Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Even though I have dysphoria, and I have my everyday struggles identifying as a male, I still strongly identify with male voices in my music, I guess we all have 'rockstar' dreams and sing in the shower, I play guitar, I'm not very good yet, but I always sort of see myself singing like a male and presenting as one. I am a big time, BIG TIME day dreamer, And when I dream about being an actor or politician or something, I sort of see myself as a male or... at least an androgynous female who is boyish..... As soon as reality kicks in, and I think about my personal life, and relationships and all that, is when I start feeling like I want to be a female. It seems androgyny is key to me either way,

It's kind of intriguing, yet frustrating, does ANYBODY else feel this way? what is with my head....?

I do, for sure!  Androgyny is amazing-it transcends gender in the best possible way.  I thought for a few years that I wasn't transgender because I didn't want to wear pink floral dresses-I wanted to wear suit jackets, cut my hair short, and rock a pair of leather boots.  Now my presentation is actually a bit more fluid, but that's not important.  It sounds to me that you feel constrained by this cultural model of gender we have in place where one segment of the population can do one thing and where the other half can do other things.  There's nothing wrong with not wanting to be girly-you shouldn't have to choose between masculinity and femininity; neither of them exist outside our culture.

Thanks for the reply, androgynouspainter26 :), It's always to hear from someone who can relate. I guess I'm 'neutral' or a bit of both, but I'd feel a lot more comfortable if I leaned on one side, rather than feeling right in the middle as I do now. If I were given freedom to express myself, maybe I'd experiment and find my right look and right attitude. Maybe I would switch between androgynous and fem as I saw fit. :)

Being andro seems right to me, I find male clothes are very convenient and 'comfy', and having short, boyish hair is easy to maintain, and yet I could feel feminine inside. I may change soon and have a different opinion soon, I really don't know ;)

Cin,

You'll get there in no time at all!  Find people you want to model your look after (always fun) and then go for it...when you're non-binary, you realize that gender isn't a fixed set of rules, it isn't a binary or even a spectrum.  It's a playground, and you should always feel free to overturn a few stones :) 

Stay pretty/handsome,
Sasha

Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on September 06, 2014, 11:52:02 AM
Cin,

You'll get there in no time at all!  Find people you want to model your look after (always fun) and then go for it...when you're non-binary, you realize that gender isn't a fixed set of rules, it isn't a binary or even a spectrum.  It's a playground, and you should always feel free to overturn a few stones :) 

Stay pretty/handsome,
Sasha

Thank you. and I do feel a sense of 'freedom' being non-binary, and I've learnt to be comfortable about opening up about my non-binary nature, I was kind of scared of being told I'm not trans in the beginning. :)

Quote from: Cin on September 06, 2014, 10:45:07 AM
It's kind of intriguing, yet frustrating, does ANYBODY else feel this way? what is with my head....?

I have always heard the sides of my thoughts as feminine or masculine, but still very close in those thoughts that come as a voice, like reading out loud in your head kinda thoughts.
I identify them as she and he, but they are for the most part, a blend of a single voice, thought, and/or feeling of feminine and masculine at the same time.
They aren't separate, they are reflections of gender, as the thoughts, feelings are just me, they do have slightly different variations to them.
Under stress they do become more apparent, but not by much.
There was a time of huge stress that did separate them much more way back when, but the stress was the job, not within myself.
Actually it was the realization of the way gender played out that kept me alive for well over a year living in a extreme stress situation.
It was a time where they did become much more apparent to me, more so than they ever had.
It still happens every so often, but not to that same degree.

In talking to someone the other day, I showed them by placing my hands together and told them it is a thought, there are diferent sides to them, it doesn't matter what or which they are.
I them twisted them counter to each and explained that where they now don't match up, that is the awareness of the differences.
Pulling them slightly apart was my version of extreme stress, when they both go into a protection mode of a sort.
For the most part, both hands represent every thought, all of my thinking, my awareness of the world around me.
There are different sides, there are to most things in the ways we think.
Young and old. Good and bad. Left or right? Why would apparent gender thinking be any different?
Studies, mostly based on questionnaires, have indicated that most people think in terms of themselves as an 80/20 split, but identify with the 80%.
That's most people, they think in those same kinds of terms, don't sense the counter rotating hands image...
Non-binary is simply more apparent in thinking in a more even split.
There are people I'm sure who are around an even split and aren't aware and consider themselves as binary, which is just fine...
There are people who have less than that 80/20 and are acutely aware and do consider themselves to be non-binary in their own ways...

