Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Ugh where do I start.
First of all let me just say that I have not began transition yet. No hormones yet. No kind of laser or electrolysis yet or any kind of FFS. I am basically at the very, very beginning. The only thing holding me back? My parents. I am in a position right now where I am living with my parents and basically "what they say goes" despite me being an adult. I really want to talk to them and try to come to some kind of resolution or understanding so I can get the ball rolling so to speak. They are very "conservative" and concerned with what other people think. My mom is more open, my dad is pretty much a lost cause.

Anywho.
All my life I've known I was a girl, I "knew" as far back as age 4 or 5. I have always looked feminine which was also a problem all my life. For me, it was great. For my mom? It wasn't. I knew deep down she hated it when I would refer to myself as the female character from this cartoon or that show. I would always get mistaken for a girl and again, was embarrassing but only if my mom was around because I didn't want to be a disappointment in her eyes even though it wasn't my fault. We can't help how we look, and if I did have the choice I would have been born "correct" as in the female anatomy to fit with my female brain and personality and well.....looks. Every single time I get mistaken for a girl I take a deep breath and see it as another sign that I really need to do this, I need to transition in order to live a full and complete and HAPPY life. I am miserable in my current state despite often being mistaken as female. Once I was introduced to someone and they very bluntly asked my friend (I overheard them) "Is that a boy or a girl?"  :-\ but that was around 8 years ago when I was still figuring myself out and still a bit confused.

Now let me get to the point. My birth name is Cody  :D yes, Cody. I've never been crazy about my name but always took comfort in knowing that there are girls named Cody. Usually spelled Kody or Koti. It's the name I still go by to this day, the name my family knows me by. Do I plan on changing it in the future? Definitely. But for now I'm stuck with it.

Back to my story.
It happened again.....but this time it was typed on a piece of paper.
About a month and a half ago I went to the emergency room, I had pain in both my legs. Because of my anxiety I was freaking out and assuming the worst (people with anxiety will understand) I didn't do much before going, shaved my face quickly and pulled my hair back into a high bun (hair is about shoulder length) I had on a large shirt with a jacket over which I zipped up. Again.....casual attire.....nothing even remotely "feminine" I didn't have makeup on either because my father took me and the last thing I needed was him freaking out.

Anywho....I get there and they ask the usual questions....the nature of my problem....my name and date of birth.

They take my blood pressure, weigh me and take my height. To make a long story short the doctor diagnosed me with shin splints and sent me home. Upon leaving, they give me 3 or 4 sheets of paper. The first paper was a paper on shin splints and some random information on recovery and stuff like that. I didn't even look at the other papers I was just thrilled to be out of there. When I got home I placed the papers on my dresser and never looked at them again......until a few nights ago.

Out of boredom I looked through them and the very last page was a patient information sheet. Pretty sure everyone knows what I am talking about. Your name, patient id, etc etc.

I look to the right and sure enough, right beside "Gender" there is a big fat "F"
:(

I don't know if it was the doctor or the nurse who took my blood pressure who had assumed I was, but nevertheless it made me ponder again.

Another "sign" if you will. That I need to get started. For my own sanity. My own well being. And I need to talk to my parents asap because without their support I won't be able to manage. Just for kicks, I scanned the paper.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi57.tinypic.com%2F2ywdevt.jpg&hash=f57a18595f04e50248056572234d4ceaec7d00db)

Just so nobody would think that this was some fabricated "tall" story. This is my reality.
I blurred certain areas, such as my address and other personal info. I left my lovely name for viewing though!  :D

So please sisters, I need all the courage I can get to get this going. To tell my parents and talk to them. What would you do? How would you handle this or how would you react if this happened to you?

I know I'm a woman, and I want to be able to live my life as one finally. I am tired of the shaming and hiding.

I basically need a big hug and some words of encouragement  :( sorry for the long novel.
All feedback would be immensely appreciate.

Thank you all.

Quote from: Starla on September 02, 2014, 12:25:38 AM
Ugh where do I start.
First of all let me just say that I have not began transition yet. No hormones yet. No kind of laser or electrolysis yet or any kind of FFS. I am basically at the very, very beginning. The only thing holding me back? My parents. I am in a position right now where I am living with my parents and basically "what they say goes" despite me being an adult. I really want to talk to them and try to come to some kind of resolution or understanding so I can get the ball rolling so to speak. They are very "conservative" and concerned with what other people think. My mom is more open, my dad is pretty much a lost cause.

