Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I think I say it at least once a day.

I do say it sometimes...

hrt is no joke , I feel like a mutant or something , you dont go from male to female in one day , it takes years and it can get awkward...
but I guess one day the transformation will end :p

I'm glad I'm not the only one, I usually go for a couple of days where I'm mostly really happy with everything, then I'll have a bad one where I have at least a few wtf moments.
It's such a huge and long process so I guess it's inevitable.. I just make sure I look up and look at the beautiful sky, the glint of the sun on the sea or some beautiful trees and smile at how much more I'm affected by the beauty of the world now :) That usually helps me put those horrible doubts aside :) Such a hippy lol.

Around 28 times a week.

Hardly ever for me, sometimes I get dissapointed however HRT feels so nice & I cannot imagine life without estrogen.

The first week, a LOT.  I didn't want to be trans, but I sure liked what E was doing for me mentally.  I was still unsure whether I could ever transition socially.

I haven't questioned it in ages now.  It's a done deal.

Probably never. I did quit HRT twice in 7 years though, primarily because I thought it wasn't working. Glad I was wrong, as the results are overwhelmingly positive.  ;D

Not at all yet.

I started HRT on 1/2012, I have not said that yet, hopefully I can keep it that way...

A few times a week, easily.  I might look in the mirror and think, "Dude, are you insane? Trying to grow boobs and remove your beard and pretend you're a girl?  Get a grip!  You look frickin' ridiculous."

And then I think back to how miserable life was beforehand, and I'm like, "The only way forward is HRT.  Suck it up.  It gets better."

But most days, I'm happy and don't question myself too much.  It is what it is.

Never. Once started, well before that, I knew I was never going back. I used to dream of finding a way to get male hormones, being a kid and ignorant of all things possible. I used to dream of how to do a surgery and numerous other things, just to have a body that made sense. That was long before I knew it was already possible, and I knew then if I could do it, I would certainly never undo it.

One or two times I've had that thought that lasted maybe 5-10 seconds. I've been so happy with HRT I would never want to go back. I've reached to point of no return and glad I made it here.

Ironically I had a dream last night (or should I say nightmare) that I was shrunken and then enlarged back (probably from seeing the last Dr Who episode) by a machine. When I was enlarged again, all my body hair had come back and I had lost everything I gained from HRT. When I woke up and I was back to my normal feminine self, I was so relieved.

Hi Stephanie,
   I was so desperate to change into who I am now, I've never looked back even through the times I had no idea it would be this good, because I can honestly say I left NOTHING, NOTHING behind. If I had the slightest clue I'd even be able to tolerate, or endure my life, let alone feel the happiness that I do the vast majority of my life now and have since the day I 'decided' to transition (no decision at all, transition or die, and maybe die anyway!) I've never regretted a moment since I had my first shot of estradiol. I highly doubt if I ever will, and if I do, I know it will be momentary! Hugs, Mira

When I initially made the decision to start HRT I made a very determined choice to want to initiate it. I don't regret starting HRT and therefore I haven't had any moments where I stopped to think that what I was doing was whack.

In fact I've never felt internally more happier since starting.

Hi.

being a female is a bit different i spos,  so why would i even  think like that .

im hard wired female and  dont know how men think i never did  to me any hormones  i take are because i need them its not a wont,

like any woman and at my age most women do need them just they are not told this as we age we need a top up to help in not getting health issues   more so over the age of 50, at the start of the change of life,  so something to think about ,
For those of us who are different then its more importaint ,

Sorry,  i dont understand your thinking ,and others too i surpose,   to me its saying your unsure of your self  .ill look at it this way did i doubt my self in who i was /  am ,  simple answer no of cause not , i had other issues oh yes  just not about who i was  / am ,

Just one point what brings this on for you ,  whats behind this ?  lack of confidence may be,  not being totaly sure of who you are,  or some other reason. 

...noeleena...

I never have...
Granted I would never use that word (even a censored version)... But I haven't had the same sentiment in my thoughts either.
A few times I've gone "wow this is a huge step" but it was always me being impressed with how much I was willing to change to make myself feel right.