I personally look for the differences and use them to my advantage, as a strength to draw on.
It would be and is, very frustrating that I can't just do that whenever.
I see distinct value in finding those strengths and weakness's, and work on the weakness's to keep them low and the strength of my gender high.
Not much different than knowing right from wrong and trying to be a good person.
I just happen to have an awareness of how my gender plays into the bigger picture of life.
I think a lot of us just do this without thinking about it very much.
I think a sudden awareness that you do indeed have more than just a binary gender could cause some confusion and such, but it isn't that difficult to think about if you put it in terms like I have, it's your gender.
Another unique facet about yourself, and one that works with all the other facets in interesting ways.
It is intriguing, but it isn't frustrating, it's a gift that you are aware that you have.
Have fun with it and use it as much as you wish, you own it.
Ativan

i want to be a rock star with an amazing male voice.
every time i think of singing, i think of singing in a male voice.

everything else is more arbitrary, and gender is completely unimportant.
apart from wanting to be able to toss off my shirt on hot days.

i was for a while a few too many. but i managed to become just me, and that's actually rather comfortable.
gender is as confusing as it will probably always be. but it's not part of one me or another. it's all the same me.
even when i feel two slightly different ways about something, i no more feel like assigning the feelings to a he and a she.
i am simply all that, and at the same time.

Quote from: Taka on September 06, 2014, 02:20:41 PM
i want to be a rock star with an amazing male voice.
every time i think of singing, i think of singing in a male voice.

everything else is more arbitrary, and gender is completely unimportant.
apart from wanting to be able to toss off my shirt on hot days.

i was for a while a few too many. but i managed to become just me, and that's actually rather comfortable.
gender is as confusing as it will probably always be. but it's not part of one me or another. it's all the same me.
even when i feel two slightly different ways about something, i no more feel like assigning the feelings to a he and a she.
i am simply all that, and at the same time.

I think I feel that way too i.e gender is unimportant. I am still getting there, or maybe not, I can't hold a thought for too long, sometimes I think I'm making progress, other times I think I'm no better at understanding myself than I was in the very beginning. When will I learn to be me or rather learn that I'm just me? I don't know for sure. Only thing I know for sure is that I feel so much more at ease with myself knowing that others feel the same way I do, or something like I do, because I don't know if two different people can ever be the same.

this is a place where you can be anything.
though it does seem we share a whole lot of interesting experiences.
and can sometimes take the discussions of gender way outside the boundaries of male and female.
we even brought it into a 4th dimension once. a simple scale wasn't enough...

it can be hard to just be. not because existing is so difficult, but more because of this odd need to be "something".
so what is this "something" which i am? is it something a person can even be?
yes, i figured at last. i am, and that is a wonderful thing.
and even if what i am doesn't have a commonly accepted label, i still am. i myself am the proof of that.

but do keep thinking. the world will never change if people stop thinking and redefining all that is known, and discovering things we didn't know about.
just don't fret too much, and rest assured that you are, even if you can't describe exactly what.
and then try to describe it for yourself, or to us.
that can help you find out what changes you may or may not want, to your body, or to the way you live your life.
how you relate to people, and how you present to them.


and i should stop reading ativan's posts. it affects my typing. forgot how to make full paragraphs...
maybe because my thoughts aren't full parts of any story.

Quote from: Cin on September 06, 2014, 12:10:19 PM
Thank you. and I do feel a sense of 'freedom' being non-binary, and I've learnt to be comfortable about opening up about my non-binary nature, I was kind of scared of being told I'm not trans in the beginning. :)

This is a common thing with me.

Seeking hormones in my case without being identified as trans according to the old Benjamin Standards.

Evidently a lot of progress has been made in that area that moves responsibility closer to ourselves.

I think Non binaries have more to handle as the binary perception causes all kinds of issues for us.

I was treated as non binary transsexual from the beginning, but the therapist kept on hammering on issues of sexual preference and other things to see if I could be stuffed into a box.

The box eventually ripped apart as no box will hold me back.

But this freedom of expression of your core self in gender is a wonderful journey.  It may start as it did with me from the inside out, slowly adding layers until now I am arriving at presentations, after a year and a half of hormones and therapy.

My presentation is designed just for social comfort.  I am learning how far I can push it to be more me.  Since I am small breasted, I can do anything with it, as long as I keep it comfortable with the restraints of what my wife has to have for her mental stability with me.  Which I can sacrificially do.

Rock star?  Why not?  Me too, I have the voice, but the fear of being outed has often interfered with performance in that genre.

I am hopeful that will not continue.

Do I sound like Ativan?

Their writing style is catchy.

I am having fun with it.

It also, is brilliant.  We are so gifted to have them with us.

