Susan's Place Transgender Resources

At this point I'm realizing that I have a major problem that simply needs to be dealt with.  I'm really accomplished academically, I'm well read, I have good tastes in movies and music, have a cool car, am athletic and in phenomenal health, and I'm told that I'm very good looking.  I'm a really cool person and I realize it.  I'm also painfully kind to others, almost to a fault, but I still have absolutely nothing to show for it.  I'm really crippled and most of my time is spent thinking of suicide or how things may have been if I had gotten help sooner.  Transitioning at a young age would have been the right choice, but now, I'm not so sure.

I'm 6'0" and my build isn't overwhelmingly huge.  I'm really proportionate and I have fairly delicate features.  I'm pretty positive that I would have had model good looks if I had started younger.  I think I could still end up pretty, but I'll always notice my male features and I'm afraid that I'll never be able to get past them.  Despite whether or not I end up pretty, I don't know if I'll ever be able to pass as what I really am and that's hard to deal with.  I could have a nice body and face, but I'll never be able to ignore my hands, voice, broad shoulders and back , etc...  I don't know if I'm capable of shaking dysphonia even in transition.

Does anyone else has an overly male feature, like undeniably masculine, and is still able to shake dysphoria and see themselves as female?  I don't see myself as female, mentally I know I am and I know that HRT at a young age would have allowed me to do so with no question, but it's tough for me now.  If I can't pass or at least get past my hands and all after transitioning then I'm afraid I'll only end up feeling worse.  I really feel like it's a no-win situation.  I don't think I have much time left if I stay as I am.  I could be on HRT as easily as next week, but I almost don't see the point and I was basically just thinking of killing myself.  I know I at least have to try, but I'm worried that there's no point and that nothing will ever really help.  I sort of wish I was much more masculine, then I'd maybe be satisfied with just looking more feminine without passing, but as it stands I feel that I'm just a bit out of passing range.  I have a lot of positives, but I'd trade them all for a smaller frame or just hands that weren't almost deformed huge even for a 6'0" male.

I really almost can't breath anymore and I feel like I'm going crazy.  I just don't know what to do anymore.

Anyone Able to Get Past a Non-Changeable Feature?

And it seems that when I dress up these features only become more prominent, so I really just don't know how anything could help me at this point.  All I want to do is be able to blend in and at least pass to a cashier, you know...

Hi!!

Per your comment it seems to me you have not been in HRT yet? If that's the case you look really good even without it!!! HRT will make wonderful things to your body!

In my case, I used to be a really macho guy my whole life!, I always tried to do things that will make me look macho so people will not even look or think something different about me! Several years ago i used to bench 400 pounds, I even played rugby and any other sport that will help me get bigger and stronger.

Due to that i had a really broad back, I started hormones in 2012 and i could not get past that, i used to cry everyday because no matter what i did or what i used all shirts or dresses would look funny on me because of my broad shoulders.

It took me several months but i started doing things that will narrow them, i got into a protein free diet, this helped by destroying a lot of the muscles i had, i also did a lot of work out to tone the muscles instead of grow, I did a lot of hot yoga, that helped a lot as well.

I took me almost 1.5 years before i was comfortable  enough with my shoulders, don't take me wrong, they still look a little big but they look feminine big (like a swimmers).

HRT helped a lot as well, I could see my overall figure changing, even more the last couple of months, I still have some muscles in my arms and my hands look bigger than average but i tried to use clothes and accessories that compliment the look.

About my voice, i went to voice therapy for several months, it was really difficult, but i learned to change my pitch and tone to a feminine one.

You can do the same as well!!!, be strong! and try not to feel bad or depressed because changes are not happening as fast as you want, you will get there!!!!

As i said, per your picture you look really good!!!

Good luck!!!

Thanks, that's the thing though.  I've been down to about 130lbs with no muscle at all and I can definitively say I have a more masculine skeleton that probably 90% of men, even men who "appeared" more masculine than me.  Did you have prominent hand and forearm veins.  Like I said, I'm naturally very athletic and I have VERY prominent hand and forearm veins, as did my father.  I also have a ton of make up on in that picture and I'm wearing a wig which makes me look far better than I actually do.  I have most of my hair, it's thinned a little, but I almost feel like I can't have feminine hair.  It gets all curly and wavy even when long and it just looks so masculine, even in the texture alone.

I am going to start HRT, hopefully next week, but I'm afraid that I already lost my chance to really look much different...

I had a lot of similar anxiety prior to transition. I think the farther along in the transition I was, the more things I liked.. and after some time they began to eclipse the things I didn't.

Hi!

Yes, i had prominent veins, arms and muscles, currently i am 145 pounds.

HRT did amazing things to my body, it will take some time for the changes to start to happen but they will happen, specially when your T goes all the way to almost non-existent!!!