Anywho.
All my life I've known I was a girl, I "knew" as far back as age 4 or 5. I have always looked feminine which was also a problem all my life. For me, it was great. For my mom? It wasn't. I knew deep down she hated it when I would refer to myself as the female character from this cartoon or that show. I would always get mistaken for a girl and again, was embarrassing but only if my mom was around because I didn't want to be a disappointment in her eyes even though it wasn't my fault. We can't help how we look, and if I did have the choice I would have been born "correct" as in the female anatomy to fit with my female brain and personality and well.....looks. Every single time I get mistaken for a girl I take a deep breath and see it as another sign that I really need to do this, I need to transition in order to live a full and complete and HAPPY life. I am miserable in my current state despite often being mistaken as female. Once I was introduced to someone and they very bluntly asked my friend (I overheard them) "Is that a boy or a girl?"  :-\ but that was around 8 years ago when I was still figuring myself out and still a bit confused.

Now let me get to the point. My birth name is Cody  :D yes, Cody. I've never been crazy about my name but always took comfort in knowing that there are girls named Cody. Usually spelled Kody or Koti. It's the name I still go by to this day, the name my family knows me by. Do I plan on changing it in the future? Definitely. But for now I'm stuck with it.

Back to my story.
It happened again.....but this time it was typed on a piece of paper.
About a month and a half ago I went to the emergency room, I had pain in both my legs. Because of my anxiety I was freaking out and assuming the worst (people with anxiety will understand) I didn't do much before going, shaved my face quickly and pulled my hair back into a high bun (hair is about shoulder length) I had on a large shirt with a jacked over which I zipped up. Again.....casual attire.....nothing even remotely "feminine" I didn't have makeup on either because my father took me and the last thing I needed was him freaking out.

Anywho....I get there and they ask the usual questions....the nature of my problem....my name and date of birth.

They take my blood pressure, weigh me and take my height. To make a long story short the doctor diagnosed me with shin splints and sent me home. Upon leaving, they give me 3 or 4 sheets of paper. The first paper was a paper on shin splints and some random information on recovery and stuff like that. I didn't even look at the other papers I was just thrilled to be out of there. When I got home I placed the papers on my dresser and never looked at them again......until a few nights ago.

Out of boredom I looked through them and the very last page was a patient information sheet. Pretty sure everyone knows what I am talking about. Your name, patient id, etc etc.

I look to the right and sure enough, right beside "Gender" there is a big fat "F"
:(

I don't know if it was the doctor or the nurse who took my blood pressure who had assumed I was, but nevertheless it made me ponder again.

Another "sign" if you will. That I need to get started. For my own sanity. My own well being. And I need to talk to my parents asap because without their support I won't be able to manage. Just for kicks, I scanned the paper.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi57.tinypic.com%2F2ywdevt.jpg&hash=f57a18595f04e50248056572234d4ceaec7d00db)

Just so nobody would think that this was some fabricated "tall" story. This is my reality.
I blurred certain areas, such as my address and other personal info. I left my lovely name for viewing though!  :D

So please sisters, I need all the courage I can get to get this going. To tell my parents and talk to them. What would you do? How would you handle this or how would you react if this happened to you?

I know I'm a woman, and I want to be able to live my life as one finally. I am tired of the shaming and hiding.

I basically need a big hug and some words of encouragement  :( sorry for the long novel.
All feedback would be immensely appreciate.

Thank you all.

Long read is an understatement lol

I don't understand; you seem frustrated people mistake you for a girl. Isn't that a good thing? I would love if somebody thought I was a girl!

About that hug - I hope you don't mind the awkward kind! *Awkwardly hugs*

I don't have any advice; I'm in the same boat in terms of progress. Pre transition, don't have a gender therapist, controlling parents.

Best of luck, sister.

iiMTF

Quote from: iiMTF on September 02, 2014, 12:33:30 AM
I don't understand; you seem frustrated people mistake you for a girl. Isn't that a good thing? I would love if somebody thought I was a girl!

No, I do love it. It's just depressing because I don't have the courage to take the steps to make it happen officially.

Thank you so much though for your reply, I really do appreciate it. I need all encouragement and luck I can get.

Thank you

Quote from: Starla on September 02, 2014, 12:36:04 AM
No, I do love it. It's just depressing because I don't have the courage to take the steps to make it happen officially.

Thank you so much though for your reply, I really do appreciate it. I need all encouragement and luck I can get.