I'm really sorry but all I can think is "thank f'ing god" and "please don't ever let them stop this."

Once or twice per month.

Zero since 2011.

I began the process of becoming authentic only because not to was to die a little more inside every day.  For the first year, pretty much nobody knew - I even kept my beard (which was pretty dumb, but helped me feel stealthy).  Then ever so slowly Julie began to really emerge, at first only here and there and only now and then.  I was so scared, and so insecure that I questioned my motives and was convinced that all I would ever be was a never passing freak.  Pretty much only my therapist embraced what I was doing, and kept telling me that living as I truly was at the core would be okay, that beauty and femininity were there inside, and would emerge as I grew into womanhood.

Another year and a half passed.  Life got more interesting, I became more comfortable until I was Julie in every venue except at work.  A few months ago I began to live full time in my own girly skin.  Still I was nervous, questioning, and at times fearful.  Will I be accepted, can I live, play, love with femininity and grace?  Was I even sure what that meant?  Will anyone love and care for me?  The answer to all these questions is a big affirmative.  I no longer question, worry, nor am fearful.  I am who I am and if you think otherwise, it kinda sucks to be you.  I love myself and I love the people who love me.  It took as long as was necessary for me, but the only step remaining is confirmation surgery, and even that is no longer the end game for me.  My life is mine to live fully, joyfully, and authentically, now and forevermore!

Peace,
Julie

Well, being honest, I will not start HRT until the 23rd of this month, as that is my final doctors appointment before I start. That said though, even though after seven months of therapy and knowing for sure this is the right thing to do I still find myself going WTF are you doing at times. But then I look back at the miserable person I was before I started this adventure. I think if I wasn't a little scared about transition there would be seriously something wrong with me. Fear is a good thing I think. But with that, conquering that fear is wonderful feeling as each day I become more the person I was meant to be.

Not anymore. A little at the beginning but not now. But as estrogen and anti-androgens calmed me, and began to settle my mind and give me more clarity, I realized I never wanted to be dependent on testosterone ever again.

Now I keep hoping the facial hair will come to its end soon (soon being maybe the next 6 months or so). :P

Never anymore, but seven years into it I had a major wtf moment, pulled my ear piercings, cut my hair to white sidewalls and a quarter inch on top and lived like that for two years sans testicles until I became very ill and repented for my evil ways and resumed female HRT. I had other issues at the time and was suffering from emotional overload.

I actually feel like I know what I'm doing.  My journey has been very deliberate and too long delayed.  What we don't really know is how this trip will turn out and I have sometimes shocked myself by the changes I have embraced.  Having allowed myself this freedom it feels both wonderful and astonishing how fun it is to be a girl all the time. 

For the first year on HRT i was mostly euphoric and now life is becoming more routine and much of the novelty and celebrity is reduced.  It feels great to be out and even just blend in with other women as no big deal.  We're here, we're queer, get used to it!

Never. Ever.

I wasted enough of my life trying to be something I wasn't. Now I am able to really LIVE for the first time, and I would rather die than face the possibility of losing this.

It's been six years since my doctor diagnosed me as hypogonadic - Low testosterone.

Six months after I started HRT with testosterone, I was growing boobs and feeling very girly.  All this was caused by the conversion of testosterone to estradiol by the agency of the enzyme aromatase.

Through this accident of biochemistry I discovered the wonders of estrogen.  I began adding in Oestrogel and later injections of estradiol valerate.  I then weaned myself off testosterone.

Last Spring I had my free testosterone checked and it was lower than normal for a 65 year old woman.  Pretty close to zero.

I still take a testosterone shot every once in a while.  Healthy people have a mix of estrogen and testosterone.  It's only the relative ratio of hormones that make up male and female.   I believe that transwomen who try to get to zero testosterone are misguided.

I would like to note that when my testosterone was very low and my estrogen in a normal female range, my dysphoria disappeared almost completely.  I felt totally comfortable with my body and my place in society.  For the first time in my life I was comfortable with who I was.   I was just "me" and lacked discomfort with my sex or gender.  I wasn't interested in crossdressing or reading blogs or forums about transsexuality.

