. Please understand that they are often hanging on our every word and that we might be providing the only support, support someone desperately needs.

I have to second this ^^___^^. During my early days here I was in a very fragile dark place. Luckily for me I was only greeted with loving sympathy and much needed support. And I was lifted out of that place of darkness and despair within a few days. Thank you Suzi for posting this. We all need to remember how fragile we were upon joining this Wonderful community.

Ali :icon_flower:

Quote from: Pikachu on August 23, 2014, 03:24:44 AM
However, if we are indeed referring to the recent incident Declan alluded to, I really can't understand what was inappropriate about the way some people responded. That person was not trans or questioning and neither was their partner. They also didn't come to our forum to learn about us. They came to us because their partner expressed interest in having sexual relationships with trans women. I found this offensive and still do. I don't understand what support we were supposed to offer this person. Their problem really had nothing to do with us. We are not in some special position to give advice on that sort of thing simply because we are transgender, and we are not marriage counselors. They were also not respectful when asking for advice.

Report it and remember TOS

7. Leave moderation to the moderators! Susan and her staff are the only people who are authorized to deny anyone access to this web site including telling someone to leave, or to stop discussing a topic.  If someone wishes to discuss a subject that you are not interested in,  suggest a new subject; go to another of the many areas on this site; or ignore that person, topic, or discussion. If you feel a person's post violates the rules of this site use the report this post function.

It is not members responsibility to deal with these situations. It is their duty to report it and let the appropriate steps be taken. A lurker who maybe would have joined could have been scared off by the responses and anger that poster received. If you are offended or triggered, report the post plain and simple.  :)

Quote from: Phoenix_2812 on August 23, 2014, 04:21:34 AM
I think this is a good, sensible thing to suggest.

I do however have something I'd like to add. I've never been overly fond of the initial post(s) made by mods on topics by new members. It's basically the same thing everytime and not very personal or much of a response to the original poster, as in, giving advice. No offence intended, of course, I just think that if mods are going to post to say "Hi", it would be nice if it was more than just reposting the rules and links to topics about post ranks and when and how new members can change avatars and signatures with a fairly generic welcome message. I'm sorry if this comes across as really negative, it's not my intention. I really like how people are welcoming and understanding towards new members on this forum and would love to see more happily informed new members join our ranks.

Thank you for your comments.

Have to remember for us its there first post or a post they started for us to get them to understand the forum has rules.

Yes its cookie cutter.

For me its striking a balance to a normal welcome to adding comments.

Comes down to information given by the new poster.

Many of us mods also will pop in after the original welcome to offer our welcome along with comments if the can be helpful.

So yes cookie cutter but is greatly needed to help keep this site running with least amount trouble. 

We are always open to suggestions to help make things more user welcome.

Mrs Izzy

Quote from: Phoenix_2812 on August 23, 2014, 04:21:34 AM
I do however have something I'd like to add. I've never been overly fond of the initial post(s) made by mods on topics by new members. It's basically the same thing everytime and not very personal or much of a response to the original poster, as in, giving advice.

Do you realize how many people we have join here every day? If we did not cookie cutter the welcomes we would literally have no time for Moderating. This is why we need members to welcome people as well. It is not right that breast topics get pages of replies and introduction post's get one or two REPLIES. Please don't judge us or be upset if you have no idea what all of our duties are. At last count we had close to 20,000 members registered and only 10 Global moderators. See the problem?  :)

I just don't respond in those kinds of threads because I know I like to be an animal. I'd love to contribute and make corrections to people's knowledge but I need to pull in the reins every once in a while.

