Community Conversation => Transsexual talk => Male to female transsexual talk (MTF) => Topic started by: devon14 on September 04, 2014, 02:07:07 PM Return to Full Version
Title: My story updated
Post by: devon14 on September 04, 2014, 02:07:07 PM
Post by: devon14 on September 04, 2014, 02:07:07 PM
Hey Everyone,
This is a continuation of my story that I posted on here a few months ago. I have copied and pasted what I wrote before then so that the story flows better. I hope this helps people as much as others stories helped me in my time of need. :)
Just four months ago, if you came up to me and told me that my life was going to be the most positive it has ever been in my entire life in just four months, I would have probably just scoffed at you angrily. Only but four months ago, I was at my lowest point in terms of my mental stability. I was about ready to commit suicide as I was experiencing the worst amount of dysphoria that I've ever experienced in my entire life. I could no longer stand living like a male and my mind was screaming to let this girl out that was having the life choked out of her by this exterior male shell. I literally felt that there was no hope for me and would constantly think and dream of different ways to end my life with each passing day.
I was just starting to see a gender therapist at the time and was telling him how dysphoric, suicidal, and depressed I felt and that I kept wanting to end my life. He helped me cope with my rising depression and gave me a list of doctors that I could see about starting hormones. At the time, I also joined a weekly support group which helped me hang in there while I waited for the doctors visit that was scheduled four weeks out to evaluate my candidacy for hormone treatment. Those four weeks felt like years as I would continually stress over the most negative what ifs in my mind such as; what if they find a health issue with me that I never knew about till now that would keep me from doing hormones? What if they don't believe i need them? What if i get stone walled and am not allowed to take them after i have extensive counseling for months or years?! What if the hormones have no effect on me? These thoughts would make it very difficult to sleep at night.
Finally, on April 2nd 2014, I went in to see this new doctor of mine that was about to change my life forever. She and the staff were very kind and very trans friendly. Before she did anything, she asked me why I wanted to do this. I told her of all the struggles with my dysphoria that I've had from childhood till now and how depressed and suicidal I have become. She then ensured that I was mentally stable enough to be safe when leaving the office that day and I assured her that I would be fine. She then gave me a physical and drew my blood. After the exam, she informed me that it would take at least two weeks to get the blood results back. In my head, I was like "Great, time to worry for another two weeks!". A mere few days after my visit, the doctor had gotten the blood results back earlier than anticipated and sent me an email telling me that I can start hormones. I was so excited and happy that I almost cried! I was right on the obesity line of 207 pounds standing at 5' 10" and my blood sugar was a little high as well. Due to my blood test results coming back early, I was able to go in to see my doctor an an earlier date than previously anticipated. After visiting my doctor, she highly recommended that I start a diet such as the Mediterranean diet in order to get my weight in check and my blood sugar down. Before this time, It was always hard for me to keep up a diet because I would constantly get depressed which would cause me to give up on my diet every single time as ultimately I found diet and health as a waste because I was supporting a body that I hated. I agreed to start dieting and made a promise to myself that I would not give up on my diet this time and that I would stay as dedicated as possible.
A few weeks before going on hormones, I came out to all of my friend's and family for which I received a lot of loving support. I felt more confident than ever that life was starting to make a turn in the right direction but still worried that hormones might not have an effect on me for whatever reason. After taking my first dose of hormones, I felt so happy and relieved that I finally started. A few weeks after being on hormones, my depression completely went away and I became more energetic, driven, social, and just felt like I was living for the first time. I would commonly make the analogy to people that I felt as though I was frozen in a vault and just recently thawed and brought to life.
At the time, I was happier and much more sociable than I ever have been but I was at this social stage of talking to people but feeling like I wasn't making any friendships yet. I was so upset at myself because I had a lot of loving and supporting male friends but they did not meet these emotional needs that I needed as a woman that I knew making more female friends would resolve. I started going to more social events than I ever have in my life and started meeting some very interesting people. At the time, i was still afraid to dress publicly so I would dress as a male on my social outings, all of these outings were trans get togethers. I then slowly started to make some connections which fostered even more connections, I thought that I was actually getting somewhere. Where I felt I was really lacking was having any close female friends which highly bugged me because I felt that I connected with females on such a different level than males and was constantly upset at the fact that there were different factors keeping me from making female friends such as when I would present as male and wanted to make close female friends, I would be talking to them and then as soon as I asked if they wanted to hang out sometime they would instantly reject any idea to hang out as they thought I was hitting on them. This fact made me very depressed.
When I came out though to my department at work, I was instantly able to make some female friends. Most everyone has been very supportive (except for one person whom has already been reported to HR). It feels like the lights have finally been turned on in my brain as I'm such an improved person overall after starting all of this. This transition has done nothing but help me develop as a person as life is just so enjoyable now vs before I just wanted nothing to do with life anymore.
