Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey all,

Another long, intense, and somewhat bleak post, even if it comes from a place of security, wisdom, and deep self-awareness.

After everything that's happened this summer, I should be excited to be heading back to school.  I got a really fantastic job with a theatre festival up in New York, which I lost after only a week (which may or may not have had something to do with my being trans*).  I wound up back home with my family, which was hellish.  I spent a lot of time depressed, and trying to figure myself.  But-I feel like I've made it out of the woods in many ways.  I finally feel secure, genuinely secure with my identity.  I know just about everything I can about myself, and it's like a veil has been lifted from my eyes.  I've been mentoring a girl who is just beginning her transition, we've known one anther for just three weeks and already we're like sisters.  I feel something I've never felt before: wise, if that doesn't sound too mad.  And it's so liberating to know that (contrary to everything I've been told my entire life) that I can actually have a positive impact on someone else's life.  I'm finally building a social life for myself here, a chosen family.  A tribe.  I'm going to lose that when I go back to New York, and I don't know if I can handle that loss.

Backstory forthcoming: I used to act in High School; I was quite good at it, at least by our standards, and I considered trying to make a career of it.  I loved performing, but that's not why I loved theatre.  It was the only place where I felt like I could be the very flamboient fem boy I was then without feeling unsafe.  I was part of a large, dysfunctional, loving family.  That sense of belonging was something I had never felt before.  So when I decided to transition I immediately accepted that I would have to give up acting, but still wanted theatre to be a part of my life.  At least I thought I did.  So I went into costume design on a whim, still wanting to be a part of that family.  I've been in a conservatory for two years now; I love the work that I'm doing.  But I don't feel like I'm part of a family anymore, and that scares me, since it's the only reason I'm going into this business to begin with.  To be blunt, the people that do tech are not my people.  I know now that I didn't want to work in theatre, not really.  I wanted to be part of a family, and I'm not finding that where I am now.

Part of this is my own fault.  I went into my transition before I was ready, and when I first got to collage I was still working through a lot of stuff!  I wasn't my best self.  I got involved with the campus LGBT community and managed to piss off a lot of people badly enough that I still haven't so much as tried to go back to one of their meetings.  Once I started hormones, my moods got a bit messed up, so that managed to scare everyone off.  Lost an entire semester's worth of work, which means 5 years of school instead of 4.  The only close friends I had on campus abandoned me.  Anyways, things haven't really changed.  I have one close friend on campus, and that is literally it.  With my workload, I don't really have much time to just be social, like everyone keeps telling me to.  And I really wish I could just go out and make friends, but I still have issues in social situations.

I still need to improve a lot about myself and how I interact with other people, and for all the progress I made this summer I feel like it'll all reverse once I'm back sleeping six hours a night and working pretty much every minute that I'm not.  I need to change myself if I don't want to wind up completely isolated.  I'm afraid that I can't change enough, or quickly enough.  Everyone already has their judgments about who I am, how I'm unworthy of their friendship.  And the people in my program-they're the people I see every second of every day.  It's hard to be a better person when you know that everyone around you for the most part is passing judgment; it's only natural to feel a bit defensive, right?  Which is ironically a lot like what my blood family does to me.  They bring out the worst in me.

And then when I ask myself who in my program I actually want to be friends with, I can't answer that question.  I went into this field because I wanted to surround myself with "my people", but I'm realizing now that the people who work tech are not my people at all.  I don't feel a kinship with them; I don't belong in their tribe.  What I've been searching for my entire life has been a sense of belonging, and realizing that I'm not going to find it where I am now is frightening as can be.  Because right now, I need a tribe.  I need to be around my own people, people who think on the same wavelength as I do and who value the same things-knowledge, discourse, storytelling.  Not at all like my peers.  And I'm realizing that this ordeal I decided to go through in order to work as part of a family isn't a family at all.  Or, I suppose it is A family.  But it's not MY family. 