Thank you

First, congrats on 100 posts and entering the "Friend" rank.

It's extremely hard, but always remember, all of us here at Susan's are there for you!

iiMTF

*supermassive hug*

What I would do is start planning what I wanted to say to them. There is nothing worse than feeling stuck. Trapped. Like you want desperately to do something but feel you cannot. By the sounds of it, you're in a position where a lot is riding on how they react to what you say.

I would want to make sure I had everything said that I wanted to say. Even though my first instinct would be an emotionally charged outpouring that would likely overwhelm everyone involved. To that end, I would begin writing down everything I wanted to get out. Both to get it clear in my own mind, and clear in others' minds when the time comes.

Honestly, if that happened to me, and someone correctly gendered me on a form when I hadn't started transition yet, I would be a gibbering, giggly mass of "omgomgomgsomeoneseesit!!"

There are different options you could take, though. Maybe asking them about seeing a therapist for something you've been struggling with in your life, and want to get help with in order to live a more fulfilling life. With that I'm not sure you have to be up front about why. You could maybe say you're feeling really down and need some help to get back on your feet. People do that all the time. And if you find someone dealing with gender issues, depending how much your parents want to know, you could wait until you have the diagnosis of a professional to back you up before you have to say anything.

I'm not at all sure I like that option though. It feels like trying to dodge a bullet. But I don't know your exact circumstances and the possible outcomes of whatever you decide to do. Maybe it would be best just to rip the Band-Aid off, as it were. And get it out there. In which case, I would definitely start planning, and writing down everything I wanted to say. Getting out the mass of feelings and thoughts inside, in a way that made sense to me, and hopefully others. This would have the added benefit of you being able to just give them what you've written even if you don't feel you can say it aloud.

One thing I will say though, Starla, is that you always have options, sweetie. I know how incredibly damning it can feel to feel trapped by circumstance and backed into a corner with regard to what you can or can't do. But there are always things you can do.

You can do this, one way or another. You have the strength inside you, even if you can't immediately see it. As a first step, take a deep breath and go beyond whether you should say anything, and onto what you would actually say. Start making a plan, making a resolution and thinking about what you would say. That will give you a feeling of momentum if nothing else, and that you're moving forward. And that alone may make you feel better to the point where you get the resolve to use it to achieve what you want to.

I believe in you.

*extra hug*

Quote from: Sephirah on September 02, 2014, 12:45:20 AM
*supermassive hug*

What I would do is start planning what I wanted to say to them. There is nothing worse than feeling stuck. Trapped. Like you want desperately to do something but feel you cannot. By the sounds of it, you're in a position where a lot is riding on how they react to what you say.

I would want to make sure I had everything said that I wanted to say. Even though my first instinct would be an emotionally charged outpouring that would likely overwhelm everyone involved. To that end, I would begin writing down everything I wanted to get out. Both to get it clear in my own mind, and clear in others' minds when the time comes.

Honestly, if that happened to me, and someone correctly gendered me on a form when I hadn't started transition yet, I would be a gibbering, giggly mass of "omgomgomgsomeoneseesit!!"

There are different options you could take, though. Maybe asking them about seeing a therapist for something you've been struggling with in your life, and want to get help with in order to live a more fulfilling life. With that I'm not sure you have to be up front about why. You could maybe say you're feeling really down and need some help to get back on your feet. People do that all the time. And if you find someone dealing with gender issues, depending how much your parents want to know, you could wait until you have the diagnosis of a professional to back you up before you have to say anything.

I'm not at all sure I like that option though. It feels like trying to dodge a bullet. But I don't know your exact circumstances and the possible outcomes of whatever you decide to do. Maybe it would be best just to rip the Band-Aid off, as it were. And get it out there. In which case, I would definitely start planning, and writing down everything I wanted to say. Getting out the mass of feelings and thoughts inside, in a way that made sense to me, and hopefully others. This would have the added benefit of you being able to just give them what you've written even if you don't feel you can say it aloud.

One thing I will say though, Starla, is that you always have options, sweetie. I know how incredibly damning it can feel to feel trapped by circumstance and backed into a corner with regard to what you can or can't do. But there are always things you can do.

You can do this, one way or another. You have the strength inside you, even if you can't immediately see it. As a first step, take a deep breath and go beyond whether you should say anything, and onto what you would actually say. Start making a plan, making a resolution and thinking about what you would say. That will give you a feeling of momentum if nothing else, and that you're moving forward. And that alone may make you feel better to the point where you get the resolve to use it to achieve what you want to.