Quote from: Declan. on August 23, 2014, 02:57:08 AM
I agree with you, Malachite. I do understand where some of the people asking for some extra patience and kindness are coming from, but I'm not at all happy about how longtime members were raked over the coals for not responding as sweetly as they could have. When it's someone who needs support because a loved one is transgender, and their post comes off as transphobic or ignorant, I'm gentle. However, someone coming here to post about how they're upset about their partner's fetish for transgender women isn't necessarily going to receive the same careful treatment from me. Maybe that's wrong of me, but what's also wrong is publicly belittling other members for reacting with frustration or even anger. A polite mod comment is more than enough. We deal with enough without having to deal with attacks from each other.

Report it and remember TOS

7. Leave moderation to the moderators! Susan and her staff are the only people who are authorized to deny anyone access to this web site including telling someone to leave, or to stop discussing a topic.  If someone wishes to discuss a subject that you are not interested in,  suggest a new subject; go to another of the many areas on this site; or ignore that person, topic, or discussion. If you feel a person's post violates the rules of this site use the report this post function.

It is not members responsibility to deal with these situations. It is their duty to report it and let the appropriate steps be taken. A lurker who maybe would have joined could have been scared off by the responses and anger that poster received. If you are offended or triggered, report the post plain and simple.  :)

Quote from: Declan. on August 23, 2014, 02:57:08 AM
When it's someone who needs support because a loved one is transgender, and their post comes off as transphobic or ignorant, I'm gentle. However, someone coming here to post about how they're upset about their partner's fetish for transgender women isn't necessarily going to receive the same careful treatment from me.

Quote from: Pikachu on August 23, 2014, 03:24:44 AM
Suzi's original post makes it sound like we're talking about new members who are trans or questioning, in which case I would show nothing but love and support to, even if they came in with a completely misinformed idea of us and used all the wrong terminology and wording.

However, if we are indeed referring to the recent incident Declan alluded to, I really can't understand what was inappropriate about the way some people responded. That person was not trans or questioning and neither was their partner. They also didn't come to our forum to learn about us.

This seems to imply that there are some advice-seekers who deserve ultimate decorum and support, while others do not, and that we can always tell by reading a single post written in haste which category they belong to.

Am I the only person uncomfortable with this?

Quote from: suzifrommd on August 23, 2014, 10:06:46 AM
This seems to imply that there are some advice-seekers who deserve ultimate decorum and support, while others do not, and that we can always tell by reading a single post written in haste which category they belong to.

Am I the only person uncomfortable with this?

It's not a matter of being deserving of kindness in my eyes, it's a matter of whether or not I'm concerned coming across as harsh will do more harm than good. In this particular case, I didn't consider the person as someone in need of support from a transgender message board. This was an issue of education. If she had been someone trying to work through a crisis in which her spouse had come out to her as transgender, and not being careful could result in her leaving and not having anyone to turn to, that's different to me. Am I wrong? Perhaps, but that's not my point. I still wasn't harsh towards her - I was harsh towards those who were posting passive-aggressive and condescending remarks about other members. When there are only one or two people being harsh in a thread, it's obvious who those remarks are made towards. Mind as well quote their posts and directly attack them.

I prefer to reply to posts only when I can offer something constructive to say. I saw the original thread and it was probably the wrong place to ask such questions. But if you are thrown such a scenario who do you ask for more information?. Some people left helpful constructive comments. Others I was ashamed to read.

I concur with Suzy and the mods. If we meet hostility / poor language with hostility then it is a downward spiral which helps no one. Time for me to walk away.

well, I didn't respond to that post, I started to in a helpful manner suggesting therapy for the SO's view towards me, but I tend to trigger easily on certain subjects and my reply stated out nice but was rapidly going  south so I  deleted .I  can only guess why some one would tell a loving wife with a  beautiful child that he wanted to do that  why in the world would you want to do that. very upsetting to me at all levels

Not sure what this post is in reference to, but I've felt nothing but love from the members of the forum. Of which I'm thankful for. Maybe I'm biased but I don't get how anyone on this board would be anything but nice to new members unless the new member is an obvious troll. Which is way different from someone wording something wrong, I believe.