Nails out, hair down, full transition its early in the morning and I am my female self.  In an hour, I will be driving a high horsepower Camaro to work in a construction supply office, and Satinjoy will disappear behind a beast of a vintage car, maybe smoking tires, maybe not.  Such is the freedom of non binary trans.  And I am so greatful the forest let me in, I had felt totally lost on Susans as a fully hormonally transitioned mtf that did not fit the mtf typical scenario.  When they opened it from Androgyn to Non Binary, they set me free in the forum to be me and have safe haven, and meet special loved ones who either are like me, or who embrace the differences.

Welcome and blessings.

You could be like me, I transitioned so I could be female bodied, which I always knew was how my body should be and I'm now beginning to understand my gender and how I'm not strictly speaking female or a woman, but I think I'm kind of on the feminine spectrum.

Life as they say is a sequence of temporary measures but we usually figure it out in the end, and there's nothing wrong (as I'm learning at the moment) to changing your perception of yourself. Nothing is set in stone.

Quote from: Dread_Faery on September 08, 2014, 10:12:07 AM
You could be like me, I transitioned so I could be female bodied, which I always knew was how my body should be and I'm now beginning to understand my gender and how I'm not strictly speaking female or a woman, but I think I'm kind of on the feminine spectrum.

Life as they say is a sequence of temporary measures but we usually figure it out in the end, and there's nothing wrong (as I'm learning at the moment) to changing your perception of yourself. Nothing is set in stone.

Thank you, that might just be the answer for me, I know that nothing is set in stone, and it kinda worries me to be honest, as it makes it harder to make the right decisions as you might just regret it someday.

My avatar is only one of my presentations.  There are a few.... this is female side.  Just a component of the overall soul.  The one part of me that matters to me the most, the one that I protect the hardest, the one that had been torn apart for decades and now is alive and free, especially here in the forest.

Blessings.

SJ/Satinjoy

Quote from: Satinjoy on September 08, 2014, 06:12:36 AM
This is a common thing with me.

Seeking hormones in my case without being identified as trans according to the old Benjamin Standards.

Evidently a lot of progress has been made in that area that moves responsibility closer to ourselves.

I think Non binaries have more to handle as the binary perception causes all kinds of issues for us.

I was treated as non binary transsexual from the beginning, but the therapist kept on hammering on issues of sexual preference and other things to see if I could be stuffed into a box.

The box eventually ripped apart as no box will hold me back.

But this freedom of expression of your core self in gender is a wonderful journey.  It may start as it did with me from the inside out, slowly adding layers until now I am arriving at presentations, after a year and a half of hormones and therapy.

My presentation is designed just for social comfort.  I am learning how far I can push it to be more me.  Since I am small breasted, I can do anything with it, as long as I keep it comfortable with the restraints of what my wife has to have for her mental stability with me.  Which I can sacrificially do.

Rock star?  Why not?  Me too, I have the voice, but the fear of being outed has often interfered with performance in that genre.

I am hopeful that will not continue.

Do I sound like Ativan?

Their writing style is catchy.

I am having fun with it.

It also, is brilliant.  We are so gifted to have them with us.

Nails out, hair down, full transition its early in the morning and I am my female self.  In an hour, I will be driving a high horsepower Camaro to work in a construction supply office, and Satinjoy will disappear behind a beast of a vintage car, maybe smoking tires, maybe not.  Such is the freedom of non binary trans.  And I am so greatful the forest let me in, I had felt totally lost on Susans as a fully hormonally transitioned mtf that did not fit the mtf typical scenario.  When they opened it from Androgyn to Non Binary, they set me free in the forum to be me and have safe haven, and meet special loved ones who either are like me, or who embrace the differences.

Welcome and blessings.

I had no idea what a non binary was until I found this site, and knowing that there are non binary people is encouraging, and comforting in equal measures.

I think I identify as non-binary because I feel that way most of the time, I do feel trans too, but not most of the time.

I don't really know how it feels to be able to express myself, because I've been hiding and have to hide a bit more, It must be liberating, I'm kind of an introverted (almost anti-social) person, so I guess what I'm really looking for is to be able to express myself in front of my mirror and be happy with what I see. Strangely, I don't see myself living any differently from now, but I guess my mind will be at ease then.