So I'm going back in two days.  I'm scared as hell because I know that when I get there I won't be able to be a sweet and kind person all of the time.  My anxiety will come back.  I'll be overworked, and slave to my own perfectionism.  I'll be miserable.  Whenever someone talks about having a great night out with friends I'll fight to hold back tears, knowing that I might never experience that.  I'm still alone, and I cannot continue to live like this.  But of course I can't see any solution in sight. 

So my question to you all is this: How did you find your tribes, chosen families, close friends?  And how can I do the same?  Because I need one really badly right now.

You really can't force it. What I've found is that when you let that inner you shine and are able to just be you, people see that, and friends come to you. Just like that. That social anxiety about just being social can be seen, and can be a barrier toward making those connections. Even if you could force it (which it sounds like you're not in a place to do), that's not really a good idea. Twenty, forty, even sixty people you socialize with do not even come close to a single one who actually gives a damn about you.

I really don't think there's any way to do it besides genuine self-confidence. Maybe someone much wiser will come along and correct me, since I dearly wish I could say something you might want to hear a little more than this.

Whatever may come, I hope you find your people.

Much love.

Jera hon,

No, you hit it on the head pretty much!  And I know that-I guess it's just that the person I want to be still needs some work, you know?  Just to be a bit sweeter, less nervous, and a bit more patient from time to time.  The person I am inside isn't 100% percent somone I should be showing!  So I'm working to change some things about them.  I'm looking for those few that actually give a damn; so far, less luck than I'd like but who knows?  Perhaps it'll happen.  Or perhaps I'll be doomed to a life of misery which I cut off at a premature age.  Who knows what tomorrow holds.

Thanks, it means a lot.  It really does.  Sorry for not replying to your msg by the way; heavy introspection takes its toll on the mind!

Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on August 23, 2014, 03:24:49 AM
So my question to you all is this: How did you find your tribes, chosen families, close friends?  And how can I do the same?  Because I need one really badly right now.

By chance and by being myself. I met some of my friends through events I went to and met other friends through them. In the past couple years, I went from pretty much no friends to a whole bunch who seem to actually like me (not something I'm used to). I agree you can't force it. You just gotta reach out, be yourself, and wait to see who reaches back I guess.

I identify with everything you said to almost a freakish extent.  All but my being involved in the theatrical arts.  I took the opposing route and played baseball.  However, I did want to take drama desperately, mostly because I felt that I'd be more comfortable with "those kids."  Also because I feel that I'm a natural actor and I appreciate the nuances of filmmaking and production - the various styles, etc.  I'd have been good.  I was "forced" to audition for Tom Sawyer, along with about 300 boys in the 7th grade and I got the part.  I was told that I stole the show, and I did.  Then I got made fun of afterward, so I did no more acting.  I also wanted to take filmmaking in college.  I'm a strong writer.  I've won writing contests.  I know how to format a screenplay and everything.  I have a few concepts that I'll sooner or later put to paper, whether they end up as anything I don't know.

I know what you mean as far as needing to hold back tears when hearing others speak of their exploits and all.  It sucks.  I also know exactly how you feel when you say that you feel like your compelled to act in ways you don't want based off of the perception of others.

The best advice I could give you is don't be so tense, or rather, just be you.  I literally put on a front and acted in a totally different manner than I wanted.  Like I said, I'm a natural actor.  I did the whole baseball thing, 2x MVP and all, but I have no friends to show for it.  I'm tribe-less to the fullest extent and it's really a lonely life.  I'm use to it now I guess, but I'm really not.  I breakdown a lot and there's never anyone there to say or do anything.  You don't want that.  I can't help but feel like if I had just been myself then I'd have found and maintained friends and been happier for it.  I needed to find "my people," but when you aren't presenting yourself to the world for who you are, that's impossible.  I guess what I'm saying is; be yourself (typical as it sounds)...

Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on August 23, 2014, 04:00:50 AM
No, you hit it on the head pretty much!  And I know that-I guess it's just that the person I want to be still needs some work, you know?  Just to be a bit sweeter, less nervous, and a bit more patient from time to time.  The person I am inside isn't 100% percent somone I should be showing!  So I'm working to change some things about them.  I'm looking for those few that actually give a damn; so far, less luck than I'd like but who knows?  Perhaps it'll happen.  Or perhaps I'll be doomed to a life of misery which I cut off at a premature age.  Who knows what tomorrow holds.

I don't think anyone fully shows themselves 100%. Everybody everywhere has dark, ugly parts of us we don't want to share. If it's your goal to diminish or remove those traits entirely, that's okay. Usually that's a spiritual thing but it's a quest that can last a lifetime. If you mean to do that before trying to make friends, you might be waiting for a long, long time.

It's really more about being genuine about the parts of you that you do show, not about baring it all to the world. For example, don't tell people you like things that you actually don't, just because you want to impress somebody you might like.

There's a lot of good, beautiful things about you, and I suspect you know that, too. There's good, beautiful things that you're going to college for, that bring you joy. Embrace those things. Revel in them! Radiate that joy, publicly if you want to, and the right people will be drawn to it, like moths to your imperfect flame. Maybe some more than others, but they will come. The right people tend to forgive the darker sides of us.

Find your joy and share it with whomever might pass by. You'll find people who revel in sharing these things with you, soon enough. I have no doubt that if you do, you'll soon have your own stories about great nights with friends to share. :)

Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on August 23, 2014, 03:24:49 AM
Hey all,

Another long, intense, and somewhat bleak post, even if it comes from a place of security, wisdom, and deep self-awareness.

After everything that's happened this summer, I should be excited to be heading back to school.  I got a really fantastic job with a theatre festival up in New York, which I lost after only a week (which may or may not have had something to do with my being trans*).  I wound up back home with my family, which was hellish.  I spent a lot of time depressed, and trying to figure myself.  But-I feel like I've made it out of the woods in many ways.  I finally feel secure, genuinely secure with my identity.  I know just about everything I can about myself, and it's like a veil has been lifted from my eyes.  I've been mentoring a girl who is just beginning her transition, we've known one anther for just three weeks and already we're like sisters.  I feel something I've never felt before: wise, if that doesn't sound too mad.  And it's so liberating to know that (contrary to everything I've been told my entire life) that I can actually have a positive impact on someone else's life.  I'm finally building a social life for myself here, a chosen family.  A tribe.  I'm going to lose that when I go back to New York, and I don't know if I can handle that loss.

Backstory forthcoming: I used to act in High School; I was quite good at it, at least by our standards, and I considered trying to make a career of it.  I loved performing, but that's not why I loved theatre.  It was the only place where I felt like I could be the very flamboient fem boy I was then without feeling unsafe.  I was part of a large, dysfunctional, loving family.  That sense of belonging was something I had never felt before.  So when I decided to transition I immediately accepted that I would have to give up acting, but still wanted theatre to be a part of my life.  At least I thought I did.  So I went into costume design on a whim, still wanting to be a part of that family.  I've been in a conservatory for two years now; I love the work that I'm doing.  But I don't feel like I'm part of a family anymore, and that scares me, since it's the only reason I'm going into this business to begin with.  To be blunt, the people that do tech are not my people.  I know now that I didn't want to work in theatre, not really.  I wanted to be part of a family, and I'm not finding that where I am now.

Part of this is my own fault.  I went into my transition before I was ready, and when I first got to collage I was still working through a lot of stuff!  I wasn't my best self.  I got involved with the campus LGBT community and managed to piss off a lot of people badly enough that I still haven't so much as tried to go back to one of their meetings.  Once I started hormones, my moods got a bit messed up, so that managed to scare everyone off.  Lost an entire semester's worth of work, which means 5 years of school instead of 4.  The only close friends I had on campus abandoned me.  Anyways, things haven't really changed.  I have one close friend on campus, and that is literally it.  With my workload, I don't really have much time to just be social, like everyone keeps telling me to.  And I really wish I could just go out and make friends, but I still have issues in social situations.

