Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I didn't do anything but try to be myself, told her how I felt, my Dad whose paying for the wedding is overly religious and thus said I can't come unless I play the "male role" and I'm not doing that. My sis played mind/manipulation games to make us think she was siding with each of us, sat on the fence and supposedly (And this one I do believe) told our Dad how she felt and said I could come as myself a woman, dad said to me multiple times not unless male mode. Because of this, I couldn't go wearing wedding clothes however, I think she said that was fine, wear whatever was comfy, still hurt by that but, now, she says I'm not invited and if I show up, I'll be asked to leave... she further said the reason is because I started "drama" over this, BULL->-bleeped-<-! I barely did anything or said anything and the little I did was just say how I felt and told her not to sit on the wall/fence because time was running out and THAT'S drama!? BS! Prior to saying that she said she told me multiple times she supports me on being her sister (which later changed to me being trans), yet her actions prior to this (over all) and especially during this conversation say otherwise!

That's only a part of how cold she's been to me and she said to not put her in the middle of me and daddy yet, this is HER wedding, SHE'S the person in the spot light and unless SHE told him how she felt, there was no way she wasn't going to be put into the spot light, so she told him how she felt and asked not to be put into the spot light after word. Later that same day, my step mom stupidly and foolishly sent an email to everyone starting crap which in turn backed me into a corner, I had to reply and didn't say anything too bad, mainly said, it's no one's wedding but my sis's, let HER have the final say and that was it, my dad apologized for the email and said he didn't approve of me cross dressing (Religion, BAH!) and I could come in male role only, that was all that was said on it and that was weeks ago, fast forward to today and only now, the day before her wedding does she tell me this ->-bleeped-<-!

Sister? Oh, sorry I don't really HAVE a sister anymore, haven't for a real long time now.
Family? Oh, sorry, don't have any actual family, none of them give a crap without putting conditions on the relationship and trips etc. and even then, those aren't happening anymore either, family? Nope, lost them years ago when my mama died as she was the only real family I had besides cats, dogs, fish, mice and a turtle.

Right now I'm hurt but, in a state of don't care much anymore, still hurt though and all this while having to deal with MULTIPLE health problems, even typing this has been somewhat difficult.

I'm so sorry you're going through that. That's such a tough and distressing situation to be in. ((((HUGS)))) Stay true to yourself, and things will work out in the end.

I'm so sorry hun..
I don't have a family either anymore..
big hug..

just to say, i would never let mine or my partner's parents pay for my wedding.
they could give me money as a gift, but never pay for it.

your sister could have had a different wedding. a less expensive one, that she and her husband could afford without relying on parents and having to follow their rules. (what kind of husband does she have even, i can't help wondering.)
but she has actively chosen material values over her own sister.
that's what she's done.

you are an unwanted child to your father. annoying baggage to your sister.
that's what their actions tell.

if you still love your sister and wish to congratulate her properly, you could send a letter.
it would be good to also include in the letter how disappointed you are that you were not invited, and how the way you chose to present yourself in public has nothing to do with drama, but is an actual matter of life and death to you. not letting you attend in female dressing is nothing less than telling you that your life has so little value to them that you could just as well be dead.

cutting ties with family is in no way a sin, if they are trying to kill you. no matter in what form that killing happens. if they can't stand to see you as you are, don't even talk to them. if they don't stand up for you, have nothing to do with them. family are those who take care of you, just the same as you would take care of them. if they don't do that, they aren't family.

sorry if my words are harsh, i'm just long since fed up with people claiming that they care, just to do and say only things that hurt me. my mother and father in particular. i wouldn't even talk to any of them ever again if it weren't for my daughter, and i would never stay in my mother's house, if not for my step father. he's the only semi decent parent i have.

Sorry Shana. But that is her loss. Not your fault in the least. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being yourself and if she can't see that then she just lost a sister. You have plenty of other sisters and brothers too that accept you unconditionally as their sister. If I was getting married I would make you the Maid of Honor. But I don't believe in marriage too much anymore. ??? Or at least in the foreseeable future. If so and I make you Maid of Honor, you do know you have to wear the dress that I choose. I am definitely thinking bridesmaids in black leather minis and me in a white leather mini. >:-) But seriously though, it is her loss, not yours. Do you really want to be associated with someone so closed minded? You can disown them just as they can disown you. Maybe your sister is jealous 'cause you are in fact prettier than her? I had a cousin that hated me because my boyfriends were a lot better looking than hers. Hell I was prettier than she was and she mated me for it. Just sayin'. :o 

I feel so bad for you right now. This isn't fair to you at all, even though it is your sister's wedding. The drama isn't being caused at all by you but by those around you. All you want to do is be who you are meant to be. What's wrong with that. As for your father's interpretation of religion, I think he's got it all wrong. I think God is about unconditional love for each of us, not about cutting people off and pushing them aside; not about forcing your own opinion onto others.