I had, however, become somewhat lazy and indolent.  I was sleeping more than I wanted to, and not exercising as much as I thought I should.

I added in some testosterone - just a little bit, and they dysphoria came back, even including a bit of (horrors!)  ->-bleeped-<-.  While I had been rather indifferent to my gender, the testosterone made me REALLY want to be girly.

I've posted this link before, but I'll post it here again.  Psychologist Anne Vitale has written on the connection between dysphoria and testosterone.  I think it's worth reading.  It certainly rings true with me:

http://www.avitale.com/TNote15Testosterone.htm

Randi

It makes sense to me, Randi.

Quote from: Randi on September 03, 2014, 01:40:34 PM

I still take a testosterone shot every once in a while.  Healthy people have a mix of estrogen and testosterone.  It's only the relative ratio of hormones that make up male and female.   I believe that transwomen who try to get to zero testosterone are misguided.

You're absolutely right about that! My spouse applies a very low dose T cream along with her HRT to boost her libido because her ovaries no longer produce any hormones. Women with no testosterone which is normally created along with female hormones in the ovaries will have zero libido. I had advised a post-op trans woman some time back who was complaining of having no libido and great difficulty having any orgasms to try a small amount, later she thanked me and said she was feeling like a real little sex pot.

"I had, however, become somewhat lazy and indolent.  I was sleeping more than I wanted to, and not exercising as much as I thought I should. I added in some testosterone - just a little bit, and they dysphoria came back, even including a bit of (horrors!)  ->-bleeped-<-.  While I had been rather indifferent to my gender, the testosterone made me REALLY want to be girly"

testosterone isnt bad and women need it too it effects motivation and drive, it can effect a persons thinking in a positive way too much testosterone is bad but a tiny bit every once in a while all women need . people need to seek balance . to be a woman is to also have some testosterone . the hormones that are naturally in a woman , both estrogen and testosterone , is what should be duplicated when a person becomes a woman ...... dont change nature just duplicate it we are only humans not God - a perfect combination of hormones exists for both men and women so be advised and monitored by a professional who knows exactly what a healthy balance of each is and if you do need to add or subtract anything  . you may have to take some form of testosterone if you find yourself sluggish and unmotivated or passive to the extreme or less competitive/agressive at work and thats causing a problem for you . post op each woman is different and a doctor would know the levels of testosterone you are producing post op .  testosterone is also produced by the pituitary gland in very small amounts as needed in social situations and your body produces what is needed when your mind says that its needed , but if you are having any trouble in your energy level or motivation you might have to take a dose of testosterone every once in a while until your body adjusts .

One time in four years. I think it was right after the third or forth time my boyfriend broke up with me.

I have yet to question my decision to transition or go on hrt in the last ten years. I question a lot of other stupid things I do in life, but not that.

Well I regularly wonder how in the goddess' name I've managed to lose my phone for the 3rd time that day, but I've never questioned being on HRT.

I don't have any doubt about hrt. But I do keep wondering on how I am going to transition socially

Never had any doubts, never had a negative thought about it; life as a male was killing me, and the moment I got on HRT I was relieved. I am an infinitely happier person than I was before, and I can finally look at myself in the mirror without crying. Best part: I don't hate myself anymore.

best depression treatment I've ever received; the only thing that could bring me down is if I somehow was taken off HRT

well, I never want to  quit because my whole life has dealt with this issue.  I found out  by accident that  if I skip estrogen on the  third day of not having it I start spiraling towards severe  depression. Its happened twice on the  third day so far .  I really need it for  my mental health.

I never say it. Injection day does not come fast enough every week!!  :)

Never!!!

However before HT it was extremely frequent.