A social group that I would attend regularly was the biggest help in my efforts to make new friends. I met many people and have established a ton of long lasting friendships as a result of that weekly social group. I also unknowingly met my future girlfriend at that social group as well. After three or so months of being on hormones, I feel as though I connect to my female friends\family so much more than I ever did with my male friends\family. I now am almost exclusively with my female circle of friends and my male friends although still highly supportive of me, I do not see them nearly as often as I used to which is OK with me. I no longer have the anxiety of needing a sense of community or wanting more good close friends as I feel that I am now at a place where I have that need covered in my life, something that I would have never been able to say up until this point in my life.
The right hormones in my system have been an amazing thing to witness and experience. My brain functions so much better now with estrogen than it ever did with testosterone. I feel like I can understand my emotions and thoughts so much better as a result. This better understanding has allowed to succeed so much more at all aspects of my life. Hormones have definitely been hard to handle at times though. I was on pills at first for my estrogen which for me could cause huge fluctuations in my mood. So much so that my doctor recommended that I split up my dosages of my pills four times throughout the day in order to keep my mood better stabilized. This was not only hard to keep track of but it didnt always work out as smoothly as I would have liked it to in terms of managing my mood. In August of this year, my doctor had recommended that I go on shots instead of pills as she noticed through my latest blood tests that my estrogen levels in my blood were lower than they should be. She also recommended shots to me as they had the potential to improve my mood and changes would happen faster which I expressed a desire in a while back.
I started taking shots under my doctors supervision. The first time I did it, my doctor administered the shot for me. Two weeks from then, my doctor had me do it under her supervision. I just recently took my third estrogen shot but will be going back into my doctors in two weeks to do it under her supervision one last time as the time before last, I almost fainted injecting myself which concerned my doctor. My mood has definitely improved as a result of shots and changes are happening so much quicker (god do my boobs hurt so much more now!).
The changes that I have noticed with hormones are my skin feels softer and looks thinner, my breasts have grown by a bit (areolas have expanded a good deal both outwards and upwards), butt has been getting a little bigger, my sides and hips have been getting more shape, my eye color has become a lighter shade of brown, my body hair is a different texture and grows much more slowly, feminine mannerisms seem to come to me much more instinctively, I have lost some physical strength, I shrunk in height by one inch, My eyes have started to change in shape, my facial features have noticeably softened, and my emotions seem like they are much more stable and in check but when I do get emotional regardless of the emotion that I'm feeling, it feels so differently and more authentic than they ever did before hormones. Shots have sped up things so considerably, its amazing the changes that I am noticing week by week now. EXCLAIMER: DO NOT USE MY MEDICAL EXPERIENCES AS ADVICE FOR YOURSELF. ALWAYS CONTACT A DOCTOR BEFORE DOING ANYTHING TO YOURSELF!!!
As I continued to develop mentally through this transition of mine, the desire and need for a relationship was ever increasing. I was still exploring my sexuality at the time and didn't really quite understand what my sexual preferences were. Before transition, I didn't really have any sexual preferences. It was scary for me back then as I though that I was asexual and would never be attracted to anyone in my life. this was deeply terrifying to me as I knew deep inside that this notion was not true and that my sexual preferences were just locked away somewhere, waiting to be discovered. For a month or so I tried my hand at online dating. I posted an online profile and claimed that I was straight and only into men. I had tons of replies and quickly learned just how misogynistic a lot of men can be. I tried dating a few of them but was ultimately unsatisfied with every date I went on. I just didn't feel like being straight was my thing. I had a feeling that a girl I met at one of my regular social get togethers was interested in me from her behavior that she exhibited around me. I was so nervous as I did not want to be wrong about this and wanted to ensure that I would not be rejected. I asked her to go on a "date" to the aquarium. She had no idea that it was a date at the time but now I know that at the time we both knew that it was a date but neither of us wanted to say anything about it and just enjoyed our time together. We then later went on an official date and had a great time. Nothing was too serious after that though. It was a matter of just taking our time as neither of us had really dated anyone. We then later went on a camping trip for some true bonding and felt that after that we were ready to announce our relationship to everyone. Our relationship after went over some bumps in the road but now its been only smooth sailing so far and we enjoy each others company every day. I would never have imagined that I would be in such a relationship before transition. I am at such a magical and amazing point in my life right now; tons of close friends, close and supportive family, a supportive work environment, and most importantly a loving girlfriend.
To be continued.....
Thought I would share my story thus far as I hope it helps those of you whom are currently struggling with starting your transition. It will get better! Just keep up the hope and push forward!