I will say this dilemma struck me very close to home as a pastor myself. My own daughter's wedding is next summer and I'm to officiate. I love that - how much more intimately involved in the wedding could I be? At the same time, I have JUST within weeks seen through all the defensive walls I'd built up to find that I am a woman and not the male whose body I presently inhabit. I haven't even talked with my wife about this yet, let alone my daughter or any others. I've GOT to talk with my wife. I feel I owe it to her not to hide this plus I need to be able to start some sort of timeline. As part of that timeline, however, I have decided that my position will be that I will do the wedding as a male. Who knows about me at that point, whether I'll have started any transition at that point, whether my wife and family will even have anything to do with me is all up in the air. I have HOPE, but how my friends and family react is within them and I can only affect them by my own love and consideration for them - to the extent it is healthy for ME.

I say all this because you DO have to do what is healthy for you. Your father seems to be the tipping point with your step-mother having jumped into the fray as well. My guess is that your sister is confused, torn, but mostly intimidated by your father. Also I want to point out that my decision about my daughter's wedding is MINE, not one dictated by someone else. There's a huge difference there.

If you are able to step aside from your family at this point, doing so might be best for you. Doing so before the damage can become worse - if that is possible - might allow you to feel better about yourself and be able to forgive them on some level (and in my book, forgiveness is more for you to release your anger than it is for them to feel justified). They ARE wrong; of that I'm sure. But I do hope you can forgive them for their errors and move on, focused on YOUR life.

Lots and lots of hugs to you.

I do not have contact with my family. Not because I'm transgender but because I finally had enough of being verbally abused and not valued for who I am. Once I started standing up for myself and trying to create some space, things got much worse so I cut ties. It was a hard decision but it has made a huge positive difference in my life. It still hurts at times but I have a wonderful family of choice who loves and values me. I don't have that feeling of dread. Oh and my health issues improved.

I am not the hugging type of person but I will sit with you if you want. I know it's painful and unfair.

Take care of yourself right now.  If it helps, find a safe way of blowing off steam.

If I ever get a paper divorce from someone who I don't even know where is, I'll invite you to my unwedding party.

So much for humor. It does hurt when family makes a bigger deal out of your life than you do. It sounds like your sis just wants her day to be traditional and drama free. It also sounds like your dad is forcing her into a corner.

I say let her have her day. Weddings can be pretty stressful for brides without parents making demands, I'm sure it is worse when they do make them.

Shana, hugs.

I am sorry you have to deal with this. I am sending positive thoughts your way.

I guess with the wedding stress and financial strings true feelings were said and they were not supportive and it hurts.

You now can concentrate on those who do support you and finding those who will welcome you as you.

Your family may come around in the future but unfortunately for them you may have moved on and no longer need or want them.

Nasty stuff. The number one unspoken rule of weddings is "you never get in the way of a bride being #1 and having the best wedding ever" and woe betide anyone who does. Sadly there is nothing like a wedding to tear a family apart. Pretty much happened to mine when my brother got married.

Shana, you stood your ground and that's great. I don't your sister can say not to get her involved when in fact she was in the middle of it. I'm sorry that you cannot be a part of this special occasion. To me, it's their loss.

:(

In the end, it's her decision. And hers to regret if she makes the wrong one.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like your sister actually wants you there, but isn't willing or able to stand up for you. That sucks. *hug*

I would turn up, say hi and wish everyone well, then leave.

As for your dad, stuff him & everyone else against you

that's a very good idea, nicole, and totally what i would do if my sister wanted me there but my mother refused.
but that still requires that you have the means to get there on your own. not everyone has that.

I'm sorry, Shana-Chan.

I've been reading the various posts, and I really think your sister is hiding behind your father - blaming it all on him to avoid saying she agrees with him and having to confront you.

I think you're great.

It takes courage not to knuckle under to the kind of pressure they're putting on you. Stick to your guns, girl!

So today, she had her wedding, all yesterday and throughout the day till her wedding was due I was HOPING for some kind of miracle but no matter whether I prayed, wished and hoped, no matter how often or how hard, I knew it would not come to pass and I'd just be wasting my time. Sure enough, even though I only hoped, it never came to pass, and I gave up when I said, whelp! Even if she called (or some means of contact) now, it's too late as her wedding is happening in 30 mins, it takes about 30 mins to get to her and, I'm not ready at all and so on.

After that, I just felt mad and bitter toward her, and still do even though it's been at least 5 hrs, I don't know if I'll speak to her anymore but, she sure as hell isn't getting a wedding gift from me anytime soon and even then, it'd only be a trip out with me in FEMALE mode to eat out where I'd be willing to pay for the food & drinks, but not the cost of her getting to me/the area or anything else and even then, THAT'S all dependent on HER, not me. :P I'm also mad at my dad too to say the least.

One of the few good things that came out of this at least is, I didn't have to spend $40-60 for a taxi & another $200+ for a dress to the wedding and why should I for someone whose clearly not the sister I know & love?

