Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I was interested to know how everyone came out to their family members?

I know that in the near future I will be coming out to my family and have been trying to write a letter to my parents, but honestly, it's not going to well. I literally have 13+ letters written and still can't find the write way to write how I feel.  ???
Anyone have any tips, stories to share, cause I'm just stuck.

I had the therapist do it for me.

I just told my mom exactly how I felt while we were alone in the car one day. I was going to write a letter because I'm a very shy person, but I thought it was something that should be confessed out loud. My mom then told my dad and sister without any warning... which was kind of annoying but I'm also glad I don't have to have that awkward conversation with them.

For me I always felt like it needed to be one on one even if the other people in the room already knew. Once I was alone with the person I would just say " I want to let you know that I am (thinking of)/ starting the process of transitioning to female." Depending of course on whether I had started yet or not.

I would let them absorb that for a few seconds then answer any questions they have. If they didn't respond right away I told them that I was starting therapy sessions and I estimated 4-6 months before significant visible changes would occur, and that I would answer any questions they had whenever they wanted to ask me.

It was the same process for family friends and coworkers.

So far its worked well every time, but then again I don't think I willingly associate with the types who wouldn't accept me happily.

I wrote an announcement on Facebook for my friends and I was going the written letter route for my parents but I acted so awfully during my Father's Day/birthday dinner due to hating the food and my uncle calling me pretty. That whole scene caused my mom to ask what was going on, kept pressing me thiniing he might have done somethinh sexually towards me and I just told her my situation about being a boy. Then I told my older brother and since me and my dad are still on the silent treatment, mom told him. I have yet to come out to my uncle.

Mom: Oh that's it?
Brother: Very supportive.
Dad: Mom says he's fine with it.

I talked with my mother a few times to see what she knew about transgender and her feelings. Then I called her up to tell her and we had our ups and downs question wise but overall it was always positive. She pointed out that back in the days parents were taught that they had to raise girls one way and boys another and not allow any crossover and at the time that was considered the right thing to do but in hindsight she sees how wrong that was and the damage it caused. I wasn't expecting that and its helped me put aside a lot of hurt and anger especially towards my Dad. My mother in laws reaction was pretty hysterical. I just pulled her aside and told her. SHe was like well yeah I had always wondered it was pretty obvious and not unexpected. I have told only a few people thus far but it was one of those things where I was prepared to tell them because it would make it easier on me overall to get it out there than to keep to myself.

Post it on facebook and hopefully your parents stumble upon it

My entire family isn't very good at talking about our feelings so I, of course, did it over a Facebook group message to all to my siblings and everyone... Then once I got their responses, I told my mom.
I basically began with how I never felt like a girl... Bringing up past experiences. After that, I explained what being trans meant, not WANTING to be a guy but actually being a guy. After that, I explained behaviors of mine... Binding my chest, wearing men's clothing. I explained what testosterone would do for me. I said being called "she" broke my heart, told her my name, asked her what she would choose my name to be.. Finally, I told her that I knew it probably wouldn't be easy for her but I hoped for her acceptance.

The newspaper did it for me. I don't recommend that route.

I first came out to my father over the phone while he was at work.  He heard it in my voice that I was down so he asked me what was up.  I told him that I didn't want to tell him because he wouldn't understand and he said "try me" so I came out to him.  He immediately dismissed it as nonsense and barely let me get a word in after that.  As for my sister, I came out to her over the phone as well.  In that particular case, we were discussing the state of Israel and she talked about how she will pray for them, so I was kind of like "Oh guess what, I'm transgender."

My mental state began to deteriorate and it was obvious to those around me.  I basically broke down and it sort of just came out...

I initially did not intend to come out. I was home for winter break at that time, and two days before I had to fly back to US for new semester.
That night I was chatting online with another trans guy for a whole night.
Then in the morning, I did these things:

Wrote my mom a letter telling her about my decisions on T and surgeries.

Told my friend that I might need to stay in her house for a few days.

Packed my run-away bag.

Said goodbye to my dog.

Handed the letter to my mom.

Cried in her arms for the rest of the day...

well i wasn't really sure when i started identifying as trans.
but i the first person i told was my sister.

we were walking home from a resturaunt and she started smoking next to me and she's never been a smoker int eh apst so i was like dud wtf goin on and she explained what sort of craps been in her life. then when she was done she just sort of went, so what's been going on in your life?

and i sort of just spilled it right there in a mess of tears cuz i'd been holding it in so long that i wasn't happy as a woman. and she was really understanding. when i got back from that trip my dad noticed i was being really quiet and asked if everything was ok and i just sort of told him i don't know what i am. which was true at teh time. and i started seeing atherapist and then identified as trans once i got some things sorted out. i think because it was such a gradual thing it was easier on my family. my friends didn't care they're all gay as ->-bleeped-<- so they were kinda like woohoo for me XD

I wasn't planning on telling anyone yet. My mother made rude remarks about a transgender friend of mine. After I asked her to never use those words around me again. She asked why and I told her being transgender myself it is hurtful and insulting. So now we're in this phase where she acts like if ignored it will go away. While annoying is a lot better than the alternative.

I've only come out to my sister so far and she is more than supportive. For now that's enough for me. Looks like a lot of you all came out to your sisters with positive results as well. I know my mom will take it hard, but she has always said that she will love her children no matter what.

To my mom I told her and my relatives plus cousins I sent an email to everyone.

Quote from: LordKAT on August 24, 2014, 06:59:57 PM
The newspaper did it for me. I don't recommend that route.