Huggs

I think that for me these moments are actually incrememtal jumps in perception.  What I mean by this is that the socially enforced and ingrained male perception (ability to understand/insight etc.) is eroding away and being replaced with a new perspective.  This very real biological change is directly due to hrt, it's just that it is so gradual that my perception of it comes in segments.  Fortuneately for me there has not been a misinterpretation of perception that would be a 'oh jeez what have I done', but more of a stopping at the mirror...deep breath....pause....rapid realighnment of thinking...grin.... then proceed with whatever the heck I'm was doing (if I can remember that is). Dani

Quote from: Newgirl Dani on September 04, 2014, 10:31:33 AM
I think that for me these moments are actually incrememtal jumps in perception.  What I mean by this is that the socially enforced and ingrained male perception (ability to understand/insight etc.) is eroding away and being replaced with a new perspective.  This very real biological change is directly due to hrt, it's just that it is so gradual that my perception of it comes in segments.  Fortuneately for me there has not been a misinterpretation of perception that would be a 'oh jeez what have I done', but more of a stopping at the mirror...deep breath....pause....rapid realighnment of thinking...grin.... then proceed with whatever the heck I'm was doing (if I can remember that is). Dani

I get that Dani! I used to tell the newbys that were considering HRT that the experience can be compared to rolling a snowball down a steep snow covered hill, it increases in size and speed, so it goes with those of us on HRT as it can be most addictive to those with GID, eventually there is no turning back.

socially enforced and ingrained male perception (ability to understand/insight etc.) is eroding away and being replaced with a new perspective.
really hormones play a more important role in how a person actually thinks than social expectations and proof of that is that your thoughts just very easily change completely despite society around you . it has not changed but you have despite that. and if we were plucked out of this society and placed into an entirely new one we would still think the same based on our hormones which controls our thoughts and feelings you can get on a hormonal rollercoaster ride and can go crazy literally if your hormones are all out of wack

Never.  In the time I've spent on HRT I've grown to be happier and more comfortable then I ever have before.  There's not a thing in this world that could make me question the direction of my life in that respect. :D

For the first year or so, it was a couple times a week.

Now, I gladly take my pills as part of my morning routine and never give it a second thought.

Would like to eventually not have to worry about the spiro, though.

Maybe for about 5 seconds if the T shot was painful (my own fault of course...so it's more of a bap to myself for that). The world makes sense to me on T, and it never did before. It's like I spent my life trying to function in a world where everyone else knew all the secrets and wasn't sharing. Now I know them too. Maybe even some others don't know.

I sat down with my girlfriend a few nights ago and looked through some old photos of me as a kid, and she started laughing her ass off. Granted, she's known me for years...but we met during my "I'm a lesbian" phase. She told me she saw a little boy in the pics despite having longer curly hair, and nothing about a little girl. Damm I love that woman.

I always have my doubts , but I always see that little girl  wearing her sisters  clothes.

Quote from: FalseHybridPrincess on September 02, 2014, 07:18:08 PM
I do say it sometimes...

hrt is no joke , I feel like a mutant or something , you dont go from male to female in one day , it takes years and it can get awkward...
but I guess one day the transformation will end :p

This.

There was a time where i did a fair bit, i guess i was asking myself if i was sure about what im doing, now nearly 4 months in im very sure and loving whats happening and cannot remember the last time i said what the f am i doing

I would say about 2-3 times a month.  Mostly always out of fear if I'm choosing the right path.  When it comes down to it, there is no right path.  From what I've seen at least.  I could live as a boy but would most likely be depressed alot.  But life would be easier.  I could continue on with my HRT and eventual SRS, and I "pray" that I would be making a wise but costly decision.  I'm not depressed anymore, just scared.  I know I will lose family along the way, and it will take a long time to be as close to being a whole woman as possible.  But I've already flipped 180 degrees.  Semi masculine guy, with past female relationships.  To a passable quite feminine (tomboyish - thankfully) woman, and on my first relationship with a guy.  So, if I looked back at what's happened over the 6 months on HRT and ask myself WTF and I doing?  My answer would simply be, "finding peace within myself, feeling happy and balanced within my own body".

I feel that if I have made a mistake, in which going back to being male would be pointless, because of everything that I've been through and that has happen to my body, I would be a poor excuse for a guy.

The things I have felt and experienced within my transition so far have been worth it, if I died from doing this tomorrow, I would have no regrets.  In 25 years, of dwelling over, thinking about constantly, dreaming, feeling depressed, sad, etc. I have never felt so relaxed in my mind and body then I have these last 6 months.  Was it worth it..thus far?  Yes..I believe so.