That being said, I would report first should I see something I saw troll-like rather than feed the troll. But again, I'm clueless as to any incident in question.

Quote from: Declan. on August 23, 2014, 10:36:49 AM
It's not a matter of being deserving of kindness in my eyes, it's a matter of whether or not I'm concerned coming across as harsh will do more harm than good. In this particular case, I didn't consider the person as someone in need of support from a transgender message board.

Remember, you are not a moderator and should report the post in question, not handle it yourself. If a topic is triggering go to another topic.  :)

I must have missed that thread, it's what happens when I camp out on FB for days at a time..

As someone who replied to a post about asking how to deal with the lack of growth, the thread began to spiral outside the lines of being supportive, and I posted an apology.  In the thread, I saw I was being cruel and insensitive, and Im never that.  And it hurt me..  I'm not going to blame it on the mob mentality but I guess that's what happened.  I saw some responses were killed off, I removed one of mine, well, just because.. 

I have seen a few others here as well, that, even after several readings, still looked very troll-like, hence, garnering the replies it received, only to find, the post really was made in earnest.  Some got slapped, others retracted, one or two,  seemed to say, "eh, well, you shudda told us.."  Suzi, and others remembered what our first crazy-scared posts were like, and the replies could have nearly cost lives.

I am truly sorry for any insensitivity I may have ever portrayed, to anyone. New or old.   Mods do a thankless job, and yes.. 10 globals for nearly 20,000 members.. it's a tough job.  It should be paid (ik), but I wouldn't want it.

I know I will, forever now, remember where I was in my mind when I read a first post, or hear the terror in a new girl or guys message.

Quote from: suzifrommd on August 23, 2014, 10:06:46 AM
This seems to imply that there are some advice-seekers who deserve ultimate decorum and support, while others do not, and that we can always tell by reading a single post written in haste which category they belong to.

Am I the only person uncomfortable with this?

This was also my concern Suzi. We can't always know the details about a person's circumstance or what their intent is by a single online posting. In this case the person came to us seeking help. The least we could do is be nice and helpful to her, even if what she was asking about didn't particularly pertain to our community. Why can't we just respond nicely to her concerns?

What made it worse was the OP apologized ahead of time for any wrong terminology she may have addressed unknowingly. Some of the members could have helped her become educated about how to address our community and the terminology we use, but sadly decided to persecute her.  :(

Quote from: suzifrommd on August 23, 2014, 10:06:46 AM
This seems to imply that there are some advice-seekers who deserve ultimate decorum and support, while others do not, and that we can always tell by reading a single post written in haste which category they belong to.

Am I the only person uncomfortable with this?

Me too, Suzi. While it was unfolding, I understood why some members were balking, but I was hoping that we could all see that the OP was clearly in distress, didn't know where to turn, and reached out to us. It was obvious that she had no knowledge of our world. While I agree that this may not have been the best place to pose those questions, it was an opportunity for us to demonstrate compassion. I know we can all do better. I pray we all learned something valuable from this. Love to all,
-ellie

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on August 23, 2014, 11:42:26 AM
Remember, you are not a moderator and should report the post in question, not handle it yourself. If a topic is triggering go to another topic.  :)

If I'm not allowed to share opinions on how other members are acting, they shouldn't be able to either. Frankly, I had no idea it was against the rules to post unless you agree with someone.

Quote from: Declan. on August 23, 2014, 01:33:29 PM
If I'm not allowed to share opinions on how other members are acting, they shouldn't be able to either. Frankly, I had no idea it was against the rules to post unless you agree with someone.

You are missing the point. It is OK to disagree, just temper the response a little.  :)

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on August 23, 2014, 01:44:22 PM
You are missing the point.

No, I don't think he is.

Funny how this thread started out as a plea to be sensitive to others, and it is gradually devolving into something that is quite the opposite: judgment and self-justification and even some rule-bending. Might I suggest that some of us take a deep breath and maybe even go do something else for a little while before responding to this thread again?