How? Why? Did you know about it before?

I just kinda started transition and then told people way after. Like, a year. My best friend and my husband were the only two that knew before hormones came into the picture. I told my grandmother pretty early but she didnt get it until I had surgery, but she doesn't care either way. I don't see my family that much and we aren't on the best of terms, so coming out wasn't exactly high on my list. Eh.

I got them alone and was all like, "SO. Do you know what transgender is?"  And then they'd be like, "Yeh, why, are you?"  ".......Maybe."

Or I'd do a huge preamble about like, Are you sitting down, I have something to tell you, it's kind of a big thing, and just make it seem like I was about to tell them some big awful interesting thing, and go with that until they got upset and was like, FOR FODD'S SAKE, just TELL me already!  And I'd be like, "Okay. I'm transgender."  And they'd be so relieved to finally know, that they wouldn't bother getting upset about the reveal, cause they'd be anticipating the WORST case scenario things.

Rambly preamble seems to be my default defense mechanism.

Some I told in person, those I was the most afraid to lose. Some I told by FB, because I had the biting urge to tell them RIGHT THEN.

And there is a group of old friends (like 25+ year frienships) that we made a bit of a joke about telling. There is a FB group a friend made that this group of us use just for stuff between each other. So one day (old name) stops posting and (new name) starts. The group is about 30 people...but still. So at an event one friend asks "OH yeah, who is (new name)? Funny guy but I don't remember ever meeting him." I crack up laughing and so do the 3 friends right next to me who know.

One of these friends is known for being VERY outspoken, and looks at me with a raised eyebrow and a smirk. I say "Sure (friend), you may do the honors, mainly because I just have to hear what you come up with."

Friend to other friends: "You knew (old first name), and of course (old middle name...used them interchangeably). Now we have (new name) cuz he's really a guy and we just didn't know. But he's still (nickname I've had since I was 10 and will never get rid of....and don't want to)
Friend who didn't know: "THAT explains a lot! The humor did seem familiar."
Me (trying to not fall over laughing): "Are you cool with that?"
Friend who didn't know: (pulls down lower eyelid, points to eyeball) "Do you now, or have you ever seen a single f**k to give in my eye?" (we all laugh) "I should change the contact in my phone, and it's about ->-bleeped-<-ing time you got a name I can spell. Really."

It was a hilarious exchange to me at least.

I came out on facebook. I don't really care about the opinions of my family or anyone on there who didn't already know, so it wasn't much of a problem.
For people like my friends, I got all nervous and then eventually blurted it out.

Mum guessed,I'd had almost 1 years HRT & electrolysis and had long dyed red hair in a spiral perm.Strangely she was OK as she was very homophobic and racist.She told my then super religious sister who was OK and my laid back Dad who took a bit of time to come round

For me the words and how I did it was very simple, over dinner with mum, I just came out with it, she got up and gave me a hug and went back to dinner like nothing had changed, all this time later it still hasn't.

The lead up though, now that was hard.
I went to an all boys school, being tiny, a touch girly, longer hair, no good at most sports and no friends guess what happened with me? I was bullied daily, I was bashed twice, the last time was the most scary.
A few girls who lived in my street were friends with one of the boys who bashed me, they were joking about bashing me and sticking a pole up my rear end (not their words) because "poofs like him would love that".

They told mum and she took me straight out of school when they refused to do anything.
Mum kept on asking me questions, she never pushed me, but wanted to let me know that if I was gay she'll still love me, if I wasn't, she'll still love me and if there was something wrong, do not do anything without speaking with her or someone.

It took 2 weeks to come out.

The next day, she went to work, came home with a heap of new stuff, told me that we're moving to Melbourne because we need to start a new life and we have family there, she applied to move offices at work if they said no she'll get a new job and within weeks, we were on the move.

To my friends, I hinted the day before that I'd been thinking about "the change" for a long time, and was met by mostly neutral responses.  No negativity.  The next day, i came out to them all by text, and, a few days later, I told my mom that I'd been looking up surgeries for bring trans and she flipped.  My dad just asked me why I couldn't be a butch lesbian, and asked why all butch lesbians and femmy gays you see on TV are happy the way they are.  My friends were completely different.  They helped me with my name choosing dilemma, call me by my chosen name, and male pronouns (even though the occasional "she" slips out, on accident, and they correct themselves, usually.)  My best friend even tried to get me to go into the men's room with him a couple months after I came out.  To my not-so-close friends, I came out on FB, and was met by much support.  Probably close to 20 likes (no one hardly ever likes my posts  ::) ) and lots of comments.  My mom, however, decided to share it with the caption "When you think you have problems, take a look at my life!"  I commented that that was a serious post about a serious issue that she had no right to share like that, and she didn't talk to me for a few days.  We're okay right now, but we don't bring it up in conversations.

Edit 1: Just wanted to add that I had to be put on something for anxiety for the weeks before I told my parents.  It was terrible, holding it in like that.  Not that the "freakenstein" comments helped after I finally did.

I did the not-so great thing in my family's case and decide to go behind their backs about my gender and try to do it 'subtly'. I began seeing people in transgender advocacy meetings every Tuesday, starting eating more protein and wearing more gender-neutral clothing when I could. It ended up causing quite a bit of tension between me and my mother, especially, due to the fact that I was her only daughter. Eventually, it got so bad that I ended up taking her to her room with me and confessing how I felt. That I didn't feel comfortable in my own body and that I felt like a man.