Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Okay so, my grandma is now the only one left in the family (the close ones) who doesn't know I'm trans. I've always said that I am not going to tell her, but my dad says that he thinks my grandma will find out eventually, that I can't keep the secret forever since I'm soon going to start T and change my legal name, and my other family, friends, school, everyone knows I'm a guy, and I will have surgeries etc. Also, she already has her suspicions based on how I dress and other things.

But I don't want to "confirm" it to her; she is 77 years old, is not in great health and has suffered a lot in her life, so I don't want to upset her further, especially because, while she is the the kind of person who "lives and lets live", she is also not a very open-minded person (she is not even okay with gay people, and on several occasions has said some BS about trans people like denying their real identity etc.). 

So what I'm asking is, how long can I be keeping this from her? Will she find out after I start T (now in September)? If so in which month approx.? In 2 years time I'm probably moving to another country, and from then on I won't be seeing her nearly as much, but how can I be on hormones for 2 years and she not notice? I could always come up with something unrelated to explain away my appearance, but what? Late puberty because I'm "only" 19? Should I rather tell her before she finds out accidentally or from a third person, but risking her having some kind of heart attack and dying which would make it my fault?

Needless to say, I would be far happier if she knew and supported me and stopped making me feel so dysphoric with her constant complaints and reminders of my birth sex and everything else, but I can't be selfish about this and besides I'm pretty sure that she would not understand nor accept it so I would only cause her pain for nothing. On the other hand it just seems infeasible to sustain the lie for too long so what should I do?

First, if and that is a big if, your grandmother has a heart attack and dies, that is NOT your fault even if you tell her and she hates it.

If she is likely to find out anyway, it may be better to tell her upfront. If you don't you are relying on a lot of people to also not tell her and that is unlikely. People like to talk, family is no different.

If you were leaving in 2 months instead of years you maybe could get away with it, but T tends to cause changes fairly quickly. You can expect voice changes and some facial features to already show change in those 2 months, especially to those you see you less often.

Lately, I've been living for myself and my own happiness because I've realized I AM important and so is my well-being.
I'd just tell her. Do you want to be a year on T and still have someone calling you your birth name and by improper pronouns? I sure wouldn't!
If she asks you what's up already because of how you dress, etc., I doubt you would give her a heart attack!
You'd be surprised how well older people take it. Not sure how my mom told my great grandma, but I'm sure it only happened once and was a conversation  ended quickly (my family doesn't do good with talks, lol). She calls me my name and male pronouns.
Granted, I've never had a conversation with her about how she feels about gay people, etc... But a lot of times when someone realizes that someone they love fits into that generalization, they come around.

My God Manny, this brings real tears to my eyes. My Grandma ask me if something was different about me. She hinted and hinted until she told me she knew. She knew the whole freakin' time. She never told anyone else. Sometimes grandparents are more in touch and in tune with us than our own parents. You may be surprised. they are older and believe me they have seen way more than we have and they usually aren't as judgmental as our parents. But that is definitely something you are going to have to decide.

I also wasn't sure I should tell my grandma I'm trans. My grandma is over 80 and also racist and a bit homophobic. One of my family members is gay and he didn't tell her, so I didn't know how would she react to me. My mom accidentally told her about me, and she only asked if I'm happier now. I think I was 4-5 months on T when it happened, first I switched to only men's clothes, haircut, then started T, but she never asked me anything or changed the way she talked to me. That was surprising to me, but I'm happy she knows now, I don't even remember the time she called me by my birthname. I thought she would never accept me, because of her age, racism and homophobism, but she loves me so she doesn't care. Maybe your grandmother could surprise you too.
2 years on T you won't be mistaken for female, maybe it's not that noticeable for 2 months or so, but 2 years... I don't know your relationship with your grandma, but I would encourage you to come out, it's worth trying  especially if she's the person who lets live.

Quote from: Manny on August 26, 2014, 01:16:27 PM
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But I don't want to "confirm" it to her; she is 77 years old, is not in great health and has suffered a lot in her life, so I don't want to upset her further, especially because, while she is the the kind of person who "lives and lets live", she is also not a very open-minded person (she is not even okay with gay people, and on several occasions has said some BS about trans people like denying their real identity etc.). 
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Most of us in our 70's, 80's, and even older are well aware of the realities around us. We have experienced much more in our lives than you give us credit for.

I think one thing really everyone needs to understand is that grandparent's love is truly unconditional. I remember my Grandma told me stories when I was younger about stuff that is not even acceptable today. The biggest thing I remember about my Grandma was she point blank asked me if I was a boy or girl. When I gave some BS answer she just waved her hand and asked the question again. God Bless her and I had to tell her the truth. She knew and she understood and she loved me no matter what. I could have been the Antichrist and she would have still had the same love for me and not judgmental in the least.

Your Grandma probably knows more about you than you do yourself. Mine did.

A trans guy friend of mine held back transition until his grandmother passed away. If I'm to be honest that is a major reason why I didn't go through with my transition the first time and why I held back going down that path again. A year after she passed away I had restarted transition. I know we have to live for who we are but I know we also have concerns about family members. I'm in a similar situation now but with my young niece who still doesn't know she has an aunt because my sister is afraid of how she'll take it. She's going to find out eventually if we don't tell her, I'd rather she heard it from me rather than accidentally through a third party.

Well I do think that if I tell her and she dies of a heart attack caused by that revelation, that it would most definitely be my fault even if only partially. It's not my fault that I'm trans, but it'd be my fault if I told her and consequently she died, besides regardless of who's at fault, it would be on my conscience forever and I don't think I'd be able to live with that. I am confident that my family won't say anything, they swore they wouldn't tell her anything and I have no reason to doubt them, but of course I do realize that they could still accidentally tell her, especially one of my cousins who is 11 years old, but still I'm not worried.