Quote from: Taka on September 06, 2014, 04:25:14 PM
this is a place where you can be anything.
though it does seem we share a whole lot of interesting experiences.
and can sometimes take the discussions of gender way outside the boundaries of male and female.
we even brought it into a 4th dimension once. a simple scale wasn't enough...

it can be hard to just be. not because existing is so difficult, but more because of this odd need to be "something".
so what is this "something" which i am? is it something a person can even be?
yes, i figured at last. i am, and that is a wonderful thing.
and even if what i am doesn't have a commonly accepted label, i still am. i myself am the proof of that.

but do keep thinking. the world will never change if people stop thinking and redefining all that is known, and discovering things we didn't know about.
just don't fret too much, and rest assured that you are, even if you can't describe exactly what.
and then try to describe it for yourself, or to us.
that can help you find out what changes you may or may not want, to your body, or to the way you live your life.
how you relate to people, and how you present to them.


and i should stop reading ativan's posts. it affects my typing. forgot how to make full paragraphs...
maybe because my thoughts aren't full parts of any story.

I think I'm at ease with myself with being non-binary, it's just that when people ask me to describe my dysphoria, they don't always get it, I don't think i have 'classic' dysphoria, and being honest about how I feel makes people doubt me, and I don't feel like I belong anywhere, not cis, not trans, or something like that.

"How'd ya behave or dress up if you could be the way you want to be?" is a question I am asked, and all I can say is "Not much different from how I am now", and it plants a seed doubt in other peoples' minds almost immediately. I guess they wonder why I want 'changes' in the first place.

Cin there are strong parallels with what you wrote and what I live, in some ways.  Probably true of many of us here.

There are differences of course, as in I am always trans under the costume, big time, but socially ....

I loved Taka's responses... impressive, that one, the eagle.

Both my male personality and Kimberley are reflections of the real me, and I recently realised that I don't have to go to the trouble of putting on makeup and dressing up when Kimberley wants to show herself.  I can be her just sitting in plain cheap clothes watching episodes of Red Dwarf as I do when I feel more like my male side.

I'm in a comfortable place as far as my gender goes.  I don't need to take hormones or have surgery and at the moment, I don't have to worry about further physical masculinisation.  I'm not ruling our low-dose HRT but I presently don't need it.

When I think of my family, I can slot myself in male mode, same at work.   Outside of that, female.

But as I often say, I'm mtf wandering in the forest, it's kinda comfy and safe.  Leaving it would mean running away from a rather large pack of wolves...

Quote from: Kimberley Beauregard on September 09, 2014, 06:10:22 AM
Both my male personality and Kimberley are reflections of the real me, and I recently realised that I don't have to go to the trouble of putting on makeup and dressing up when Kimberley wants to show herself.  I can be her just sitting in plain cheap clothes watching episodes of Red Dwarf as I do when I feel more like my male side.

I'm in a comfortable place as far as my gender goes.  I don't need to take hormones or have surgery and at the moment, I don't have to worry about further physical masculinisation.  I'm not ruling our low-dose HRT but I presently don't need it.

That's awesome :)

Maybe I should develop two personalities as well, maybe it would make me feel better to develop them both and see how far I go with my feminine side and switch back to male when I need to.

Quote from: luna nyan on September 09, 2014, 07:37:22 AM
When I think of my family, I can slot myself in male mode, same at work.   Outside of that, female.

But as I often say, I'm mtf wandering in the forest, it's kinda comfy and safe.  Leaving it would mean running away from a rather large pack of wolves...

I have to admit, I thought switching only happened in cartoons, it is pleasing to hear all this, gives me more options, maybe I can please both me and the people around me.

if you want switching, i do that.
i'm male on all online forums, female out there in society.
but that's just my presentation, one that i try my best to keep up, but also fail at from time to time.
the man will be doubted, just the same as the woman.
though the woman is probably mostly doubted with regards to her sexuality, that's what people most easily start thinking of in more conservative societies.
the man is very openly bisexual with a preference for women. though often misunderstood anyway.

this is part of what keeps my balance. if i didn't have my male persona, i would really have no place for the man inside to exist properly, just the way that he is, completely uncensored.
another part is this place here, where i don't have to hide the other side, and can be all at the same time, or the inbetween, without being doubted all the time.

i switch, but have gotten better at allowing this to show, slightly, at all times. being a little queer isn't too bad.
and at home, i'm just whichever me that i am, without trying to hide.
not out to anyone, but that doesn't really matter. they'd have to be blind to not see that there's something extra about me.
it's their choice to close their eyes, and refuse to see that i am me for a reason.

I don't think so much in terms of male and female as I think that the whole gender thing is far more than a choice between 2 binary opposites or alternatives.  Frankly most things are inappropriately ascribed gender and I can no longer relate to this.  I feel that I should and can be able to choose the behavior and feeling which best suits me and the situation.  Reflective, sensitive, nurturing, protective, assertive, reserved, emotional, phlegmatic are all ok and each are accessible and appropriately employed provided that I am fully present.

Hope this makes some sense.

Safe travels

Aisla