Please tell me if you like this format that my story is in or if you have improvements on how i should structure this ongoing story. Also if you have any questions about my experiences so far, feel free to PM me! I would love to help. :)
This is a continuation of my story that I posted on here a few months ago. I have copied and pasted what I wrote before then so that the story flows better. I hope this helps people as much as others stories helped me in my time of need. :)
Just four months ago, if you came up to me and told me that my life was going to be the most positive it has ever been in my entire life in just four months, I would have probably just scoffed at you angrily. Only but four months ago, I was at my lowest point in terms of my mental stability. I was about ready to commit suicide as I was experiencing the worst amount of dysphoria that I've ever experienced in my entire life. I could no longer stand living like a male and my mind was screaming to let this girl out that was having the life choked out of her by this exterior male shell. I literally felt that there was no hope for me and would constantly think and dream of different ways to end my life with each passing day.
I was just starting to see a gender therapist at the time and was telling him how dysphoric, suicidal, and depressed I felt and that I kept wanting to end my life. He helped me cope with my rising depression and gave me a list of doctors that I could see about starting hormones. At the time, I also joined a weekly support group which helped me hang in there while I waited for the doctors visit that was scheduled four weeks out to evaluate my candidacy for hormone treatment. Those four weeks felt like years as I would continually stress over the most negative what ifs in my mind such as; what if they find a health issue with me that I never knew about till now that would keep me from doing hormones? What if they don't believe i need them? What if i get stone walled and am not allowed to take them after i have extensive counseling for months or years?! What if the hormones have no effect on me? These thoughts would make it very difficult to sleep at night.
Finally, on April 2nd 2014, I went in to see this new doctor of mine that was about to change my life forever. She and the staff were very kind and very trans friendly. Before she did anything, she asked me why I wanted to do this. I told her of all the struggles with my dysphoria that I've had from childhood till now and how depressed and suicidal I have become. She then ensured that I was mentally stable enough to be safe when leaving the office that day and I assured her that I would be fine. She then gave me a physical and drew my blood. After the exam, she informed me that it would take at least two weeks to get the blood results back. In my head, I was like "Great, time to worry for another two weeks!". A mere few days after my visit, the doctor had gotten the blood results back earlier than anticipated and sent me an email telling me that I can start hormones. I was so excited and happy that I almost cried! I was right on the obesity line of 207 pounds standing at 5' 10" and my blood sugar was a little high as well. Due to my blood test results coming back early, I was able to go in to see my doctor an an earlier date than previously anticipated. After visiting my doctor, she highly recommended that I start a diet such as the Mediterranean diet in order to get my weight in check and my blood sugar down. Before this time, It was always hard for me to keep up a diet because I would constantly get depressed which would cause me to give up on my diet every single time as ultimately I found diet and health as a waste because I was supporting a body that I hated. I agreed to start dieting and made a promise to myself that I would not give up on my diet this time and that I would stay as dedicated as possible.
A few weeks before going on hormones, I came out to all of my friend's and family for which I received a lot of loving support. I felt more confident than ever that life was starting to make a turn in the right direction but still worried that hormones might not have an effect on me for whatever reason. After taking my first dose of hormones, I felt so happy and relieved that I finally started. A few weeks after being on hormones, my depression completely went away and I became more energetic, driven, social, and just felt like I was living for the first time. I would commonly make the analogy to people that I felt as though I was frozen in a vault and just recently thawed and brought to life.
At the time, I was happier and much more sociable than I ever have been but I was at this social stage of talking to people but feeling like I wasn't making any friendships yet. I was so upset at myself because I had a lot of loving and supporting male friends but they did not meet these emotional needs that I needed as a woman that I knew making more female friends would resolve. I started going to more social events than I ever have in my life and started meeting some very interesting people. At the time, i was still afraid to dress publicly so I would dress as a male on my social outings, all of these outings were trans get togethers. I then slowly started to make some connections which fostered even more connections, I thought that I was actually getting somewhere. Where I felt I was really lacking was having any close female friends which highly bugged me because I felt that I connected with females on such a different level than males and was constantly upset at the fact that there were different factors keeping me from making female friends such as when I would present as male and wanted to make close female friends, I would be talking to them and then as soon as I asked if they wanted to hang out sometime they would instantly reject any idea to hang out as they thought I was hitting on them. This fact made me very depressed.
When I came out though to my department at work, I was instantly able to make some female friends. Most everyone has been very supportive (except for one person whom has already been reported to HR). It feels like the lights have finally been turned on in my brain as I'm such an improved person overall after starting all of this. This transition has done nothing but help me develop as a person as life is just so enjoyable now vs before I just wanted nothing to do with life anymore.