Kyler, of course I don't want someone to keep referring to me with the wrong pronouns, but what if I tell her and she still does (which I think would be her most likely response). At least the rest of my family wouldn't need to pretend when in front of her, but really is it worth upsetting my grandma when I can still stand her misgendering me? She is already used to me dressing as a guy (I have been doing it for years) but I don't know how much it would "soften" her shock or reaction.

Wow Jess, your grandma must be really perceptive, my grandma is also very smart and wise and I know for certain that she has her suspicions (she even knows - found out accidentally - that I "hide" my birthname). I even remember once having a conversation with her about this. We were discussing my choice of guy clothes and she asked me if I liked "boy stuff/clothes", and I said yes and she insisted and asked again if I really really completely liked and wanted to do guy things and I said yes and she said "well you'll never be completely a guy".

Now that I think about it, maybe you guys are right, I may just have it wrong and she could surprise me, but I know her quite well and sadly I think that'd just be wishful thinking on my part. She always says that I (and people in general) should do whatever I want and wants me to be happy etc., but something like this - how could she ever be okay with it? And I'm not the only one who thinks that, my dad (her son) and other relatives have told me that she won't understand it and that it will be hard on her etc.

I don't want her to be in pain because of me as we're close and I even live with her at the moment - but it seems unavoidable as she will probably find out at some point anyway, and you're right I should probably do it myself before she finds out from someone else. I don't think I'll change at all in just 2 months but in a year or two it's almost impossible that she won't notice, so I gotta think what I'll tell her, the truth or some made-up story. And I can't wait till she passes away like your friend did MsGrace (I find it a very self-less and honourable action btw) as my grandma will probably (hopefully!) still live for another decade at least. Thanks guys for your advice, I have a lot of thinking to do, right now I feel like no matter what I do it's a lose-lose situation.

Manny. Just do what you feel in your own heart is right. That is all you can do. I hate to tell you this sweety, but the decision is all on you and what you decide. Mine knew already before I said a word. Yours maybe different and not know. I know, it sux with conflicting advice. But only you know.

Manny, I just want to wish you the best no matter what you decide.  As was already mentioned by another guy just follow your heart.  I wish I could have come out before my grandparents died but alas I couldn't.  I still have regrets that I wasn't able to.  I was extremely close by my grandpa and he took me under his wing.  I swear by the things we did you would have said just two guys doing something they enjoyed.  My grandma and I were close in the fact that she took care of me so often when my mom was not able to.  Seriously, I dearly miss and love them more than words can ever express.

Wow, this post could have been me two months ago. My dad's aunt is 90 years old and I knew it would be hard/impossible to keep my further transitioning a secret since I started T and my family use the correct pronouns and name almost all the time (even when they 'shouldn't). I spent two month agonizing about telling her/not telling her and how to tell her. Because I worried about the effects on her health (I was her 'favourite' godchild) and often had nightmares about giving her a heartattack. I also expected her to not understand what I was saying and that I'd have to spend a long agonizing time explaining an re-explaining it to her. And she's not the live-and-let-live kind, she can not keep quiet to us if she sees gay people, or people that dress abnormal... Even when she nows we get angry (my family is very open and accepting) and it causes conflicts.

Now, I was for one very happy to have my dad and mums support. I talked about it with them and they helped me simply because I knew they were behind me. So if you can have their support, it might me good to talk to them about it. Next i set the goal that she understood what I said and would know what to expect, no more. I didn't expect her to accept me and while that was hard I learnt to deal with that before I even told her. I also wrote out what I would say, I didn't use this paper but I wanted to make sure I explained it in the easiest way possible. I decided to put lots of emphasis on my happiness and how I used to be unhappy but was happier now. Also what was important for her was that this wouldn't effect my studies so I added that in.

In the end, it was just biting the bullet. I was shaking, I felt sick... Did it go better then I expected? Yes, she showed a better understanding of what I was saying and immediately knew what I was talking about. Did she like it? No, she was angry at first (muttering under her breath and stuff) and then proceeded to keep going as if I didn't say anything. I left it at that. I had arranged it so I could leave as soon as I told her and she'd had an opportunity to ask questions. That evening she told my dad 'we can't change them and she just has to be happy'. She still treats me the same as before (pronouns, and wanting to give me her old jewellry included). Because I expected her to do worse (ignore me, talk badly about me to my parents, be angry at my parents...) I'm happy with how it turned out. And she didn't have a heartattack.

I think it's a difficult choice to make. My advice would be to make sure you have some support, don't underestimate your elderly (I did), and remember that in the end you need to live your live and be happy. And that's probably what your grandmother wants for you too. Sorry for the long post :p And I really wish you all the best and hope everything goes well whatever choice you make.

If you are a close family you should tell her about who you really are, she deserves to know the real you before she leaves this world, you will be happier and she will be even more happy that you shared the real you with her.

My grandmom died before I come out and I feel sad about it, I would like her to be alive so she could see the real me and share the happiness together.

At the beginning she may react surprise but older people has a lot of knowledge and sometimes is easier for them to understand due to the experiences they have.

i don't think old people are likely to die from a heart attack just because a grandchild told them they're trans. grandparents have a different sense of responsibility than what parents have, and focus more on their grandchild's happiness than all those gendered attachments and expectations for the child's future, which is typical of parents.

and old people have already experienced much worse "disappointments". like a best friend passing away. some have even lost their own child, or they've survived major disasters and all kinds of things. you're at least still alive, theirs to love or reject without having to feel responsible for your life. you don't have to be afraid of telling your grandma anything, even if she isn't in great health.

i have a feeling that my mom would accept one of her grandchildren as trans, even though she'll refuse to accept me.