I believe in you.

*extra hug*

Language! (Paragraph 6, sentence 2, word 5)

Quote from: Sephirah on September 02, 2014, 12:45:20 AM
*supermassive hug*

What I would do is start planning what I wanted to say to them. There is nothing worse than feeling stuck. Trapped. Like you want desperately to do something but feel you cannot. By the sounds of it, you're in a position where a lot is riding on how they react to what you say.

I would want to make sure I had everything said that I wanted to say. Even though my first instinct would be an emotionally charged outpouring that would likely overwhelm everyone involved. To that end, I would begin writing down everything I wanted to get out. Both to get it clear in my own mind, and clear in others' minds when the time comes.

Honestly, if that happened to me, and someone correctly gendered me on a form when I hadn't started transition yet, I would be a gibbering, giggly mass of "omgomgomgsomeoneseesit!!"

There are different options you could take, though. Maybe asking them about seeing a therapist for something you've been struggling with in your life, and want to get help with in order to live a more fulfilling life. With that I'm not sure you have to be up front about why. You could maybe say you're feeling really down and need some help to get back on your feet. People do that all the time. And if you find someone dealing with gender issues, depending how much your parents want to know, you could wait until you have the diagnosis of a professional to back you up before you have to say anything.

I'm not at all sure I like that option though. It feels like trying to dodge a bullet. But I don't know your exact circumstances and the possible outcomes of whatever you decide to do. Maybe it would be best just to rip the Band-Aid off, as it were. And get it out there. In which case, I would definitely start planning, and writing down everything I wanted to say. Getting out the mass of feelings and thoughts inside, in a way that made sense to me, and hopefully others. This would have the added benefit of you being able to just give them what you've written even if you don't feel you can say it aloud.

One thing I will say though, Starla, is that you always have options, sweetie. I know how incredibly damning it can feel to feel trapped by circumstance and backed into a corner with regard to what you can or can't do. But there are always things you can do.

You can do this, one way or another. You have the strength inside you, even if you can't immediately see it. As a first step, take a deep breath and go beyond whether you should say anything, and onto what you would actually say. Start making a plan, making a resolution and thinking about what you would say. That will give you a feeling of momentum if nothing else, and that you're moving forward. And that alone may make you feel better to the point where you get the resolve to use it to achieve what you want to.

I believe in you.

*extra hug*

Exactly what I needed to hear, and you're exactly right. I know this is something that I must do and well.....the only option left is to DO it!

Thanks so much. Confidence level boost for sure!  ;)

Quote from: iiMTF on September 02, 2014, 12:48:38 AM
Language! (Paragraph 6, sentence 2, word 5)

Quotedamned  (dmd)
adj. damned·er (dmdr), damned·est (dmdst)
1.  Condemned, especially to eternal punishment.

2.  Informal Deserving condemnation; detestable: this damned weather.

3.  Used as an intensive: a damned fool.

adv. damneder, damnedest
Used as an intensive: a damned poor excuse.

n.
Souls doomed to eternal punishment.

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/damned

:P

Quote from: Sephirah on September 02, 2014, 01:00:40 AM
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/damned

:P

1. I believe you said "damning", not "damned"?

2. Context clues led me to believe you were using it in the naughty way... Sorry! :p

Starla, you mentioned being an adult, but still living with and controlled by your parents.  Can that change?  I'm not suggesting that you cut them off, but perhaps some independence would help.

Transition is often a years-long process, and there's a lot of planning involved.  So maybe getting on your own two feet would be a good first step.

Quote from: katiej on September 02, 2014, 01:13:28 AM
Starla, you mentioned being an adult, but still living with and controlled by your parents.  Can that change?  I'm not suggesting that you cut them off, but perhaps some independence would help.

Transition is often a years-long process, and there's a lot of planning involved.  So maybe getting on your own two feet would be a good first step.

I definitely agree, it's been difficult though. My whole life I have suffered from shaming and I have terrible anxiety and social anxiety. It's not fun. It makes life that much more tough. I'll get there though hopefully.

Thank you for the input.

 Simply ignore your parents. Talk to a therapist, get on HRT. It'll be months before they even realize you grew breasts.

I'm sorry if that's blunt for those of you who actually had parents, but if they don't support you, then you don't owe them anything. None of us ever asked to be born.