Not since I transitioned to full time. Before that, once I started going out as Grace and realised that part of my transition was working, the doubts started to subside significantly.

My therapist helped me with that... I would think  WTF am I making the right decision.. and she would say.. lets think about this logically.. then I think back about when I was in total dude mode before transition.  I see myself as I was and feel sorry for myself back then...
Most my stress now is just the transition process.. fear of full time... but I am loving the process.. I feel blessed to be moving forward...
Carrie

When I first started HRT it was a real light dose.  I was on it for a few months and then stopped.  It made me feel better but I was too scared about my relationships, my kids and someday my grandkids.  Would I be something in between?  I had trouble imagining I would or could go all the way.  What was going to happen if I stayed on that path?  I was really pressed and fought back my desire to be female as I had been doing since I could remember.  In the end I simply couldn't fight back anymore.  Self-acceptance, HRT and finally talking with my wife let me achieve happiness I had never attained.   I think you really need to question it some.  The change is just too profound to not do so.  Hopefully though you reach peace with your decision.  My question is more about how far and how fast but not about the path itself. 
I don't ask at all now.  I smile.  I note the changes that are on me and I feel good.  I'm with Carrie and feel blessed to be going in the right direction.

my problem was I kept fighting myself until I couldn't take it anymore.
I'm a much  happier person.

I wavered for a few hours before taking the 1st pills then again at the 3 week point then never again. At the 3 week point the impact of what was happening hit and I had to recheck and say are you sure. At the time I was on Spiro, E and fin and I guess my system switched from T to E and at that point the changes fully hit and the real future was in sight. I think at some moment I realized the new me (way unfinished) was so much better than the past person.  I do not think I was questioning HRT so much as questioning if the changes would make life worth living at the potential of losing everything. I guess the all or nothing point.

Ehhh, can't say I have, since November, 2012, the time I started hrt for the long haul.

Never really. Sometimes I look at myself naked and think "I really did it. I turned myself almost completely female. No one eve thinks I'm a guy, even without shaving and makeup." Sometimes when I realize all this and think I have this incredibly hot BF I feel like I am in a dream. But it's never what the eff have I done! More I can't believe I really did it.

Not since my body adjusted and I no longer suffered some rather unpleasant introductory side effects.. Maybe 4 weeks in?

I never realised life could be such fun.

For me why the f didn't I do it earlier.

I'm alive and loving it!!!!

It is about 6 years since I first started HRT and I still think it. In my case I see two major factors, first is I fought needing to go to the TS side of the spectrum trying to think of myself as just a CD, with generally bad impacts on the rest of my emotional self and very very bad on my life. So once again (far from my first on low level HRT) I crossed the line, admitted defeat, and thus once again became a failure as a man. All that on top of feeling I was already a monumental failure.  Yet over time I got that much needed brain reset. Life was getting better in general. But I'd still have my WTF am I doing periods lasting up to months. But, no way could I stop HRT it just made things look far far darker.

Today, the pendulum has swung the other direction. I freak out now knowing what I eventually need to do for myself to be healthier and happier while evaluating the potential cost of that in all the other areas of my life such as my career and my SO.

I would be a lot more concerned if someone never had doubts. Everything you do in life bears a cost. For you it may be minor, or you just may be blinding yourself to them. Only you can decide if the cost is justified.

Wow this one really hit home! It's like you read my mind...There are so many questions...what ifs'. I don't want to end looking like a science experiment that went wrong. Am I giving up on myself as a man and letting my emotions take over? Will God still love me if I change what He has made? So many question without answers...I don't think I have ever been this scared in my life  :(

I never say that anymore. I used to.

Not once since day 1 of hrt. Ever. Not one regret, i killed that guy and never looked back once.

Never since i'm in HRT. Before i often asked "why the f i am not doing it"... and now i regret not doing it earlier in my life.

Quote from: secret on September 07, 2014, 10:13:17 AM
Never since i'm in HRT. Before i often asked "why the f i am not doing it"... and now i regret not doing it earlier in my life.