A social group that I would attend regularly was the biggest help in my efforts to make new friends. I met many people and have established a ton of long lasting friendships as a result of that weekly social group. I also unknowingly met my future girlfriend at that social group as well. After three or so months of being on hormones, I feel as though I connect to my female friends\family so much more than I ever did with my male friends\family. I now am almost exclusively with my female circle of friends and my male friends although still highly supportive of me, I do not see them nearly as often as I used to which is OK with me. I no longer have the anxiety of needing a sense of community or wanting more good close friends as I feel that I am now at a place where I have that need covered in my life, something that I would have never been able to say up until this point in my life.
The right hormones in my system have been an amazing thing to witness and experience. My brain functions so much better now with estrogen than it ever did with testosterone. I feel like I can understand my emotions and thoughts so much better as a result. This better understanding has allowed to succeed so much more at all aspects of my life. Hormones have definitely been hard to handle at times though. I was on pills at first for my estrogen which for me could cause huge fluctuations in my mood. So much so that my doctor recommended that I split up my dosages of my pills four times throughout the day in order to keep my mood better stabilized. This was not only hard to keep track of but it didnt always work out as smoothly as I would have liked it to in terms of managing my mood. In August of this year, my doctor had recommended that I go on shots instead of pills as she noticed through my latest blood tests that my estrogen levels in my blood were lower than they should be. She also recommended shots to me as they had the potential to improve my mood and changes would happen faster which I expressed a desire in a while back.
I started taking shots under my doctors supervision. The first time I did it, my doctor administered the shot for me. Two weeks from then, my doctor had me do it under her supervision. I just recently took my third estrogen shot but will be going back into my doctors in two weeks to do it under her supervision one last time as the time before last, I almost fainted injecting myself which concerned my doctor. My mood has definitely improved as a result of shots and changes are happening so much quicker (god do my boobs hurt so much more now!).
The changes that I have noticed with hormones are my skin feels softer and looks thinner, my breasts have grown by a bit (areolas have expanded a good deal both outwards and upwards), butt has been getting a little bigger, my sides and hips have been getting more shape, my eye color has become a lighter shade of brown, my body hair is a different texture and grows much more slowly, feminine mannerisms seem to come to me much more instinctively, I have lost some physical strength, I shrunk in height by one inch, My eyes have started to change in shape, my facial features have noticeably softened, and my emotions seem like they are much more stable and in check but when I do get emotional regardless of the emotion that I'm feeling, it feels so differently and more authentic than they ever did before hormones. Shots have sped up things so considerably, its amazing the changes that I am noticing week by week now. EXCLAIMER: DO NOT USE MY MEDICAL EXPERIENCES AS ADVICE FOR YOURSELF. ALWAYS CONTACT A DOCTOR BEFORE DOING ANYTHING TO YOURSELF!!!
As I continued to develop mentally through this transition of mine, the desire and need for a relationship was ever increasing. I was still exploring my sexuality at the time and didn't really quite understand what my sexual preferences were. Before transition, I didn't really have any sexual preferences. It was scary for me back then as I though that I was asexual and would never be attracted to anyone in my life. this was deeply terrifying to me as I knew deep inside that this notion was not true and that my sexual preferences were just locked away somewhere, waiting to be discovered. For a month or so I tried my hand at online dating. I posted an online profile and claimed that I was straight and only into men. I had tons of replies and quickly learned just how misogynistic a lot of men can be. I tried dating a few of them but was ultimately unsatisfied with every date I went on. I just didn't feel like being straight was my thing. I had a feeling that a girl I met at one of my regular social get togethers was interested in me from her behavior that she exhibited around me. I was so nervous as I did not want to be wrong about this and wanted to ensure that I would not be rejected. I asked her to go on a "date" to the aquarium. She had no idea that it was a date at the time but now I know that at the time we both knew that it was a date but neither of us wanted to say anything about it and just enjoyed our time together. We then later went on an official date and had a great time. Nothing was too serious after that though. It was a matter of just taking our time as neither of us had really dated anyone. We then later went on a camping trip for some true bonding and felt that after that we were ready to announce our relationship to everyone. Our relationship after went over some bumps in the road but now its been only smooth sailing so far and we enjoy each others company every day. I would never have imagined that I would be in such a relationship before transition. I am at such a magical and amazing point in my life right now; tons of close friends, close and supportive family, a supportive work environment, and most importantly a loving girlfriend.
To be continued.....
Thought I would share my story thus far as I hope it helps those of you whom are currently struggling with starting your transition. It will get better! Just keep up the hope and push forward!
Please tell me if you like this format that my story is in or if you have improvements on how i should structure this ongoing story. Also if you have any questions about my experiences so far, feel free to PM me! I would love to help. :)