And, yes, I counted to ten a couple of times and then deleted my original unvarnished response.

Quote from: Arch on August 23, 2014, 03:06:22 PM
No, I don't think he is.

Funny how this thread started out as a plea to be sensitive to others, and it is gradually devolving into something that is quite the opposite: judgment and self-justification and even some rule-bending.

I apologize to all then. I did not realize I was out of line. I will sign out. Sorry everyone.  :(

I wish you had told me this in a PM though.  :(

Quote from: Declan. on August 23, 2014, 10:36:49 AM
It's not a matter of being deserving of kindness in my eyes, it's a matter of whether or not I'm concerned coming across as harsh will do more harm than good. In this particular case, I didn't consider the person as someone in need of support from a transgender message board. So then a SO is only allowed to this board for help if she has a spouse the is or feels they are transgender period... Just so you know the mission statement for Susan's is as Every one is welcome at Susan's Place provided you follow a few basic rules: This site is an open support area, and is not generally sexually oriented. The purpose of this site is to provide peer support, and to provide a forum for the discussion of issues related to gender and may include Transsexualism, Transvestism, Crossdressing, or other related topics. This web site exists to offer constructive input and support.
This was an issue of education. If she had been someone trying to work through a crisis in which her spouse had come out to her as transgender, and not being careful could result in her leaving and not having anyone to turn to, that's different to me. Am I wrong? The posting of messages on the chat or forums which are of a threatening tone; intended solely to communicate sarcasm, contempt, or derision; are intended to belittle or ridicule a person or group; to disgust the viewer; contain obscene or pornographic materials; which are intended to titillate; or which depicts illegal acts; will not be permitted.
Perhaps, but that's not my point. I still wasn't harsh towards her - I was harsh towards those who were posting passive-aggressive and condescending remarks about other members. Bashing or flaming of any individuals or groups is not acceptable behavior on this web site and will not be tolerated in the slightest for any reason.  This includes but is not limited to:
    Advocating the separation or exclusion of one or more group from under the Transgender umbrella term
    Suggesting or claiming that one segment or sub-segment of our community is more legitimate, deserving, or more real than any others When there are only one or two people being harsh in a thread, it's obvious who those remarks are made towards. Mind as well quote their posts and directly attack them.

And always If someone wishes to discuss a subject that you are not interested in,  suggest a new subject; go to another of the many areas on this site; or ignore that person, topic, or discussion. If you feel a person's post violates the rules of this site use the report this post function.

I have read close that whole thread after the fact. I have also now since you seem to have a agenda also read back on your posts. I am disappointed in how your post read. Just saying.

So i have added a few comments is all, my knowledge and opinions on how this site works.

I was looking for a safe place to split this topic but truly is not any good place.

So suzi you started this great thread would you like it locked and then start another?

If you do start another it need to be reported when it gets out of topic.

So suzi your call.

Isabell

Quote from: suzifrommd on August 22, 2014, 07:18:42 PM
Recently, I observed a brand new member of this site being given a very hard time by longtime site members for asking an honest question. This really bothered me, and brought back memories of a traumatic night. When I first was questioning my gender, and I had no idea what might be wrong with me, I ventured a timid post on Susan's asking whether people thought I belonged.

One of the very first replies came from someone who told me they were uncomfortable having me post here, because it appeared I was "cisgender". I didn't know what that meant, so I promised to look it up, and if I thought it fit, I would accommodate their wishes and not return. When I learned what it meant, I decided I clearly did not belong here, and that I wouldn't bother the members of Susan's with any further posts.

I almost didn't come back.

Can you imagine where I'd be today if I hadn't? But after a mostly sleepless night spent upset that I hadn't found a safe place to talk about what was eating me, I awoke early and had a few extra minutes in the morning. My computer was already logged on, so I decided to check my thread one more time. There was one more post, strongly disagreeing with the member who thought I didn't belong here. That was enough for me to stay for one more day, which produced a parade of people welcoming me to the site.