Quote from: Jess42 on September 06, 2014, 01:27:24 PM
Maybe your sister is jealous 'cause you are in fact prettier than her?

doubtful, though I can pass, she is more feminine looking than me & as a result, more prettier than me.

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on September 06, 2014, 08:38:09 PM
I guess with the wedding stress and financial strings true feelings were said and they were not supportive and it hurts.

You now can concentrate on those who do support you and finding those who will welcome you as you.

Your family may come around in the future but unfortunately for them you may have moved on and no longer need or want them.

the writing had been on the wall for a while now, just didn't want to believe it till now as, I wanted to believe in my sister but, that faith was misplaced sadly.

I don't have anyone besides this site who support me when it comes to me being trans and any support irl comes mostly from those who say my way or the high way and their way means mostly conforming to THIER ways/beliefs which I refuse to do forever. If I end up homeless/dead, I won't be happy sure but, I'm tired of this ->-bleeped-<- & refuse to deal with it forever.

Quote from: Ms Grace on September 06, 2014, 08:44:17 PM
Nasty stuff. The number one unspoken rule of weddings is "you never get in the way of a bride being #1 and having the best wedding ever" and woe betide anyone who does. Sadly there is nothing like a wedding to tear a family apart. Pretty much happened to mine when my brother got married.

at this point, IF I ever get married, My dad won't be invited for sure, my sister MAY not get an invite or I may invite her, then do the same to her the day before my wedding, just for payback so she'll know how it felt! (Yea, I'm salty right now, but right now, this is how I feel) and either way, NO ONE will get in the way of MY wedding should I ever find the right girl someday! (Being alone sucks!)

Quote from: pianoforte on September 06, 2014, 09:04:34 PM
In the end, it's her decision. And hers to regret if she makes the wrong one.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like your sister actually wants you there, but isn't willing or able to stand up for you. That sucks. *hug*

yes but it also affected me too and she'll be lucky if we continue having a relationship after wat she said and did to me!

She, well, she's not one to speak her mind & let her beliefs known IF it will cause confrontation except with me, so, I can't say for sure where she stands on her beliefs regarding me & trans issues besides her CLEARLY not understanding and saying I ask for too much when I really don't. I also know where she stood and who she blamed for her uninviting me so that, does NOT sit well with me and I also know the support she "claims" to give me was taken back months ago when she stopped calling me her sister and started using gender neutral responses instead.

Quote from: suzifrommd on September 07, 2014, 06:23:44 AM
I've been reading the various posts, and I really think your sister is hiding behind your father - blaming it all on him to avoid saying she agrees with him and having to confront you.

It takes courage not to knuckle under to the kind of pressure they're putting on you. Stick to your guns, girl!

no, she blamed it all on me in the end there but prior yeah, him. I see through her lies & deceit and I'm not putting up with that crap anymore, had to grow up with it, not taking it from her now too! I don't know how she truly feels about me but, I DO KNOW her blaming me and uninviting me and just prior to that saying she supports my trans ways was the last straw! You don't say you support someone then show little support and play sides like that and then blame the person you said could come and then say you can't come WHILE blaming said person for not being able to come.

:icon_2gun: Trying to, isn't easy.

Sorry for the double post, I try not to do that however, this I REALLY need to get off my chest and want others to see where as an edit may not get seen.

Today while watching Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon: Crystal episode 5, minor spoiler alert for the episode! I was reminded of her wedding which I'd gotten off my mind till the 1st half reminded me by talking about and showing wedding stuff, then reminded of her again thanks to Lita's (Motoko) rose ear rings which the show closed in on a few times, which I'd bought her for an x-mas gift years back. Thanks to this mess, I wasn't able to enjoy the 1st half as much, thankfully focused on my food & the show and forgot long enough to enjoy the rest.

oh well... now that you have lost your family, at least you're free to do whatever you want. nobody left to tell you that you're wrong, or try to control your actions in any way.

Quote from: Taka on September 08, 2014, 01:14:17 AM
oh well... now that you have lost your family, at least you're free to do whatever you want. nobody left to tell you that you're wrong, or try to control your actions in any way.

No, I'm going to have to put up with my dad for a while longer, but I don't have to with my sis.

ouch. takes time to become independent? can't be easy.
but at least you know where you stand with him. and he's still rather lost when it comes to being a dad, you can treat him like not so much family if that makes him easier to deal with.

Im sorry they are treating you like this and have to say they are very wrong to act this way toward you. Im lucky to have a family that would if I told them Im a girl, they would accept me including my dad who passed away a year ago. Like I said here a week ago, my parents were very conservative but would never of pushed me away due to being transgender. I was taught to treat people right and accept them for being who they are. My parents also yet believed in god, jesus, heaven and hell did NOT like organized religion for excatly what it's causing for you. I dont like organized religion either and even though I believe in religious rights, It has the tendency to hurt people like your dad is hurting you. You hang in there and know there are people who accept you for who you are. Even god I know accepts you for you. If your dad cared what god thought, your dad would accept you as well. :)