I still need to improve a lot about myself and how I interact with other people, and for all the progress I made this summer I feel like it'll all reverse once I'm back sleeping six hours a night and working pretty much every minute that I'm not.  I need to change myself if I don't want to wind up completely isolated.  I'm afraid that I can't change enough, or quickly enough.  Everyone already has their judgments about who I am, how I'm unworthy of their friendship.  And the people in my program-they're the people I see every second of every day.  It's hard to be a better person when you know that everyone around you for the most part is passing judgment; it's only natural to feel a bit defensive, right?  Which is ironically a lot like what my blood family does to me.  They bring out the worst in me.

And then when I ask myself who in my program I actually want to be friends with, I can't answer that question.  I went into this field because I wanted to surround myself with "my people", but I'm realizing now that the people who work tech are not my people at all.  I don't feel a kinship with them; I don't belong in their tribe.  What I've been searching for my entire life has been a sense of belonging, and realizing that I'm not going to find it where I am now is frightening as can be.  Because right now, I need a tribe.  I need to be around my own people, people who think on the same wavelength as I do and who value the same things-knowledge, discourse, storytelling.  Not at all like my peers.  And I'm realizing that this ordeal I decided to go through in order to work as part of a family isn't a family at all.  Or, I suppose it is A family.  But it's not MY family. 

So I'm going back in two days.  I'm scared as hell because I know that when I get there I won't be able to be a sweet and kind person all of the time.  My anxiety will come back.  I'll be overworked, and slave to my own perfectionism.  I'll be miserable.  Whenever someone talks about having a great night out with friends I'll fight to hold back tears, knowing that I might never experience that.  I'm still alone, and I cannot continue to live like this.  But of course I can't see any solution in sight. 

So my question to you all is this: How did you find your tribes, chosen families, close friends?  And how can I do the same?  Because I need one really badly right now.

Hey I am kinda in your situation, I feel very isolated all the time, I have plenty of friends that think of me as Michael, the tattooed war veteran truck driver, none of them know of cristy and all would more than likely turn their backs on me somewhat if they new, infact I live in the deep south and there are traditional Christian conservatives that are my biological family so yeah im not going to have any family soon myself. My opinion is that you shouldn't have to earn somebodies friendship, or change who you are for anyone, I realize that we all have flaws and its hard to not judge others, I for one am friends with anyone as long as their not hatefull, we all have bad days and in any relationship you have to look past the bad days and flaws and see people for who they really are. If they cant look past that and see that your a wonderfull person then that there loss. I for one would love to have friends like you. You seem honest and thoughtful, and you look real pretty so they can all bite your ass lol! And true friends and family don't abandon you.

Also.  Just found out that surgery isn't happening this winter.  Which has been literally the only thing keeping me from smashing my mirror recently.    :( >:( ??? :'( >:(

finding your family, unless you were born into the right one, takes a whole lot of networking. networking requires excess energy, which is something most people get from spending time either alone or with friends. you're probably of the social type who needs time with good friends, and that's difficult to accomplish unless you're in a state where you won't reject people almost by default out of too much fear and/or anger.

it seems you are dealing a whole lot with unresolved anger issues, and that will make people stay away from you. your fear will also make it more difficult for you to approach people. dealing with these kinds of things can take years, but learning to control it doesn't have to take too much time. learning to control only requires observing what triggers different reactions, and then emotionally, mentally, or physically stepping away from the situation or conversation that is triggering, and then react in a different way than what instinct tells you. focusing on that before or while trying to fix yourself into a better and more positive person is likely to help you build the social network that you need.

becoming happy, not angry, unafraid of other people and their reactions, isn't always as easy as changing your outlook on the world. it can take a whole lot of self reflection, self searching, and seriously looking at yourself in the mirror. finding your faults, finding your regrets, bitterness, the mechanisms that lead you to make choices that you now know didn't take you to the place where you wanted to be. realizing how you've always had a choice, and that many things that you've been thinking forced you to make your choice, actually mostly were things that were more important for you at the time, though often unconsciously. it's a matter of making up with yourself and your own stupidity in the past. you can't change other people or force them to realize their mistakes. but you can change yourself and make up with yourself, and even forgive yourself for things that you've regretted for a long time.