I'm with you secret.  Just yesterday I was thinking that it was a bummer that I will have fewer years as a girl due to waiting so long. 

Heck, I could have kept more of my hair!

Quote from: CrysC on September 07, 2014, 12:02:02 PM
I'm with you secret.  Just yesterday I was thinking that it was a bummer that I will have fewer years as a girl due to waiting so long. 

Heck, I could have kept more of my hair!

I just miss all the pretty dresses I could of  worn 

During the first month I questioned it a few times a week.

Two months into full time, I never do.  This feels right for me.

Good luck. Persevere.  Have faith in yourself.

Hugs
Julia

Quote from: Julia-Madrid on September 07, 2014, 05:29:09 PM
During the first month I questioned it a few times a week.

Two months into full time, I never do.  This feels right for me.

Good luck. Persevere.  Have faith in yourself.

Hugs
Julia

I love the changes too much to turn back. I'm 11 months in and riding  a tidal wave of enjoyment

I am pre-HRT, and I usually think "what the f am I not doing"

Quote from: Auroramarianna on September 07, 2014, 06:04:39 PM
I am pre-HRT, and I usually think "what the f am I not doing"

its a major change your contemplating

Sometimes, you have to acknowledge the little voice inside of you, and do some serious soul searching, and if you decide not to move forward with transition, that's ok, just do what is right for you.

Quote from: Auroramarianna on September 07, 2014, 06:04:39 PM
I am pre-HRT, and I usually think "what the f am I not doing"

I alternate between this one and the one in the title of the thread.  Though the need to move forward is winning.  What was I thinking all those years?

It is scary moving forward, thinking about HRT and permanent changes.  I am sure I will ask, "what the f.. am I doing?" many more times.  But I also know that is will take a small army to stop me from moving forward at this point.

I've said it quite often, and some mornings I still do.  After a couple cups of coffee and some clear thinking, I realize that I am doing the right thing.  I think the main reason I ask myself is because I have a few things going on in my life that are causing more stress than I care to handle.  First thing some mornings these issues clutter my mind and I can't get back to sleep, hence the thought.  HRT over six months now with no intentions of quitting.

I never have.  Of course I asked myself why isn't anything happening?
which led to lots of research.  Which of course led me to find, that I have an intersex condition.
most likely"Partial Androgen insensitivy Syndrome".

Quote from: missymay on September 07, 2014, 07:02:42 PM
Sometimes, you have to acknowledge the little voice inside of you, and do some serious soul searching, and if you decide not to move forward with transition, that's ok, just do what is right for you.

You know, MissyMay, I have been talking to a few people about that little voice inside you, and surprisingly to me, some people claim not to understand what I'm going on about....   :o

But I listen to mine when it squeaks, screams,or gets indignant, and so far it appears to be a very happy little voice :D

When I first started I did do that quite a lot. But I couldn't deny that I was feeling soooo gooooood after starting e which just made me go... Eh life goes on and loving it :D haha

Same here Annabelle,
I was warned that if I am truly trans there could be no turning back.. for me being free and myself is so wonderful.. I have gained a lot.. but there are losses.. Its really not much of a choice.  A year ago I was giving up on life.. now I am fighting back and gonna win the battle..no doubt..
Carrie

Quote from: Annabelle on September 09, 2014, 09:25:26 AM
When I first started I did do that quite a lot. But I couldn't deny that I was feeling soooo gooooood after starting e which just made me go... Eh life goes on and loving it :D haha

Quote from: CrysC on September 07, 2014, 12:02:02 PM
I'm with you secret.  Just yesterday I was thinking that it was a bummer that I will have fewer years as a girl due to waiting so long. 

Heck, I could have kept more of my hair!

I'm just missing the early years of my life what i never had, then teenager years and the twens. But now i try to look forward and enjoy the years coming.

Zero.  Sometimes, at random moments, will think "I'm on hormones!" and I will get this rush of joy.  I calmed down so much once they got into my system and started working their magic.  I'm ten months in and can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!

BTW I am in my early 40s and I remember sneaking "women's vitamins" in my 20's (buying them "by mistake" or "for my sister") hoping they had estrogen in them and that's what made them women's :-)