You just let you be you.

Not someone other then who you are and have become.

Today's media makes us think we have to look like x if not y will not be attracted to you.

Well i am 5-11 or i am old now so 5-10 they told me now. Over weight and i just am me.

Hormones will help round out your face and body in time. Move some fat around in its own time.

Relax and yes we all wish we could do things back then. But back then is over and no way to chance it. Live for today. Everyone is of there own body and looks. Just look around at the common foke.

Confidence and being genuine of who your are is the key to living. I hate the word passing.

Hugs

You said you are at zero. I said those exact words to my therapist in January 2013, the first day of therapy. She said that is good, there is only one way to go then.

You will feel so much better on HRT and in time the muscle will go away, skin will soften and fat will deposit at all the right places.

Your hair may come back. Make sure you use keratin shampoo and conditioner (it's a 10) without phosphates and PH balanced between 4.5 to 5.5. Use an Aloe spray (CVS has cold pressed aloe in a jug) when brushing.

One day at a time is all you have to think about.

When I think about suicide it is because I am afraid to go forward out of my comfort zone. When we come out it is for real and permanent. Scary stuff whether 5, 12, 30 or 51.

Transition is difficult and I found out something recently. Making a difficult decision instead of being stuck feels great and the quicker you get unstuck the sooner you will feel great, hugs. 

My God, 6' tall women are sexy. Believe me, I have dated women that towered over me and I had no problem or complex and neither did they. A couple I dated as a guy and a couple I dated as a girl. I am 5'9" so three inches is a lot, especially when they would wear high heels. As a girl I would wear high heels too so it was still only three or four inches taller than me.

My god, you in your avatar and not even HRT yet? It will do you good I think and you will have to beat the guys off with a stick. You are pretty as is and E will only add to that. But tall women. there is absolutely nothing wrong with tall women and guys really don't care that much about height differences and if they do, they are pretty superficial to begin with and not worth it anyway.

When I first started my transition I was in the same exact boat as you are in minus one whole inch. I'm 5'11" tall, my shoulder width is 18" and I use to say the exact same things to myself every day. My masculine features are overbearing, when I'm dressed I still look like a guy.......ect I could list every detail but you get the drift.

Give yourself time once you get on HRT. I didn't pass until about the 4th month on HRT and by then I had learned how to do my hair properly, make correctly, how to walk correctly, mannerisms and most of all let HRT do it's work on my physical attributes, I had 4 laser sessions under my belt on my face and I had been working on my voice for 6 months to the point where it was pretty decent. What made the difference was that I had really gained CONFIDENCE in myself and who I am. Once you start feeling comfortable with yourself you'll blossom. 

Im 19 , I feel exactly like you...
hrt has helped me a lot and I pass quite often , but still my voice , shoulders,hands give me extreme dysphoria and they are not even that masculine...

Age doesnt play that much of a role its mostly genetics,,,if you are a "normal" male you will only be saved if you start hrt at like 12-13-14-15 after that age the poison will have destroyed any chanced of looking 100% female

Bear in mind that voice, shoulders, back, and hands actually *are* all changeable  (all except voice can happen from HRT alone, though the voice will be a lot of work).

I have the kind of brow bossing that I often seen described as "type III" or "needs FFS" when other women post here... I'm terrified of FFS even if I could afford it, so I had to learn to come to terms with things somehow, b/c bone never changes.  I used to hate it and not be able to see past it. I still don't LIKE it, but I stopped noticing 99% of the time a long time ago, once the rest of my face and body feminized. Honestly, nobody else notices either, even when I point it out to friends. Ditto my male hairline; that, it helped when I started noticing other cis women with that "M" shape, but I also still make a point of wearing my hair to hide it.

Seriously, give HRT a chance. You'll likely be amazed at how much CAN change, and at how dramatic a difference it makes once all the other features are fully feminized.  What makes a person look masculine or feminine is the sum total of a lot of minor traits, and it's totally possible to change enough of them that the final tally is firmly "female" even if 1 or 2 masculine points remain (and I'll also suggest you look at cis women and note big hands/strong jaws/heavy brows etc. so that you can start to believe that human variation is wider than you think).

This may sound whatever, but if you don't worry about the feature no one else will. If you are self confident about it you will actually put a spotlight on it. Just relax and concentrate on your life and how awesome it is and is going to continue to be. I am not thrilled about some of my left over features, but people are around me now because of my attitude and zest for life now. My features do not mean half as much to them as being with the real and outgoing me who is fun to be around now.  :)

Quote from: TheQuestion on September 01, 2014, 11:52:35 AM
Anyone Able to Get Past a Non-Changeable Feature?

I have male pattern baldness, eyebrow bossing, and a craggy forehead. From my eyes up I look totally male.