Oh and *big hug*

The first step might very well be to get help around building your confidence and personal living skills so you can support yourself and move out from under your parents. Scary, I know. To be honest I was a pretty useless at looking after myself when I was 23 and afraid of the world at large, but my determination to start transition and start HRT and to not do that under my folks' roof meant I got myself a job and, as soon as I could afford it, got myself out of there. I had to grow up and take responsibility for myself at some point. Since it sounds like you suffer from a lot of anxiety it might be worth talking to a counsellor about strategies to overcome those fears first.

Quote from: Ms Grace on September 02, 2014, 04:49:31 AM
The first step might very well be to get help around building your confidence and personal living skills so you can support yourself and move out from under your parents. Scary, I know. To be honest I was a pretty useless at looking after myself when I was 23 and afraid of the world at large, but my determination to start transition and start HRT and to not do that under my folks' roof meant I got myself a job and, as soon as I could afford it, got myself out of there. I had to grow up and take responsibility for myself at some point. Since it sounds like you suffer from a lot of anxiety it might be worth talking to a counsellor about strategies to overcome those fears first.

Most definitely on all of what Ms Grace said. Get the anxiety under control especially if you are having really bad anxiety or panic attacks. It may all be tied to being trans and maybe not. Just find a good gender therapist that is knowledgeable all the way around.

I would get myself independent of them ASAP. Then you can do what you need to do and they can either accept or not, but not threaten.

Quote from: iiMTF on September 02, 2014, 12:48:38 AM
Language! (Paragraph 6, sentence 2, word 5)

Ugh. Damning, damned, damn. Although it sounds like bad language some of us live in the land of the Damned. Basically all it means is cursed.

BTW Sephira eternally, mine feels more like internally damned. :-\ I just hope it isn't eternal.

Quote from: Jess42 on September 02, 2014, 02:22:52 PM
Ugh. Damning, damned, damn. Although it sounds like bad language some of us live in the land of the Damned. Basically all it means is cursed.

BTW Sephira eternally, mine feels more like internally damned. :-\ I just hope it isn't eternal.

I was already corrected on this... Sorry again! :p

iiMTF

Quote from: iiMTF on September 02, 2014, 02:23:47 PM
I was already corrected on this... Sorry again! :p

iiMTF

It's alright. If I told you I rode to town on an ass. What would be your first thought. Riding on a butthole's shoulders or riding a mule to town? As a matter of fact either or answer may be right. :laugh:

Thank you all! I now have a basic idea of what I need to do. Really appreciate all the input and help. For years I've felt alone and thought I was the only one dealing with this.....but with this little thing called the internet it enables you to connect with the right people.....people who understand what you are going through.

I cannot express how grateful I am for all your input, and for this forum. It's a lifesaver really.

:'(

Quote from: Jess42 on September 02, 2014, 02:32:08 PM
It's alright. If I told you I rode to town on an ass. What would be your first thought. Riding on a butthole's shoulders or riding a mule to town? As a matter of fact either or answer may be right. :laugh:

A mule <3

Independence and dealing with your social anxiety should be priority number one.  Yes, getting out on your own will allow you to make decisions apart from your parents.  But that's not the whole reason.  Transition is a lot of work.  It requires planning and execution of a defined strategy. 

I'm making a big assumption here...but I'd say that you are likely still with your parents because of a passive mentality.  You're waiting for things to happen to you.  Your social anxieties are a real issue...I'm not discounting those at all.  But until you take a proactive approach and start to address those issues, you'll never be able to transition. 

I imagine that your parents could even be helpful in that process.  Without bringing up transition, you could ask for help in dealing with your social issues.  Tell them you're wanting to get on your own two feet and become more independent.  I'm sure they'd support that.  Then you can deal with gender issues later.

Quote from: iiMTF on September 02, 2014, 04:42:21 PM
A mule <3

OK. I stand corrected and shut my mouth. :D

I understand the issues very well. I had to deal with my parents as well. Let's just say that we have not talked for about 20 years now. We are like complete strangers now. It's sad, but it's life. Don't try to second guess how people will react either because generally it will be wrong. Maybe your parents will come around maybe not. If they don't then your options are, no transition until you are capable of supporting yourself, finding a friends basement or something you can live in or just suck it up and don't do anything. On the other hand you might find a welcoming hand or maybe even a partially welcoming hand. If you do, then try doing what you can without losing your support network. You really should discuss this with a therapist though. There is way more than just hormones and such as you are finding out.