coming to terms with your past, making up with yourself, and consciously considering the reasons for your own choices, will make the fear of other people disappear. when you know why something is right for you, and that it really is right for you in your current situation, you won't feel a need to justify everything that you do. the need to justify everything comes from an insecurity about whether you are really doing the right thing. when you know something is right, you stand in a much more secure position in your relation to the world and other people. it's a wonderful thing to be able to tell people that i dye my hair blue simply because i like the color, and knowing deep inside that this is good enough reason for me, so other people can just accept or disagree as they like. it won't change my mind about it. and it really should be the same with every other decision that i make.

one of the things you say, that seems rather concerning, is that you don't feel comfortable in your current environment. i'm not sure how far you are in your education, maybe the best choice will be to just finish. but you should not feel obliged to stay on a path that you know is taking you to a place where you don't want to be. this is still a much easier choice than when my brother finally realized that his over 20 years long relationship with his girlfriend, who is also the mother of their three children, would never give him what he wanted from a relationship, and was even holding him back from doing many things that were actually very important to him. he had lost his social network because she wouldn't let him meet up with friends as often as he needed to, and she wasn't able to compensate for that loss. the only solution was to break up, with all the consequences that has, both for the children, her, and him. he's completely lost all financial security, could lose his housing any time, but is still happier than before because he can life his own life the way that is right for him. for him it was a matter of life or death, just the same as transition is for many trans people. but in the end, society still accepts divorce or similar more easily, interestingly enough. consider your options seriously when thinking about your education and job prospects. will following your current course take you to any place where you can feel good about yourself and the people you'll be surrounded with? and if not, is it still worth getting through it, for other reasons?

you also mention how your own perfectionism eats away all your spare time. that's not a good thing at all. perfectionism needs some limits, shutting yourself in won't help you with finding your tribe. if you're the type to work day and night from the start of a project, you might find it useful to make yourself a schedule with spare time plotted in. when i was dealing with too heavy anxiety and almost unlimited depression, i countered it by setting a strict schedule for myself, with a particularly strict sleep schedule. going to bed early enough was key in this matter, and also a determination to not discuss any of my worries with myself after bedtime.

it is generally helpful to spend 40-60 minutes every day on self reflection. put it into your schedule, as an activity like walking, yoga, or something else which doesn't have to do with work or school, and that you will only do at those times. use this time to reflect on your past, think about your future, possibilities, regrets, ways of fixing yourself. one of my colleagues uses the time when he commutes to and from work (45 min boat trip) to meditate, and insists that this is what gives him the energy to get through his days without getting upset over setbacks, lashing out at people, etc. another colleague gets up at 5 in the morning, answers emails from difficult people, and then meditates for an hour before driving to work. meditation in the morning is really effective for enabling yourself to deal with difficult days, so it's worth trying. meditation in the evening is more likely to just get you lost in difficult thoughts that you'll resolve much better the morning after. i'm not telling you to do this, but i highly recommend it for fixing yourself if you feel a need to do that.

another time that would probably do you good to take in your busy schedule, is an interest or hobby. many people find their best friends through their interests, so taking one evening off every week in order to pursue something that you really like, would probably help you find out where your tribe is at. taking a break where you can concentrate on something completely different also helps energize you, and makes it easier for you to get through your otherwise bleak days. there are many hobbies that don't require too much social skill, like chess, anime (watching together/discussing), music (going to concerts) etc. i found my best society in uni in the japan club. it was nerdy, and that's why i managed to get along rather than feel left out.

sorry for a ridiculously long post. it's just that i've been in a quite similar place to where you are now, and i know how hard it was to get out of it. so i'm throwing out my own experience, addressed to you, hoping some of it may help.