My point is that when someone joins this site, they are in a very delicate place. If we start picking apart their language or use their thread to perpetuate a feud with other members, we can EASILY drive someone away who desperately needs us.

So please, please, PLEASE, be gentle with new members. Please answer their posts with sensitivity and empathy. Please understand that they are often hanging on our every word and that we might be providing the only support, support someone desperately needs.

Was this honest question per chance to do with her concern for husband's interest in TS porn? In which case that thread was locked. The member base had a difference of opinion and both sides raised valid concerns. How you could defend that woman however is beyond me.

As a relative, if somewhat outspoken 'newbie' on this site, I have spent more than half my time here on a "Watched" or "Moderated" list/status.

I understand that while my perspective might differ significantly from the majority, based on a significantly different experience, my comments can easily be misconstrued or misunderstood based on the past (possibly negative), experience of some of the other users here.  For this reason, I welcome constructive criticism from the mods and other members on the forum.  In my mind, education is a two way street.

"We are always open to suggestions to help make things more user welcome." ~Ms. Izzy

My suggestion would be for the mods, when they send the moderation warnings, SIGN those warnings, or provide some method to seek further clarification of guidance on how to improve their communication or commenting skills.

Thank you

Quote from: Arch on August 23, 2014, 03:06:22 PM
No, I don't think he is.

Funny how this thread started out as a plea to be sensitive to others, and it is gradually devolving into something that is quite the opposite: judgment and self-justification and even some rule-bending. Might I suggest that some of us take a deep breath and maybe even go do something else for a little while before responding to this thread again?

And, yes, I counted to ten a couple of times and then deleted my original unvarnished response.

Hit the nail on the head.

Quote from: mrs izzy on August 23, 2014, 03:31:48 PM


And always If someone wishes to discuss a subject that you are not interested in,  suggest a new subject; go to another of the many areas on this site; or ignore that person, topic, or discussion. If you feel a person's post violates the rules of this site use the report this post function.

I have read close that whole thread after the fact. I have also now since you seem to have a agenda also read back on your posts. I am disappointed in how your post read. Just saying.

So i have added a few comments is all, my knowledge and opinions on how this site works.

This wasn't a matter of not being interested in the discussion. I gave advice to the OP and wasn't harsh. After I gave her advice, some other members did as well, and then the thread devolved into a dogpile. I spoke up because I didn't appreciate the condescending tones of several posts. It was blatantly obvious who the posts were targeted towards because only one person on the thread had been harsh. I am not sure what my "agenda" is other than being unhappy about watching regular members and staff members alike dogpiling on a single person.

There were no posts to report, either. It's not against the rules to be condescending. How could you ever hope to moderate something that vague? Why would I want to waste the staff's time reporting that many people, including staff members, for something that's not even against the rules? If it's against the rules for me to complain about members being condescending, it should be against the rules for others to complain about members being "ugly," "rude" and so on. Otherwise, it's a huge double-standard.

Y'know what? This thread is locked.

Sorry Suzi you had a great idea for a thread but seems that everyone is right and no one is wrong.

So i locked the tread.

Quote from: Ms Grace on August 23, 2014, 05:06:57 PM
Y'know what? This thread is locked.

Think i might have beat you to it, but if not yes done.

I am going to make my dinner and review all the treads and then see where some might stand. Or i stand on things.

One last word for now: When people are being condescending, they are not acting in the spirit of the site. If a thread is turning into a dogpile, report the whole thread. It's not a waste of mod time to investigate, I assure you.

Sometimes we make mistakes in an attempt to act quickly and halt ugly behavior--a few individuals wind up getting caught in the net who probably shouldn't. We do our best to rectify such situations and issue an apology.

And now I'm going to apologize for making Jessica think that I was criticizing her. I wasn't.

I am sorry, Jessica.