But I get to walk the earth as a female. A real honest-to-goodness female. I can cover the hair and forehead with a wig and wear large-rimmed glasses. I even pass a lot of the time.

TQ, all of that is amazing. So amazing that, even though I have a jolt of dysphoria whenever I see my unadorned head, I still consider myself one of the luckiest people I know.

So I'd have to say the answer to your question is "yes".

I've read a few of your posts around the site. I don't have a lot to add because other posters have covered what I wanted to say to you. I'm still posting to be another voice of support. Keep taking steps forward.

I've been overweight/obese my whole life, and only recently have started to accept that I am still both physically and internally beautiful. People's reactions to me have changed drastically in the last few months as I have held myself with confidence and acceptance. Or maybe it's just the way I see their reactions.

Really, it's more of a question of changing your own perceptions (or allowing them to be changed), rather than holding onto self-doubt and negativity.

As for my impression from looking at you, you already "pass" in your profile pictures. Plus you have a clear talent for putting on makeup and generally being beautiful. Don't let your intelligent mind talk circles around you, overanalyzing every little thing you see as a flaw or as inescapably masculine. Because nobody else can see it. You are your biggest critic.

I can tell that looks, at least as far as passing, are important to you. Please believe that you are beautiful, not just because it's true, but because once you believe it, everyone will. Much like what Jessica said.

Six foot two and built like a linebacker here.  No problem! Really. I'm just a big, gnarly chick and nobody messes with me.

My bone structure will not be changed at all so when my bones are uncovered in the future, they will spot a female.

Quote from: Marcellow on September 01, 2014, 08:17:27 PM
My bone structure will not be changed at all so when my bones are uncovered in the future, they will spot a female.

Don't worry, my guess is that you won't be around to care.  I certainly do not concern myself with what the future cockroach people will think of me...

Thanks everybody.  I think everyone really hit it on the head.  I'm really hoping that I just find confidence and can be happy with myself.  I almost feel awful for being so conceded.  I'm not in too bad of shape, even my hair is basically all there (just have no idea how to manage or grow it out).  Maybe at the start of HRT I should shave it so it grows in even.  That's probably one of the problems with it.  I've been cutting my own hair since I was 14.  So it's all uneven and gets curly and all.  Been about 12 years since I've had my hair cut professionally... and it was always whiffles.  I just hate my f'in hands and these friggin' veins.  I'm hoping that I'll just feel better on HRT regardless.  Thanks again everyone, it's totally appreciated and I do mean that.  I'm excited to be starting, but I'm just afraid of the unknown.

Some of this could be in my head, I don't know.  I just measured and my shoulders are only 17.5" across, but there definitely thick from the side.

It sounds to me like you're overly fixated on wishing you had transitioned earlier.  Well...you didn't.  So the only decision you have is what's in front of you right now.

In business we often refer to the fallacy of sunk costs.  You can't let previous decisions color your decision-making now.  For example, you're 30 minutes into a really terrible movie and you're not enjoying it at all.  Do you continue to watch it and waste another 60+ minutes, or do you get up and go do something that you really do enjoy?  A lot of people will say, "well, but I've already invested 30 minutes."  But that's the wrong way to look at it.  We can only make decisions based on what's in front of us.

Forget the past.  As you said, you may have been able to have model good looks.  But maybe not.  Clearly you're not enjoying this movie.  So get up, get on HRT, and see what happens.

Hey TheQuestion,

I'm coming from the other "side" (ftm) (I'm a six foot tall bio-woman btw) and I'm experiencing everything you describe in reverse so to speak. For me it's my broad hips and the inability to build up muscle properly due to a metabolic disorder. I don't know if testo will ever be an option for me because I'm married and I don't want to lose my husband.

I know for a fact that some of things I'm "seeing" in the mirror are a very distorted view. Other people don't see me the way I see myself. So I too must embark on that road of finding a way to accept features I cannot change. Right now, it's debilitating. I can relate to the sui feelings. I have them almost every day. I too wish I had had a chance to transition earlier in life.

Sorry, I cannot offer any solutions but I wanted to say I know how it feels. I'm in a very similar place. PM me if you feel like it :).

Quote from: TheQuestion on September 01, 2014, 10:10:26 PM
Some of this could be in my head, I don't know.  I just measured and my shoulders are only 17.5" across, but there definitely thick from the side.

Dang, my shoulders are 24" across, and thick, and I'm AFAB. People consistently see me as female.

I think you'll be fine in the shoulder department. Especially with HRT, because it'll move things around for you and could very likely get rid of any bulky spots you don't like.

As for the things that are less likely to change: Every woman (and if we are being honest, every man) trans or cis, has something they don't like about their body.

But you're looking at it under a microscope, and everyone else is looking at it at a normal level of magnification.